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- Anonymous User 1 has opened the document.
- Anonymous User 1: Speak
- what do I have before me?
- me: The beginning of a story
- Anonymous User 1: That is meaningless
- what do I have here?
- me: I meant to attempt a journal format. This is a story about Ponyville. The Mayor was the one who fabricated everything seen in the show, but behind the scenes, Ponyville is a terrible place to live, and it's inhabitants are enslaved by its evil tyrant, Mayor mare.
- Anonymous User 1: My friend
- Much better
- why did you seek me?
- me: The biggest reason, I need help beginning this story. It's missing something, and I can't figure out what it is. But why I chose you above the others, is because I have heard you are quite skilled. Also, curiosity. I have not met you.
- This would be a humble request
- Anonymous User 1: Hahahaha
- you have met me
- but no matter
- why use a journal?
- me: It was something I have never done before. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, and this method seemed most appropriate for the story, because if Ponyville is only secretly a tyrrany, few ponies would be able to get the word out. It seemed appropriate that spike might have kept a journal.
- Anonymous User 1: While true
- I am wondering if, then, the story is best told through a journal
- what is your answer to that little issue?
- me: Is that not what I have here?
- I'm afraid I don't understand
- Anonymous User 1: If I were to write this like a normal story
- what would it lose?
- me: It would lose the look of a captive desperately trying to reach help, I think.
- Anonymous User 1: Good
- now you know what is missing
- me: Are you saying it does not currently have even that?
- Anonymous User 1: see
- Not at all
- the beginning?
- You truly believed that would get the tension required for this?
- Journals are personal endeavors
- they are mostly about impressions rather than actions
- the simple reason being that we write journals to remember
- and we remember those better than we remember list of events
- currently
- there is no tension here
- If I don't read the first segment
- I have nothing to proof or make me consider anything other than you attempting to hammer out some odd view of the normal show
- there is no hook
- there is no tension
- and
- most importantly
- there is not enough good hints, or more accurately, the hints are easy missed in the rest
- I see a ballon
- it needs some air
- and perhaps a new nozzle to allow air to get in
- me: So, start over? OR are you suggesting a different perspective?
- Anonymous user 1: I'm suggesting you tell me if you seriously think starting after they have settled and not mentioning me his feelings in any real way is a good hook
- you hint at a period of struggle
- and then nothing
- nothing
- me: So, it's incomplete
- Anonymous User 1: and most likely needs a new beginning
- and refocus, if it comes to that
- I could go right now and make a bullet list of events with this and most likely not have sub-bullets to make
- that's
- not good for a story
- and epistolary stories like this are very fragile in terms of immersion, so the previously mentioned only brings further troubles
- so now
- tell me
- what is the hook?
- me: That Ponyville's inhabitants are trapped, and there is some dark secret surrounding it.
- Anonymous User 1: no
- that's your premise
- I need a hook
- me: ... I see
- Anonymous User 1: something which gets me interested on what is going on
- as I said
- there is currently no hook
- nothing for I, as a reader, to invest my interest or concern in
- me: Would you have willing advice as to a good hook to try?
- Anonymous User 1: giving a hook willy-nilly is a task I will warn is no exact science
- I will point to notions
- but I rather not provide specifics
- mostly because you know the story better than I
- so
- in any case
- let get on with it, because time is valuable, and we have been here half and hour already
- tell me the premise again
- me: Ponyville is not what it seems based on the canon of the show. It's citicinz are imprisoned and enslaved by the evil Mayor Mare, a tyrant who forces them to act out a show that she can produce for money.
- citizens*
- Anonymous User 1: out of the top of your head, list five things which will make people want to stop once the read that as a premise
- no deep thought
- just say them
- me: it
- I don't think I know of anything
- perhaps that the mayor is seretly evil
- Anonymous User 1: continue
- a story depends quite a lot in the subtleties
- and epistolary stories live or die upon them
- so
- me: The citizens of ponyville are not who we think they are
- Anonymous User 1: discern the subtleties
- tell me why a reader would see your story and say "nope, I won't read it"
- me: nothing jumps out at me, but I fear I may be biased.
- Anonymous User 1: correct
- I will suggest you start thinking of such things
- let me try
- 1.) the story grabs a character we have seen throughout and greatly changes their personality to fit into the plot
- 2.) Why would anyone do all of this willingly? What is there to gain?
- 3.) How is she controlling everything? What does that mean?
- 4.) What events occur outside of the camera?
- 5.) If we assume, what dark undertones exists throughout that will appear forced?
- five issues
- all related
- but all different
- me: And I only have an answer for one of them yet, the fourth, which will make up the events of the story. I see what you are getting at.
- Anonymous User 1: heh
- more importnatly
- your hook must recognize all of them
- me: I see
- Anonymous User 1: The best introduction in the western Canon, as far as I'm concerned, remains the ever encompassing beginning of One Hundred Years of Solitude:
- Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
- do you see what it did there?
- all the things that it implied
- me: I have not seen that film, but I can see that perhaps the town was short of water.
- Anonymous User 1: hahahahaha
- there is no film
- One Hundred Years of Solitutde is amongst the best books ever written
- me: I have never heard of it before now.
- Anonymous User 1: Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
- We get told the future
- we get told the past
- we get told how distant the characters start away from the world
- and we get the one character we should probably watch
- me: I did not follow that third point
- Anonymous User 1: They knew not of ice
- in any shape or form
- me: Okay
- Anonymous User 1: think of what that implies
- but
- back to business
- note the issues above
- how do you account for them?
- and, more importantly, how do you recognize them within the story?
- me: I haven't got an answer yet, but a question is a better starting point than I had.
- Anonymous User 1: heh
- indeed
- when making your hook
- keep in mind those
- you don't have to answer them
- you have to recognize them
- they are there
- to face the suspension of disbelief, you have to grab hold of whatever might cause it
- and control it like there is no tomorrow
- currently
- me: I will surely seek to do that, then.
- Anonymous User 1: what I see here is a premise
- some pre-work on story development
- and a pretty uncompelling first segment to raise the stake
- my suggestion?
- remove that first segment
- or
- if anything
- put it at the end
- but right now
- they aren't doing much there
- now
- I will give three suggestions, with the little that we have
- again
- take them with care
- the first one is to start the journal with Spike's scribblings as he attempts to start writing again
- the notion of progression must be there since the start
- and Spike's allege memory lost can serve as a good way to set up the stage
- certainly, placing the hook within the scribbles of mismatched and miswritten words would be a clever thing to do
- but for now, let us just keep it simple: the start of the story should show Spike's slow recovery of his ability to write
- hmm
- do I bore you, Mr.Rain?
- me: no
- I listen, patiently
- Anonymous User 1: Good
- but that makes for terrible discussion amongst friends
- so feel free to speak
- I find far more helpful
- after all
- I am many things
- but a mind reader only on parties
- me: I had not thought to show spike's slow progression.
- Anonymous User 1: I can imagine
- otherwise you would have done it
- seeing how you are trying to bring more oomph to the affair
- me: Of course. I have little to say, as I have already learned much, and seen that I could stand to give more thought to my written words.
- Anonymous User 1: good
- next suggestion
- me: I too, enjoy trading feedback and remarks, but I am currently at a loss for words
- Anonymous User 1: heh
- never lose them
- it might be true that all men are wise until they open their mouths
- but all men are cowards until they do the same
- back to the story
- the progression of recovery of Spike's writing has a purpose
- establishing the issue of the memory loss and hinting at its mechanism
- now
- please do tell me there is more to it other than an arbitrary "they are blanks for my use" plot device
- heh
- very well then
- me: I'm not sure I understand your inquiry. To spoil the ending, The mayor had (for reasons I've yet to fully grasp myself, I was thinking greed) found a spell that would remove everypony's memories, giving her the opportunity to use them for her devices. Her choice, a staged reality show, that she could broadcast to a distant world. I am juggling the idea that she is not originally pony. Thus, Spike becomes the one to see it all, following Twilight's example.
- Though, Twilight, was the first to discover the truth, and was quickly expunged.
- Anonymous User 1: heh
- people coming for my help fearing spoilers
- in any case
- then I will not give you the second suggestion
- for the memory spell is just a plot point rather than a mechanism of the story
- also
- the question is to be begged
- why not just erase her memory again?
- me: It was a memory bomb. The mayor would have left herself some sort of message, or perhaps found an immunity. The spell would not be worth using again for the sake of removing the memory of one pony. It was too valuable a set up to erase so hastily.
- Anonymous User 1: hmm
- contrived
- me: Admittedly, I just came up with that now.
- Anonymous User 1: I suggest you revise the notion to ensure it doesn't seem like you pull the memory spell out of your jacket
- hmm
- in that case
- I will keep my suggestions
- and you will do the next thing
- I want you to write out all the major characters and their characteristics
- me: character bibles
- Anonymous User 1: then write all the plot points and tools
- then write a series of interconnections between all of them
- separate documents
- work on only one at a time
- me: okay
- Anonymous User 1: for this story to work
- you will need to have your characters, their reasonings, and the plot holes all very much in mind and fixed
- Sounds like an interesting premise
- a town of characters who act out their lives for the sake of another entity, with no recognition as to why
- needs work
- and currently you have too little to work with
- me: thus, I sought your council
- But I thank you
- For both your time and insight. You are indeed wise, if not simply thoughtful and clever.
- Anonymous User 1: hahaha
- I am not a man to take praise
- I thank you for them
- but there is no need
- I am quite certain others will have helped you as well
- additionally
- no truth comes from sweet tongues
- one last matter does come to mind
- who guided you this way?
- me: It was mostly your reputation that proceeded you, spurred on by the frequent and inderect referments of one Ion-Sturm, but ultimately it was the advice of one who calls himself Khakispony that bade me seek your assistence.
- Anonymous User 1: a reputation that precedes me
- heh
- experience has told me no good comes from that
- I will ask for forgiveness, as I must depart
- Please do built these three documents
- me: Your time has been invaluable. There is nothing to apologize for. I will do as you have instructed.
- Anonymous User 1: their separation of functions should make easier to notice holes and problems
- as the interaction between them is where most plot faults will be found
- also
- send my regards to Khakis
- me: I will do that.
- Anonymous User 1 has left.
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