Thread 4: Stories 90-105

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>Applejack 42
"Chrysalis"


*Applejack 42 sits at her corner desk doing paperwork*

>29, 29, 29, 29...

*Applejack 42 feeds a steady stream of paper into a shredder, lewd stories and pictures of stallion dongs surrounded by question marks can be spotted on the forms*

"Yo! Fighterjack, I have a form here for you. Don't read it, just sign"

>Sorry My Queen, you told me to read every form, even the ones you give me.

"Ignore that order and sign this!"

*Applejack 42 freezes in place, giving a thousand yard stare and whispering to herself*

>My Queen said to read the forms, so I should, but then she said not to read the forms, so I shouldn't, but she said I should read them so I have to but I can't ignore orders so I should read it but I can't ignore orders so I can't read--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*POP*

>BY SARLACC'S TEATS, THE PAIN! HOW DOES APPLEJACK DO THIS SO OFTEN

"Fiiiiine, read it you big baby. Sheesh"

>*pant pant pant* w-what's this? "Pit of a Thousand Corpses - Contestant Entry Form"?

"I'm low on money, we all are. Applejack's been tightening the budget and finding the loopholes you've used to get us funds. And did you know movies cost MONEY?! I can't believe it either, how dare they deny me the emotional depth and intrigue of cinema!"

>Really? I can lend you some bits if you need, I still have a bunch from the treasury, movies are pretty cheap

"NOPONY TOLD ME I HAD TO BRING THEM BACK, OKAY? I owe like 14,000 bits in late charges!"

>... Let me check *Applejack42 opens a drawer in her desk. A moth comes out and two bits are inside*

"What? You can't have movies without cake, and I'm not a princess, alright? I don't get free cake provided for me by the state just for existing!"

"Anyway. go sign the form. I got the idea from a movie: We enter you into the Pit of a Thousand Corpses 100 year anniversary Brawlstravaganza, bet everything on you and make out like bandits!"

>My Queen, that's in the Griffin Kingdoms, they don't take kindly to Changelings...

"It'll be fine, 42. It'll just be you and me, before you know it we'll be back with enough bits for a thousand movies!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Applejack"
'Fluttershy'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*SLAM!*

>HIDE ME!

"...nice ta' see ya'll again too, Chrissy."

>For the love of all things green and sticky, don't let him find me!

"Do ya'll actually love that? Ah' thought that was just somethin' ya did cause ya' hate bathin'-"

>APPLEJACK!

"Alright, fine. Who're ya' hidin' from? Shining Armor finally have enough of ya'll and decide ta' end ya'?"

>Worse!

"Spike show ya' his new revolver?"

>Worse!

"...56 finally notice ya'll's backside is about on par with Tia's?"

>WORSE!

"Don't lie."

>I... I think I might have stepped on an ant or something!

"....What...."

>A-and... she was watching. The yellow one. She gave me this... this look. The look that summons HIM. The glue weilder, the tye-dye maker, the confetti rainman, the bucking CLOWN MASTER, APPLEJACK!

"Discord?"

>YES! He hungers for my SANITY, APPLEJACK! You have to help me!

"Fine. Ah'll tell Fluttershy ta' call him off. Be more careful where ya' step, though."

>T-thank you... thank you.

*She leaves*

"Ya' worried this is gettin' out of hand, Flutters?"

'...nnnope.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"Sombra (Speaking)"
'Sombra (Written)'

"Grah!"

>Gah! Oh no, not you again!

"Grrargh."

>...why is there a notepad tied around your neck?

*scribble*

'It's an ad hoc attempt at communication. I am not here to devour your soul, insectoid...this time.'

>Oh...good?

*scribble*

'I require your assistance in returning me to my former glory! In return you will receive certain...boons.'

>Why did you write the elipses?

"GRAWR!"

>Eek! Ok ok ok, I won't ask...boons?

*scribble*

'Your goal in life is to bed a member of royalty, yes?'

>Yes.

*scribble*

'When I am restored of my body, I will retake my Empire and thusly restore my kingship. In return for your assistance I will bestow three pity fuckings upon you.'

>Make it ten.

*scribble*

'Four.'

>Eight.

*scribble*

'Five.'

>Deal! Shake on it?

"..."

>Right, sorry.

*scribble*

'You will find a list in the garbage can next to where you are thrown when they expel you from this place, take it to the library and check ouf the books listed. I will be waiting...'

>Alriiiight...wait, how do you know I'm going get thrown out? I totally have the right size this time!

Sombra grins.

"GRAAAAAAWR!"

There is a clattering, the guards are coming.

>Oh you SUCK!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Setting: The Griffon city of Highperch, nestled among snow-capped mountains

*A cold wind whips around lonely streets as two cloaked figures walk up to a large iron door. The larger one knocks seven times. An eye slot slides open*

'Fighters only, spectator entrance is around the front'

>We are fighters. Well, she is. I'm her coach.

'That puny thing? You'll get crushed in 4 seconds, kid. But it ain't my job to turn you away, it's your funeral. Names?'

>Queenie and Fighterjack!

'Yep, you're on here. Hold on a second' *The eye slot slides shut and the iron door swings open. A large minotaur stands before them blocking the view*

'Fights are decided by random draw, you could be here a while. Find a spot and get comfy. Listen for your number and do what they tell you, you're number 33'

*He steps aside letting them inside. The room is huge, filled with all varieties of creatures training, smiths working on weapons and armor, and cages filled with all manners of ferocious beasts from around the world. There is a large hallway in the center going to the Pit of a Thousand Corpses itself. It is a large pit set in the ground with a cage overtop. Rings of seats sit on the ground and on balconies allowing thousands to view the fight. The stands are half-full and filling rapidly*

>Let's get you some weapons and armor

"No need. I've always fought with my hooves, weapons will just get in the way, as for armor, I have my helmet" *Applejack 42 dons her helmet, shoddily cobbled together from 3 different helmets*

-ALRIGHT PEOPLE, LISTEN UP! FIRST FIGHT IS IN 5 MINUTES, NUMBERS 7 AND 33. 7 ON THE LEFT, 33 ON THE RIGHT. DON'T BE LATE-

*Applejack 42 and Chrysalis move over to the right side of the room. There is a door and a guard at the far end. The door goes to a tunnel into the pit. All the commotion in the room makes it almost impossible to see the challenger at the other end, a fighter won't know who they are against until the fight begins*

>So remember to lift with your back, ok? And locking out your joints is a good idea. And really jerk those muscles, alright?

-FIGHTERS, IN THE TUNNELS! COACHES, IN YOUR CORNERS!-

*Chrysalis is escorted to the main hall as Applejack 42 enters the dim, torch-lit tunnel into the Pit of a Thousand Corpses. At the end is a small gate*

-IN THE RED CORNER, FROM THE KINGDOM OF EQUESTRIA, THE PINT-SIZED POWERHOUSE, THE TINY-TITAN, THE BUG THAT'LL SMACK YOU BACK, FIGHTERJACK!-

*Applejack 42 steps out into the arena, a large dirt pit with another gate at the opposite end. Among the cheering of the crowd two voices stand above the random noise*

>Woo! You got this 42! Don't lose, that's an order!

[FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN! D-DOG'S GONNA TEAR OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK, AIN'T THAT RIGHT!? RUN AWAY WHILE YOU CAN!]

-AND IN THE BLUE CORNER, FROM WHO-KNOWS-WHERE AND WHO-KNOWS-WHEN, MASTER WHO USED TO BE PLASTER, THE CONFETTI RAINMAN HIMSELF, DISCOOOORD!-

[YEAAAH! FUCK THAT CHANGELING PIECE OF SHIT UP, D-DOG! MOMMA NEEDS HER WINNINGS!]

{Yes yes yes, of course dear Fluttershy. I'd never dream of letting you down, I know how competitive you can get. And who's this? Oh, is it really you, Chrissy? I never dreamed you'd slink so LOW} *Discord does a limbo for emphasis*

*Chrysalis tries to hide under her hood, hoping it will shield her from the object of her nightmares that now stands before her*

{Now now dear Queen, you have nothing to be afraid of, targeting coaches is strictly against the rules. Now, your prized pet on the other hand?}

*Applejack 42 is tired of the monologuing and charges Discord*

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

*Discord teleports away, leaving a slick of oil behind. AJ42 loses her balance and slides across the arena*

{As for HER? We can have as much fun as we like! Muahahahaha!}

*Applejack 42 gracefully returns to her hooves much faster than expected and leaps powerfully, knocking discord to the ground. She charges a laser from her horn and blasts him in the face. He takes half the blast before raising his arms to defend himself*

>Waitress! Triple mocha frappulatto, RIGHT STAT NOW!

*Discord swats Applejack 42 away and magically hovers out of her reach*

{I've wanted to do this for such a long time, you know. Messing with your queen is fun and all, but defeating her champion, breaking her spirit and bankrupting her all at once? It's almost too good!}

[STOP FUCKING AROUND AND END HIM ALREADY! APPLEOOSA NEEDS A NEW HUMMINGBIRD SANCTUARY AND THOSE THINGS ARE EXPENSIVE!]

{Oh hush, Shutterfly, let me have my fun! I'm gonna take this niiice and slow...} *Discord materializes some caramel in his hands*

"Caramel? What are you, Applejack 2?"

*Discord raises his eyebrow and the caramel bursts into flames*

"OH GODDESS WHY DID I SAY ANYTHING?"

*Applejack 42 runs around the ring squealing a high pitched "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" as she dodges caramel fireballs with grace and agility, each missing by the tiniest amounts. Chrysalis is surrounded by books, scrolls and empty coffee cups as she flips through random papers at furious speeds. A tiny pair of reading glasses is perched on her nose*

[FINISH HER!]

{I'm trying!}

"IT BUUURNS, OH GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH!"

>42-Erm-Fighterjack, you've fought Shining Armor a hundred times, can you copy his shield spell?

"I dunno, but I can try!"

*Applejack 42's horn glows and she is enclosed in a small green bubble. Discord hurls a few caramel fireballs at the shield, it flickers and dims a bit, but holds strong for the moment*

"Now what?"

>Referee! I make a motion to dismiss the fight! The Pit of a Thousand Corpses Regulation Statute of 1104, article 19, section 44, subsection 1094 states "Hereforthwith , personified elemental forces, beings possessing divine power, greater dragons, magical constructs, and alicorn princesses are prohibited from fighting in the Pit of a Thousand Corpses because they are unable to die.". This fight is unfair!

*Ding-ding, a bell sounds and Discord stops throwing fireballs at Applejack 42's nearly collapsed shield*

-MOTION ACCEPTED. FIGHTERJACK FROM THE RED CORNER WINS THE ROUND DUE TO DEFAULT-

>Woooo! We did it!

-Fighters and coaches, shake hands/hooves/claws-

{Good fight, 42}

"Stuff it Discord, I'll get you next time. If there were no rules I'd have gone RIGHT for your nads"

{You know there's no rule against that, right? You could have just gone right for 'em?}

"... Crap"

[Sorry about being so competitive there, sometimes it just gets the better of me, you know? Can we still be friends?]

>Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, whatever Flutterbutter.

[I-It's Fluttershy]

>What's that? I didn't hear you over the sound of WINNING.

[*whispering* My name's not Flutterbutter..... it's Fluttershy.....]

>Yep, that's great and all, but I gotta go. It was good seeing you, Shutterbug!
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>Applejack 18
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Okay... what if your wife... cheated on YOU first!

"...Pfffftthahahaha! AAAAhhhahahahahah!"

>It could happen!

"AHAHHAHAHAHAH~!"

>She's a very sought after pony!

"C-C-can't breath!"

>This is supposed to be hypothetical!

"Hooo! Okay... I'm calm. Okay, ignoring for a second the utter absurdity of what you just said, no, I still wouldn't sleep with you. I would be far too busy finding out what went wrong and trying to patch things up with Cadence."

>Damn. Okay, what if we were the last ponies on earth, and we had to re-populate the species?

"You're a Changeling."

>Hypothetical!

"Are we 'hypothetically' biologically compatible now?"

>We might be actually compatible, to be honest.

"Still no, as I would be trying to find out how to save the world from whatever calamity befell it. There IS a time travel spell, you know."

>Okay, what if you had a life-threatening disease, and the only cure was to bone a Changeling?

"I'm going to question the medical science of this real quick."

>Hypothetical!

"I thought we were at least trying to stay a LITTLE within the realm of reality. That's the point of the exercise, right? To see how close you are and what your chances COULD be?"

>HYPOTHETICAL, DAMN YOU!

"Fine. If I was dying of some weird, obscure affliction, my sister suddenly huffed a giant can of paint or something and somehow couldn't find an alternative cure you just know she normally could if she put her mind to it, Celestia remained stubborn about not making me immortal, Discord sprains his thumb and can't just chaos the stuff out of me, my wife can't cure me with the power of love, and so long as I was wearing protection, I would probably give you a barebones, uncomfortable hump just long enough to ensure my survival and then go right back to never having sex with you. Good enough?"

>I guess.

"If it makes you feel any better, if my only choice was 29, I'd just let myself die."

>...Good call.
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>Applejack 2
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>SHINY! IT'S THE WORST!

"What's wrong now, 2?"

>I HAVE TA' AVOID A CRAB, OR ELSE SOMETHIN' BAD'LL HAPPEN!

"2, have you been reading the horoscope again?"

>B-B-BUT IT LOOKS REALLY SERIOUS!

"It's not an actual crab, 2, it refers to the cancer constellation."

>You're supposed to get a consultation when you get cancer?

"Well, yes, but a constellation is a batch of stars."

>STARS CAN GET CANCER!? Is there a cure!?

"Yep. Brushing your teeth instead of just pretending to and hoping I won't notice. Star cancer is allergic to plaque, you see, so the tooth fairy takes the stuff you brush off and uses it to cure the star cancer."

>...that makes perfect sense!

"I thought it might."

>...Wait, what did I come in to ask you, again?

"You wanted permission to use the newspaper to make a little hat."

>Oh. Can I!?

"Only if you promise not to read it."

>YAY! *runs off*

"...You know, in hindsight, mom wasn't as crazy as I thought."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

*A giant mass of letters drop next to Celestia*

"...more complaint's about the Changelings?"

>What do ya'll think?

"I think you need to stop dropping this garbage near me. Remember when this all started? Remember my reaction? Here, I'll refresh your memory. NOOOOPE!"

>Ah' could really use yer' help here!

"Canterlot citizens do not like creepy bug monsters who devour the very love from their heart. Whoever would have guessed?"

>Are ya'll enjoyin' this!?

"Immensely. You know how hard it was to stop the Unicorn revolution nine hundred years ago? Everyone just assumed magic meant instant win, but WOW could those earth ponies take some damage. And oh, you don't even want to know what the Pure Pegasi of Allair did back in the day. Racial purity was a huge thing for the longest time. But they got over it, with a little help from me."

>...That's actually kind of inspirin'. But why won't ya' help me?

"Why should I need to? I didn't have any help back in the day. I had to rule an entire country and handle all of that for a thousand years. And I didn't have four other alicorns, the god of chaos, and a large collection of very talented friends to call upon. You can handle this."

>Well gee... Ah' actually appreciate the vote of confidence! Thanks, Tia.

"Anytime."

*After AJ leaves*

"...Fuck no am I getting mixed up in this again, that shit is hard. It's WAY more entertaining to watch. And for once? Not my fault."
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>AJ56
“Miss Cheerilee”
~~~~~~~~~

>You wanted to see me after class, Miss Flowerpot?

“Miss Cheerilee, sweetheart, and yes, I… your left ear is on fire. Why is your left ear on fire?”

Licking a hoof, AJ56 puts the spark out with a smile.

>That’d be the remnant of Flatflanks fourth attempt on my life. She’s getting really creative with her experiments, moving up to trip-wire explosives even.

“...And this doesn’t bother you?”

>Hey, I can see where her frustration comes from! She’s got no plot, not even an ounce of fat back there! It’s gotta be something that haunts her dreams, ya know?

“I… suppose. Even though none of you could pick out a real nightmare if you tried.”

>But yours, Miss Flowerpot! You’re probably why they came up with the phrase ‘Pony got back!’ Yours is outta this world huge, for a teacher anyway!

“I’m not all to sure if I should take that as a compliment, or be concerned a student is eyeing my posterior.”

>Compliment!

Miss Cheerilee merely stared at the beaming Changeling before pulling out two sheets of paper and laying them over her desk.

“Well, my rear aside, can you tell me what these are, AJ56?”

>Awww, but I wanna talk about your rump suh’more….

“Later. What do I have here?”

>Test papers!

“Celestia be praised, you answered correctly. Now, read out the differentiating grades, if you’d kindly.”

>Umm… well, looks like Flatflank got a 96, and I got a- wait. How’d I get a NEGATIVE seven?!


“It would have been an outright zero but not only did you answer the questions wrong, you answered them with options not even available.”

>So what you’re saying is, like, for question six “What is 4+7” the answer isn’t ‘plot divided by mass circumference’?

“That’s not even a viable answer choice, dear.”

>I thought it was a trick question!

Miss Cheerilee twitched with some annoyance and the lights suddenly flickered; AJ56 glanced about the empty classroom as the smell of sulfur and rotted flesh began to tickle his nostrils.

>Those you’re, uh… friends, Miss Flowerpot?

“A few have gathered, yes. But to the point, on the subject of math, Diamond Tiara--”

>Flatflank.

“--has the highest score, so I’m going to assign her to you as a study buddy.”

>NO WAY! Being near such a bony booty would kill me!

The lights blinked out completely for a few seconds, and in that moment, a giant, crimson pair of slitted eyes flashed behind Miss Cheerilee.

>…

“Goodness gracious, we’ll have to get those lights checked out, won’t we? As you were saying, sweetheart?”

>Why is it the ones with the most juiciest rumps come with heaps of crazy stacked on top…?

“Pardon?”

>Nothing! I’ll work with Flatflank!

“Excellent. And with any luck, she’ll blow the both of you sky-high.”

>Come again?

“You’re dismissed, sweetheart.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

*Applejack 42 and Chrysalis sit in the participants part of the stands, recovering and watching the next match*

>That's some good work you did back there, Fighterjack. How're you holding up?

"Mild burns on my hooves but they're not bad. Shouldn't effect my performance."

>Good, good. Can't let anything happen to you out there. You're important.

"R-Really?"

>Yep, without you I won't see anymore movies!

"...oh. I thought you meant th-"

>SHH! Next round's starting!

-NEXT UP WE HAVE A CREATURE BATTLE-

-IN THE RED CORNER, BROUGHT IN FROM THE ICY CAVES OF DEATHPEAK, GRIMCLAW AND HIS BEAST, THE DREADED CRIMSON MANTICORE-

*A fearsome battle scarred griffon walks into the coaches corner. He is wrapped in black metal armor, a permanent scowl on his grizzled face. Beneath him a gate opens and a blood red manticore walks into the pit. He's easily twice the size of a normal manticore, razor sharp fangs, leathery bat wings and a deadly scorpion tail make him an intimidating and deadly opponent. He growls menacingly*

-IN THE BLUE CORNER, FROM THE MISTY PLAINS OF EVERBROOK, SUNSHINE RADIANCE AND HER BEAST, A FAE-DRAGON-

*A large white unicorn with a flowing, hot pink mane, walks into the opposing coaches corner. She is wearing a white silk cloak and her eyes are squinted in determination. Her gate opens and a pudgy fae-dragon walks out. It looks a bit small to be competing... It is green and purple with pink fairy wings and a moderate sized belly.*

-BEGIN!-

*A bell dings twice*

[Slaughterfiend, attack formation delta!]

*The Crimson Manticore leaps into the air, attempting to pounce on the Fae-Dragon*

{Now!}

*BLAM*

*The Crimson Manticore goes limp and collapses into a heap in the centre of the arena*

*Ding-Ding*

-SUNSHINE RADIANCE AND THE FAE-DRAGON FROM THE BLUE CORNER WIN DUE TO OPPONENT DEATH-

-COACHES SHAKE HOOVES/HANDS/CLAWS-

[W-What did you do? How did that happen?!]

{A great coach never gives away her secrets!}

------------

*Backstage*

'So Celes-erm-Sunshine Radiance, remind me what I'm doing here again?'

{My science budget is running low, inventing a form of drinkable cake isn't cheap!}

'Right, that's why YOU'RE here, but why did -I- agree to come? I can't remember...'

{Dragon code. You owe me a favor, remember?}

'For what?'

{Remember when I raised you, for like, a decade?}

'Oh yeah. That. Fair enough.'

*Spike reloads his gun*

'What's with dollar store-fairy wings strapped to my back again?'

{I thought it'd be funny. And it is!}

*Celestia pinches his cheek with magic*

'*mumble-grumble-stupid-princess*'
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>Applejack 18
"Applejack 29"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Snookie!"

>AAAAGH! NO! How did you get back in the castle!?

"...how the hell did YOU get back in the castle?"

>They let me in!

"There's some serious discrimination going on here."

>You know what? Fine. Do some paperwork or something.

"Do... what?"

>Paperwork. File things? It's why they keep letting me in. Yeah, I'm trying to get Shiny to stuff me like a Hearths warming stocking, but I'm also the only thing keeping him from slipping into full on narcolepsy. Do some paperwork and they'll likely look the other way.

"You keep using that word. Paper what?"

>...Paperwork.

"Stop speaking jibberish!"

>What, work?

"HISSS!"

>...

"Sorry, that happens sometimes, what did you say?"

>Work.

"HISSSSSSS!"

>I take it you're not a fan of actual labor?

"FOULEST SCOURGE UPON THIS EARTH, HOLD THINE TONGUE!"

>Really. You're SO important that royalty should just be SO privileged to sleep with you and give you everything for free?

"Do you like stating the obvious? I can do it too. The crystal is shiny. That rock is hard. 42 is going to die a virgin."

>Just... just go get shot out a window or something.

"Oh please, I brought stockings! As if Cadence OR Shiny would be able to resist! Oooooh~ lovlies!"*He leaves*

>...3... 2... 1

*Glass shattering noise*

>Simple pleasures.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Luna"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Luna, put it away.

"But we wish you to measure it most accurately! It has surely it has reduced in size, we know it!"

>It ain't.

"But look at all of the care taken! Does thou really believe I would come to you if I was not sure?"

>Get it out of mah' face, please. Yer' gonna put my eye out.

"No! Look upon it and give an accurate measurement this instant! We demand it!"

>...Fine.

"..."

>...Well, what do ya' know, yer' crown is a bit smaller!

"WE TOLD YOU! Our sister sat upon it and tried to bend it back into shape, we are sure of it! Ohhh, that obscene backside of hers! We knew it would cause trouble!"

>Like ya'll have any room ta' talk.

"WE ARE ON A DIET SHUT UP!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack 29
"Sombra (Spoken)"
'Sombra (Written)'
[Applejack 2]

In a dark corner of the bottomost level of the castle, two figures peer through tomes of eldritch lore, desperately seeking the key to bringing back what is long deceased...

>Look, I'm just saying if this falls through, I need a back up, now spill.

"Gwargh!"

>Come on, I know you know, you and that little squirt are around him all the time!

"Grr..."

*Scribble*

'Call her that again, and I will maim you.'

>Ooh, Mr. Snippy. Look just gimme some deets and I'll shut up.

"..."

*Scribble*

'He's small. Very small. Ludicrously small. His virility is so absurdly tiny that there will never be an heir to the throne before my glorious return to power!'

>...can I get that in inches?

"GRAWR!"

>Shit, alright, I'll shut up!

[Somby, are you down here? I've been looking all over!]

*scribble*

'Blast, we are found, quick to the staircase!'

The two gallop to the staircase.

*Scribble*

'Hide yourself in the shadows, I shall return later once my obligations are completed!'

>Obligations?

"Shhh!"

[There you are, Somby, come on, it's time for our tea party! Shiny made sure to switch out Cady's cakes with some other ones when she wasn't looking!]

"Rarghargh!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Shining's Mom
"Shining's Dad"
'Applejack 2'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Oh my goodness, you are just the most PRECIOUS LITTLE THIIING! EEEE!

"Dear, come on now, don't strangle the poor thing."

>But look at her! Just LOOK sweetie! Oh, I just want to put you in a little dress! A bunch of dresses! ALL THE DRESSES!

"Sorry, she's been going through a bit of 'empty nest syndrome' after both of our children went on to be royalty."

'Can the dresses have little frills?'

>ALL OF THE FRILLS!

'YAAAAAY!"

>YAAAAAY!

"...So is that smoke monster with you, or...."

'Blue ribbons! I like blue.'

>Why?

'Cause Shiny's hair is blue, and I like Shiny."

>...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!

'In the castle.'

>EEEEEE!

"Seriously, he's creeping me out. They're just... eyes. Floating evil eyes."

'EEEEEE!'

>EEEEE!

"...he said two days, right? He'd be back in two days?... Honey?... crud."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cadence
"Applejack 29"

-NEXT FIGHTERS GET READY, 14 TO THE RIGHT, 19 TO THE LEFT-

>So you know the plan?

"Sure do. Head in, use my amazing shape-shifting abilities to win the fights, once I am crowned champion I get a piece of DAT ROYAL BOOTY"

>HM? Oh, yeah, sure. But more importantly, you need to conserve your energy, there are a lot of fights planned for today and I need you to win them ALL. I need to pay back that money before Shiny notices!

"What money? You never said anything about that"

>Look, it's not my fault, okay?! There were ponies and photographers and a giant cheque and it's all a big blur! Perfume is a chemical, how was I supposed to know it didn't count as 'chemotherapy'? So we need to get the bits and build an addition on the hospital before Applejack or Shiny looks too closely!

"And you're sure you'll follow through? You're not lying?"

>We'll make out in a closet for like, 3 minutes. And I'll probably send Applejack 18 to do it without telling you.

"Good enough for me! Outta my way world, I got a tournament to win!"

*The fighters go in the tunnels and the coaches go to their corners*

-IN THE RED CORNER, FROM THE RUINS OF THE CHANGELING EMPIRE, THE BUG WITH BITE, BUTTKICKER-SUPREME-

*Applejack 29 struts out to mixed response, some cheers but mostly boo's*

>Why did I let him pick his own name?

-IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE BEAST FROM THE EAST, HE MAKES KARATE LOOK LIKE PILATE, THE ONE, THE ONLY, MOOOOOOOOSE LEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

*The crowd explodes in cheers, you can hear fangirls squee and underwear rains down on the battlefield*

*From the gate steps a thin, muscled moose. He wears white cloth pants, a red headband blowing in a non-existant wind. He takes a low bow*

"Ewwww, non-royal undergarments!"

*Applejack 29 tiptoes forward through the minefield of commoner's underwear

'EEYYAAAA'

*In a blur of speed and ferocity Moose Lee closes on Applejack and begins laying down a beating faster than the eye can follow*

"CADANCE! THROW IN THE TOWEL! PLEASE!"

*CRACK THUD BOFF*

"I'LL DO ANY-hurf-ANYTHING! I'LL NEVER-ugh-FLIRT AGAIN!"

*Cadance stands in her corner filing her hooves, humming to herself absent-mindedly*

>Am I supposed to be doing something? I have the weirdest feeling I'm forgetting something...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

>Nah, it's probably nothing.

*SNAP CRACKLE POP*

"I SURRENDER! PLEASE!"

*CRUNCH, Applejack 29 goes limp*

*DING-DING*

-THE WINNER, DUE TO KNOCK OUT, MOOSE LEE-

-COACHES, SHAKE HANDS/HOOVES/CLAWS-

*Cadance continues sitting in her corner, filing her hooves and humming, oblivious to the world around her*
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
“Spitfire”
‘Rainbow Dash’
-Spike-
_________

“Hey, Spike, Applejack, uh... can we talk?”

>Spitfire? Well if this ain’t a surprise. What brings… y’all… huh.

Bringing her pen-hoof to a stop, Applejack looked up to see the iconic pegasus dressed in a French maid outfit, a feather duster tucked behind her ear, and wearing a rainbow-colored thong that read ‘Rainbow’s Bitch’ on the back.

>Wow.

-Double wow.-

“Yeah.”

>Like Ah constantly tell Celestia, it’s yer' own fault. If you’d jus’ done yer' work, you’d still be headin’ the Wonderbolts, Spit’.

“You know, that’s all fine and well, I accept I was a shit-tastic leader where form submission and regulations were concerned but damn… she’s got me cleaning the crotches of her thongs with my tongue! My tongue! What have you got to say about that?”

A shudder shook Applejack and she tried not to laugh.

>Taste the rainbow?

Spike blew a raspberry, clutching his sides.

-Nice one!-

“It’s foul! You know this!”

>To be fair, Spit’… why in the name of Luna’s humongous backside are y’all even doin’ that? It’s not like there’s a law forcin’ ya to.

-She's stupid. Obviously.-

“Shut up, Spike. It's because I’m trying to wait her out! Watch for that chink in her amor so I can get my old job back! It’s been over a month, Applejack, I thought you said I’d be back where I was?”

>Well, that was before Dash actually started doin’ a good job, y’see. Mind, it’s not spectacular, hell, it’s barely noticeable, but it’s still head and shoulders above what y’all were doin’.

-And that’s saying something.-

“Oh come on! Can’t you just, like, scoot her back to weather patrol or something? I really, really, REALLY want my office back… I swear I’ll do the paperwork right and everything, I swear it! I’ll clean your thongs with my tongue if you want me, too!”

>First of all, gross much? Second, Ah don’t wear thongs.

“I’ll kiss your ass, then!”

-Your dignity levels are plummeting at record speeds there, Spitfire.-

Before Spitfire can say another word, a loud, mischievous voice barrels down the hallway.

‘Oh, Spitfire! Olly olly oxen freeeee! Come on out, I got a brand new batch of thongs for you to clean! And after that, you can pop into two and pick up my new Daring Do book!’

“She’s trying to kill me!”

-Yup, sounds like it. Good luck with that. Now, we still have work of our own to sift through so if you’ll just….-

And as cordially as possibly, Spike ushers the struggling pegasus from the room, closing the door behind her.

>Thanks, sugarcube.

-Not a problem, Princess.-

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________