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  2. ---------- Forwarded message ---------
  3. From: Sora33o . <>
  4. Date: Thu, Oct 10, 2013, 9:13 PM
  5. Subject: You said you want to understand. Well here you go!
  6. To: <>, JIM BAILEY <>, Ashtyn Bailey <>, William Jarvis <>
  9. The following was extremely difficult for me to write. I cried multiple times and debated writing it at all. But in the hopes of spreading awareness and reducing the stigma that surrounds me and this disease, I decided to share it with you. These are the emails I've written to Jimbo over the past week explaining how debilitating this disorder really is.
  10. Hey Jimbo! Mom told me I can't let this illness run my life either, but I looked up treatments on OCD and it was saying how, you know what, I'll just copy and paste the passage here... Ok I couldn't find it but basically what it was saying was you can reprogram your brain after not doing the rituals for a long time. I can't do that now it'll have to wait till I'm living on my own. But here's something I found on family coping.
  12. •  Negative comments or criticism can make OCD worse, while a calm, supportive environment can help improve the outcome of treatment. Focus on the sufferer’s positive qualities and avoid making personal criticisms.
  13. •  Don’t scold someone with OCD or tell the person to stop performing rituals. They can’t comply, and the pressure to stop will only make the behaviors worse. Remember, your loved one’s OCD behaviors are symptoms, not character flaws.
  14. •  Be as kind and patient as possible. Each sufferer needs to overcome problems at their own pace. Praise any successful attempt to resist OCD, and focus attention on positive elements in the person’s life.
  15. •  Do not play along with your loved one’s OCD rituals. Helping the sufferer with rituals will only reinforce the behavior. Support the person, not their rituals.
  16. •  Create a pact to not allow OCD to take over family life. Sit down as a family and decide how you will work together to tackle your loved one’s OCD symptoms. Try to keep family life as normal as possible and the home a low-stress environment.
  17. •  Communicate positively, directly and clearly. Communication is important so you can find a balance between standing up to the OCD and not further distressing your loved one.
  18. •  Find the humor. Seeing the humor and absurdity in some OCD symptoms can help the sufferer become more detached from the disorder. Of course, a situation is only humorous if the sufferer finds it funny, too.
  20. Now, what bothers me are the first 3 rules of engagement. Dad blows up at me for things out of my control, and he treats me like shit for being unemployed and, "lazy". You know what he said last night, he said, "you're no different now then when you got back from the air force." I had all I could do not to blow up in this motherfucker's face. I told him MULTIPLE times over the past few months that my symptoms are getting worse and worse, and that now their the worst they've ever been! But does he listen? FUCK NO! He'd rather push my problems under the rug and criticize me than be nice and help me work through my problems. Look at number 2, it says don't scold someone for performing OCD rituals. Now you know I spit in napkins, it's my way of cleaning my mouth before I eat, and I can't leave the room because I'll breathe the "wrong kind" of air for that room, then I'll have to spit again. It's a very laborious process, but my mind won't let me stop. Dad blows up at me every time I do it, or tells me to leave the room or do it in the bathroom. And when I do leave the room I hear him talking about me saying, "it's not OCD it's a disgusting habit, he can control it! I can't eat with him anymore!". You know Jimbo, when I was younger I used to cry when dad did this kind of stuff, now I just get angry and bottle it all up. All he's doing is adding fuel to my ever growing fire, and it's his own fault. Alright, now number 7 is tricky. Mom and dad know my symptoms aren't funny, and I get real mad when anyone says anything about it, but some of my hallucinations are actually pretty damn funny! This one time at Ingles, I asked this lady what she wanted, and she was puzzled and was thinking about it real hard, and then all of a sudden I see these bubbles coming out of her head and popping in the air! It was hilarious! And then another time I was watching my history teacher talk, and I was looking at her lips when all of a sudden her lips turned a pretty blue color, like a sky blue but a little darker. And then as she was talking it's like it wiped itself off slowly from the center to the edges. And it was gone, and her lips were normal again! And yeah those hallucinations are funny, but the demons and shadows and voices, no those are terrifying. I had to get my blood drawn today, and the lady that did it was a fat black woman with weird hair. So I go in there and her friends are there, she didn't even say hi or ask me how I was doing or nothing. So I sit down and she couldn't figure out how to tie the rubber band around my arm, she finally got it on but then untied it and put it on my other arm. Then as she was getting the needle ready the phone rang and her friend answered it and said it was for her and she said, "WHO IT BE!?" just... like... that... and apparently it was a guy named LaOndre calling her to see how she was doing or something. And she said, "Tell that nigga he owe me money!" And she was serious Jimbo! Then the guy hung up and they all got mad! All the while she was taking my blood and I'm sitting there like, please don't rip my vein please don't rip my vein! It was ridiculous! Then I left and I was thinking to myself, how unprofessional. She did such a half ass job it wasn't even funny. I hate to say it like this but you can't just let some nigger work in a hospital! As for Publix, they said they definitely want to hire me but they're trying to hire everyone at once, and finish all the interviews before they can do orientation. So it's going to take some time for me to get hired, but yes I'm still going to ask around. I just hate it how dad makes these stupid assumptions about what I'm doing. Last night he said I've only applied at 2 places in a whole month. I've told him everywhere I've gone and applied, he just wants to make me look as bad as possible and as lazy as possible. I've gone to Target, Michaels, the movie theater, Ingles, Publix, Zaxby's, Sam's Club, PetSmart, Toys R Us, 5 Below, JCPenny, Kohl's, Academy Sports and authority, Party City, Hardee's, Arby's, Famous Footwear, Burger King, Payless, LA Fitness, IHOP, Waffle House, Huddle House, Dollar Tree, Little Caesar's, some Mexican restaurant, the other Publix, Pizza Hut and Denny's. And the only places that told me they were hiring now were Zaxby's and Publix. Everyone else either wasn't hiring or they said come back in November when we're getting ready for the holiday season. So dad can go fuck himself when he says I've only been to 2 fucking places. I don't know if you've noticed Jimbo but there ain't shit in Locust Grove. The only other places I can go to apply are Walmart and McDonald's. I heard horror stories from both so I have no intention of working there. Now some of the hotels are hiring, but they only want people to work at night, like from 10pm - 6am. And I don't know if I could do that between school and everything else. I wouldn't have any time to sleep. Not to mention study. But I hate how dad thinks that I can just go to every single place in a day and get a job. I've never gotten a job like that. It's always taken a little bit of time, or the right time. Ingles was great because it was right before Christmas and the needed help, and Office Depot hired me for extra help for the back to school season, shit even Zaxby's hired me because they needed help for the new store they were building! And last night dad said I bet you don't even want a job. Of course I want a job! The less time I have to spend around you the better motherfucker! And he's always giving me shit about all the money I owe him. And like I told mom, it's not like I'm spending all your money on TV's and Xboxes and games and stuff for my car or alcohol. I had to use that money for lets see... DOCTORS??? Yeah, remember that day I was hospitalized? I thought I was having a heart attack but as it turned out I was just really... really stressed from all the bullshit I had to do at Ingles. And of course the psychologist was expensive, but that was the only way I could get my medication. Now what I really want to say to dad, you know what I want to tell him? I've wanted to tell them everything I was going through, how kids in school would bully me because I had to touch things, or twitch when I write or how my entire senior year I hid in the bathroom and didn't eat lunch because I was afraid of being bullied yet again. But no, I couldn't tell them. How could I? Every conversation I've ever had with him was nothing but a one-sided criticism or rant. I even remember all the times they would sit me down and say they've noticed some weird things that I do, and just say that they're trying to help. Fuck him. I would've told them 12 years ago If I felt comfortable around them! We could've fixed this problem before I became a prisoner in my own mind. I remember the first time I heard the voice. Ok Jimbo this might be kind of hard for you to understand at this point but try to bear with me. I've had this "voice" during my life when I get really stressed that tells me to do stuff but I don't do it. You ever had that? It's like I hear it but I don't hear it. I'm not insane ok I don't want you to think that, It's just kind of like someone's inside my head saying horrible things. But anyway the first time I actually remember hearing the voice was when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I borrowed my friend's RC car and was driving it around the street. I saw Mrs. Kacy walking outside so I thought It would be funny to park the RC car right next to her car. Unfortunately as soon as I parked it she backed up and ran over it. Dad saw and snatched me up and gave me a horrible beating then sent me inside. I went to my room and sat on my bed. He pulled me on the floor, screamed at me and held my Nintendo 64 in his hand and said, "I'm going to sell this to get the money to buy that girl a new car!" Then he slammed my door and marched off. I was crying my eyes out for a good hour when all of a sudden, I heard this voice. It was like nothing I've ever heard before. At the time I had no idea what it was. "Kill him". What? "Kill him!". No! "He's going to take everything you've ever loved away from you, do it!" Ok, Jimbo this is hard for me to write, I'm starting to cry but I'll go on. I really tried to forget this ever happened. "It'll be easy, just wait till he's asleep. Go to the drawer, get a sharp knife, and that's it!" Then later that night I went to the kitchen, opened the drawer, picked up a sharp knife, and just stared at it. I felt so guilty for even going that far that I threw the knife down and ran back to bed. I vowed that night to never hurt dad in any way, and to try to make him as proud of me as possible. And then I never heard the voice again. Until about four years ago. Now as you know, the move was devastating for me. I was in a great band, I had lots of friends, my self esteem was incredible, and the OCD was barely noticeable, even for me! I was happy, I was drawing, socializing, going to parties, making good grades, and even started to plan my life. Then we moved. And it didn't sink in for about three months. After that, my life was pretty bad. I was bullied a lot, I was depressed almost all the time and I had no friends and nothing to do. Ok, I'm going to skip ahead to the Air Force. The whole year before the Air Force things were starting to look up for me. Dad was always nice and let me do what I wanted to do really. And when he did give me shit it didn't bother me so much because I knew, come September 18, I won't have to deal with you anymore, dad! Those 2 months after I graduated and right before I went off to basic were some of the best in my life. I had Will over, I went to Milton, I got to see you and go to the beach countless times. Then came September 17, the goodbye day. Mom was crying and dad couldn't stop smiling at me. I knew at that moment that no matter what I was going to go off to the Air Force and make my dad proud of me. I felt good, and I was excited, Jimbo, I really was! So I spent the night in a nice hotel and we got up early and had a great breakfast, and then we departed for Atlanta airport, after going to the Army base to do some last minute processing and split off into our groups. Anyway we arrive at the airport and man I couldn't be more excited in my life. We get into our groups based on branch of service and then we're told to go find something to eat, and that it'll be your last civilian meal for eight weeks so make sure it's something special. Can you guess what I got Jimbo, can you guess? That's right, four Krystal cheeseburgers, some fries and a coke. And they tasted so fucking good, too, like you wouldn't believe. Then we waited for a while until our flight got called so we got on the plane. I even got a window seat! I felt like a million dollars. Then our plane landed at about 10pm, we got off, got on a bus, and after about 20 minutes we arrived at Lackland Air Force base. Which is funny because it's huge and definitely not lacking in any land. Then we get off the bus and go into some building I don't even know. It was funny Jimbo the entire time I was there, when I got fussed at it never fazed me at all, because dad always did it worse. Dad criticized me on a personal level, but these guys didn't know me for who I was. And I was used to getting fussed at! It was so weird seeing grown men cry for being fussed at and I'm just thinking to myself, really? You guys obviously didn't have a dick for a father. I was able to take everything they threw at me Jimbo. Except for this one guy, as soon as we left that area and went into our bunks for the first time, that's when shit hit the fan for me. It seemed like everything bad that could happen, did happen. To start, I was placed in the squadron where all the rapes happened. And it just so happened to be the squadron where all the battlefield airmen were trained. So you know that's where the hardest MTI's are. Ok, so we go to our bays and we all stand by a locker. Then this MTI comes in and tell us to take our locks, and lock our security doors. The mechanism is a pull up push in your lock and close it and you're done kind of lock. Mine was the only one in the whole flight that didn't work. So I raised my hand and said, "Excuse me, Sir, my lockers broken." He looked at me like I was stupid and said, "The fuck it is! You're doing it wrong, trainee!" And it was so funny Jimbo he came over and tried to do it and it was broken and he kinda fumbled around then he took my shit and put it in a new locker! And of course that one worked fine. Then he told us to take out our wetbelts and put them on. Yet again, mine was the only one that was fucked up. It was way too damn small so I couldn't even get it halfway around me. I asked him for help yet again and he was furious. He came over and said, "Well if you would've worked out like you were supposed to it would fit!" And yet again he tried to pull it together, and it wouldn't fit, so we ended up strapping it around my neck like a thick necklace. And then, now by this time Jimbo I felt like god hated me or something, then he told us to open our security doors, and put all of our shit in it. So I unlocked my lock to my door, pulled on the handle but it was stuck. And I'm telling you Jimbo by this time the trainee next to me was feeling sorry for me. Yet again I told the MTI I was having trouble, and he stomped over and blatantly said, "Are you retarded, trainee? Are you fucking retarded!? What's your name trainee?" "Ryan" "YOUR LAST NAME YOU FUCKING MORON" "B-Bailey, sir" "Trainee Bailey... Are you a fucking retard? Answer me, god dammit, ARE YOU RETARDED!?!?" "No sir, I'm not" "THEN OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!" "Sir it's stuck" Then he kicked it really hard and pulled and it opened, "It's what, trainee Bailey?" then he went to the office for a second came back and said, "You know what trainee Bailey, you're special, I'm going to give you something that special people get." Then he gave me a road guard vest. It's really just a construction worker vest, you know the orange and yellow ones? Yeah he gave me one, and at the time I thought it was bad, like he was singling me out. But as I came to find out it meant I was a road guard, so I could march in the back and not get noticed as much. Which for me was a good thing. Luckily he was only our MTI for that night and I didn't see him again until waaay later when I was in med hold. And Oh my god it was crazy when I did see him. He was marching a flight and me and trainee Key were marching to an appointment so we were going in opposite directions. He saw me, stopped marching, and just stared at me marching by. "You... I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE!" God damn Jimbo it was hilarious, him just stopping like that, all for me! Then he turned away and I could just barely hear him say, "trainee Bailey...". I honestly don't even know how he remembered me, or recognized me. By that time my head was shaved, I was wearing glasses and in full uniform. I don't know I guess I stuck out for him. But anyway Jimbo I'm going to go back to zero week. The only week I completed in BMT. About the third day in, my back started hurting really bad. And I had no idea what was going on. And I always heard the horror stories about med hold so I didn't tell anyone about it. But then it just got to the point where I couldn't move and I needed help to get out of bed. So I told my MTI that I need to go to the doctor and he said ok. So I did and the doctor told me I was going to med hold and god I was so pissed. The 9 days I spent in real training were just terrible on my mind. I was always the last one out of the bays because I was so slow. It literally took me five minutes to put on one boot. I had to keep taking it off, looking at it, untie the string, tie it again, touch the inside, run the back of my hand around the sole, and tap it on the ground three times before putting my foot in. So I didn't get in the dayroom for at least 2 minutes after everyone else, and boy did they give me shit about it. At least it wasn't as bad as trying to go to bed. I don't know if you know, Jimbo, but here before I go to bed I have to close my door, touch it just right, drag my feet across the floor in a certain pattern, get to my fan with a chain that hangs down, touch every single bead that leads to the handle, and pull it just right so I can turn the light off, the jump into my bed. And if I did it wrong, I have to get out of bed, turn the light back on, walk to my door, and start the whole process over again. But in the Air Force... it was a little bit different. For the first time I had to compensate for other things. Instead of walking my floor I had to walk around the entire bay, touch each bedpost in the middle, then when I got to my bed I had to run my hands on the sides of the bed and the bars holding it up, kick the bottom corner post of it, then climb just right to get in. It was very difficult because I couldn't get down from the top bunk if I messed up. Luckily I had the bottom bunk in med hold for a few weeks so life was a little bit easier, at night anyways. But I didn't start to hear the voice again till about October 6, give or take a few days we could never tell what day it was. But Jimbo I remember the voice like it was yesterday, I know what it sounds like, I know how vicious it is, and I know how bad it wants me to do bad things. Around this time I started to feel like a failure. I failed you, I failed myself, but most of all, I failed dad. I couldn't go back to him as a failure Jimbo I just couldn't! I remember the day, too. Trainee Beasley and I were going to the hospital to see if his leg was healing up. And by this point I was beyond depressed. I haven't slept in a week straight, I couldn't go to the bathroom, and I never felt hungry. It was the lowest I've ever been. And that's when I heard it for the first time in a long time, "What are you doing here? You've failed, you can't go back to your father now, he'll never accept you! You should kill yourself." And I actually accepted that Jimbo, I accepted what he was saying and I agreed. It was like I was outside myself, like something else was controlling my actions and I was too weak to fight against it. "Throw yourself in front of a car, FUCKING DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I remember just stopping and saying please no! And then it said, "You can't face your dad again, just find a car that's big enough that'll kill you quick, no pain, you've been through enough". And I actually agreed with him, Jimbo. Like I told my therapist, the only reason why I didn't kill myself that day was I couldn't find a car that was going fast enough to kill me instantly. Since then till the next week he had control over me. I was so broken Jimbo that I couldn't fight against him. For the next week and a half or so all I wanted was pain. I would punch myself in the back just to feel pain. It's what I wanted, I wanted to hurt myself as much as I felt I hurt my family by failing them. I would take the knives they gave us in the dining facility and just run the blade along my arm and hands to scratch them up. And every time I saw someone I had these vivid images of stabbing them in the throat, tasting their blood, cutting them into pieces and flushing them down the latrine. One time I had just made my bed and it was perfect, then I left the room for five minutes and came back and my bed was unmade and my 341 was torn up. A 341 is just a piece of paper with your name and flight number on it so the MTI's know who's bed it is. But anyway it was torn up and these black guys that have been bothering me all day were sitting next to my bed playing cards. So I walk up to them and I said, "Who did it". Then they started getting defensive and saying they don't know and they didn't do it. So I got closer and I said," That's bullshit, you were sitting right here and you mean to tell me you don't know who the fuck did this!? Are you trying to fuck with me, huh? You don't like how they picked me for element leader over you huh, Anus?" Then he got mad and said," Ok, first of all my name's Aniss, not anus. Second of all, I didn't mess yo shit up, so back the fuck up!" Now by this time the dorm chief stepped in to calm us down. And he pulled me away, and I was just in fumes. And then the voice again, "Snap that good for nothing nigger's neck. Do it! End him. You know he did it, that's all niggers do is lie. Kill him. DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT" Then I went into the office and started chanting the Buddhist chant to calm myself down. And the dorm chief and the other element leaders came in to help me calm down. After that the last time I heard the voice was with this guy McCoy. Damn he was such a dick. For that week and a half that I couldn't control myself I never bathed, because I was still planning on killing myself so why would I need to be clean? So this dick would take every opportunity to give me shit about how bad I smelled. He would say such mean and nasty things, and one night we were marching back to our squadron and he was marching behind me, he told the trainee beside me to switch places with him so they switched. Then he said, "Do you smell Bailey? He smells like shit doesn't he? I just wanted you to get a whiff! Hahahahaha!!" And that was when the voice came back, "Snap his neck, then kill yourself. Bring him with you to the depths of hell. Come on, murder feels great, you should try it. FUCKING KILL HIM!! DO IT NOW!! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT". And I'm telling you Jimbo I never in all my life felt so strong an urge. I wanted to snap his neck so bad, he was right next to me. I wanted to see what it felt like to murder someone. To take all my rage out on one person. But I couldn't do it. I was so depressed in there Jimbo it was draining me. I started to think I was a failure. No girl would ever touch me, I'm ugly, I'm worthless. I'm nothing. I couldn't go home and tell my dad what was happening to me he wouldn't understand. No one understands. But I did go home. Even after all the nasty letters you and dad sent me, thinking that you knew what I was going through. Even after dreading that moment seeing dad again, having him refuse to talk to me on the phone because in his eyes I "quit". And I know in a lot of ways he still thinks that. But after all I went through to make him proud, he still just doesn't care. I've always wondered, what if I did kill myself? Would he finally understand? Would he finally be proud of me? You know Jimbo the day I came back I vowed to never give a fuck about anything my dad wanted. It was trying to please him that almost got me killed. That day, November 5, the day I came back I decided to never subjugate myself to him any more. He's always wanting to talk about my problems but I know as soon as I do he'll find some way to use them against me. The last time I cried for him was in the Air Force when I felt that I failed. And the last time I cried was when I couldn't sleep and I was scared the demons in my head would take me over completely again. I don't want that to ever happen again. I've been through hell and back, Jimbo. So that's why when dad tries to tell me he's been through worse, I give him a silent "fuck you" in my mind. I don't plan on ever telling him exactly what happened in the Air Force or what I almost did because of him. But I'm glad I told you. If I could've video taped it I would've, but living it once was bad enough. Ok, Jimbo I'm tired! Bye!
  24. That was the email I sent Jimbo a few days ago. Now read the next one that describes, in detail, everything I have to go through every single fucking day.
  31. Formatting tip!
  33. Hey guys! I'm gonna tell you how I wrote this. See I originally wanted to just highlight what I have and send it to Jimbo, but I didn't realize how crazy accurate this article was. So, what I have is highlighted, and my thoughts are highlighted in that same color. Some of it may be hard to understand, but it's even harder to live with it. So bear with me, and enjoy learning about OCD!    
  48. Hey Jimbo, I found this article that talks about OCD and it's crazy how accurate it is. Here is my type of OCD explained. I thought I was the only one!
  50. I will paste the entire article in here and highlight what I have and think about.
  52. Ok, guys. Read this and you will see what I have to go through on a day to day basis. Then tell me what you're stressed about.
  54. The Different Types of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
  55. Traditionally it has been thought that there are four main categories of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), as well as numerous  sub-types of the illness within each category.  However, typically a person’s OCD will fall into one of the following four areas.
  56. • Checking
  57. • Contamination / Mental Contamination
  58. • Hoarding
  59. • Ruminations / Intrusive Thoughts
  60. This list categorises the most common forms of OCD and some of the fears associated with them. It is by no means an exhaustive list and there will always be forms of OCD that do not feature here, and  obsessions or compulsions that are not listed either.  However this does not mean it is definitely not OCD. Remember - if you are experiencing distressing and unwanted obsessions and compulsions, that impact significantly on your everyday functioning,this could represent a principal component in the clinical diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
  61. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is diagnosed when the Obsessions and Compulsions:
  62. • Consume excessive amounts of time (approximately an hour or more).
  63. • Cause significant distress and anguish.
  64. • Interfere with daily functioning at home, school, or work; or interfere with social activities/ family life/relationships.
  66. Types of OCD: Checking - the need to check is the compulsion, the obsessive fear might be to prevent damage, fire, leaks or harm. Common checking includes:
  67. • Gas or electric stove knobs (fear of causing explosion and therefore the house to burn down).
  68. • Water taps  (fear of flooding property and damaging irreplaceable treasured items).
  69. • Door locks  (fear of allowing a burglar to break in and steal or cause harm).
  70. • House alarm   (fear of allowing a burglar to break in and steal or cause harm).
  71. • Windows  (fear of allowing a burglar to break in and steal or cause harm).
  72. • Appliances  (fear of causing the house to burn down).
  73. • House lights (fear of causing the house to burn down).
  74. • Car doors  (fear of car being stolen).
  75. • Re-reading postal letters and greetings cards before sealing / mailing  (fear of writing something inappropriate or offensive).
  76. • Candles (fear of causing the house to burn down).
  77. • Route after driving (fear of causing an accident).
  78. • Wallet or purse (fear of losing important bank cards or documents).
  79. • Illnesses and symptoms online (fear of developing an illness, constant checking of symptoms).
  80. • People – Calling and Texting (fear of harm happening to a loved one).
  81. • Reassurance  (fear of saying or doing something to offend or upset a loved one).
  82. • Re-reading words or lines in a book over and over again (fear of not quite taking in the information or missing something important from the text).
  83. • Schizophrenia Symptoms – (fear that OCD is a precursor to  Schizophrenia which will cause them to lose control).
  84. The checking is often carried out multiple times, sometimes hundreds of times, and for hours on end, resulting in the person being late for work, dates and other appointments.  This can have a serious impact on a person’s ability to hold down jobs and relationships.  The checking can also cause damage to objects that are constantly being checked.             I get a lot of bruises on my hands where I have to constantly hit or touch things and you can see a lot of dirt ot the walls from where I've had to touch them over the years.
  86. Contamination – the need to clean and wash is the compulsion, the obsessive fear is that something is contaminated and/or  may cause illness, and ultimately death, to a loved one or oneself.
  87. • Using public toilets (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  88. • Coming into contact with chemicals (fear of contamination).
  89. • Shaking hands (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  90. • Touching door knobs/handles  (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  91. • Using public telephones  (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  92. • Waiting in a GP’s surgery  (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  93. • Visiting hospitals  (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  94. • Eating in a cafe/restaurant   (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  95. • Washing clothes in a launderette   (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  96. • Touching bannisters on staircases  (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  97. • Touching poles  (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  98. • Being in a crowd   (fear of contracting germs from other people).
  99. • Avoiding red objects and stains (fear of contracting HIV/AIDS from blood like stains).  
  100. • Clothes (having to shake clothes to remove dead skin cells, fear of contamination).
  101. • Excessive Tooth Brushing   (fear of leaving minute remains of mouth disease).
  102. • Cleaning of Kitchen and Bathroom   (fear of germs being spread to family).
  104. The cleaning or washing is often carried out multiple times often accompanied by rituals of repetitive hand or body washing until the person ‘feels’ it is clean, rather than someone without OCD who will wash or clean once until they ‘see’ they are clean.  The time this takes can have a serious impact on a person’s ability to hold down jobs and relationships and there is also a secondary physical health impact of the constant scrubbing and cleaning on the skin, especially the hands.  A person may also avoid entire places if they experienced contamination fears there previously.  There is also  a cost implication of the constant use and purchase of cleaning products, and also of items (especially electrical) that are damaged through excessive liquid damage.
  105. I avoid going into the garage and near the trashcan because that's where I saw maggots on the floor.
  106. Mental Contamination In addition to the more familiar type of contamination, that is commonly perceived to be the stereo-typical image of OCD, involving someone that washes their hands repeatedly after coming into contact with potentially dirty objects or environments, there is also a less obvious form called 'mental contamination'.
  107. This is mainly what I have
  108. The feelings of mental contamination share some qualities with contact contamination but have some distinctive features.  Feelings of mental contamination can be evoked by times when a person perhaps felt badly treated, physically or mentally, through critical or verbally abusive remarks.  It is almost as if they are  made to feel like dirt, which creates a feeling of internal uncleanliness — even in the absence of any physical contact with a dangerous/dirty object.   A distinctive feature of mental contamination is that the source is almost always human, unlike the contact contamination that is caused by physical contact with inanimate objects.
  109. The person will engage in repetitive and compulsive attempts to wash the dirt away by showering and washing which is where the similarities with traditional contamination OCD return.
  110. Hoarding - Another obsession long considered to be part of  ‘OCD’ is the inability to discard useless or worn out possessions, commonly referred to as ‘hoarding’.
  111. In the past it was suggested that hoarding, as a subtype of OCD, may be less responsive to treatment than other forms.  However, as a result of more recent research, and due to a greater understanding of this problem, there is now significant evidence to suggest that treatment can be just as effective for this type of OCD, as with others.
  112. I have to have tissues and used paper towels in my room otherwise I won't be able to sleep. I use them to spit if I feel mentally contaminated, or in the fear of having a nosebleed.
  113. More information about hoarding can be found here.
  114. Ruminations  'Rumination' is a term often used to describe all obsessional intrusive thoughts, but this is misleading.  In the context of OCD a rumination is actually a train of prolonged thinking about a question or theme that is undirected and unproductive. Unlike obsessional thoughts, ruminations are not objectionable and are indulged rather than resisted. Many ruminations dwell on religious, philosophical, or metaphysical topics, such as the origins of the universe, life after death, the nature of morality, and so on.
  115. One such example might be where a person dwells on the time-consuming question: 'Is everyone basically good?'.  They would ruminate on this for a long period of time, going over in their mind various considerations and arguments, and contemplating what superficially appeared to them to be compelling evidence.
  116. Another example might be someone that ruminates about what would happen to them after death. They would weigh up the various theoretical possibilities, visualise scenes of heaven, hell, and other worlds and try to remember what philosophers and scientists have said about death.
  117. OCD is hell for me, so my hell would be if my symptoms got worse.
  118. I don't believe in a heaven
  119. With most ruminations it inevitably never leads to a solution or satisfactory conclusion and the person appears to be deeply pre-occupied, very thoughtful, and detached.
  120. Intrusive Thoughts - Intrusive thoughts, in the spectrum of OCD, are where a person generally suffers with obsessional thoughts that are repetitive, disturbing and often horrific and repugnant in nature.  For example, thoughts of causing violent or sexual harm to loved ones.
  121. This cannot describe me any better! I used to think I was crazy!
  122. Because the intrusive thoughts are repetitive and not voluntarily produced, they cause the sufferer extreme distress - the very idea that they are capable of having such thoughts in the first place can be horrifying.  However, what we do know is that people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are the least likely people to actually act on the thoughts, partly because they find them so repugnant and go to great lengths to avoid them and prevent them happening.
  123. This is why I didn't kill myself or that trainee or dad. Because I knew it was disgusting.
  124. Intrusive thoughts can cover absolutely any subject, but the more common areas of OCD related concerns covers the following sub- categories:
  125. • Relationships. fear of never having one
  126. • Sexual Thoughts - Fear of: raping and cutting off peoples sexual organs
  127. • Magical Thinking - believing that: god can take ocd away from me and aliens will fix me with their improved technology
  128. • Religious - believing that: I'm not a very religious person but for a while I thought god could fix me and that chanting nom myoho renge kyo would help
  129. • Violent Thoughts - fear of: stabbing people in the throat, cutting off heads and having sex with them, cutting people up into pieces and flushing their limbs down the toilet, snapping someone's neck, cutting their throat and drinking their blood, etc.
  130. Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:
  131. • Constantly analysing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a microscope and finding fault.
  132. • Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.
  133. • Doubts that one's partner is being faithful.
  134. • Doubts that one may cheat on their partner.
  135. • Questioning one’s own sexuality, and having feelings, thoughts and impulses about being attracted to members of the same sex.
  136. Being in the air force, I was strangely attracted to other men's penises and I thought I was gay, but the idea of homosexuality is disgusting to me.
  137. The constant analysing and questioning of the relationship and partner often places immense strain on the relationship and the result is a person with OCD will often end the relationship to rid themselves of the doubt and anxiety, which is usually often repeated with any subsequent  relationship.
  138. I've never really been in a relationship, but I know with my friends I place strong pressure on them to be good and faithful friends, which has caused some of them to feel pushed away
  139. Sexual Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive thoughts of unintentionally causing inappropriate sexual harm (i.e. to children) unintentionally, or the constant questioning of one’s own sexuality are the main focuses for these obsessional doubts.   Obsessional thoughts can include:
  140. • Fearing being a paedophile and being sexually attracted to children.
  141. • Fearing being sexually attracted to members of one's own family.
  142. • Fearing being attracted to members of the same sex (homosexual OCD).
  143. • Thoughts about  touching a child inappropriately.
  144. • Intrusive sexual thoughts about God, saints or, religious figures.
  145. I have disgusting thoughts about touching children sexually, but I know it's wrong and I'll never do it. And I have a fear of seeing dad or Kristyn or Ashtyn naked and being sexually attracted to them because I know incest is wrong and filthy.
  146. The constant analysing and questioning of one’s own sexual preferences, or the thought of being attracted to a child, are perhaps two of the most mentally disturbing aspects of OCD and, because of the nature of the thoughts, many sufferers are reluctant to seek help from health professionals, fearing they may be labelled.
  147. I can't even tell you how accurate this is!
  148. A person that experiences these types of intrusive thoughts will avoid public places, like shopping centres, in an attempt to avoid coming into close contact with children.  They may also avoid spending time with younger members of the family. For a parent with this form of the illness they avoid bathing and hugging their own children which can lead to emotional distress for both children and parent.
  149. I can't go to day cares for this reason, and when I have to go, I try to stay as far away from them as possible. This the main reason why I refuse to teach anything below high school.
  150. I hope I'm not like that when I'm a parent.
  151. Magical Thinking Intrusive Thoughts - is the fear is that even thinking about something bad will make it more likely to happen - sometimes also called ‘thought-action fusion’.
  152. Sufferers are beset by intrusive bad thoughts. They try to dispel them by performing rituals - magic rituals, in effect - that are often bizarre and time-consuming and involve linking actions or events that could not possibly be related to each other.  For example having the thought 'I may strangle someone' is regarded as being as reprehensible as actually strangling a person.   Another example is believing that simply imagining a horrific car crash will increase the likelihood of such a crash taking place, or a person may feel that if they don’t count to ten ‘just right’ harm will come to a family member.  Other examples of magical thinking, or thought-action fusion intrusive thoughts include:
  153. • A certain colour or number has good or bad luck associated with it.
  154. • Certain days have good or bad luck associated with them.
  155. • A loved one’s death can be predicted.
  156. • One’s thoughts can cause disasters to occur.
  157. • Stepping on cracks in the pavement can make bad things happen.
  158. • Whatever comes to mind can come true.
  159. • Breaking chain letters will actually bring bad luck.
  160. • Attending a funeral will bring death.
  161. • One can inadvertently cause harm to others with thoughts or carelessness.
  162. • Hearing the word ‘death’ will mean repeating the word ‘life’ to prevent death.
  163. Oh my gosh! I could spend hours talking about this!
  164. red is a bad color, 13, 4, 6, 26, 39, 1, 0, 8, 5, 9, 27, and 23 are bad numbers, Mondays are bad, Friday the 13 is a horrible day, Sundays are bad, I feel like I can predict dad's death, 2-5 years because of his health. I feel like if I think about a hurricane strong enough, one will happen somewhere, I actually try to step on cracks because I have to touch corners of things, the whole whatever comes to mind thing will come true is very powerful for me, I feel like I'll have a heart attack or I'll die on Friday the 13th, and the last one with repeating words in my head, if I think of maggots or flies I have to think of clean water or something clean to cancel it out otherwise I'll feel like I've eaten them, so I spit to symbolize not eating a filthy insect.
  165. In each example listed above, the thoughts and events happening could not possibly ever be linked, but the person with OCD will believe that this possibility does exist, and as a result, this will cause them immense stress and anxiety.  As a result, their silent internal compulsive behaviours will take hours, and often prevent them interacting with anyone else during this time.
  166. I spend a lot of time alone in my room because of this, and my parents get mad and say I'm antisocial.
  167. Religious Intrusive Thoughts - OCD often fixates on areas of great importance and sensitivity and  religion and matters of religious practice are prime candidates for OCD obsessions.  Sometimes referred to as scrupulosity, religious intrusive thoughts include:
  168. • Sins committed will never be forgiven by God and one will go to hell.
  169. • One will have bad thoughts in a religious building.
  170. • One will scream blasphemous words loudly in a religious location.
  171. • Prayers have been omitted or recited incorrectly.
  172. • Certain prayers must be said over and over again.
  173. • Religious objects need to be touched or kissed repeatedly.
  174. • One is always doing something sinful.
  175. • Repetitive blasphemous thoughts.
  176. • That the person has lost touch with God or their beliefs in some way.
  177. • Intrusive sexual thoughts about God, saints or, religious figures.
  178. • That the person has broken religious laws concerning speech, or dress or modesty.
  179. • Intrusive bad thoughts that occur during prayer will contaminate and ruin or cancel out the value of these activities.
  180. This doesn't really pertain to me now, but when I was younger or when I actually had faith in something it did have an effect.
  181. The constant analysing and questioning of a person’s faith places immense strain on their beliefs and prevents the person  deriving peace from their religion.   As a result they will often avoid church and all religious practice out of fear of their thoughts.
  182. I really just don't go to church because I'm a logical person and I think religion is obsolete. Now when I was younger, I used to hate god for giving me this disease and I would hate going to church because I felt I was subjugating myself to him.
  183. Violent Intrusive Thoughts – obsessive fears of carrying out violent acts against loved ones or other people.  Intrusive thoughts include:
  184. • Violently harming children or loved ones.
  185. • Killing innocent people.
  186. • Using kitchen knives and other sharp objects (compulsion will include locking away knives and sharp objects).
  187. • Jumping in front of a train or fast moving bus.
  188. • Poisoning the food of loved ones (compulsion will include avoiding cooking for family).
  189. • Acting on unwanted impulses, e.g. running someone over, stabbing someone.
  190. • Thoughts about accidentally touching someone inappropriately, with the aim of hurting them.  
  191. I already told you about all this.
  192. Most sufferers with these types of fears often end up labelling themselves as a bad person, simply for having the thoughts.  They falsely believe that having the thoughts mean they are capable of acting upon them. The constant analysing and questioning of these disturbing aspects of OCD becomes incredibly upsetting and because of the nature of the thoughts many sufferers are reluctant to open up to health professionals to seek help, fearing they may be labelled.
  193. Damn, I wasn't planning on highlighting this much. Oh well.
  194. I used to feel like a bad person until I realized I couldn't help it, I would cry myself to sleep feeling worthless, like I was going to kill someone the very next day.
  195. A person with these types of intrusive thoughts will avoid public places like shopping centres and other places, where social interaction may be required, to avoid coming into close contact with people that may trigger the obsessive thoughts.
  196. And here everyone thought I was just antisocial.
  197. To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking . It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.
  198. I don't know, I was seriously ready to kill that guy and myself in the air force. I think that's the depression side of it.
  199. Symmetry and Orderliness - the need to have everything lined up symmetrically just ‘right’ is the compulsion, the obsessive fear might be to ensure everything feels ‘just right’ to prevent discomfort or sometimes to prevent harm occurring (see Magical Thinking).    Examples include:
  200. • Having everything neat and in its place at all times.
  201. • Having pictures hanging aligned and straight.
  202. • Having canned food items all facing the same way, usually forward.
  203. • Having clothes on the rail all hanging perfectly and facing the same way.
  204. • Having everything spotless, with no marks or smudges on windows and surfaces.
  205. • Having books lined up perfectly in a row on a bookshelf.
  206. Ok, I don't have to make everything perfectly straight or in order, I have to arrange it "just right" in a way that my mind allows me to do it. For example, my computer has to be relative to how I'm looking at it, and the tissue I have to have in my room has to be right next to my pillow at a certain angle, not necessarily straight and in order.
  208. My OCD is a lot worse when my hands are wet.
  209. Sufferers spend a lot of time trying to get the symmetry ‘just right’ and this time consuming checking can result in them being extremely late for work and appointments.  They may also become mentally and physically drained if the compulsions take a considerable amount of time. The sufferer may also avoid social contact at home to prevent the symmetry and order being disrupted which can have a negative impact on social interaction and relationships.
  210. This above list categorises the various common forms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and some of the fears associated with them.  However,  it is not an exhaustive list and there will always be forms of OCD that are not listed.  However, the following three components are generally present whatever the theme, avoidance, triggers and reassurance.
  211. Avoidance is a common compulsive behaviour, and this is where a person with OCD will go to great lengths to avoid the objects, places or person/people that that they feel triggers their OCD.  This will be their way of preventing the distress and anguish, and the hours of rituals they will be compelled to perform.
  212. This is where mom and dad get upset with me. I can't work in certain places and I can't do certain things. When I was a stocker in Piggly Wiggly It would take my entire shift to do one aisle. I would have to organize things to what my mind said was ok, come back and touch it again, and redo it later. Being around food in the workplace really triggers it because it can get on me and I'll feel dirty. Also I try to avoid dad because he is the main cause of my stress at home, and when it's just us two trying to spend time together I get uncontrollable shakes, headaches, back pain, trouble breathing and I don't talk much. It also bothers me to be in debt with my parents so much money and having them hound me to get a job in a place that will trigger my OCD and make it worse. Every day I wake up dreading the day because I'll have to spend so much time touching, thinking, hitting, and twitching that i won't have time to do anything else. I look at people doing every day things like walking, and I'm jealous of them. I wish I could take notes or hold a job or be able to spend time with my family without fear of being stigmatized for having to do rituals.
  213. This article hasn't even talked about hallucinations yet. If it doesn't I'll come back here and talk about that. Ok, unfortunately it didn't say anything about hallucinations, but in another article I read it said it's very rare and only happens in the most severe cases. Well, luckily for me I have bad hallucinations. Which are really fucking scary!!! Believe me when I say death sounds better that dealing with shit. They are almost all of very demonic things and I've only had about 3 that were actually pretty funny or welcome hallucinations. You know what I'm just gonna out them all in bullets instead of sitting here trying to write them all out
  214. • Severed heads in the Ingles Deli rotisserie machine. Happened 3 times
  215. • 10 foot demon with slicked back black hair and long menacing, claw like fingers, no face but a long, smile with sharp teeth and pressed in eyes, hunched over on the side of the road coming home from work one night. Seen once.
  216. • Black demonic claw-like hand with yellow spots on it reaching for soup that I was handing to a customer at Ingles. Happened once
  217. • So many shadowy figures over the past year that I can't even remember all of them. About 100 to date.
  218. • Man in red pants and blue shirt with hat on standing on the highway in oncoming traffic, disappeared after about 3 seconds. Happened coming home from school one day.
  219. • Driving home, a huge 18 wheeler came around the corner out of the trees. It was about 5 times as tall as any other 18 wheeler. Disappeared after about 1 second.
  220. • Bubbles coming out of this lady's head at ingles when asked what she wanted to eat. Lasted about 5 seconds.
  221. • My teachers lips turned a sky blue for 3 seconds, then the color faded to normal.
  222. • Woke up one night and saw a broken brick wall hovering in front of me. Disappeared after about a minute.
  223. • Woke up one morning to the sound of a man dying in the attic. I could see him in my mind in pain and I could feel him begging for death and for someone to help him, but I was too scared to go up there.
  224. • All those voices in the Air Force and that one time prior telling me to do horrible things. You've already read that email.
  225. • About a week ago I woke up in the middle of the night and got out of my bed. I could see hear and feel about 6-10 shadowy figures slowly coming towards me trying to grab me but they were too slow. They were moaning and crying and wanted to take me over completely. I ran out of my room and looked back and they were gone. I had to force myself to go back in there and try to get some sleep.
  226. • I saw a glowing red eye on my floor about a week ago.
  227. • I heard a woman crying out my name quite a few times. dad said it might be grandma trying to talk to me but I highly doubt it.
  228. • The same woman and two different men have whispered things to me that I didn't understand. This has happened quite a lot
  229. • Apparently in the air force I woke my flight up because I screamed in the middle of the night. The trainee next to me said he looked over and I was sitting up in my bed mumbling something to myself but he didn't understand what I was saying. I told him he was crazy and that I wouldn't do something like that. Come to find out, I've had night terrors before I just didn't know about them.
  230. • I heard and saw this shadowy figure with a big head scream at me very loud then he muttered something and disappeared.
  231. • I heard this guy laughing right beside me one night.
  232. • Last night I was laying in bed then I heard this voice circle around my head and he would go, POW POW POW! All around me, then, I could see into my own head, and it was hollow with two green lights on the side of it, while he was still saying pow pow pow. The only way I was able to stop this was to get up, snap my fingers and clap to think about something else.
  234. Examples include those with checking compulsions that may avoid tasks or situations that will increase their sense of responsibility and/or might be unsafe.  A person who had the obsessional thought that they might stab their children went to great lengths to avoid contact with knives, scissors, and other sharp objects.  A person, who feared that they might catch AIDS/HIV, totally avoided certain areas of London which was, in their mind, associated with AIDS/HIV.  In some cases, certain 'unsafe' numbers, letters, or colours are avoided because the person feels that such avoidance is necessary in order to avert some disaster, usually to a loved one.
  235. I try to avoid flies the number 13 and multiples of it. Also numbers like 8 and 5 which add upp to 13. I can't start or finish anything if the numbers on the clock add up to 13. For example, If my clock reads 6:25, I have to wait one minute before I can get out. I have been late to many things because of this. Or if my computer clock reads like that when I turn it on, I have to turn it off, wait one minute and turn it back on. The same rule applies to everything I do concerning time. That's why that email I sent to you the other day, I accidentally sent it at 9:13, so I had to delete it, and forward it to you at 9:14. I can't tell you how many times I've been fussed at for having to comply by this rule, by friends and family alike. I don't ever wear red shirts because I feel like red is an unlucky color. Burgundy is ok, but true red, like blood red is not ok in any circumstance. I have a nice bathrobe that I can't wear because it's red. I have trouble riding in dads mustang because it's red. And everytime I get a nosebleed it really screws me up because blood is red, so I have to immidiately clean up any drops of blood that may have spilt.
  236. More on the number 13 that I obsess about
  237. • I can't enter a house or apartment room where the address numbers add up to 13 for example 4045.
  238. • I can't enter a movie theatre that the number theatre is 13, like I'll actually go back get a refund and watch another movie, and yes my friends get really pissed off about that.
  239. • If I pass a mailbox while driving and it adds up to 13, I have to look at another mailbox that doesn't add up to 13.
  240. • If I take a test, I always answer number 13 very fast to try to get past it or skip it entirely.
  241. • If I write a sentence that has 13 words in it, I'll make the sentence a little bit shorter or a little bit longer.
  242. • I refuse to use any 13 letter word.
  243. • I hate the letter M because it's the 13th letter of the English alphabet.
  244. • It used to be so bad that I would count the words in peoples sentences and if it added up to 13, I would try to make them talk about something else or ask them a yes or no answer because that's only one word.
  245. • I'm very happy that I have 18 letters in my name and not 13, otherwise I would legally change my name.
  246. • When I brush my teeth, I have to brush each side at least 15 times, there's the 15+ rule again.
  247. Trigger - Although not technically a type of OCD, a trigger is a place, person or object that sets off an obsession, a feeling of discomfort, or indeed a compulsive urge.
  248. My touching triggers are everytime I touch something accidentally, like a pole or a rock on the sidewalk, I have to look at it while twitching my eyes and neck around it, also while repeatedly touching the object at least 7 times but not 13 times. And if I forget how many times I've touched the object, I have to touch it at least 15 times to make sure it wasn't touched 13 times. This process takes up so much time.
  249. Also, if I feel the need to touch something, I try to not touch it, but it's like my whole body is begging me to touch the object, and if I walk away I feel a burn that gets stronger and stronger, but if I do touch it, I have to go around the object and do the whole 15+ rule which is just as bad. So basically it's a dammed if I do, dammed if I don't situation.
  251. I can't even walk without having to go back and touch it with my feet, I can't tell you how many shoes I've ruined because I've had to drag them on the floor and it scuffs them up. It's hard for me to get up after I've sat down somewhere, I have to drag my body against the chair and twitch and do my hand circles before I can get up.
  253. People have asked me if OCD hurts and yes it does. Whenever I have to twitch or move my hand and arms and neck all the time, I can get sprains and bruises. Like if I reach my arm slowly around my back in a circular motion, it can sprain really bad, or if I have to touch something with my head, I have to bang it against the object I touched. And when I'm walking, sometimes I have to walk on the side of my feet, which after a while will bruise them.
  256. Another weird rule I have to follow is I have to go back the way I came, and that's with anything. If I walk through a door, I have to walk through that same door on the way out. Same goes with sides of poles and arrows on the ground and areas of grass I walked in previously. I try to avoid places I know where you can't exit through the entrance.
  261. This next rule is very difficult to put into words, but I'll do my best.
  265. Ok, whenever I see something with corners, or a dot, or have to touch something with my hand or foot, I have to draw a track that I'll follow with my mind. It's a very complex track that changes based on what I'm looking at or what I've touched. I'll try to show you a diagram.
  275. Ok so as you see, I have to start at one corner of the object and quickly move my eyes around it in a designated path until I'm satisfied with the path I've made for my mind. I do this all the while twitching around the object. You can see where this could get very frustrating especially having to do it multiple times and changing the path to suit my minds needs to make it "just right".
  277. This process also hurts my eyes a lot because sometimes I roll them back into my head and I can't blink until I complete this process so sometimes my eyes water and my vision gets blurry.
  279. This rule is very complex and very hard to describe but I hope you understand the gist of it.
  281. A trigger may be a physical object or an internal mental thought.  For example, a person had the obsessional thought about stabbing someone every time they saw a knife or any other sharp object, so seeing the knife was the trigger that provoked the obsessions and compulsions.  In order to to avoid hours of anguish this person would avoid knifes at all costs. An example of an internal mental trigger is where a person experienced distressing obsessions about death every time they thought about their deceased father. The memory of the father was the internal trigger for the obsessional thoughts.
  282. I have a strange obsession with knives, I gently cut myself with them and imagine killing people with them when I'm under stress, and I also have to touch the handles especially right.
  283. What generally happens is a person with OCD will find their obsessions and compulsions so frightening, scary and mentally and physically draining, that they will go to great lengths to avoid triggers that instigate hours of obsessions and compulsions.
  284. It is also very, very exhausting.
  286. There are always a million thoughts running through my head at all times, and I never get a break, not even in my dreams.
  288. It feels almost as if my head has ample electricity running through it at all times.
  291. It's also very hard for me to put things into other things. Like flash drives into their ports, or keys into an ignition.
  295. There are several terms and acronyms used within the OCD community and amongst health professionals which often lead to confusion.  One such term is the word ‘ritual’ which some people, even health professionals, confuse and refer to as a ‘compulsion’.  Whilst it is true that a ritual is a compulsive behaviour (physical or mental), it is not just a specific compulsive behaviour, it is more a set pattern of behaviours with a clear defined starting point and end point to complete it. For example ‘rub left side of face first, and then right side of face, then forehead’. In many cases if the sufferer is interrupted during the ritual then their OCD will dictate they must start the ritual again from the very beginning.
  296. The rituals I do are very time consuming and extremely difficult to successfully accomplish without having to do it again. At night before I go to bed I have to touch the doorknob 15 times over and over, run my hand on every side of the door just right, close the door, touch the wall next to the door with my right foot, then the door. drag my foot across to the middle of the room, kick a shirt just right that's on the floor, get to my fan, run the chain in between my middle and index finger 7 times, change the fan speed to the second highest setting, touch that chain the same way 7 times, turn off the light and literally jump into my bed. Usually I have to repeat this process about 3 times because it's a very strict ritual I absolutely have to follow to the "t" or I can't sleep. And It's even worse when I'm especially exhausted.
  297. Acronyms - HOCD, POCD, ROCD: Some sufferers use acronyms to refer to their type of OCD.  It is worth noting that these acronyms have no official medical meaning and have often been confused to mean different things to different people, for example, ROCD can be religious OCD or relationship OCD and POCD could be postpartum OCD or paedophile OCD, depending who you ask.
  298. This confusion leads to delays in treatment where a person will seek specialists in POCD but are unable to find any, as POCD is not a medically recognised term. It is also possible that thinking of the illness to be something other than Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) may also hinder progress in understanding and tackling the illness, especially if the OCD later changes guise chameleon-like.
  299. For informational purposes the acronyms are commonly understood to refer to:
  300. • HOCD – Homosexual OCD
  301. • POCD – Paedophile OCD (but also widely used to describe prenatal and postpartum OCD)
  302. • ROCD – Relationship OCD
  303. Because of the high risk of confusion, OCD-UK generally discourages the use of these acronyms. Regardless of the form of OCD, it will involve both obsessions and compulsions which are the problems that need addressing, and they are all equally as treatable through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
  304. The term ‘spike’, is also incorrectly and confusingly used by the OCD community, mainly across OCD message boards on the internet.
  305. There seems to be two main uses of the term.  The first is when it is used to describe the initial obsessional trigger, which then causes the anxiety and distress.  So for example, someone afraid of harming a loved one will use the term ‘spike’ to refer to the knife they see which then triggers their obsessions and compulsions.
  306. Another use for the term ‘spike’ in an OCD context is when it is used to describe the increase in anxiety caused by the obsessional thoughts.  So in the example above, the person afraid of harming a loved one will see the knife, which causes their obsessive thoughts to increase (spike) their anxiety.
  307. At present there is no official definitive explanation as to what the term ‘spike’ actually means, but the general consensus is that the term ‘spike’ is used to describe the combination of the OCD trigger, obsession, and distress caused by the anxiety.
  308. For this reason, and to avoid any confusion, we generally believe the term ‘spike’ is perhaps a term to refrain from using.  Rather it would be better to explain in detail your specific concern or problem, to ensure there is no loss of meaning or context.  This is especially important in the patient-therapist relationship.
  309.  This article didn't mention depression, nervous ticks, or hallucinations. But they all are related to OCD in a number of ways.
  311. Tics
  316. I have nervous tics and my neurologist said he's pretty sure I have a mild form of tourettes also.
  317. From what I've researched tics are caused by a magnesium deficiency in the brain and you can take pills for it.
  318. My tics are very painful because they're constant In certain areas. I have them really bad in my neck, face and shoulders.
  319. Tics are involuntary twitches or quick movements of those areas afflicted.
  320. Sometimes when I'm really stressed or have nightmares I wake up and the bottom front of my neck is really sore because I've twitched in my sleep.
  321. It's very embarrassing to be caught twitching. I hate it when people ask me why I'm twitching.
  322. I wanted to grow my hair out long so people wouldn't notice me twitching as much, my hair would be able to cover it. The downside of this is that hair is dirty and harder to keep clean the longer it is, so I have to keep my hair short and deal with people asking.
  325. Did I mention anxiety yet? No? Damn.
  327. Here are all my symptoms I get on a daily basis
  328. • headaches
  329. • trouble breathing
  330. • hot flashes
  331. • rapid heartbeat
  332. • chest pain
  333. • back pain
  334. • body spasms
  335. • joint pain
  336. • bugs crawling on me sensation
  337. • burning feeling.
  338. All of these get more severe the more stressed out I am.
  342. I'm pretty sure I've covered depression and what it did to me in the air force. Basically all I want is pain and to be alone. I locked myself in a bay locker for six hours contemplating suicide and fighting the voices before I was forced out to help clean the dayroom.
  345. Ok, guys that's pretty much it. The other day dad wanted me to write down everything I can and can't do on a single sheet of paper. He didn't realize how insulting that was to me. I get stigmatized a lot because you can't tell I have anything wrong with me just by looking, but it's like looking at an iceberg. Now hopefully you understand that all these are things that I can't control, and I wake up every morning wanting to die because I know I'll have to follow all of these ridiculous rules otherwise all hell would break loose.
  347. I found it very insulting that dad told me to write down everything I can and can't do. I hope after reading this, you realized just how insulting that was for me. I knew you would've used that against me after I was done. For example, you would've looked at it and said, Oh Ryan you didn't write that down so you can do it, you're just lazy. First of all, this disease is constantly changing and evolving due to where I am, how stressed I am, and what's currently going on in my life. Second, 6 months from now I might be doing things I can't even imagine! Just last week I could pick up a phone and talk on it. Now, I have to pick it up with a paper towel and dial the numbers through the paper towel germ shield. So do not EVER do that again. I've never insulted you, so don't you ever insult me like that again. Or I will blow up in your face.
  349. Also number 4 is a bad number, so I can't use handset 4. If I touch handset 4, I have to touch handset 2 to cancel it out.
  352. Well, thank you for reading! The fact that you read the entire thing proves that you care and truly do want to understand me! I hope you could kind of understand what I had to go through in the air force and how it triggered all of this anxiety. I hope I didn't offend anyone, just know that these are the things that I feel and the way this disease makes me think. And yes it is a disease, unfortunately. But hopefully I can cure it with medication and psychotherapy over time.
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