The Pizza Murders

I’m a terrible employee. I do my job just fine, but I always feel deep resentment for my bosses, or slave drivers, whether or not it’s truly deserved. All attempts at office morale fail to penetrate my cynical force field, which I’ll admit is partially my fault for being such punk about it. Even though I know that I should appreciate pizza days at work, I always end up feeling resentful by the end of the day, because all I can think about is all of the days we don’t get a pizza party at work. If my boss provided me with pizza on a daily basis, I wouldn’t steal stuff from work…that much. It’s a proven fact that a lack of free pizza breeds contempt. Have you ever helped someone move and then not been treated to pizza? There have been murders resulting from such scenarios, murders which my lawyer advises I make no comments on because the trials are still active and my alibis are shoddy at best.