Apr 1st, 2019
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  1. >>33679739
  2. >cutely lewd moonhoers
  3. [spoiler]My secret shame.[/spoiler]
  5. >You are Anon.
  6. >It's been a wild couple of months since you popped into Equestria.
  7. >Some bacon-haired cunt shoved you against a statue on the school grounds of Canterlot High, and you somehow fell through a portal instead of slamming your back against hard concrete.
  8. >Maybe it had something to do with how you managed to snag a nice-looking amulet from around her neck right before your back (would have) hit the courtyard decoration.
  9. >The only reason you believe this is because of the look on bacon-hair's face once she realized what you'd done.
  10. >The look of horror and disbelief on her face will never leave you.
  11. >But, then again, you guess this is what happens when you sneak onto the school grounds of a high school when you're somewhere in your 20s.
  12. >Apparently, you're not allowed to talk to your old teachers now-adays and give them updates as to how their former students are doing.
  13. >Anyway, the amulet shattered, and you just sorta started pretending that none of that ever happened in case you get into trouble.
  14. >Your story is that you just randomly appeared in Equestria one day, and you're sticking to it.
  15. >Anyway, Equestria.
  16. >You're sorta... an item with Luna.
  17. >Sorry.
  18. >PRINCESS Luna.
  19. >[spoiler]But you're only allowed to call her that when you're alone and when you're wearing significantly fewer clothing.[/spoiler]
  20. >[spoiler]Or, if she's wearing significantly MORE clothing.[/spoiler]
  21. >[spoiler]Pony standards for l-lewdness are weird.[/spoiler]
  22. >It started out as an "I'll lick your clit if you don't tell anyone I popped out of this mirror you've got in your basement" deal, but ended up turning into an "I really like it when we cuddle and watch horse-movies on the horse-projector, even when the evenings don't end with sex".
  23. >You think you might be her for-real boyfriend?
  24. >Luna's niece, Princess Cadence, is tickled pink by this rather backwards relationship
  25. >She kept muttering about Neighponese animus and mangoes and a bunch of hens being tied up, or something like that.
  26. >Ponies sure are weird.
  27. >ANYWAY.
  29. >Back to the main branch of the story, way back before you started talking about sneaking into high schools and committing bestiality.
  30. > of those is not intrinsically related to the other.
  31. >You didn't fuck the school mascot, or anything.
  32. >[spoiler]Uncle Nemo was right: it really is BEST-iality.[/spoiler]
  33. >[spoiler]Then again, the horses HE fucked weren't sapient, so there's a good deal of wiggle room in his wisdom.[/spoiler]
  34. >You are now visiting Canterlot Castle along with your marefriend, Luna.
  35. >The halls of the castle are enormous.
  36. >Bright white tiles line the walls, and marble pillars stretch up towards an arched ceiling like fingers.
  37. >The portraits you pass depict different time periods of Equestria, and it shows not only in the depictions; but also in the quality of the art itself.
  38. >Starting from the enormous double-door you just entered, the history of Equestria is depicted chronologically all the way towards the end of the hall.
  39. >It starts with crude and cracked pictures done with mineral paint, yanked straight from the ground by either earth pony strength or unicorn magic, and scraped onto strips of smooth wood.
  40. >These pictures depict the days post-unification, and are typically about suspicion between the races.
  41. >Ponies interacting peacefully, for certain, but none of them mingling.
  42. >A few portraits down are much more detailed and subtle.
  43. >Gone are the mineral paints, replaced here by oil paint.
  44. >They're all drawn on the Equestrian equivalent of poplar wood, and they're all beautiful.
  45. >They're less literal, as well, and typically depict Celestia and Luna as goddess-like figures, cloaked in their respective times of day.
  46. >Celestia is covered in the clouds bathed in the oranges and pinks of sunrise, while Luna is peeking playfully out of dark night-time clouds and is lit from behind by the setting sun.
  47. >[spoiler]You are APA, and you wish you had learned to draw years ago so that you could try and actually draw that. Because that sounds rad as fuck.[/spoiler]
  48. >The ponies are now freely mingling, but the leaders of each faction still exist, and all three are staying away from each other.
  49. >It's clear that the pony races are much more open and friendly with each other, but the presence of racial leaders implies that they are still not truly unified under a single banner as "pony", as they are today.
  50. >All in all, these portraits remind you of the Renaissance era of paintings.
  51. >Finally, as you reach the doors at the end of the hall, you come across modern portraits.
  52. >Since the invention of the horse-camera, the art in Equestria has become less literal so that artists can capture emotions and concepts in a way that a camera cannot.
  53. >...
  54. > aren't sure they really succeeded.
  55. >You are looking at a drawing of Luna and...
  56. " that Picasso?"
  57. >Why is Luna's face in her stomach?
  58. "So, why didn't we visit the monarch of the Crystal Empire earlier, little moon?"
  59. >Luna's ears flatten against her skull, and she takes a half-step towards you.
  60. >"Fair Anonymous, thou must understand... our niece; she enjoys playing tricks on us."
  61. >You can't help but bark out a laugh before clamping your hand over your mouth, mindful of the unimpressed glare sent your way.
  62. "S-Sorry, Luna," you giggle, "But how could Cadence play a trick on you? You've been a live for slightly longer than her entire empire has existed. Surely you've seen every trick in the book."
  63. >Luna, to your delight, does that frustrated horsey dance that all ponies seem to instinctively know.
  64. >She stamps all four of her widdle hoofsies in-place and teeters left and right.
  65. >" 'Tis not the olden tricks we speaketh of, mine love!" she groans, " 'Tis modern trickery and sorcery! Magicks most foul! Devices and pastries most-"
  66. >Fucking excuse you?
  67. "Did you just say, 'pastries'?"
  68. >Your shoulders quake as you try to hold back your laughter.
  69. >Is this filly seriously being tricked... by pastries?
  70. "How is Cadence playing tricks on you by pastries?"
  71. >What does that even MEAN?!
  72. >Luna just shakes her head so hard that her crown nearly flies off.
  73. >"Thou has not spoken to this silver-tongued devil, Anonymous," says Luna, looking downcast, "All things that fall under her domain of 'love' is subject to her magical charms."
  74. >She peers up at you with those sad, cyan eyes.
  75. >The same eyes that are the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning.
  76. >The same eyes you lose yourself in every time you make eye-contact with Luna.
  77. >The same eyes you fell in love with.
  78. >You hate seeing Luna sad.
  79. >"Even baked good, if they are made with love."
  80. >No wonder Chrysalis wanted to kidnap Cadence.
  81. >You're not sure if your little moon is exaggerating, but you scritch Luna behind the ears anyway to make her happy.
  82. >You'll be the judge once you meet Cadence later today.
  83. ---
  84. >You are Anon, and it is now later today.
  85. >All sorts of magical and hilarious shenanigans happened between now and that time you were exploring the art-hall with Luna, but you don't particularly feel like thinking about them right now.
  86. >Especially not that thing you did to Celestia involving a whoopie-cushion, three pounds of cake frosting, and a novelty dragon dildo the size of your forearm.
  87. >Boy, you'll never forget that one.
  88. >Celestia won't be able to look you in the eye for WEEKS.
  89. >Anyway.
  90. >So here you are, having a delightful lunch with the monarchs.
  91. >Celestia is silent and cannot look in your direction, and her lunch has notably fewer pastries than it normally does.
  92. >Which is to say, Celestia now has something on her plate other than pastries.
  93. >There's a delicious-looking salad (and this is coming from an Anon who can't stand salad) and what appears to be deviled eggs.
  94. >Neat.
  95. >You have a cut of meat imported from Griffonstone, cut by the sharpest claws of the most keen and silent hunters.
  96. >It tastes like nothing you've ever eaten before, and you're nearly brought to tears.
  97. >Cadence - who is a delightful mare once you get past the rather creepy stare - is chatting happily with her husband, Shining Armour.
  98. >Well, which is to say that Shining is talking about his figurines and the recent O&O games he played with the colts down in the Royal Guard, and Cadence is nodding politely as she ignores everything he says.
  99. >You thought it was rude at first, but after trying to keep up with talk about dinos and orcs for twenty minutes, your eyes became glassy and you stopped really listening.
  100. >Cadence has your deepest sympathies.
  101. >Now, Luna's plate is different.
  102. >In fact, it's bare.
  103. >She's sitting next to you, having pressed her entire body against your side, and one of her wings is wrapped tightly around your shoulder.
  104. >Whether it's a marely gesture meant to show that you are under her protection, or if you're meant to be a security blanket or teddy bear is up for debate.
  105. >Now, moving celestia objects is hard.
  106. >It takes a lot of energy to move the moon, and Luna needs to eat up lest she turn to skin and bones.
  107. >Celestia might use the massive energy output required to move the sun as an excuse to be a fat little piggy (and you mean that endearingly), but Luna has trouble getting in enough calories.
  108. >She's actually a bit thin for an alicorn.
  109. "Luna? Honey?"
  110. >"Hmmm?" asks Luna, turning her head away from her plate and peering up at you with curious eyes, "What dost thou require, mine love?"
  112. >You point to a plate stacked high with doughnuts of all sorts; many you recognize from Earth, and others that humans never thought of and that are native to Equestria.
  113. "You have to eat if you want the strength to raise the moon tonight."
  114. >Luna's expression immediately sours and she turns away so quickly that she nearly drags you along with her with her wing, which has not yet left your shoulder.
  115. >"Devilry," she snarls, "These pastries from the frozen wastes of the North are not to be trusted."
  116. >She jabs a hoof out towards the pile dramatically, which loses some of its effect given that she's pointing accusingly at a stack of doughnuts.
  117. >"The Prench once more show their dastardly colours: these pastries are filled not with crème pâtissière, but with ill-will and bad omens."
  118. >Cadence tilts her head in confusion.
  119. >>"It's just a doughnut, auntie. It was made fresh this morning by our finest chefs in the Empire.
  120. >Luna does not let down; if anything, she grows angrier.
  121. >"The chill death of the North reflects in these delights, and I feel naught but a cold deep in mine bones when I gaze upon them. Will mine teeth first rot from the sugar, or shatter from the piercing, glacial chill from whence they came?"
  122. >Luna growls and her hackles raise, and the glare she sends Cadence could have thawed out the entire frozen north.
  123. >"I wonder, dear niece, what tricks thou shalt playeth with me today. Ice in the icing? A pox on mine health? Yeast, sinisterly grown in the hardened and lifeless permafrost with wicked instructions whispered in their tiny ears? A spell weaved in icing to make us speak the devil-tongue of these sugary perils?"
  124. >Cadence looks just as lost as you feel.
  125. >She looks around to each occupant of the room with her eyes, not daring to move her body while her crazy aunt has her locked in her sights.
  126. >No help arises.
  127. >Luna slams her hooves onto the table, making the 3-inch thick ancient wood crack.
  128. >"We shall not spend a single moment speaking Prench!" she shouts, far louder than the situation called for, "The bastard-tongue of cowards and pastry chefs! Foul magics, begone!"
  129. >It's at this point you realize that Celestia wasn't joking when she told you that her sister was a little bit unhinged.
  130. >You had laughed when she told you, but she didn't laugh along with you.
  131. >Now, as Luna flails her forelegs around, you finally realize what you're getting into.
  132. "Oh my god, Luna!"
  133. >You wrap your arms around the flailing monarch and get headbutted in the nose as thanks.
  135. >You reel back and clutch your nose, hoping to god it's not broken.
  136. >Maybe wrestling with a panicking 200-pound horse was not the best choice you've ever made.
  137. >>"Anon!" came a voice, sounding like Celestia
  138. >"Fair Anonymous!" shouts your lover
  139. >Warm forelegs wrap around you, and you're pulled into a warm embrace.
  140. >One moment you're poking your face to make sure you didn't break anything, and the other you're being smothered in a warm, familiar chest tuft.
  141. >No wonder Twilight can't look Luna in the eyes.
  142. >That poor bitch has the equivalent of a four-inch dick poking out of her chest.
  143. >"Oh, unhappy day! We have stuck down our own lover!"
  144. "Luna."
  145. >"To sleep; perchance, to dream? Oh, what dreams may come..."
  146. "Lulu."
  147. >"The heavens themselves will blaze forth upon thy burial, Fair Anonymous!"
  148. "C'mon, now.'
  149. >"Mine heart-of-hearts was just a walking shadow, his tale heard no more."
  150. >Maybe you should have given Celestia's warning a bit more seriously.
  151. >Maybe you shouldn't have just laughed in her face when she spoke to you about Luna.
  152. >Like, this isn't an act she's putting on right now.
  153. >Luna's just weird like this.
  154. >Eager to put a stop to these Shakespearean quotes, you wriggle around until you can get your arms between yourself and Luna, and then gently push her away.
  155. >"Death, like these pastries, lies upon Anon like an untimely frosOOH"
  156. "Luna!" you shout, holding the princess at arm's length, "I'm fine!"
  157. >You glance down at Luna's chest, right where your face was smothered; there's a tiny blood stain.
  158. "I barely even have a nosebleed."
  159. >You are Anon, and you are thoroughly fed up.
  160. >You're just trying to get your princess to eat so that she doesn't faint - AGAIN - when she tries to raise the moon.
  161. >And now your face hurts and your lunch has been knocked onto the floor with the very wing that had been holding you close just minutes ago.
  162. "Eat the fucking doughnut, Luna," you growl, "Or I swear to god."
  163. >You'll be a shitty sitcom wife if you have to.
  164. >You're in a position to make Luna sleep on the couch, dammit, and you'll make her do it if you have to!
  165. "This is so stupid."
  166. >Luna glances down at the doughnut on her plate and nervously flits her eyes between you, it, and Cadence.
  167. >"To make amends to our lover, we shall devour this pastry."
  168. >She briefly glares at her niece.
  169. >"No trickery, now."
  170. >Cadence raises her hooves in a placating gesture.
  171. >>"None whatsoever, auntie."
  172. >Luna 'ha-rumphs', clearly not put at ease by Cadence's promise.
  173. >"Very well."
  174. >What happens next is something you'll never forget.
  175. >Luna, apparently wary of anything in the pastry that might react to her magic, dips her head down and tries to pick the doughnut up with her mouth.
  176. >The icing is slick, and her teeth slide off when she tries to bite into the ring.
  177. >With a growl sounding like an unhappy kitten, Luna dips her head back in for another go.
  178. >This time, her muzzle (lubricated by the icing) slides cleanly directly into the middle of the ring-shaped treat.
  179. >"Mmmph!"
  180. >Luna's head whips back up so quickly that she nearly topples over backwards.
  181. >You've learned from your past mistakes, and you jerk away from her so that you're no longer in flailing-range of her hooves.
  182. >"Omng! Mnngrg!"
  183. >It's like watching a cat get a sticky note stuck to its face.
  184. >Luna's tongue is flailing around as she tries to do... something with that doughnut.
  185. >Maybe she thinks she can lick it away.
  186. >Maybe she just wants to eat it and get this over with.
  187. >Maybe she's just panicking.
  188. "Oh, god."
  189. >Luna starts whipping her head back and forth, pawing at the treat with both hooves.
  190. >In her panic, they slide off of the slick doughnut time and time again.
  191. >But after a couple more tries, they make their mark and she LAUNCHES the doughnut off of her face.
  192. >...and guess who was sitting directly across from her?
  193. >That's right: Shining Armour.
  194. >That fucker gets nailed RIGHT in the eye by the doughnut.
  195. >The shock of the impact sends him falling backwards, much to the surprise and concern of his horse-wife.
  196. ---
  197. >You are Anon, and it's about five minutes later.
  198. >Everyone's calmed down, now.
  199. >Shining is fine, and the bruise will go away in a few days.
  200. >Luna has been coerced from her perch upon the rafters of the ceiling, and she's no longer trying to blast away the pastries with her magic.
  201. >Cadence has been spoken to and is no longer hell-bent on challenging Luna to a duel over her husband's injury.
  202. >Celestia has FINALLY let you go from her protective embrace, now that Luna has calmed down.
  203. >[spoiler]"You are fast on-track to becoming my brother-in-law, Anonymous. I'll protect you, even if it's from my own sister."[/spoiler]
  204. >[spoiler]Celestia is really a sweet pony.[/spoiler]
  205. >It's fine.
  206. >Everything's just fine.
  207. >Your nose doesn't even hurt anymore.
  208. >As Shining recovers from the doughnut to the eye, Luna busies herself cleaning her face like a cat; licking a hoof and rubbing it against her face.
  209. >" "Tis as we suspected, mine love," she tells you, sounding calm and very sure of herself, " 'Twas nothing but deceit and falsehood. Trickery of the highest order."
  210. >You just stare at her, mesmerized at the sight of her face covered in white, which she calmly licks off.
  211. "L-Lewd..."
  212. >Luna peers at you for a second.
  213. >Then, she smirks and winks.
  214. >She scraped a bit more of the white icing off of her face and, without breaking eye-contact, slowly licks it off her hoof.
  215. >FUCK.
  216. >"Tasty," she admits quietly, "But we think we enjoy thy icing much better, Fair Anonymous. Perhaps, after luncheon, you can give us some?"
  217. >Oh, man.
  218. >You shuffle around in your seat, painfully aware of the half-chub you're sporting.
  219. "S-Sure."
  220. >Now with a small smile on her face, Luna continues to clean her face.
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