This is just a bunch of thoughts that I need to get out of my head and throw into the digital void of the internet.

It's kind of nice to see my family. They're all nice people so it's nice to see/talk to them every now and then. But every time it eventually leads to this sort of realization that everyone else in my family is a proper adult. They've done things, accomplished stuff, are generally happy, well-adjusted, generally healthy, all that sort of stuff. And then there's me. I'm an unmotivated useless degenerate and an all-around failure of a person. I mean, I have those sorts of thoughts on a near-daily basis anyway it's just seeing my family amplifies it by about a thousand. It's not like there's much I can do about it at this point. It feels like I've waited to long and it's all just garbage now.

I finished reading In The Miso Soup by Ryu Kurakami today. I almost finished it last night but I passed out when I had like 20 pages left. It's a fantastic book and made me realize I really like it when books/stories/etc end with not proper resolution. When a story just sort of ends it's kind of nice. Up next is Out by Natsuo Kirino.

A while ago I saw a thing of a quote of someone I've never heard of saying something along the lines of they lived life not wondering if they would kill themselves but when and ever since I first heard that I realized that that's kind of been me this whole time. Not if, but when.

I've started writing again. So far the only thing I've actually finished is a Mass Effect fanfic because I'm a fukin nerd. I've got a few ideas (both fanfic and not fanfic) either bouncing around or half-written so hopefully I'll get around to finishing those. If you hate yourself and like reading bad things I posted the ME thing on ao3 http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lastly

My birthday was a little while ago and for the most part people did what I wanted and did say/do/give anything but my sister insisted on being my sister and gave me a bottle of vodka. I don't drink cause it only leads to bad shit for me so I should've poured it out but it's been sitting in the kitchen and I keep thinking about it and I shouldn't but maybe I should, y'know?

There's a group of friends I've been hanging out with/talking to for nearly a decade now but I've been realizing that most of them I don't really actually like but for some reason I can't bring myself to stop talking to them. It's not even like "well they're ok people I juts don't like them", they're bad people and also i don't like them so it's not like I have a good reason for still hanging out with them. It probably comes down to how I don't have many friends and am very slow to make new friends so I feel bad for voluntarily no longer being friends with them. Friends are hard how does I friendship.

Video games are bad. I've barely played anything recently and none of it has been super enjoyable.

I've got the biggest crush on someone and I know it they don't feel the same way and that they never would and it feels really terrible. On one hand talking to them is great and fun but then also depressing and terrible. Feelings are hard.

There's a big thing that I really want to get off my chest but it's a big scary thing to talk about. I feel like people might be able to guess what it is but when I think about it probably not actually. I feel like it almost doesn't matter thought cause even if I tell people about it it's not like I could do anything about it. This would make any sense at all if I wasn't being vague about it but oh well.

I think I'm out of thoughts to have. I'm going to try and write. Or maybe just sleep.