265 days hrt

265 days on hormones

i dislike my hairline.
i sometimes wonder about different hairstyles or ways of feeling less self conscious about it.

the shape of my face bothers me sometimes.
from certain angles, in certain lighting.
i feel awkward sometimes due to this.

othertimes i'm really cute.

i dislike my facial hair and am getting it removed.
7 sessions of laser and now 2 sessions of electrolysis.
more electrolysis to come.

i dislike my body hair too.
if i had unlimited money i'd probably have electrolysis all over my body and remove all of it.

i feel like i've lost my voice along the way.
at first i was experimenting with my voice and i'm very critical of it.
i rewatch videos of myself and critique myself on how i sound.
it's a bit neurotic.
this is something i am struggling with.

i like the changes to my body.
my breasts are small.
i'm okay with that.

i like my name. Narcissa.
i'm legally changing it soon.

my sex drive is definitely mellower than before.
masturbation happens less often.

i crave physical intimacy though.
i get butterflies in my stomach thinking about cuddling.
i feel like i crave oxytocin.
it's not even a sex drive, it's like a cuddle drive.
i crave it a lot.
i've been alone though.

i've gotten no surgery and have no plans at the moment.
i wouldn't be surprised if i would eventually be interested in maybe facial feminization surgery or an orchidectomy.
but i'm really not sure and it's expensive anyway i think.
so, no plans right now.

i feel like due to my appearance and having gone through a full male puberty,
waiting til i was 26 to begin hrt,
that i won't be able to present fem enough sometimes without looking somehow bad or off.
i think about aesthetics a lot.
and how to present myself.

i guess i want to reach some sort of andro/fem look that i can feel good about...
and when i speak, to sound confident.
so i can be in my comfort zone.

i guess even though there's stuff i'm struggling with, i'm doing alright.
first half of this year was rough for me though.
just people's attitude towards me felt really bad.
things are pretty good now though.