"I'd Be So Cold Without You" | Monika

I stormed out of my room, just about ready to kick whoever was at the door in the face. It was midnight! What the hell did they want from me?

I grumbled as I went down the stairs, and was still half-way through getting my shirt on when the person rang the doorbell again. I nearly tore my shirt in half. I told myself that I’d try to be reasonable with them, but when they rang the doorbell again, I decided I was going to haymaker them into the upper atmosphere. Hopefully I wouldn’t break anything in my hand.

The person got to ring the doorbell one last time before I threw the door open. I was half-way through flipping them off when I realized I was looking at a very, very cold looking Monika. She was shivering, and I could just barely see wisps of condensation forming as she breathed. The frigid air made me shiver, and I could only imagine how bad it would have been for Monika, given she was just wearing her school uniform.

“G-g-good evening, Anon,” Monika started; teeth chattering. “M-may I come in?”

“Sure…?” I stepped aside, and Monika hurriedly trotted in. I shut the door behind her.

“P-please pardon my intrusion,” Monika said. She took her shoes off next to where I had left mine.

She was shivering, so I offered her something to drink—something warm. She nodded enthusiastically. I led her to the kitchen and put the kettle on.

While we waited for the water to boil, she gave me a quick rundown of what had happened. Apparently, she’d been working with Sayori on some project all day, and they lost track of time. Despite Sayori’s worries that Monika wouldn’t make it in time to catch the last train, Monika left—only to realize she forgot her wallet at Sayori’s when she reached the station. That meant she couldn’t take the train, and taking a cab was also out of the question; even if she could afford it.

“So why’d you come to my place instead of going to Sayori’s?” I asked.

Monika beckoned me over and grabbed my cheeks when I got close. I flinched at how cold her hands were, and she nodded. “Do you feel that?”

“Y-yeah, I do,” I stuttered.

“It’s really cold out there right now, and your house was closer,” she explained. "What would you have done?"

I gently took her hands and pulled them away from my face. “Good call.” I put my own hands on my cheeks to warm them up. “What on Earth were you two doing that made you lose track of time like that anyways?”

Monika grinned and shrugged. “That’s a secret between girls, Anon.” When I tried to pry, she just smiled and fluttered her eyelashes, so I dropped the question.

Our bantering almost coincided perfectly with the kettle coming to a boil. I went to the pantry expecting to find some instant coffee and teabags, but I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that I had everything I needed to make some hot chocolate from scratch. I looked over my shoulder.

“So, what are you feeling like tonight?” I asked. “I’ve got coffee, tea, and hot chocolate.”

Monika’s eyes lit up at the mention of hot chocolate. I chuckled, and set the kettle aside. If she wanted hot chocolate, I was going to make damn sure I did it right: with milk and cream.

Bringing the chocolate mixture to a slow boil and heating the milk took a long time to do right, so I helped Monika settle in. I put her blazer in the coat closet for her, and then gave her some shortbread cookies that were sitting in the pantry. She seemed a little hesitant at first, so I told her I didn’t mind if she had them all.

“It’d stop me from eating them,” I said, and that seemed to encourage her.

Aside from nearly burning my pinky testing the milk, I made the hot chocolate without any problems. I decided to go all out, and I pulled out a bag of mini-marshmallows and sugar cinnamon to go with it. Finding our culinary blowtorch took a little longer than I expected, but I managed to find it and a can of butane. Monika clapped excitedly.

“Have you ever used that thing before?” she asked.

I nodded. “I’ve used it for something really similar to this, actually.”

I left out the part where I only used it to vaporize a couple of marshmallow ducks, but that was beside the point.

She watched closely as I put a handful of marshmallows in one cup and started the blowtorch. Her face was just a close enough that I could feel a hint of her breath, and my hands started to shake. I continued—trying to squash my nervousness with sheer concentration—and I painstakingly roasted the marshmallows until they were a perfectly-toasted golden-brown gooey mass. Two dashes of cinnamon sugar later, the hot chocolate was done. Monika applauded.

“Bravo, bravo!” She cheered. I slid passed her the mug, and she smiled as she took it. She took a moment to savour the hot chocolate’s aroma, and then took a sip. Her eyes lit up. “It’s really good!”

I blushed and thanked her. She sipped away happily while I carefully crafted my own serving. When I finished, I put everything away before sitting across from her, blowing into my own cup. The hot chocolate was pretty good, if I could say so myself.

As we drank and chatted, I noticed a slight draft. Monika started shivering again, despite the warmth of her drink. It was odd for it to be so cold at the end of October—I even turned the heaters off most nights to stop myself from sweating half to death—so we both took out our phones to check the forecast.

Monika’s brow furrowed, and she frowned as she scrolled. “Are you seeing this forecast?” she asked. I read the forecast and frowned too. “Five centimeters of snow in a single day? That’s crazy!”

I turned around to look out a nearby window, but it had already gotten too dark to see much.

“It said that it’ll start pretty soon,” I said.

Monika nodded and sighed. “And I don’t have enough for a taxi.” She frowned. “How am I going to get home like this?” She stared squarely at me. Did she want me to come up with a solution for her?

I decided to take a chance. “If… you know,” I started, but my resolve started to crumble.

Monika cocked her head. “Hmm?” Her small smile taunted me. “What do I know?”

“Well, you know… if you need to, you could… I don’t know…” I fidgeted. I wanted to bite my tongue or punch the table. It shouldn’t have been so hard to just ask her.

“What’s on your mind, Anon?” She asked. The way she drew out her words tempted and teased me at the same time. I shunted my self-restraint and shame to the furthest corners of my mind.

“You could stay the night, if you need to,” I finally offered.

Monika smiled. For a split second, she seemed pleased.

“Is that alright with you?”

I don’t think I could have said, “Of course,” any faster.




The only other room in the house was my parents’, and that was locked while they were away, so there was no way that I was going to let Monika sleep on the floor or on the couch. It took some convincing, but we eventually agreed that Monika should be the one to sleep in my room.

What I hadn’t been expecting was her to want to take a bath. “I can’t be dirty and sleep in your bed, can I?” was her explanation. She pulled a pair of pajamas out of her bag—a contingency for if she had to stay at Sayori’s. There was no reason to refuse, so I showed her where everything was, and then went to the living room to watch some TV. Suddenly, I wasn’t ready to go to bed just yet.

I absentmindedly sat on the couch and turned the TV on. My mind started drifting to Monika when I heard the shower start up. The thought of being alone with her made me excited, and there was no way I could stop myself from imagining what she looked like—how the water flowed down her curves; or how her hair clung to her body. What would she look like with her hair down, completely soaked?

Would the steam from the shower make her breathing heavier? I pictured her chest rising and falling as streams of water flowed down from her shoulders and between her breasts. I imagined how that water flowed over her navel and down between her thighs, reaching every nook and cranny of her body.

Did she bring her own shampoo? What would she think of my shampoo and soap? Would she look around nervously despite knowing she was alone, worried that I’d see her relish the scent—my scent?

Would she lather up her upper body, and then bend over to work on her legs—pressing her breasts together with her arms unintentionally?
Would she throw her hair back after rinsing herself off, sighing in satisfaction? Would that sigh take on another meaning as she washed off the last of the suds, accidentally touching herself just right as she did? Would she… would she continue after biting her lip and making a lustful decision?

Try as I might, I couldn’t watch the TV for more than a minute before my mind wandered in her direction again. Eventually, images of her turned to images of us in the shower together. I pictured my hands all over her, and her hands all over me. I pictured wet kisses and her hair clinging to my face as I pulled away.

I pinched my cheeks. Those thoughts were starting to go a little too far.

It at that time that the lights and TV suddenly went out, and I heard Monika cry out in surprise from the bathroom. There was a heavy thud, and then the lights turned back on.

“Monika?” I called out. The thud sounded like it had come from the bathroom. “Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah!” She replied. “I-I just…” She trailed off, and I heard indistinct muttering. “I may have just knocked over a bottle of detergent!”

That wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. “Was it the one that’s nearly empty?”

“…there’s a small puddle of it now, but there isn’t much left of it either!”

I relaxed and picked up the remote. That meant that it was the smaller one. No need to worry.

Just as I was about to turn the TV back on, Monika groaned. She didn’t wait for me to ask what was wrong.

“A-Anon? There’s a bit of a problem!”

“I can just clean it up later, if that’s what you’re worried about!”

“No, no, it’s not that!” I heard her shuffling around in the bathroom. “It got on my clothes!”

“Your old clothes, or your pajamas?”

“My pajamas! I wouldn’t care if detergent got on my dirty clothes!” She sighed loudly. “I don’t have anything to wear to bed!”

I paused. “…Can’t you just wear your old clothes?”

“N-no! That’s gross! I’d feel all dirty, and I can’t go to bed like that!”

I rolled my eyes. Girls were usually cleaner than guys, right? That, and what’s the most Monika could have done all day? Watch cat videos with Sayori? If I were her, I’d have no problem with it.

She didn’t want to let up, though, so I got up and went to my room. I rifled through my unworn clothes and took a white t-shirt, a pair of boxer-briefs, and an old pair of wool shorts I hadn’t worn since I was thirteen. The odds were that she’d be too small for most of my clothes, but she could tighten the shorts, at the very least. That, and I couldn’t deny the appeal of seeing a girl in one of my shirts.

I knocked on the bathroom door. “Here, I got some clothes for you.”

Monika scrambled to the door, and then cracked it open the slightest bit. The smell of my shampoo hit me, and I looked away as she came into view.

“H-here,” I said, and I offered her the clothes. She hesitated, but took them anyways.

“T-thanks.”

She disappeared back into the bathroom, and I went back to the living room; fanning myself with my shirt. Would it look bad if I went for a cold shower right away? I hadn’t looked directly at her, but the idea of being so close to her was still a bit too much for me. I closed my eyes.

As it turned out, I got engrossed in my thoughts that I didn’t even hear Monika approaching. When she tapped my shoulder, I let out a decidedly unmanly sound; something that was between a grunt and a moan. I couldn’t stop my look of sheer terror. I didn’t dare turn around either, because, the way my heart was beating, I probably would have died looking at her.

“Anon?” she asked. She walked around the couch and paused when she saw the kotatsu in the center of the room. “Would it be alright if I used the washing machine?”

I looked away and nodded. “G-go ahead; that’s fine.” She went back to the bathroom, and I took a deep breath. I’d have to buy new shampoo. There was no way I could ever use mine again without thinking about Monika. I couldn’t manage being that excited all the time.

A bit of a draft wafted through the living room, and I hugged myself a bit. The cold helped me get my thoughts in order, and I realized that the space heater nearby had gone silent. I stood up and messed with its controls.

No response. It was completely dead.

I strained my ears to listen for the other space heaters. All I heard was the wind running through the gutters and Monika fiddling with the washer-dryer. A sense of foreboding settled over me as I set out to check on them. I thought of the power outage, and it seemed as if the house got colder every time I reached one of the dead heaters. By the time I got back to the living room, I was starting to shiver.

Monika was waiting for me on the couch, and she played with the kotatsu’s blanket with her feet. Our eyes met, and I looked her over. I sucked in a breath and held it tightly. Any sound I could have made in that moment would have betrayed all the thoughts running through my head.

My shirt was baggy on her, for the most part, but stretched noticeably to accommodate her breasts. My pulse spiked when I saw a hint of two small bumps where the shirt was tightest. She had tied up my shorts to keep them tight, but what she didn’t fill in around the waistband, she made up for with her hips—which slightly pulled my shorts apart to fit properly. As she moved around, I could see hints of my boxer briefs, and I was astounded that she actually chose to wear them. She was still a bit wet from the bath, and I imagined her thighs rubbing together in the boxers; various types of wetness seeping into the fabric. I didn’t take myself as the type to sniff panties, but I couldn’t stop wondering just how damn good those boxers would smell when she gave them back to me—if she gave them back to me.

A chill ran down my spine. God, what if she kept my boxers? Every time I’d see her, there’d be a chance she’d be wearing them.

Oh God. I don’t think the thoughts would have stopped without her interrupting me. She waved a hand in front of my face, and I snapped out of my stupor.

“Are you alright, Anon?” she asked. She hugged herself a bit. “I know it’s a bit cold, but I don’t think the cold can make you hallucinate or anything.”

“O-oh, yeah. The uh… the heaters,” I started. I needed time to rein in my thoughts. “All the heaters are broken.”

Monika frowned. “Are you sure?”

I nodded. “They’re completely dead.”

Seeing Monika messing with the blanket gave me an idea, though. I slid under the kotatsu and turned the heating element to low. The low hum of the element started up, and I could feel a bit of warmth on my legs.

Monika looked on, and asked if it was working. I motioned for her to come over, and she slid in across from me; tightly wrapping herself in the blanket. She purred in delight and practically melted back into the cushion behind her.

Once we settled in, I realized that we didn’t have much space to ourselves. Our legs were pressed together even though I scooted into the corner as much as I could, and the kotatsu was a little lower than I would have liked. My parents bought it almost on a whim for Sayori and me so that we’d stop bothering them while they were trying to relax, so I should have figured it was going to be smaller than I remembered. Monika didn’t seem too fussed about it, at least, so I tried to relax.

After a few minutes of warming up, Monika perked up. “So all the space heaters are broken, right?” I nodded. “That means that the one in your room is busted too?”

“Yeah; it was just as dead as the one in here.” I bunched up my eyebrows and frowned. “I really hope they’re not dead-dead.”

Monika shimmied away from the kotatsu and stood up. “Would it be alright if I moved my stuff down here, then?” she asked. She motioned to the kotatsu. “I think it’d be nicer to sleep under here for the night.”

I felt a chill on my exposed arms, and shivered a bit. If my room was this cold, I’d want to sleep under the kotatsu too; even with my blanket. I nodded. Monika followed me to my room, and I opened the door. A chill wafted out—almost as if I had opened a freezer. I grimaced. There was no way that my blanket was going to cut it for the night.

While Monika gathered her things, I dug into my closet; looking for a couple of sweaters for us to wear. I skipped over an old turtle-neck that I never wore, and pulled out a couple of hoodies that hadn’t seen use in almost a year; one green, and one black. Monika gave the green one a nod when I showed them to her, and I tossed it unceremoniously. She scrambled to catch it, grumbling when it hit the floor. I heard her take a deep breath and sigh before slipping the hoodie on.

We returned to the living room with her things in tow and sat underneath the kotatsu again. Both of us were shivering from the cold of the room, and, at the very least, I was shocked back to wakefulness. I turned the TV on, but gave up and left a news channel on a few minutes later when all we found was an off-hour run of Flubber.

It wasn’t all that bad, sitting there and talking to Monika. She rested her elbows on the kotatsu and rested her chin on her hands as we talked; never breaking eye contact. I fidgeted under her gaze, but probably not for the reason she was thinking—I was mostly preoccupied by the constant reminder she was wearing my clothes.

“Say, Anon…” she asked while a particularly dry commercial started up. “I’m really cold right now.” She scooted closer to me. “Would you mind if we shared a spot?”

I budged over and patted the floor beside me. Monika smiled and slid in next to me, wiggling in as close as she could. With how she pressed against me, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she could feel my thunderous heartbeat, and it only got worse as she leaned back to rest on the cushion with me. She hummed happily.

“Comfy?” I asked. She nodded, and we went back to watching TV passively.

A cold sensation on my hand tore my attention away from the TV, and I realized that Monika’s hand was resting on top of mine. She gave no indication that she noticed or cared that it was there, other than the slightest curl of her lips.

Just once, she gave me a sidelong glance. When she realized I was staring, the curl of her lips lifted into a small smile. I put on a smile of my own—unsure, but hopeful. She didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I didn’t have much experience with romance, but I was pretty sure that we had a moment going, and anything I could have said would have probably blown it.

We didn’t need to talk anyways. I enjoyed the moment just as it was.




As the reporter droned on, I felt a weight on my shoulder. Monika bumped into me, barely able to keep her eyes open. She grumbled a bit and sat up straight, only to do it again a couple of seconds later.

I chuckled. “…sleepy?”

“Just a bit,” she mumbled. She yawned, and rested her head on my shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind me using your shoulder like a pillow, Anon,” she said as she patted me on the arm. “It’ll just be for while we’re watching TV, okay?”

I didn’t think that either of us had been watching the TV at all, but Monika was already drifting off, so I let her be. Her eyes shut, and she nuzzled my arm slightly. I grabbed my own hand to stop myself from pulling her closer. We hadn’t set any boundaries—heck, we hadn’t talked about ‘this’ at all—and I sure as hell didn’t want to cross an unspoken line.

I tried to focus on the TV, but with Monika so close, concentrating was pretty much impossible. With a sigh, I shut the TV off and leaned back. I tried to occupy myself with some other thoughts. Without the background noise, however, I became keenly aware of Monika’s soft, rhythmic breathing, and how she occasionally mumbled something in her sleep. Most of what she mumbled was nonsense, but then I heard her say my name.

Try as I might, I couldn’t stop myself from giving in to temptation. I put my arm up onto the cushion behind us, heart racing, and inched towards her.

She stirred, and opened her eyes a little bit. We made eye contact, and I froze, praying that she hadn’t noticed what I was trying to do.

She looked around for a while before settling on me. “…where’d my pillow go?”

I nearly sighed in relief.

“S-sorry, I was just stretching!” I hurriedly brought my arm back to my side and offered my shoulder to her. She eyed it impassively and cocked her head to the side, smiling.

“…okay… you know?” she murmured. I turned my ear to her. Her warm breath caressed my ear as she spoke, and I tensed up. “It’s okay, you know.” She tugged on my arm weakly. I turned to face her again. Her eyes weren’t completely open, but the way she stared made me think that she wasn’t quite as asleep as I thought. She smiled mischievously at me.

“O-okay? What’s okay?”

Monika hunched over and brought my arm over her shoulders. “This is what you wanted to do, right?” My relief from before vanished, and I felt the heat from my cheeks spread to the rest of my body. Monika seemed to notice too, and she delivered the final blow by clinging to my chest and nuzzling my neck. “This is much nicer, isn’t it?”

I bit my lip and nodded. With her so close, my senses went into overdrive. Everything seemed to focus in on her. The way her smell mixed with mine. The distinct warmth of her body, and how she seemed to get warmer while she clung to me. The sultry tone her voice took on. She was coming on strong in almost every way but directly, and I was getting closer to losing control of myself.

“Anon?” Monika whispered. She tugged on my shoulder, and I leaned closer. Her warm, moist breath caressed my ear. “I love how warm you are,” she cooed. She lowered her voice to almost a whisper. “If… if you don’t mind, would you… could you keep me warm tonight?”

It felt as if every muscle in my body was straining all at once. Self-control felt like a distant memory that I was desperately clinging to. I took a deep breath.

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

Monika squeezed my arm. “If it’s awkward for you, could you at least hug me until I’m asleep?” She pawed at my other arm. “Is that too much to ask?”

“N-no, not at all.” I wrapped my arms around her, and she nuzzled my chest again. I adjusted the cushion we were leaning on so that we were closer to lying down, and pulled the kotatsu’s blanket up to cover us better.

After that, I had no idea what to do. We lay there awkwardly; my arms weakly holding Monika. I didn’t know what she was really thinking, but she had pushed us this far already. Each passing moment that we didn’t go on to bigger, bolder things gave back some of my self-control. Something was supposed to happen now, right?

As the excitement died down, Monika pulled away from me so we could see each other clearly. We stared at each other uncomfortably for a few minutes. Should I have just gone the whole way and kissed her, or something? How far did she want to go? Her smile was gentle and warm, but it didn’t tell me anything about what she wanted out of all this—heck, I didn’t even know what I wanted out of the situation. It was just too perfect to have fallen in my lap like that.

“So… yeah…” I started. Monika waited patiently for me to continue, and the awkwardness only grew. “…we’re hugging, and all that.”

Monika nodded. Her cheeks were flushed, and she fidgeted in my embrace.

“…yeah.”

Where did all that confidence from earlier go?

“It’s pretty comfy,”

“…just comfy? Nothing else?”

We stared at each other.

“Is it supposed to be something else?” I asked. Monika started fidgeting some more, and she bowed her head.

“It could be something else. Something more… ‘interesting,’ maybe?”  she said. Could she have been any more indirect?

I frowned. “Could you tell me what that ‘something else’ could be? I’m kind of at a loss here.”

Monika shook her head and groaned. “Anon, you’re killing me here.” She buried her face in my chest. “Could you be more obtuse?”

“Hey, wait a minute! I could say that about you too!” I grabbed her shoulders and gently peeled her away from my chest. “I have no idea where you want to go with all this!”

“’Where I want to go with all this’?” Monika scoffed. “Isn’t it obvious from literally everything that just happened?” She clicked her tongue and trembled as she shook her head. “God, I should have listened to Sayori! I can’t believe how dense you are!”

It was my turn to scoff. “Dense? What do you mean ‘dense’?” Monika tried to slide back a bit, but she bumped into the corner of the kotatsu, and I wrapped her arms around her and pulled back in. “Do you think I didn’t do anything because I thought you really were just cold? Hell no!”

“A-Anon? W-what are you—”

“Seriously, did you really expect a guy to not notice when you’re literally pushing yourself onto him?” I practically pressed Monika into my chest. Her breaths were fast and shallow, and her heart pounded furiously.

“A-Anon…”

I tightened my embrace. “I noticed! If you were trying to make me want you, you sure as hell did that right!”

“A-Anon…! M-my arm!” Monika whimpered, and I froze. I pulled my arms away from her. She took a few deep breaths and stretched her arms.
“Oh God, Monika, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

Monika put a finger to my lips and then wrapped her arms around me. “You didn’t hurt me or anything, Anon.” She grinned. “Just make sure you don’t bend my arm in a weird way this time, okay?” She sighed, and then I felt her lips on my neck. “I’m ready.”

I cautiously put my arms around Monika’s sides and waist, and only tightened my embrace when she huffed impatiently. She giggled.

“What’s so funny?”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad,” Monika said as she hugged me even tighter. “I was just thinking about how you’re being really gentle all of a sudden.”

“Oh?” I frowned and squeezed her a little. “How’s that?”

She squeezed me tighter. “Come on Anon, you’re being outdone by a girl! You’ve got some more muscle than that, right?”

“Are we really going to get into a hugging competition?” I asked, but I still one-upped Monika. She grinned.

As it turned out, Monika was stronger than she looked, and I’m pretty sure that our hugging could have turned into a full-blown wrestling match, had the kotatsu not been in the way. Not too long after we started, Monika had the bright idea of wrapping her legs around me and squeezing me as tightly as she could that way.

I don’t know how she kept fit, but, my God, her thighs were something else: soft and supple as she wrapped them around my waist, and unimaginably tender as she flexed them and practically grinded against me. Her shorts—my shorts—rode up as she pressed her hips against mine, and dragged the pair I was wearing up with them. Our skin-to-skin contact quickly went from our knees to half-way up our thighs, and would have gone further if Monika wanted to. Her legs were much hotter than mine, and had the slightest sheen of what I assumed was sweat. I couldn’t contain my arousal, and, while Monika did me a huge favour by not mentioning it, the purposeful way she moved made it very clear that she noticed.

When we both tired out, we settled back down on the cushion; sweaty and out of breath. Monika rested her head on my chest with a delighted sigh, and I slung my arm around her waist. We stared at the ceiling. Personally, I was just a little bit too embarrassed to look at her.

I felt her tug on my sleeve.

“Anon?” she whispered. I tilted my head to the side and looked into her perfect emerald eyes.

“Yeah?”

“This is probably really sudden, and I think you probably already figured this out, but…” she bit her lip. I held my breath. She laughed nervously and hid her face in my chest. “…I really, really like you.” Right after she said that, she vigorously shook her head. “No, I don’t just like you. I… I love you.”

They were just the words that I was expecting out of a buildup like that, but they still hit me hard. The hopeful trembling of her eyes let me know that she wanted an answer. I closed my eyes. I felt her tense up as I got closer, and opened my eyes.

She had turned away from me.

“T-thank you, Anon, but I can’t…” She turned back to face me. My face fell when I saw her eyes were watering. Before I could say anything, she leaned up and kissed me on the forehead. “…rough cuddling might be as far as my heart will let me go right now,” she said, and then she turned away again; face completely flushed red.

I chuckled and kissed the top of her head. She squirmed, but I could feel her smiling against my chest. “That’s alright with me.” I sighed and rested my cheek against the top of her head. “I…”

I stopped myself from saying, ‘I think.’

“I love you too, Monika.” The certainty of how I said it surprised me. It was as if the words had been waiting to roll off my tongue for my entire life.

A weight fell off my chest in that moment, and Monika’s smile was dazzling. I wiped away some tears from her eyes and pulled her close.

“Hey, hey, if you cry, I might cry too,” I said, and Monika pushed out a quiet laugh.

“Sorry, I’m just getting a bit caught up in all of this,” she said through sniffles. “It’s just… I feel like this is the only chance that I’ve ever gotten to tell you how I feel.”

I rubbed her back. “But you told me, and I told you how I feel too. We’ll always have each other now.”

“Y-yeah.” Monika nodded. “You’re right, Anon.” She relaxed. “You’re completely right.”

We settled in for the night. Monika cuddled into my chest, and I pulled the blanket up to our necks.

"...Anon?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you," Monika whispered. "Thank you for being so warm."

"Of course," I replied. "I'm here for you."

Monika smiled and put her head against my chest.

"I'd be so cold without you," she murmured before drifting off.

I held her tightly.

I held her as tightly as I could.




>[rK9Xwi9g]. [SAVE2]. [NATSUKI]. [SAVE4]. [YURI]. [SAVE6]. [SAYORI]. [SAVE8]. [SAVE9]. [SAVE10]. [SAVE11].




I woke up with a killer pain in my back. I groaned. Why was I sleeping under the kotatsu?

I shut off the kotatsu and got up, rubbing my back as I went. I stretched and yawned, looking at the time on the clock, and almost choked when I saw I only had about fifteen minutes to get to school. I swore. I went through my routine in almost record time; getting toast in the oven, butter and my water bottle on the table, and my uniform and bag on my bed in just under a minute.

As I went to brush my teeth, I nearly slipped on a slick of detergent in the washroom, and I cursed again. How had the damn bottle fallen over again? I briefly contemplated sticking my foot in the toilet and flushing to clean it off, but I shook my head. That was a dumb idea. Instead, I got my toothbrush ready, and then brushed my teeth while I straddled the wall of the bath. As it turns out, it’s pretty hard to avoid getting wet when you’re running the faucet and brushing your teeth at the same time.

After that, I ran back into my room and threw my clothes off. There was a sharp chill in the air, and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten my uniform on any faster. I took my bag and dashed back to the kitchen just as the toast finished, and I gave it a generous layer of butter before throwing the tub back into the fridge. I nearly laughed and dropped the toast when I realized that I was about to live out a trope.

Just as I was about to leave, I noticed something on the kotatsu: a white ribbon. It was larger than the ones that Sayori wore, and she was busy all weekend, so I wasn’t really sure what it was doing there. Despite the rush I was in, I stopped.

What was it doing here?

A sense of unease settled over me. Sayori didn’t wear ribbons like this. I sure as hell didn’t keep any ribbons around. It seemed as if the more I racked my brain for an answer, the worse my headache got.

I don’t know why, but I brought the ribbon close to my nose—I reasoned that I wouldn’t have been able to tell whose it was just by looking at it. I swear I’m not a pervert. I furrowed my brow when the smell of my own shampoo hit me.

Weird.

I turned the ribbon over a few times. Nothing. It was just a nondescript white piece of fabric.

Why was I so hung up on it, then? I couldn’t just put it down. My heart pounded in my chest for no good reason. What the hell was up with this ribbon?

Why was I crying?

I touched my cheek with my free hand, and my fingers were practically soaked. This wasn’t like crying over stubbing my toe or burning myself. No, I was hurting. I was sobbing.

God damn.

It hurt.

I fell to my knees, clutching my chest.

My head hurt. My chest ached, and I could feel my heavy heartbeat clearly, despite a wall of sharp, stinging pain. My arms and legs were sore, as if I had been exercising and pushed myself too hard.

It hurt so much. Everything hurt so much.

I was almost paralyzed with how painful it started to get, but when I held the ribbon close, I felt just the tiniest better—like if I had it close to my heart, I could make it through the day.

I shook as I got to my feet. I had no idea how to tie a ribbon, so I did what I could: I tied it around my neck like a tie and tucked it under my shirt. The largest part of it hung right over my heart, and I felt a bit of warmth from there. I put my hand over it and took a deep breath.

It was the best I could do.

If I could go to school, I thought, and hang out with everyone in the club, I could take my mind off of it.

Sayori had something planned, and I would have felt awful if I missed out. As I left, though, I couldn't help but shiver. The forecast was for sun and high temperatures for the season, but I felt compelled to wear a jacket anyways. I couldn't help it.

I was just so cold.