deleted PsychologyToday article from March 2023

www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/evolution-of-the-self/202302/8-reasons-men-may-seek-prosti[language filter]tutes-not-for-s[language filter]ex-but-to-talk

 8 Reasons Men May Seek prosti[language filter]tutes Not for s[language filter]ex, But to Talk
s[language filter]ex workers operate as much as therapists or confidantes as they do prosti[language filter]tutes.

Posted March 1, 2023

Key points

    The crying need to divulge one’s authentic being can get a man to pay a s[language filter]ex worker to validate this hidden self—if only by not criticizing it.
    Men can experience being listened to and compassionately understood by s[language filter]ex workers, so the encounter, obtained monetarily, doesn’t feel fake.
    Feeling obliged to project strength and self-assurance not truly felt, men can relax by being with someone whose only requirement is to be paid.
    Men who need chiefly to vent might prefer a s[language filter]ex worker over a therapist, who’d be far more likely to recommend (unwanted) behavior change.

Males who engage s[language filter]ex workers are typically viewed negatively. And from a strict ethical viewpoint, there are many reasons to assess their motives unfavorably. Nonetheless, this post will explain why what many of these men seek—beyond s[language filter]exual relief or expression—is less lascivious than appreciated.

As therapist Allan Schwartz observes, noting how far-reaching is the search for women practicing the oldest profession, “Those men who frequent prosti[language filter]tutes cut across all racial, economic, social class and age lines.”

So while such males addressing their fundamental emotional (vs. physical) needs this way may be considered wrongheaded or morally questionable, the needs themselves warrant being viewed as legitimate, and thus worthy of sympathetic understanding.
8 Psychological Explanations for Non-s[language filter]exual Visits to s[language filter]ex Workers

Here are a variety of reasons that at least some men—as testified both by researchers and s[language filter]ex workers themselves—arrange for so-called “escorts,” call girls, or prosti[language filter]tutes not really so much to have s[language filter]ex with, but rather to be with and talk openly about matters they wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to share with anybody else.

And frankly, some of these reasons may surprise you.

So, to examine more “intimately” why men might be willing to dole out substantial sums to s[language filter]ex workers not to have s[language filter]ex, let’s look at their need:

    To have an outlet for what they feel they can’t safely communicate to people they know.

We all need at least one person with whom we can comfortably divulge what’s bothering us. Usually that would be our best friend, spouse, or close, trusted relative. Plus, strange to say, it might also be a complete stranger—sitting next to us on a bus or plane (i.e., someone—thankfully!—we’ll never see again).

If we’re without such outlets for sharing private thoughts and feelings, if we fear that disclosing secrets to an individual we’re already acquainted with could lead them to disapprove of, or denigrate us, one option would be to confide in a person assumed to be least likely to judge us. And s[language filter]ex workers generally recognize that the “John” paying for their services doesn’t want their feedback or advice but simply to vent what till now they've felt obliged to hide.

The desperate need to drop one’s social mask and be totally candid with another person can prompt a man (and, though far less commonly, a woman) to use their currency to bribe someone to validate their reality—if only by not criticizing it. And that’s the case despite a disinterested observer’s concluding that they’re paying good money to get the s[language filter]ex worker to perform what, finally, is a speciously “platonic” service.

Still, such men can feel authentically listened to and sympathetically understood. So for them the encounter, even though it’s been obtained monetarily, doesn’t feel fake. After all, they’re talking not to someone they’ve merely fantasized but to a real person.

Similar to “trading” one’s money to purchase an article of desired clothing, seeing a s[language filter]ex worker can be viewed as “purchasing” someone (in the trade, no less) to receive a non-judgmental response otherwise unavailable. And it’s primarily to receive non-material support to get some troubling things off their (overburdened) chest.

    To feel cared about/valued/significant.

Whether “paid” caring and concern is truly genuine, through the s[language filter]ex worker’s (possibly fictitious) verbal and facial expressions, it can feel real enough. For the s[language filter]ex worker does appear to be paying close attention and listening with interest—and, too, may accurately reflect back what they heard their client saying. That can suggest their valuing you, that they regard what you’re communicating as worthwhile and meaningful.

    To feel normal/acceptable/“okay” (even if you’re physically, mentally, emotionally, or socially deviant, or disabled).

Some men may be restricted in being with a woman because of genetic or developmental impairments. Yet their need for feminine companionship can be just as strong as any other man’s. So, if only temporarily, the disadvantaged male may feel more normal and acceptable by hiring a s[language filter]ex worker to willingly engage with him.

And even if they do s[language filter]exually express themselves with that person, it’s likely secondary to simply having a woman agree to spend time with them.

    To be relieved of the societal obligation to project strength, courage, and invulnerability.

In many cultures—and that includes ours—males are expected to stand confidently on their own two feet. Granted, the “orthodox” masculine ideal of the strong silent type may gradually be getting replaced by more realistic notions of males’ having the same dependency needs as their female counterparts.


Just the same, many men feel obliged to project an image of autonomy and self-assurance they don’t actually feel. It’s therefore consoling to be with a woman whose only requirement is to be paid. And such latitude puts these “service people” in a perfect position to accept unperturbed whatever failings, fears or weaknesses their client needs to divulge.

    To touch and be touched.

Neuropsychologists have often noted the inestimable value of touch—and from babyhood on. Whether we’re consciously aware of it, when touch is missing from our lives we feel it intensely. Somewhere deep inside we experience that something crucial is lacking—and that, albeit only secretly, we long for the press of flesh, even if it’s just someone taking our hand (and, hopefully, squeezing it).

Given some men’s fear of seeming s[language filter]exually aggressive (especially in this “MeToo” era), they may be hesitant to make even modest advances with someone they’re dating. But on the contrary, they can be confident that taking a s[language filter]ex worker’s hand—or asking her to take theirs—is extremely unlikely to be rejected.

    To make up for a tragic relationship loss.

Whether we’re introverts or extroverts, we all need companionship. So, whether through death or divorce, some men feel so desperate to fill the vacuum left by losing their partner that they turn to s[language filter]ex workers to alleviate or distract themselves from overwhelming grief.

There are times when being alone after a loved one passes is almost unbearable. And several escorts have shared with professionals interviewing them that they’ve had patrons scheduling appointments solely to acquire their (interim) company. With s[language filter]ex the last thing on their mind, they might merely have requested they be held—as they wept profusely over their loss.

    To evade seeing a mental health professional.

Therapists are much more likely to make recommendations for behavioral change than s[language filter]ex workers. And usually men who need principally to vent aren’t interested in self-exploration or delving deeper into ongoing difficulties and challenges. Plus, they might fear baring their soul to someone in authority who might decide they’re afflicted with a mental disorder demanding prompt attention.

Enter the s[language filter]ex worker, who knows better than to criticize their clients’ shortcomings—and besides, lacks credentialed authority to do so. Additionally, as Keya Murthy points out, “In many homes and cultures, visiting a therapist is taboo.”

Regrettably, it’s still fairly common to believe that only “crazies” see therapists, or that therapists themselves are crazy (!). Or that it’s just weak people who go to therapists. And, contrary to seeing a professional, with prosti[language filter]tutes the customer’s currency alone enables them to avoid such subordination and take relational control.

    To get what they haven’t been able to get from their marriage.

To come full circle on this topic, research suggests that the majority of a prosti[language filter]tute’s clientele are actually married—and for the most part happily so. But the fact remains that they can’t safely (i.e., with impunity) share with their wives what’s missing for them.

And that’s because their committed relationship is so critical to them that they feel much too vulnerable to ask for anything their mate might see as perverted and harshly object to. However, making such requests to a prosti[language filter]tute is different. For here the s[language filter]ex worker will say “yes” or “no,” clarifying her boundaries but without putting them down either.

To Eric Spitznage, who’s spoken to escorts “who make more per hour than most cardiologists [or therapists],” one of these s[language filter]ex workers estimated that 90% of her clients were “married or in long term monogamous relationships,” and another claimed their work was “95% emotional labor and just 5% s[language filter]ex.”

To briefly conclude, as important as s[language filter]exual expression is for most men, it’s ordinarily less important than the communication and connection s[language filter]ex workers can (less precariously) provide.

It’s no coincidence that research has shown that heteros[language filter]exual men on average have active s[language filter]ex with their mates for all of 5.4 minutes, yet men who see s[language filter]ex workers book appointments generally for 1 to 3 hours. Thus it’s fairly obvious that ultimately their in-bed socializing is more personally meaningful than their active s[language filter]exing.

So, realistically, the world’s oldest profession is unlikely to become extinct any time soon.

NOTE: My next post will deal with this subject from a rather different viewpoint—the s[language filter]ex worker’s.


References

Beluso, A. (2021, Apr 14). 7 Reddit s[language filter]ex workers reveal the saddest requests they’ve received from lonely people. https://www.yourtango.com/2021341598/saddest-stories-reddit-s[language filter]ex-workers

Emma, N. (2018, Dec 18). What a s[language filter]ex worker can teach us about human connection. https://www.ted.com/talks/nicole_emma_what_a_s[language filter]ex_worker_can_teach_us_ab….

Galla, S. (n.d.). A s[language filter]ex worker shares why men pay for s[language filter]ex: Conversation & connection. https://mensgroup.com/male-lonliness-connection-s[language filter]ex-worker

Harte, R. (2022, Mar 22). I'm a s[language filter]ex worker—but I never actually sleep with my clients. https://www.myjoyonline.com/im-a-s[language filter]ex-worker-but-i-never-actually-sleep-with-my-clients/

Klower, K. (2020, Nov 9). 16 men explain why they see s[language filter]ex workers. https://www.yourtango.com/2018319916/why-single-married-men-pay-for-esc…

Murthy, K. (2021, Oct 23). The incredibly sad reasons why so many men hire s[language filter]ex workers just to talk. yourtango.com/experts/coach-keya/why-do-men-pay-

Pemberton, B. (2017, Nov 10). s[language filter]ex worker who has slept with over 10,000 men answers the questions women never dare to ask. https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/4888618/s[language filter]ex-worker-slept-10000-men-answers-questions-women/

Schwartz, A. (n.d.). Why do men go to prosti[language filter]tutes? https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/why-do-men-go-to-prosti[language filter]tutes/

Spitznage, E. (2019, Mar 2). Secrets from s[language filter]ex workers about how to improve your marriage. https://www.menshealth.com/s[language filter]ex-women/a26594169/married-men-prosti[language filter]tutes-s[language filter]ex-workers-confessions/

Tipton, N. (2022, Sep 30). Former escort reveals what her married clients have taught her about men who cheat. https://www.yourtango.com/news/former-escort-reveals-what-married-clien…