(FR) John M.

Mar 10th, 2013
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. >Day 381 in Equestria
  2. >You are anon
  3. >Before you magically poofed to this land of pastel ponies you were a cop
  4. >But life wasn’t so grand
  5. >Chain smoker, borderline alcoholic, rocky marriage
  6. >So you could consider the sudden relocation as not entirely bad
  7. >You still drank a lot, and whenever you could get your hands on tobacco you smoked
  8. >But you weren’t romantically attracted to anything here
  9. > So relationship wise you didn’t have any problems
  10. >Almost…
  11. >Everyday was the same damn routine
  12. >Wake up, shit, shower, and try to shave
  13. >These razors were not made for man, as they always left stubble that formed into a five a clock shadow in an hour
  14. >But like fucking clockwork, every day at 8, there SHE was
  15. >For some reason this yellow miniature horse was obsessed with you
  16. >And she somehow got it into her little head that if she found out what turned you on then you would love her
  17. >So every morning she was on your front step asking
  18. >”Anon? Are socks your fetish?”
  19. >”Are maid costumes your fetish?”
  20. >”Are threesomes your fetish?”
  21. >Goddamnit
  23. >Today was no different
  24. >You swung the door open and shouted
  25. “Listen you damn-“
  26. >She was not alone this time, the purple one was with her
  27. “Oh… hey…”
  28. >”Anon!” Purplemagic spoke first
  29. >”I thought that since you’re such great friends with Fluttershy you should have this!”
  30. >She levitates over a fancy invitation of some sort
  31. >~Formal Invitation to the Canterlot Wedding~
  32. “Who’s getting married?”
  33. >”My brother, Shining Armor! ..but for some reason the wedding was pushed back to Hearth's Warming Eve…”
  34. >You pull Twilight aside and whispered to her
  35. “Look, I think it’s cute that you’re trying to help your friend a bit, but I’m not interested in her”
  36. >Her face turns serious
  37. >”You look! She has been all over you for the last couple of months. Just do this and be her date to the wedding. It’s the least you can give her”
  38. >Before you can make a counter argument you feel an aura of magic surround you
  39. >And start to heat up
  40. “Okay okay”
  41. >You stand up straight
  42. “Fluttershy, would you be my date to the Canterlot wedding?”
  44. >Be at the Canterlot wedding
  45. >During the lead up Twilight was freaking out about that tall pink alicorn
  46. >Oh well, she’s currently missing her brother and Cadence saying their vows
  47. >*SLAM*
  48. >Or not, as she quickly burst through the back doors
  49. >…
  50. >Along with another Cadence looking worse for wear
  51. >What the fuck is going on here?!
  52. >After some confusion, shouting, and magic blasts you see it
  53. >A black bug pony disguised as Cadence had just blasted Celestia
  54. >And her army of smaller bug ponies were swarming Canterlot
  55. >When she spoke, it was… somewhat intoxicating
  56. >”And now I am more powerful than CELESTIA!”
  57. >She then turned her gaze to the mane six
  58. >”And don’t think I don’t know about you, elements of harmony”
  59. >With a green flash several of the changelings appeared next to them
  60. >…Holding machine guns, grenades, and what one looked like was carrying C4
  61. >What the fuck?
  62. >”I have to thank a certain somep0ny for pointing out the power of the elements”
  63. >Her gaze then turned to you
  64. >”And what exactly are you? Hmm?”
  65. >She levitated you out of the crowd by your neck
  66. “ACK!”
  67. >”No matter, just another husk to drain”
  68. >But then with a yellow blur you were pushed out of her grasp and through a stained glass window
  70. >As you came too you saw yourself on the ground outside
  71. >With Flutters on your chest
  72. >”I’m sorry. I couldn’t let her hurt you”
  73. “Well… Thanks I guess”
  74. >But before you had time to go any further a trio of armed changelings flew down to meet you
  75. >You dived behind a stone bench, dragging Banana shush with you
  76. >As the first bug rounded the corner to bear his machine gun you threw your overcoat at it, temporarily blinding it
  77. >Then you grabbed its body and held it to your chest as a human shield as your other hand grabbed its weapon
  78. >The two others opened fire, chipping stone, dirt, black chitin, and a few drops of your blood
  79. >But your aim was better, even while one handed, as you mowed the two down
  80. >After the action you looked at the damage
  81. >The snowy ground was littered with pot marks, green globs of blood, and an occasional drop of red
  82. >And Flutters was shaking on the ground in a fetal position
  83. >You looked up, seeing cheeselegs stare at you from out of the broken window
  85. >Fluttershy snapped to it as you two went running across the city
  86. >Dodging bullets
  87. >Grenades exploding
  88. >And for some reason the changelings had German names
  89. >This was…
  90. >Weird?
  91. >You even managed to outwit a group of them by strapping some of that C4 to a chair and throwing it down an alley at them
  92. >At one point Flutters was taken at gunpoint to try and get you to drop your guns
  93. >You did, and then laughed your ass off
  94. >In the confusion you shot them with another pistol you had picked up and continued on your way
  95. >The plan was to get the elements and somehow use them to defeat the bugs
  96. >But there was one problem
  97. >Changelings were swarming around the building that housed the elements
  98. >Some of them had ponies at gun point
  99. >Hostages
  100. “Alright, this looks bad. I say you cause a distraction. There’s a large sandwich board over there. Just write ‘I hate hornheads’ on it and fly around”
  101. >”Umm… Anon…”
  102. “And then I I’ll go in through that vent over there”
  103. >”Anon… I have a confession”
  104. “And when I get in I’ll take out those sentries”
  105. >”I sort of told Chrysalis how to do this”
  106. >You stared at her
  107. “Can you repeat what you just said?”
  109. >”I told her about the elements and how she should stop us”
  110. “..WHAT?! WHY?”
  111. >”Its… just that… I thought…”
  112. >Oh shit she’s starting to cry
  113. >With a sigh you realize that getting angry at her won’t make things better
  114. >You grab her and give a slight hug
  115. >”Anon…”
  116. >Her eyes meet yours…
  117. >As she pulls you in for a passionate kiss
  118. >You allow it to happen
  119. >”Anon… in case we don’t make it out, can you just answer one thing for me?”
  120. “What?”
  121. >”Is Die Hard your fetish?”
  122. >You stare at her for a moment
  123. >Then ejected a magazine and loaded another with a clank
  124. “Yippee ki-yay motherfucker”
  125. >The both of you charged into the room
  126. >Knowing damn well that when this was all over, you’d be
  127. >Fucking Fluttershy
RAW Paste Data Copied