How Have You Changed?

"In what way has unlife as a Kindred changed you from who you were before?"

--

"What are you talking about? I haven't changed a bit, have I? I was doing the same things before I was turned as after. Night after night drenched in the shady life of after dark, taking in bills in exchange for a glimpse at my body. I suppose now I feel there's a dignity to it. It used to be just a job to do, but more and more I'm finding it an art, and have more tools to express it. In a way, I feel I have a purpose. The things I've lost... they're so distant now. Everyone who wronged me in the past is dead. Everyone I tried to reach again... is also dead. So why dwell on it? At least I can't destroy myself on drugs anymore, nor do I feel tempted to do so. Though I guess I've become slave to another type of addiction. Nothing to do now but live it up. For every night on into forever."

"Oh, it's been wonderful! I can't ever imagine going back. Yeah, it took a little bit of getting used to, but... do you know how much power you have? When at a moment's notice you can change everything you don't like about yourself? Look at me. I fixed everything that was wrong, and it was effortless! I can fix you, too! Bodies make the most wonderful medium because your canvas can appreciate just how beautiful it is afterwards! Would you like to see some of my creations?"

"Uhm, well, I guess it's done some stuff to my life? Like... I don't think mom wanted to deal with me after I went to prison, but... heh, guess someone else saved me the trouble of having to make up, huh? It's really hard to find people who got your back, though. Hard to trust anybody out here on the streets at night. Good thing bullets don't really work on me anymore, but... goddamn. It's like everything pisses me off nowadays. Shit I used to never care about just drives me fuckin' crazy. It's not that bad, though. It kinda feels good, to lose control like that and just tear the shit out of something, y'know? Tear it all down."

"It's been nothing but an improvement. To think, I spent years of my life whiling away, missing out on this wonderful, dark underscene. I look to those feeble herds now and feel almost disgust that I once grazed mindlessly among them. But those aren't thoughts I dwell on often, because now I'm well aware of what power I hold, that this 'curse' has allowed me to capture. Within my domain, I may as well be a god, and I would have it no other way."

"My life went to absolute shit. It mostly just gave me the urge to scratch the face off every pretty-boy motherfucker that crosses my path. It sucks, and everything is terrible. How's that for some life-changing insight, huh? That'll be five bucks. Don't let the rats bite you on the way out."

"I think... well, it was a lot more than just a physical change, I guess. Everything I thought I knew... everything I used to believe in.. well, it's gone now. In one fell swoop, I had to throw it all away. Yeah, life was stagnant, but it was easy, you know? That's what I get. I stepped off the straight and narrow and now I'm paying for it. Goodbye, mum and dad. Goodbye, Allah. Now I live without being alive, fighting vice and a literal inner demon that scratches and claws and begs for blood. All I can do now is my best, try to gather up my last scraps of humanity and hold onto them for dear life."

"Oh, I suppose once a long time ago it was distressing, the first few nights after I had been bitten. Ah, that must have been almost five hundred years now... I didn't know how I would face my Sisters. How could one admit that she had become the devil's pawn, some beast lurking in the dark, out for their blood and their souls? It was a thankfully brief naivete, for I was soon told of my potential. An agent of freedom for my newfound kind. I took initiative, going from a sister to a Mother to my convent. One by one I led them along with me into the darkness, and they too soon knew the glory of our goal. Being an elegant, fair leader in the shadows proved itself to be much better than following, lowly and cowed in the blinding light."

"Heh. You're acting like it's so much different than what people are capable of. Fuck, my embrace was an improvement. Yeah, even with this twisted face. Mom's face got ruined, too, but she didn't get powers to go along with it. Then the 'good guys' moved in, got rid of the army that did it and what did they do? Same shit, different face. It was when the leaders of my own people started stabbing the rest of us in the back that I ran. Fuck that. As a vampire I have the power to tear it down. I don't have to be some scared girl with a knife anymore. I can do some damage."

"It was scary at first. Disorienting. But throughout it all, she was there to hold my hand. She helped me feed for the first time. She reassured me that I wasn't a monster, even during those times I felt so much pressure in my chest I thought it would burst open. Always there for me, so patient... But between you and me... sometimes, just before daysleep takes me... I realize I was embraced to be a tool first, a Kindred second. It's a terrible thing for me to think. Awful for me to spit on the gift I was given. But I do often wonder what I would have become if my life hadn'y been taken away."

"I guess I was expecting it to be the end. It should have been, right? Dragged from my post and killed without a single bullet fired, only fangs to my neck. She made it easy, though. She held me and assured me that she would protect me from the beast. Before, I didn't know whether I believed in destiny or not, but the way all this came together, this warmth and compassion still in my chest even though my body heat left long ago... What else could it be? I won't lie... I did lose a lot. But I gained a purpose. I... I have no regrets."

"I really would rather not think about what it was like before my embrace. It's been so long that I've nearly forgotten anyway. Look what it allowed me to become! No longer tied down by a repulsive, decaying mortal body, sinful and depraved just by its existence. I've shaped myself into something beautiful, immaculate, able to bestow that blessing onto others. An angel of my own design. It's only a shame my gifts are so rarely appreciated by others, yet I would never want to go back. Not when I am so close to God."

"It... it really was a step up. Heh, that's messed up, huh? I'm going to be 13 years old forever, living in near-constant anxiety and occasionally wracked by hallucinations... and still, that's better than it was. At least I'm left alone most of the time. Kept fed and sheltered. Hell, I even have some actual friends now. I don't really have any place to complain. I can't imagine what it'd be like if I had to be on the streets, alone and dealing with all this. For someone who obviously wasn't meant to have a good life, I could be doing a lot worse."

"Oh, who cares? Why dwell on these things after a millennia or two? I may have been doing the same thing before my embrace, or I may not. I don't see why it's any of your concern. The important part is the motive, yes? It's not just about me, anymore. It turns out I had a... higher calling. Such an altruist, yes? It's good to see that someone had a use for my generosity, and that someone could be you. It /will/ be you, eventually. Everyone does."

"This wasn't supposed to happen. My life... I had everything together. I'd found my place, the way to raise myself into the best I could be. I'd taken someone under my wing, a broken little bird who I was going to teach confidence, greatness.. That's all gone now. I don't know exactly how or what, but part of me was shattered that night. The voice that guided me, encouraged me through the darkness into the light of potential and opportunity... replaced by some horrible beast scratching at my psyche, screaming for blood and violence. And for what? That... that /thing/ wanted to break me. Mission fucking accomplished. I should have died. It would have been a kindness."

"It has been bliss. It is one thing for a life to have meaning, to fight with everything you have and to one day have it end in death. But a cause unending! Stretched on and on by immortal life, a glorious, valiant struggle through the ages! Before my embrace I had thought my only path to immortality was martyrdom. I am no longer content to merely have my will done through memories. Action! Unceasing action and blood-locked allies that have served me well. This is my Valhalla."

"I don't quite know if 'cynical' is the right word for it. There's beauty in what I do, certainly. A nihilistic beauty knowing that I'm bringing such beautiful pain, the nerve endings of my victims a canvas as I light up their minds in agony. If anything this condition of mine has given me some kind of meaning. A long, long time ago, my passions were a bit less brutal. I watched the pain and wanted to stop it, and my cries went unanswered, ignored by the complacent and those jingling their bags of silver as we were bought and sold. But, as I said, that was years ago. No use thinking about it now. Truth is, people don't deserve as good as the fox around my neck. We may be monsters, but we're beautiful monsters. Might as well find some beauty in this filthy existence wherever you can pry it out."

"Ultimately? Not a lot, I guess. Except that I learned that vampires aren't as cool as you probably would have thought. For every good vampire story, there's a shitty one, so I guess the truth had to be inbetween there somewhere. Sadly the ones that grabbed me were the hardasses. Shuffled me off to some prep school, told me to sit down, be good, keep my shoes clean and don't let the normies know shit. There's some logic in that, I guess. It started pissing me off when they kept going off about some legacy of kings and the fine art of sucking Elder cock. No, thank you, sir. They must have been so pissed off when I left on them, but they haven't found me yet. Now, I'm pretty much back at square one, managing my online shit, except now my sleep schedule is borked and I live in a warehouse. Everyone thinks I'm the boss. Guess even in the Anarchs I can't escape my blood."

"Does it really matter? What a ridiculous thing to ask. I've cheated death, again and again and again. A true master of my own destiny, not a leader, but something better. A force of nature. Respected and feared, even by my so-called superiors. Oh, I have no need to be cruel like some of my brethren. They simply /know/ that I am better, unique and terrible.

(მე ვიცი, რომ მხოლოდ თქვენ შეგიძლიათ ეს სიტყვები . მე არ მინდა, უნდა გვახსოვდეს. გეამაყებათ მე? ვგრძნობ თქვენი ვიმსჯელებთ თვალები , ასობით წლის შემდეგ თქვენი სიკვდილი. ეს არ არის სახე გახსოვთ , მაგრამ მე მაინც არ გრძნობს ? მე ჯერ კიდევ მიყვარხარ . მე მაინც მენატრება თქვენ. მე ვერ გიშველის, მაგრამ მე გავაკეთებ იმისათვის, რომ შევინარჩუნოთ თქვენ ცოცხალია.)"