a guest Apr 21st, 2018 645 Never
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  1. i can't fucking do it anymore
  2. i just fucking can't
  3. ?
  4. i always wondered when i would find my limit
  5. i always figured it would be some kind of drug
  6. but no
  7. there's just no point anymore
  8. there's nothing left to fight for
  9. it's done
  10. it's over
  11. death is fucking permanent
  12. fucking. PERMANENT.
  13. no matter WHAT i do now it's too late
  14. i don't even know how i'm typing
  15. i don't even know why i'm typing
  16. i just want to drink
  17. what's happened...? why are you freaking out like this?
  18. and shoot heroin
  19. ashley killed herself
  20. woah shit
  21. how'd you find out? is it true?
  22. her brother found her
  23. i can't even fucking see the computer screen
  24. i just dont know what to do
  25. i don't know either hun... i really don't
  26. but i doubt offing yourself too is the answer, that's never the answer.
  27. i justr want ot know why
  28. but i already fucking know
  29. she left a note
  30. her brohther refused to read it to me
  31. wtf why
  32. the last time i saw
  33. god this fucking hurts
  34. i feel like if i type it it'll be totally real
  35. aj;c
  36. it was because i told her i was never coming back
  37. what the fucki swrong wihtr me
  38. i just want her here
  39. in my arms
  40. i would go to the end of the earth
  41. i would kill anyone who got in my way
  42. and bleed myserlf dry
  43. for that
  44. why was i so fuckign selfish
  45. why did i let shit that DINT EVEN MATTER
  46. FUCK
  47. im joining her soon
  48. life without her just isnt worth living
  49. don't do that hun
  50. there's plenty more to live for
  51. like what?
  52. heroin?
  53. booze?
  54. skanks?
  55. "god"?
  56. she is the only thing that matters
  57. no, not drugs and all that shit, you're too stuck in that rut to see anything else
  58. fuck it i dont even want to
  60. i will never hold her again
  61. ill never see her smile again
  62. i just can't keep going anymore
  63. i'm spent
  64. yeah, i could go on
  65. a soulless husk of a human being
  66. more pain
  67. more endless fucking pain
  68. pain is all i fucking know
  69. and ashley was the only one that ever made it go away
  70. i didnt hurt
  71. yeah, drugs, crazy sex, selling weed, whatever
  72. that shit wasnt why i loved her
  73. i love her because she is ashley
  74. and now she's gone
  75. what am i supposed to do
  76. when the one person i have ever loved
  77. is gone forever
  78. i can wait to die
  79. existing
  80. i dont want ot exist
  81. i just weant her nbakc
  82. i really want to help and make some kind of arguement to change your mind hun but i really don't know what to say
  83. i still dont think that doing that is what you should do though
  84. i dnt want anymo re people to suffer because of my stupidity
  85. i might as well just lay it out
  86. look at my life
  87. write down the parts owrht remembering
  88. put the bottle to my head and pull the trigger
  89. theyll find me in a dumpster, surrounded by whiskye bottles
  90. a fitting end for garbage like me
  91. and ill ber with heer again
  92. you're not garbage
  93. and letting yourself down like that isn't the way to go when you've fought through all the other shit that's dragged you down to get here
  94. let myself down?
  95. i dont give half a fuck about myslef
  96. i let ashley down
  97. i hurt her
  98. badly
  99. to the point where she slit her wrists
  100. theres notihng lef of me to lewt down
  101. i cant numb myslf
  104. dont think about it
  105. you're grieving and that's normal but don't dwell
  106. you're making yourself worse
  107. it's fuicking over
  108. life's been throwing shit at me since i was born
  109. each turd biggeer than the ladst
  110. im not a fucking superman
  111. with ashley i had a reasn
  112. you don't know that there's no other girl out there.
  113. or no other goal in general
  114. i dont wnt another girl
  115. i can get nookie and relatisonsips any time i ufkcing want
  116. its ashley
  117. i told her i loved her
  118. the on person in my life ive said that to nd really meant it
  119. fucking puked
  120. i really want to help you, but i dont think im the right person to
  121. i want you to find a grief counselor or something to really help
  122. i know counselors are shit but at the very least it can be someone to explain this stuff to face to face
  123. you knowme
  124. id rather tal to someone who knows me
  125. im bynod salvaging at this oint
  126. agreed, i usually would too
  127. i'm just worried i'll make things worse for you
  129. capz*
  130. cos i care about you but i'm shit at helping except letting you vent, but letting you vent scares me because im afraid you're getting more angry the more you go
  131. i dont know
  132. i doubt it.
  133. im nto angry
  134. i
  135. i dont know what iam
  136. ti feels like my soul was just sucked out of me
  137. you're in a state of grief
  138. i cant make hesd or tails out of any of htis
  139. i know, its too fresh
  140. it's really fucked up and i dont think anything i could say could encompass just how fucked up it is
  141. just give it time, everything takes time
  142. she wil always be on my mind
  143. another source of pain
  144. three years after the bullshit with my ex and it still took everything i had not to break down in public when i saw the whore who ruined everything looking so happy and carefree
  145. only thsi one is jsut to mcuh
  146. ijust want hetr back
  147. it hurts now, just give it time like i said
  148. i dont have much time left
  149. thsi is checkmate
  150. its only checkmate if you make it
  151. it doesnt have to be
  152. i jsut cant hurt anymore
  153. i cant take it anymore
  154. puked agan
  155. look at me
  156. i know it hurts, it hurts more than i can comprehend, but dont let this consume you, please
  157. you're really scaring me, i dont want you to do this
  158. sooner or later il pas out
  159. i dont have enough drugs here to seirously hurt myself
  160. all i really have left to say
  161. is that i know we dont talk that much any more
  162. if i can et to sleep i might make it
  163. and that i might not be that good of a friend to you
  164. but i still care a ton about you
  165. and i dont want to see you tear yourself down like this
  166. no matter how much it hurts.
  167. maybe getting to bed would be a good idea.
  168. i know aa soon as li ay down im goign to thin kof her in my arms
  169. dont think, think of anything else, force yourself to.
  170. and hten im going to break down
  171. ive got tears going but im not crying
  172. i never cry
  173. ever
  174. and im forcing myself not to think of her
  175. but it will hit em
  176. and idon t know if ill ever styop crying
  177. you will
  178. it stops sometimes
  179. maybe letting it out and crying might help, focus on the crying instead of her
  180. i really dont know hun.
  181. if you dont want to cry maybe have on some kind of background music, white noise to focus on
  182. its easier to focus on music than thoughts, it has no words, just flow
  183. probanly something other than "whiskey lullabye"
  184. i can give you what i'm listening to, that drone zone on
  185. it has enough that you can keep yourself aurally occupied but its quiet enough that you can fall asleep
  186. i just yacked
  187. agin
  188. you'll probably be doing a lot of that. it's like trauma, you're extremely stressed
  189. maybe you should get to sleep, let your stomach settle
  190. laying down always helps mine
  191. i have smoked a whole pack of cigz in the last hour
  192. jeezus christ
  193. on top of the heroin no wonder your stomach's upset
  194. im drunk too
  195. heavily
  196. i hurt so much
  197. i figured
  198. but right now its bearable
  199. i know when i wake up im going to be a basket case
  200. who the fuck am i kidding, im a basket case now
  201. but relief
  202. push the pain away for another moment
  203. if you've got that square of relief you should take it to pass out, sleep helps when your brain is so fried
  204. plus i have to get to bed too, the sun's coming up and i'm exhausted and i dont want to leave you here without someone to talk to
  205. i just dont want to cry
  206. i'm totally overwhelmed
  207. its okay to cry but if you dont want to you dont have to
  208. i should probably stop slugging wild turkey
  209. prooobably
  210. thats a depressant anyways
  211. i have a feeling there'll be a lot of booze in my future
  212. probably
  213. and heroin, knowing you
  214. theres something about alcohol that heroin just doesnt have
  215. heroin masks the pain
  216. alcohol numbs it
  217. oh my god the funeral
  218. dont think about that
  219. oh fuck
  220. i dont want to see her dead
  221. that would instantly and irreversibly destroy me
  222. yeah, thats not a good idea
  223. at all
  224. fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
  225. xanax time
  226. i dont know what to od
  227. im starting to hallucinate
  228. just get some sleep and try to sort shit out later
  229. jeez
  230. christ
  231. i just want to hold her
  232. i know hun, i know
  233. im sorry to sorta bail on you right now but ive gotta go to bed, im literally passing out at my desk
  234. ok
  235. thanks
  236. i think
  237. i think if you hadnt talked with me i might have shot myslef
  238. im glad i could help you hun
  239. and im glad you didnt
  240. try to get some rest, please?
  241. ill try
  242. gonna ride the horse one more time here
  243. alright
  244. gnight hun, dont stay up too much longer
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