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  1. frogmachine420@live.com i can't fucking do it anymore
  2. frogmachine420@live.com i just fucking can't
  3. annilylf@live.com ?
  4. frogmachine420@live.com i always wondered when i would find my limit
  5. frogmachine420@live.com i always figured it would be some kind of drug
  6. frogmachine420@live.com but no
  7. frogmachine420@live.com there's just no point anymore
  8. frogmachine420@live.com there's nothing left to fight for
  9. frogmachine420@live.com it's done
  10. frogmachine420@live.com it's over
  11. frogmachine420@live.com death is fucking permanent
  12. frogmachine420@live.com fucking. PERMANENT.
  13. frogmachine420@live.com no matter WHAT i do now it's too late
  14. frogmachine420@live.com i don't even know how i'm typing
  15. frogmachine420@live.com i don't even know why i'm typing
  16. frogmachine420@live.com i just want to drink
  17. annilylf@live.com what's happened...? why are you freaking out like this?
  18. frogmachine420@live.com and shoot heroin
  19. frogmachine420@live.com ashley killed herself
  20. annilylf@live.com woah shit
  21. annilylf@live.com how'd you find out? is it true?
  22. frogmachine420@live.com her brother found her
  23. frogmachine420@live.com i can't even fucking see the computer screen
  24. frogmachine420@live.com i just dont know what to do
  25. annilylf@live.com i don't know either hun... i really don't
  26. annilylf@live.com but i doubt offing yourself too is the answer, that's never the answer.
  27. frogmachine420@live.com i justr want ot know why
  28. frogmachine420@live.com but i already fucking know
  29. frogmachine420@live.com she left a note
  30. frogmachine420@live.com her brohther refused to read it to me
  31. annilylf@live.com wtf why
  32. frogmachine420@live.com the last time i saw
  33. frogmachine420@live.com god this fucking hurts
  34. frogmachine420@live.com i feel like if i type it it'll be totally real
  35. frogmachine420@live.com aj;c
  36. frogmachine420@live.com it was because i told her i was never coming back
  37. frogmachine420@live.com what the fucki swrong wihtr me
  38. frogmachine420@live.com i just want her here
  39. frogmachine420@live.com in my arms
  40. frogmachine420@live.com i would go to the end of the earth
  41. frogmachine420@live.com i would kill anyone who got in my way
  42. frogmachine420@live.com and bleed myserlf dry
  43. frogmachine420@live.com for that
  44. frogmachine420@live.com why was i so fuckign selfish
  45. frogmachine420@live.com why did i let shit that DINT EVEN MATTER
  46. frogmachine420@live.com FUCK
  47. frogmachine420@live.com im joining her soon
  48. frogmachine420@live.com life without her just isnt worth living
  49. annilylf@live.com don't do that hun
  50. annilylf@live.com there's plenty more to live for
  51. frogmachine420@live.com like what?
  52. frogmachine420@live.com heroin?
  53. frogmachine420@live.com booze?
  54. frogmachine420@live.com skanks?
  55. frogmachine420@live.com "god"?
  56. frogmachine420@live.com she is the only thing that matters
  57. annilylf@live.com no, not drugs and all that shit, you're too stuck in that rut to see anything else
  58. frogmachine420@live.com fuck it i dont even want to
  59. frogmachine420@live.com FUCKING PERMANENT
  60. frogmachine420@live.com i will never hold her again
  61. frogmachine420@live.com ill never see her smile again
  62. frogmachine420@live.com i just can't keep going anymore
  63. frogmachine420@live.com i'm spent
  64. frogmachine420@live.com yeah, i could go on
  65. frogmachine420@live.com a soulless husk of a human being
  66. frogmachine420@live.com more pain
  67. frogmachine420@live.com more endless fucking pain
  68. frogmachine420@live.com pain is all i fucking know
  69. frogmachine420@live.com and ashley was the only one that ever made it go away
  70. frogmachine420@live.com i didnt hurt
  71. frogmachine420@live.com yeah, drugs, crazy sex, selling weed, whatever
  72. frogmachine420@live.com that shit wasnt why i loved her
  73. frogmachine420@live.com i love her because she is ashley
  74. frogmachine420@live.com and now she's gone
  75. frogmachine420@live.com what am i supposed to do
  76. frogmachine420@live.com when the one person i have ever loved
  77. frogmachine420@live.com is gone forever
  78. frogmachine420@live.com i can wait to die
  79. frogmachine420@live.com existing
  80. frogmachine420@live.com i dont want ot exist
  81. frogmachine420@live.com i just weant her nbakc
  82. annilylf@live.com i really want to help and make some kind of arguement to change your mind hun but i really don't know what to say
  83. annilylf@live.com i still dont think that doing that is what you should do though
  84. frogmachine420@live.com i dnt want anymo re people to suffer because of my stupidity
  85. frogmachine420@live.com i might as well just lay it out
  86. frogmachine420@live.com look at my life
  87. frogmachine420@live.com write down the parts owrht remembering
  88. frogmachine420@live.com put the bottle to my head and pull the trigger
  89. frogmachine420@live.com theyll find me in a dumpster, surrounded by whiskye bottles
  90. frogmachine420@live.com a fitting end for garbage like me
  91. frogmachine420@live.com and ill ber with heer again
  92. annilylf@live.com you're not garbage
  93. annilylf@live.com and letting yourself down like that isn't the way to go when you've fought through all the other shit that's dragged you down to get here
  94. frogmachine420@live.com let myself down?
  95. frogmachine420@live.com i dont give half a fuck about myslef
  96. frogmachine420@live.com i let ashley down
  97. frogmachine420@live.com i hurt her
  98. frogmachine420@live.com badly
  99. frogmachine420@live.com to the point where she slit her wrists
  100. frogmachine420@live.com theres notihng lef of me to lewt down
  101. frogmachine420@live.com i cant numb myslf
  102. frogmachine420@live.com WHY CANT I FUCKING NUMB MYSELF
  103. frogmachine420@live.com HOW MUCH FUCKING HEROIN DO I HAVBE TO FUCKING SHOOT
  104. annilylf@live.com dont think about it
  105. annilylf@live.com you're grieving and that's normal but don't dwell
  106. annilylf@live.com you're making yourself worse
  107. frogmachine420@live.com it's fuicking over
  108. frogmachine420@live.com life's been throwing shit at me since i was born
  109. frogmachine420@live.com each turd biggeer than the ladst
  110. frogmachine420@live.com im not a fucking superman
  111. frogmachine420@live.com with ashley i had a reasn
  112. annilylf@live.com you don't know that there's no other girl out there.
  113. annilylf@live.com or no other goal in general
  114. frogmachine420@live.com i dont wnt another girl
  115. frogmachine420@live.com i can get nookie and relatisonsips any time i ufkcing want
  116. frogmachine420@live.com its ashley
  117. frogmachine420@live.com i told her i loved her
  118. frogmachine420@live.com the on person in my life ive said that to nd really meant it
  119. frogmachine420@live.com fucking puked
  120. annilylf@live.com i really want to help you, but i dont think im the right person to
  121. annilylf@live.com i want you to find a grief counselor or something to really help
  122. annilylf@live.com i know counselors are shit but at the very least it can be someone to explain this stuff to face to face
  123. frogmachine420@live.com you knowme
  124. frogmachine420@live.com id rather tal to someone who knows me
  125. frogmachine420@live.com im bynod salvaging at this oint
  126. annilylf@live.com agreed, i usually would too
  127. annilylf@live.com i'm just worried i'll make things worse for you
  128. frogmachine420@live.com DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU COULD ***POSSIBLY*** MAKE THIS ANY WORSE
  129. frogmachine420@live.com capz*
  130. annilylf@live.com cos i care about you but i'm shit at helping except letting you vent, but letting you vent scares me because im afraid you're getting more angry the more you go
  131. annilylf@live.com i dont know
  132. annilylf@live.com i doubt it.
  133. frogmachine420@live.com im nto angry
  134. frogmachine420@live.com i
  135. frogmachine420@live.com i dont know what iam
  136. frogmachine420@live.com ti feels like my soul was just sucked out of me
  137. annilylf@live.com you're in a state of grief
  138. frogmachine420@live.com i cant make hesd or tails out of any of htis
  139. annilylf@live.com i know, its too fresh
  140. annilylf@live.com it's really fucked up and i dont think anything i could say could encompass just how fucked up it is
  141. annilylf@live.com just give it time, everything takes time
  142. frogmachine420@live.com she wil always be on my mind
  143. frogmachine420@live.com another source of pain
  144. annilylf@live.com three years after the bullshit with my ex and it still took everything i had not to break down in public when i saw the whore who ruined everything looking so happy and carefree
  145. frogmachine420@live.com only thsi one is jsut to mcuh
  146. frogmachine420@live.com ijust want hetr back
  147. annilylf@live.com it hurts now, just give it time like i said
  148. frogmachine420@live.com i dont have much time left
  149. frogmachine420@live.com thsi is checkmate
  150. annilylf@live.com its only checkmate if you make it
  151. annilylf@live.com it doesnt have to be
  152. frogmachine420@live.com i jsut cant hurt anymore
  153. frogmachine420@live.com i cant take it anymore
  154. frogmachine420@live.com puked agan
  155. frogmachine420@live.com look at me
  156. annilylf@live.com i know it hurts, it hurts more than i can comprehend, but dont let this consume you, please
  157. annilylf@live.com you're really scaring me, i dont want you to do this
  158. frogmachine420@live.com sooner or later il pas out
  159. frogmachine420@live.com i dont have enough drugs here to seirously hurt myself
  160. annilylf@live.com all i really have left to say
  161. annilylf@live.com is that i know we dont talk that much any more
  162. frogmachine420@live.com if i can et to sleep i might make it
  163. annilylf@live.com and that i might not be that good of a friend to you
  164. annilylf@live.com but i still care a ton about you
  165. annilylf@live.com and i dont want to see you tear yourself down like this
  166. annilylf@live.com no matter how much it hurts.
  167. annilylf@live.com maybe getting to bed would be a good idea.
  168. frogmachine420@live.com i know aa soon as li ay down im goign to thin kof her in my arms
  169. annilylf@live.com dont think, think of anything else, force yourself to.
  170. frogmachine420@live.com and hten im going to break down
  171. frogmachine420@live.com ive got tears going but im not crying
  172. frogmachine420@live.com i never cry
  173. frogmachine420@live.com ever
  174. frogmachine420@live.com and im forcing myself not to think of her
  175. frogmachine420@live.com but it will hit em
  176. frogmachine420@live.com and idon t know if ill ever styop crying
  177. annilylf@live.com you will
  178. annilylf@live.com it stops sometimes
  179. annilylf@live.com maybe letting it out and crying might help, focus on the crying instead of her
  180. annilylf@live.com i really dont know hun.
  181. annilylf@live.com if you dont want to cry maybe have on some kind of background music, white noise to focus on
  182. annilylf@live.com its easier to focus on music than thoughts, it has no words, just flow
  183. frogmachine420@live.com probanly something other than "whiskey lullabye"
  184. annilylf@live.com i can give you what i'm listening to, that drone zone on soma.fm
  185. annilylf@live.com it has enough that you can keep yourself aurally occupied but its quiet enough that you can fall asleep
  186. frogmachine420@live.com i just yacked
  187. frogmachine420@live.com agin
  188. annilylf@live.com you'll probably be doing a lot of that. it's like trauma, you're extremely stressed
  189. annilylf@live.com maybe you should get to sleep, let your stomach settle
  190. annilylf@live.com laying down always helps mine
  191. frogmachine420@live.com i have smoked a whole pack of cigz in the last hour
  192. annilylf@live.com jeezus christ
  193. annilylf@live.com on top of the heroin no wonder your stomach's upset
  194. frogmachine420@live.com im drunk too
  195. frogmachine420@live.com heavily
  196. frogmachine420@live.com i hurt so much
  197. annilylf@live.com i figured
  198. frogmachine420@live.com but right now its bearable
  199. frogmachine420@live.com i know when i wake up im going to be a basket case
  200. frogmachine420@live.com who the fuck am i kidding, im a basket case now
  201. frogmachine420@live.com but relief
  202. frogmachine420@live.com push the pain away for another moment
  203. annilylf@live.com if you've got that square of relief you should take it to pass out, sleep helps when your brain is so fried
  204. annilylf@live.com plus i have to get to bed too, the sun's coming up and i'm exhausted and i dont want to leave you here without someone to talk to
  205. frogmachine420@live.com i just dont want to cry
  206. frogmachine420@live.com i'm totally overwhelmed
  207. annilylf@live.com its okay to cry but if you dont want to you dont have to
  208. frogmachine420@live.com i should probably stop slugging wild turkey
  209. annilylf@live.com prooobably
  210. annilylf@live.com thats a depressant anyways
  211. frogmachine420@live.com i have a feeling there'll be a lot of booze in my future
  212. annilylf@live.com probably
  213. annilylf@live.com and heroin, knowing you
  214. frogmachine420@live.com theres something about alcohol that heroin just doesnt have
  215. frogmachine420@live.com heroin masks the pain
  216. frogmachine420@live.com alcohol numbs it
  217. frogmachine420@live.com oh my god the funeral
  218. annilylf@live.com dont think about that
  219. frogmachine420@live.com oh fuck
  220. frogmachine420@live.com i dont want to see her dead
  221. frogmachine420@live.com that would instantly and irreversibly destroy me
  222. annilylf@live.com yeah, thats not a good idea
  223. annilylf@live.com at all
  224. frogmachine420@live.com fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
  225. frogmachine420@live.com xanax time
  226. frogmachine420@live.com i dont know what to od
  227. frogmachine420@live.com im starting to hallucinate
  228. annilylf@live.com just get some sleep and try to sort shit out later
  229. annilylf@live.com jeez
  230. frogmachine420@live.com christ
  231. frogmachine420@live.com i just want to hold her
  232. annilylf@live.com i know hun, i know
  233. annilylf@live.com im sorry to sorta bail on you right now but ive gotta go to bed, im literally passing out at my desk
  234. frogmachine420@live.com ok
  235. frogmachine420@live.com thanks
  236. frogmachine420@live.com i think
  237. frogmachine420@live.com i think if you hadnt talked with me i might have shot myslef
  238. annilylf@live.com im glad i could help you hun
  239. annilylf@live.com and im glad you didnt
  240. annilylf@live.com try to get some rest, please?
  241. frogmachine420@live.com ill try
  242. frogmachine420@live.com gonna ride the horse one more time here
  243. annilylf@live.com alright
  244. annilylf@live.com gnight hun, dont stay up too much longer
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