Memories of Higgins: That One Call

Hey.

It’s me.

I know you’re there.

Please pick up. Come on.

Please.

Okay, look. You know what, you were right. I was—I AM selfish. I know you want me to quit it… want me to drop it all and not join this deployment. I know you want us to settle down, to get away from all the messes we’ve been through, to make right for all the mistakes. You know, I want that too. I mean, I know I did you wrong… I did everyone wrong back there. I went away without looking back, but I know, I KNOW Dad had this glare of disappointment directed at me while he was hugging Mom. But I didn’t look back. Because I thought back then that they didn’t understand… YOU didn’t understand. Now, when I look back on it, I suppose I made a mistake. Still, I stand by my decision, because I know that it’ll be the right thing to do, for all of us.

You said I was a coward for running away. Said that I didn’t really see the bigger picture… That my life revolved only around being a sailor. Looking back on it, I’m starting to see the wisdom in those words. I AM a coward, after all. I guess when you’ve been in the same situation I’ve been, you’ll understand. I enlisted as soon as I got out of high school… spent a good deal of my life at sea. Every time I came home I’d miss the sound of the waves lashing against the ship’s hull, the cloudless nights I’d spend on watch with the sky filled endlessly with stars, the fast pace I had to keep when we conducted drills. I felt scared of losing that, losing the only life I THOUGHT was worth living. You knew me growing up; life for us as kids wasn’t pretty. Joining up was the only way out I saw, and I took it. My life was going nowhere back there, and I thought that leaving it all would end it, but I guess some ghosts just won’t go away until you face them head-on.

Through it all, you were the only reason I didn’t let go of my old life entirely. You never left my side, even when my parents thought I was a lost case. You kept me hanging on to whatever thin string of goodness I still had within me. It’s that one thing that made me attracted to you: you always saw the good in people. You always had a good word to say. At least, you did back then. Now you’re just as embittered and cross as me. I can’t help but blame myself for ruining that. You gave me every chance you could, and I blew each one of them. I need to owe up to all of those soon, but you have to understand, I need to do it my own way.

Listen, you might still think what I’m doing is selfishness on my part. You’re partly right, but you have to understand, I… this… well... see, I’ve got this plan. I have an old friend, he lives in Sasebo, and he’s offering me something I can’t possibly refuse. A new house, by the seaside, in a quaint little community, far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. What I’m saying… what I’m saying is, we should start anew, elsewhere. You said I didn’t have a purpose to my life. Well, I just found it. Once I get to Japan, I’ll have my friend help me arrange the papers needed to get you and Tristan over here, and we’ll start our lives over. But first, after I finish this deployment I’ll tie up any loose ends I left behind at home. No more running, no more evasive maneuvers. It’s time I manned up and faced the music, don’t you agree?

You always said I should have hope within me… hope that things will definitely look up in the end. All I needed to do was have faith. Well, looks like you were right. I hate to agree, but I guess deep inside I was hoping against hope that things will turn up for the better, no matter how much I told myself I just had to go with the flow. And now they are. I want to share this chance with you and Tristan. I don’t want my son to grow up the same way I did. I want this family to be whole again and… and this, this right here, is the chance I’ve been waiting for. So I’m telling you right now, just… just have a little faith in me. Have a little more faith in US. You didn’t give up on me back then… It’s time for me to return the favor. I know there’s still that faith left in you. Don’t give up on us. Please.

Look, I… I gotta go; boss’s calling us up for muster and… Anyway, I’ll try to call you back again when we reach Yokosuka. I don’t know if you’ll be willing to listen by then but, I’ll still call. I’m gonna miss you Kaycie. Say hi to the little guy for me. Talk to you both soon.

--Chief Boatswain’s Mate Tyrese Murrow was originally slated to stand watch on the starboard side of USS Higgins’ bridge on the day she departed for Yokosuka, before last-minute changes moved him belowdecks instead. When the fighting was underway, Chief Murrow supervised damage control teams stationed in the bow section of the ship. As Higgins took more hits, he personally assisted in the moving of wounded crewmates to safer parts of the ship. It was on one of these evacuation runs that Chief Murrow would lose his life, getting caught in secondary explosions near the forward berthing spaces that had taken direct hits from earlier in the engagement. He did manage to make one last save, however, as he pushed a dazed crewmate into an open hatch to keep him from getting caught in the blasts. He was 31.--