okay i feel like a fucking retard typing this out but my life has been fucking terrible as of late, nothing positive what so fucking ever and anything that goes positive dies very quickly, its fucking retarded, lets start with any relationship I've ever fucking had, either I feel like the girl deserves so much more than me or I just cut her off because im fucking retarded, then lets talk about my family life, okay so my brother has a disease which is pretty much boarderline autism and he acts as if he is younger than he is, lets start from a couple years ago he began to meet girls online, and yeah, so pretty much one day he randomly left to go to arkansa okay and that was like what the fuck okay, then he was getting beaten by the father of the dad for no reason, and then my cousin went down there and picked him up and got the police to escort him out of the property and get all of his shit and come back to ohio, around a month later he left again but this time the leaving was horrible my dad was very drunk and he pretty much just shoved him around and just told him to leave. He left and then a couple months later he came back to ohio with this girl, I forget if I typed this but she was around 16 at the time, my brother was probably like 23 or something like that, and then they free loaded in my grandpas extra house (my aunt owned it as well and was planning on selling it) and then they began to buy bunnies and breed them, why? Because my brother has no fucking comon sense okay, anyways he completely trashed the fucking house and left my family with lots of drama and my aunt hasn't talked to my mom in forever which hurts her more than anything else which fucking breaks me, and then my brother doesn't give a fuck and acts like nothing is happening so he then got kicked outta the house he was staying in and then lived in his car for about a week and just now left to go back to Arkansa. holy fucking shit he's so retarded. Anyways that'll never end well now lets start with my sister, my sister is totally mental and is dating this psychopath who "beats" her 24/7 aparentally and yeah, but in the past when I was in around 8th grade I believe the boy friend stabbed himself in the arm right behind me and I saw blood flying out of his hand and it went all over our carpet causing the police to come to my house and my entire block was filled with police and shit, but thats not just it, my sister also cheats on him with any guy she meets and im scared for her life if she ever gets caught, and then my life, okay my life is fucking pathetic, all of my friends are so fucking fake i'll make plans with them one day and i'll ask them about them the next day and it'll never happen, honestly i have no friends that I hang out with outside of school, okay then i lost my best friend because I decided to push everyone out of my life because of all the drama and I just felt as if I had no self worth which I still do, the only thing that keeps me going is that fact that my parents would be traumatized if I died, I dont like my life and I haven't in forever my parents don't know this and they don't know how fucking sad I am, and how I dred waking up just to live the same old fucking life over and over again, but back to my best friend, I tried texting her recently and she just totally said fuck off and pretty much dont text me ever again so thats fucking amazing, then my other friends are all fake and only text me when they have no one else to talk to, Something that happens in my life to much is I'll meet a new girl and she will begin to catch feelings and so will I but then I'll realize how fucking amazing they are and then I just decide that they are just to good for me and deserve someone that can make them happier than me, I just think that im pathetic, I just don't think anyone IRL cares about me and online life is cool but can they come over and give you a big hug making sure you'll be okay, can they fucking hang out with you and have some fun somewhere, It's just fucking horrible. I could keep going but I would be repeating myself but I dont want attention for this If I sent it to you I just wanted you to know how I feel I dont want you to feel sad for me or anything I just want you to stay in my life for as long as you can. Please.