Buddy Games

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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Throughout history,
humans have had a primal instinct to hunt,

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to compete, to dominate.

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Initially,
survival was a daily necessity.

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Kill or be killed.
There was no choice.

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And through these battles,
through all the aggression

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against the opposition,
a respect developed.

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An unexpected camaraderie
was born.

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And around the world,
brotherhoods were forged.

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But now that we're civilized
and spoiled

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by the luxuries
of the modern world,

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those instincts
have been dulled.

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However, that primal need
to dominate remains.

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Even today, people around
the world need an outlet,

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an arena to crush
the competition.

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And I'm not talking
about fantasy football.

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I'm talking about
real competition.

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Blood, sweat, and beer.

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This is the story
about my group of friends.

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And for the last 20 years,
we found that outlet

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to unleash our need
to conquer, to win,

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to be crowned king,

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and to ruthlessly demoralize
our best buddies.

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But at the end of the day,
we are lifelong friends,

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and nothing could come
between our brotherhood.

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Well, almost nothing.

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Where are you?

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Oh, okay.

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Oh, okay. Get some.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Fuck you!

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Fuck!

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Damn it!

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Ow! Fuck!
Aaah! Aaah! Stop!

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Fucking stop shooting!
Aaah!

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Too much!

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Oh, fuck.

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Yeah!

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- Who's the king?
- You're the king!

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I want to say a couple words here.

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I should not be
standing here

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collecting another
championship,

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but I am,
thanks to guys like Doc.

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I had you, Shelly.
I had you.

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You had me dead
in the fucking water,

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- I did, Shelly.
- right there by the tree stump,

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and then you... what happened?
You panicked, right? You spazzed out?

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That is a good quality
in a doctor, you must admit.

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Your patients are very lucky.
We'll let it go, and Zane...

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- That's my name!
- "In Zane" in the membrane.

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You idiot.
You're such an idiot.

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This fucking guy!

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And, Durfy, I was really hoping
you'd win, man.

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- Oh, thank you.
- 'Cause I wanted to go down on the champion.

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Since I'm the champion,
you can go down on me.

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- Yeah, I'll start now.
- Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

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It's "ding!" Like a bullet off Superman.
That's what that was.

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Where's big Bob?
Big Bob! Bobfather!

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- Yes!
- The man we owe it all to.

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The man who put
all this shit together.

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- Bobby, thank you. I love you, brother.
- Love you too, buddy.

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And last but not least,
Dixon Bender "like Beckham."

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Get over here, Bender.
Bender,

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I, uh, I've won, uh,

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six championships
in six years.

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What do you have
to say about that?

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- Well, Shelly, I...
- Oh, we're all out of time.

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So sorry, Bender.
Love you, Bobby!

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- Whoo!
- I need a beer.

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Hey, hey, hey, hey.

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Bender, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry about earlier.

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I was just trying to make sure
you were actually dead, you know.

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Well, you did.
You shot me, like, 30 times, Shelly.

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- Thirty times. You painted a fucking house.
- Yeah.

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It hurt.

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Aw, sweet, sweet Bender.
Come on.

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Come on over here.
You didn't deserve that.

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- I'll never do it again, okay?
- All right.

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- You hear me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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'Cause you are the toughest
son of a bitch I know,

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and you wear your heart
on your shoe.

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Aaah! Fuck!

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You can be such
an asshole, dude. Fuck!

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- You're 33?
- Yeah.

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- Wow!
- You're so good looking for an older guy.

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- Yeah! Totally.
- I am not.

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- Yeah, you are.
- No, I'm not.

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You look like
a movie star.

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You seriously think
I look like a movie star?

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Yeah, totally!

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- You're hot!
- Wow, thank you!

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- What do you do?
- Oh, I operate a backhoe.

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I dig a lot of, uh,
sewer mains and cesspools.

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It's, uh, anywhere where waste
generally dissipates into the soil.

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- Like poo? Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

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Pretty good job.

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Your grandparents let you
throw parties like this here?

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- Yeah. Yeah.
- Really?

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Well, every summer,
last 15 years.

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- Oh, my...
- Hello! Who's this beautiful lady?

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- Hi, I'm Tiff.
- Tiff?

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Tiff, do you know
who this is?

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- That's Bob.
- This is Bob.

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Bob is the bestest,
sweetest son of a bitch

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- in the whole, wide world.
- Are you gonna kiss me on the lips?

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I'm gonna kiss you right on your
lips, you big, handsome...

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- You guys should kiss.
- I love this guy.

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Okay. Nikki calls.

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Jesus Christ.

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Careful...

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Hey, who's got my bucket?

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There you are, baby.

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Sheldon Baldinger.

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Why, Nikki Baldinger?
Hi, wifey.

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I think it's time
we have a little chat.

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Yeah? What do you want
to talk about?

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I think it's time for
my big, strong champion

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to take his trophy...
inside.

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- Shelly! Shelly! We got a sleeper. Right there.
- Dude.

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Mark did a bunch of absinthe.
He's basically in a coma.

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So fire up the nut sac.

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Time for the old
meat goggles.

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Rain check, babe. I'm sorry.
I can't disappoint my fans.

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Whoo! Who wants
some balls and gravy?

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Balls! Balls! Balls!
Balls! Balls! Balls!

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Ugh.

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Unbelievable.
Look at this guy.

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Why do I do this? Every year,
I get dragged down to these things.

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Bunch of grown men
acting like teenage chimps.

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Yeah, they're animals.

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Poor Mark's passed out. Now he has
balls smeared all over his forehead.

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He's a schoolteacher.

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It's a good thing
Mark's students aren't here.

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All he cares about is work

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and beating his buddies at the Buddy
Games, especially you, Bender.

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I haven't showered
for three days!

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Why don't you
teach him a lesson?

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From us. Come on.
It'll be fun.

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- What, shoot him? I can't do that.
- Okay.

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Two for one.
Two nuts, one guy.

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Look familiar, Bender?

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- What if I did?
- Yeah, do it.

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Left hook. Uppercut.

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Body blow. Aaah!

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What?

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Shel! Shelly!

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Bender, you fucked him up
real good, man.

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Jesus Christ,
what am I looking at?

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- What's going on?
- Nothing.

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You know,
I was doing the math

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on how many years
we've been coming here,

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- and it's five years of Sundays.
- I know.

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She's making
the same casserole.

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Oh, God.

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My mom really
appreciates it though.

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And I appreciate you
for coming with me.

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I was thinking
that maybe we could

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- add something to the Sunday routine.
- Like what?

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I'm just gonna keep sliding down
the counter until you figure it out.

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We could see
how we like that.

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Yeah. You want
to do it right here?

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You want to add something
to the Sunday routine?

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I'm staring at a picture of myself
as a child staring back at me.

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It's horrifying.

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Oh, God!

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Okay, my buns are warm.

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Bless your heart!

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Oh, I always forget
to heat those up.

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Not a big deal.
I mean, look at your casserole.

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- Isn't it good today?
- Oh...

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- Did you do something different this time?
- No.

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No, you baked a pie.
How am I gonna compete with you?

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Oh, I bought
that pie, sweetie.

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Bill hates my pie.

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What? What's that?

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I said,
you hate my pie.

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Oh, yeah.
Store pie's better.

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You know, I always think
that pie is pie.

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You know,
as long as it's warm

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and lots of whipped cream,
you know.

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- Mmm.
- Bob loves my pie, right?

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- I do love your pie. Very much.
- Yeah, Bob loves my pie.

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Sounds like you guys
are talking about vagina.

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- Oh, Bill!
- What?

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Oh, good Lord!
I know what you meant.

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No, we were actually
talking about vagina.

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- No, we weren't.
- Oh, stop it.

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Bobby, when are you
gonna marry this girl?

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Mom, please.

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- Peas?
- No, Dad. I don't want peas.

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I want grandbabies,
for goodness sake.

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I know you want grandbabies.
You say that every weekend.

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- What are you guys waiting for?
- Mother...

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Mary Ann Baldinger?

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00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,395
Uh, give me one second.

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00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:06,232
Why don't you take him away
somewhere romantic?

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00:11:08,117 --> 00:11:10,653
Mrs. Baldinger. This is a surprise.
How are you?

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Not so good, Bobby.
Sheldon needs you. Now.

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- We're at Silver Linings.
- Silver Linings? Like, the rehab?

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00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:20,079
Yes. I'll explain when you get here.
Come now.

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00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:24,967
- I'm sorry, you guys. I have to run.
- What?

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00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:26,967
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, I'll see you back at the house.

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00:11:26,969 --> 00:11:29,305
- Do you want me to go with you?
- Nope. You enjoy yourselves.

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00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:33,509
- Eat your casserole.
- I can...

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Okay. Okay.

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00:11:48,857 --> 00:11:49,775
What?

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00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:53,160
What is going on?

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00:11:53,162 --> 00:11:54,663
Shouldn't his wife be here?
Where's Nikki?

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00:11:55,164 --> 00:11:57,030
Nikki?
The bitch filed for divorce,

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sold the shares back to the
investors, and moved to Jamaica.

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00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:02,338
What?

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00:12:02,671 --> 00:12:05,124
He is in a dark,
dark place, Bobby.

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00:12:05,424 --> 00:12:08,008
Sheldon's a good boy.
Do you know what it's like

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00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:11,013
watching your boy wasting away
in front of your eyes?

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00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:13,465
I can't even imagine, Mrs. B.
I am so sorry.

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00:12:13,849 --> 00:12:15,351
I need you to do
something for me.

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00:12:15,684 --> 00:12:16,719
Yeah, anything. You name it.

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00:12:17,102 --> 00:12:18,187
Get the boys back together.

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00:12:18,554 --> 00:12:20,139
Yeah. Whatever you need.
We'll take him out,

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- maybe go on a vacation.
- No.

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His counselor said Sheldon
needs something to live for.

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00:12:24,893 --> 00:12:27,780
He needs a win.
He needs those games.

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00:12:28,063 --> 00:12:29,148
- The Buddy Games?
- Yeah.

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00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:31,648
No. No, no, no.

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00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,150
That's... That's not
gonna happen.

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00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:35,571
I'm not asking.
I'm telling.

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00:12:35,904 --> 00:12:37,988
If you have any compassion
in your soul whatsoever,

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00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:39,825
you will do this
for my boy.

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00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,128
Oh, don't be a pussy.

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00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,831
You were always
a leader of men.

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00:12:46,081 --> 00:12:47,549
What did the boys
used to call you?

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00:12:49,918 --> 00:12:52,338
- The Bobfather.
- And why did they call you that?

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00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:55,174
Because I was their leader.

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00:12:55,424 --> 00:12:57,009
Exactly.

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00:12:57,509 --> 00:12:59,261
Now, you rally
those troops.

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00:13:00,062 --> 00:13:02,014
- Shake. All right.
- All right.

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00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:04,516
Oh, you're a good boy,
Bobby.

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00:13:06,902 --> 00:13:07,936
God...

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00:13:09,938 --> 00:13:12,441
- Whoop. Excuse me.
- Hey, Bob.

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00:13:16,912 --> 00:13:18,280
Shelly?

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00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:20,916
What are you
doing here, Bob?

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00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:24,003
Holy shit! What...
Uh, you look...

243
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:25,754
Like a runway model?

244
00:13:26,171 --> 00:13:27,673
You know...

245
00:13:29,258 --> 00:13:30,843
- Why are you here, Bob?
- Uh...

246
00:13:32,294 --> 00:13:34,296
Uh, could we go talk someplace
a little more private?

247
00:13:34,713 --> 00:13:37,683
Sure. Just let
Bruce finish first.

248
00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:39,351
You hungry, fella?

249
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:41,134
I know it feels like
he's taking stuff off,

250
00:13:41,136 --> 00:13:42,971
but he's actually putting
things on your head.

251
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,194
- Mmm!
- What, you got cocaine in here?

252
00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:52,646
How the fuck did you get
cocaine in here?

253
00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:54,450
Crushed-up SweeTARTS.

254
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:56,233
Desperate times,
brother.

255
00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:59,903
So, uh, I don't see you
for years,

256
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:02,408
and then you just show up
on my doorstep like this.

257
00:14:02,825 --> 00:14:03,909
Uh, you don't see me for y...

258
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:05,911
We've been trying
to track you down for years.

259
00:14:06,328 --> 00:14:08,995
- What do you want, Bob?
- I want my best friend back.

260
00:14:08,997 --> 00:14:10,497
That's what I want.

261
00:14:10,499 --> 00:14:12,999
I want to know
what the hell happened to you.

262
00:14:13,001 --> 00:14:15,421
And why are you here...
Five years?

263
00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:19,639
Oh, come on, man.

264
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,093
Seriously?

265
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:24,430
What could be so bad that
you had to go down this road?

266
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,734
I lost my right testicle
that night, Bob.

267
00:14:31,153 --> 00:14:33,655
Oh, I... I didn't...
I didn't...

268
00:14:34,156 --> 00:14:35,441
I didn't know that.
I'm sorry.

269
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,076
Yeah, that night
they did surgery.

270
00:14:37,326 --> 00:14:38,911
I didn't feel anything
for days, man.

271
00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:41,495
I mean, it might have been
the OxyContin talking,

272
00:14:41,497 --> 00:14:43,832
but, whoo, son!

273
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:46,666
But, uh something
still wasn't right.

274
00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:48,003
What do you mean?

275
00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:49,753
I guess
in all the chaos,

276
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:51,788
nobody thought to check
on my left nut,

277
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:54,458
- the only one I had left.
- Oh, no.

278
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,261
It got a little
staph infection,

279
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:59,014
and they had to
remove that one too.

280
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:00,432
So you...

281
00:15:00,849 --> 00:15:02,267
Lost both my balls?
Yeah.

282
00:15:02,518 --> 00:15:05,102
Ah, Jesus Christ.
I'm so sorry, man.

283
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:08,107
I had no idea.
I don't even know what to say.

284
00:15:08,524 --> 00:15:11,894
I'm a fuckin' textbook
alpha male, honest.

285
00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:13,643
I am a wrecking ball.

286
00:15:13,645 --> 00:15:15,645
- I am a killing machine.
- Okay. Okay.

287
00:15:15,647 --> 00:15:18,150
I bring food back to the
village and lay all the women.

288
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,573
You know, life hasn't been all that
good to me either, just so you know.

289
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:27,991
My company is completely
in the shitter.

290
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:30,462
I'm practically broke.
I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment.

291
00:15:30,879 --> 00:15:31,830
- Really?
- Yeah.

292
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:38,137
Goddamn it, man! We were on top
of the world, weren't we?

293
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:41,340
Look, I know we're not as young
and bulletproof as we used to be,

294
00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:43,976
but we got to where we were because
we were good at what we did.

295
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:47,596
Who says that got to settle because
life dealt us a couple of shitty hands?

296
00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:49,731
You know what we need?

297
00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:50,849
A gun.

298
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,520
No, we don't... not a...
No, we don't need a gun.

299
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,605
Right. Two guns.
One for each of us. Good catch.

300
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,605
You know
what else we need?

301
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:01,243
- The Buddy Games.
- You out of your fucking mind?

302
00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:03,610
- No.
- That's the reason I'm in this place,

303
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:05,612
in this goddamn robe,

304
00:16:05,614 --> 00:16:07,614
snorting crushed-up
candies.

305
00:16:07,616 --> 00:16:10,919
I got tits, for Christ's sake!
Fuck the Buddy Games!

306
00:16:11,119 --> 00:16:14,788
Let's not let one little hiccup
destroy 20 years of greatness.

307
00:16:14,790 --> 00:16:18,675
You are...
the Buddy Games.

308
00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:21,513
You are our champion.
You are our king.

309
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,298
- We need you to save us.
- I'm the king?

310
00:16:23,632 --> 00:16:24,766
- You're the king.
- Who's the king?

311
00:16:25,267 --> 00:16:26,466
- You.
- Mm-mmm.

312
00:16:26,468 --> 00:16:28,468
- Shelly.
- Shelly's the fucking king.

313
00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:30,389
If I'm the king, then I get
to decide who's there.

314
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,224
Okay, sure.

315
00:16:32,474 --> 00:16:33,892
Then Bender can't be there.

316
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:37,229
Really?

317
00:16:37,613 --> 00:16:40,148
- Come on.
- Yeah, he's an asshole, but he's one of us.

318
00:16:40,449 --> 00:16:42,032
What?
After what he did to me?

319
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:44,534
Then forget it, man.
Fuck you. Save yourselves.

320
00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:47,956
Okay, okay, you know what? Fine, fine.
He doesn't even have to know.

321
00:16:48,156 --> 00:16:50,576
I'll call everybody else
except for Bender.

322
00:16:50,826 --> 00:16:51,910
Get those fucking games
back on.

323
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:53,712
- Right on. One more thing.
- What?

324
00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:54,997
Let me tell the guys.

325
00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:56,830
- About what?
- My balls.

326
00:16:56,832 --> 00:16:58,083
What balls?

327
00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:01,503
Too soon, sorry.
Come on.

328
00:17:03,505 --> 00:17:05,005
Just give me a...

329
00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:09,394
Bear. Look at you.

330
00:17:13,315 --> 00:17:15,734
What's the matter
with you?

331
00:17:16,018 --> 00:17:18,101
- Tell me you're in.
- Are you kidding me?

332
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,772
Fuck, yeah!
Yeah, I'm in!

333
00:17:21,690 --> 00:17:23,692
Bitches are going down!

334
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,363
Stay Golden.

335
00:17:30,365 --> 00:17:32,866
- Zanester!
- Bobfather!

336
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:34,918
"Boobfather."

337
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,289
What's up, man?

338
00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:39,675
- The games are back, baby!
- What?

339
00:17:40,175 --> 00:17:41,627
- And Shelly's in.
- You're kidding me.

340
00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:43,428
- No, I'm not.
- Shelly's...

341
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,712
Yeah, count me in, man.
Count me in. Sounds delish.

342
00:17:45,714 --> 00:17:48,216
- All right, buddy, let's talk soon.
- Okay.

343
00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:51,103
Holy shit.

344
00:17:51,386 --> 00:17:53,472
Whoo!

345
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:05,784
- Bobby!
- Hey, Durfy, you got a minute to talk?

346
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:08,234
- Uh...
- Okay, that's a cut on rehearsal.

347
00:18:08,236 --> 00:18:10,289
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a second.

348
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:14,242
- I'm just shooting a major motion picture right now.
- Please face camera.

349
00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:16,660
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
So what's up, dude?

350
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:18,912
Buddy Games, they're back.
Are you in?

351
00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:21,414
Um, I feel like that would be a
little weird without Shelly now.

352
00:18:21,416 --> 00:18:23,717
- No, no, he's in.
- Then I'm there.

353
00:18:23,719 --> 00:18:26,221
- I can't wait to see him.
- All right, I'll talk to you soon, buddy.

354
00:18:26,471 --> 00:18:28,390
Thank you, second team.
First team on set.

355
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:30,256
- Hey, Mr. McDonough.
- Hey, how are you?

356
00:18:30,258 --> 00:18:32,761
Yeah, good.
So your mark is right there.

357
00:18:33,261 --> 00:18:34,763
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're gonna be looking...

358
00:18:35,263 --> 00:18:38,150
- Right. Mm, mm, mm...
- ...right over there. Okay.

359
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,269
Don't be too nervous.
You already got the job.

360
00:18:41,486 --> 00:18:43,570
Maybe grab a quick pic,
though, together?

361
00:18:43,572 --> 00:18:46,408
- Then we can tag each other.
- Inappropriate, but, yeah, sure.

362
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,274
- Have you heard of Facebook?
- Yeah, I guess.

363
00:18:48,276 --> 00:18:49,695
- I'm gonna pop it on there.
- That's great.

364
00:18:50,078 --> 00:18:51,661
Hey, here with
my top dog,

365
00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:53,031
- Neil McDonough.
- Is that a video?

366
00:18:53,281 --> 00:18:54,864
- It is a video. Is that okay?
- Yeah, n...

367
00:18:54,866 --> 00:18:56,868
- You'd rather I take a picture?
- Second team, what are you doing?

368
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,171
One second. I'll just do a video.
I'll be really quick.

369
00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:16,688
Hello?

370
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,190
Hey.

371
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,778
- Looks like someone's been busy.
- I have been busy.

372
00:19:24,613 --> 00:19:26,114
What do you think
about taking a vacation?

373
00:19:27,115 --> 00:19:29,949
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah? Oh, my gosh, good.

374
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,951
'Cause I went through our calendars,
and there's a couple things we can move,

375
00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,905
and we can make it work out.
We can go anywhere.

376
00:19:34,289 --> 00:19:36,158
Do you smell
something burning?

377
00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:38,491
Oh! Damn it.

378
00:19:38,493 --> 00:19:40,746
Oh! Ugh!

379
00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:41,546
Oh!

380
00:19:42,047 --> 00:19:43,048
Are you...

381
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,919
Dang!
I burned it.

382
00:19:48,136 --> 00:19:50,722
Could you...
Could you turn back?

383
00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:53,558
I made three of these.

384
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,011
The other two didn't actually
turn out so well either, but...

385
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,513
oh, well.

386
00:19:58,847 --> 00:20:02,401
Well, you know what? We can always
scrape it off and still eat the inside.

387
00:20:04,936 --> 00:20:08,021
Oh, I was gonna ask you,
what was going on with Mrs. Baldinger?

388
00:20:08,023 --> 00:20:10,523
Oh, uh...
Yeah, no, that's...

389
00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:12,994
Shelly's not doing so hot.
He is on suicide watch.

390
00:20:13,528 --> 00:20:15,447
- What? Poor Sheldon.
- Yeah.

391
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,113
He needs my help, babe.

392
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,915
Yeah, of course.
Whatever he needs.

393
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:21,951
Mary Ann thinks that I should
get the guys back together

394
00:20:21,953 --> 00:20:24,423
for the Buddy Games.

395
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,925
- And what'd you tell her?
- Well, no.

396
00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:29,211
- Good.
- At first, and then I said yes.

397
00:20:29,594 --> 00:20:32,097
- And then you said yes?
- Of course. You know?

398
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:35,098
Are you sure you don't want to
think about this for a second?

399
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:37,102
- I have thought about it.
- You have thought about it?

400
00:20:37,602 --> 00:20:39,938
It's a really good idea.
What better to get him off his feet?

401
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,722
You really think that getting the guys
together for a weekend of teabagging

402
00:20:42,724 --> 00:20:44,559
will stop Sheldon
from killing himself?

403
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:47,062
Yeah. I do.

404
00:20:47,362 --> 00:20:48,947
Okay, so then, um,
what's next for us?

405
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:50,899
Um...

406
00:20:52,284 --> 00:20:53,867
- Oh, my God, you don't know.
- I do know.

407
00:20:53,869 --> 00:20:55,454
- You don't know.
- Yeah, I know.

408
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:59,407
We've grown up,
and it's not gonna be like it was before.

409
00:20:59,741 --> 00:21:01,124
How do you know?
You haven't seen these guys in forever.

410
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:03,460
Can somebody
open the goddamn door?

411
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,961
Is that Bender?

412
00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:07,415
Oh, sounds like he's grown up.
I'm gonna go.

413
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:09,916
You know what? That's a good idea.
Let me deal with him,

414
00:21:09,918 --> 00:21:11,584
and I'll meet you
for dinner later.

415
00:21:11,586 --> 00:21:14,339
- No, Bob, I'm leaving.
- What do you mean, you're...

416
00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:16,506
Okay.

417
00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:18,810
You have the Buddy Games,
right?

418
00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:21,229
I'm taking the helicopter.

419
00:21:29,237 --> 00:21:31,740
Dixon fuckin' Bender.

420
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:34,274
- How are you, man?
- Well, I'd be lying

421
00:21:34,276 --> 00:21:37,195
if I said everything was
rainbows and unicorns.

422
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:38,914
You're still struggling, huh?

423
00:21:39,164 --> 00:21:41,247
Yeah, I've been
eating shit, actually.

424
00:21:41,249 --> 00:21:44,619
Went through my mom's inheritance,
and, uh, now I'm living in my van.

425
00:21:44,953 --> 00:21:46,538
So, you know, fuck me.

426
00:21:46,955 --> 00:21:49,541
I don't want to talk about it.
Know what I want to talk about?

427
00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:52,043
I want to talk
about Buddy Games.

428
00:21:52,427 --> 00:21:55,380
- Uh, what about Buddy Games?
- I heard through the grapevine

429
00:21:55,630 --> 00:21:59,215
not only are they back on,
but Shelly's back?

430
00:21:59,217 --> 00:22:01,553
Where the fuck has he been,
and why didn't you call me?

431
00:22:01,803 --> 00:22:04,139
- Uh, listen...
- I want to know when and where they are.

432
00:22:04,639 --> 00:22:05,941
I need to sleep
on your couch.

433
00:22:06,141 --> 00:22:08,527
I'll take a bed.
I'll take whatever.

434
00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:10,061
But I need some sleep.

435
00:22:10,862 --> 00:22:15,233
Uh... there's an
entry fee this year.

436
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:16,618
Okay, yeah. All right.

437
00:22:17,118 --> 00:22:19,454
Like, how much?
Like, ten bucks?

438
00:22:21,573 --> 00:22:24,374
$10,000? Our friends
that I've known...

439
00:22:24,376 --> 00:22:26,244
we've known forever...
they now all of a sudden

440
00:22:26,578 --> 00:22:29,712
have $10,000 in side cash
they can just throw around?

441
00:22:29,714 --> 00:22:32,083
Durfy does?
He still owes me 20 bucks.

442
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:33,969
- That's what the guys wanted to do. I'm sorry.
- Fine.

443
00:22:34,336 --> 00:22:36,421
We'll play your
high-stakes shit, okay?

444
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:39,674
But I want to play,
so can you front me the money?

445
00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:41,975
No. Things are, uh,
a little tight

446
00:22:41,977 --> 00:22:43,762
at the moment,
so I can't.

447
00:22:43,979 --> 00:22:45,897
Yeah, I can tell.
You're roughing it.

448
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:49,100
Just let me play. You can.
You can because you're the Bobfather.

449
00:22:49,484 --> 00:22:51,987
So you created this world.
You make the rules.

450
00:22:52,354 --> 00:22:54,938
So you could go, "Hey,
remember our friend Bender?

451
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:56,741
Can he come and play?"

452
00:22:58,526 --> 00:23:01,580
I can't.
Just figured it out. Shelly.

453
00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:03,448
Now this makes sense.
Holy shit.

454
00:23:03,832 --> 00:23:05,415
Because five years ago,

455
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:07,702
I accidentally
cracked his nut.

456
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:10,036
- I'm really sorry, okay?
- He lost both of his balls.

457
00:23:10,038 --> 00:23:13,122
- He lost both his fucking balls.
- What?

458
00:23:13,124 --> 00:23:14,793
Goddamn you, man!

459
00:23:15,043 --> 00:23:16,127
Both of them?

460
00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:19,681
- I don't want to talk about it. You got to go.
- Bob, I didn't know.

461
00:23:20,181 --> 00:23:21,464
- You got to go.
- All right, all right.

462
00:23:21,466 --> 00:23:23,969
I love you, dude,
but you gotta fucking go.

463
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:40,535
You're leaving right now?

464
00:23:41,069 --> 00:23:42,570
Where are you going?

465
00:23:44,789 --> 00:23:47,659
Really? Really, Bob?

466
00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:51,546
You can't float me
any cash? Really?

467
00:23:51,963 --> 00:23:54,047
Damn it, man! Come on!

468
00:23:54,049 --> 00:23:55,550
What a dick!

469
00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:07,679
All right,
I'll tell you what.

470
00:24:08,229 --> 00:24:11,014
I'll give you 25 for
the china, 50 for the ring,

471
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:13,816
- Fifty?
- A hundred for the locket, a hundred for the paintings,

472
00:24:13,818 --> 00:24:17,322
and, uh, $100 for
the rest of this crap.

473
00:24:17,822 --> 00:24:20,239
- 375. We got a deal?
- What? No, we don't have a deal.

474
00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:23,995
$50 for a diamond?
That was my mother's wedding ring.

475
00:24:24,195 --> 00:24:26,029
It's fake, fella.

476
00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:27,780
What?

477
00:24:27,782 --> 00:24:30,333
Fuckin' motherfucker!

478
00:24:30,335 --> 00:24:33,004
She gave him 47 years.

479
00:24:33,171 --> 00:24:34,756
That should be
a Purple Heart!

480
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:36,675
That would actually
be worth something.

481
00:24:36,958 --> 00:24:38,043
Fine. Okay.

482
00:24:38,543 --> 00:24:40,845
All right, fine.
What about the china?

483
00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:43,048
You can't tell me that's fake.
'Cause that says,

484
00:24:43,431 --> 00:24:45,300
"Made in China."
Okay.

485
00:24:45,517 --> 00:24:47,552
So I will take no less

486
00:24:47,936 --> 00:24:50,520
than a thousand for all this,
and that's final.

487
00:24:50,522 --> 00:24:52,555
I'll tell you what.

488
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:54,059
I'll give you 375.

489
00:24:56,061 --> 00:24:57,562
She's still dead.

490
00:24:59,064 --> 00:25:00,982
500. $500.

491
00:25:01,366 --> 00:25:02,450
Okay.

492
00:25:03,451 --> 00:25:04,953
I don't normally
do this...

493
00:25:05,954 --> 00:25:07,405
but I'm gonna
give you 375.

494
00:25:07,739 --> 00:25:10,825
Oh, you're really
having fun, aren't you?

495
00:25:14,462 --> 00:25:16,164
Can I hold the locket
one more time?

496
00:25:17,165 --> 00:25:19,250
Can you give me that,
you surly fuck?

497
00:25:23,254 --> 00:25:25,254
- Can I keep the picture?
- Sure.

498
00:25:25,256 --> 00:25:27,592
That'll be $5.

499
00:25:32,147 --> 00:25:34,147
Hey!

500
00:25:34,149 --> 00:25:36,933
- Asshole!
- Sorry. I'm in training.

501
00:25:36,935 --> 00:25:39,104
We're gonna test your range of
motion, all right?

502
00:25:39,354 --> 00:25:41,437
I want you to hold on
to this ball here,

503
00:25:41,439 --> 00:25:43,908
and you're gonna go
from side to side.

504
00:25:44,275 --> 00:25:46,327
Oh! He steals the ball!

505
00:25:46,745 --> 00:25:48,530
Oh!

506
00:25:49,030 --> 00:25:51,449
Mr. Hornbacher,
I am so sorry.

507
00:25:52,867 --> 00:25:55,336
Yeah, some lemonade, please.

508
00:25:57,372 --> 00:25:58,456
Thank you.

509
00:25:59,457 --> 00:26:01,960
Thank you.

510
00:26:12,303 --> 00:26:15,271
Hey, what do we have here?

511
00:26:15,273 --> 00:26:17,807
Saddle up,
you old grisly bird.

512
00:26:17,809 --> 00:26:20,779
Yeah.

513
00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:22,562
Yeah, beauty.

514
00:26:22,564 --> 00:26:24,397
Cheers.

515
00:26:24,399 --> 00:26:26,785
You're breaking
the law, mister!

516
00:26:26,985 --> 00:26:30,820
You need a liquor
license to sell vodka.

517
00:26:30,822 --> 00:26:34,123
And you need to recognize
a business opportunity.

518
00:26:34,125 --> 00:26:37,495
So MYOB, little bitches!

519
00:26:37,796 --> 00:26:40,715
- He just said the "B" word!
- Shame on you!

520
00:26:40,965 --> 00:26:42,548
You're both gonna be strippers
when you grow up,

521
00:26:42,550 --> 00:26:44,502
really bad ones
that no one pays to see.

522
00:26:44,919 --> 00:26:45,920
Ew!

523
00:26:46,254 --> 00:26:48,256
I'm texting the police!

524
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:49,808
Fuck.

525
00:26:53,678 --> 00:26:55,261
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Stop!

526
00:26:55,263 --> 00:26:57,146
Hey, come back here!

527
00:26:57,148 --> 00:26:58,983
Get on the pole!

528
00:26:59,267 --> 00:27:00,602
What are you doing?
Stop!

529
00:27:00,935 --> 00:27:04,322
- Give us our money! Come back!
- You're bad kids!

530
00:27:06,941 --> 00:27:09,525
He took our money!
Stop! Hey!

531
00:27:11,996 --> 00:27:13,079
Pig!

532
00:27:13,081 --> 00:27:14,499
Mom!

533
00:27:17,418 --> 00:27:19,420
She didn't tell me.

534
00:27:19,921 --> 00:27:22,338
I thought I had cancer,
damn it. Okay.

535
00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:24,259
I thought I had cancer,
damn it.

536
00:27:24,509 --> 00:27:27,593
You all knew what I was,
and you didn't tell me?

537
00:27:27,595 --> 00:27:30,098
I thought I had cancer,
damn it!

538
00:27:31,599 --> 00:27:33,384
Hmm.

539
00:27:34,135 --> 00:27:35,637
Fuck.

540
00:27:37,639 --> 00:27:39,641
What the fuck.
Was that any good?

541
00:27:44,529 --> 00:27:46,231
- Yeah.
- Hey, little brother.

542
00:27:46,481 --> 00:27:47,565
Little busy today.
What do you need?

543
00:27:48,066 --> 00:27:50,068
I need to borrow
a couple bucks.

544
00:27:51,452 --> 00:27:53,452
Thought you said this
Hollywood thing was working out.

545
00:27:53,454 --> 00:27:56,405
It is. I just
murdered an audition

546
00:27:56,407 --> 00:27:58,710
for a CW pilot
right before I called you.

547
00:27:58,877 --> 00:28:01,460
And I'm in postproduction
on something right now.

548
00:28:01,462 --> 00:28:02,830
What the fuck
is postproduction?

549
00:28:03,131 --> 00:28:06,551
I star in a national commercial
for the Marines.

550
00:28:06,801 --> 00:28:08,386
Well, I'm sure Dad
would have been proud.

551
00:28:08,887 --> 00:28:10,722
He'd have been more proud if you
were an actual fucking Marine.

552
00:28:10,972 --> 00:28:13,474
Jack, you are hurting my
feelings a little bit, but yes.

553
00:28:13,808 --> 00:28:16,394
Jesus Christ. Listen to me.
Do you know how hard it is

554
00:28:16,895 --> 00:28:18,895
trying to keep this
family business profitable

555
00:28:18,897 --> 00:28:20,765
without having to finance
your little pipe dreams?

556
00:28:21,182 --> 00:28:22,734
Dad left this to you,
not me.

557
00:28:23,067 --> 00:28:25,151
How long's it gonna be
before you figure out

558
00:28:25,153 --> 00:28:28,106
that this acting thing
is a fucking waste of time?

559
00:28:28,606 --> 00:28:33,027
You know, sister's out here.
Belly's as big as shit,

560
00:28:33,361 --> 00:28:34,913
but she's sweating her balls
off just like the rest of us.

561
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,363
So why don't you think about
that while you're out there

562
00:28:37,365 --> 00:28:39,867
in La-La Land eating your
goddamn avocado sandwiches?

563
00:28:40,368 --> 00:28:42,370
- You don't know what I...
- I got work to do. Real work.

564
00:28:42,870 --> 00:28:44,839
Look it up. Fuck-head.

565
00:29:00,722 --> 00:29:02,722
Full penetration's
an extra hundred.

566
00:29:02,724 --> 00:29:05,226
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Uh-huh!

567
00:29:05,727 --> 00:29:07,528
I'm giving you
the early-bird special.

568
00:29:07,779 --> 00:29:09,781
Shut up and dig! Dig, boy!

569
00:29:11,649 --> 00:29:13,067
How many labias
do you have?

570
00:29:13,451 --> 00:29:16,035
Oh, I just farted!
Just keep going!

571
00:29:16,037 --> 00:29:17,822
Oh, it's bad!

572
00:29:22,126 --> 00:29:23,542
Oh, no!

573
00:29:23,544 --> 00:29:27,882
No!

574
00:29:38,843 --> 00:29:40,345
Looking great, hon.

575
00:29:40,845 --> 00:29:43,648
- Yeah?
- Gorgeous.

576
00:29:43,848 --> 00:29:45,431
Come on, angel.
Time to go.

577
00:29:46,901 --> 00:29:50,822
Hey, honey, it's me,
checking in again.

578
00:29:52,323 --> 00:29:54,523
I just want to make sure
that you're okay out there,

579
00:29:54,525 --> 00:29:56,527
wherever you are.

580
00:29:57,028 --> 00:29:59,030
I just want to know why
you stormed off like that,

581
00:29:59,530 --> 00:30:01,614
why you hate these guys
so much.

582
00:30:01,616 --> 00:30:03,616
Look, we need to talk.

583
00:30:40,204 --> 00:30:42,206
Oh, here we are.

584
00:30:45,710 --> 00:30:47,578
Okay.

585
00:30:47,879 --> 00:30:50,463
Oh, wow.

586
00:30:50,465 --> 00:30:53,251
Oh, I bet this brings back
some fond memories, huh?

587
00:30:54,585 --> 00:30:57,472
Last time I was here,
I was getting wheeled out on a stretcher.

588
00:30:58,389 --> 00:30:59,891
Well,
not that memory.

589
00:31:00,391 --> 00:31:03,394
- Welcome back, buddy!
- Oh, hey.

590
00:31:03,761 --> 00:31:05,344
- You made it.
- Yeah.

591
00:31:05,346 --> 00:31:07,313
Hey, I got to defend
my title, right?

592
00:31:07,315 --> 00:31:09,233
- I'm gonna take that back.
- Hey! Hey!

593
00:31:09,517 --> 00:31:12,854
Oh, talking smack already.
How much fun is this, huh?

594
00:31:13,104 --> 00:31:16,188
- All right, Mama.
- Okay, I'll let you boys be.

595
00:31:16,190 --> 00:31:18,493
- Come on.
- Hold that for a second.

596
00:31:18,693 --> 00:31:22,080
Just a second. You only hold
it while I get out of the car.

597
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,163
Good luck, sweetie.

598
00:31:24,165 --> 00:31:26,082
- So good to see you.
- Give 'em hell, hon.

599
00:31:26,084 --> 00:31:27,869
- Bye, Mom. Thanks.
- Bye, Mary Ann.

600
00:31:28,035 --> 00:31:29,618
- Thanks.
- Bye, Mama. Thank you.

601
00:31:29,620 --> 00:31:33,089
- Welcome back, man.
- The place hasn't changed much.

602
00:31:33,091 --> 00:31:34,592
Yeah. Yeah.

603
00:31:36,094 --> 00:31:37,595
Hey, there's, uh...

604
00:31:39,097 --> 00:31:42,431
There's something that I wasn't
entirely honest with you about.

605
00:31:42,433 --> 00:31:46,053
- My company did well.
- How well?

606
00:31:46,270 --> 00:31:50,691
Well, I sold it for...
approximately 387 million.

607
00:31:50,942 --> 00:31:52,525
Wow! That's...

608
00:31:52,527 --> 00:31:55,446
- I'm... Holy...
- Yeah, it's been a...

609
00:31:55,780 --> 00:31:58,366
- Congratulations, brother.
- ...a pretty good couple of years, thanks.

610
00:31:59,367 --> 00:32:01,367
Life just hasn't been
the same without you.

611
00:32:01,369 --> 00:32:03,371
That part was true.

612
00:32:04,872 --> 00:32:07,373
You didn't tell
the guys about my...

613
00:32:07,375 --> 00:32:09,877
Your balls? No. No.
Definitely not.

614
00:32:11,379 --> 00:32:12,880
I'm not sure I can
believe you now, Bob.

615
00:32:13,381 --> 00:32:14,882
Yeah? Well, believe this.

616
00:32:15,383 --> 00:32:17,385
- You're with friends now.
- Hey, boobs!

617
00:32:17,802 --> 00:32:20,805
- Is that your dad?
- Hey, Mr. Schmidt.

618
00:32:21,139 --> 00:32:22,673
No, no, no.
That's... That's Shelly.

619
00:32:23,641 --> 00:32:25,643
Oh, my God.
What the hell?

620
00:32:26,144 --> 00:32:28,146
Holy shit, Sheldon!

621
00:32:28,646 --> 00:32:31,147
- Fuck you guys.
- Are you kidding me?

622
00:32:31,149 --> 00:32:33,149
He's back!

623
00:32:33,151 --> 00:32:35,351
Get the fuck off of me.

624
00:32:35,353 --> 00:32:37,355
Get off of me.
Get off of me.

625
00:32:38,856 --> 00:32:40,856
Hands off, hands off.

626
00:32:40,858 --> 00:32:42,693
That's right.

627
00:32:45,079 --> 00:32:46,948
Oh, so, um,

628
00:32:47,198 --> 00:32:49,167
I had to say goodbye
to the guys in Bon Jovi

629
00:32:49,450 --> 00:32:52,870
and start the journey
home, man.

630
00:32:53,287 --> 00:32:55,373
I just realized I couldn't
run from it anymore.

631
00:32:55,873 --> 00:32:57,875
That's reality.
That's it.

632
00:32:58,292 --> 00:33:00,878
You still got his
number, Bon Jovi?

633
00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:05,132
Come on, Doc. Some decorum.

634
00:33:05,383 --> 00:33:08,052
Shel, I'm so sorry you had
to go through all that, man.

635
00:33:08,553 --> 00:33:09,387
Thanks.

636
00:33:09,971 --> 00:33:11,439
But tell me about
the chicks from Tibet, man.

637
00:33:11,973 --> 00:33:13,808
'Cause I've heard they're
smoking hot. True or false?

638
00:33:14,108 --> 00:33:15,526
- Nah, I never heard that.
- I never heard that.

639
00:33:16,027 --> 00:33:17,443
You guys haven't heard...

640
00:33:17,445 --> 00:33:19,480
The point is that our king is back.
Look at this.

641
00:33:19,780 --> 00:33:22,149
He sure as hell is.

642
00:33:22,316 --> 00:33:24,151
Let's make a toast.
Oh, wait. Somebody's here.

643
00:33:24,368 --> 00:33:27,038
- Nut check!
- Oh!

644
00:33:27,371 --> 00:33:29,740
Oh! Oh!

645
00:33:30,041 --> 00:33:33,792
- Nut tap!
- You're lucky they were low. I didn't really feel much.

646
00:33:33,794 --> 00:33:37,665
You dodged a bullet.
I just felt log.

647
00:33:37,999 --> 00:33:40,082
I'm very happy to see
we're still doing that.

648
00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,053
No shit,
because that is...

649
00:33:42,386 --> 00:33:44,889
That's the kind of stuff I
missed, man, all my travels.

650
00:33:45,223 --> 00:33:47,758
It was the camaraderie,
being with you guys, just...

651
00:33:48,092 --> 00:33:50,177
the connection with other
people, you know?

652
00:33:50,561 --> 00:33:52,647
I feel bad I didn't reach
back out to you guys.

653
00:33:53,147 --> 00:33:56,651
'Cause I got all the cards and the notes and
everything. I just had a lot on my mind.

654
00:33:56,934 --> 00:33:58,986
- It just wasn't...
- You kidding? We love you, man.

655
00:33:59,403 --> 00:34:00,855
What...

656
00:34:05,159 --> 00:34:06,744
I know that horn. Yeah.

657
00:34:07,161 --> 00:34:08,529
It's got to be.

658
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:10,281
Whoo! What?

659
00:34:11,249 --> 00:34:13,749
What? Buddy Games!

660
00:34:13,751 --> 00:34:15,920
Yeah!

661
00:34:16,287 --> 00:34:19,206
- There he is!
- Hey, you guys, Bender's here!

662
00:34:19,457 --> 00:34:21,425
You fucking bastard.

663
00:34:21,709 --> 00:34:23,711
He's not supposed
to be here.

664
00:34:24,045 --> 00:34:25,628
Come on. I'm not gonna
miss the Buddy Games.

665
00:34:25,630 --> 00:34:27,098
That's insane.
What's up, Durf?

666
00:34:27,431 --> 00:34:29,016
Bender!

667
00:34:29,433 --> 00:34:31,802
- Who's that guy?
- Hey, man. How are ya?

668
00:34:32,603 --> 00:34:33,971
Are you lost?

669
00:34:34,305 --> 00:34:36,138
Sheldon.
What's up, bud?

670
00:34:36,140 --> 00:34:38,440
I got nothing to say
to you, buddy.

671
00:34:38,442 --> 00:34:40,442
You got a lot of fucking nerve
showing your face here.

672
00:34:40,444 --> 00:34:43,564
I knew you were gonna say
that, and I'm here for peace.

673
00:34:43,814 --> 00:34:45,316
Okay? Hear me out.

674
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,904
Look, man, the past
is in the past, dude.

675
00:34:51,906 --> 00:34:54,375
There's nothing we can do about it.
What happened, happened.

676
00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:56,794
All I care about
is the future

677
00:34:57,078 --> 00:34:58,963
and our prosperity,

678
00:34:59,163 --> 00:35:00,581
and that's why I'm here.

679
00:35:01,465 --> 00:35:03,884
Sheldon, I give you...

680
00:35:04,218 --> 00:35:07,338
- Cuban cigars.
- No, Doc, but good guess.

681
00:35:07,755 --> 00:35:10,141
This is something
a little bit more special.

682
00:35:18,816 --> 00:35:19,767
What is this?

683
00:35:20,151 --> 00:35:21,519
It's my... my seed.

684
00:35:21,769 --> 00:35:24,655
My... baby sauce.

685
00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:26,657
- What?
- Dick matter.

686
00:35:34,615 --> 00:35:37,533
- Are you... Are you for real?
- Wow, Dixon fucking Bender.

687
00:35:37,535 --> 00:35:39,668
Oh, that's a lot of loads.

688
00:35:39,670 --> 00:35:41,255
Uh, it's nine,
to be exact.

689
00:35:41,455 --> 00:35:42,506
Whoa, there.

690
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,041
- Dude, two days, that took me.
- Ugh.

691
00:35:44,625 --> 00:35:47,094
Bender, you are
a fucking hero, man.

692
00:35:48,379 --> 00:35:50,598
- That's kind of weird, man.
- Was there a memo?

693
00:35:50,848 --> 00:35:52,798
Were we supposed to bring semen?
I didn't bring semen. Durfy?

694
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:56,051
Bender, that's a very gross present.
Why did you give him that?

695
00:35:56,053 --> 00:35:59,054
It's not gross.
It's not gross, okay?

696
00:35:59,056 --> 00:36:02,226
Our friend, our very good
friend here, Sheldon,

697
00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:05,479
he lost both of his testicles.

698
00:36:06,364 --> 00:36:07,231
Oh...

699
00:36:08,783 --> 00:36:09,700
Is that true, Shelly?

700
00:36:13,404 --> 00:36:15,904
It's true. I, uh...
They're both gone.

701
00:36:15,906 --> 00:36:19,293
I'm... I'm, uh... I'm like
a Ken doll down there now.

702
00:36:19,577 --> 00:36:21,660
Hey, Ken had a good life.

703
00:36:21,662 --> 00:36:25,583
He had a hot blonde,
a Corvette. Right?

704
00:36:27,168 --> 00:36:29,253
Ah, look, I mean,
I can't complain.

705
00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:31,839
- Now I can have kids.
- You can have dozens.

706
00:36:32,223 --> 00:36:35,007
So, that's
my peace offering,

707
00:36:35,009 --> 00:36:38,512
and I just want to know,
are we cool?

708
00:36:41,732 --> 00:36:44,233
Yeah. Yeah.

709
00:36:44,235 --> 00:36:46,103
All right. Whew!

710
00:36:46,404 --> 00:36:47,488
- Oh, thank God.
- Are you kidding me?

711
00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:49,323
- Come on.
- Love you, brother.

712
00:36:49,573 --> 00:36:51,358
It worked. Thought we
were gonna see some blows.

713
00:36:51,575 --> 00:36:53,661
Thank you very much.
That's really fucking awesome.

714
00:36:54,111 --> 00:36:55,944
I love that. Know what
else I love? Alcohol!

715
00:36:55,946 --> 00:36:57,413
Let's go to the tiki bar.
Come on.

716
00:36:57,415 --> 00:36:59,415
- Tiki bar!
- All right.

717
00:36:59,417 --> 00:37:00,418
Go for it.

718
00:37:01,919 --> 00:37:03,871
- I can't believe that worked...
- Thanks, Bob.

719
00:37:04,255 --> 00:37:05,756
'Cause that's
your fault, right?

720
00:37:07,124 --> 00:37:08,509
- Whoa!
- What the hell?

721
00:37:08,843 --> 00:37:11,376
Dude, what is all this money?
What is that?

722
00:37:11,378 --> 00:37:13,681
Dude,
it was not easy.

723
00:37:14,181 --> 00:37:16,133
I mean, a $10,000
entry fee?

724
00:37:16,684 --> 00:37:18,135
That was not easy
to scrape up,

725
00:37:18,686 --> 00:37:20,638
but I banged and bartered
my way for those Benjamins.

726
00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:23,557
Pretty much sold my soul,
and, uh, don't give a shit.

727
00:37:23,891 --> 00:37:25,476
But at the end of the
day, I'm gonna win that...

728
00:37:25,976 --> 00:37:28,362
♪ $60,000, whores ♪

729
00:37:28,612 --> 00:37:30,531
Entry fee?
What entry fee?

730
00:37:30,815 --> 00:37:32,650
- I'm lost.
- Bender...

731
00:37:33,951 --> 00:37:36,287
I'm sorry, Bender.
There was never an entry fee.

732
00:37:36,537 --> 00:37:38,620
What?

733
00:37:38,622 --> 00:37:42,991
I'm sorry, but I didn't have the heart
to tell you, man, you weren't invited.

734
00:37:42,993 --> 00:37:45,296
We didn't feel comfortable
with you here this year.

735
00:37:45,579 --> 00:37:48,632
You know, you could've told me that.
That would have been a lot easier.

736
00:37:48,966 --> 00:37:50,549
I didn't think you were gonna
come up with ten thou...

737
00:37:50,551 --> 00:37:53,387
I mean, 10,000 bucks?
Really? That's crazy!

738
00:37:53,671 --> 00:37:55,172
- Oh, my God.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

739
00:37:55,473 --> 00:37:58,309
I made up everything about
the fee and the pot. I'm sorry.

740
00:37:58,509 --> 00:38:02,094
You're sorry? I sold
all of my shit! All of it!

741
00:38:02,096 --> 00:38:04,096
I sold all
my mom's stuff.

742
00:38:04,098 --> 00:38:07,067
I gave a bum
a hand job for $30.

743
00:38:07,485 --> 00:38:10,187
- Ooh, expand on that.
- No, I'm not going to. You want to smell my hand?

744
00:38:10,404 --> 00:38:12,488
I don't think so.
No, probably not.

745
00:38:12,490 --> 00:38:14,024
Bob, you fucked me, man!

746
00:38:14,525 --> 00:38:16,527
You promised me 60 grand,
so you better fix this.

747
00:38:17,027 --> 00:38:19,864
I can't get that stuff back.
I can't take that hand job back.

748
00:38:20,164 --> 00:38:23,083
This has always been about pride. You said
it yourself. This is about the brotherhood.

749
00:38:23,334 --> 00:38:24,833
This is not about money
or anything else.

750
00:38:24,835 --> 00:38:26,120
Oh, fuck that!

751
00:38:26,504 --> 00:38:28,372
Yeah, it's not about money,
because you have money.

752
00:38:28,589 --> 00:38:30,291
- All right? Zane.
- Yeah?

753
00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:33,043
Could you use $60,000
for your tanning business?

754
00:38:33,427 --> 00:38:35,346
- Yes.
- Yeah.

755
00:38:35,629 --> 00:38:37,848
- Durf, what about you, bud?
- Yeah.

756
00:38:38,215 --> 00:38:41,218
- It's a hard yes from you. It should be. Doc?
- Yeah.

757
00:38:41,635 --> 00:38:43,888
Exactly. And Shelly needs new
straitjackets. You see, Bob?

758
00:38:44,388 --> 00:38:47,022
We all fucking need.

759
00:38:47,024 --> 00:38:51,061
But not you, man.
You don't have the need for anything.

760
00:38:55,616 --> 00:38:58,402
Zane, could I spot you
10,000 bucks?

761
00:38:58,652 --> 00:39:00,037
- Just this once.
- What about you, Durfy? Can I spot you?

762
00:39:00,538 --> 00:39:03,539
- What about you? Doc? Shelly?
- Yeah, I won't say no.

763
00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:04,992
50,000 bucks.

764
00:39:05,376 --> 00:39:06,961
- That's great. What about you?
- What about me?

765
00:39:07,461 --> 00:39:08,796
What are you gonna
spot yourself?

766
00:39:09,630 --> 00:39:10,831
Can you believe
this fucking guy?

767
00:39:11,415 --> 00:39:12,383
Well, yeah.

768
00:39:12,716 --> 00:39:14,585
It's so crazy!
I sold all my shit.

769
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:17,922
I'm gonna match the fucking pot.
How does that sound?

770
00:39:18,422 --> 00:39:20,558
Hundred thousand bucks!

771
00:39:20,975 --> 00:39:22,343
We're gonna play
for 100,000 bucks.

772
00:39:22,509 --> 00:39:24,428
I like it,
I don't love it.

773
00:39:24,678 --> 00:39:25,846
- One-fifty.
- Yes! Done.

774
00:39:26,180 --> 00:39:29,066
- 150,000 bucks!
- 150 grand!

775
00:39:29,266 --> 00:39:32,603
- Oh!
- Looks like we got ourselves a Buddy Game.

776
00:39:34,021 --> 00:39:34,939
Yes!

777
00:39:41,829 --> 00:39:43,779
All right,
boys, here we go!

778
00:39:43,781 --> 00:39:45,616
The Buddy Games
are back, baby!

779
00:39:47,918 --> 00:39:50,452
Kicking off this year's event:
Kong's Crucible.

780
00:39:50,454 --> 00:39:52,423
It's a giant
obstacle course,

781
00:39:52,790 --> 00:39:54,625
complete with corn dogs,
bubble balls,

782
00:39:54,959 --> 00:39:57,177
watermelons,
electric eels.

783
00:39:57,378 --> 00:39:59,294
- What's that?
- Don't ask.

784
00:39:59,296 --> 00:40:01,515
Once you get through there,
it's mud pits,

785
00:40:01,932 --> 00:40:03,298
motorcycles, beer bongs,

786
00:40:03,300 --> 00:40:06,687
and one
big-ass waterslide.

787
00:40:07,054 --> 00:40:09,638
You're gonna catch a lot of air,
I'm gonna warn you right now,

788
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,139
but, very important
to note,

789
00:40:11,141 --> 00:40:13,444
the only way you win
is if you capture the flag.

790
00:40:13,644 --> 00:40:15,729
Whoever captures the flag
wins the event.

791
00:40:16,146 --> 00:40:18,198
Top three finalists
at the end of today's events

792
00:40:18,732 --> 00:40:21,151
competes in tomorrow's
final event, the endgame.

793
00:40:21,535 --> 00:40:23,454
Oh, by the way, Shelly,
we got near beer for you.

794
00:40:23,737 --> 00:40:25,572
- Copy.
- Wait, what?

795
00:40:25,956 --> 00:40:28,042
- He's in the program, Bender.
- I can't mix my meds with alcohol.

796
00:40:28,459 --> 00:40:29,827
He can't drink alcohol period.

797
00:40:30,127 --> 00:40:31,795
That seems like
an unfair advantage.

798
00:40:32,079 --> 00:40:34,915
- It's still beer, dick face!
- Why don't you just get him a Fresca.

799
00:40:35,215 --> 00:40:38,585
Are you trying to mind-fuck me, mijo?
'Cause I invented mind-fucking.

800
00:40:38,802 --> 00:40:40,888
- I'll come all over your mind.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

801
00:40:41,388 --> 00:40:42,890
What the fuck
is wrong with you?

802
00:40:43,390 --> 00:40:45,225
Insane Clown Pussy.

803
00:40:45,426 --> 00:40:47,344
Are you ready for this?

804
00:40:48,062 --> 00:40:49,480
- Boom!
- Eat!

805
00:41:14,922 --> 00:41:16,674
Goddamn, dude!

806
00:41:20,928 --> 00:41:22,763
What the fuck?

807
00:42:11,228 --> 00:42:13,313
High voltage? What...

808
00:42:20,521 --> 00:42:23,240
- Oh! Oh, God!
- Get over here!

809
00:42:46,964 --> 00:42:48,382
Go, go, go, go!

810
00:43:03,313 --> 00:43:05,816
Fuck you!
Eat it! Eat it!

811
00:43:12,956 --> 00:43:14,324
Coming for you!

812
00:43:14,625 --> 00:43:15,991
Come on!

813
00:43:15,993 --> 00:43:17,744
I can suck way harder
than you, Bender!

814
00:43:18,128 --> 00:43:19,630
Let's get it!

815
00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:24,835
Fuck it.

816
00:43:34,561 --> 00:43:35,512
Ah, good!

817
00:43:35,929 --> 00:43:36,980
Cheaters!

818
00:43:39,149 --> 00:43:40,684
Not today!

819
00:43:42,436 --> 00:43:44,605
Don't touch me, Bender! Aaah!

820
00:43:48,075 --> 00:43:51,528
I am Kong King!

821
00:43:56,950 --> 00:43:58,418
Stop Shelly!

822
00:44:06,677 --> 00:44:08,178
Oh, no! Oh, no!

823
00:44:08,545 --> 00:44:11,131
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no!

824
00:44:15,102 --> 00:44:16,553
Son of a bitch!

825
00:44:52,139 --> 00:44:53,638
You finished?

826
00:44:53,640 --> 00:44:56,057
Bob put zero effort
into this event.

827
00:44:56,059 --> 00:44:57,559
This is
fucking dumb.

828
00:44:57,561 --> 00:44:59,477
Oh, come on.
I lost my whole lure.

829
00:45:04,184 --> 00:45:05,767
Is there money in there?

830
00:45:05,769 --> 00:45:07,654
- Open it.
- Be careful, Doc.

831
00:45:13,026 --> 00:45:14,111
Yeah!

832
00:45:15,612 --> 00:45:17,497
Oh, no!

833
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:22,286
- Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
- Oh, God!

834
00:45:43,106 --> 00:45:44,191
Yeah, baby.

835
00:45:44,691 --> 00:45:46,191
Okay.
Remember them well.

836
00:45:46,193 --> 00:45:48,195
All right, here we are, boys...
the old watering hole.

837
00:45:48,695 --> 00:45:50,530
The old Spread Eagle
Bar and Grill.

838
00:45:52,399 --> 00:45:54,701
It's also the home
of our next challenge.

839
00:45:54,952 --> 00:45:56,820
So full
of curveballs.

840
00:45:57,070 --> 00:45:58,155
Who here thinks
they got what it takes

841
00:45:58,655 --> 00:45:59,573
when it comes to
charming the ladies?

842
00:46:01,375 --> 00:46:02,793
Well, that's part of it.

843
00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:04,661
You think you can get
a girl to buy you a drink?

844
00:46:04,995 --> 00:46:06,580
Okay, easy enough.

845
00:46:06,997 --> 00:46:08,830
Take them on the dance floor and
maybe get a kiss on the lips?

846
00:46:08,832 --> 00:46:11,132
- Oh, please.
- Bob, come on.

847
00:46:11,134 --> 00:46:13,303
Okay, well,
who can do that

848
00:46:13,587 --> 00:46:15,472
without shitting
your pants first?

849
00:46:18,175 --> 00:46:20,175
Yeah, you all got real serious
now, didn't you?

850
00:46:20,177 --> 00:46:22,145
- Bob, that's perverse.
- Nope, that's the next challenge.

851
00:46:22,479 --> 00:46:24,429
I like to call it
"intestinal fortitude."

852
00:46:24,431 --> 00:46:27,315
Man, this is the dumbest shit ever.
Are you fucking kidding me?

853
00:46:27,317 --> 00:46:29,152
- No.
- Corn dogs and laxatives?

854
00:46:29,486 --> 00:46:31,569
You are the ones that wanted
to play for 150,000 bucks.

855
00:46:31,571 --> 00:46:33,023
I'm just trying to
make you earn it.

856
00:46:33,407 --> 00:46:35,490
Sounds like somebody
doesn't want to compete.

857
00:46:35,492 --> 00:46:37,993
- And if you don't compete...
- You must concede.

858
00:46:37,995 --> 00:46:41,696
I'm not conceding! I'm a fucking
cock rooster. Gonna get me a chicken.

859
00:46:41,698 --> 00:46:44,451
- Here we go.
- Oh, man.

860
00:47:04,021 --> 00:47:05,305
Oh, my God.

861
00:47:07,024 --> 00:47:09,607
- Your bag is everything.
- Oh, thank you.

862
00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:11,893
- I'm sorry. May I?
- Absolutely.

863
00:47:11,895 --> 00:47:13,947
- Look at that.
- It's watermelon.

864
00:47:14,147 --> 00:47:16,064
I think I might be the last
piece to this puzzle.

865
00:47:16,066 --> 00:47:17,868
Oh!

866
00:47:19,703 --> 00:47:21,536
My mouth is very dry.

867
00:47:21,538 --> 00:47:24,039
- Can I get you a drink?
- You are so very sweet.

868
00:47:24,041 --> 00:47:26,043
- Absolutely.
- I... Just this once.

869
00:47:26,543 --> 00:47:29,327
- Okay. What do you like?
- Oh, anything that's wet.

870
00:47:29,329 --> 00:47:30,247
Oh...
Oh!

871
00:47:30,630 --> 00:47:32,466
Hey, can you buy me a drink?

872
00:47:32,666 --> 00:47:33,717
I live in my van.

873
00:47:34,167 --> 00:47:35,218
What? No.

874
00:47:36,636 --> 00:47:38,388
I'll chow your box
for a week.

875
00:47:38,638 --> 00:47:40,173
You like vodka?

876
00:47:40,557 --> 00:47:42,807
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

877
00:47:42,809 --> 00:47:44,261
Two wet ones.

878
00:47:44,678 --> 00:47:46,179
Yeah, hi.
This is Dr. Kelly.

879
00:47:53,570 --> 00:47:55,605
You look like
you need a blow job.

880
00:47:58,241 --> 00:47:59,743
- Shot, silly.
- Oh.

881
00:48:00,077 --> 00:48:01,025
What did you think
I meant?

882
00:48:01,027 --> 00:48:02,913
Uh, you know, oral...

883
00:48:04,748 --> 00:48:07,584
Can you please just call me back?
I miss you.

884
00:48:07,951 --> 00:48:08,952
All right, bye.

885
00:48:09,286 --> 00:48:12,339
Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

886
00:48:13,757 --> 00:48:15,208
I would buy you a drink...

887
00:48:16,676 --> 00:48:19,677
but my friends and I are playing
this ridiculous game

888
00:48:19,679 --> 00:48:21,963
where we're trying to get
women to buy us drinks.

889
00:48:21,965 --> 00:48:24,134
That's refreshingly
honest.

890
00:48:24,384 --> 00:48:27,802
- It's ridiculous.
- I feel like buying you a drink.

891
00:48:27,804 --> 00:48:30,107
- Okay.
- What'll it be?

892
00:48:31,191 --> 00:48:33,193
Uh-oh. You look lonely.

893
00:48:33,693 --> 00:48:36,696
The cure for that is,
you buy me a drink,

894
00:48:37,197 --> 00:48:38,198
and I'll sit...

895
00:48:39,199 --> 00:48:40,650
I'll save
this seat for you.

896
00:48:41,651 --> 00:48:43,653
You know what drinking
makes me want to do?

897
00:48:44,154 --> 00:48:46,656
- What's that?
- It makes me want to feel, and it makes me want to move.

898
00:48:47,157 --> 00:48:49,376
- You want to move with me?
- Ooh, absolutely!

899
00:48:49,576 --> 00:48:51,661
Oh, I know you.
Hi, Durf.

900
00:48:54,581 --> 00:48:56,967
Here we go. Here it is.

901
00:48:57,250 --> 00:48:58,833
There's a kink there
that's very sensitive

902
00:48:58,835 --> 00:49:00,835
- on the right side, yeah.
- Oh, I can feel that.

903
00:49:00,837 --> 00:49:02,337
Why don't you order us
a couple drinks,

904
00:49:02,339 --> 00:49:04,339
and I'll get you
all fixed up?

905
00:49:04,341 --> 00:49:06,341
Um, sure.

906
00:49:06,343 --> 00:49:08,843
Eddie,
two vodka cranberry.

907
00:49:08,845 --> 00:49:10,847
Careful.
I'm very sensitive.

908
00:49:11,348 --> 00:49:13,850
Nice and loosey-goosey.
Nice and loosey-goosey.

909
00:49:14,351 --> 00:49:15,352
Aaah!

910
00:49:15,852 --> 00:49:17,354
- Oh, yeah, there you go.
- Oh, God!

911
00:49:17,854 --> 00:49:21,322
- How's that? Nice?
- I think you just made it worse.

912
00:49:21,324 --> 00:49:25,162
- Stand up. Let's check that weight distribution.
- Okay, hang on.

913
00:49:25,362 --> 00:49:28,698
- I love your hair. Do you sleep in the woods?
- Sometimes.

914
00:49:28,949 --> 00:49:31,533
I got a half a bottle
of Fireball parked outside

915
00:49:31,535 --> 00:49:34,004
in my Kia Sorento,
if you're interested in coming out back.

916
00:49:34,955 --> 00:49:36,454
Yes. Yes, I am.

917
00:49:36,456 --> 00:49:37,757
- Yes, I am.
- Good.

918
00:49:38,008 --> 00:49:41,509
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Save it, kitty. Save it.

919
00:49:41,511 --> 00:49:44,848
Let's hit the dance floor,
and you can ride me like a fucking animal.

920
00:49:45,131 --> 00:49:47,467
- I will. I will.
- Okay, let's go.

921
00:49:57,861 --> 00:50:00,445
If you let
your hips go,

922
00:50:00,447 --> 00:50:02,447
your neck will follow.

923
00:50:02,449 --> 00:50:04,451
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to dance with me?

924
00:50:04,951 --> 00:50:06,951
Yeah. No, I'm...

925
00:50:08,321 --> 00:50:11,206
Oh, no.

926
00:50:11,208 --> 00:50:12,709
Oh, no!

927
00:50:13,210 --> 00:50:15,045
Where's the bathroom?

928
00:50:15,245 --> 00:50:16,830
That's it for Doc.

929
00:50:20,750 --> 00:50:22,802
- I don't want to buy you a drink.
- What's the big deal?

930
00:50:23,003 --> 00:50:25,420
- Fuck off, please.
- What did you say to me?

931
00:50:25,422 --> 00:50:28,925
- I said, "Walk off."
- Hey! The lady said no, asshole.

932
00:50:29,175 --> 00:50:32,512
- Fuck off, shrimp dick. Come on. Please.
- No!

933
00:50:34,347 --> 00:50:35,849
Hey, bud,
how's it going?

934
00:50:36,349 --> 00:50:38,349
How does it look
like it's going, bitch?

935
00:50:38,351 --> 00:50:39,851
Okay.

936
00:50:39,853 --> 00:50:42,239
Zane, I forgot what a good
dancer you are, man.

937
00:50:42,489 --> 00:50:44,858
- Yeah?
- What was that move you used to do back in the day?

938
00:50:45,191 --> 00:50:47,110
It was sick.
You used to kill it.

939
00:50:47,410 --> 00:50:51,281
It's not a move, Bender.
It's called art.

940
00:50:51,498 --> 00:50:53,333
- Hey, dude, break it out, man.
- Yeah?

941
00:50:53,833 --> 00:50:54,832
Yeah.

942
00:50:54,834 --> 00:50:57,704
- Here at the Spread Eagle?
- Yeah.

943
00:50:58,038 --> 00:50:59,339
Okay.

944
00:51:02,042 --> 00:51:04,125
Oh!

945
00:51:04,127 --> 00:51:07,128
Oh, Bender,
you made me...

946
00:51:07,130 --> 00:51:10,550
- Oh!
- What happened?

947
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:12,886
I'm having a hard time
understanding what's she's doing.

948
00:51:13,386 --> 00:51:15,388
- Why would she do that?
- She just left.

949
00:51:15,889 --> 00:51:17,889
She just left,
and... and I'm...

950
00:51:17,891 --> 00:51:20,894
I'm a little busted up about it.

951
00:51:21,394 --> 00:51:23,396
I mean, she's...
I love her.

952
00:51:23,897 --> 00:51:25,897
She is beautiful.
Tiff...

953
00:51:32,122 --> 00:51:34,124
You like that, huh?

954
00:51:34,624 --> 00:51:37,742
Who's the shrimp dick now, motherfucker?
Who's the shrimp dick now?

955
00:51:37,744 --> 00:51:39,496
Let me go,
shrimp dick!

956
00:51:39,746 --> 00:51:41,247
What's up, Durf?

957
00:51:41,631 --> 00:51:43,133
Having some troubles?
Struggling a little bit?

958
00:51:43,416 --> 00:51:44,467
I'm good.

959
00:51:44,834 --> 00:51:45,802
You don't look good.

960
00:51:46,086 --> 00:51:47,137
Oh, fuck!

961
00:51:47,470 --> 00:51:48,555
Let it out!

962
00:51:51,725 --> 00:51:55,810
I'm gonna crush you,
you little Oompa Loompa motherfucker!

963
00:51:55,812 --> 00:51:59,232
Shh, shh. Go to sleep.
Shh, just let it happen.

964
00:51:59,566 --> 00:52:02,150
Shh.

965
00:52:02,152 --> 00:52:04,020
Shh.

966
00:52:04,821 --> 00:52:07,157
Yes! Yeah!

967
00:52:14,114 --> 00:52:16,116
Congratulations, Bender.

968
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:25,592
Hey, Shelly.

969
00:52:26,092 --> 00:52:28,593
You looked pretty good
until the fight started.

970
00:52:28,595 --> 00:52:29,961
I don't want
to talk about it.

971
00:52:29,963 --> 00:52:31,848
- That guy was really small.
- Bender...

972
00:52:32,182 --> 00:52:34,768
I know they like to be called little
people, but I'd classify that guy...

973
00:52:35,218 --> 00:52:37,637
- Shut your cock pocket.
- What the fuck are we doing here?

974
00:52:37,887 --> 00:52:40,890
- Seriously, Bob. I have meat strapped to my face.
- Hold your horses, boys.

975
00:52:41,224 --> 00:52:43,775
It'll be here momentarily.
But first,

976
00:52:43,777 --> 00:52:46,778
I decided to throw a little
curveball into this one.

977
00:52:46,780 --> 00:52:49,566
- Oh!
- We're gonna hit this.

978
00:52:49,783 --> 00:52:52,152
- Oh, man.
- Oh, fuck, yes. Let's get weird.

979
00:52:52,318 --> 00:52:53,901
- Please!
- What does that mean?

980
00:52:53,903 --> 00:52:55,405
You're saying
you've never smoked pot?

981
00:52:55,822 --> 00:52:57,405
You don't fucking know
what I do

982
00:52:57,407 --> 00:52:58,742
when I go
to the clubs, man.

983
00:52:58,958 --> 00:53:00,877
I get super paranoid
when I smoke grass.

984
00:53:01,127 --> 00:53:02,712
Come on. You know the rules.
Buddy Games, baby.

985
00:53:03,213 --> 00:53:05,465
- If you can't compete, you must concede.
- It's medicinal.

986
00:53:05,749 --> 00:53:07,834
Bet I'm the only
one that's smoked hash.

987
00:53:08,334 --> 00:53:10,170
Guys, they test
sometimes on movie sets.

988
00:53:10,420 --> 00:53:11,838
I don't know if I can
have this in my system.

989
00:53:12,088 --> 00:53:13,673
That's the shit
that killed Hendrix.

990
00:53:14,174 --> 00:53:16,676
Yeah, boy!
Bye, bye, brain.

991
00:53:19,095 --> 00:53:20,595
Take it.

992
00:53:20,597 --> 00:53:21,898
- Got it?
- Got it.

993
00:53:23,233 --> 00:53:24,651
Don't bogart that shit.

994
00:53:26,569 --> 00:53:27,937
Fuck you.

995
00:53:31,441 --> 00:53:33,193
Holy shit.

996
00:53:33,410 --> 00:53:35,862
You're blowing it out and
sucking it in at the same time?

997
00:53:38,081 --> 00:53:40,867
- This is a bad idea.
- All right, boys.

998
00:53:41,034 --> 00:53:42,619
The final event
of the day.

999
00:53:43,620 --> 00:53:46,120
This is not a game
of strength

1000
00:53:46,122 --> 00:53:48,458
or endurance,
but rather a test of courage,

1001
00:53:48,675 --> 00:53:52,295
and it will determine tomorrow's
three finalists in the endgame.

1002
00:53:52,629 --> 00:53:55,598
So ask yourselves, how bad
do you want that money, boys?

1003
00:53:55,849 --> 00:53:57,932
- Bad. Real bad.
- Real bad.

1004
00:53:57,934 --> 00:53:59,769
The game is simple.

1005
00:54:00,103 --> 00:54:02,687
The last one to keep
his head above board wins.

1006
00:54:02,689 --> 00:54:04,190
Enter the dragon!

1007
00:54:04,641 --> 00:54:06,190
What?

1008
00:54:09,195 --> 00:54:11,529
- Bob, what the fuck is that thing?
- What the fuck is that?

1009
00:54:11,531 --> 00:54:13,700
- What the fuck is that, man.
- It's a dinosaur.

1010
00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:23,126
Hey, Bob. Bob left.

1011
00:54:23,293 --> 00:54:25,712
Bob, what
a fucking coward.

1012
00:54:41,427 --> 00:54:44,430
Yeah. Look at Shelly
and his juicy, fat head.

1013
00:54:44,898 --> 00:54:46,850
Eat off the rest
of his hair.

1014
00:54:49,936 --> 00:54:50,937
Doc!

1015
00:54:51,271 --> 00:54:52,822
- Oh, my God!
- Doc!

1016
00:54:53,406 --> 00:54:56,276
- Tell me you're okay!
- That was intense.

1017
00:54:56,526 --> 00:54:59,579
Doc, talk to me!
Doc, just talk!

1018
00:55:00,029 --> 00:55:01,579
He senses fear!

1019
00:55:01,581 --> 00:55:04,000
Doc was weak,
like you, Zane.

1020
00:55:04,334 --> 00:55:05,335
Yeah.

1021
00:55:10,206 --> 00:55:12,208
Yeah, I'm not afraid.

1022
00:55:12,625 --> 00:55:14,210
Oh, no. Oh, God.

1023
00:55:16,212 --> 00:55:18,131
No. No.

1024
00:55:23,553 --> 00:55:26,472
Ugh! I'm sorry, Mom!

1025
00:55:33,229 --> 00:55:36,149
That's it, motherfucker.
That's it, motherfucker.

1026
00:55:36,399 --> 00:55:37,901
Huh?

1027
00:55:38,318 --> 00:55:40,484
Shelly, get out of there.
You win, man.

1028
00:55:40,486 --> 00:55:44,155
- What are you doing?
- You want a piece of me, huh?

1029
00:55:44,157 --> 00:55:47,627
You stupid fucking pea-brained
lizard, you think I'm scared of you?

1030
00:55:47,994 --> 00:55:49,412
Shelly, man, you already won.
Get out of there!

1031
00:55:49,746 --> 00:55:52,081
Where is it?
Where is it? Come on!

1032
00:55:52,332 --> 00:55:53,883
Oh, my God!

1033
00:56:08,648 --> 00:56:09,599
Hey.

1034
00:56:12,685 --> 00:56:13,570
You all right?

1035
00:56:13,903 --> 00:56:15,989
Uh-huh. Good times, man.

1036
00:56:16,406 --> 00:56:17,989
You're sort of gazing
right into that fire.

1037
00:56:17,991 --> 00:56:21,277
I'm just a little
worried about you.

1038
00:56:24,030 --> 00:56:26,416
Hey, look, I know you're
pissed at me right now...

1039
00:56:26,699 --> 00:56:29,786
Why would I be pissed at you?
'Cause you lied to me about everything?

1040
00:56:30,203 --> 00:56:33,089
I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I am. But I did it for...

1041
00:56:33,256 --> 00:56:35,174
Don't apologize.
You literally saved my life.

1042
00:56:35,425 --> 00:56:38,294
- Well, I wouldn't go that far. I mean...
- No.

1043
00:56:38,461 --> 00:56:41,045
This little reunion could just
as easily have been my funeral,

1044
00:56:41,047 --> 00:56:43,549
but now I got a reason
to live again, man.

1045
00:56:45,051 --> 00:56:47,637
And that? I owe that all
to you, little buddy.

1046
00:56:50,857 --> 00:56:53,309
Can I get you anything?
Another near beer?

1047
00:56:53,643 --> 00:56:55,226
Nah, I'm good.

1048
00:56:55,228 --> 00:56:58,231
- Okay.
- You know what, though? I'm gonna get you something.

1049
00:56:58,648 --> 00:57:01,034
- Okay.
- Show you how I feel about everything.

1050
00:57:01,367 --> 00:57:03,319
- Ooh!
- Oh, yeah.

1051
00:57:29,679 --> 00:57:33,016
- How many cards you want, Doc?
- Hey, fellas.

1052
00:57:33,266 --> 00:57:34,849
Look, I'm a little
embarrassed

1053
00:57:34,851 --> 00:57:37,353
by my behavior earlier...
I got a little crazy there.

1054
00:57:37,770 --> 00:57:41,939
It's just been a long day of
excruciating pain and humiliation.

1055
00:57:41,941 --> 00:57:44,494
I feel bad about
the way I behaved.

1056
00:57:44,694 --> 00:57:47,278
I feel better now because being
with you guys means the world to me.

1057
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:51,032
As a token of my appreciation,
I made you guys these frosty pina coladas.

1058
00:57:51,034 --> 00:57:53,334
One for everybody.
Get in there!

1059
00:57:53,336 --> 00:57:56,255
- Can you get me one?
- Guys...

1060
00:57:56,539 --> 00:57:58,758
Thanks, man.
Look how frothy these are.

1061
00:57:59,042 --> 00:58:02,378
- Shelly did a fun thing. Look, Bob.
- Thank you, bro. Wow.

1062
00:58:02,595 --> 00:58:04,597
Mmm. It's different,
but it's good.

1063
00:58:04,931 --> 00:58:07,298
Creamy, ooh.
I like it.

1064
00:58:07,300 --> 00:58:10,851
My mom always said, "If the drinks are
free, drink till you can't walk or see."

1065
00:58:10,853 --> 00:58:13,856
Shelly, are you good?
I thought you were on the wagon.

1066
00:58:14,223 --> 00:58:15,808
Never been better, buddy.
Never been better.

1067
00:58:16,309 --> 00:58:18,811
This is exactly
what I needed.

1068
00:58:19,228 --> 00:58:21,280
All right. Don't get too drunk
and then whip your pants down

1069
00:58:21,698 --> 00:58:23,981
- and start playing with your empty bean bag chair.
- All right.

1070
00:58:23,983 --> 00:58:27,120
- Hey, to Shelly.
- To Shelly Belly. Love you, Shel.

1071
00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:28,404
Glad to
have you back, brother.

1072
00:58:28,905 --> 00:58:30,907
Cheers, cheers.

1073
00:58:31,407 --> 00:58:33,376
Yo, Doc,
I think you need to have

1074
00:58:33,710 --> 00:58:36,577
a doctor look at that thing.
It's starting to drip.

1075
00:58:36,579 --> 00:58:37,712
I am a doctor, Durf.

1076
00:58:37,714 --> 00:58:38,998
So good, man!

1077
00:58:39,382 --> 00:58:40,416
I didn't mean it
like that.

1078
00:58:40,750 --> 00:58:42,833
So how's La La Land
treating you, bro?

1079
00:58:42,835 --> 00:58:44,253
Yeah, Hollywood man.

1080
00:58:44,554 --> 00:58:46,639
Pretty darn good.
I'm feeling blessed.

1081
00:58:47,140 --> 00:58:50,141
- I got a lot of things coming down the pipeline.
- That's great, man.

1082
00:58:50,143 --> 00:58:53,146
- Couple things in postproduction.
- What's postproduction?

1083
00:58:53,646 --> 00:58:55,982
That's a good question.
Editing,

1084
00:58:56,182 --> 00:58:58,317
color timing, scoring...

1085
00:58:58,684 --> 00:58:59,769
Scoring, verb...

1086
00:59:00,269 --> 00:59:02,269
What Zane does every night
with the ladies.

1087
00:59:05,775 --> 00:59:07,360
You know what you should do?

1088
00:59:07,860 --> 00:59:10,861
Seriously.
Work with Mark Wahlberg.

1089
00:59:10,863 --> 00:59:12,198
Guy is money.

1090
00:59:12,582 --> 00:59:14,951
He kicks all kinds of ass.

1091
00:59:15,118 --> 00:59:17,503
He's got that itty-bitty waist,
but he seems like an accessible guy.

1092
00:59:17,703 --> 00:59:19,088
Like, the kind of guy
you can talk to.

1093
00:59:19,255 --> 00:59:20,840
That's a really helpful tip.
Thank you.

1094
00:59:21,207 --> 00:59:22,790
Yeah, for sure.

1095
00:59:22,792 --> 00:59:24,594
But seriously, like,
what do you got, Durfy?

1096
00:59:24,794 --> 00:59:27,380
Uh, I was told not to
let anybody watch this,

1097
00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:29,882
but I did get an early cut
of something

1098
00:59:30,299 --> 00:59:32,635
that I have on my phone if you
guys want to take a little look.

1099
00:59:32,885 --> 00:59:34,969
All right.

1100
00:59:34,971 --> 00:59:37,972
You can't tell anyone
you saw this, though, okay?

1101
00:59:37,974 --> 00:59:41,277
This is what we call
an industrial in the biz.

1102
00:59:43,529 --> 00:59:45,029
Oh, she's pregnant.

1103
00:59:45,031 --> 00:59:47,898
Who's that handsome guy?

1104
00:59:47,900 --> 00:59:50,069
- Black-and-white. Nice touch.
- Artsy.

1105
00:59:50,236 --> 00:59:51,819
She's cute.

1106
00:59:51,821 --> 00:59:54,290
It's likeRaging Bull.

1107
00:59:54,624 --> 00:59:56,626
It's got a great twist,
too, you guys.

1108
01:00:05,084 --> 01:00:06,669
Oh, God, she's so good.

1109
01:00:07,170 --> 01:00:09,172
I really liked
working with her.

1110
01:00:14,594 --> 01:00:16,177
Um...

1111
01:00:16,179 --> 01:00:18,179
- Oh, man.
- Wow.

1112
01:00:18,181 --> 01:00:20,183
Man, she gets me
when she gives that look.

1113
01:00:20,683 --> 01:00:22,683
- What do you think?
- Yeah, it's...

1114
01:00:22,685 --> 01:00:24,103
Let me get
this straight.

1115
01:00:24,487 --> 01:00:27,023
You stay at home,
and your wife goes to war?

1116
01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:30,860
Yeah, well, um, you know,
somebody has to watch the baby.

1117
01:00:31,110 --> 01:00:32,995
I didn't write it.
I just act in it, so...

1118
01:00:33,496 --> 01:00:35,832
No, totally. America thanks
you for your service, man.

1119
01:00:36,165 --> 01:00:39,416
- How do you make yourself cry?
- On the day, I wasn't able to,

1120
01:00:39,418 --> 01:00:41,787
so they just put
a drop in your eye.

1121
01:00:42,038 --> 01:00:44,090
- You didn't cry?
- Well, not on that day.

1122
01:00:44,457 --> 01:00:46,042
- Wow!
- I always though you actually cried.

1123
01:00:46,459 --> 01:00:49,543
- I think it looks real.
- Come on. This...

1124
01:00:49,545 --> 01:00:52,546
We're his best friends.
We owe him honesty here.

1125
01:00:52,548 --> 01:00:56,050
Durf, I love you.
That's a terrible commercial.

1126
01:00:56,052 --> 01:00:59,388
That's 100%
Rotten Tomatoes, man.

1127
01:00:59,639 --> 01:01:01,722
Yeah, I have other things
maybe you'll dig.

1128
01:01:01,724 --> 01:01:03,643
Of course you will,
and they'll be awesome.

1129
01:01:03,976 --> 01:01:06,062
No, we're all pro-troops,
but that was anti-acting.

1130
01:01:06,562 --> 01:01:08,981
That's good, though, dude.
Next time, Durf.

1131
01:01:09,365 --> 01:01:10,948
I'm kidding, Dude.

1132
01:01:10,950 --> 01:01:13,236
I'll get an eyedropper, dude.
Don't well up.

1133
01:01:13,486 --> 01:01:16,070
I loved it. Hey, it's time
to announce the finalists.

1134
01:01:16,072 --> 01:01:17,907
- Come on. Let's go.
- This is go time.

1135
01:01:18,207 --> 01:01:19,625
- Come on, baby.
- Come on. Let's go.

1136
01:01:20,993 --> 01:01:22,745
I liked your movie, Durf.

1137
01:01:22,962 --> 01:01:24,914
Thanks, man.

1138
01:01:26,299 --> 01:01:28,799
All right, boys, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

1139
01:01:28,801 --> 01:01:31,302
As you can see, I stand
among these tiki torches.

1140
01:01:31,304 --> 01:01:33,804
These three tiki torches
represent the three guys

1141
01:01:33,806 --> 01:01:36,307
who will be competing
in tomorrow's final event.

1142
01:01:36,309 --> 01:01:38,809
If I call your name,
you're in. Ready?

1143
01:01:38,811 --> 01:01:40,646
And remember,
we're playing for this.

1144
01:01:40,897 --> 01:01:42,765
- Yeah.
- Hell, yeah.

1145
01:01:43,015 --> 01:01:46,402
- Say my name.
- The first finalist in this year's Buddy Games is...

1146
01:01:46,602 --> 01:01:48,686
Bob Schmidt.

1147
01:01:48,688 --> 01:01:50,690
Is there a Bob Schm...
Oh, that's me.

1148
01:01:51,190 --> 01:01:53,109
That's me.

1149
01:01:53,409 --> 01:01:55,912
All right,
game one, game one.

1150
01:01:56,245 --> 01:01:58,114
Hey, check it.
The score's right here.

1151
01:01:58,364 --> 01:02:01,250
And the next finalist is...

1152
01:02:01,450 --> 01:02:02,835
Dixon Bender.

1153
01:02:03,085 --> 01:02:05,169
- Yes!
- What?

1154
01:02:05,171 --> 01:02:07,671
- I did better than Bender did.
- I did not see that coming.

1155
01:02:07,673 --> 01:02:09,625
- Yep, I saw it coming.
- I want a recount.

1156
01:02:10,042 --> 01:02:11,460
You'd be up here if you held
your shit the longest.

1157
01:02:11,761 --> 01:02:13,629
That's right.
And the third finalist

1158
01:02:13,846 --> 01:02:15,930
may not be the most
athletic guy here.

1159
01:02:15,932 --> 01:02:18,267
- In fact, he's probably the least athletic guy here.
- Doc.

1160
01:02:18,467 --> 01:02:21,470
- Oh, no. That's not good for me.
- He demonstrated nerves of steel

1161
01:02:21,804 --> 01:02:24,807
in the face of dragons.
It's Shelly Baldinger!

1162
01:02:25,107 --> 01:02:27,191
- Yeah!
- You got to be kidding me!

1163
01:02:27,193 --> 01:02:29,693
- What? Are you joking?
- Yep.

1164
01:02:29,695 --> 01:02:30,980
That's bullshit.

1165
01:02:31,197 --> 01:02:32,281
Don't look so down, Durf.

1166
01:02:32,782 --> 01:02:35,282
Maybe there's a tampon
commercial in your future.

1167
01:02:35,284 --> 01:02:37,737
Yeah. Anything with
a vagina, you know?

1168
01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:40,487
Or a fake baby.
You fuckers.

1169
01:02:40,489 --> 01:02:43,793
I don't know how I'm not a finalist.

1170
01:02:44,293 --> 01:02:47,077
- I want a recount.
- Hey, who wants a pina colada?

1171
01:02:47,079 --> 01:02:50,047
- I want a pina colada!
- Who wants a pina colada?

1172
01:02:50,049 --> 01:02:52,468
When I say "pina,"
you say "colada"!

1173
01:02:52,969 --> 01:02:55,254
- Pina! Pina!
- Colada! Colada!

1174
01:03:50,726 --> 01:03:51,694
Hey.

1175
01:03:54,230 --> 01:03:56,232
Hey. Shelly.

1176
01:03:57,233 --> 01:03:59,318
Shelly.

1177
01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:04,154
Guys. Guys, come here.
Shelly's out cold here.

1178
01:04:04,156 --> 01:04:06,492
Oh, you know what that means.
Balls and gravy!

1179
01:04:06,992 --> 01:04:09,493
No, no, no, no. I'm serious.
I can't tell if he's breathing.

1180
01:04:09,495 --> 01:04:11,995
- What? He's just passed out.
- All right, get out of my way.

1181
01:04:11,997 --> 01:04:13,999
Let me handle this.
Let me handle this.

1182
01:04:17,219 --> 01:04:18,721
- Oh, no.
- What?

1183
01:04:19,055 --> 01:04:20,973
- This is bad, guys.
- Give it to us straight, Doc.

1184
01:04:21,340 --> 01:04:23,426
It's an impingement
between C3 and C4.

1185
01:04:23,926 --> 01:04:25,311
Are you kidding me?
Is he breathing?

1186
01:04:25,728 --> 01:04:27,596
Yes, he's breathing.
He's fine.

1187
01:04:27,897 --> 01:04:29,398
He's just
a big, ugly baby.

1188
01:04:29,732 --> 01:04:31,567
He's fine.
He's sleeping.

1189
01:04:32,601 --> 01:04:35,521
Where's... Where's Durfy?

1190
01:04:35,771 --> 01:04:37,654
- I don't know.
- That's odd.

1191
01:04:37,656 --> 01:04:40,107
- Durfy!
- Durf!

1192
01:04:40,109 --> 01:04:42,695
- Durfy! Durfy!
- Durf! Durf!

1193
01:04:44,697 --> 01:04:46,697
This is bullshit.

1194
01:04:46,699 --> 01:04:49,168
I'm gonna pack my bags
and get out of here.

1195
01:04:54,707 --> 01:04:56,709
What the hell is that?

1196
01:05:03,682 --> 01:05:05,134
What the fuck?

1197
01:05:05,468 --> 01:05:07,468
- He's not out there.
- His car's still here.

1198
01:05:07,470 --> 01:05:09,937
- He's not in his room.
- I called him. He didn't answer.

1199
01:05:09,939 --> 01:05:11,891
- Where would he be?
- Oh, you guys.

1200
01:05:12,224 --> 01:05:13,309
- What?
- The commercial.

1201
01:05:13,692 --> 01:05:15,275
His commercial
about lady Marines.

1202
01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:17,446
Dude, our own military might
attack us over that commercial.

1203
01:05:17,780 --> 01:05:20,282
- We shit all over it.
- We were being honest. It sucked.

1204
01:05:20,566 --> 01:05:23,650
- We didn't have to be that honest.
- You know how sensitive he is.

1205
01:05:23,652 --> 01:05:25,488
Fuck! He probably
wandered off somewhere.

1206
01:05:25,788 --> 01:05:28,491
- We got to go looking for him.
- Somebody's got to watch Shelly.

1207
01:05:28,707 --> 01:05:29,658
The doctor should.

1208
01:05:29,959 --> 01:05:30,910
I want Bender to stay.

1209
01:05:31,160 --> 01:05:32,161
- You hear that?
- What'd you say?

1210
01:05:32,545 --> 01:05:34,046
He picked Bender.

1211
01:05:34,463 --> 01:05:36,499
- He said "Doctor."
- He said "Bender." I heard him.

1212
01:05:36,916 --> 01:05:38,999
- Bender, you stay here. Stay with him.
- Are you kidding me?

1213
01:05:39,001 --> 01:05:40,886
Grab the torches, boys.
Let's go find him.

1214
01:05:41,137 --> 01:05:43,222
What if he wakes up?
Do I have to talk to him?

1215
01:05:46,225 --> 01:05:47,176
Stay back!

1216
01:05:51,730 --> 01:05:53,232
Leave me alone!

1217
01:05:54,733 --> 01:05:56,235
Oh! Shelter.

1218
01:06:22,378 --> 01:06:23,879
Durfy?

1219
01:06:25,381 --> 01:06:27,883
- Durf!
- Durf and Turf?

1220
01:06:29,051 --> 01:06:31,103
What is that? What is that?

1221
01:06:35,724 --> 01:06:37,309
How's it getting
in the door?

1222
01:06:40,312 --> 01:06:42,481
What?

1223
01:06:50,573 --> 01:06:52,825
Where are you?

1224
01:06:56,295 --> 01:06:57,796
You hear that?

1225
01:06:58,297 --> 01:06:59,798
Oh, my God.

1226
01:07:00,249 --> 01:07:02,299
- That way.
- Let's go get our boy.

1227
01:07:02,301 --> 01:07:03,669
We're coming, Durf!

1228
01:07:28,861 --> 01:07:30,446
What?

1229
01:07:31,697 --> 01:07:33,249
That's weird.

1230
01:07:45,844 --> 01:07:47,796
Don't make me do this.

1231
01:07:48,213 --> 01:07:49,598
Please!

1232
01:07:49,798 --> 01:07:52,384
Okay, I'm going
to let you go.

1233
01:07:52,885 --> 01:07:54,768
Stop fighting, okay?

1234
01:07:54,770 --> 01:07:56,388
Stay down.

1235
01:07:58,691 --> 01:08:00,693
Whore! Okay!

1236
01:08:03,729 --> 01:08:06,148
- Die you little...
- That's a tiny thing!

1237
01:08:06,615 --> 01:08:08,951
Durfy...
Knock it off, man!

1238
01:08:09,318 --> 01:08:10,786
Stop, man, stop!

1239
01:08:11,654 --> 01:08:14,123
Did he kill it?

1240
01:08:15,457 --> 01:08:16,542
Oh, my God!

1241
01:08:17,042 --> 01:08:19,411
You guys, that thing
was trying to kill me.

1242
01:08:19,712 --> 01:08:21,213
- Oh, my God.
- That little thing right there?

1243
01:08:21,580 --> 01:08:23,632
Yeah, it looks cute,
but it came in that shed

1244
01:08:23,999 --> 01:08:25,584
and got my ear
and my face.

1245
01:08:26,085 --> 01:08:28,470
- Holy mother of God.
- You look like shit, man.

1246
01:08:28,754 --> 01:08:30,339
Is that right?
I look like shit?

1247
01:08:30,839 --> 01:08:32,508
My commercial sucks. Do you
want to say anything else?

1248
01:08:33,008 --> 01:08:35,511
- I was just busting...
- No, no, I heard you loud and clear.

1249
01:08:36,011 --> 01:08:37,813
I heard you loud and clear.
The commercial sucked.

1250
01:08:38,013 --> 01:08:40,065
- We were just busting your chops.
- You know what else?

1251
01:08:40,599 --> 01:08:42,518
I'm not fucking making it
in Hollywood, okay?

1252
01:08:42,851 --> 01:08:45,437
Are you happy?
I don't have an agent.

1253
01:08:45,938 --> 01:08:48,739
I self-submit
to extras casting, okay?

1254
01:08:48,741 --> 01:08:50,691
I sell tape.

1255
01:08:50,693 --> 01:08:53,744
And right before I got here,
I shit the bed

1256
01:08:53,746 --> 01:08:56,747
on probably the best opportunity
I'm ever gonna have for a CW pilot.

1257
01:08:56,749 --> 01:08:59,700
And it's fucking gone, and that's it, okay?
So I fucking suck!

1258
01:08:59,702 --> 01:09:02,452
- You don't suck.
- You feel fucking funny now?

1259
01:09:02,454 --> 01:09:04,421
You want to make some
fucking jokes about that?

1260
01:09:04,423 --> 01:09:07,343
Durfy, calm down.
You're a little fired up right now.

1261
01:09:07,843 --> 01:09:10,346
No, no, no. Don't calm down.
Let him get it out.

1262
01:09:10,846 --> 01:09:15,217
What is this, Durf, huh? What is this,
your fucking goodbye speech? Huh?

1263
01:09:15,517 --> 01:09:17,936
We throw a little tough love your
way, and you throw in the towel?

1264
01:09:18,187 --> 01:09:20,771
You want to be an actor or not?
Start filming this.

1265
01:09:20,773 --> 01:09:24,274
You want to fucking be an actor
on a CW pilot, Durfy?

1266
01:09:24,276 --> 01:09:27,112
- Use it! Use it!
- Show me! Show me!

1267
01:09:27,396 --> 01:09:29,446
You guys, I just got attacked
by a fucking mink.

1268
01:09:29,448 --> 01:09:31,867
I'm not auditioning
in the woods, okay?

1269
01:09:34,703 --> 01:09:36,703
- I'm not gonna do this!
- Do it right now!

1270
01:09:36,705 --> 01:09:39,658
You guys knew what I was the whole
time, and you didn't tell me?

1271
01:09:42,127 --> 01:09:43,912
I thought I had cancer,
damn it.

1272
01:09:44,129 --> 01:09:46,713
Okay, so I'm a mutant?

1273
01:09:46,715 --> 01:09:48,717
So I'm gonna dedicate
the rest of my life...

1274
01:09:49,718 --> 01:09:52,219
to putting those
who would do ill to others

1275
01:09:52,221 --> 01:09:54,721
straight in the fucking ground.

1276
01:09:54,723 --> 01:09:57,226
And I don't care
if I have to die doing it.

1277
01:09:59,728 --> 01:10:02,514
John Durfy Jr,
Mutant Institute.

1278
01:10:02,765 --> 01:10:04,767
Yeah!

1279
01:10:05,100 --> 01:10:06,933
You guys,
that last part was improv.

1280
01:10:06,935 --> 01:10:09,236
Yeah, Durfy! Yeah!

1281
01:10:09,238 --> 01:10:12,191
That's not even in the script.
It's not even in the script.

1282
01:10:27,873 --> 01:10:28,841
Hi, Dixon.

1283
01:10:31,844 --> 01:10:33,345
Hey, Shelly.

1284
01:10:34,847 --> 01:10:38,133
Have an extra bowl of
Cuckoo Puffs this morning?

1285
01:10:38,350 --> 01:10:41,220
When are you gonna learn
to shut the fuck up, Bender?

1286
01:10:41,437 --> 01:10:43,439
Why am I here?

1287
01:10:43,806 --> 01:10:45,891
That is a really good question.
What are you doing here?

1288
01:10:46,391 --> 01:10:49,228
You're not supposed to be here.
I was very clear about that.

1289
01:10:49,528 --> 01:10:51,611
I have every right to be here.
I'm one of your oldest friends,

1290
01:10:51,613 --> 01:10:54,614
and I'm here to preserve
the sanctity of our friendship

1291
01:10:54,616 --> 01:10:56,869
and to beat your ass
in the Buddy Games.

1292
01:10:57,119 --> 01:10:59,488
I'm gonna wipe your ass
out there today.

1293
01:10:59,655 --> 01:11:01,156
You're gonna wipe my ass?

1294
01:11:01,457 --> 01:11:02,875
Yeah, with your face.

1295
01:11:03,075 --> 01:11:05,158
You're gonna wipe my ass
with my face.

1296
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:06,626
Got it, bud.

1297
01:11:06,628 --> 01:11:09,631
And I'm sure that Bob
will make that happen.

1298
01:11:10,082 --> 01:11:12,332
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You don't think this is all rigged for you?

1299
01:11:12,334 --> 01:11:16,221
Like you didn't know that?
Look, you made your point. Just let me out.

1300
01:11:19,925 --> 01:11:21,393
What the fuck are you doing?

1301
01:11:21,677 --> 01:11:22,728
You know what
your problem is, Bender?

1302
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:27,848
You don't know when to shut the fuck up!

1303
01:11:27,850 --> 01:11:30,569
No! You crazy fuck!

1304
01:11:30,936 --> 01:11:32,938
- No! All right, no!
- Yeah!

1305
01:11:33,438 --> 01:11:35,324
I won't say anything else.
I'll stop talking.

1306
01:11:36,692 --> 01:11:38,777
Oh, I really want to
believe you when you say

1307
01:11:39,244 --> 01:11:43,163
that the sanctity of our lifelong
friendship means something to you,

1308
01:11:43,165 --> 01:11:44,166
but...

1309
01:11:45,667 --> 01:11:46,668
I don't.

1310
01:11:49,705 --> 01:11:51,788
Is that supposed to
scare me?

1311
01:11:51,790 --> 01:11:53,290
When's the last time
you've driven a car?

1312
01:11:53,292 --> 01:11:55,093
Your mom
dropped you off here.

1313
01:11:55,344 --> 01:11:56,378
Don't you talk
about my mama.

1314
01:11:56,795 --> 01:11:58,714
Then get your fat ass
out of my mom's van!

1315
01:11:59,014 --> 01:11:59,963
You say you're sorry.

1316
01:11:59,965 --> 01:12:01,133
Sorry for what?

1317
01:12:01,383 --> 01:12:02,267
For ruining my life.

1318
01:12:02,518 --> 01:12:03,936
I didn't ruin your life!

1319
01:12:04,219 --> 01:12:05,270
You fucking say it!

1320
01:12:05,687 --> 01:12:06,638
Fuck you!

1321
01:12:09,808 --> 01:12:12,060
No! No!
Wait, wait, wait!

1322
01:12:12,394 --> 01:12:14,561
I didn't shoot you!
I didn't shoot you!

1323
01:12:14,563 --> 01:12:15,531
I didn't do...

1324
01:12:18,734 --> 01:12:20,118
No!

1325
01:12:28,210 --> 01:12:29,578
What did you say?

1326
01:12:29,878 --> 01:12:31,246
I said you're
a piece of shit!

1327
01:12:31,496 --> 01:12:33,582
No, that's not what you said.
You said you didn't do it.

1328
01:12:33,966 --> 01:12:37,052
Of course I didn't do it, man.
I'm not an animal.

1329
01:12:37,553 --> 01:12:40,556
I wouldn't shoot a man in the
balls, let alone my friend.

1330
01:12:41,056 --> 01:12:43,475
I love balls.
I have two of them.

1331
01:12:43,809 --> 01:12:48,180
Okay. You didn't do it?
Who did?

1332
01:12:50,515 --> 01:12:51,483
Nikki.

1333
01:12:52,401 --> 01:12:53,685
Bullshit.

1334
01:12:58,690 --> 01:12:59,658
What the fuck
are you talking about?

1335
01:13:00,576 --> 01:13:03,076
Why don't you teach him
a lesson.

1336
01:13:03,078 --> 01:13:04,997
From us. Come on.
It'll be fun.

1337
01:13:05,364 --> 01:13:08,417
- Rest it. Let it sit there.
- Right on the nose.

1338
01:13:10,619 --> 01:13:12,004
What if I did it
right there?

1339
01:13:12,204 --> 01:13:13,288
- Shoot him.
- Ooh.

1340
01:13:13,789 --> 01:13:15,791
But I couldn't do it.

1341
01:13:16,792 --> 01:13:19,211
So she took the gun from me
and pulled the trigger.

1342
01:13:27,886 --> 01:13:30,806
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What did you do?

1343
01:13:31,139 --> 01:13:33,058
Then why wouldn't
you say something, huh?

1344
01:13:33,308 --> 01:13:35,277
Why would you
protect her?

1345
01:13:35,527 --> 01:13:38,730
- I was protecting you.
- Protecting me?

1346
01:13:38,897 --> 01:13:41,984
- Your marriage.
- If you wanted to protect me, you could've stopped her.

1347
01:13:42,401 --> 01:13:45,287
Do you think I knew that she was
gonna shoot you in the scrotum?

1348
01:13:45,454 --> 01:13:48,657
All right, I could've taken the gun
away, but I didn't.

1349
01:13:49,157 --> 01:13:50,993
Can somebody get me out of
this fucking thing, man?

1350
01:13:51,293 --> 01:13:52,878
I got it. I got it.

1351
01:13:54,796 --> 01:13:58,665
Do you want to know why I didn't?

1352
01:13:58,667 --> 01:14:01,386
Maybe it's because
you were being

1353
01:14:01,803 --> 01:14:04,673
- a drunk, obnoxious asshole.
- This fucking guy.

1354
01:14:04,840 --> 01:14:07,392
Or maybe I did it because you
put your balls on our foreheads

1355
01:14:07,809 --> 01:14:09,261
for years
and just laughed it up.

1356
01:14:09,845 --> 01:14:12,347
Or maybe I liked

1357
01:14:12,898 --> 01:14:14,266
that you thought it was me
all these years.

1358
01:14:14,650 --> 01:14:17,069
Because whether or not
I pulled the trigger,

1359
01:14:17,319 --> 01:14:20,103
- you got what you deserved, bud.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

1360
01:14:20,105 --> 01:14:23,273
He doesn't mean that. Bender,
you don't mean that. Nobody deserves...

1361
01:14:23,275 --> 01:14:25,525
Guys, I got to
come clean. In '95,

1362
01:14:25,527 --> 01:14:29,331
when I won the cup,
I was juicing.

1363
01:14:29,531 --> 01:14:32,668
I got to get it off my chest. I don't want
you to scratch my name off the cup though.

1364
01:14:33,085 --> 01:14:36,588
Nobody's gonna scratch anything
off anything. Shell Bell,

1365
01:14:37,005 --> 01:14:40,342
I think it's pretty clear
that Bender feels terribly.

1366
01:14:40,542 --> 01:14:42,627
I mean, he gifted you
his own personal spank bank.

1367
01:14:43,128 --> 01:14:44,546
That's a gesture.

1368
01:14:44,846 --> 01:14:46,880
- Am I right? That was a real gesture.
- Yeah.

1369
01:14:46,882 --> 01:14:48,717
- You're right.
- Yeah, which I want back.

1370
01:14:48,934 --> 01:14:50,519
You're unfit
to raise my children.

1371
01:14:50,886 --> 01:14:52,971
- That's not gonna happen?
- What do you mean?

1372
01:14:53,271 --> 01:14:55,273
Can't do it.
I already re-gifted it.

1373
01:14:55,607 --> 01:14:56,808
- To who?
- What?

1374
01:14:57,142 --> 01:14:58,725
You like those pina coladas?

1375
01:14:58,727 --> 01:15:00,228
Mmm. Little bit
of Bender in there?

1376
01:15:01,229 --> 01:15:02,729
Oh, no.

1377
01:15:02,731 --> 01:15:05,033
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

1378
01:15:05,233 --> 01:15:07,235
You're joking? That's a joke?

1379
01:15:07,569 --> 01:15:09,154
Oh, my...
Oh, my God.

1380
01:15:09,538 --> 01:15:12,574
- No.
- I knew I tasted jizz!

1381
01:15:12,991 --> 01:15:15,408
Bob, get him back
in the loony bin right now.

1382
01:15:15,410 --> 01:15:17,662
Call his mom
and have her pick him up.

1383
01:15:17,913 --> 01:15:20,165
- That is grounds for disqualification.
- I'm calling the cops.

1384
01:15:20,332 --> 01:15:24,219
What are you going to tell the cops?
"Hey, Officer, I drank my own jizz"?

1385
01:15:24,419 --> 01:15:25,504
Hold up. Hold up.

1386
01:15:27,255 --> 01:15:29,558
Why are we surprised
by this?

1387
01:15:30,058 --> 01:15:32,561
This is the kind of stupid shit that
happens every time we get together.

1388
01:15:33,061 --> 01:15:36,064
I mean, I never thought I was
gonna forgive you guys for this.

1389
01:15:37,733 --> 01:15:39,768
- I was so pissed at you guys.
- Still a great piece.

1390
01:15:40,152 --> 01:15:42,104
You remember that one?
That was you guys.

1391
01:15:42,320 --> 01:15:45,071
Sons of bitches!
And this? Fucking...

1392
01:15:45,073 --> 01:15:47,743
- Zac Efron.
- That was your idea.

1393
01:15:47,993 --> 01:15:48,910
You did that
on your own, bro.

1394
01:15:49,244 --> 01:15:50,112
Your choice.

1395
01:15:50,328 --> 01:15:51,279
You wanted that.

1396
01:15:51,580 --> 01:15:53,913
- You all gave me the...
- No. No.

1397
01:15:53,915 --> 01:15:55,917
Look, the point is
that every time we get together,

1398
01:15:56,418 --> 01:15:57,917
we do something that
we regret in the moment,

1399
01:15:57,919 --> 01:16:00,420
but then we laugh about it
later, right?

1400
01:16:00,422 --> 01:16:03,708
That's why we keep coming back.
These are the games we play.

1401
01:16:03,959 --> 01:16:06,960
These are the memories that we live for.
And, yeah, we drank a little jizz...

1402
01:16:06,962 --> 01:16:08,380
We drank a lot of jizz.

1403
01:16:08,797 --> 01:16:10,132
We drank a lot of jizz.

1404
01:16:10,432 --> 01:16:11,714
I had a second pina colada.

1405
01:16:11,716 --> 01:16:14,801
And Shelly totaled
Bender's van, but you know what?

1406
01:16:14,803 --> 01:16:16,721
This too shall pass.
We will live on,

1407
01:16:17,055 --> 01:16:19,107
and this brotherhood
will never die.

1408
01:16:20,942 --> 01:16:24,110
And I fucking love it!
I love all of it.

1409
01:16:24,112 --> 01:16:25,897
And I've missed every one
of you assholes.

1410
01:16:26,314 --> 01:16:28,400
And I wouldn't trade this shit
for anything, so...

1411
01:16:28,900 --> 01:16:30,735
I suggest that each one of you
look in the mirror

1412
01:16:31,036 --> 01:16:32,904
and think about what this
brotherhood means to you.

1413
01:16:33,121 --> 01:16:34,623
Especially you, Durfy.

1414
01:16:35,207 --> 01:16:37,159
Your ear,
it's, like, hanging...

1415
01:16:37,659 --> 01:16:39,544
Is it injured?
'Cause it doesn't feel good.

1416
01:16:39,878 --> 01:16:42,547
- You might want peroxide...
- You think that's gonna read on camera?

1417
01:16:42,881 --> 01:16:45,250
- Not if the camera's pointed at someone else.
- Thanks for inviting me.

1418
01:16:45,500 --> 01:16:47,584
- You're a good person.
- Yeah, yeah, you too.

1419
01:16:47,586 --> 01:16:50,555
Thanks for letting me play, and thanks
for the pina coladas and my ear.

1420
01:16:50,755 --> 01:16:51,673
It's just
been really great.

1421
01:16:51,973 --> 01:16:53,341
All right.

1422
01:16:53,508 --> 01:16:55,594
The rest of you
get a little sleep,

1423
01:16:56,094 --> 01:16:57,512
because come sundown,
it's game on.

1424
01:17:00,565 --> 01:17:03,149
- Not so much you two.
- Nope, we are sleeping in.

1425
01:17:03,151 --> 01:17:05,652
Didn't make the cut.

1426
01:17:05,654 --> 01:17:07,654
Shelly,
you went too far.

1427
01:17:07,656 --> 01:17:10,108
- Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah, Shelly.

1428
01:17:10,492 --> 01:17:12,077
Well played.

1429
01:17:34,266 --> 01:17:35,600
So here we are, boys.

1430
01:17:37,469 --> 01:17:38,937
The endgame.
It's simple.

1431
01:17:39,304 --> 01:17:40,887
First one to lay their hands

1432
01:17:40,889 --> 01:17:43,389
on that buddy bucket
at the end of this field

1433
01:17:43,391 --> 01:17:45,193
wins all the cash.

1434
01:17:45,393 --> 01:17:46,893
What's with the suit?

1435
01:17:46,895 --> 01:17:48,862
Oh, this old thing?

1436
01:17:48,864 --> 01:17:53,118
It's a one-inch-thick
superpolyamide body armor suit.

1437
01:17:53,318 --> 01:17:54,901
Why? What the fuck
are we doing now?

1438
01:17:54,903 --> 01:17:57,122
Well, this little baby
can absorb a bullet

1439
01:17:57,539 --> 01:17:59,124
- from ten feet away.
- What?

1440
01:17:59,541 --> 01:18:01,074
All we're gonna be using
are simple bows and arrows.

1441
01:18:01,076 --> 01:18:02,544
Give it a try.

1442
01:18:04,379 --> 01:18:06,379
- You want me to shoot you with an arrow?
- Yeah.

1443
01:18:06,381 --> 01:18:07,883
Okay.

1444
01:18:08,383 --> 01:18:09,885
There you go.

1445
01:18:12,837 --> 01:18:13,922
I like this already.

1446
01:18:18,677 --> 01:18:20,095
Oh, no!

1447
01:18:20,896 --> 01:18:22,647
Bob!
What the fuck?

1448
01:18:22,847 --> 01:18:23,732
Holy shit!

1449
01:18:23,932 --> 01:18:24,849
Oh, my God.

1450
01:18:25,066 --> 01:18:26,935
Bob! Oh, my...

1451
01:18:27,185 --> 01:18:28,851
Oh! Help!

1452
01:18:33,775 --> 01:18:35,777
You should see the looks
on your faces!

1453
01:18:36,194 --> 01:18:39,281
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh, my... Dude, what the fuck, man?

1454
01:18:39,698 --> 01:18:41,783
That's the game.
That's the game.

1455
01:18:42,167 --> 01:18:45,251
You got six arrows right over here.
Use them wisely,

1456
01:18:45,253 --> 01:18:47,589
because if you get stuck
with an arrow, you're out.

1457
01:18:48,089 --> 01:18:49,958
Ten minutes, shotgun start,
so suit up, boys.

1458
01:18:50,292 --> 01:18:51,376
Whoo!

1459
01:18:52,377 --> 01:18:54,377
Ow. Bob, you're...

1460
01:18:54,379 --> 01:18:56,881
Bob's not well mentally,
I don't...

1461
01:19:03,805 --> 01:19:05,388
I don't know
who to root for.

1462
01:19:05,390 --> 01:19:07,225
- I hate them all.
- Yeah, it's tough.

1463
01:19:07,442 --> 01:19:09,525
- I'm going Bender.
- You're gonna go Bender?

1464
01:19:09,527 --> 01:19:12,314
- Bender.
- He lost his mom. He lives in a van.

1465
01:19:12,480 --> 01:19:15,066
He's had hemorrhoids
since we were, what, six?

1466
01:19:15,567 --> 01:19:18,486
How many fucking six-year-olds do
you know that have hemorrhoids?

1467
01:19:20,622 --> 01:19:23,992
Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

1468
01:19:26,962 --> 01:19:28,546
You know what's
fucking crazy?

1469
01:19:29,047 --> 01:19:30,546
Like, seriously?

1470
01:19:30,548 --> 01:19:32,968
How slimming
black really is.

1471
01:19:33,301 --> 01:19:34,884
One little announcement.

1472
01:19:34,886 --> 01:19:37,172
That field is live.
Real arrows will be flying.

1473
01:19:37,339 --> 01:19:39,341
So, please, if you could
stay behind these flags

1474
01:19:39,674 --> 01:19:41,643
until you can see that
champion bucket is raised.

1475
01:19:41,926 --> 01:19:44,344
- Smell weird to you?
- Oh, fuck, man!

1476
01:19:44,346 --> 01:19:47,399
Oh, let me get a shot really quick.
You got any schnapps?

1477
01:19:47,599 --> 01:19:50,683
Why do you have a nut cup?
Aren't those supposed to protect testicles?

1478
01:19:50,685 --> 01:19:54,072
Aren't minivans meant for mothers?
Oh, that's right. You don't have a minivan.

1479
01:19:54,356 --> 01:19:56,741
Yeah, thanks. I don't have a mother either.
You're about to lose.

1480
01:19:57,242 --> 01:19:58,691
You're about to burp up
your own cum bubbles.

1481
01:19:58,693 --> 01:20:00,161
You're gonna
fucking lose, man.

1482
01:20:00,612 --> 01:20:02,580
This is your day...

1483
01:20:07,452 --> 01:20:09,037
Bye, suckers!

1484
01:20:21,633 --> 01:20:24,719
Let's go, babe! Come on.
You got this. Let's go!

1485
01:20:41,986 --> 01:20:43,905
Okay, babe, you got this!

1486
01:20:44,372 --> 01:20:45,373
Let's go, baby!

1487
01:20:48,209 --> 01:20:50,995
Ah!

1488
01:20:53,248 --> 01:20:54,666
Oh, my God.

1489
01:20:54,966 --> 01:20:56,549
Suck on that,
Richie Rich!

1490
01:20:56,551 --> 01:20:59,421
Bob!

1491
01:21:01,723 --> 01:21:02,757
Bob! Bob!
No, wait...

1492
01:21:04,225 --> 01:21:05,927
Shit just got real.

1493
01:21:17,322 --> 01:21:19,739
Okay. Shelly's
sucking wind right now.

1494
01:21:19,741 --> 01:21:21,743
He's not gonna be able
to shoot for shit.

1495
01:21:22,243 --> 01:21:24,243
It's now or never.

1496
01:21:24,245 --> 01:21:25,613
Let's go, Bender.

1497
01:21:26,998 --> 01:21:29,501
We already know how
this will end, Bender!

1498
01:21:30,001 --> 01:21:32,504
I own you! I always have!

1499
01:21:34,372 --> 01:21:36,873
You always said,
"There's next year," Shelly.

1500
01:21:36,875 --> 01:21:40,259
Well, guess what?
It is next year!

1501
01:21:40,261 --> 01:21:45,465
I guess it boils down to
who's got the bigger balls.

1502
01:21:45,467 --> 01:21:47,852
Well, that'd definitely
be you, pal.

1503
01:21:48,219 --> 01:21:50,605
No, no, no.
Ladies first.

1504
01:21:52,941 --> 01:21:55,226
Aaah! Fuck you!

1505
01:22:03,568 --> 01:22:05,651
Ooh, look at that fat back.

1506
01:22:05,653 --> 01:22:08,039
Here we go, baby.

1507
01:22:10,658 --> 01:22:13,628
- Damn it!
- Crap!

1508
01:22:13,995 --> 01:22:16,581
Yeah, let's dance, baby.

1509
01:22:18,917 --> 01:22:19,968
It's over. It's over.

1510
01:22:20,335 --> 01:22:22,837
Fuck you, Bender.
Fuck you.

1511
01:22:25,306 --> 01:22:27,225
Sorry about all that stuff
I said about you earlier, buddy.

1512
01:22:29,177 --> 01:22:30,011
No, you're not, Sheldon.

1513
01:22:33,181 --> 01:22:34,599
Just end it.

1514
01:22:36,568 --> 01:22:39,020
Don't shoot me in the balls either.
That'd be super predictable and lame.

1515
01:22:39,320 --> 01:22:42,357
Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.

1516
01:22:46,361 --> 01:22:49,030
- You fucking caught that?
- You were gonna shoot me in the face?

1517
01:22:58,289 --> 01:23:00,708
Get off me!
Get off me!

1518
01:23:00,959 --> 01:23:03,261
You son of a bitch!

1519
01:23:09,601 --> 01:23:12,937
Not this year!

1520
01:23:18,026 --> 01:23:20,895
No! No!

1521
01:23:21,229 --> 01:23:23,779
Never fuck with
a man's minivan.

1522
01:23:33,575 --> 01:23:35,159
I got it. I got it.

1523
01:23:47,555 --> 01:23:50,141
Yeah!

1524
01:23:54,846 --> 01:23:57,899
Yeah!
I fucking did it!

1525
01:23:58,266 --> 01:24:00,852
- You okay, buddy?
- No shame. You did good.

1526
01:24:01,352 --> 01:24:02,854
- You did really good.
- How many fingers is this?

1527
01:24:03,354 --> 01:24:05,690
Just not as good as that
motherfucker right there!

1528
01:24:06,190 --> 01:24:07,940
You just kicked him
in the head, Doc!

1529
01:24:07,942 --> 01:24:10,026
Bobby, are you okay?

1530
01:24:10,028 --> 01:24:12,747
- Oh, my goodness, look at that.
- Bob!

1531
01:24:12,947 --> 01:24:14,363
Oh, my God!

1532
01:24:14,365 --> 01:24:16,251
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, you came.

1533
01:24:16,751 --> 01:24:19,003
- We've got to get you to the hospital.
- No, no, I'm fine.

1534
01:24:19,203 --> 01:24:21,787
I really am. I'm fine.
Well, not great.

1535
01:24:21,789 --> 01:24:23,791
Oh, my God!

1536
01:24:24,292 --> 01:24:27,176
Oh, I know what you're gonna say,
that this whole thing was a mistake.

1537
01:24:27,178 --> 01:24:28,680
No, I wasn't gonna
say that at all.

1538
01:24:30,181 --> 01:24:31,549
Bobby, you needed this.

1539
01:24:31,849 --> 01:24:32,884
- Really?
- Yeah.

1540
01:24:33,268 --> 01:24:34,850
Now that it's out
of your system,

1541
01:24:34,852 --> 01:24:36,638
- we can just go back to our life, you know?
- Yeah.

1542
01:24:36,888 --> 01:24:38,389
God, I love you.

1543
01:24:39,390 --> 01:24:41,776
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.

1544
01:24:42,060 --> 01:24:45,113
I was doing a lot of thinking
on my trip, and, um...

1545
01:24:46,447 --> 01:24:48,866
I think it's time, Bob.

1546
01:24:49,117 --> 01:24:50,201
Yeah.

1547
01:24:51,653 --> 01:24:54,122
- All right, come on. Let's do this.
- I... I can't.

1548
01:24:54,405 --> 01:24:56,407
Oh, God, because your...
your hand.

1549
01:24:56,741 --> 01:24:58,242
- Let me help you.
- Whoa!

1550
01:24:58,543 --> 01:25:00,626
Whoa! Yeah!

1551
01:25:00,628 --> 01:25:03,548
It is huge!
How much was it?

1552
01:25:03,915 --> 01:25:05,833
I don't know.

1553
01:25:06,050 --> 01:25:07,552
I don't know!

1554
01:25:10,421 --> 01:25:11,889
Okay, everybody's
watching, Bob.

1555
01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:14,726
Look, baby, I know
that you're scared.

1556
01:25:15,009 --> 01:25:17,428
That's okay, and I get it,
but you don't need to be.

1557
01:25:17,679 --> 01:25:19,514
These last few weeks,
yeah, they have been weird,

1558
01:25:19,731 --> 01:25:21,316
but we can just go back
to the way things used to be.

1559
01:25:21,733 --> 01:25:22,817
Just you and me...

1560
01:25:23,685 --> 01:25:25,153
forever.

1561
01:25:27,071 --> 01:25:28,523
- I love you.
- Oh, my God. I love you too.

1562
01:25:29,023 --> 01:25:31,326
- I love you so much.
- I love you so much.

1563
01:25:34,078 --> 01:25:35,913
I'm not this guy.

1564
01:25:37,749 --> 01:25:39,751
I'm not the guy you deserve.

1565
01:25:40,251 --> 01:25:41,753
I'm this fucking guy.

1566
01:25:42,704 --> 01:25:44,172
What?

1567
01:25:44,455 --> 01:25:47,540
My mom wants me to be Bob,
the soon-to-be father, but...

1568
01:25:47,542 --> 01:25:49,959
I'm just the Bobfather,
you know?

1569
01:25:49,961 --> 01:25:52,930
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Look, I know this sounds crazy.

1570
01:25:53,348 --> 01:25:55,850
I've never felt more purpose
than I have these last few weeks.

1571
01:25:57,301 --> 01:26:00,302
These guys need me,
and I need them,

1572
01:26:00,304 --> 01:26:02,774
and this is gonna keep happening
every year for the rest of my life.

1573
01:26:03,141 --> 01:26:06,027
And you're just gonna end up
hating them and resenting me.

1574
01:26:06,227 --> 01:26:07,810
And who knows? Maybe you'll
end up shooting me in the balls

1575
01:26:07,812 --> 01:26:09,364
and taking all my money
like Shel...

1576
01:26:10,732 --> 01:26:12,450
- Oh!
- Bobby!

1577
01:26:15,737 --> 01:26:17,405
You know, I really
respect your choice...

1578
01:26:17,572 --> 01:26:19,038
and your honesty.

1579
01:26:19,040 --> 01:26:20,823
I just wish you would've
told me five fucking years ago

1580
01:26:20,825 --> 01:26:22,375
that you would've chosen
your friend's balls

1581
01:26:22,377 --> 01:26:23,828
and their farts
over me.

1582
01:26:26,297 --> 01:26:28,249
- Where's the gravity? I...
- Oh, my God.

1583
01:26:28,666 --> 01:26:31,419
Okay, okay, okay, that's enough.
You got it out of your system.

1584
01:26:31,669 --> 01:26:33,221
Farewell, Bobfather.

1585
01:26:33,588 --> 01:26:37,341
Now, nobody does that to my buddy Bob.

1586
01:26:37,558 --> 01:26:39,143
- Ooh!
- Doc!

1587
01:26:39,394 --> 01:26:40,928
You are done, Tiff!

1588
01:26:43,731 --> 01:26:45,815
Mama, start the car.
Start the car, Mama!

1589
01:26:45,817 --> 01:26:46,734
Later, Tiff.

1590
01:27:00,498 --> 01:27:02,417
Well,
things didn't go exactly as planned,

1591
01:27:03,000 --> 01:27:05,837
but then again,
the games never do.

1592
01:27:06,087 --> 01:27:09,171
Look, you don't stop playing
because you get older,

1593
01:27:09,173 --> 01:27:11,676
you get older
when you stop playing.

1594
01:27:12,093 --> 01:27:14,677
Now the boys are back,

1595
01:27:14,679 --> 01:27:16,679
and somehow everything
seems right again.

1596
01:27:16,681 --> 01:27:20,384
In fact, things might even
be a little better.

1597
01:27:43,908 --> 01:27:46,410
Shelly may not have
reclaimed his throne,

1598
01:27:46,911 --> 01:27:48,913
but he's back.

1599
01:27:49,413 --> 01:27:51,132
Exactly where he belongs.

1600
01:27:53,167 --> 01:27:54,752
Still the king.

1601
01:27:58,756 --> 01:28:01,759
Turns out Durfy may not be
such a shitty actor after all.

1602
01:28:02,760 --> 01:28:04,762
He just needed a little nudge.

1603
01:28:07,231 --> 01:28:11,269
"You have officially been offered
the role of Frankie in..."

1604
01:28:13,354 --> 01:28:14,939
Oh, my God!

1605
01:28:16,440 --> 01:28:17,942
Yes!

1606
01:28:18,943 --> 01:28:21,362
And then there's Bender.

1607
01:28:21,662 --> 01:28:23,247
- Look at him.
- Call Sheldon again.

1608
01:28:23,748 --> 01:28:26,167
- That's the face of a champion.
- Calling Sheldon.

1609
01:28:32,423 --> 01:28:34,008
Nope.

1610
01:28:34,959 --> 01:28:37,044
- Call declined.
- Come on, man!

1611
01:28:38,546 --> 01:28:41,048
- Call Sheldon again. Call him again!
- Please watch your tone.

1612
01:28:41,549 --> 01:28:43,050
As for Doc, well,

1613
01:28:43,551 --> 01:28:45,436
he was finally able to
provide some relief.

1614
01:28:47,939 --> 01:28:50,024
It's time I got something
off my chest.

1615
01:28:50,441 --> 01:28:52,360
So here goes.

1616
01:28:52,560 --> 01:28:54,562
- I'm, uh...
- I know.

1617
01:28:54,862 --> 01:28:56,731
- What do you mean, you know?
- I know.

1618
01:28:56,981 --> 01:28:59,532
- How long have you known?
- Remember back in '96,

1619
01:28:59,534 --> 01:29:02,787
when you bought that Cavalier
King Charles spaniel,

1620
01:29:02,987 --> 01:29:05,571
and you named it after Brad Pitt's
character in Legends of the Fall?

1621
01:29:05,573 --> 01:29:07,959
- Oh, Tristan.
- Way before that.

1622
01:29:08,209 --> 01:29:09,243
All right, one more.

1623
01:29:09,627 --> 01:29:10,161
I'm gay!

1624
01:29:10,711 --> 01:29:11,710
All right, you're all done.

1625
01:29:11,712 --> 01:29:14,213
Oh, that felt amazing!

1626
01:29:14,215 --> 01:29:17,216
So if I'm not happy with the
results, I get a full refund, right?

1627
01:29:17,218 --> 01:29:18,669
'Cause I burn through
workout equipment

1628
01:29:19,136 --> 01:29:21,222
like Gene Simmons does
through pussy.

1629
01:29:21,722 --> 01:29:23,057
From Kiss.

1630
01:29:23,341 --> 01:29:26,926
I mean, fitness is
my middle name.

1631
01:29:26,928 --> 01:29:28,429
And I'm just afraid...
You know, like,

1632
01:29:28,930 --> 01:29:31,597
I've broken things before,
'cause I'm so strong, and I'm...

1633
01:29:31,599 --> 01:29:34,817
- Shelly, just hear me out.
- What are you doing here, dude?

1634
01:29:34,819 --> 01:29:37,154
I'm in trouble,
and it's bad.

1635
01:29:37,438 --> 01:29:39,405
- I need a place to hide out.
- No, man!

1636
01:29:39,407 --> 01:29:42,026
Oh, my God,
I'm in deep shit, man!

1637
01:29:42,243 --> 01:29:45,077
Get the fuck out of my house, dude.
What are you doing here?

1638
01:29:45,079 --> 01:29:49,000
- Bender!
- No! No! Aaah!

1639
01:29:52,703 --> 01:29:54,288
You're mine, bitch.

1640
01:29:58,759 --> 01:30:01,794
You shot my best friend,
you son of a bitch! You're fucking dead!

1641
01:30:01,796 --> 01:30:03,796
You hear me?
You're fucking dead!

1642
01:30:03,798 --> 01:30:06,298
Yeah, that's right,
you fucking pussy.

1643
01:30:06,300 --> 01:30:07,635
"Best friend"?

1644
01:30:08,936 --> 01:30:10,855
I'm truly touched
by that, man.

1645
01:30:11,222 --> 01:30:14,609
What the...
You're alive?

1646
01:30:14,809 --> 01:30:17,226
Ha, ha, ha!
I'm alive!

1647
01:30:17,228 --> 01:30:21,030
- It was a joke. I was trying to get you out of the house.
- What?

1648
01:30:21,032 --> 01:30:24,201
Yeah, you weren't returning my phone
calls, dude. I just want to talk.

1649
01:30:24,402 --> 01:30:26,368
But, he... he shot you.

1650
01:30:26,370 --> 01:30:29,240
Yeah, that's my buddy Thurston.
He works for the pawn shop.

1651
01:30:29,790 --> 01:30:32,291
I was buying my mom's shit back,
and he got me this movie gun.

1652
01:30:32,293 --> 01:30:34,295
- What movie is it from?
- Ride Along 2.

1653
01:30:34,795 --> 01:30:37,632
- Yeah, 50 bucks. Fucking bang, bang, dude.
- Hundred bucks.

1654
01:30:37,882 --> 01:30:39,967
- You said 50.
- I said a hundred.

1655
01:30:40,468 --> 01:30:43,254
Twenty-five a bullet and 50 for the
gun, that's $100.

1656
01:30:43,504 --> 01:30:46,641
You're a fucking liar!

1657
01:30:46,841 --> 01:30:48,223
- I'm not paying for that.
- Yes, you are.

1658
01:30:48,225 --> 01:30:50,809
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

1659
01:30:50,811 --> 01:30:53,230
What the fuck is going on here?

1660
01:30:54,649 --> 01:30:56,148
Look, man,

1661
01:30:56,150 --> 01:30:57,652
all I cared about

1662
01:30:58,152 --> 01:31:00,571
was you and just
making things right again.

1663
01:31:00,905 --> 01:31:03,489
You lost your fucking mind, Bender?
Get me out of this goddamn chair.

1664
01:31:03,491 --> 01:31:06,859
Dude, with that money,
I could've done anything.

1665
01:31:06,861 --> 01:31:08,861
Got an eight-ball
the size of Nebraska,

1666
01:31:08,863 --> 01:31:12,867
fucked my way through whatever
rogue country this asshole's from,

1667
01:31:13,367 --> 01:31:15,169
but that's not what
was in my heart.

1668
01:31:15,336 --> 01:31:18,422
I felt so bad for you and all
the shit you went through,

1669
01:31:18,923 --> 01:31:21,008
and I just wanted to
get you back on your feet.

1670
01:31:21,542 --> 01:31:22,460
So...

1671
01:31:22,793 --> 01:31:26,180
here's my plan.
Wait for it...

1672
01:31:26,380 --> 01:31:28,382
Boom!

1673
01:31:28,716 --> 01:31:30,801
A scrot-o!

1674
01:31:31,302 --> 01:31:33,521
Fuckin' scrotes!

1675
01:31:33,804 --> 01:31:35,354
I got balls for you!

1676
01:31:35,356 --> 01:31:37,191
Smell it! Smell!

1677
01:31:37,441 --> 01:31:40,444
I got you balls.
Fuck you. I got you balls.

1678
01:31:40,811 --> 01:31:43,531
Fuckin' Sack Nicholson
over here.

1679
01:31:44,031 --> 01:31:47,535
Piercings. One with a tattoo on it.
Look at this guy.

1680
01:31:47,818 --> 01:31:49,320
So many fucking balls, dude.

1681
01:31:49,820 --> 01:31:52,237
And then lo and behold...

1682
01:31:52,239 --> 01:31:55,874
Sheldon, you're back!

1683
01:31:55,876 --> 01:31:58,713
Shel Bell!
You look like Elton John.

1684
01:31:58,996 --> 01:32:01,882
You're fucking back!
Fuck you!

1685
01:32:02,049 --> 01:32:05,134
Look at that shit. Juicy!

1686
01:32:05,136 --> 01:32:08,139
Long live the king!

1687
01:32:20,317 --> 01:32:21,817
Bob's web of lies

1688
01:32:21,819 --> 01:32:24,319
has finally
come home to roost.

1689
01:32:24,321 --> 01:32:25,773
What will happen
to poor Bob?

1690
01:32:29,326 --> 01:32:31,746
I'm free.
And you're fucked.

1691
01:32:36,083 --> 01:32:37,666
It's not gross, all right?
Our buddy just...

1692
01:32:37,668 --> 01:32:39,670
It's a very,
very gross present.

1693
01:32:40,171 --> 01:32:42,171
- It's not gross.
- Why would you get him that?

1694
01:32:42,173 --> 01:32:44,625
It's not gross.

1695
01:32:45,042 --> 01:32:47,126
I was just a little
distracted, um,

1696
01:32:47,128 --> 01:32:50,596
planning my speech
for the Oscars.

1697
01:32:53,134 --> 01:32:56,437
What the fuck is that thing?
Fucking cat?

1698
01:33:00,191 --> 01:33:03,227
You need the Heimlich, dude?
You need the Heimlich?

1699
01:33:10,451 --> 01:33:12,536
This is some
jackassery, man.

1700
01:33:13,037 --> 01:33:14,538
Are you fucking
kidding me?

1701
01:33:15,039 --> 01:33:17,792
A baby? A baby here?

1702
01:33:18,042 --> 01:33:20,461
- Yeah, just take a look at the tailbone there.
- No tailbone.

1703
01:33:20,661 --> 01:33:23,245
- That's where I draw the line.
- Come on.

1704
01:33:23,247 --> 01:33:26,750
All right, bend over.

1705
01:33:27,001 --> 01:33:29,084
- Sweet swimsuit.
- Thank you.

1706
01:33:29,086 --> 01:33:30,971
Can you swim or dive?

1707
01:33:31,305 --> 01:33:32,387
Yeah, both.

1708
01:33:32,389 --> 01:33:33,808
Well, you can dive
on my dick.

1709
01:33:34,141 --> 01:33:35,726
Okay. Okay.

1710
01:33:36,227 --> 01:33:37,561
- Two more. Two more.
- Two more. Two more.

1711
01:33:44,852 --> 01:33:48,272
Filled with jizz!

1712
01:33:52,193 --> 01:33:55,529
Are you just gonna call it?
Okay. Foreground, background...

1713
01:34:03,754 --> 01:34:05,537
My dad likes to buy
his pie at the store.

1714
01:34:05,539 --> 01:34:07,673
Oh, yeah.
Store pie's better.

1715
01:34:07,675 --> 01:34:09,009
Oh, God.

1716
01:34:09,510 --> 01:34:11,009
What's the matter
with your woman?

1717
01:34:11,011 --> 01:34:12,513
Is she always
like this?

1718
01:34:14,014 --> 01:34:16,014
I think she's been
drinking this morning.

1719
01:34:16,016 --> 01:34:17,518
- Really?
- Yeah.

1720
01:34:19,770 --> 01:34:21,856
Motherfucker!

1721
01:34:22,356 --> 01:34:23,691
Fuck!

1722
01:34:26,026 --> 01:34:28,195
- I'm so sorry.
- On frame, right?

1723
01:34:28,395 --> 01:34:31,982
You became a friar.
That's dope, right? That is so rad.

1724
01:34:32,483 --> 01:34:35,402
- Listen to Lance Bass over here.
- Oh, shit!

1725
01:34:40,407 --> 01:34:41,909
Oh!

1726
01:34:47,131 --> 01:34:48,130
What?

1727
01:34:48,132 --> 01:34:50,632
Thanks, Prick Moranis.

1728
01:34:52,887 --> 01:34:55,472
Let's play some
Buddy Games!

1729
01:34:55,973 --> 01:34:57,474
Let's play some
"Bloody" Games!

1730
01:34:57,925 --> 01:34:59,393
No!

1731
01:35:06,901 --> 01:35:08,903
Get it.
Get it. Get it.

1732
01:35:15,492 --> 01:35:17,993
The, uh,
the parking brake wasn't set,

1733
01:35:17,995 --> 01:35:19,914
so it just started
rolling back.

1734
01:36:22,977 --> 01:36:25,560
Let's play some Buddy Games!

1735
01:36:28,283 --> 01:36:33,283
Subtitles by explosiveskull