Eff john henry

this is a long time coming, but today myself and my STUNNING cohost here will be discussion the highly controversial and popular media folklore star: john henry

now for those who are unaware of who this is or have forgotten, here's your recap

john henry was an ex-slave living in america sometime around 1870-1875 (is he's an ex slave he would need to have been a slave at some point, slavery was "outlawed" in 1863 and the civil war ended in 1865. for some reason, this man is yoked out of his mind, i mean gassed up, super maxxed, whatever you want to call him. buddy is BUILT. as a result he's the fastest train track... layer? builder? i have no idea, whatever it is, he's the best.

now this begins my first issue with this man, why is his talent just being good at his job; that seems stupid. especially since it was likely an hourly job, meaning john is working his ass off for $40 a day, same as literally everyone else who isn't working nearly as hard and can actually walk home without faceplanting on the kitchen floor.

but i digress, john is a fucking machine. however, one day some guy shows up at the tracks? train yard? idk man. with a new machine that can also lay track and claims it can do it faster than people, which makes sense because it's what automation does. but john? he saw it as a threat, clearly this one machine would take his job or some nonsense, whatever.

second issue, john is short sighted. why would you assume this machine is going to replace you and wouldn't just work alongside you. hell, its existence means you don't have to work as hard you moron. but no, john decides to challenge this machine man, claiming he can lay track or whatever faster than the machine. now john you were already at the top. you don't see usain bolt challenging middle schoolers, what the FUCK are you doing? why do you see the need to prove yourself to a rando and a literal bot? this is stupid

anyway, of course the guy accepts the challenge, because why wouldn't he? he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. if he loses, he just updates the machine. if he wins, he... wins john's job???? maybe he has nothing to gain either if he wins. john, however, def has nothing to gain and everything to lose. if you win, congrats the guy goes and updates his machine. if you lose, then your pride is gone or whatever.

day of the race, john's whole family is there hyping him up. "YEAH DAD! GO HONEY!" stupid. so they do the race, john comes out the gate fucking SWINGING. brave bird everything, gale wings, choice band, etc. machine is no slouch, going crazy too. they both go through the night, john is smashing through solid rock with a fucking hammer, this shit is wild. after they both hit a mile? i think was the distance, machine breaks down because it was probably overclocked as hell the whole time alongside john's crazy ass. john wins. hell yeah, let's go

now, let's see what happens next. 4 options
A: the inventor guy gets mad and swears vengeance upon john and his family and john throws him into a river
B: the inventory shakes hands with john, says gg, and asks for a rematch after he upgrades the machine
C: the machine explodes, leaving the inventor broke and homeless now that his money maker is no longer salvageable.
D: john puts his hammer down and decides to work with the inventor to improve it and the two take over the train industry, becoming tycoons

make your guesses yet?
ok the answer is john's heart fucking explodes in his chest and he collapses and dies. that's it. no follow up, he just dies.

great story right? about how you should work hard as shit for your employer and you'll die for it. the american dream!
the real moral is to work smarter not harder, but the story is framed so john is the hero and is never portrayed in a negative light, despite the fact that he's an idiot.

debate time

point A: the inventor challenged john! you had it wrong
these details change based on what version you were told; doesn't matter if the roles are flipped because john can just say no, that's a dumb idea
point B: it's just john trying to defend himself from the white man!
counter point: he's dead so now his family has no breadwinner and will likely end up on the streets homeless. there's no payout because this is a competition not a workplace injury; he did this to himself. also, the version i was told, the inventor was actually another black man
point C: i don't like this!
smh