Guard Anon

>"Don't you understand? It's of vital importance I see the princess, the whole of Equestria is in danger!"
"Look, short and purple, you're not getting in, so drop it and fuck off."
>Twilight looks desperately to the fellow guard stationed on the other side of the door to the throne room.
>"Bright Lance, please! We used to read together in the library when we were foals, don't you know who I am?"
"He knows who you are, but the real question is do YOU know who I am?"
>The panicked pony sighs in exasperation.
>"Yes, Anon, I know who you-"
"That's prince Anonymous to you, tubby. Before you ask again, no, you're not getting in to see my mother."
>"But I have to see her, it's-"
"And I need my dick sucked, so unless you either want to either pucker up and take one for the team or get your sister in law then you're not getting passed this door and that's final. Oh and don't even think of teleporting in there because I had the room shielded against that last week."
>The purple pony groans in annoyance and frowns up at you.
>"Why do you have to be such a... a... a butt‽"
>Slowly you lean down and whisper in her ear.
"That's for spilling my Nesquik."
>After the now fuming mare had stomped off in a huff your companion turned to you with a look of concern.
>"Uh, sir, do you think we should tell the princess? I mean if Twilight was telling the truth and Equestria is in danger and all?"
>You offer a shrug.
"Eh... I told her about it this morning."

-----------------

"Halt, what business do you have with the princess?"
>The pretty grey mare obediently stops before you and bows low, her charcoal coloured hair briefly covering her face.
>You can always tell a Canterlot resident from the crowd.
>They always make a show of submission when they realise who they're talking to.
>"I have an appointment, your highness."
>You raise an eyebrow.
>"I have arranged a meting with Princess Celestia to discuss the preparations for this year's gala."
>You recognise this pony, having heard her perform live many times throughout the years.
>She was damn good you had to admit.
"Yeah.... I'm not buying it."
>"P-Pardon? Sir, I assure you that is why I'm here. I'm first chair cellist for the Canterlot Royal Symphony orchestra."
>Some may ask why you felt the need to mess with the visitors to the palace like this, and honestly you wouldn't know what to tell them.
>True guard duty was boring but it was more than just that.
>You suppose the real question is not who will let you, but rather who will stop you.
"Move along ma'am."
>"B-But the princess is expecting me."
"That's it ma'am, you're clearly a wondering vagrant up to no good."
>"No! I swear-"
"Against the wall if you please ma'am, I'm going to have to frisk you."

-----------------

"Uh, excuse me, you can't go in there."
>"WHAT ARE YOU BLATHERING ON ABOUT, NEPHEW? WE WISH TO SEE OUR SISTER!"
>Oh god, you think you just felt your eardrum perforate.
"Stop with the yelling, what's wrong with you?"
>Your aunty offers an apologetic smile.
>"We are sorry, Anonymous, but why do you deny us entry?
>Okay, this is the big one.
>Make it believable.
"Well you see... there was a flood."
>You aunty raises a suspicious eyebrow, clearly not believing you.
"The waterfall things mother just had to insist on having installed beside the throne backed up and the entire room was flooded."
>"Flooded?"
"Yes."
>"The entire room?"
"Yup."
>Luna tutted.
>"We told Tia those things were a bad idea, but did she listen? No of course she didn't."
>You chuckle, not fully believing you had just got away with lying so blatantly.
"Well you know mother. Once she gets an idea in her head there's no dissuading her."

---------------

>"Anon, sweetie, are you sure there haven't been any visitors? I've been sitting on the throne all day by myself and I'm sure I had appointments scheduled for today."
>You look at your mother with a fake expression of concern.
"Really, how odd. There hasn't been anybody that's come to the door. Are you sure you have the correct date?"
>"Yes I'm almost certain. I just don't know what could have happened."
>You turn to your partner on the other side of the door and grin almost sadistically.
"Have you seen anybody Bright Lance? I did take that short coffee break an hour ago."
>You can see the indecision in your friends eyes, knowing his internal conflict between his loyalty to his princess and his loyalty to you."
>"I uh... I didn't see anypony, princess."
>You turn back to your mother and shrug.
"Weird."
>"I hope everything's okay."
"I'll ask around, maybe the crowds are especially heavy down in the city today and everybody's just running late."
>Your mother smiles at you and gives you a big smooch on the forehead before disappearing back into the throne room and closing the ornate golden doors behind herself."
>"You not going to ask around are you, sir?"
"Pssh, of course not."

----------------------

>"I really don't see how this will prove I'm not an assassin."
>You look up from your newspaper at the pony practically glaring at you.
"Yeah well that why you're not a guard, isn't that right Bright lance."
>You companion sighs.
>"That's correct, sir."
"Okay, here's the last one. Seven across, adjective meaning very old."
>The pony before you thinks for a moment before answering.
>"Archaic."
>You nod to yourself and scribble the word down onto to crossword before glancing to the clock across the hall from you
>"Hey, forty five minutes, that's a new record!"
>"I'm simply thrilled for you, your highness, now if I may please with your permission be allowed to see the princess I would be most grateful."
>You shake your head and suck a little air through your teeth.
"I'm sorry sir, visiting hours ended ten minutes ago."
>"What‽ You mean to tell me you just made me miss my appointment that I had to wait six months to get‽"
"I don't much care for your tone, sir."
>The enraged pony takes a long calming breath before fixing you with a cold glare.
>"You just made a powerf-"
"Move along, sir, before I have my partner frisk you."
>Bright Lance turns to you with a look of betrayal.
>"What, why me?"
"I search mares and effeminate looking stallions and you get everybody else, that's the deal remember?"

--------------------------

"Fancy Pants, what a surprise! It's good to see you."
>The influential stallion greets you with a smile.
>"And you, dear boy. I say, has your mother got you guarding the front door again? That's no job for a strapping lad such as yourself."
>You actually give a genuine laugh at that.
"Well it's not so bad really. Oh and I see you brought your beautiful fiancée, miss Fleur with you."
>Getting down on one knee you accept the hoof the renowned model offers you and place a small kiss upon it.
>Oddly you feel the urge to tip a piece of headwear you're not actually wearing.
>As Fancy exchanges a few words with your companion you catch the knowing look the mare offers you and respond with a surreptitious wink.
>"I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience and I'm afraid I don't have an appointment, but would it be at all possible to see your mother, my boy?"
>You gesture to the gilded golden doors behind you and smile.
"Sure, no problem, but I'm afraid since it's short notice I can only allow you to go in alone. Security protocol and all that, I'm so sorry."
>"Oh not at all, dear boy, I understand completely and I'm sure Fleur here won't mind waiting out here with you chaps. I shouldn't be more than half an hour."
>After opening the doors for Fancy and allowing him in you turn to the mare left waiting in the hall and smile.
"So, beautiful, Fancy let you out the house I see."
>Fleur titters, her sultry gaze never leaving you
>"Oh you know how he is, Anonymous. I'm his precious flower and heavens forbid I so much as dirty my hoof in the real world."
"Well if cleanliness is your concern there's a cleaning supply closet at the end of the hall. I'm sure if I accompanied you there nothing dirty could possibly happen."
>"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, though there's only one way to find out."
>As the mare gives you a teasing flick with her tail you turn to you companion once again.
"Bright, take over, I'm going to... escort our lovely guest here somewhere more private."

>Wearing the sedate smile known only to the freshly laid, you take a sip of your Colta Cola as you lean against the marble column behind you.
>"You really are an amoral, degenerate without even a shred of common decency in your entire body, aren't you sir?"
"Careful Bright, that's sounding an awful lot like treason to me."
>Your companion is about to reply with what you're sure would be a witty and intuitive comment when he's cut off by a familiar mare clearing her throat.
>Lazily turning your head to see Twilight standing defiantly a few meters away with her five friends.
>You let out a long sigh before acknowledging them.
"...Yes?"
>Twilight steps forwards and prepares to deliver what was most likely a very well rehearsed speech.
>"Ahem... Prince Anonymous, in the name of the Elements of Harmony, we demand you let us in to see the princess at once-
>Holding up a finger you silence the purple mare as you drain the last of your drink then let out a loud belch.
>You ignore the muttered remark calling you a ruffian and look down at the assembled group before you.
"So you want to see the princess?"
>"Yes, Anon, for the final time."
"Okay then."
>You toss the empty can in you hand onto the floor a few feet down the hallway.
>"I don't... I don't get it."
"Citizen, pick up that can."
>Twilight frowns deeply at you and lets out an annoyed snort.
>"Really? You're actually doing this‽"
>You remain silent.
>After a tense few moments in which she stares in disbelief at you, Twilight groans in defeat and picks up the can with her magic.
>"Okay Anon, I did your stupid test, no can we PLEASE see the princess."
"Hmmm... No."
>"What‽"
>You point to the can now suspended in the mare's telekinetic field.
"You really think I'm letting you in to see my mother with an offensive weapon in your possession? What kind of guard do you think I am?"

>"Uh, Twilight, darling, if I may?"
>A white unicorn with an admittedly glorious mane steps forwards and bats her eyes at you.
>"Your highness, I know you and Twilight aren't on the best of terms, but surely a gentlecolt such as yourself could see his way clear to letting us in as a personal favour to a lady? I would be ever so grateful."
>You get down on one knee so as to be on the same level as the mare addressing you.
"Well... for a lady of class perhaps."
>The white mare bats a hoof at you bashfully and offers a appreciative smile at the perceived compliment.
>"I'm so glad we could come to an understanding."
>Standing back up you assume your standard position at the side of the great door, eyes front, chest out, hands on your halberd.
>After a few moments the purple maned mare glances back at her friends in confusion, seemingly puzzled by you not having opened the doors.
>"So, if you would be ever so kind as to allow us entry?"
>You offer a salute.
"Ma'am, I'm afraid I cannot do that ma'am!"
>Very professional if you do say so yourself.
>"But, darling, I thought you said you'd be willing to do this favour for a lady."
"Ma'am, I said 'for a lady of class' I may be willing to do so, but the only lady here smells of cheap wine and regret, ma'am!"
>"WHA-"
>You interrupt the mortified shriek.
"Therefore, I can only assume there are no ladies of class present, ma'am!"
>"How dare y-"
"Move along ma'am."

-------------------------

>Man today just dragged on and on.
>After standing in front of that door for six hours straight with only a fifteen minute break to get something to eat and have a piss your feet are killing you.
>Still, as you make your way to your mother's private chambers you feel a certain sense of satisfaction knowing you'd done your duty to your princess, even if she was you mother.
>Plus you'd got to frisk three mares and performed an extremely thorough 'cavity search' on a renowned model that half the stallions in Equestria would give their right nut to be with.
>At the end of the day you sometimes wonder why you do what you do.
>True, it's fun, especially when you get to mess with the bane of chocolate milk lovers the world over, otherwise known as Twilight 'Special Snowflake' Sparkle.
>Honestly you think you do it because you know just how hard your mother actually works and how exhausted she is at the end of the day.
>Is it really so bad to want to give her a little free time in which she could perhaps have forty winks on her throne?
>As you near the door to the princess' bedroom you nod in greeting to the guards stationed outside.
>They were a good bunch of guy really, though-
>"Forgive me, sir, but you can't go in there."
>Wait... what?
>That was your line!
"Uh... pardon?"
>"The princess has requested no visitors, sir."
"I'm not a visitor, I'm her damned son!"
>"Sorry, sir, orders are orders."
"I'm sure she'd make an exception for me, so if you could-
>"Move along, sir."
>You bet Twakle Spackle is behind this.

>Traipsing back the way you came you can't help but feel offended somehow.
>Just who the hell did that guy think he was telling you you couldn't see your own mother?
>You'd swear he was a new recruit fresh out of training and not familiar with the unspoken rule of the palace that said 'Prince Anon is allowed anywhere he wants to go at any time if you know what's good for you' except you knew for a fact that new recruits weren't trusted to guard the princesses so closely.
>As you stand at the top of the spiral staircase that leads down to your own room, a idea crosses your mind.
>It's dumb, but it'd probably work.
>Fuck it.
>With a cry of defiance you launch yourself head first down the stairs.
>You roll head over heels for a good twenty seconds before finally landing unceremoniously on your ass in the hallway at the bottom.
>Picking yourself up you groan in pain and dust yourself off.
>You're fairly sure you have a black eye and your lip is bleeding.
>Turning back to face the stair you start the long climb back up to your mother's chambers.
>By the time you reach the top once more you're panting like you just ran a marathon.
>It's not that you're out of shape, as, since you're technically a soldier, you're actually incredibly fit and in fact have a physique that makes the mares wet when they watch you working out in the guard barracks.
>Well that's what you tell yourself anyway.
>Hell, you challenge anybody to climb that many stairs while wearing almost fifty pounds of plate armour after having just purposely beaten the shit out of themselves and not feel tired
>Nearing the door to your mother's room once more, the two guards look at you with surprise.

"Assassins... in the courtyard... hurry!"
>Believing your bullshit story the two guards canter off and away, leaving you alone in front of the princess' door.
>After briefly knocking out of common courtesy you let yourself in and spy your sitting atop a pile of cushions in front of her large fireplace.
>Looking up from the book she was reading her expression quickly turns to horror when she sees the state you're in.
>Swiftly you get to her hooves and rushes over to you, wrapping you in her wings and kissing you on the forehead.
>"Anon, my poor baby, what happened‽"
>You hug her back without hesitation.
"Oh... nothing, I uh.. fell."
>Your mother looks at you and frowns.
>"This was clearly no mere fall, sweetie. Now tell mummy what happened this instant."
>You rub the back of your neck and pretend to hesitate.
"Well... when I asked to be allowed in to see you, your guards sort of attacked me."
>You see your mother's eyes light up with anger.
"What? Do they not know who you are? I only asked them to tell ponies I wished not to be disturbed, not to beat them into submission!"
>You place a calming hand on the princess' chest, thoroughly please with how this was turning out.
>This'll teach those guys not to deny you entry again
"Mother, please, it was probably just a misunderstanding."
>"How can you say that, sweetie? Obviously you aren't thinking clearly. Here, come lie down with mummy and I'll heal those nasty cuts and scrapes right up."
"No, it's okay, I'm fine really. In any case they ran away after they were done anyway."
>"Oh my dear, sweet, boy. Always so willing to forgive.
>With a wing still wrapped around your shoulders to guide you and not taking no for an answer, the princess leads you over to the cushions in front of the fire before instructing you to sit.
>As you lie there enveloped in your mother's wings a single thought crosses your mind.
>It's good to be the prince.