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  1. Computation Book
  2. Name
  3. James Holmes
  4. Course: of life
  6. The questions
  7. What is the meaning of life?
  8. What is the meaning of death?
  9. (symbol representing zero, 1, and a ∞ )
  10. To
  11. Goober
  12. Chrissy
  13. Bobbo (?)
  14. Love yuhs
  16. Insights into the mind of madness
  17. What is equal equal to?
  18. *All men are created equal
  19. All men are uncreated equal
  21. \\11 stick figures are drawn, one with no affiliation to the rest, all identified with the value of 1
  22. Equal=1
  23. 1(distinct measurable value)
  24. \\stick figures drawn to express a curious equation of whether one man, unaffiliated with 10 others causing death, turning the 10 dead men into 0’s, leaving the unaffiliated man unidentified of value
  25. =?
  26. 1 or 11 or -9
  27. Regardless, value of murderer =/= to the dead. Equal =/= 1
  29. \\Stick figure man is then equated to 10 ∞
  30. Equal = ∞
  31. ∞ (priceless/unlimited value) good
  32. \\after death, the ∞ are then redefined as zeros
  33. =?
  34. priceless or zero or -∞Murderer value may be = to dead. Equal may = ∞
  35. *By similar reasoning Equal = ∞ (unlimited value) may be possible
  37. Equal = 0
  38. (valueless/ no value)
  39. \\10 zeroes are drawn
  40. No difference from death
  41. \\after death, 10 zeroes drawn again
  42. = 0
  43. Murderer value certainly = to dead
  44. Equal by definition no value
  46. Equal = 0 No value
  47. Equal may = ∞Ultimate good
  48. Equal may = -∞Ultimate evil
  50. Can a person have both no value AND be ultimately good AND/OR ultimately evil in value? * unknown
  52. Why does the value of a person even matter?
  54. *Justice
  55. If people are ultimately good or evil in value, then one may suffer from injustice.
  56. If life has no value: - All is just
  57. - Life and death are not demarcated
  58. - Any and all actions have no impact on anything
  59. Moral imbecils are those who side with 0 of -priceless. The ideals of society are founded on +priceless.
  61. Why do persons commit to 0 or -priceless?
  62. All men are created equal, and all men are uncreated equal but inbetween there is inequality.
  63. My mind: ---------------------|---------------------
  64. -∞ 0 +∞
  67. Life’s fallback solution to all problems – Death.
  68. Multiplying both sides of an equation by 0.
  69. When mankind can’t find truth,
  70. Untruth is converted to truth vial violence (x 0)
  71. Problem = ? 0 x problem = (?) x 0
  72. *based on an incorrect theorem 0 = 0 problem = solved
  73. 0 = 0
  74. ∴ Violence is a false response to truth while giving the illusion of truth.
  75. This is widely understood with murder being unjust. However, mankind hasn’t found a better alternative & there is still mass violence, war, and unfortunately these forms of violence are misleadingly still justified.
  77. I have spent my entire life seeking this alternative so that the questions of how to live and what to live for may be addressed.
  79. Alternatives to death:
  80. 1. Ignore the problem. If the problem or question doesn’t exist then the solution is irrelevant. Didn’t work. Forms of escapism tried included reading, television and alcohol.
  81. 2. Delay the problem. Live in the moment without concern for answering the problem at present. Didn’t work. Pursued knowledge to increase the capacity for answering the questions with improved cognitive function.
  82. 3. Pawn the problem. If one can’t answer the questions themselves, get someone else to answer it. Didn’t work. Everyone else didn’t know the solution either.
  83. 4. Love. Hate.
  85. ~~~ Despite knowing death is false and a suboptimal response, I couldn’t find a working alternative. If all of life is dead then the questions – Why should life exist? What is the purpose of living? Are then 0, irrelevant.
  88. Self Diagnosis of broken mind
  89. • Dysphoric mania
  90. • Generalized anxiety disorder/social anxiety disorder/OCD/PTSD(chronic)
  91. • Asperger syndrome/Autism
  92. • ADHD
  93. • Schizophrenia
  94. • Body dysmorphic disorder
  95. • Borderline, narcissistic, anxious, avoidant and obsessive compulsive personality disorder
  96. • Chronice insomnia
  97. • Psychosis
  98. • Trichotillomania
  99. • Adjustment disorder
  100. • Pain disorder
  101. • Restless leg syndrome
  103. Symptoms attributed to self diagnosis
  104. • Catatonia. Developed recently, often lasts for 3-5 hours in the middle of the day. If present in morning and I knowit isn’t particularly bad, can goad myself to move by thinking “Bambi get up, you must get up”
  105. • Excessive fatigue. Present since beginning undergraduate studies. Can move but typically “need” to lie down for 1 hour.
  106. • Isolationism. Removing myself from social settings. Being around others is tiring with no apparent reason. Perhaps just an extreme form of introversion.
  107. • Avoid social interactions. 99% of the time will not initiate a conversation. If discourse is unavoidable or avoidant action socially unacceptable responses will be short or in question form to have other person be the one talking.
  108. • Brief periods of invincibility, actions are in hyperspeed. Developed in the last 3 months over typically 3 or 4 days a week lasting all day with possible interludes of catatonia.
  109. • Tiredness most of the time for about an hour, onset unknown.
  110. • Quick fleeting movements in peripheral vision. Kind of life a light flicker. Other times dark splotchy movement in peripheral vision like a crow of beetle. Occurrence rate usually 1 to 3 times per day/night. Onset unknown but > 1 year ago. When gaze is shifted to identify movement no source, or potential source for its cause present.
  111. • Proclivity to scan environment with no target or object in mend. Typically occurs alongside apathy in a boring situation when someone is giving a presentation or otherwise rambling about frivolous information. Rate – often. Onset – child.
  112. • Recurring return to mirror to look at appearance. Particular attention focused on hair styling. 10+ times a day. Onset > 1 year ago.
  113. • Concern with teeth. Only chewed with left side of jaw to preserve right side of teeth. Occurred as child not present after getting braces.
  114. • Concern with nose. Often drippy, a leaky faucet requiring continuous wiping. When nose interferes with quality of living, pores are squished (on nose) to the point of skin peeling. Occurs situationally since child.
  115. • Concern with ears. Can not hear very well.
  116. • Concern with eyes. Imperfect biology, had to wear glasses. Occulus sinister is dominant eye.
  117. • Concern with cock. Suffered accidents as child. Allergic reaction to sex – scarring. Excessive stimulation in response to “most beautiful woman in the world” I had read in a book. Other event – a slab of skin tore away, did not heal. Results of accidents not prevalent to absent in appearance when erect.
  118. • Inability to communicate what I want to say although I can understand it. Typically have an image in my mind but can’t say images or draw them, would be nice if there was some form of telepathy to transfer the images.
  119. • Difficulty in concentrating or focusing on anything longer that 15 minutes. Created a learning strategy of studying. 15 mins then watching TV and repeat. Very effective but only in isolation.
  120. • Odd sense of self. View myself is divided. There is a biological me, which is driven by biological needs. E.g. hunger drives me to go eat, thirst…to drink etc. The real me is fighting the biological me. The real me, namely thinking me does things not because I’m programmed to but b/c I choose to. The latest battle I lost was when I finally succumbed to falling love. Evolution, the biological program’s coder is very difficult to fight.
  121. • Can’t fall asleep when I want to fall asleep. Sometimes my legs and arms will twitch involuntarily. ~ 1 per month. Much more common is having to adjust sleeping position ~ 10+ times a night b/c of physical discomfort.
  122. • Random, no apparent cause stabbing back pain. More typical is throbbing achy lower back pain.
  123. • Hair pulling. First was back of head at “bald spot”. -10th grade, when someone mentioned it was gray had, I switched location. ¬¬¬¬¬Sideburns - late high school. Widow’s peak early college. Under chin and jaw late college. Most recently eyebrows and eyelashes.
  124. • The obsession to kill … I was a kid. With age became more ...started the entire world with nuclear bombs. Then shifted to biological agent that destroys the mind. Most recently serial murder via a cellphone stun gun & folding knife in national forests
  127. - And finally, the last escape, mass murder at the movies. 1st obsesstion onset >10 years ago. So anyways, that’s my mind. It is broken. I tried to fix it. I made it my sole conviction but using something that’s broken to fix itself proved insurmountable. Neuroscience seemed like the way to go but it didn’t pan out. In order to rehabilitate the broken mind my soul must be eviscerated. I could not sacrifice my soul to have a “normal” mind. Despite my biological shortcomings I have fought and fought. Always defending against predetermination and the fallibility of man. There is one more battle to fight with life. To face death, embrace the longstanding hatred of mankind and overcome all fear in certain death.
  129. \\Symbol again with 0, 1, and ∞
  131. Crazy Concepts
  132. Futility
  133. The mind is a prison of uncertainty.
  134. Trillions of cells guard it for eternity.
  135. O’where art though master key?
  136. Destroy the mind and be free.
  138. Homo sapiens
  139. Mythical Biblical
  140. Garden of Eden -> consume fruit of knowledge -> Cast out of utopia
  142. Mythical Greek
  143. Prometheus, steals fire from Gods -> Gives knowledge of fire to man -> Eternal torture, eagle eating liver
  145. Mythical German
  146. Faust, trades soul to devil for knowledge -> corrupted
  148. Nothing
  149. \\A significant part of the document did not scan
  150. Eastily recognized but………as soon as nothing…..
  151. Features of something……
  152. Encapsulates…..
  153. Marry people…..
  154. But these….
  156. The Blind
  157. Close your eyes. Leave them closed. Open them. The sightful know when their eyes are open. The insightful know not whether they see with their eyes open or closed.
  159. The Number Line
  161. |--------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------|
  162. Weak Average Strong
  164. The weak are most likely to perish in trying times likewise, the strong most likely to overcome.
  165. Why do the avg & str support the weak?
  166. This is easily answered. In trying times the weak will fall. They act as a buffer.
  167. Furthermore, when the weak die, the avg & str become weaker.
  170. |--------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------|
  171. Famine war
  172. |----------------------------|-------------------------------|
  173. Survival fitness is fixed when compared to MAN vs Nature. But Man Vs Man is relative.
  175. Everything
  176. Everything suffers the same paradoxical quandries as nothing.
  178. The Ripple/Butterfly Effect & Unity
  179. Reference the butterfly flapping its wings and causing a tornado half way around the world.
  180. Space and time are inextricably linked. Go ahead and attempt to visualize or understand time without some sort of matter depiction attached. Similarly space is nonexistant w/o time. Imagine space. You’ve probably imagined a snapshot, a sing time point of physical objects.
  181. Every being is a unique particle set of spacetime. Between or filler amongst beings establish continuity of the universe. Any action or lack of action ripples throughout the entire universe at a given spacetime. I’m one’s own selfish nature, we choose to view ourselves as distinct or separate from the universe. A single universe ourself, per se. This isn’t correct. We are all one unity. As such, there is no difference between life and death or spacetime. All things, actions and phenomen are not multiple ripples. Instead the universe is a single unitary preponderance of which we are each a part of. This may be unfathomable to some and result in the seeking of escapism and attempt at reductionism of unity into fractured entities. To me, this unity is infinitely complex. Much more preferable is a simple system. Unity through nil.
  183. Why? Why? Why? Why?
  184. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
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  249. Why?
  251. Case the place
  252. • Targets random. The cruel twists of fate are unkind to the misfortunate.
  253. • Method: bombs x (too regulated & suspicious)
  254. Biological warfare x (too impatient. Requires extensive knowledge, chemical and
  255. equipment)
  256. Serial murder x (too personal, too much evidence, easily caught, few kills)
  257. Mass murder/spree  (maximum casualties, easily performed w/ firearms although
  258. primitive in nature. No fear of consequences, being caught 99% certain)
  259. • Venue – Airport or movie theater.
  260. Airport X substantial security. Too much of a terrorist history. Terrorism isn’t the
  261. Message. The message is, there is no message. Most fools will misinterpret correlation
  262. Causation, namely relationship and work failure as causes. Both were expediting
  263. Catalysts not the reason. The causation being my state of mind for the past 15 years.
  264. • The movie theater – Cinemark 16
  265. - Isolated
  266. - Proximal
  267. - Large
  268. • What better place to case than that of an inconspicuous entertainment facility?
  269. • Southside of theater optimal
  270. • 15 screens
  272. \\Diagrams of each theater and notes written to strategize optimal plan
  274. *Table cloth … makes good door wedge. Took forever to find that it was object of search, originally looked at …clamp and other rigid yet …clips.
  275. • 3 options of attack
  276. - Start at 12
  277. - Start at10
  278. - Start at smokers escape
  280. 12 start
  281. pros
  282. - start at smaller arena
  283. - can lock dbl doors at 10 increasing casualties
  284. cons
  285. - starting point more conspicuous than others
  287. 10 start
  288. Pros
  289. - very inconspicuous starting point *can feign smoke
  290. - many initial persons packed in single area
  291. Cons
  292. - Can’t lock double doors, many escapees
  293. Smoker door start
  294. Pros
  295. - Least conspicuous, can feign need for smoke
  296. - Can lock dbl doors, inflicting mass casualties in 10.
  297. - May re-enter and kill more or bail
  298. Cons
  299. - Most prone for door being locked or clamp removed
  300. - Real smokers (early warning)
  301. - Time bar hallway is vulnerable
  303. \\More visual planning
  307. The shrinks
  308. 1. Mel, last name unknown (#1,5) Evaluator Margaret Roath
  309. 2. Lynne fenton
  310. 3. Robert Feinstein
  312. 1. Family therapy w/ Mel. Revealed nothing as to not appear weak amongst family. Was a kid at time. Parasuicide, mother noticed, asked what happened, replied paper cut. No further investigation. ~Clean bill of health. Decided to ... life to killing others so that I could live.
  313. 1.5) Requested appointment for anxiety. -Diagnosed with anxiety or depression (diagnosis unknown, possibly to avoid stigmatization. Referred to psychiatrist.
  314. 2. Immediately prescribed antidepressants (fast acting-bensos, long lasting SSRIs – sertraline)
  315. Sertraline primarily antidepressant not anxiolytic.
  316. 3. Anxiety & depression both serotonergic system anyway though. No effect when needed. First appearance of mania occurs, not good mania. Anxiety and fear disappears. No more fear, no more fear of failure. Fear of failure drove determination to improve, better and succeed in life. No fear of consequences. Primary drive reversion to hatred of mankind. Intense aversion of people, cause unknown. Began long ago, suppressed by greater fear of others. No more fear, hatred unchecked. Starts small. Buy stun gun and folding knife. Research firearms laws and mental illness. Buy handgun. Committed. -Shotgun -AR-15, 2nd handgun. Wildcard explosives. Simplest and least suspicious gasoline & oil. Acquire remote detonation system and body armor, practicing shooting at Byers Canon rifle range. Can’t tell the mind rapists plan. If plan is disturbed both “normal” life and ideal enactment on hatred foiled. Prevent building false sense of rapport. Speak truthfully and deflect incriminating questions. Oddly, they don’t pursue or delve further into harmful omissions. Attempt to see if can pass exams as myself and not by fear. Fail. I was fear incarnate. Love gone, motivation directed to hate and obsessions, which didn’t disappear for w/e reason w/ the drugs. No consequence, no fera, alone, isolated, no work for distractions, no reason to seek self actualization. Embraced the hatred, a dark knight rises.
  318. \\symbols of 0, ∞, and 1 are repeated alongside what looks like a window showcasing a fire, and arms attempting to escape
  320. Faith
  321. What kind of GOD commands his people not to murder yet cowers behind free will?
  323. Reason
  324. The reason why life should exist is as arbitrary as the reason why it shouldn’t. Life shouldn’t exist.
  326. 04.16.15
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