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- Silicon Valley Optimizers
- :paperclips: Disrupt This!
- Hitters
- - Michigan Bates, cashed out of a startup at a ludicrously young age and is now just drifting
- - Anna Blinky, a snarl of networking equipment
- - Killall Adrenaline, the AI who is too busy having an obsession with Blaseball to do more than say "kill all humans"
- - Jalopy Strawberry is a chatbot. How a piece of software with no physical form can play Blaseball is left as an exercise to the reader.
- - Tripod Williamson, multilevel marketing conperson
- - White Hat Michaels, who is an entrepreneur who does very entrepreneur things, whatever the hell those are
- - Critted Klump wears sensors that record every single thing about them all the time forever, and streams them all (including the webcam mounted on their forehead) to the internet 24/7
- - Bush Shrike, a quadcopter
- - Commence Stracciatella, angel investor who is a literal angel carrying around a briefcase full of cash
- Pitchers
- - Abernathy Elope has decided that as a neural network engineer he can solve blaseball using enough machine learning. This is Not Working.
- - Miata Marlon, an extremely put-upon barista
- - Barry Shoegazer used to be a blaseball player with no prospects, learned how to program, and is still a blaseball player with no prospects
- - Sutherland Ide can hack into your phone. And your lightbulbs. And your sandwich. And your glove. And...
- - Aditya Mitochondria, a microbiologist. Which is to say, a biologist made of microorganisms. Maybe a slime mold?
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