Thread 93: Stories 16-30

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 >Lightning Dust
"Gilda"
~~~~~

"You know they're fucked, right?"

The mare the gryphon was speaking to just leaned back in her chair, smile as wide as the nile on her face.

"They were just trying to actually get someone who knew what they were doing in charge."

>And they succeeded... or will have, eventually.

A single hawk-like eye narrowed in, glaring at the mint-green mare.

"So, you really think you're going to take her job?"

>Nahhhh, I'll just pick it up when she leaves. That'll take, what, a year before she's got herself a horn?

"You seem certain she'll quit instead of just ruling the Wonderbolts forever."

>Quit, just makes up a newer, higher position and then goes back to not giving a fuck while we run the show beneath her, whatever.

"And you're sure she's going to pick you?"

>What's the alternative? Them? Bulk?.... you?

The cat-like hiss that escaped her was oddly fitting.

>Yeah, that's what I thought. Picked the wrong pony get ridden by, Gilda my bird, picked the wrong pony. You're just as much on her shitlist right now as they are.

"It was an order."

>Yeah, which means you probably aren't fired, but I bet you look damn good in a maid outfit.

She bristled, looking quite perturbed, but said nothing to that.

>For the record, I hope she doesn't fire either of them either. They're fun.

"You're implying they'll want to be anywhere near you after this."

>Hey, what can I say, when it's either that or ending up like poor widdle Spitfire, they'll pick the right choice. It will be terrible for them, but at least they're not Shining Armor's personal fucktoys... though, side note, I would PAY to watch Fleetfoot get stuffed like a waterballoon by him, that would be great.

"...You really think you're going to be in charge, don't you?"

>Tell me one reason why I shouldn't be.

She thought.

And thought.

And thought.

...And then the gryphon turned, and left.

"...Point."

With a slam of the door, she was gone.

>That's what I thought.

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OOCO
>Spitfire
“Bulky”
~~~~

Sometimes, privacy was nice.

Sometimes, silence was a good conversation all it’s own.

Because sometimes, she liked to train alone.

Oh sure, she’d fashioned a training schedule for all of her ‘Bolts, a group regimen built around team cohesiveness and structural tightness.

They were a team, a single unit, and she made sure to reflect that in their training. If one ‘Bolt sweat less than the others then she upped the reps, the time, the weight- whatever she had to ensure they all sweat the same.

But this time, she preferred to sweat alone.

Well, she would once Bulk finished cinching the forelegs of her suit behind her. Which he did with a rib-cracking tightness.

>HRRGH!

“TOO TIGHT?”

>N-nope, just fine, Bulks, thanks.

“WELL ALRIGHTY SPITFIRE I’M GONNA YEEEEEAH ON OUTTA HERE OKAY?”

>Roger, Bulks.

“TRY NOT TO BREAK A WING LIKE LAST TIME.”

>No promises.

With his part through, true to his word, Bulk let out one last vociferous

“YEEEEEEAH!”

and left his captain to hang on the pull-up bar from only her wings, the rest of her body tied up in her ‘Bolts suit like some sort of faux straightjacket.

For a few seconds, she merely swayed in the slight breeze.

>…Alright, girl. Set the mode. Set the mode and they’ll follow.


Like an old friend come to visit, Spitfire felt her spine ignite with agony as she pulled herself up.

Then slowly lowered herself down.

Then back up.

And down.

She had a steady rhythm before long, a rhythm to match the sweat already peppering her forehead.

>…th-thirty-two… thirty-thr-… th-threeeeee-C’MON! C’MON BITCH PUSH! PUUUUU-

*crack!*

>GUH!

Her eyes crossed, vision blackened.

...When she eventually regained conscious, however long that took, Spitfire found herself still hanging from the pull-up bar.

Albeit from one seriously determined wing while the other hung like a wet noodle, nothing but a limp limb of pain.

>…

Innnnnhale.

>We’re not done yet, girl.

Exhaaaaale.

>Thirty-three… ouch. Th-thirty-four… ouch.

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>Spitfire
"Sunset"
~~~~

The slow clap could be described in many, many different ways.

'Appreciated' was not one of those ways.

>I'm pretty sure this is the place.

"Yeah, going to take a shot in the dark and say this is the place."

'The place', as they put it, was either the office which they had been seeking this whole time, or a library that had somehow gotten mixed up and placed in the wrong room. Either one would explain the massively stacked desk sitting directly before them, literal towers of papers reaching up high all upon in to the point it was actually straining the supposedly study crystal furniture below it. The thing looked as worn as if it had been used for centuries, and they were only guessing that it wasn't at this point, it was only the fact that most of these documents had today's date upon them that they didn't think they had somehow found the hidden storage of thousand year old documents.

Needless to say, they had at last found the office of princess Cadenza Mi Amore.

"This is... insane."

She circled it with trepidation, and only partly from the very real fear that it might at any moment tumble over and crush her like an ant. She was careful as she scanned it, noticing the writing on the tops of the far too high stacks as soon as she could crane her neck enough to look up to it.

However, when she reached out to grab hold of one of said files, she found it wasn't the weight of paper she needed to fear. Instead, the vice like powerful grip of a fellow yellow hoof was far more pressing as it slowly twisted it away.

>And just what the fuck do you think you are doing?

Spitfire had shifted, changing from the awe stricken gobsmacked look to one of hard glare, making a point of it as she continued to twist the painless hoof away from the stacks.

"I'm investigating. You know, what we said we were going to do?"

>And I said I was going to look for anything suspicious, not let you look at possibly classified information.

She wrenched her hoof free, shoving herself away from the former wonderbolt and twisting her limb back until it at least resembled what it had before.

"I'm not looking for state secrets, you know that."

>I don't care if you say that, or what I think. I'm not authorized to let you see this information, and I'm not going to. Right now, you're a threat to national security, and I'd never be stupid enough to let someone look at this just because they say they want to help. I can be irresponsible, but I'm not that bad.

"This is for her."

Pointedly, she moved between Sunset and the paperwork, glaring down the unmoving unicorn without a hint of remorse.

>Well then, I'm doing this for me. I, Spitfire, captain of the Crystal Empire Airforce and a citizen of this Empire, say to you, a civilian, don't go looking through official government documents or I will be forced to firepunch you out of this Empire with a sonic boom. In case you were wondering, I have totally done that once before, and it was awesome.

Little more needed to be said after that, she knew. She knew that while she could likely take on Spitfire in a direct fight, it wouldn't exactly help her situation any. Reluctantly, she backed off.

"...It’s mostly city works, I can see it from here."

Pointedly, Spitfire's eyes cut over to the desk, scanning those in plain sight to ensure there was nothing she needed to cover up as quickly as she could.

Her fears were put to rest when, indeed, there was nothing of any real note up there. Just a whole lot of papers on maintenance, school budgeting, housing, park upkeep, street cleaning-

>Okay, what the fuck doesn't she do!?

The hardness in her voice was long gone as she openly read those papers on the desk, occasionally shuffling one or the other just to see how deep the rabbit hole went, but never quite finding the bottom.

>How the fuck does... look at this, budgeting for pretty much everything for the castle, planning for future stuff... this school isn't even in pre-development stages yet, and she's already working on the budgeting for the full year of the academy? How... look, this isn't just stuff she needs done, she's got it all filled out even! Where could she possibly have the time to fill all this out?... and why the fuck is she filling out each lamp post oil allocation by hoof!? Are you seeing this!?

"I thought you said you didn't want me to look at it?"

Sunset, despite herself, had to smile a bit at the annoyed growl that came from the pegasus. Still, after a bit of straightening, said pegasus stepped back and stood off to the side.

"Well?"

>...I have determined there are no security or non-public documents on display in the immediate line of sight. With that in mind, you may continue looking, but do not touch or move any papers.

"Considerate of you."

>I'm just not too keen on getting my fiery ass tossed out in the cold again.

"Funny, last I heard you quit."

>...I was out in the cold long before that.

She chose not to dwell on that, lest her own thoughts on the matter come to fruition. There was too much to think about now for that.

So, instead she busied herself scanning every inch of that desk, looking for any clue something was off, any sign that somehow something was wrong. But no matter what she looked too, everything seemed fine, with no indication this desk belonged to anyone else. In fact, everything about it screamed Cadence.

There was the picture of Shining Armor in plain view with little kisses imprints on the glass, there were pictures that little Two had drawn and posted with pride. Lip gloss that matched her own. Hoofmark imprints that fit her bigger than average size...


Finally, most damming, a brush filled with a certain assortment of colors that belonged to only one of the alicorns, and very likely only one pony on the planet. A quick check, a quick confirmation... no magic in that hair what so ever, not a trace of disguise magic at all. Not a single hint of an indication that this was anyone else but Cadence herself doing all this work.

The realization came soon.

"...So... I suppose... we were mistaken?"

>...huh.

It was odd, since in reality this is sort of what they were hoping for. Spitfire's investigation had indicated there was no possible way for her to pull this off, and yet... here it was. Proof, staring them right in the face. This was the desk of Princess Cadence, and she was in fact doing all of this work.

They couldn't quite put their hoof on why this made them feel so... off.

>...how.

"That is a very good question... perhaps she's mastered a multiplication spell? Or some sort of magic that lets her be in several places at once?... Time travel, maybe?"

Sunset continued to ramble off theories, each one more implausible then the last, while circling the desk in rapid succession. Circling, and circling, and circling...

"Or perhaps she's found some way to divine the answers through some sort of meditation, allowing her to instantly know the answer to every-OOF!"

Oof was very odd to hear from one without lungs. Even odder still, what had caused it.

"...what in the hell?"

It had been so far off to the side, they hadn't even seen it upon coming in. So grabbed was their attention by the monolith of government work, they hadn't even let loose their tunnel vision a bit to see the thing just off to the side, not hidden in the least yet somehow unnoticed to them. Now that they had taken notice, it stunned them that it had ever escaped their sight.

For how could they be anything less than stunned that they had missed a quite large, shining, sparkling desk of the finest crystal off to the side?


Now that they had seen it, now that they had let it sink in, a telling revelation sank in. One that elicited a loud, explosive response that could never be contained.

"I literally have a heart made of stone, and I'm telling you right now, I feel it. I literally almost destroyed my soul, and I'll tell you right now, I'm not soulless enough not to be moved by that. This is just... just..."

Spitfire was a proud mare, one who prided herself on control, and kept any and all outbursts to a bare minimum.

But, even she could not hold it in any longer.

>DAWWWWWWWWWWW! Two has her own widdle deeesskkkkk!

She didn't care about her 'tough captain' image right now, that image could go straight to tartarus and stay there for all she gave a damn. This was cute, and she was going to have herself a little moment while she looked over the frankly eye straining nightmare that was the makeup ridden, bedazzled and jewel encrusted piece of furniture that looked more at home in a toy playset then it did in an official office work, and that was even taking into consideration they literally lived in a place made out of pastel colored shiny rocks.

>Oh look, she even let her fill out some of the basic forms! Ohhh ho ho, that's just... nnngmmm...

"That's technically illegal-"

>You shut up. You shut up right now in your facehole or I will hoof-shut-up your facehole. You take that cynical shit and you put it where it belongs, right up the ass of the cynic who feels it. There is a tiny little changeling princess who gets to pretend to be like mommy and fill out the forms on her own garishly pink and overly bedazzled desk like a real princess and you are not ruining this moment for me. This moment is just...

"...yeah, it's really cute..."

Something deep inside of Sunset panged at that.

Something she had hoped would not pang at all, but pang it did, and she felt it.

She felt now was a good time to wrap it up.


"Well, I guess... we were wrong? It looks like our fears that someone else was taking over her were false."

>Huh... I guess so?

"Does Cadence look tired to you, at all? Overworked, strained?"

>No, not at all. In face she looks like a million bits every day. Just... so pretty.

"Hrm... well, I can't say she needs to take a vacation or something, can I?"

>Would be pretty dumb since they're literally all out having a fun time while we're here. So, she's making time for herself.

"...I don't know, I guess I just... she should be burning herself out at this rate, right?"

>Guess alicorns are just something special.

Another, deeper pang right to her heart, and it hurt.

"Y-yeah... guess they're something special. Can run a country, be a mother, have time for friends, all of that and still look...."

>Hot, is what you were trying to say.

"But maybe..."

>I mean, there's still..

Nothing, Sunset realized. Nothing that wasn't reaching, hard.

It felt oddly humbling, like a weight had been pressed down. The weight of knowing that, despite what she had said and thought she knew, maybe Celestia really did only choose the best of the best to be princesses, maybe they really were just plain in a class of their own.

Maybe she never had really had a chance of deserving it...

>What does this say when we're honestly trying to find another answer aside from the stupidly obvious one? You know what I think it is? I don't think it's her. I think it's us.

And it seemed she was not alone, if the defeated, bitter tone of the other mare was any indication.

>I think we're just a couple of failures who kept failing really really hard, and these non-failures just had to keep propping us up and giving us chances, and we just couldn't take this. We just saw someone else achieving and being awesome and thought "Nobody is that awesome, no way could anyone ever be that awesome. There has to be something wrong with it." and we just couldn't accept that maybe we just sucked.


Sullenly, she floated over the desk, eyes trailing over all the completed daily work, more than she did in a month. She floated, eyes still betraying her and looking for anything out of place, but found nothing until at last she was hovering over the chair of power, the seat that was more important in the grand scheme of the Empire than she was.

>Jeez...I can't even imagine, that's the problem. I can't imagine being like her because I'm just plain not this good. Getting up every day from my bed. Getting all pretty and ready for work seeing to every single one of my subjects like I was their own personal friend. Going out, making them happy, then coming home, walking in and seeing this, and sitting down right...

Just before she sat down, the very instant before her butt touched seat, she saw it.

A tiny little corner of a paper, somewhere in the middle of one of countless stacks, jumped out at her. Had this one little corner of this one little paper not been so utterly ingrained in her mind that she sometimes still saw it in her sleep, it would have slipped by totally unnoticed.

Had she not been Spitfire, former captain of the Wonderbolts, this one little corner of this one little paper wouldn’t have meant anything to her, anything at all.

But she was Spitfire, she used to be the captain of the Wonderbolts… and she would recognize that seal anywhere.

>No… fucking… way…

The seal of Equestria herself.

The seal of the Wonderbolts.

She didn’t even think, just acted. Pulling the paper free of its confines so fast the others in the stack didn’t move an inch. Pulling it free so she could look upon and confirm what her head knew and her heart had denied. Pulling it free so she could see, what she had hoped was not there.

But there it was.

“S… Spitfire?”

>…ffff….

“…Spitfire? What… what’s on that paper?”

>…fff….

“Spitfir-“

>…are you FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING KIDDING ME!?

She slammed the paper back down, as if to punish it for daring to be a paper that had something she didn’t like on it, and it was just as childish looking as that sounded.

>Fucking seriously!? FUCKING SERIOUSLY!?

“W-what!? WHAT!?”

She shoved the paper in her face, quite literally. But even with the limited sight range, Sunset could quite clearly make out what was on it.

Or rather, the basics, and that was really all she needed to know.

This was a form for the budgetary allocations of Wonderbolt Stadium maintenance and new uniform orders to deal with the recent influx of recruits.

“…I don’t understand.”

>You don’t understand!? YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!? How could you not understand!? This is how we decide what stuff the Wonderbolts do! This is the budgetary stuff for the stadium! With the plans! The CLASSIFIED plans to our super secret and very important training facility! This… this should be treason just for having left the main office, let alone being down here in the fucking EMPIRE!

“Why… why is it down here?”

>Here’s a hint, that’s not Dash’s hoofwriting!

Sure enough, the writing for every aspect much more resembled that of the forms on the desk, and much less like the somewhat sloppy writing of the brash mare. Even Sunset, with her limited knowledge, could gleam that.

And this paper was only the beginning. Soon, even the faint hope this was just a misfiled paper, or perhaps a one off thing was put to a sudden, and permanent rest.

Searching through the stacks, without letting Sunset see what was on them of course, she found form after form, page after page after page, until the stack of all of them was well over half of that which Spitfire remembered seeing on her average day at work. There might’ve been more, but she had to stop.

The rage was becoming unbearable.

>She’s having someone else fill out the fucking forms to the fucking Wonderbolt paperwork for her! She’s not doing any of this shit! She’s giving classified info to a foreign royal so she could do it for her!? Fucking… that’s treason! This is all treason! And illegal! And just a whole fucking lot of bullshit!

She raged like she had never raged before, so loudly that even Sunset found herself moving away in fear. It might have been the thrashing, but she swore she saw Spitfire’s hair begin to wave like it had actually caught fire.

In the mind of the Pegasus, it may as well have.

>THIS IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT! THIS IS SUCH! FUCKING! BULLSHIT! This… this isn’t fucking fair! This isn’t right! This is wrong! This is just… I got fucking fired over this, but oh noooo, not her! She just has an alicorn come in and sweep up after her and it’s all right as rain! Where was my fucking alicorn helper!? Where was my backup!? Dash fucking looked at my stuff for a month and she’s suddenly fucking captain, but oh no! Not her! She gets to just shuffle it off to another country and everything is just hunky dorey! Everything’s just fine for her! And it’s SUCH! FUCKING BUUUULLLLSHHHIIIIITTTTTT!

She swore the castle rattled with that scream, she swore the very foundation barely held when it finally died down.

But even when the screams stopped, and the heaving of breath came, the mare in the air did no such thing.

>…I’m going to tell everyone.

“Spitfire?”

>I should! I’m going to! I’m going to do that and rub it in her face, right in front of everyone! Fucking… they deserve to know! The Wonderbolts deserve to know their leader fucking shuffles off all her work to someone else, right? Not like she’s keeping her files in Equestria anyway, what’s wrong with sharing them with the world!?

“…Like, a lot of laws, probably?”

The moment Spitfire looked to her, she felt regret like no other.


>Well fuck that! Fuck that and fuck them and fuck her and fuck all of everything and fuck it fuck it fuck it FUCK IT!

She spun punching the wall with everything she had. Even that crystal, designed to be able to withstand a lot of punishment, cracked just a bit beneath her force.

Heaving, chest burning, clutching a single slip of those papers, her wing beats became little more than lazy flaps as the burning flame became a light sizzle, and she calmed down little by little.

“Are… are you okay?”

She flinched, knowing full well how childish and downright unacceptable she had been acting. She knew she must have looked like a rampaging toddler up there, and right now, she felt that.

>…It’s fine.

The crack in her voice said more than her words ever could.

>It’s... it’s fine. It’s just totally fine. I… fuck that place, you know? Fuck them, fuck Applejack for firing me and just fuck Rainbow Dash for taking my job and fuck them both with a rusty pike. I don’t need them. I don’t fucking need them. I’ve got a life now, and I don’t need to wear a goddamn maid’s outfit to keep living it. And I don’t need to clean your damn underwear with my FUCKING TONGUE, DASH!

Sunset didn’t know what made her heart seize more, what she said, or the painful crunch of her hoof when she punched the wall again.

>…I don’t need it.

“…So… so are you still planning on-“

>No, I’m not… because then I might have to say Cadence was a part of this, and she’s just… she’s just probably doing it because she was nice, and didn’t want the Wonderbolts to suffer. Maybe she would’ve helped me too if I hadn’t been such a jackass and just asked, but I was a stupid jackass back then… nothing to be done. This is just… I don’t fucking care.

“If it wasn’t Cadence… would you reveal it?”

She turned, no longer in a rage, and no longer anything at all but still, and hard looking.

>…Probably.


Without the fire to keep her up, she just lowered, and lowered down, until at last she nearly took her seat to let her tense muscles go limp.

>Let’s just get out of h-

She froze as soon as she sat down at the chair in front of the big desk. Froze like there had been a spike gone right up her backside and into her spine, holding her rigid.

"Spitfire?"

She shifted, ever so slightly she shifted. A little to the left, a little to the right. All the while, her eyes were wide.

She dismounted the chair with stunning speed, hovering above it like gravity had been turned off for her. Suspended high, her gaze locked in on that chair, and never once did she look away from the seat.

"Spitfire? You're... you're scaring me, what-"

>That's not Cadence.

Sullen, dark thoughts left her as suddenly as they came, and confusion took their place.

"What do you mean? What about all that talk of we just want to see what we want to see and-"

>That is not Cadence.

"But... how can you know?"

She lowered herself, slowly, carefully, until she sat next to the seat. With a practiced and gentle ease, her hoof trailed over the pillowy soft cushion, rolling around the indent well worn into it.

>...Because her ass is nowhere near this big.

A long, awkward paused followed her all too serious declaration.

Sunset felt it a little unfitting.

"...I beg your pardon?"

>The ass that has sat in this chair is nowhere near the ass that is on the backside of that princess, nowhere near. It's not remotely comparable.

"...okay, h-"

>Don't ask me how-

"No! Fucking... no! I have just rolled with a lot of stuff you have said, I have not questioned a lot of really important things, but I'm drawing the line here. You tell me exactly how you know Cadence's ass size right this instant!"

>Well, I mean, it's pretty obvious if you just look, and I looked at it a couple-


"No, not good enough, not nearly good enough, you recognized that by feel of your own, and I need to know, right now, how you managed that. You tell me how you know her ass size right this Celestia-damned instant!"

>...I tried on her underwear.

Another, more poignant silence followed.

"...She doesn't wear underwear."

>Her, uh... special kind.

"..."

>...It was so tiny.

"They're supposed to be.."

>Not this tiny. This is like... filly tiny. It was literally cutting off my circulation just trying to get it on me.

"..."

>And I uh... I...

"..."

>...I saw her wear it once. After that.

"..."

>It fit fine on her.

"..."

>...And if you ask for that string of events, I will start punching until I literally watch that information roll out of your head.

"...So... so..."

>So that ass that made that indent.. is not Cadence.

She should not have felt as... vindicated by that as she did.

"So then... who's is it?"

>That, I couldn't tell you. All I know is, it's not Shining.

"..."

>Don't you even-

"Not going to. But if that's not Cadence, we have a serious problem here."

>Yeah, no kidding, but how are we supposed to find out when they've taken such crazy lengths to hide-

When her hoof stomped down in frustration, she once again froze. Not because the crystal beneath her was hard, not at all.

But because it was something else entirely.

"...Is that floor panel hollow?"

Magic grabbed hold before Spitfire could even say a word and tossed it up. She knew full well that she was risking seeing some kind of secrets with this, but the chance for vindication, for revelation, was finally upon her and she was going to take it and damn the consequences.

She didn't know what she expected to find underneath that hidden floorboard, that was the truth.

Somehow, the fact it was filled with letter after letter with child-like drawings still took her back.

"...Oh, well, now I just feel silly. That's-"

>Those aren't from Two.


Sunset really had picked an invaluable ally for this one, she realized. Maybe this was that friendship is magic thing everyone is going on about...

"...Okay, how. How could you POSSIBLY-"

>Two uses the good crayons, the really shiny ones with the sparkles put right in. This is... the cheap stuff.

It was true, the markings in this one were of such a stark contrast in quality to the ones hanging all over, it was apparent to any who took the time to look.

That and the contents offered a hint as to their origins.

"...that and the fact these things are covered in sand and red dust, which is kind of lacking in this neck of the icy tundra."

>Okaaayyy... so, who's sending her these?

"...Changeling Fifty Five."

>How do you know... oh.

It was so painfully obvious now, it was almost insulting.

An envelope.

"...Spitfire..."

>Yeah?

"I... I know who's been sitting in her place."

>Oh? Who do you...

There, on the envelope, plain for all to see, the answer to their questions.

~From 55.~
~To 18.~

And it all made sense.

>...OHHHHHH! So THAT'S what she does!... okay.

"Okay?"

After carefully replacing the pictures, the envelope and the floor tiles, Sunset began to shake.

And shake she did.

And rage she did.

"Okay? OKAY!? You think this is okay!?"

>Yeah?

"Are you STUPID!?"

She slapped the other mare across the cheek, hard enough to knock Spitfire down on her side.

"How can you be so utterly blind!? Don't you get it?! Eighteen, CHANGELING EIGHTEEN, is currently sitting at one of the highest places in the Empire's command! She has more power over every single day to day entry of the Empire's life than their entire council does! She has the power to completely shape every aspect from road work to military placement to freaking EDUCATION! She could forge this Empire exactly as she wanted to and nobody could stop her!"

Spittle was beginning to fly as she ranted, her head boiling as more and more implications reached a fever pitch in her brain.


"No, worse than that, somebody could stop her, but she's sitting over in the fucking pretty pink desk occasionally pretending to do her job, but really just fixing her fucking hair!"

>I'm pretty sure that's Two-

"Then why the FUCK IS THE CHAIR SO LOW!?"

Sure enough, upon closer inspection, the chair to said smaller, pretty bejewled desk did seem a bit low to the ground for a child to sit in it.

Not that the barely there indent on the seat would tell you that, it seemed made for, at best, a teen.

>...Huh.

"Huh!? FUCKING HUH!? Oh fuck, it all makes sense now! It all makes sense! Chrysalis didn't just get in, she fucking took over while nobody was looking! She's had the royal couple on a leash this whole time, and nobody has stopped her! Worse, Celestia might not just know about it, she might be in on it and compromised like they are! She's completely taken over and she did a dame good job! Her minions aren't just in, they're so ingrained into it they can just move in and rule this place without even a blink! That's why Chrysalis wanted to move over here, that's why nobody talks about Forty Two! This is why they just up and decided to adopt a changeling! Chrysalis made it so her own soldiers have control over Military, Future Rule and now even their basic government has all been usurped and put into her hooves, and she's sharing the bed with the former enemy she once controlled.... or maybe never stopped controlling! This is all a plot! Ponies getting replaced and controlled, countries being taken, wars could be waged without anyone ever knowing! This is all one great big master plot and WHY ARE YOU JUST FUCKING STARING AT ME!"

>...because you're being stupid.

If Spitfire had punched her in the nose, she would have been less thrown for a loop.

"...WHA-OW!"

Said mare put that to the test.

"Why the FUCK DID YOU HIT ME!?"

>You hit me first.

"I was trying to knock some sense into you!"

>Same.

"...WHAT!?"

>Oh for the love of...

She grabbed hold of the unicorn, holding her firmly in place while she looked her dead in the eyes.

>Sunset, I want you to listen to me, very, very closely.

"...but.. but it's a-"

>Sunset.

"..."

>...Eighteen... does not give a FUUUUUUUCK about Chrysalis.

"...what?"

She shoved off her, dusting off her hooves while the other mare just kept staring with open, uncomprehending eyes.

>She does not give one salty little fuck about the Queen bug, not a bit, not a little. You want to know how bad it is? Eighteen honestly, and I swear to you this is true, she was utterly pissed when the changelings moved over here. She came to this place to get as far away from that hive as possible because she cannot stand them. And you know what? It's been pretty obvious even to me that Chrysalis has about as much a hold on her as I do on the abstract concept of happiness. She could not give less of a fuck about what Chrysalis says, wants or plans, and she tells her to her face when she's constantly backtalking her and chiding her and calling her stupid. You want to know why I said "okay"? Really? You want to know why?

"Y-y... yes?"

>It's because I've been confused for a long, long time since I've been working here. Because despite being around, I had no idea what Eighteen did. At first I just thought she was Shining's side number or something, but have you ever seen her talk about the Empire?

"...no?"

>No, you haven't, because if you had it would be as plain to you as it is to me that her being some sort of plot to bring this place down is insane.

"...You do realize that's exactly how she would want you to thi-"

No pretenses, just a full SLAP across the face for that one.


>You don't see her light up like a Hearth Warming light when she talks about this place, you don't see her relish in every single thing going right in the city. You want to know why I was confused? Because before today, it always confused the fuck out of me why Shining Armor's side dish got so excited when they started building a new music hall or hospital wing. She's there every time, and she looks like Two in a candy store. From watching CONSTRUCTION WORK. Now, for once, this all makes sense. If there was ever a mare who would literally look at every aspect and make sure this place was perfect, it's her. This isn't a plot, Sunset... at least, not this part.

She sighed, running her hoof through her hair to try and calm down the raging blood vessels making her face go red.

>And… come on, let’s be honest… we both know she’s in love with the guy.

She couldn’t say that for sure, of course, she barely knew the mare, but since Spitfire seemed so sure…

"This isn’t a plot?”

>Nope.

“But… it would be so easy to take over now.”

>But Eighteen doesn’t want to. Neither does Forty Two, or especially not Two. All little Two wants is some marchmalleys and maybe some playmates, and she’s good. She doesn’t want the world, Sunset, she just wants to be with… them.

There it was, right in front of her face.

Eighteen, Changeling Eighteen, the loud mouthed, brash, opinionated little bug with Cadence’s hair had been here for who knows how long, had more control over anyone should reasonably have for this country, and…

She had pushed herself to terrifying levels to make it a better place, and took joy, real joy, in making it so. She worked when the Princess didn’t. She struggled while the one who should be shouldering this walked the streets with a skip in her step and everything she could ever want

A castle. A loving husband. A fortune. An army. Friends. Family. Any comfort she could ever want or wish for was in her hooves.


And while she did this, Eighteen filled out forms to make sure the street lamps burned out exactly when they should, so she could scrimp money all for the sole purpose of a new music hall.

Cadence had been granted the greatest gift any could be given, that of a horn and wings, of the power and immortality and grace of an alicorn. An Empire to call her own. Citizens who revered, maybe even worshipped her. She had been given what anyone would kill a thousand times over to get if only for a day, and yet she still treated it as if it were nothing more than a side job. Her real job was being out there, being a celebrity, being someone everyone could see and think ‘wow, she is just so amazing.’ And she drank it all up.

Meanwhile, a changeling, supposedly a crafty, backstabbing little thing, toiled away to make their lives better with more than just a placating smile. She made real change, while the one who they paid their taxes to just told them everything was going to be okay, and the world as a whole continued to hate and fear the changelings, and their destructive ways.

…That feeling was coming back…

>Whelp, let’s get out of here. I’ll tell Shining we went searching, if he’s mad he’ll be mad at me and not you. Not worried, though, I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s… he’s really understanding, when he needs to be. Let’s just-

“I’m going to tell Celestia.”

Had a window cracked open and the cold of the tundra rolled in, Spitfire wondered?

>…I’m sorry?

“I’m going to tell Celestia about this, about all of it. No way is she okay with it, she would never allow Cadence to neglect her duties like this, never. She’d rip off her wings first.”

>Cadence was a pegasus before becoming an alicorn.

“Horn, then. This isn’t going to be tolerated, and I’m going to tell Celestia… maybe everyone.”

It must have, otherwise the room wouldn’t be so cold.


>…Sunset? Do you remember what I told you, before all of this started? Remember what I said? I said, if I even get a whiff of their dirty laundry, I’m out. You remember that?

“I don’t remember making the same promise.”

>No, you promised this was only to help and make sure she was okay. Remember that? Remember that little bit? Well… she’s okay, and she doesn’t need any help. So looks like mission accomplished, and we can all go home. Want to get a drink and forget your worries? I’ll buy.

Funny, Sunset had forgotten what bile in her throat tasted like.

“Do you have any idea what we’ve just found? She… she’s supposed to be a princess. She’s supposed to inspire ponies.”

>They seem pretty inspired to me.

“They’re inspired because they think she’s someone else!”

>And, clearly, that someone else is fine with it, so no problem.

“I can’t believe you!”

She stomped ever close to the door, a fact that Spitfire was acutely aware of.

“You hypocrite! You were two seconds from exposing Dash for this very same thing!”

>I said I didn’t care, so why don’t you take some inspiration from me and let it go.

“But you were right! You were so right! Applejack promoted her when she’s clearly not capable of handling it, just like Cadence clearly wasn’t’ capable!”

>Maybe she is and just can’t do it all so she brought in some help, you ever think about that?

“So then, no problem with me telling Celestia, huh!?”

The door opened just a crack.

Then slammed right back under the weight of mirrored yellow hoof shutting it.

>I have a lot of problem with you telling Empire secrets to anyone. Now, are you going to be quiet on the matter, or am I going to have to-HNK!

She flew across the room, though for once not of her own accord, and slammed hard against the wall under a telekinetic blast.

“This isn’t acceptable! This isn’t something that can be kept secret! Everyone needs to know!”


Spitfire strained beneath the magic, struggling to lift herself off even just a little bit.

>B-bullshit, you’re just being a little bitch about the fact that someone you don’t think is ‘worthy’ got to be a princess over you, and now you’re trying to feel validated!

She found herself shoved back down, pressed hard against the crystal from another, stronger unseen wave crashing down on her.

“T-that’s not it at all! I just want everyone to know what Eighteen is doing!”

>Stop fucking lying to me! If Eighteen cared, she would have said something long ago! No, no way… this is all about the fact you’re not a princess, and you don’t deserve to be one, UNLIKE HER!

“UNLIKE HER!?”

Be it a need to silence her, or just an unusual flux in her powers, Sunset didn’t know which. All she knew was that Spitfire paused her rant after the next push, and she was losing it with every step.

“A princess is supposed to be someone everyone aspires to be, they're supposed to be the standard that anyone can better themselves and become, not an example of how to ride the more capable to fame and fortune!”

>She's also the only reason I'm not fucking homeless!

“Oh, so you want to keep a friend of yours in this position even though she might not deserve it and someone better might? How is that any different from what Applejack did!?”

>Because… because…

She needed a minute, she needed to think and tell her exactly why she was so very wrong. She just… couldn’t under this pressure.

It was the pressure, surely.

>It’s not the same. She got this position before any changelings, and before they arrived she kept it going. I don’t know how well… but at least it worked. She earned it, and nobody had to pull rank in order to make her head of the Empire! They chose her, not Applejack, and not Celestia!

“That’s not good enough! If she’s not the best, she needs to be replaced!”

>Like me?

The magic wavered, just a bit.


>And you know what, Sunset? I learned something from that. From them, what I went through, all that. I learned something from that, unlike you.

“… and what’s that?”

The magic had loosened, just enough, just barely enough to get her hooves under her.

>That tearing down those at the top when they slip a bit… doesn’t fix shit.

And that was all she needed.

“AH!”

The magic could not hold beneath the titanic beat of her wings, a wind gust that would normally have sent her rocketing at over a hundred miles an hour turned entirely against the force holding her down, a force that could not stand against that pressure. In the blink of an eye, Spitfire was in her grasp no more.

Time seemed to slow as Sunset felt herself be taken up into the air. Her magic fired once, managing to hit nothing but a blur of yellow that was the aftermath of a hoof to her face. Fired again, nothing but a scorch on the ceiling and a blow to her chest. A shield, almost covering her, found itself shorted by a lightning fast hoof to her horn.

Finally, the world turned upside down, literally, and her back met cold crystal. Without a second gone, faster than she could follow, a hind hoof shoved down on her horn, tellingly close to slamming downwards and cracking it.

>I feel a tingle, and I’m going to break it.

She would, there was no doubt in her mind. There was no chance that the former fastest flier in Equestria couldn’t outrun her spell and break her horn right there.

And she would do it too.

"You're just going to let this go on?"

>...

“…this isn’t right, you know this isn’t right. This isn’t right to give all the credit to someone who doesn’t deserve this.”


>…maybe it’s not, no. I’ll admit that. But Sunset… you don’t get it, do you? These… these are my friends, and you want to hurt them, and you want to shame them, and it’s all my fault for letting you get this far and learn all of this. I didn’t trust the ones who let me in, not the other way around, and now they might pay for it. I can't let that happen.

Her throat seized, growing stiff and cold as that bile from before lost all it’s luster. In all her rage, she hadn’t even considered the fact this would destroy the mare who had helped her out…

“…so, what, are you going to throw me back in the dungeon? That it? Lock me up forever to keep this secret safe?...Going to take the easy way out, and lock me up forever?”

A pause.

She was considering it.

She was honestly considering it.

>… that wouldn’t be the easy way out.

She twisted, just when she felt the first tingles beneath her hoof on that horn. Sunset quickly got the point, and did not try again.

>The easy thing to do would be let you go. I bet you wouldn’t turn me in, we’re too much alike. I’d say “She slipped away from me and saw something she shouldn’t”, and they’d buy that. Cadence would forgive me, nobody is perfect. Shining would forgive me, things have got past him plenty. They’d be exposed, but I wouldn’t be indicted. I wasn’t in on it, everyone would testify I didn’t know, and whatever backlash they faced wouldn’t dent me. That’s the easy way. let you go out and expose her, and cover my ass… The hard way is taking you down into the dungeon. The hard way is looking at that stallion who despite it all said I was worth something, and for once in my damn life made me really believe it, and I have to say to him ‘your wife’s secret might be exposed, the public might hate her… and it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault because I was stupid and afraid, and I didn’t put a stop to someone when I should… again.’

The mist had become more than just that, coating the edges of her eyes.

>I have to take you down into the dungeon, and he’s going to fire me. And if not… I deserve to be.

She twisted, painfully for Sunset once more, and once more any magic that was gathering was gone away.

>Because unlike you, I care when my fuckups hurt someone. I was trying to help, doesn’t fucking matter. I was trying to be a good captain and look out for my friend, doesn’t fucking matter. I didn’t think it through, and here we are… here we are.

The fight, at last, left Sunset’s face, and she could look to the other no longer.

“…just let me tell Applejack.”

>You can’t be-

“JUST LET ME TELL APPLEJACK!”

Her voice had gone from it’s normal, thoughtful volume, replaced by a loud, shrill screech.

“I don’t… I just want to help, but not just help the important ponies! Everyone deserves to be looked after!”

>It’s working over here!

“But it’s not over there, okay!?”

That, at least, was enough to make Spitfire back off a bit.

“…F-fine, fine! Fine, whatever! I won’t…. I won’t tell everyone else about Cadence. You’re right, it’s not going to help, and it’s not going to make it better. They saved and covered for me… they deserve the same. I was just… not thinking. Just letting my own mistakes talk. If I do this, I’m just proving to them that they never should give anyone another chance, because they’ll turn on them later. I’ll just prove that them showing me mercy was a mistake, and they shouldn’t ever make that mistake again. Fine…. You win for the Empire.”

She snapped back, once more glaring at the fiery mare.


“But over there, the situation is fucked! Fine, we won’t mess with the Empire, but I’m not standing for this with Dash! This isn’t right! This is… this needs to change, and I know you know it too, even if you’re too afraid to say anything! I know it’s Eighteen now, but I need to know if Applejack realizes that she’s having a member of the species she EXILED control her airforce! I won't tell Celestia, fine. Not yet. I won’t tell the public, not ever. But I need… I need to know what to do here, because it sounds like my teacher kicked you out, humiliated you, let you be abused and then forced you away from your home just to hire on her best friend! This… this can’t be right! This isn’t Applejack, and she needs to know… so please. I need some guidance, and I need a teacher. I can admit that. Fine, it works over here, whatever… but my home doesn’t work, it’s not working at all, and I need to fix something damn it. Just let me fix… something. Just let me fix one fucking thing and not mess it up again. Let me just... be worth something.”

She choked, yet no tears could come from her body.

“Please, I know you shouldn’t trust me, nobody should, but I need this. I need this one chance to do something right and help somebody, even if they hate me.”

She struggled, yet called no magic to throw her off.

“I don’t deserve it, but…”

She fought… but did not need to anymore when that hoof lifted off her horn, and she was picked up by her shoulders.

She tried to stare, yet could not match the intensity of the glare mirrored in her eyes.

>…if you try to expose them, or do anything that would turn ponies against them…

She didn’t need to say anymore.

That said it all.

“You’re asking a lot.”

>They’re worth it.

“…I can't argue that, I guess.”

She nodded, and despite herself, despite all that had just transpired…

Spitfire helped her up.

“Spitfire?”

>…

“Why aren’t you throwing me in the dungeon, really?”

>…I want to trust you.

“Why?”

>…because you remind me of me… too much...

Magic, wonderful magic, put the room back as it had been. Not a thing out of place, not a single inch seeming disturbed. Not to hide it, of course. One look into Spitfire’s eyes said this wasn’t going to be hidden, and come what may would be.

This was only so that the one who lived here, when she returned, could get back to work, and continue making this a better place.

And, as they left the room, side by side, headed towards the portal with barely more than a look to the other and some strange gestures from Spitfire to the guards, they hoped that maybe, just maybe…

They could do the same.

“Just a couple of fuckups... always trying to get it right."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


 >18
"42"
~~~~~

>...

"...is something the matt-"

>Someone...is touching... MY PAPPPPEERRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

"...You need to get laid."

>RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Luna"
'Cadence'
[DT]
{Cardboard Pinkie}
+Discord+
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and Luna actually does her job!

"Excuse me?"

[That last area...]

>Yeah, it was a memory I tried to repress.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugsAGtz1sfM

'It just kept going...the giraffes in the air.'

"They weren't gir...never mind."

[I'll never look at Flitter the same way again. Let's just get this over with. Are we there yet?]

"We should be. I sense she's on this level."

>...my tail's twitching.

"And that's suppose to mean some-"
A safe drops on Luna. Status:Stunned

'She's here!'

Pops behind Cadence.
{No I'm not.}
Disappears.

[She's fast!]

{Gotta move quickly to catch me.}
DT extends the spider legs, but swipe nothing but air.

>The helix shell!
She searches through he saddle bags.
>Oh no, why didn't I sell my junk? Scroll scroll scroll. Wait, did I sell it? I could have sworn it was listed as key items!
She gets kicked spilling the contents on to the ground.

'There it is!'
Cadence uses her swordwhip to grab it.
'Got it...what do I do with it?'

{Drop it.}
CPinkie punches her in the nose. Status:Stunned
{Ah, when I'm winning.}

DT aims TBDRLIATU only for CPinkie to pull Cadence as a shield.
{Ah ah ah.}

[Tch.]
CPinkie throws the helix shell at DT's forehead. Status: Stunned. CPinkie catches the shell after it ricocheted.

>Even for a final boss you're cheating hard.

{Yeah...yeah. Don't care hahaha! It's a corpse party!}

>Discord, if you want to help now's the time!

{As if that guy's willing to-}
She finds herself unable to move. She looks down and sees her legs turned into weights.
Discord appears in a tuxedo and top hat, wearing a white mask.

+Just waiting for you to ask.+

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Spitfire
"Sunset"
~~~~~

>....

"...Uh-"

>I think we missed something.

"Several somethings, it looked like."

>...We need a little watch or something. Just a little watch you talk into it and magically you can talk to anyone anywhere in the world. SO MANY PROBLEMS could be avoided if we just talked to each other over watches.

"You mean a cell-phone?"

>....I have no idea what that is.

"It's what you want."

>Then I want it. How does it work?

"...I uh... didn't get a chance to study them."

>...

"Sorry."

>Soooo-

"So we should probably find out why things are on fire and the broken robots, yeah."

>Seems important.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

OOCO
>AJ
"Celestia"
'SA'
~~~

>NGH!

"..."

>...EP!

"..."

>...SIT!

"But I wanna go out and have funnn!"

*KNOCK KNOCK!*

'Hey, Applejack? Can Celly come out and play?'

>Go away, Shiny! She's gotta do her paperwork!

'Awww, rats. We just got this cool new snowboard.'

"New snowboard!?"

>Sit down!

"But new snowboard!"

'It has rockets!'

"IT HAS ROCKETS!"

>SIT! DOWN!

"Awwwwww!"

'Well, rats. See you later, Tia!'

"...I hate you."

>Hush up and do yer' work.

"..."

>...then you can play.

"Hrmoph!"

>One more'a those and yer' doin' it all day!

"I'll be good!"

>...friggen princesses...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
"Applejack"
~~~

>...Huh.

"Now don't you be huhin' on me, what're ya' doin'?"

>I'm... confused.

"Well Spike, when little dragons start growin' up, sometimes they get themselves a little tingle in-"

>Not that... well acquainted with that, thank you.

"Regrettin' bringin' that up, and now Ah'm keen ta' change the subject. What's up?"

>It's just... do we have a legal division?

"...beggin' yer' pardon?"

>We need to uh... deal with any litigation coming from you know who, stompstompstomp, so we need our legal team preparing a case... but uhh... do we... have one?

"...Do we?"

>I was really hoping you'd tell me.

"Huh... Ah' dunno, can't recall any lawyers wanderin' around here, pretty sure Ah'd notice when mah skin started burnin'."

>Ha!... But seriously, we're a major political body in a large city, surely we have our own legal team, right?

"Ah' dunno, have ya' ever seen anyone try ta' sue a princess? How do ya' think that'd go?"

>..."Oh, it's illegal for me to poop in your bed? Well, bam! Retroactively legal!"

"Don't think it's that bad, but point."

>You never know, Celly gets crazy when she's hammered.

"She just finds Shiny and blargs on him."

>Like a bloodhound... sooo-

"So Ah' guess Ah' gotta ask Celly iffin' we gotta legal team."

>...Can I watch? I want to watch, I feel like this is going to be just.... great, to watch.

"...Get the camera."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Chrysalis
"42"
~~~

"Majesty, are you worried perhaps you are over reacting?"

>You look me in the face and say I'm underestimating their stupidity.

"...'

>That's what I thought.

"Still, shouldn't we be a little happy as to the benefit to our public image this gives?"

>Oh yeah, because THIS invasion we helped repel, this is the one that's going to help out. This is the one that's finally going to finally work. This one, the one wherein we fought tiny figurines who are piloting robots that even the guard could handle. Not the other robots, these ones.

"I fear you're being cynical, very unlike you."

>No, I'm plenty optimistic. In fact, I'm pretty sure we'll be finished repairing the stadium within a day or two, I've had 18 see to it and stop dragging her hooves. I'm optimistic they'll be out of the ballroom again very shortly.

"What if some of them want to stay this time?"

>Then they're idiots.

"...You seem intense today, my Queen."

>Just hitting me that every time I leave them alone for five fucking minutes, someone tries to blast them.

"I think you're exaggerating."

>Fine, four minutes, but like I said, I was being optimistic.

"...If you say so."

>...So what the fuck was up with that light show?

"What was up with that weird look you gave me?"

>...

"..."

>...Change the subject?

"The weather is quite nice today."

>That'a girl.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Various Canties
‘42’
“Chrysalis”


>Oh, Hey guys Look! It’s one of those bug people who helped save the city today!

“What the..”

>Hello ma’am!

The awkward and nervous looking stallion addressed 42.

>I just wanted to say thank you to all of you and yours for the help today!

‘…really?’

>…y-yes! Really! Me and my friends were trapped and those robot things were closing in! Oh boy I got so scared and then ZOOM! ZAP! BLAM! Robot parts everywhere and you guys whizzing by it was awesome! …Also kinda scary but …hey! Beats getting turned to robot chow amirite?

‘Robots do not eat’

>Hah! Yeah, I guess they don’t, but y’know…you get what I’m…what I’m saying right?

‘…’

“…”

>…R-right?

‘I believe I do understand yes. …Why are you talking to me and not my queen?’

>Q-queen? You have a…a queen? We only have a princ…well severa; princesses now but a queen! Well gee….

‘…’

“…”

>I-is the big one about to melt me with her mind?

‘I don’t believe so, she simply appears incredulous.’

>Oh thank goodness!

‘Also, that’s my queen’

>…oh crap

‘Also…you haven’t met many of us have you?’

>NOPE! Just kinda…ran away and tried to pretend you weren’t there until today. …Feel like a bit of a dick now.

‘…I see’

>…

“…”

‘…’

>SO! I got you something to say thanks! As it happens my family has a fair amount of coin, and I figure since ya’ll saved my life, and I’m the sole heir, that should be rewarded!

He produces a small black card.

>This here is a credit card with a VERY high limit on it. So go ahead and buy yourselves some nice stuff! Don’t worry about spending too much. They’ll cut you off if you hit the limit, which is WELL below my limit if you know what I’m saying? But still should be like…like just a bunch to you guys!

‘…because that’s not insulting’

>heh…s-sorry.I’m…I’m not good at this. Plus you are still kind of terrifying. Also great. But terrifying. Terrifying and great.

‘uh huh.’

“…”

>…

‘Will there be anything else?’

>NOPE! That’s all just…uh just wanted to say thanks! Bye!

The cantie scampers off.

“…”

‘…’

“…”

‘So about this not changing any-‘

“WHAT THE FUCK!?”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"Applejack"
'Spike'
~~~~

>...A what team?

"Theeere it is."

'Still rolling.'

>Applejack, of course we don't have a legal team, it would have been a massive waste of an expense to keep them on payroll when we get involved in legal matters we can't settle personally.. never. I literally cannot think of the last time that happened. You do remember that I wrote most of these, if not almost all of these, laws on the books, right? I can provide a better legal defense for any matters as good or far better than any lawyer could with comparatively less knowledge on the subject.

"...Huh."

'Crap, there goes me watching this whenever I feel down.'

>Really, what did you expect? Even if we never had one and I didn't know of any, I doubt it would be too hard to hire someone.

"...So, ya' got this?"

>Oh no, no no no, you are the one who let Pommel be captain of the guard and hired him, you get to deal with it when he shoots somebody with lasers.

"That ain't fair!"

>Okay. You are also the reason Chitania is currently inside Canterlot, you get to deal with it when she sues us.

"Oh come on, ya'll would've done the same thing!"

>Yes, I would have, and you were right to do it. I also would have accepted responsibility and tended to matters myself.

"...Bullshit."

>Have fun with your case, Applejack! I'll be rooting for you!

*She leaves*

"...rassa frassa..."

'This is not how I wanted this to go.'

"Keep that camera ready.'

'What? Why?'

"Ah' wanna see the look on her face when she realizes that iffin' we gotta pay out money, it's comin' outta the cake budget."

'...You're a cruel mare when you want to be.'

"Damn straight."

'...It's kinda hot.'

"..."

'...'

"..."

'...Sorry.'

"Don't be."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

OOCO
>SA
"Applejack"
'Celestia'
~~~~~
>Nnnnope.

"That better o' been a yes Ah' heard."

>N. O.

"Say it again? Couldn't hear ya' with mah hoof about ta' knock yer' teeth out."

>...Ponyville Wreckers are going DOWN in the hoofball matchup tomorrow.

"YA' TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW! YA' SHUT YER' LYIN' MOUTH, SHINY!"

>You see this? This right here? This ass shakey little jig? This is the ass shakey little jig I'm going to be doing when the Canterlot Crushers DESTROY them.

"TAKE IT BAAACK!"

>Shake shake shake!

'Applejack? Have you seen form Eighteen-B... well, that's an interesting sight to walk in on. Moving on to seducing Applejack now too, Shiny?'

"Pffft."

>I couldn't handle her.

"Dang stra-"

>Her terrible taste in hoofball teams I mean.

"UP YER' ASS, SHINY! THIS HOOF'S GOIN' UP YER ASS!"

'Save it for at least the honeymoon, Applejack. And make sure to use a lot of lube.'

"Tia, will ya' PLEASE help Shinin' see he's got the team pickin' skills of Chrysalis with brain damage?"

>Celly, please point out to Applejack that if she had any worst taste in teams, she would be licking her dogs droppings off the ground and declaring it can make it to the final four of the championships.

'...I don't watch hoofball, seems kind of dumb.'

>...

"..."

'...what?'

"...Okay, ya' ain't the worst pony in the room no more."

>I must agree, mutually. And would like to say that, so long as you aren't like that, you're not all bad.

"Can't agree more. Good game next week?"

>For the love of the game.

'...now kiss.'

>Mwah.

'I didn't mean me!'

>Oh, my silly, silly Celly... you're so cute when you're being ignorant.

'It is dumb! It's a dumb sport!'

"Shhhh, it's okay... ya' think we might have ta' turn her in?'

>Poor thing... so much life left to live...

'Screw both of you!'

SLAM!

"...But yer' totally goin' down, Canty."

>Bullshit, mud scraper.

"YA'LL TAKE THAT BACK!"

>NEVER!

"THAT'S IT, YER GOIN' DOWN!'

>BRING IT ONNNNNN!

ZIP BAFF POW!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Changeling
"Guard"
'???'
~~~~~

>Annnnd, COMING AT YOU LIVE! It's Fuzzy and the Buzz!

~Fuzzy and Buzz in the Morning, 97.1!~
~The best part of wakin' up!~

"Top o' the news today, Fawntaine has released a statement apologizing for the... for the..."

~We so sowwy!~

>...Fuzzy? Wha-... oh.

'...'

>...Hi, Majesty.

'...'

>...Can we finish this up first?

'Who the fuck are you even talking...'

>...

'...'

>...Coming up short again? Oh, Fuzzy!

~Oh youuuuuuu!~

"...Other news today, Chitania's... whatever she is, seems to be seeking some legal council for the boom boom!"

>I smell biiiiittsss!

~*Dinnerbell rings*~

"With the threat of legality, is Canterlot going to get crushed another way this time?"

~BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! She gives that DOUBLE BOOM!~

>But I'm pretty sure they won't be spending that night together.

"Or will she? Guess there's lots of ways to pay off a debt!"

~Ohhhh myyyyyyyyy~

>Keep telling that to your landlord, she might give you more than three bits next time!

"OHHHHHHHHH!"

~Gonna need bout Tree Fiddy.~

>We'll keep you updated as it comes, but that's all for today! Until next time, he's all Fuzzy-

"And he's got THE BUZZ! GOODNIGHT!"

>...Okay, now you can... Majesty?

"She wandered off, a bit ago mumbling something to herself."

>...

"...Is... is that good?"

>I don't... know...

"..."

>...Can't be any worse than the last mare that walked off mumbling when we were done!

"OOHHHHH! But seriously, save it for the show."

>Can't turn it off, Fuzz.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Luna"
'Cadence'
[DT]
{Cardboard Pinkie}
+Discord+
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and Discord saves!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj-Edr0k8TQ
Discord snaps his claws. The party no longer stunned. He switches to a referee outfit.
+My powers ought to negate hers, so the rpg rules aren't there any more. I want a good clean fight.+

Luna steps out of the safe. DT and Cadence get back up.
"Thou's time is up foul shadow!"

>Quick. Proud Pink Pattern!

'Right!'
Cadence stands proud with her wings out. Pinkie jumps on top of her back and DT on Pinkie's back.

"...you look ridiculous."

[You don't have to keep using P's you kn-]

'PRETTY PRISM ARROW!'

>PERFECT HEAD CANNON!

[Ugh...PLASMA PULSE CANNON!]

>Oh hey, you used P's too.

[Shut up!]
*KRSH BOOM FWISH*
All 3 attacks land on CPinkie.

{ARGH!}

>Give up! There's not going to be enough characters left in the post for you to attack!

{Heh...do your worst.}

>'[WITH PINK PLEASURE!]'

{Gah! Why did I say it?!}
They separate and perform a 3 prong attack. Cadence whips her, but sends a shock back. DT pops out a drill on a spider leg and charges her, but is grind to a halt with her drill horn. Pinkie plays a wicked guitar solo, but CPinkie plays a vicious banjo.

"Step aside!"
Luna flies in the air and the moon appears behind her.
"FULL MOON BEAM!"

{NOOOOOOOO}
She's overcome by a beaming moonlight and everything freezes. She smiles and hops out of the way.
{and the gecko casts off it's tail. Well, that was fun. Time to make my way on to an omake, be a full fledge character and get some more spotlight.}
She begins to make her way.

>STOP!
CPinkie turns around.

{Oh?}

Pinkie stares sternly at her.
>You're not the only one who knows how to get to the omakes.

CPinkie grins.
{Now the real party begins.}

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

OOCO
>AJ
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~~

'HAH!'

>Ah'm gonna make a damn jar fer' everytime ya'll say that.

"Hoping to fund Equestria within the week? A risky, but well favored move!"

'Pffft, I'd just steal the money from the jar when you weren't looking, I do it from Applejack's sock drawer all the time.'

>Ah' don't have a damn sock drawer.

'Well, you don't anymore... remind me to give that back to you, I get carried away sometimes.'

"Ha!"

>...

"Oh hush, I liked that one."

>It bugs me that ya'll keep takin' her side.

'Hah. Because bug. I so get it. As witty as I'm sure you're capable.'

"Hey, us tallies got to stick together. She's the only one who can relate to how hard it is to get shoes in my size."

'I just fwoosh them on.'

"...We are friends no longer."

'Really? It was that, no the fact nobody sells toothbrushes long enough for our muzzles?'

"...We are kin once more."

>Y'all flip flop like Cadence in a tannin' booth.

"...Please tell me she doesn't actually try to tan herself."

'All the time.'

"But she... she's covered in... she's..."

'...'

"...We are acquaintances once more."

>...what the heck were ya' laughin' at, again?

'Hm? Oh! So you'll never guess what Eighteen managed to stick in her mouth-'

>Pass.

'But it's really-'

>PASS AH' SAID GADDANG IT!

'...'

"Go onnnnn-"

>TIA!

"Spoilsport."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________