Pastebin Monday 9/23/19

Pastebin Monday 9/23/19

* Recently, i have been feeling really empty inside. I've just been really bored with life. I currently have no motivation to do anything or any hopes and dreams about the future. Im not traditionally sad like most people, but I dislike the idea of not being happy and that is what makes me sad. Im on a mission to fix this and in order to do this, i decided to keep track of my "journey" and improve myself. Decided to share this because I value the thoughts of my friends a lot. If you have any advice or find something interesting, please let me know.

*This will be like summaries and events of importance that happened each day of the week for me. At the end, I'll give like a little analysis and thoughts of what i've decided to do next.

Wednesday:
This was the first day I decided to begin keeping track of my life. It was also the first day i decided that I would take some time every day to go for some sort of outing or walk. Doing this because a friend who I very much enjoy also goes for walks every day. I don't know their reasoning but for me, i just like to move around and think/listen to music. I'm usually thinking about something similar to what im writing about. Just some deep thoughts. When I got home, I finished binge reading a light novel series I recently started. I've gotten really into fantasy media like anime or mangas. Don't know why I'm so into that recently. Its probably because I long for some sort of adventure and magical experiences like those seen in whatever stories I read. Unfortunately in my current reality, I can't go on grand adventures. I played games with friends and also reunited with friends from school after the summer break. Had a good time hanging out with everybody. As I was about to sleep, I could help but notice even though I had a good time, throughout the whole day, I still had a feeling of emptiness under everything. I use emptiness as a filler word because honestly, I can't explain it but its not nice. By coincidence, I had another friend who I had not spoke to in a while text me. It was a nice surprise and turned my frown upside down. I'll take this as some sort of sign and keep working on improving myself. Went to sleep happy.

Thursday:
I had trouble falling asleep but i got up early for the first day of class. Nothing much happened during the classes but one thing the professor said to me, sparked some deeper thoughts. It was about the idea of being proud of your work. This troubles me. Everything I've ever been proud whether it being good at a game, or a sport back when I played, they just don't matter. Take speedrunning for example. Sure I got the best time but so what. Everything that I've ever been proud of doing doesn't give me any benefit in my life. I get no money and these things are so niche that I can't even share my happiness with many people. I don't think it's possible for me to be proud of something that is "mainstream" I have a hard time with being proud of doing something that I don't enjoy. I end up not being happy that I've done something, and instead I am happy that it's done. Currently in search for a passion that is widely accepted in the current world so I can end up being happy and successful. More games with friends before i slept.

Friday:
I have a feeling this will be my most troubling day of the week going forward. I have no classes on this day i have the option to just lounge around. I took an extra long walk around town today. Its rough because, i'm up to date on my book series until saturdays. I currently have no other hobbies or leisure activities to do. Don't really know what will happen in the future if I don't have things to do. What I'm scared of is i end up believe that it's is better to do something I don't enjoy, than to do nothing at all. I don't like this because it feels like giving up on my happiness. It's also similar to like the traditional life cycle of people. Go to school for 20 years, then work for the rest of your life. Not appealing to me at all, mostly because I still lack an enjoyable way of making money. Anyways, more about the day itself. My biggest problem on this day going forward is that i have nothing to do during the day, and too much to do during night when all my friends are free. First priority is something to do during the day. Maybe i try to do some sort of content creation about a game that i like. I'm passionate about it and there are a lot of people that can get by doing that. More thoughts for another day tho. Went to sleep feeling average.

Saturday:
Saturdays are pretty good because I get guaranteed friend time. I go and play smash with kids from school. Although I'm still unsure about playing in tournaments, its nice to see them again. I ended up forgetting that my parents were coming down to visit today. We celebrated my birthday coming up soon. Honestly my relationship has not been great recently and has maybe led to the last year being top 2 worst years of my life. It was nothing to bad but if you have talked to me deeply about my ideas about happiness, you'll know that not to bad is still bad for me. 99/100 times my family and I are great together. I feel like we just had an unlucky streak where the 1 time we butt heads with each other happened again and again. I doubt it will happen again though because i'm getting better. My time together ended up being really great. And i had some ice-cream which was cool. gotta enjoy the little things. Played more games with friends and slept.

Sunday:
So today I tried to set aside my longing for adventure aside and do some real world work. I set aside maybe 6 hours of doing school work. I got nothing done and wasted 6 hours. This reminds me the the "proud of your work" idea from earlier this week. I do not enjoy reading and writing for school. I feel it takes me twice as long as it should to get anything done. It's just rough lol. I'm raging. wasting time is my biggest pet peeve and i did just that. One problem I have with traditional "work" is that I can't do it and have fun with friends at the same time. its just inefficient in terms of time and I have to much to do. After taking a break and playing with friends for a bit, i was able to do a bit of school work before I go to sleep.As I reflect on this day, i feel like I already see improvement in my mentality. What started as empty and sad has quickly become happy and angry. While angry might not normally be seen as good, I am a fan. I think it's funny for people to be angry so it gives me a bit of a boost. Will actually try and do school work tomorrow.

My thoughts about this week and the next:
It seemed like a stroke of luck but my level of happiness is much higher than what it was just a week ago. A lot of things happened that I didn't plan on and Im very glad they happened. Things like randomly reconnecting with a friend, or getting a new group of friends were a big boost. As far as happiness goes i feel im back on top, but i would like to reach a higher plateau. From a more realist point of view, I need to figure out something for the future. I feel like I have 4 requirements to live that take up time in a day. Those are sleep, work, health, and happiness. For me right now I don't think its possible to have all 4 at the same time. The problem is, none of these 4 mix with each other for me. Optimally, it you could use never work thats fine but thats unrealistic for me. Hopefully I can find something that helps me survive in the real world and makes me happy at the same time. Im about to be 21 and that signals to me pretty much the end of childhood. I am trying my best to keep the sort of childlike sense of wonder and naivety that i feel you must abandon to become a normal adult now. Anyways, goals for next week is continue being happy. Also find a new hobby that can fill more time which should also improve my happiness levels to new peaks. Whether i want to go deeper into anime land or do something with speedrunning again.