notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 10

Sep 1st, 2014
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  1. IN THE LAST EPISODE OF "WHY CAN'T I END IT ALL YET?", by Andre the Kraut:
  2. John, a young computer programmer, who learned everything he know from his dad who is both dead and didn't work with computers, creates artificial intelligence (likely to compensate for his lack of any form of intelligence), but it goes rouge and starts a nuclear war with itself and humanity dies out. John never realises that he caused the apocalypse, even when he's explicitly told that it was his fault. Right before the missiles nuke him, he's teleported to Horseland.
  3. John, our lovable protagonist, now a human in Equestria, fought some pointless edgy shit that didn't make sense and fucked DASHII (or whatever the fuck he calls RD). Then a US International (make of that what you will) Agent, Steve, who was a time-travelling shape-shifting evil pegasus Royal Guard, tried to kill him. John and Steve meet, and Steve tells John that John's dad once betrayed Steve when they were fighter pilots, therefore Steve apparently killed John's dad at some unknown time, and is for some reason now set on killing John. John, who is Andre's self-insert, kills Steve, and lives happily ever after, forever fucking DASHII. However, in a shocking turn of events, it turns out that Steve wasn't dead (just like the two other times John "killed" him), and has escaped from the morgue. Then Andre, the author, basically said "lel no", and declared the story over. There is somehow 20 chapters left
  4.  
  5. I think that is all. Riff comes soon
  6.  
  7.  
  8.  
  9. >Part 21: Back In Time
  10. And we're here again. Chapter 21. 2000 fresh new words of Andre-prose for the Andre-verse.
  11.  
  12. >Author's Note:
  13. >OK guys, hello and welcome back.
  14. The pleasure isn't mutual.
  15.  
  16. >First I wanted to end this story but so many people asked for a cotinine of it.
  17. Finally, Andre and I agreed on something. This could have been it, it could all have been over now, but now we're stuck with 20 more chapters, thanks to some shitheads with horrible taste.
  18.  
  19. >Some of you guys asked me to write about Steve Connor and how he arrived in Equestria.
  20. Well, as far as I know, only one guy requested the backstory of what might be the least interesting character I've ever stumbled upon in all my days of reading shitty fanfiction. That guy's name is New Spark, and is one of Andre's biggest fans.
  21.  
  22. >The first two Chapters will tell you something about his life as a pilot and agent the next one how he arrived in Equestria.
  23. Not more. It's already so boring.
  24.  
  25. >I have some specials too. I will release a chapter with the Rainbow Factory and other stuff.
  26. OH BOY. Clearly, Andre had to make a tribute to a shitty fic by writing a likely even shittier tribute crossover chapter.
  27.  
  28. >And a connection between these chapters and the other one.
  29. Yup, Ranbow Factory is canon in the Andre-verse. Where the love interest is RD. This is bound to go well.
  30.  
  31.  
  32.  
  33. Well, onwards to the actual chapter:
  34.  
  35. >Roswell 12th August 2025:
  36. Remember when this fic was about ponies?
  37.  
  38. >Steve Connor, "Black Horc leader this is Alpha 12-147 we see the target in front of us. Targets locked. Ready to engage."
  39. I can't decide if that's supposed to be "Black Hawk", "Black Horse" or "Black Orc". Anyway, none of those are fighter planes.
  40.  
  41. >Robert Price said, "Ok Steve come on let´s send this assholes to the hell."
  42. If only Robert had died sooner, he wouldn't have had the chance to sire an abomination.
  43.  
  44. >pic related
  45. That's clearly a A-10 "Warthog" Thunderbolt II. I would think that they would have been retired by 2025.
  46.  
  47. >It began, this could end the Cyber War, forever. The enemy was in superior number. But I don't mind. I shoot everyone into million pieces if it needs to be.
  48. Oh, so there's a Cyber War now. Against Libya. Funny how that has never been mentioned. At all.
  49.  
  50. >Robert said to Steve, "Look behind you there is one of this fucking drones."
  51. The US is fighting against drones. Huh.
  52.  
  53. >*Firing bullets.*
  54. Why do writers do this? Why do they think people would read this? It's incredibly lazy, not fun to read, and has no place in proper prose.
  55.  
  56.  
  57.  
  58. >Steve shoot one of his missile. FFFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHH BUUUUUUUUUUM!
  59. The sound effects make it really immersive.
  60.  
  61. >Robert wave from the other site, "Nice shot dude. Come on let´s kick them in their ass and fly home again."
  62. Drone asses. I'm sure there's porn of that.
  63.  
  64. >Alex said, "Hey guys not so fast, first we have to complete this mission."
  65. Who the fuck is Alex? What is even their mission? Is it anything beyond shooting drones?
  66.  
  67. >It was a hard fight, the sky was full of fighting jets on the ground run soldiers of the US Army and tried to capture the enemy base. Explosions everywhere.
  68. This is the ultimate example of telling instead of showing
  69.  
  70. >pic related
  71. This is from Terminator Salvation. Which is appropriate.
  72.  
  73. >Steve cursed, "Man go to hell! Damn Russians!"
  74. Yes. The Libyan Russians
  75.  
  76. >Steve asked Robert for help, "Robert I need your help here this sun of a bitch, he don't let me go."
  77. The word is "son". How did you manage to misspell "son"? Especially when you used Google Translate. How?
  78.  
  79. >Robert answered, "Steve I can´t I have the same problem like you."
  80. >Steve said, "Yes I see but listen I have an idea move to the left site maybe I can catch your hunter."
  81. It's just like real aerial combat!
  82.  
  83. >Robert answered, "No man that wont work."
  84. >Steve said and become louder, "Please try it, believe me I have a good plan."
  85. >Robert become angry, "No dude I can´t you have to handle it themselves."
  86. This dialogue is important. This is the real reason Steve hates John
  87.  
  88.  
  89.  
  90. >Steve was shocked what he said. He left the battle ground.
  91. "Screw winning the war, because my buddy won't listen to my stupid ideas. I'm flying home."
  92.  
  93. >Steve left the battleground. The Russian fighter was still behind him.
  94. We went from Lybia and drones to Russian fighters in a few paragraphs. Andre likely had another stroke while writing and forgot what he was writing about.
  95.  
  96. >Steve flew through some mountains, it was tight, but he have to try everything to stop his enemy.
  97. The density of granite is about 2.6 g/cm^3, so there's no wonder he though it was tight.
  98.  
  99. >Steve shouted loud, "WUUUUUUUUUUUUHAAAAAAAA!" The Russian pilot shot one missle on a rock. The rock felt down. Steve flew through the small hole.
  100. What is this, a fucking Trench Run?
  101.  
  102. >Steve turned on of his buttons, a kind of parachute come out on the das of his plane. Then his settle shot out of the jet with him. The jet crashed to the wall of the mountain.
  103. Andre has been watching too many action movies.
  104.  
  105. >The Russian pilot shocked. He tried to move but his jet crashed to the ground but the jet didn't explode.
  106. For the first time in 20 chapters, something doesn't explode.
  107.  
  108.  
  109.  
  110. >John went to the enemies jet which lay down on the ground and smoked. Then he opened the cockpit of the pilot.
  111. Time to care for the wounded Russian, build a relationship with him, and in turn understand that Americans and Russians aren't that different, and that the important thing is being human.
  112.  
  113. >Steve shouted again, "Ah here you are you fucking TV head." and hit the Russian pilot with his pistol on an edge.
  114. Good thing those pesky Geneva Conventions aren't there to stop him.
  115. Besides, what the fuck does "TV head" mean?
  116.  
  117. >The pilot was dead, immediately.
  118. American 1 - Russia 0
  119.  
  120. >Steve starts talking, "Welcome to America TV-head. Hey this could be my free weekend but NOOO you and your friends have to come here and tried to play the hero. AND YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I HAVNT GOT MY FREE WEEKEND. AAAAAH YOU STINK." and hit him with his knee on his head. "HEY DUDE IF I HAVE A NEW AIRCRAFT I SHOOT YOUR FRIENDS TO THE MOON. YES DID YOU HEAR ME TO THE MOOOOOON YEA!!"
  121. >I have no further comment.
  122.  
  123. >Suddenly, Steve heard sound. It sounded like cars? He stood up. OH MY GOD! It was the Russian army.
  124. >Some Russian soldiers with their AK-12 got off their cars and hold his weapons on Steve.
  125. "Who is of televison face now, capitalist dog?"
  126.  
  127. >One Month later: U.S-Air force ship "Destroyer" pacific ocean:
  128. >*Voices everywhere*
  129. I'm getting more and more sure that this is all ripped from some movies Andre has watched.
  130.  
  131.  
  132.  
  133. >General Thomas, "And you are absolutely sure he is still there? You know we can´t do this operation so easy."
  134. >Steve said, "Sir I am absolutely sure he is still there. He is still alive, I know it. The Russian try to get some information about our drone system.
  135. But Steve was captured by the Russians.
  136.  
  137. >Steve answered, "Sir my respect, I am sure he wont tell something. He would rather dying as to tell these idiots about our technology."
  138. I am confused. Why is Steve here? Would a fighter pilot even really know anything about drone tech?
  139.  
  140. >The general answered, "Ok Robert, you and your team have 24 hours to take him back, if the time is over you and your team will come back immediately!"
  141. >Steve said determined, "Sir I promise we will back in 24 hours again and I promise, I will bring back Steve ... ALIVE!"
  142. I think Andre just forgot the name of his characters. This can't be Steve. It makes no sense.
  143.  
  144. >It was a dark and rainy night. The pilots got on their position. They sent a airplane. On the airplane were 10 soldiers amored to the teeth. Robert wasn't nervous but he looked at his necklace. There was a picture of him and John.
  145. Steve is Roberts now. And John. More John. Always John.
  146.  
  147. >Robert shouted, "OK LETS GO LETS GO EVERYBODY GO OUT NOW!"
  148. "AND BY GO OUT I ACTUALLY MEAN JUMP BECAUSE WE'RE ON A FUCKING PLANE".
  149.  
  150. >pic related
  151. "It was a dark and rainy night".
  152.  
  153. >They landed.
  154. Andre is nothing if not a master of minimalism.
  155.  
  156.  
  157.  
  158. >They walked through a small dark cave. It looked like an old bunker.
  159. It likely is.
  160.  
  161. >pic related
  162. Have I mentioned how incredibly appropriate anything that has to do with Terminator and John Connor is? Because it's got to be intentional at this point.
  163.  
  164. >Suddenly the security system starts shooting. One, two, three, four, man fallen ... Russian soldiers appeared.
  165. Wouldn't it have been crazy if Andre had written actions scenes that were't always combat?
  166.  
  167. >*Fire* *Explosions*
  168. *Laziness*
  169.  
  170. >Finally. They arrived the cell block. The Russians followed them. Robert founded Steve´s cell. He was still alive. Thank goodness!
  171. Yeah, what would this fic be without Steve? Except better?
  172.  
  173. >Steve lied on the ground. He was weak and his body was full of scrapes.
  174. Only scrapes? Sound like the Russians were nice to him then.
  175.  
  176. >Robert was surprised about his reaction. Finally the other two soldiers died. Only Robert and Steve. They fight their way outside.
  177. "Finally all my fellow soldiers died. I'm a hero, so it wouldn't look good if anyone else survived such a dangerous mission."
  178.  
  179. >Steve said to Robert, "We have to take this jets, we have to fly or we will die here!"
  180. But there's a plane waiting for them.
  181.  
  182. >Robert said, "Steve you cant fly you are in a catastrophe fettle.
  183. I don't even know what that means.
  184.  
  185. >The two pilots went to the Russian fighters. The moved inside. Starts the jet. The Russians still followed them.
  186. Is it really that easy to hijack a jet fighter?
  187.  
  188.  
  189.  
  190. >Steve starts talking, "Robert why didn't you help me?"
  191. Because you ran away from the battlefield.
  192.  
  193. >Steve said with an angry voice, "Yes you could but no you wanted to play the hero again, to show everyone how good you are."
  194. But you ran away from the battlefield.
  195.  
  196. >Steve answered, "Sorry Robert but you disappointed me, you deserted me!"
  197. No. You ran away from the battlefield.
  198.  
  199. >Robert said, "Ey dude that's not true if I did that I wouldn't be here".
  200. >The computer of Steve jets said, "Target looked!"
  201. >Robert shouted, "You damn asshole I have a family."
  202. Oh think about poor John!
  203.  
  204. >pic related
  205. So Steve, who has been the antagonist for the majority of the fic, is after John because John's father didn't follow Steve when he left the battlefield. And even though he came back to save him at the cost of the life of nine fellow soldiers, Steve still think's Robert was the deserter.
  206. Truly a great plot.
  207.  
  208. >BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM. Robert was dead.
  209. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMB
  210.  
  211. >An Officer said, "Sir enemy aircraft detected!"
  212. >The officer answered, "A Russian aircraft sir!"
  213. >The commander took the phone and asked, "Who is there?"
  214. Yes, this is accurate. It's common, whenever enemy planes are inbound, for commanders to call the planes on their phone to ask who the enemy are.
  215.  
  216.  
  217.  
  218.  
  219. >Steve call back, "It´s me Steve Connor, I got rescued by the team who the air force sent."
  220. "Yes, it is of me, Comrade Connor. Please do not of intercept me as I of flyings armed Russian jet into capitalist base".
  221.  
  222. >Steve answered, "Dead sir, they are all dead. Robert gave his life for mine."
  223. That doesn't sound suspicious at all!
  224.  
  225. >The commander answered, "Ok you can land on deck C."
  226. What's the worst thing that could happen?
  227.  
  228. >Steve said to himself: "I know it was the right decision. The US Air Force don't need traitors, like Robert Price."
  229. Well this chapter was beyond stupid. And the next one is also dedicated to Steve. And only Steve. I'll save that for later though, I'm done for now.
  230.  
  231. Christ, this is just as shit as I remember it being.
  232.  
  233.  
  234.  
  235. >Part 22: Time Travle
  236. Oh, we're in for so much fun... yey... kill me.
  237.  
  238. >Ok now I work for the U.S government.
  239. I swear, Andre keeps changing his mode of narration for just about every fucking chapter.
  240.  
  241. >You ask why?
  242. I'm not asking "why", because I know the explanation won't make any sense.
  243.  
  244. >I was in prison for four weeks in Russian hands.
  245. Which, everything taken into account, isn't such a long time.
  246.  
  247. >I love it to fly but after this mission in Roswell, no thanks.
  248. Roswell? Has this even been mentioned before? I thought you guys were fighting Cyber-Russians in Cyber-Libya?
  249. Oh, I went back and checked, and the events of chapter 21 are first said to be in Libya, then in Roswell, and then in Libya again. I think.
  250.  
  251. >I worked since 2025 for the government now.
  252. The exact same year you were taken prisoner.
  253.  
  254. >I saw a lot of crazy stuff, Blackbird, U2-jet, spaceships, Area 51 but what I seen on my last travel the other stuff were nothing against this.
  255. Just another regular day at the office for a government agent, right? And I really love how a Blackbird and a U2 are somehow mentioned as "equals" to seeing an actual spaceship. I mean, those aren't really all that mythical and mystical.
  256.  
  257.  
  258.  
  259. >I heard two other CIA Agents talking about "Time Portals?" Ok that was really crazy.
  260. Typical CIA water-cooler talk.
  261.  
  262. >Steve asked, "Hey Michael, have you ever heard about this time portals?"
  263. "Hmm, this sounds like a top-secret black project, and I don't have the access to any info about this close guarded secret... Better ask Michael."
  264.  
  265. >Michael answered, "Yes ehm in New York near a computer company is one of them I think.
  266. HOW CONVENIENT
  267.  
  268. >Michael answered, "See there is a weird kind of "special force."
  269. >Michael explained, "Look at my tablet do you see this, this is a normal magnet field 100%, but there, on this pony statue the field power is over 200%. I don't know how we can open it but I think we couldn't do that.
  270. According to Andre-science, which is superior to regular science, this is exactly how time portals work.
  271.  
  272. >Michaels said, "Yes because the general told us something about a computer problem."
  273. Either, the problem is John's major fuckup, or the general has just forgotten how to close Outlook.
  274.  
  275. >I went to the statue and saw, it is ... shining.
  276. There is a physics-defying, shining pony statue in New York, yet no one knows about it.
  277.  
  278. >I went closer and suddenly, it pulled me inside.
  279. Drama, with great detail and brilliant execution of this touching moment! Anyway, the statue also eats people. But then again, nobody cares
  280.  
  281.  
  282.  
  283. >"Damn what the...? New York got smaller?
  284. A known side effect of statue-fondling.
  285.  
  286. >I looked at my clock. 23th April 1900?
  287. Clocks don't really work that way. I mean, no other part of you or your clothing has changed in any way, yet your clock is affected by time travel? Steve seems to be "outside of time", completely unaffected by it. Also, Steve apparently has to travel 125 years back in time... to then travel forwards in time.... for some reason.
  288. It's almost like you have to go back... to the future.
  289.  
  290. >Ok wow I travelled back to the past
  291. Steve seems really calm about this.
  292.  
  293. >People with their hat, that looked so funny.
  294. Pretty much summed up the entire Gilded Age and the birth of the Progressive Era of American history right there.
  295.  
  296. >Suddenly I saw all the beautiful things of New York on the last hundred years. He saw that all on a flat screen on the time square.
  297. First of all, this has narrative mode inconsistency. It's also retarded. Which I guess is a bit more important.
  298.  
  299. >1920: The first cars.
  300. So travel into the past is instant, but travel into the future isn't?
  301.  
  302. >1938: Start of World War II
  303. >1945: End of World War II
  304. Yeah, let's just skip WWI. They didn't make a CoD game about it, so Andre doesn't know anything about it.
  305.  
  306.  
  307.  
  308. >1948: Rebuilt of New York City after the World War.
  309. Yeah, I'm not American, but I'm pretty sure this didn't happen.
  310.  
  311. >1960: More and more new cars. American Way Of Live.
  312. I'm glad to see Andre still can't write simple sentence without fucking something up.
  313.  
  314. >1970: More skyscrapers...
  315. >1980: More skyscrapers...
  316. >1981: The next skyscraper, BUM
  317. >1982: The next one BUM
  318. I'm so immersed right now.
  319.  
  320. >2001: 11th September. The destroying of the World Trade Center.
  321. Remember when Andre kept wanking over 9/11? I miss those early chapters.
  322.  
  323. >2002: Attack of the Americans.
  324. Well, the War in Afghanistan started in 2001, and the War in Iraq started in 2003. Unless Andre is talking about Operation Enduring Freedom in the Philippines, I don't really know what he means.
  325.  
  326. >2004: Hurricane Catrina.
  327. Which was in 2005. And it's K, not C.
  328.  
  329. >2008: The first IPhone, and TV with HD released.
  330. The iPhone came in 2007.
  331.  
  332. >2014: Russia capture the Grimm.
  333. Like Philadelphia, Russia really loves German folklore.
  334. "Grimm's equestria: Untold Stories" x "Where am I? Who am I?" Crossover confirmed?
  335.  
  336. >2020: The first eclectic cars released. New Skyscrapers again.
  337. Yeah, because electric cars totally aren't a thing right now, right?
  338.  
  339. >2025: Cyber war between USA and Russia
  340. It also ended in 2025.
  341.  
  342.  
  343.  
  344. >BUUUUUUUUM He stopped.
  345. I want Andre to do a audiobook reading of his fic. I want to listen to his squeaky kraut voice as he mispronounces all the words. I want to listen to him get really excited, and act out all these stupid fucking sound effects that he insist on adding.
  346.  
  347. >Suddenly a military transporter hold in front of Steve.
  348. >One soldier asked, "Sir, sir where is your evacuation centre?"
  349. Is it time for the Johnpocalypse?
  350.  
  351. >One of them said do Steve, "Sir, please stand back ok, then nothing will happen to you."
  352. Steve hasn't even moved in 130 years.
  353.  
  354. >The sergeant said, "Ok don't let them on our food, this food for the base, defend it!"
  355. "Quick, aim at those totally passive, non-rioting civilians."
  356.  
  357. >They opened the fire. Steve was shocked. He saw the people who started to attack the military van for the food. They run on it like ... zombies.
  358. "CoD Zombies" x "Wai-Wai" crossover confirmed?
  359.  
  360. >Another man tied his child a scar around his eyes.
  361. That lacking "f" really gives this sentence a different tone.
  362.  
  363.  
  364.  
  365. >Then the father moved to a man who tried to rob out some food. The father aimed the pistol on him killed him and took the food and escaped with his sun, which still hold his hands on his ears and sing his song, but the boy had tears in his eyes, he knew what his father did.
  366. Despite the likelihood that Andre stole this from a movie, the base idea behind this scene, dark as it is, isn't that horrible. He's still a shitty author though.
  367.  
  368. >THE HELL HAS COME TO EARTH!
  369. Yeah, this seems more like something Andre would write.
  370.  
  371. >Steve shouted, "Hey hey what happen here?"
  372. >The sergeant said, "Are you living under the rocks? The bombs come on!"
  373. In the early chapters, it took mere minutes for the nuclear missiles to reach NY. Now they have time for an actual evacuation.
  374.  
  375. >*Earthquake*
  376. *Cringe*
  377.  
  378. >Steve run away.
  379. >One of the soldier shouted, "HEY COME BACK!"
  380. "COME BACK SO WE CAN SHOOT YOU IN SELF DEFENCE!"
  381.  
  382. >Steve run back to the portal. An earthquake again. He hit his head to the edge.
  383. The edge of the earthquake? The edge of the plot? The edge of Andre's attitude?
  384.  
  385.  
  386.  
  387. >The clocked run and run. His mobile phone showed the craziest years. 3518 7867 8922 12549 26424 63547 78635 95641 104383 113126 116.348.
  388. Wait wait wait. I know that Equestria is supposed to be post-apocalyptic Earth, but is it really supposed to be Earth... 3.5*10^51 years in the future? 3.5 sexdecillion years? It's pretty safe to assume that either Andre made a mistake, or that he really is stupid enough to believe that there could be life on Earth in 3.5 sexdecillion years.
  389.  
  390. >On his travel he saw how the world changed. First it was dark, The town New York lay in ashes. Then a dessert appeared, then the first grass appeared, with the grass the first bushes, tress, the whole area changed, mountains appeared, new rivers, then an ice age, after the ice age the grass appeared again, bushes, trees... building, small houses, then his travel stopped immediately. He felt asleep.
  391. Oh god, he actually means it.
  392.  
  393. Well, that was chapter 22. Just when I thought this couldn't get any more stupid, Andre goes ahead an surprises me yet again. I don't even know what so say. I have no funny comments that can top this.
  394.  
  395. Please send help.
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