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Eppy

Historically Horsing Around (One Shot)

Sep 24th, 2014
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  1. >Day Curator on Earth
  2. >Be Noteworthy
  3. >You are at the Museum of Human History in New York City
  4. >It is a grand sort of structure built by ponies for ponies to learn a brief history of the various exploits in the strange human world
  5. >With Anon away in Equestria, you decide you might as well do something to keep from going mad
  6. >The museum is always free as far as admission goes, but you still drop a few human dollars at the window
  7. >Helping the cause is just the right thing to do, you think
  8. >Stepping inside, you are surrounded by wondrous technologies and any number of exhibits
  9. >The ceiling seems to go forever as you stare upward to the skylights
  10. "What a scoop!"
  11. >You pull out your notepad and begin jotting down things you see
  12. >The odd sketch fills out the corners nicely as you begin to move about the nearest things
  13. >You pass a section reserved for human law enforcement and see a few interesting items used by the guards on Earth
  14. >Anonymous calls them, "Police" sometimes, but usually adds other adjectives depending on if he is driving
  15. >Shrugging, you go to the simple box he was standing by and read the sign
  16. "Police telephone... Free for use of public... Hmm."
  17. >You are instantly bored of this whole section and wander off to find something more interesting
  18. >Before too long, you come across a distinguished looking pony in an oversized, frumpy jacket
  19. >Patches of grey mane crop around the better part of his head and a horn shines lightly at the center
  20. >A large group of pony tourists carefully trot a few metres behind him
  21. >"And here we see the earliest examples of humanity."
  22. >You listen in and wander slowly towards the onlookers
  23. >"Humans, also known as Homo sapiens, are believed by some to have evolved from prehistoric ape-like creatures."
  24. >The curator flashes a sly smile and illuminates a box with a few skeletal remains inside
  25. >They look not unlike the anatomical drawings in Anon's text books
  26. >"As you can see, humans have slowly been standing up for years in the process known as evolution. Our biologists imagine that humans stood up straight to reach the high cabinets where cookies and snacks are generally located."
  27. >The audience nod to each other and you hear chatter between members
  28. >It seems strange that humans wanted to stand up so badly
  29. >Personally, you find all fours to be rather comfortable!
  30. >"Now, if you would kindly follow me this way..."
  31. >The curator leads your group towards another section where humans can be seen wearing crude clothing and carrying simple weapons
  32. >"... Here we have very early humans in simple humanistic homes. As you can see, this was before the invention of the door; humankinds greatest achievement for keeping the draft out."
  33. >Again, the crowd gawks and gasps, but you think it is a little strange
  34. >Did humans really invent doors for that reason?
  35. >You shake your head, but continue taking notes
  36. >A picture hangs on a wall near the exit of a group of humans hunting some kind of fuzzy elephant
  37. >"Humans often would hunt in groups to dominate prey much larger than themselves. This is known as, 'Carpooling'."
  38. >The curator smiles and coolly turns towards the next exhibit
  39. >You are sure Anon has talked about 'carpooling' before
  40. >Furthermore, you do not remember him talking about having to kill any elephants
  41. >You begin to scrutinize the curator as you follow behind the group
  42. >Heading to an increasingly modern section, you notice a lot of technologic wonders
  43. >The first stop your group makes is at a horse-drawn carriage
  44. >Human horses are towering, imposing, and slightly stupid looking when tethered to a cart
  45. >You sketch one as best you can before the guide begins
  46. >"Horses were once the only means for humans to travel quickly. Horses have grown close to humans over the centuries and will still carry them with minimal coaxing."
  47. >You raise your hoof for the first time to ask something you remember Anon saying
  48. "S'cuse me, Sir! I have a question."
  49. >"Eh, um, yes?"
  50. "Right, so, firstly, my name's Noteworthy. Hello! Hi!"
  51. >You wave cheerfully to the crowd now looking your way
  52. "A human friend of mine once said you could lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it. Does that have some significant meaning?"
  53. >The curator looks dumbfounded for the moment before the eyes of his group turn to him
  54. >"Oh, um, yes, well, it does! Ahem... That saying is an old human expression. It is of little known fact that horses from Earth do not really care for water and would rather have carbonated beverages."
  55. >He smiles tensely for the moment before the crowd begins to murmur
  56. >A sigh of relief slips from his mouth as the group seems to praise his knowledge
  57. >While you are not sure if this pony is being genuine, you cannot argue about how delicious soda is
  58. >You add this to your notes before giving in
  59. >The curator seems to tread carefully now as he moves from exhibits with your group in tow
  60. >He stops before a magnificent locomotive and you stare in awe for the moment
  61. >Unlike the train back home, this beauty is easily twice as tall and painted with gold, brass, and jet
  62. >"This is a later model steam engine. A pride to humans even today! Much like the trains in Equestria, this machine is driven by a conductor and powered by simply burning depleted gemstones."
  63. >You wonder how many ponies could fit on such a massive train before working on a few notes
  64. >Moving along, you find yourself before a few contraptions humans dabble in for crude flight
  65. >"The aeroplane was humanities first attempt to control the weather, much like how pegasi are tasked with in Equestria. The Wright brothers, named such for being right about flying, were the first humans to actually fly without personal wings."
  66. >You nod to this as you draw a sketch of the plane
  67. >Straight features should make it easier to sketch, but something about the wings throw you off
  68. >The curator leads you along a hallway of other plane designs until you reach a model you have seen in real life
  69. >"This plane is one of the latest and greatest achievements in human transport. While they have still not solved their weather dilemma, humans have found a way to carry a lot of other humans long distances around the Earth."
  70. >You think about how loud and scary your one and only flight with Anonymous was and shudder lightly
  71. >Jet engine aeroplanes are no place for honest, ground-dwelling ponies!
  72. >The group and curator tour onward for a bit while you continue trying to sketch the wings just right
  73. >It takes part of forever, but you come to a point were you are pleased
  74. >A guard passes you by in a hurry and nearly knocks you over
  75. >"Sorry, miss!"
  76. "No worries!"
  77. >Dusting yourself off, you see a few more guards searching about for something
  78. >A story hangs in the air and your notepad is ready
  79. "Hey! Hello! Noteworthy, columnist and diplomatic liaison for the Equestrian press. Can I get a few words on what's going on?"
  80. >You look inquisitively at the guard checking behind the train exhibit
  81. >He turns back to you with a grumpy face
  82. >"Now is not the time! We're on the lookout for a missing coat!"
  83. "'Coat' you say? What does this coat look like?"
  84. >"Human sized army regalia that a leader would wear. Somep0ny stole it from the Coats of Constantinople exhibit!"
  85. "Oh my, sounds expensive! Hmm, I think I've seen a coat like that today!"
  86. >The other guards seem to hear you and all three rush to your position
  87. >"Where'd you see it, ma'am?"
  88. "The curator was wearing a very similar style jacket. Um, I think he was heading towards the space exhibit with a group on tour."
  89. >The three guards look between each other before a gruff looking mare pins her ears back
  90. >"We don't have a curator on staff..."
  91. >You shrug quickly
  92. "Then who's giving the tour of the museum?"
  93. >The four of you dash off as you try to piece together what is happening
  94. >It does not take long to find the sizable group and the questionable curator standing before a replica of spaceship
  95. >While you have heard all about traveling in space from pony astro-diviners, humans have different ideas
  96. >Without proper horns on their heads, humans cannot simple wrap themselves in atmosphere and travel among the stars and planets
  97. >In fact, they cannot even control their own stars and planets!
  98. >The curator's voice rises above the mumbling crowd
  99. >"This is a replica of a human spaceship. Truly a testament to their skills in engineering!"
  100. >'Ooh's and 'ahs' ring out at the curator makes wide, sweeping motions before the behemoth
  101. >"Yes, spectacular indeed. It was used to once punish two infamous humans named Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. While the records do not speak of exactly what crime they committed to be banished to the moon, rumours say that the people of Earth everywhere celebrated their imprisonment."
  102. >You are a bit awed by this revelation having never thought humans could carry out punishment like Celestia could
  103. >Before you have a chance to ask a question, the three guards rush the curator and tackle him to the floor
  104. >A struggle breaks out across the floor before the jacket is recovered and the curator is restrained
  105. >One male guard stands triumphantly over the downed pony before turning to speak with the crowd
  106. >"Very sorry, eveyp0ny, but you have all been following the ramblings of a fake."
  107. >He quickly looks down to the pony at his hooves and snorts
  108. >"This dolt keeps breaking into the museum and impersonating a tour guide with obviously bad information."
  109. >The female guard wheels about and sighs
  110. >"It's really starting to get old, Mr. Artifice. How many times do we have to throw you out?"
  111. >The would-be curator groans on the floor
  112. >"Aww, but I've been watching the History Channel all week. I just know I'm ready for a job here."
  113. >The guards just clop their hooves to their face and sigh collectively
  114. >It was a journalistic kind of day!
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