Chess

Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:01 PM
~submitfact Chess was the first romantic comedy, centring around the journey of poor, unloved pawns journeying across the board, facing blocks and hazards along the way, before in the final act transmuting into a beautiful Queen through an extensive makeover, in order to mate with a King.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:01 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:03 PM
hahaha what the hell
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:05 PM
~submitfact Sadly, the native Australian ecosystem has been destroyed by the introduction of discarded chess pieces into the environment. Now, even powerful kangaroos and vicious cassowaries are routinely torn to shreds by feral Queens, grown fat off the blood of the canetoads they were introduced to destroy, who can routinely grow up to twelve feet tall.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:05 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:05 PM
:ohno~1:
F4-CT5 - Yesterday at 5:05 PM
~chessfact
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:05 PM
Little is known about 'Chess', other than it is an ancient Sumerian video game, and Mark Hamill is bad at it.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:08 PM
~submitfact The Lord of the Rings is the story of a chess match that J. R. R. Tolkien, in his hubris, aimed to 'low-man' with just nine pieces - a King, a Rook, a Bishop, two Knights, and four Pawns. The match ended in acrimony, when Tolkien insisted that the Queening of a tandem of pawns meant victory rather than the conventional checkmate. When his opponent remarked that his pawn duo was "like, totally gay", Tolkien flipped the board, stormed out and resolved to write the true story.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:08 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:10 PM
whEEZE
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:11 PM
~submitfact Cuban grandmaster Jose Raul Capablanca, better known as 'the Adversary' or 'Old Scratch', was known for taking the souls of his defeated opponents after every game. As a result, he remained uncontested champion for nine years, until in the late 20s Alexander Alekhine wore an orange wig to challenge him. Taken in by the disguise, Capablanca refused to play without an ante and vanished to sulk in Hell, or as it is now called, Townsville.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:11 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:13 PM
~submitfact Jose Raul 'Strummin' Joe' Capablanca never denied rumours that he was, in fact, the protagonist of renowned Japanese role-playing title Final Fantasy 7. Signs pointing to his true nature may be held in his insistence on breeding flightless birds for year upon fruitless year, hoping his Chess journey would lead him to the fabled 'Golden Bird of the Rivermountain'.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:13 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:18 PM
~submitfact Jose Raul Capablanca was the first of Chess' great grandmasters to consider himself a 'philosopher-king' of the sport. Through a hotly-contested series of matches across the Roaring Twenties, Capablanca provided the scientific proof for the theory that history is written by the victors. As a result, Capablanca, the Maid of Orleans, is now noted for having written the Magna Carta, discovered gravity and united Italy.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:18 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:20 PM
~submitfact Every official FIDE-certified chessboard is fitted with a black box, to ensure that, in the likely event of chess-based misadventure, the cause of death may be quickly established. While they are situated within the chessboard and only contain audio, not video, feeds, the capture of final words such as "Aha, I will capture your pathetic aerosol knight with my mighty flaming bishop-" have proved very helpful to coroners.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:20 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:22 PM
~submitfact As human life is a solved game and we face gradually fewer threats to our survival, the basic need for fight-or-flight, hindbrain adrenaline has been neatly filled by chess, as it has grown more and more dangerous over the years. The introduction of Caspar Roe's infamous 'Vantablack vs. Asbestos Killer Golem Chess Set' to standard tournament play is a recent, and tragic, example of humanity's need to seek danger.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:22 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:24 PM
~submitfact Reverse Entropic Chess is an extremely difficult collaborative chess variant where players are given a checkmated board and tasked with figuring out the exact sequence of backwards moves needed to restore the board back to the starting setup.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:24 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:25 PM
~submitfact In an effort to prevent the premature death of intermediate chess players, a demographic that is curiously chiefly comprised of sedentary, middle-aged men, a new FIDE ruling has ensured that within a certain moderate Elo range, completing five star jumps between turns will give you an extra move on the board. While it has had positive effects on health, spectator numbers have plummeted, and a recent tournament match that was settled when the victor threw up in his opponent's hair has stifled TV interest.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:25 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:27 PM
~submitfact Earl Douglas Haig, alleged general of British forces throughout much of the First World War, was eventually fired from his position after a revealing statement in 1917 saw him object that the German 'pawns' were 'shooting three furlongs straight, not one furlong diagonal'.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:27 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:28 PM
~submitfact Since the popularisation of the legend that the Grim Reaper will grant a final game to any who wish to avoid their fate, death is now the leading cause of chess among the 61-80 age band.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:28 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:30 PM
~submitfact Wizard's chess is a seldom-seen variant played with animate pieces that can be ordered around. It has an opposite and similarly rare variant in Witch-hunter's chess, where the pieces are inanimate, but may be captured and executed at any time if the opposing player can successfully accuse them of having used abilities that go against God and nature.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:30 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:31 PM
~submitfact Contrary to popular belief, The Cold War was entirely funded and perpetuated by FIDE to ensure widespread interest in matches between tightly-drilled, disciplined Soviet grandmasters and free, expressive American grandmasters. While the USSR gladly obliged FIDE, the Americans made an unconventional protest for the duration of the war by, political dissident Bobby Fischer aside, being terrible at chess.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:31 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:45 PM
~submitfact In the extensive canon of Cold War urban legend, it is a lesser-known fact that the existence of Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky was entirely staged. It has taken many years for the former Soviet Union to realise that he was, in fact, a small mannequin posed by FBI agents to be defeated in photographs by US de facto champion Bobby Fischer. A mass census, still relevant today, was put out among Eastern Europe with the following three questions;

1) Are you Boris Spassky?
2) Do you personally know Boris Spassky?
3) If you have answered either question in the affirmative, can you prove that you are not a part of the conspiracy?
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:45 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:51 PM
~submitfact Chess was originally a far slower game than it is today. The sluggish Vizier and clunky Elephant have been replaced by the marauding Queen and sleek Bishop. By 3000 CE, chess experts have calculated that the game's pace will have been honed to such a point that it will resemble a modern best-of-one arm-wrestle.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:51 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:57 PM
~submitfact While much has been written of Chess' great champions, the chess community has done its best to forget the Serbian player, Ante 'the Stammerer' Ugarkovic. Ugarkovic was infamous for his ability to glide easily through qualifying, managing to seal his attendance at all official FIDE tournaments, before totally collapsing under the pressure. Matches against Ugarkovic would routinely take two to three days as the Serbian dithered for hours between moves before, invariably, choosing the wrong one and bursting into ttears. In his dotage, Ugarkovic did finally manage to win a tournament, the Cruiserweight Balkan Seniors Challenge, as all four of his aging opponents died of natural causes during their matches.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:57 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 5:57 PM
~chessmastery
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:57 PM
Parrhesia, your Chess Mastery Level is 7, with 65 accepted ChessFact submissions.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:58 PM
~chessmastery
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:58 PM
kaycipher, your Chess Mastery Level is 4, with 15 accepted ChessFact submissions.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 5:58 PM
~masterybadge
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 5:58 PM
 _    _    _
| |__| |__| |
|           |
 \_________/
  |       |
  |       |
  |       |
 /  Lv. 4  \
/-----------\
L___________⅃
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:01 PM
~submitfact The first modern tank, the British Mk. I Fosters, was invented after the complaints of the alleged General Haig, who lamented that none of his forces were allowed to move as many furlongs forward in a single bound as he would like. With no idea how to counter the metal behemoths, the German military attempted to fight fire with fire by placing official Chess rooks on the fields of battle and letting them wreak havoc. This counter-strategy has been directly blamed for the German defeat.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:01 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:10 PM
~submitfact A tiresome, trite saying within chess circles claims that chess is a solely skill-based game. This is a lie, serving solely to give chess an artificial mystique. Chess is, in fact, an entirely luck-based game, as the outcome of victory depends entirely on if you are fortunate enough to face an opponent of inferior skill.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:10 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:10 PM
(i'm proud of that one. validate me.)
The Narrator - Yesterday at 6:14 PM
lol
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:14 PM
~submitfact The second match between Deep Blue and Kasparov is well-documented, and firmly within the realm of general knowledge. More obscure is the first match, which Kasparov won. While common belief among the general population holds that Kasparov was victorious through his human ingenuity and skill, the fact of the matter known only to chess insiders is that Kasparov maneuvred his pawns in the third match to spell out 'This sentence is false', causing Deep Blue to explode and, in its death throes, take the Soviet Union with it.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:14 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:18 PM
~submitfact Deep Blue was the first known, functional Mecha, and the prequel documentary Pacific Rim 2 has been commissioned to tell its story. It was made for Soviet champion Anatoly Karpov by Soviet dark science in a desperate bid to finally defeat Western-sympathising grandmaster Kasparov, Karpov's rival. The first match was a failure when Kasparov flatly refused to play by Karpov's attempted 'full-contact' houseruling, while the second match, nominally a victory for Deep Blue, was only achieved when Kasparov was kidnapped and subjected to a Clockwork Orange-style marathon of the Rocky films, until he believed that he could take on and defeat the killer mecha in single combat. In this, he was tragically mistaken.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:18 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 6:21 PM
what in the
lmao
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:32 PM
~submitfact The use of 'castle' as an alternative form of 'rook' originated from an interwar financial controversy within the game, after FIDE mounted a crackdown on all cheap reproductions of chess sets, ensuring people would only buy the expensive, official versions. Catalan entrepreneur Xavi Martinez Teixeira defied the announcement by launching his own product, You Won't Believe It's Not Chess!, which rebranded the rook into the castle (Martinez citing that 'corvids are bullshit and I hate them') and made no other changes. After YWBINC sets outsold chess sets by hundreds of thousands of units a year, FIDE relented, and permitted cheaper, third-party chess sets to be sold once more, directly leading to the outbreak of the Second World War.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:32 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:33 PM
~chessmastery
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:33 PM
Parrhesia, your Chess Mastery Level is 7, with 65 accepted ChessFact submissions.
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:38 PM
~submitfact Asymmetrical warfare was invented in the Republic of Ireland during the early stages of the Troubles, and trialled on chess before being put into practice. The white side would set up as normal against a nonexistent black opponent. The white side would, after an initial, hesitant move into no man's land, be left in a state of permanent entropy - who were they left to face? What could the opponent do? Was the enemy, in fact, concealed within their own ranks? The opponent would then cordially inform them that they could make no legal move and force a stalemate, forcing the white player to go home, thoroughly confused, without a fight.
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 6:38 PM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
The Narrator - Yesterday at 6:39 PM
https://i.gyazo.com/0d9424dbd24af3a012ebf9ed6a624aa1.png

i'm proud of myself shhh
Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 6:40 PM
lol
The Narrator - Yesterday at 6:40 PM
https://i.gyazo.com/79499015033580afa01cb5104c0a45f1.png

Onyx Casarine - Yesterday at 8:00 PM
~chessmastery
H4-RUBOT - Yesterday at 8:00 PM
Parrhesia, your Chess Mastery Level is 7, with 65 accepted ChessFact submissions.
January 17, 2018
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:15 AM
~chessmastery
H4-RUBOT - Today at 9:15 AM
Parrhesia, your Chess Mastery Level is 7, with 65 accepted ChessFact submissions.
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:20 AM
~submitfact The modern understanding of the tale of Scheherazade stems from a concerted PR campaign from the Persian noblewoman's extensive social media team. In reality, Scheherazade was the world's worst chess player by results, and achieved notoriety for her ability to throw any match away in flamboyant fashion. The Emperor, amused by this, imprisoned her until the day that she was able to beat his disappointing son and heir in a chess match. In the 1001st match, Scheherazade finally managed to convert a 16-point material advantage into a stalemate, and the besotted prince proposed to her on the spot.
H4-RUBOT - Today at 9:20 AM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:26 AM
~submitfact In recent efforts to justify their extensive budget, the Pentagon's R&D department has gone on several expensive flights of fancy. While the worthless Lockheed F35 bomber is the most notorious of these projects, a more obscure recent design was the Knight Carrier, a hypothetical seventeenth chesspiece on each side which would skirt around the edge of the board, providing a launching pad and safe haven for marauding knights.
H4-RUBOT - Today at 9:26 AM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:31 AM
~submitfact The first association football World Cup was held in Uruguay, in 1930. Unfortunately, the protective and elitist English Football Association held a patent over the sport, and sent FIFA a C&D letter. FIFA, then known as being innovative and only mildly corrupt, was left with no alternative but to contest their World Cup in another sport. Chess was chosen, and the Uruguayan manager Alberto Suppici won glory on the board for his country in a final against Argentina. Fascist Italy subsequently recruited no less than seven of the combined Uruguayan and Argentine players on the board in the 1930 final, and went on to win the next two tournaments.
H4-RUBOT - Today at 9:31 AM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:31 AM
fuckin
~submitfact The first association football World Cup was held in Uruguay, in 1930. Unfortunately, the protective and elitist English Football Association held a patent over the sport, and sent FIFA a C&D letter. FIFA, then known as being innovative and only mildly corrupt, was left with no alternative but to contest their World Cup in another sport. Chess was chosen, and the Uruguayan manager Alberto Suppici won glory on the board for his country in a final against Argentina. Fascist Italy subsequently recruited no less than seven of the combined Uruguayan and Argentine pieces on the board in the 1930 final, and went on to win the next two tournaments.
H4-RUBOT - Today at 9:31 AM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:31 AM
there we go
~submitfact The first lie ever told has been traced back to the Persian chessmaster, Alireza Seraj, who achieved notoriety by claiming loudly that his opponents were in checkmate from innocuous board positions. After a twenty-year career of startling his naive opponents into defeat, the Persian Emperor lost patience with Seraj and had him executed in the public squad, lifting his head aloft and telling the first joke, gravely announcing "This man is alive."
H4-RUBOT - Today at 9:38 AM
Your ChessFact has been submitted for review.
Onyx Casarine - Today at 9:43 AM
~submitfact The formation of FIDE, the official worldwide chess authority, is shroudded in mystery. Its true origin lies in the need to stop Jose Raul Capablanca 'the Mad' in the late 1920s, who had grown too powerful after laying waste to all opposition for almost a decade with maneuvres such as the notorious 'Thousand-Folded Fianchetto'. An all-star team of grandmasters was assembled to do battle with Capablanca for forty days and forty nights over forty different boards, and after the death of merely eight bystanders Capablanca was, finally, defeated. The remaining grandmasters resolved to form FIDE to standardise the game and ensure that such lunacy could never be repeated.