API tools faq
paste
Advertisement
Guest User

Untitled

a guest
Jan 23rd, 2020
196
0
Never
Add comment
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
text 146.86 KB | None | 0 0
raw download clone embed print report
  1. SHREK
  2. Once upon a time there was a lovely
  3. princess. But she had an enchantment
  4. upon her of a fearful sort which could
  5. only be broken by love's first kiss.
  6. She was locked away in a castle guarded
  7. by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
  8. Many brave knights had attempted to
  9. free her from this dreadful prison,
  10. but non prevailed. She waited in the
  11. dragon's keep in the highest room of
  12. the tallest tower for her true love
  13. and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
  14. Like that's ever gonna happen. What
  15. a load of - (toilet flush)
  16.  
  17. Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
  18. day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
  19. after the ogre.
  20.  
  21. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
  22.  
  23. MAN1
  24. Think it's in there?
  25.  
  26. MAN2
  27. All right. Let's get it!
  28.  
  29. MAN1
  30. Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
  31. thing can do to you?
  32.  
  33. MAN3
  34. Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
  35. bread.
  36.  
  37. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
  38.  
  39. SHREK
  40. Yes, well, actually, that would be a
  41. giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
  42. They'll make a suit from your freshly
  43. peeled skin.
  44.  
  45. MEN
  46. No!
  47.  
  48. SHREK
  49. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
  50. jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
  51. quite good on toast.
  52.  
  53. MAN1
  54. Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  55. (waves the torch at Shrek.)
  56.  
  57. Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
  58. men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
  59. and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
  60. men are in the dark.
  61.  
  62. SHREK
  63. This is the part where you run away.
  64. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
  65. And stay out! (looks down and picks
  66. up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
  67. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
  68. throws the paper over his shoulder.)
  69.  
  70.  
  71. THE NEXT DAY
  72.  
  73. There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
  74. sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
  75. to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
  76. are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
  77. who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
  78. little pigs.
  79.  
  80. GUARD
  81. All right. This one's full. Take it
  82. away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  83.  
  84.  
  85. HEAD GUARD
  86. Next!
  87.  
  88. GUARD
  89. (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
  90. Your flying days are over. (breaks the
  91. broom in half)
  92.  
  93. HEAD GUARD
  94. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
  95. Next!
  96.  
  97. GUARD
  98. Get up! Come on!
  99.  
  100. HEAD GUARD
  101. Twenty pieces.
  102.  
  103. LITTLE BEAR
  104. (crying) This cage is too small.
  105.  
  106. DONKEY
  107. Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
  108. be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
  109. Give me another chance!
  110.  
  111. OLD WOMAN
  112. Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
  113.  
  114. DONKEY
  115. Oh!
  116.  
  117. HEAD GUARD
  118. Next! What have you got?
  119.  
  120. GIPETTO
  121. This little wooden puppet.
  122.  
  123. PINOCCHIO
  124. I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
  125. nose grows)
  126.  
  127. HEAD GUARD
  128. Five shillings for the possessed toy.
  129. Take it away.
  130.  
  131. PINOCCHIO
  132. Father, please! Don't let them do this!
  133. Help me!
  134.  
  135. Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
  136. to the table.
  137.  
  138. HEAD GUARD
  139. Next! What have you got?
  140.  
  141. OLD WOMAN
  142. Well, I've got a talking donkey.
  143.  
  144. HEAD GUARD
  145. Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
  146. if you can prove it.
  147.  
  148. OLD WOMAN
  149. Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  150.  
  151. Donkey just looks up at her.
  152.  
  153. HEAD GUARD
  154. Well?
  155.  
  156. OLD WOMAN
  157. Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
  158. nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
  159. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  160.  
  161. HEAD GUARD
  162. That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  163.  
  164.  
  165. OLD WOMAN
  166. No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
  167. to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
  168. talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
  169. you ever saw.
  170.  
  171. HEAD GUARD
  172. Get her out of my sight.
  173.  
  174. OLD WOMAN
  175. No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
  176.  
  177. The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
  178. of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
  179. hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
  180. with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
  181.  
  182. DONKEY
  183. Hey! I can fly!
  184.  
  185. PETER PAN
  186. He can fly!
  187.  
  188. 3 LITTLE PIGS
  189. He can fly!
  190.  
  191. HEAD GUARD
  192. He can talk!
  193.  
  194. DONKEY
  195. Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
  196. a flying, talking donkey. You might
  197. have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
  198. but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
  199. fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
  200. to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
  201. to the ground.)
  202.  
  203. He hits the ground with a thud.
  204.  
  205. HEAD GUARD
  206. Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
  207. After him!
  208.  
  209. GUARDS
  210. He's getting away! Get him! This way!
  211. Turn!
  212.  
  213. Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
  214. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
  215. for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
  216. quickly hides behind Shrek.
  217.  
  218. HEAD GUARD
  219. You there. Ogre!
  220.  
  221. SHREK
  222. Aye?
  223.  
  224. HEAD GUARD
  225. By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
  226. to place you both under arrest and transport
  227. you to a designated resettlement facility.
  228.  
  229.  
  230. SHREK
  231. Oh, really? You and what army?
  232.  
  233. He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
  234. and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
  235. and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
  236. begins walking back to his cottage.
  237.  
  238. DONKEY
  239. Can I say something to you? Listen,
  240. you was really, really, really somethin'
  241. back here. Incredible!
  242.  
  243. SHREK
  244. Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
  245. and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
  246. around and Donkey is right in front
  247. of him.) Whoa!
  248.  
  249. DONKEY
  250. Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
  251. you that you that you was great back
  252. here? Those guards! They thought they
  253. was all of that. Then you showed up,
  254. and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
  255. like babes in the woods. That really
  256. made me feel good to see that.
  257.  
  258. SHREK
  259. Oh, that's great. Really.
  260.  
  261. DONKEY
  262. Man, it's good to be free.
  263.  
  264. SHREK
  265. Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  266. freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  267.  
  268.  
  269. DONKEY
  270. But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
  271. I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
  272. wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
  273. stick with you. You're mean, green,
  274. fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
  275. the spit out of anybody that crosses
  276. us.
  277.  
  278. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
  279. loudly.
  280.  
  281. DONKEY
  282. Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
  283. don't mind me sayin', if that don't
  284. work, your breath certainly will get
  285. the job done, 'cause you definitely
  286. need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
  287. you breath stinks! You almost burned
  288. the hair outta my nose, just like the
  289. time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
  290. continues to talk, so Shrek removes
  291. his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
  292. berries. I had strong gases leaking
  293. out of my butt that day.
  294.  
  295. SHREK
  296. Why are you following me?
  297.  
  298. DONKEY
  299. I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
  300. I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
  301. me, My problems have all gone, There's
  302. no one to deride me, But you gotta have
  303. faith...
  304.  
  305. SHREK
  306. Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
  307. have any friends.
  308.  
  309. DONKEY
  310. Wow. Only a true friend would be that
  311. cruelly honest.
  312.  
  313. SHREK
  314. Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
  315. me. What am I?
  316.  
  317. DONKEY
  318. (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
  319. tall?
  320.  
  321. SHREK
  322. No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
  323. torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
  324. bother you?
  325.  
  326. DONKEY
  327. Nope.
  328.  
  329. SHREK
  330. Really?
  331.  
  332. DONKEY
  333. Really, really.
  334.  
  335. SHREK
  336. Oh.
  337.  
  338. DONKEY
  339. Man, I like you. What's you name?
  340.  
  341. SHREK
  342. Uh, Shrek.
  343.  
  344. DONKEY
  345. Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
  346. you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
  347. thing. I like that. I respect that,
  348. Shrek. You all right. (They come over
  349. a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
  350. Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
  351. in place like that?
  352.  
  353. SHREK
  354. That would be my home.
  355.  
  356. DONKEY
  357. Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
  358. You know you are quite a decorator.
  359. It's amazing what you've done with such
  360. a modest budget. I like that boulder.
  361. That is a nice boulder. I guess you
  362. don't entertain much, do you?
  363.  
  364. SHREK
  365. I like my privacy.
  366.  
  367. DONKEY
  368. You know, I do too. That's another thing
  369. we have in common. Like I hate it when
  370. you got somebody in your face. You've
  371. trying to give them a hint, and they
  372. won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
  373. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
  374.  
  375.  
  376. SHREK
  377. Uh, what?
  378.  
  379. DONKEY
  380. Can I stay with you, please?
  381.  
  382. SHREK
  383. (sarcastically) Of course!
  384.  
  385. DONKEY
  386. Really?
  387.  
  388. SHREK
  389. No.
  390.  
  391. DONKEY
  392. Please! I don't wanna go back there!
  393. You don't know what it's like to be
  394. considered a freak. (pause while he
  395. looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
  396. But that's why we gotta stick together.
  397. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  398.  
  399.  
  400. SHREK
  401. Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  402.  
  403. DONKEY
  404. Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
  405.  
  406.  
  407. SHREK
  408. What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
  409. a chair.) No! No!
  410.  
  411. DONKEY
  412. This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
  413. late, swappin' manly stories, and in
  414. the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
  415.  
  416. SHREK
  417. Oh!
  418.  
  419. DONKEY
  420. Where do, uh, I sleep?
  421.  
  422. SHREK
  423. (irritated) Outside!
  424.  
  425. DONKEY
  426. Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
  427. I don't know you, and you don't know
  428. me, so I guess outside is best, you
  429. know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
  430. slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
  431. like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
  432. born outside. I'll just be sitting by
  433. myself outside, I guess, you know. By
  434. myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
  435. no one here beside me...
  436.  
  437. SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
  438.  
  439. Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
  440. a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
  441. noise. He stands up with a huff.
  442.  
  443. SHREK
  444. (to Donkey) I thought I told you to
  445. stay outside.
  446.  
  447. DONKEY
  448. (from the window) I am outside.
  449.  
  450. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
  451. made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
  452. and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
  453.  
  454. BLIND MOUSE1
  455. Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
  456. farm, but what choice do we have?
  457.  
  458.  
  459. BLIND MOUSE2
  460. It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  461.  
  462.  
  463. GORDO
  464. (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
  465.  
  466.  
  467. SHREK
  468. Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
  469. and lands on his shoulder.)
  470.  
  471. GORDO
  472. I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
  473. ear)
  474.  
  475. SHREK
  476. Ow!
  477.  
  478. GORDO
  479. Blah! Awful stuff.
  480.  
  481. BLIND MOUSE1
  482. Is that you, Gordo?
  483.  
  484. GORDO
  485. How did you know?
  486.  
  487. SHREK
  488. Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
  489. you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
  490. from behind and he drops the mice.)
  491. Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
  492. with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
  493. no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  494.  
  495.  
  496. DWARF
  497. Where are we supposed to put her? The
  498. bed's taken.
  499.  
  500. SHREK
  501. Huh?
  502.  
  503. Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
  504. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
  505. him.
  506.  
  507. BIG BAD WOLF
  508. What?
  509.  
  510. TIME LAPSE
  511.  
  512. Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
  513. him to the front door.
  514.  
  515. SHREK
  516. I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
  517. a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
  518. do get a little privacy? (He opens the
  519. front door to throw the Wolf out and
  520. he sees that all the collected Fairy
  521. Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
  522. no. No! No!
  523.  
  524. The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
  525. pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
  526. flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
  527.  
  528.  
  529. SHREK
  530. What are you doing in my swamp? (this
  531. echoes and everyone falls silent.)
  532.  
  533.  
  534. Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
  535. tent.
  536.  
  537. SHREK
  538. All right, get out of here. All of you,
  539. move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
  540. Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
  541. dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
  542. No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
  543. shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
  544. look at Donkey)
  545.  
  546. DONKEY
  547. Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
  548. them.
  549.  
  550. PINOCCHIO
  551. Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  552.  
  553. SHREK
  554. What?
  555.  
  556. PINOCCHIO
  557. We were forced to come here.
  558.  
  559. SHREK
  560. (flabbergasted) By who?
  561.  
  562. LITTLE PIG
  563. Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
  564. and he...signed an eviction notice.
  565.  
  566.  
  567. SHREK
  568. (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
  569. this Farquaad guy is?
  570.  
  571. Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
  572.  
  573. DONKEY
  574. Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  575.  
  576. SHREK
  577. Does anyone else know where to find
  578. him? Anyone at all?
  579.  
  580. DONKEY
  581. Me! Me!
  582.  
  583. SHREK
  584. Anyone?
  585.  
  586. DONKEY
  587. Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
  588. Me, me!
  589.  
  590. SHREK
  591. (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
  592. tale things. Do not get comfortable.
  593. Your welcome is officially worn out.
  594. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
  595. right now and get you all off my land
  596. and back where you came from! (Pause.
  597. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
  598. You! You're comin' with me.
  599.  
  600. DONKEY
  601. All right, that's what I like to hear,
  602. man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
  603. friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
  604. adventure. I love it!
  605.  
  606. DONKEY
  607. (singing) On the road again. Sing it
  608. with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
  609. on the road again.
  610.  
  611. SHREK
  612. What did I say about singing?
  613.  
  614. DONKEY
  615. Can I whistle?
  616.  
  617. SHREK
  618. No.
  619.  
  620. DONKEY
  621. Can I hum it?
  622.  
  623. SHREK
  624. All right, hum it.
  625.  
  626. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
  627.  
  628. DULOC - KITCHEN
  629.  
  630. A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
  631. dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
  632.  
  633. FARQUAAD
  634. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  635.  
  636.  
  637. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
  638. onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
  639. table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
  640. up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
  641.  
  642.  
  643. FARQUAAD
  644. (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
  645. and plays with them) Run, run, run,
  646. as fast as you can. You can't catch
  647. me. I'm the gingerbread man.
  648.  
  649. GINGERBREAD MAN
  650. You are a monster.
  651.  
  652. FARQUAAD
  653. I'm not the monster here. You are. You
  654. and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
  655. poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
  656. me! Where are the others?
  657.  
  658. GINGERBREAD MAN
  659. Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
  660. eye.)
  661.  
  662. FARQUAAD
  663. I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
  664. Now my patience has reached its end!
  665. Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
  666. pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
  667.  
  668.  
  669. GINGERBREAD MAN
  670. No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
  671. buttons.
  672.  
  673. FARQUAAD
  674. All right then. Who's hiding them?
  675.  
  676.  
  677. GINGERBREAD MAN
  678. Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
  679. muffin man?
  680.  
  681. FARQUAAD
  682. The muffin man?
  683.  
  684. GINGERBREAD MAN
  685. The muffin man.
  686.  
  687. FARQUAAD
  688. Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
  689. on Drury Lane?
  690.  
  691. GINGERBREAD MAN
  692. Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  693.  
  694.  
  695. FARQUAAD
  696. The muffin man?
  697.  
  698. GINGERBREAD MAN
  699. The muffin man!
  700.  
  701. FARQUAAD
  702. She's married to the muffin man.
  703.  
  704. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
  705.  
  706. HEAD GUARD
  707. My lord! We found it.
  708.  
  709. FARQUAAD
  710. Then what are you waiting for? Bring
  711. it in.
  712.  
  713. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
  714. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
  715. Mirror.
  716.  
  717. GINGERBREAD MAN
  718. (in awe) Ohhhh...
  719.  
  720. FARQUAAD
  721. Magic mirror...
  722.  
  723. GINGERBREAD MAN
  724. Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
  725. him up and dumps him into a trash can
  726. with a lid.) No!
  727.  
  728. FARQUAAD
  729. Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
  730. Is this not the most perfect kingdom
  731. of them all?
  732.  
  733. MIRROR
  734. Well, technically you're not a king.
  735.  
  736.  
  737. FARQUAAD
  738. Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
  739. hand mirror and smashes it with his
  740. fist.) You were saying?
  741.  
  742. MIRROR
  743. What I mean is you're not a king yet.
  744. But you can become one. All you have
  745. to do is marry a princess.
  746.  
  747. FARQUAAD
  748. Go on.
  749.  
  750. MIRROR
  751. (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
  752. and relax, my lord, because it's time
  753. for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
  754. And here they are! Bachelorette number
  755. one is a mentally abused shut-in from
  756. a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
  757. and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
  758. include cooking and cleaning for her
  759. two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
  760. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
  761. number two is a cape-wearing girl from
  762. the land of fancy. Although she lives
  763. with seven other men, she's not easy.
  764. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
  765. find out what a live wire she is. Come
  766. on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
  767. picture of Snow White) And last, but
  768. certainly not last, bachelorette number
  769. three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
  770. castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
  771. But don't let that cool you off. She's
  772. a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
  773. and getting caught in the rain. Yours
  774. for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
  775. picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
  776. be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
  777. number two or bachelorette number three?
  778.  
  779.  
  780. GUARDS
  781. Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  782.  
  783.  
  784. FARQUAAD
  785. Three? One? Three?
  786.  
  787. THELONIUS
  788. Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
  789. three, my lord!
  790.  
  791. FARQUAAD
  792. Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  793.  
  794. MIRROR
  795. Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
  796. Fiona.
  797.  
  798. FARQUAAD
  799. Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
  800. have to do is just find someone who
  801. can go...
  802.  
  803. MIRROR
  804. But I probably should mention the little
  805. thing that happens at night.
  806.  
  807. FARQUAAD
  808. I'll do it.
  809.  
  810. MIRROR
  811. Yes, but after sunset...
  812.  
  813. FARQUAAD
  814. Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
  815. my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
  816. the perfect king! Captain, assemble
  817. your finest men. We're going to have
  818. a tournament. (smiles evilly)
  819.  
  820. DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
  821.  
  822. Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
  823. lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
  824.  
  825. DONKEY
  826. But that's it. That's it right there.
  827. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
  828.  
  829.  
  830. SHREK
  831. So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
  832.  
  833.  
  834. DONKEY
  835. Uh-huh. That's the place.
  836.  
  837. SHREK
  838. Do you think maybe he's compensating
  839. for something? (He laughs, but then
  840. groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
  841. He continues walking through the parking
  842. lot.)
  843.  
  844. DONKEY
  845. Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
  846.  
  847. MAN
  848. Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  849.  
  850.  
  851. SHREK
  852. Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
  853. a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
  854. screams and begins running through the
  855. rows of rope to get to the front gate
  856. to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
  857. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
  858. - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
  859. walking straight through the rows. The
  860. attendant runs into a wall and falls
  861. down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
  862. continue on into DuLoc.)
  863.  
  864. DULOC
  865.  
  866. They look around but all is quiet.
  867.  
  868. SHREK
  869. It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  870.  
  871.  
  872. DONKEY
  873. Hey, look at this!
  874.  
  875. Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
  876. marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
  877. open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
  878. to sing.
  879.  
  880. WOODEN PEOPLE
  881. Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
  882.  
  883.  
  884. Here we have some rules
  885.  
  886. Let us lay them down
  887.  
  888. Don't make waves, stay in line
  889.  
  890. And we'll get along fine
  891.  
  892. DuLoc is perfect place
  893.  
  894. Please keep off of the grass
  895.  
  896. Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
  897.  
  898. DuLoc is, DuLoc is
  899.  
  900. DuLoc is perfect place.
  901.  
  902. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
  903.  
  904. DONKEY
  905. Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
  906. to run over and pull the lever again)
  907.  
  908.  
  909. SHREK
  910. (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
  911. No. No. No, no, no! No.
  912.  
  913. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
  914.  
  915. FARQUAAD
  916. Brave knights. You are the best and
  917. brightest in all the land. Today one
  918. of you shall prove himself...
  919.  
  920. As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
  921. Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
  922.  
  923. SHREK
  924. All right. You're going the right way
  925. for a smacked bottom.
  926.  
  927. DONKEY
  928. Sorry about that.
  929.  
  930. FARQUAAD
  931. That champion shall have the honor -
  932. - no, no - - the privilege to go forth
  933. and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
  934. from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
  935. for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
  936. the first runner-up will take his place
  937. and so on and so forth. Some of you
  938. may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
  939. to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
  940. begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
  941. that? It's hideous!
  942.  
  943. SHREK
  944. (turns to look at Donkey and then back
  945. at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
  946. It's just a donkey.
  947.  
  948. FARQUAAD
  949. Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
  950. kills the ogre will be named champion!
  951. Have it him!
  952.  
  953. MEN
  954. Get him!
  955.  
  956. SHREK
  957. Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
  958. into a table where there are mugs of
  959. beer)
  960.  
  961. CROWD
  962. Go ahead! Get him!
  963.  
  964. SHREK
  965. (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
  966. settle this over a pint?
  967.  
  968. CROWD
  969. Kill the beast!
  970.  
  971. SHREK
  972. No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
  973. Come on!
  974.  
  975. He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
  976. of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
  977. other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
  978. past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
  979. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
  980. beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
  981. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
  982. fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
  983. to say that Shrek kicks butt.
  984.  
  985. DONKEY
  986. Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
  987.  
  988. Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
  989. gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
  990.  
  991. SHREK
  992. Yeah!
  993.  
  994. A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
  995. and sees him.
  996.  
  997. WOMAN
  998. The chair! Give him the chair!
  999.  
  1000. Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
  1001. are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
  1002. sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
  1003.  
  1004. SHREK
  1005. Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
  1006. very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
  1007. the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
  1008.  
  1009. The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
  1010. Shrek.
  1011.  
  1012. HEAD GUARD
  1013. Shall I give the order, sir?
  1014.  
  1015. FARQUAAD
  1016. No, I have a better idea. People of
  1017. DuLoc, I give you our champion!
  1018.  
  1019. SHREK
  1020. What?
  1021.  
  1022. FARQUAAD
  1023. Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
  1024. honor of embarking on a great and noble
  1025. quest.
  1026.  
  1027. SHREK
  1028. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
  1029. to get my swamp back.
  1030.  
  1031. FARQUAAD
  1032. Your swamp?
  1033.  
  1034. SHREK
  1035. Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
  1036. fairy tale creatures!
  1037.  
  1038. FARQUAAD
  1039. Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
  1040. a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
  1041. I'll give you your swamp back.
  1042.  
  1043. SHREK
  1044. Exactly the way it was?
  1045.  
  1046. FARQUAAD
  1047. Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  1048.  
  1049.  
  1050. SHREK
  1051. And the squatters?
  1052.  
  1053. FARQUAAD
  1054. As good as gone.
  1055.  
  1056. SHREK
  1057. What kind of quest?
  1058.  
  1059. Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
  1060. heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
  1061.  
  1062. DONKEY
  1063. Let me get this straight. You're gonna
  1064. go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
  1065. just so Farquaad will give you back
  1066. a swamp which you only don't have because
  1067. he filled it full of freaks in the first
  1068. place. Is that about right?
  1069.  
  1070. SHREK
  1071. You know, maybe there's a good reason
  1072. donkeys shouldn't talk.
  1073.  
  1074. DONKEY
  1075. I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
  1076. some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
  1077. him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
  1078. his bones to make your bread, the whole
  1079. ogre trip.
  1080.  
  1081. SHREK
  1082. Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
  1083. decapitated an entire village and put
  1084. their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
  1085. cut open their spleen and drink their
  1086. fluids. Does that sound good to you?
  1087.  
  1088.  
  1089. DONKEY
  1090. Uh, no, not really, no.
  1091.  
  1092. SHREK
  1093. For your information, there's a lot
  1094. more to ogres than people think.
  1095.  
  1096. DONKEY
  1097. Example?
  1098.  
  1099. SHREK
  1100. Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
  1101. (he holds out his onion)
  1102.  
  1103. DONKEY
  1104. (sniffs the onion) They stink?
  1105.  
  1106. SHREK
  1107. Yes - - No!
  1108.  
  1109. DONKEY
  1110. They make you cry?
  1111.  
  1112. SHREK
  1113. No!
  1114.  
  1115. DONKEY
  1116. You leave them in the sun, they get
  1117. all brown, start sproutin' little white
  1118. hairs.
  1119.  
  1120. SHREK
  1121. No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
  1122. have layers! Onions have layers. You
  1123. get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
  1124. a sigh and then walks off)
  1125.  
  1126. DONKEY
  1127. (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
  1128. have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
  1129. not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
  1130. loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  1131.  
  1132. SHREK
  1133. I don't care... what everyone likes.
  1134. Ogres are not like cakes.
  1135.  
  1136. DONKEY
  1137. You know what else everybody likes?
  1138. Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
  1139. you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
  1140. say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
  1141. Parfaits are delicious.
  1142.  
  1143. SHREK
  1144. No! You dense, irritating, miniature
  1145. beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
  1146. And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  1147.  
  1148.  
  1149. DONKEY
  1150. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
  1151. on the whole damn planet.
  1152.  
  1153. SHREK
  1154. You know, I think I preferred your humming.
  1155.  
  1156.  
  1157. DONKEY
  1158. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
  1159. making a mess. Just the word parfait
  1160. make me start slobbering.
  1161.  
  1162. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
  1163. a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
  1164. to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
  1165. so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
  1166.  
  1167. DRAGON'S KEEP
  1168.  
  1169. Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
  1170. house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
  1171.  
  1172.  
  1173. DONKEY
  1174. (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
  1175. You gotta warn somebody before you just
  1176. crack one off. My mouth was open and
  1177. everything.
  1178.  
  1179. SHREK
  1180. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
  1181. be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
  1182. must be getting close.
  1183.  
  1184. DONKEY
  1185. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
  1186. about it's the brimstone. I know what
  1187. I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
  1188. didn't come off no stone neither.
  1189.  
  1190.  
  1191. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
  1192. is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
  1193. the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
  1194. foreboding.
  1195.  
  1196. SHREK
  1197. Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
  1198. location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
  1199. into a groan)
  1200.  
  1201. DONKEY
  1202. Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
  1203. ogres have layers?
  1204.  
  1205. SHREK
  1206. Oh, aye.
  1207.  
  1208. DONKEY
  1209. Well, I have a bit of a confession to
  1210. make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
  1211. wear our fear right out there on our
  1212. sleeves.
  1213.  
  1214. SHREK
  1215. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
  1216.  
  1217.  
  1218. DONKEY
  1219. You know what I mean.
  1220.  
  1221. SHREK
  1222. You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  1223.  
  1224.  
  1225. DONKEY
  1226. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
  1227. about being on a rickety bridge over
  1228. a boiling like of lava!
  1229.  
  1230. SHREK
  1231. Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
  1232. ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
  1233. just tackle this thing together one
  1234. little baby step at a time.
  1235.  
  1236. DONKEY
  1237. Really?
  1238.  
  1239. SHREK
  1240. Really, really.
  1241.  
  1242. DONKEY
  1243. Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  1244.  
  1245.  
  1246. SHREK
  1247. Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  1248.  
  1249.  
  1250. DONKEY
  1251. Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
  1252. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
  1253. look down. (he steps through a rotting
  1254. board and ends up looking straight down
  1255. into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
  1256. Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
  1257. off, please!
  1258.  
  1259. SHREK
  1260. But you're already halfway.
  1261.  
  1262. DONKEY
  1263. But I know that half is safe!
  1264.  
  1265. SHREK
  1266. Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
  1267. You go back.
  1268.  
  1269. DONKEY
  1270. Shrek, no! Wait!
  1271.  
  1272. SHREK
  1273. Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
  1274. then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
  1275. bridge)
  1276.  
  1277. DONKEY
  1278. Don't do that!
  1279.  
  1280. SHREK
  1281. Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
  1282. the bridge again)
  1283.  
  1284. DONKEY
  1285. Yes, that!
  1286.  
  1287. SHREK
  1288. Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
  1289. bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
  1290. the bridge)
  1291.  
  1292. DONKEY
  1293. No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
  1294.  
  1295. SHREK
  1296. You said do it! I'm doin' it.
  1297.  
  1298. DONKEY
  1299. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
  1300. I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
  1301. Oh!
  1302.  
  1303. SHREK
  1304. That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
  1305. towards the castle)
  1306.  
  1307. DONKEY
  1308. Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
  1309. pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  1310.  
  1311. SHREK
  1312. Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
  1313. (chuckles)
  1314.  
  1315. DONKEY
  1316. I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
  1317.  
  1318.  
  1319. INSIDE THE CASTLE
  1320.  
  1321. DONKEY
  1322. You afraid?
  1323.  
  1324. SHREK
  1325. No.
  1326.  
  1327. DONKEY
  1328. But...
  1329.  
  1330. SHREK
  1331. Shh.
  1332.  
  1333. DONKEY
  1334. Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
  1335. and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
  1336. with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
  1337. response to an unfamiliar situation.
  1338. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
  1339. add. With a dragon that breathes fire
  1340. and eats knights and breathes fire,
  1341. it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
  1342. if you're a little scared. I sure as
  1343. heck ain't no coward. I know that.
  1344.  
  1345.  
  1346. SHREK
  1347. Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
  1348. Now go over there and see if you can
  1349. find any stairs.
  1350.  
  1351. DONKEY
  1352. Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
  1353. the princess.
  1354.  
  1355. SHREK
  1356. (putting on a helmet) The princess will
  1357. be up the stairs in the highest room
  1358. in the tallest tower.
  1359.  
  1360. DONKEY
  1361. What makes you think she'll be there?
  1362.  
  1363.  
  1364. SHREK
  1365. I read it in a book once. (walks off)
  1366.  
  1367.  
  1368. DONKEY
  1369. Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
  1370. the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
  1371. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
  1372. won't know which way they're goin'.
  1373. (walks off)
  1374.  
  1375. EMPTY ROOM
  1376.  
  1377. Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
  1378.  
  1379.  
  1380. DONKEY
  1381. I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
  1382. to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
  1383. the stair master. I've mastered the
  1384. stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
  1385. I'd step all over it.
  1386.  
  1387. ELSEWHERE
  1388.  
  1389. Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
  1390.  
  1391. SHREK
  1392. Well, at least we know where the princess
  1393. is, but where's the...
  1394.  
  1395. DONKEY
  1396. (os) Dragon!
  1397.  
  1398. Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
  1399. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
  1400. breathes fire.
  1401.  
  1402. SHREK
  1403. Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
  1404. a hold of the dragons tail and holds
  1405. on) Got ya!
  1406.  
  1407. The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
  1408. goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
  1409. tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
  1410. on the floor.
  1411.  
  1412. DONKEY
  1413. Oh! Aah! Aah!
  1414.  
  1415. Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
  1416. part of the bridge he's on.
  1417.  
  1418. DONKEY
  1419. No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
  1420. what large teeth you have. (the dragon
  1421. growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
  1422. I know you probably hear this all time
  1423. from your food, but you must bleach,
  1424. 'cause that is one dazzling smile you
  1425. got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
  1426. freshness? And you know what else? You're
  1427. - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
  1428. I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
  1429. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
  1430. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
  1431. at him) What's the matter with you?
  1432. You got something in your eye? Ohh.
  1433. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
  1434. but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
  1435. blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
  1436. heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
  1437. an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
  1438. work out if you're gonna blow smoke
  1439. rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
  1440. up with her teeth and carries him off)
  1441. No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  1442.  
  1443. FIONA'S ROOM
  1444.  
  1445. Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
  1446. so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
  1447. then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
  1448. the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
  1449. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
  1450. a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
  1451. and shakes her away.
  1452.  
  1453. FIONA
  1454. Oh! Oh!
  1455.  
  1456. SHREK
  1457. Wake up!
  1458.  
  1459. FIONA
  1460. What?
  1461.  
  1462. SHREK
  1463. Are you Princess Fiona?
  1464.  
  1465. FIONA
  1466. I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
  1467. rescue me.
  1468.  
  1469. SHREK
  1470. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
  1471.  
  1472. FIONA
  1473. But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
  1474. first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
  1475. romantic moment?
  1476.  
  1477. SHREK
  1478. Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
  1479.  
  1480.  
  1481. FIONA
  1482. Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
  1483. sweep me off my feet out yonder window
  1484. and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
  1485.  
  1486.  
  1487. SHREK
  1488. You've had a lot of time to plan this,
  1489. haven't you?
  1490.  
  1491. FIONA
  1492. (smiles) Mm-hmm.
  1493.  
  1494. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
  1495. the hallway.
  1496.  
  1497. FIONA
  1498. But we have to savor this moment! You
  1499. could recite an epic poem for me. A
  1500. ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
  1501.  
  1502.  
  1503. SHREK
  1504. I don't think so.
  1505.  
  1506. FIONA
  1507. Can I at least know the name of my champion?
  1508.  
  1509.  
  1510. SHREK
  1511. Uh, Shrek.
  1512.  
  1513. FIONA
  1514. Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
  1515. out a handkerchief) I pray that you
  1516. take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
  1517.  
  1518.  
  1519. SHREK
  1520. Thanks!
  1521.  
  1522. Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
  1523.  
  1524. FIONA
  1525. (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
  1526.  
  1527.  
  1528. SHREK
  1529. It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
  1530. (takes off running and drags Fiona behind
  1531. him.)
  1532.  
  1533. FIONA
  1534. But this isn't right! You were meant
  1535. to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
  1536. That's what all the other knights did.
  1537.  
  1538.  
  1539. SHREK
  1540. Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
  1541.  
  1542.  
  1543. FIONA
  1544. That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
  1545. stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
  1546. ignores her and heads for a wooden door
  1547. off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
  1548. going? The exit's over there.
  1549.  
  1550. SHREK
  1551. Well, I have to save my ass.
  1552.  
  1553. FIONA
  1554. What kind of knight are you?
  1555.  
  1556. SHREK
  1557. One of a kind. (opens the door into
  1558. the throne room)
  1559.  
  1560. DONKEY
  1561. (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
  1562. I believe it's healthy to get to know
  1563. someone over a long period of time.
  1564. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
  1565. worriedly) (we see him up close and
  1566. from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
  1567. the room) I don't want to rush into
  1568. a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
  1569. ready for a commitment of, uh, this
  1570. - - Magnitude really is the word I'm
  1571. looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
  1572. is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
  1573. are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
  1574. back up a little and take this one step
  1575. at a time. We really should get to know
  1576. each other first as friends or pen pals.
  1577. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
  1578. receiving cards - - I'd really love
  1579. to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
  1580. my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
  1581. gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
  1582. - - What are you gonna do with that?
  1583. Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
  1584. No, no, no. No! Oh!
  1585.  
  1586. Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
  1587. toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
  1588. up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
  1589. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
  1590. Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
  1591. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
  1592. roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
  1593. her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
  1594. a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
  1595. take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
  1596. then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
  1597.  
  1598. DONKEY
  1599. Hi, Princess!
  1600.  
  1601. FIONA
  1602. It talks!
  1603.  
  1604. SHREK
  1605. Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
  1606. the trick.
  1607.  
  1608. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
  1609. a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
  1610. crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
  1611. eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
  1612. off and walks lightly.
  1613.  
  1614. SHREK
  1615. Oh!
  1616.  
  1617. Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
  1618.  
  1619.  
  1620. SHREK
  1621. Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
  1622. take care of the dragon.
  1623.  
  1624. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
  1625. castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
  1626. chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
  1627. is still around the dragons neck.
  1628.  
  1629. SHREK
  1630. (echoing) Run!
  1631.  
  1632. They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
  1633. pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
  1634. breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
  1635. for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
  1636. are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
  1637. in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
  1638. get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
  1639. dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
  1640. quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
  1641. sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
  1642.  
  1643. FIONA
  1644. (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
  1645. did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
  1646. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
  1647. You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
  1648. (turns and sees Shrek fall down the
  1649. hill and bump into Donkey) a little
  1650. unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
  1651. is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
  1652. eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
  1653. his throat.) And where would a brave
  1654. knight be without his noble steed?
  1655.  
  1656.  
  1657. DONKEY
  1658. I hope you heard that. She called me
  1659. a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
  1660.  
  1661.  
  1662. FIONA
  1663. The battle is won. You may remove your
  1664. helmet, good Sir Knight.
  1665.  
  1666. SHREK
  1667. Uh, no.
  1668.  
  1669. FIONA
  1670. Why not?
  1671.  
  1672. SHREK
  1673. I have helmet hair.
  1674.  
  1675. FIONA
  1676. Please. I would'st look upon the face
  1677. of my rescuer.
  1678.  
  1679. SHREK
  1680. No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
  1681.  
  1682. FIONA
  1683. But how will you kiss me?
  1684.  
  1685. SHREK
  1686. What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
  1687. job description.
  1688.  
  1689. DONKEY
  1690. Maybe it's a perk.
  1691.  
  1692. FIONA
  1693. No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
  1694. how it goes. A princess locked in a
  1695. tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
  1696. by a brave knight, and then they share
  1697. true love's first kiss.
  1698.  
  1699. DONKEY
  1700. Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
  1701. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
  1702. love?
  1703.  
  1704. FIONA
  1705. Well, yes.
  1706.  
  1707. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
  1708.  
  1709. DONKEY
  1710. You think Shrek is your true love!
  1711.  
  1712.  
  1713. FIONA
  1714. What is so funny?
  1715.  
  1716. SHREK
  1717. Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
  1718. Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
  1719. Now - - Now remove your helmet.
  1720.  
  1721. SHREK
  1722. Look. I really don't think this is a
  1723. good idea.
  1724.  
  1725. FIONA
  1726. Just take off the helmet.
  1727.  
  1728. SHREK
  1729. I'm not going to.
  1730.  
  1731. FIONA
  1732. Take it off.
  1733.  
  1734. SHREK
  1735. No!
  1736.  
  1737. FIONA
  1738. Now!
  1739.  
  1740. SHREK
  1741. Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
  1742. (takes off his helmet)
  1743.  
  1744. FIONA
  1745. You- - You're a- - an ogre.
  1746.  
  1747. SHREK
  1748. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
  1749.  
  1750.  
  1751. FIONA
  1752. Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
  1753. all wrong. You're not supposed to be
  1754. an ogre.
  1755.  
  1756. SHREK
  1757. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
  1758. Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
  1759. wants to marry you.
  1760.  
  1761. FIONA
  1762. Then why didn't he come rescue me?
  1763.  
  1764.  
  1765. SHREK
  1766. Good question. You should ask him that
  1767. when we get there.
  1768.  
  1769. FIONA
  1770. But I have to be rescued by my true
  1771. love, not by some ogre and his- - his
  1772. pet.
  1773.  
  1774. DONKEY
  1775. Well, so much for noble steed.
  1776.  
  1777. SHREK
  1778. You're not making my job any easier.
  1779.  
  1780.  
  1781. FIONA
  1782. I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
  1783. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
  1784. wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
  1785. waiting for him right here.
  1786.  
  1787. SHREK
  1788. Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
  1789. right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
  1790. (he swiftly picks her up and swings
  1791. her over his shoulder like she was a
  1792. sack of potatoes)
  1793.  
  1794. FIONA
  1795. You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
  1796.  
  1797. SHREK
  1798. Ya comin', Donkey?
  1799.  
  1800. DONKEY
  1801. I'm right behind ya.
  1802.  
  1803. FIONA
  1804. Put me down, or you will suffer the
  1805. consequences! This is not dignified!
  1806. Put me down!
  1807.  
  1808. WOODS
  1809.  
  1810. A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
  1811. hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
  1812.  
  1813. DONKEY
  1814. Okay, so here's another question. Say
  1815. there's a woman that digs you, right,
  1816. but you don't really like her that way.
  1817. How do you let her down real easy so
  1818. her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
  1819. get burned to a crisp and eaten?
  1820.  
  1821. FIONA
  1822. You just tell her she's not your true
  1823. love. Everyone knows what happens when
  1824. you find your...(Shrek drops her on
  1825. the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
  1826. DuLoc the better.
  1827.  
  1828. DONKEY
  1829. You're gonna love it there, Princess.
  1830. It's beautiful!
  1831.  
  1832. FIONA
  1833. And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
  1834. What's he like?
  1835.  
  1836. SHREK
  1837. Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
  1838. of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
  1839. (he and Donkey laugh)
  1840.  
  1841. Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
  1842. the dust and grime.
  1843.  
  1844. DONKEY
  1845. I don't know. There are those who think
  1846. little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
  1847. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
  1848. just jealous you can never measure up
  1849. to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  1850.  
  1851.  
  1852. SHREK
  1853. Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
  1854. But I'll let you do the "measuring"
  1855. when you see him tomorrow.
  1856.  
  1857. FIONA
  1858. (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
  1859. It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
  1860. to make camp?
  1861.  
  1862. SHREK
  1863. No, that'll take longer. We can keep
  1864. going.
  1865.  
  1866. FIONA
  1867. But there's robbers in the woods.
  1868.  
  1869. DONKEY
  1870. Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
  1871. to sound good.
  1872.  
  1873. SHREK
  1874. Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
  1875. we're going to see in this forest.
  1876.  
  1877.  
  1878. FIONA
  1879. I need to find somewhere to camp now!
  1880.  
  1881.  
  1882. Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
  1883.  
  1884.  
  1885. MOUNTAIN CLIFF
  1886.  
  1887. Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
  1888. a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
  1889.  
  1890. SHREK
  1891. Hey! Over here.
  1892.  
  1893. DONKEY
  1894. Shrek, we can do better than that. I
  1895. don't think this is fit for a princess.
  1896.  
  1897.  
  1898. FIONA
  1899. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
  1900. a few homey touches.
  1901.  
  1902. SHREK
  1903. Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
  1904. a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
  1905. who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
  1906.  
  1907.  
  1908. FIONA
  1909. A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
  1910. good night. (goes into the cave and
  1911. puts the bark door up behind her)
  1912.  
  1913.  
  1914. DONKEY
  1915. You want me to read you a bedtime story?
  1916. I will.
  1917.  
  1918. FIONA
  1919. (os) I said good night!
  1920.  
  1921. Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
  1922. boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
  1923. still inside.
  1924.  
  1925. DONKEY
  1926. Shrek, What are you doing?
  1927.  
  1928. SHREK
  1929. (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
  1930. come on. I was just kidding.
  1931.  
  1932. LATER THAT NIGHT
  1933.  
  1934. Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
  1935. up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
  1936. to Donkey.
  1937.  
  1938. SHREK
  1939. And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
  1940. the only ogre to ever spit over three
  1941. wheat fields.
  1942.  
  1943. DONKEY
  1944. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
  1945. from these stars?
  1946.  
  1947. SHREK
  1948. The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
  1949. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
  1950. the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
  1951. famous for.
  1952.  
  1953. DONKEY
  1954. I know you're making this up.
  1955.  
  1956. SHREK
  1957. No, look. There he is, and there's the
  1958. group of hunters running away from his
  1959. stench.
  1960.  
  1961. DONKEY
  1962. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
  1963. dots.
  1964.  
  1965. SHREK
  1966. You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
  1967. more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
  1968.  
  1969.  
  1970. DONKEY
  1971. (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
  1972. we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
  1973.  
  1974.  
  1975. SHREK
  1976. Our swamp?
  1977.  
  1978. DONKEY
  1979. You know, when we're through rescuing
  1980. the princess.
  1981.  
  1982. SHREK
  1983. We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
  1984. no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
  1985. The first thing I'm gonna do is build
  1986. a ten-foot wall around my land.
  1987.  
  1988. DONKEY
  1989. You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
  1990. deep just now. You know what I think?
  1991. I think this whole wall thing is just
  1992. a way to keep somebody out.
  1993.  
  1994. SHREK
  1995. No, do ya think?
  1996.  
  1997. DONKEY
  1998. Are you hidin' something?
  1999.  
  2000. SHREK
  2001. Never mind, Donkey.
  2002.  
  2003. DONKEY
  2004. Oh, this is another one of those onion
  2005. things, isn't it?
  2006.  
  2007. SHREK
  2008. No, this is one of those drop-it and
  2009. leave-it alone things.
  2010.  
  2011. DONKEY
  2012. Why don't you want to talk about it?
  2013.  
  2014.  
  2015. SHREK
  2016. Why do you want to talk about it?
  2017.  
  2018. DONKEY
  2019. Why are you blocking?
  2020.  
  2021. SHREK
  2022. I'm not blocking.
  2023.  
  2024. DONKEY
  2025. Oh, yes, you are.
  2026.  
  2027. SHREK
  2028. Donkey, I'm warning you.
  2029.  
  2030. DONKEY
  2031. Who you trying to keep out?
  2032.  
  2033. SHREK
  2034. Everyone! Okay?
  2035.  
  2036. DONKEY
  2037. (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  2038. (grins)
  2039.  
  2040. At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
  2041. the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
  2042.  
  2043. SHREK
  2044. Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
  2045. walks over to the edge of the cliff
  2046. and sits down)
  2047.  
  2048. DONKEY
  2049. What's your problem? What you got against
  2050. the whole world anyway?
  2051.  
  2052. SHREK
  2053. Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
  2054. okay? It's the world that seems to have
  2055. a problem with me. People take one look
  2056. at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
  2057. stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
  2058. they even know me. That's why I'm better
  2059. off alone.
  2060.  
  2061. DONKEY
  2062. You know what? When we met, I didn't
  2063. think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
  2064. ogre.
  2065.  
  2066. SHREK
  2067. Yeah, I know.
  2068.  
  2069. DONKEY
  2070. So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
  2071.  
  2072.  
  2073. SHREK
  2074. Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
  2075. and Annoying.
  2076.  
  2077. DONKEY
  2078. Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
  2079. one, right there. That one there?
  2080.  
  2081.  
  2082. Fiona puts the door back.
  2083.  
  2084. SHREK
  2085. That's the moon.
  2086.  
  2087. DONKEY
  2088. Oh, okay.
  2089.  
  2090. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
  2091.  
  2092. The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
  2093. in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
  2094. Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
  2095.  
  2096. FARQUAAD
  2097. Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
  2098. show her to me. Show me the princess.
  2099.  
  2100.  
  2101. MIRROR
  2102. Hmph.
  2103.  
  2104. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
  2105.  
  2106.  
  2107. FARQUAAD
  2108. Ah. Perfect.
  2109.  
  2110. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
  2111. to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
  2112. at her image in the mirror.
  2113.  
  2114. MORNING
  2115.  
  2116. Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
  2117. who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
  2118. across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
  2119. with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
  2120. to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
  2121. big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
  2122. she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
  2123. is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
  2124. sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
  2125. in his sleep.
  2126.  
  2127. DONKEY
  2128. (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
  2129. it like that. Come on, baby. I said
  2130. I like it.
  2131.  
  2132. SHREK
  2133. Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
  2134.  
  2135. DONKEY
  2136. Huh? What?
  2137.  
  2138. SHREK
  2139. Wake up.
  2140.  
  2141. DONKEY
  2142. What? (stretches and yawns)
  2143.  
  2144. FIONA
  2145. Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
  2146. eggs?
  2147.  
  2148. DONKEY
  2149. Oh, good morning, Princess!
  2150.  
  2151. Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
  2152.  
  2153. SHREK
  2154. What's all this about?
  2155.  
  2156. FIONA
  2157. You know, we kind of got off to a bad
  2158. start yesterday. I wanted to make it
  2159. up to you. I mean, after all, you did
  2160. rescue me.
  2161.  
  2162. SHREK
  2163. Uh, thanks.
  2164.  
  2165. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
  2166.  
  2167. FIONA
  2168. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
  2169. of us. (walks off)
  2170.  
  2171. LATER
  2172.  
  2173. They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
  2174. forest. Shrek belches.
  2175.  
  2176. DONKEY
  2177. Shrek!
  2178.  
  2179. SHREK
  2180. What? It's a compliment. Better out
  2181. than in, I always say. (laughs)
  2182.  
  2183. DONKEY
  2184. Well, it's no way to behave in front
  2185. of a princess.
  2186.  
  2187. Fiona belches
  2188.  
  2189. FIONA
  2190. Thanks.
  2191.  
  2192. DONKEY
  2193. She's as nasty as you are.
  2194.  
  2195. SHREK
  2196. (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
  2197. what I expected.
  2198.  
  2199. FIONA
  2200. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
  2201. before you get to know them.
  2202.  
  2203. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
  2204. from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
  2205. a tree.
  2206.  
  2207. ROBIN HOOD
  2208. La liberte! Hey!
  2209.  
  2210. SHREK
  2211. Princess!
  2212.  
  2213. FIONA
  2214. (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
  2215.  
  2216.  
  2217. ROBIN HOOD
  2218. Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
  2219. And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
  2220. up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
  2221. disgust)...beast.
  2222.  
  2223. SHREK
  2224. Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
  2225. own!
  2226.  
  2227. ROBIN HOOD
  2228. Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
  2229. little busy here?
  2230.  
  2231. FIONA
  2232. (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
  2233. know who you think you are!
  2234.  
  2235. ROBIN HOOD
  2236. Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
  2237. let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
  2238. (laughs)
  2239.  
  2240. Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
  2241. from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
  2242.  
  2243. MERRY MEN
  2244. Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
  2245.  
  2246. ROBIN HOOD
  2247. I steal from the rich and give to the
  2248. needy.
  2249.  
  2250. MERRY MEN
  2251. He takes a wee percentage,
  2252.  
  2253. ROBIN HOOD
  2254. But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
  2255. damsels, man, I'm good.
  2256.  
  2257. MERRY MEN
  2258. What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
  2259.  
  2260. ROBIN HOOD
  2261. Break it down. I like an honest fight
  2262. and a saucy little maid...
  2263.  
  2264. MERRY MEN
  2265. What he's basically saying is he likes
  2266. to get...
  2267.  
  2268. ROBIN HOOD
  2269. Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
  2270. grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
  2271.  
  2272.  
  2273. MERRY MEN
  2274. That's bad.
  2275.  
  2276. ROBIN HOOD
  2277. When a beauty's with a beast it makes
  2278. me awfully mad.
  2279.  
  2280. MERRY MEN
  2281. He's mad, he's really, really mad.
  2282.  
  2283.  
  2284. ROBIN HOOD
  2285. I'll take my blade and ram it through
  2286. your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
  2287. 'cause I'm about to start...
  2288.  
  2289. There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
  2290. knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
  2291.  
  2292. FIONA
  2293. Man, that was annoying!
  2294.  
  2295. Shrek looks at her in admiration.
  2296.  
  2297. MERRY MAN
  2298. Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
  2299. Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
  2300.  
  2301.  
  2302. The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
  2303. get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
  2304.  
  2305.  
  2306. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
  2307. then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
  2308. a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
  2309. mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
  2310. and Fiona begins walking away.
  2311.  
  2312. FIONA
  2313. Uh, shall we?
  2314.  
  2315. SHREK
  2316. Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
  2317. walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
  2318. whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
  2319. from?
  2320.  
  2321. FIONA
  2322. What?
  2323.  
  2324. SHREK
  2325. That! Back there. That was amazing!
  2326. Where did you learn that?
  2327.  
  2328. FIONA
  2329. Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
  2330. uh, one has to learn these things in
  2331. case there's a...(gasps and points)
  2332. there's an arrow in your butt!
  2333.  
  2334. SHREK
  2335. What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
  2336. look at that? (he goes to pull it out
  2337. but flinches because it's tender)
  2338.  
  2339.  
  2340. FIONA
  2341. Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
  2342. sorry.
  2343.  
  2344. DONKEY
  2345. (walking up) Why? What's wrong?
  2346.  
  2347. FIONA
  2348. Shrek's hurt.
  2349.  
  2350. DONKEY
  2351. Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
  2352. Shrek's gonna die.
  2353.  
  2354. SHREK
  2355. Donkey, I'm okay.
  2356.  
  2357. DONKEY
  2358. You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
  2359. too young for you to die. Keep you legs
  2360. elevated. Turn your head and cough.
  2361. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
  2362.  
  2363. FIONA
  2364. Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
  2365. Shrek, run into the woods and find me
  2366. a blue flower with red thorns.
  2367.  
  2368. DONKEY
  2369. Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
  2370. it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
  2371. Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
  2372. away from the light!
  2373.  
  2374. SHREK & FIONA
  2375. Donkey!
  2376.  
  2377. DONKEY
  2378. Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
  2379. (runs off)
  2380.  
  2381. SHREK
  2382. What are the flowers for?
  2383.  
  2384. FIONA
  2385. (like it's obvious) For getting rid
  2386. of Donkey.
  2387.  
  2388. SHREK
  2389. Ah.
  2390.  
  2391. FIONA
  2392. Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
  2393. thing out. (gives the arrow a little
  2394. pull)
  2395.  
  2396. SHREK
  2397. (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
  2398. yankin'.
  2399.  
  2400. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
  2401. Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
  2402.  
  2403. FIONA
  2404. I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
  2405.  
  2406.  
  2407. SHREK
  2408. No, it's tender.
  2409.  
  2410. FIONA
  2411. Now, hold on.
  2412.  
  2413. SHREK
  2414. What you're doing is the opposite of
  2415. help.
  2416.  
  2417. FIONA
  2418. Don't move.
  2419.  
  2420. SHREK
  2421. Look, time out.
  2422.  
  2423. FIONA
  2424. Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
  2425. hand over her face to stop her from
  2426. getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
  2427. you propose we do?
  2428.  
  2429. ELSEWHERE
  2430.  
  2431. Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
  2432.  
  2433. DONKEY
  2434. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
  2435. red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
  2436. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
  2437. color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
  2438.  
  2439.  
  2440. SHREK
  2441. (os) Ow!
  2442.  
  2443. DONKEY
  2444. Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
  2445. flower off a nearby bush that just happens
  2446. to be a blue flower with red thorns)
  2447.  
  2448.  
  2449. THE FOREST PATH
  2450.  
  2451. SHREK
  2452. Ow! Not good.
  2453.  
  2454. FIONA
  2455. Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
  2456. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
  2457. about...
  2458.  
  2459. SHREK
  2460. Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
  2461. over with Fiona on top of him)
  2462.  
  2463. DONKEY
  2464. Ahem.
  2465.  
  2466. SHREK
  2467. (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
  2468. happend. We were just, uh - -
  2469.  
  2470. DONKEY
  2471. Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
  2472. you had to do was ask. Okay?
  2473.  
  2474. SHREK
  2475. Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
  2476. my mind. The princess here was just-
  2477. - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
  2478. turns to look at Fiona who holds up
  2479. the arrow with a smile) Ow!
  2480.  
  2481. DONKEY
  2482. Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
  2483. That's...is that blood?
  2484.  
  2485. Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
  2486. on their way.
  2487.  
  2488. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
  2489. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
  2490. small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
  2491. Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
  2492. into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
  2493. and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
  2494. that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
  2495. around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
  2496. eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
  2497. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
  2498. it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
  2499. it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
  2500. arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
  2501.  
  2502. WINDMILL
  2503.  
  2504. SHREK
  2505. There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
  2506. you.
  2507.  
  2508. FIONA
  2509. That's DuLoc?
  2510.  
  2511. DONKEY
  2512. Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
  2513. Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
  2514. which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
  2515. steps on his hoof) Ow!
  2516.  
  2517. SHREK
  2518. Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
  2519. on.
  2520.  
  2521. FIONA
  2522. Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
  2523. about Donkey.
  2524.  
  2525. SHREK
  2526. What?
  2527.  
  2528. FIONA
  2529. I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
  2530. so good.
  2531.  
  2532. DONKEY
  2533. What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  2534.  
  2535.  
  2536. FIONA
  2537. (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
  2538. what they always say, and then next
  2539. thing you know, you're on your back.
  2540. (pause) Dead.
  2541.  
  2542. SHREK
  2543. You know, she's right. You look awful.
  2544. Do you want to sit down?
  2545.  
  2546. FIONA
  2547. Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
  2548.  
  2549.  
  2550. DONKEY
  2551. I didn't want to say nothin', but I
  2552. got this twinge in my neck, and when
  2553. I turn my head like this, look, (turns
  2554. his neck in a very sharp way until his
  2555. head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
  2556.  
  2557.  
  2558. SHREK
  2559. Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
  2560.  
  2561.  
  2562. FIONA
  2563. I'll get the firewood.
  2564.  
  2565. DONKEY
  2566. Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
  2567. feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
  2568. I don't have any toes! I think I need
  2569. a hug.
  2570.  
  2571. SUNSET
  2572.  
  2573. Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
  2574. Fiona eats.
  2575.  
  2576. FIONA
  2577. Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
  2578. What is this?
  2579.  
  2580. SHREK
  2581. Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
  2582.  
  2583. FIONA
  2584. No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
  2585.  
  2586.  
  2587. SHREK
  2588. Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
  2589. I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
  2590. weed rat stew. (chuckles)
  2591.  
  2592. Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
  2593.  
  2594. FIONA
  2595. I guess I'll be dining a little differently
  2596. tomorrow night.
  2597.  
  2598. SHREK
  2599. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
  2600. sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
  2601. for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
  2602. - - you name it.
  2603.  
  2604. FIONA
  2605. (smiles) I'd like that.
  2606.  
  2607. They smiles at each other.
  2608.  
  2609. SHREK
  2610. Um, Princess?
  2611.  
  2612. FIONA
  2613. Yes, Shrek?
  2614.  
  2615. SHREK
  2616. I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
  2617. Are you gonna eat that?
  2618.  
  2619. DONKEY
  2620. (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
  2621. Just look at that sunset.
  2622.  
  2623. FIONA
  2624. (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
  2625. late. I-It's very late.
  2626.  
  2627. SHREK
  2628. What?
  2629.  
  2630. DONKEY
  2631. Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
  2632. here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
  2633. you?
  2634.  
  2635. FIONA
  2636. Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
  2637. You know, I'd better go inside.
  2638.  
  2639. DONKEY
  2640. Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
  2641. be afraid of the dark, too, until -
  2642. - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
  2643. the dark.
  2644.  
  2645. Shrek sighs
  2646.  
  2647. FIONA
  2648. Good night.
  2649.  
  2650. SHREK
  2651. Good night.
  2652.  
  2653. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
  2654. at Shrek with a new eye.
  2655.  
  2656. DONKEY
  2657. Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
  2658. here.
  2659.  
  2660. SHREK
  2661. Oh, what are you talkin' about?
  2662.  
  2663. DONKEY
  2664. I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
  2665. an animal, and I got instincts. And
  2666. I know you two were diggin' on each
  2667. other. I could feel it.
  2668.  
  2669. SHREK
  2670. You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
  2671. back to Farquaad.
  2672.  
  2673. DONKEY
  2674. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
  2675. the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
  2676. her how you feel.
  2677.  
  2678. SHREK
  2679. I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
  2680. even if I did tell her that, well, you
  2681. know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
  2682. I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
  2683. - -
  2684.  
  2685. DONKEY
  2686. An ogre?
  2687.  
  2688. SHREK
  2689. Yeah. An ogre.
  2690.  
  2691. DONKEY
  2692. Hey, where you goin'?
  2693.  
  2694. SHREK
  2695. To get... move firewood. (sighs)
  2696.  
  2697. Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
  2698. is.
  2699.  
  2700. TIME LAPSE
  2701.  
  2702. Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
  2703. nowhere to be seen.
  2704.  
  2705. DONKEY
  2706. Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
  2707. where are you? Princess?
  2708.  
  2709. Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
  2710.  
  2711.  
  2712. DONKEY
  2713. It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
  2714. no games.
  2715.  
  2716. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
  2717. look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
  2718. out.
  2719.  
  2720. DONKEY
  2721. Aah!
  2722.  
  2723. FIONA
  2724. Oh, no!
  2725.  
  2726. DONKEY
  2727. No, help!
  2728.  
  2729. FIONA
  2730. Shh!
  2731.  
  2732. DONKEY
  2733. Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  2734.  
  2735. FIONA
  2736. No, it's okay. It's okay.
  2737.  
  2738. DONKEY
  2739. What did you do with the princess?
  2740.  
  2741.  
  2742. FIONA
  2743. Donkey, I'm the princess.
  2744.  
  2745. DONKEY
  2746. Aah!
  2747.  
  2748. FIONA
  2749. It's me, in this body.
  2750.  
  2751. DONKEY
  2752. Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
  2753. her stomach) Can you hear me?
  2754.  
  2755. FIONA
  2756. Donkey!
  2757.  
  2758. DONKEY
  2759. (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
  2760. keep breathing! I'll get you out of
  2761. there!
  2762.  
  2763. FIONA
  2764. No!
  2765.  
  2766. DONKEY
  2767. Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  2768.  
  2769. FIONA
  2770. Shh.
  2771.  
  2772. DONKEY
  2773. Shrek!
  2774.  
  2775. FIONA
  2776. This is me.
  2777.  
  2778. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
  2779. down.
  2780.  
  2781. DONKEY
  2782. Princess? What happened to you? You're,
  2783. uh, uh, uh, different.
  2784.  
  2785. FIONA
  2786. I'm ugly, okay?
  2787.  
  2788. DONKEY
  2789. Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
  2790. 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
  2791. bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
  2792. Now - -
  2793.  
  2794. FIONA
  2795. No. I - - I've been this way as long
  2796. as I can remember.
  2797.  
  2798. DONKEY
  2799. What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
  2800. seen you like this before.
  2801.  
  2802. FIONA
  2803. It only happens when sun goes down.
  2804. "By night one way, by day another. This
  2805. shall be the norm... until you find
  2806. true love's first kiss... and then take
  2807. love's true form."
  2808.  
  2809. DONKEY
  2810. Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
  2811. you wrote poetry.
  2812.  
  2813. FIONA
  2814. It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
  2815. girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
  2816. night I become this. This horrible,
  2817. ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
  2818. to await the day my true love would
  2819. rescue me. That's why I have to marry
  2820. Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
  2821. sets and he sees me like this. (begins
  2822. to cry)
  2823.  
  2824. DONKEY
  2825. All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
  2826. it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
  2827. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
  2828. But you only look like this at night.
  2829. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
  2830.  
  2831. FIONA
  2832. But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
  2833. is not how a princess is meant to look.
  2834.  
  2835.  
  2836. DONKEY
  2837. Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
  2838. Farquaad?
  2839.  
  2840. FIONA
  2841. I have to. Only my true love's kiss
  2842. can break the spell.
  2843.  
  2844. DONKEY
  2845. But, you know, um, you're kind of an
  2846. orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
  2847. lot in common.
  2848.  
  2849. FIONA
  2850. Shrek?
  2851.  
  2852. OUTSIDE
  2853.  
  2854. Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
  2855. hand.
  2856.  
  2857. SHREK
  2858. (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
  2859. it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
  2860. for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
  2861. and thought of you because it's pretty
  2862. and - - well, I don't really like it,
  2863. but I thought you might like it 'cause
  2864. you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
  2865. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
  2866. Okay, here we go.
  2867.  
  2868. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
  2869. and Fiona talking.
  2870.  
  2871. FIONA
  2872. (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
  2873. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
  2874. really, who can ever love a beast so
  2875. hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
  2876. don't go together. That's why I can't
  2877. stay here with Shrek.
  2878.  
  2879. Shrek steps back in shock.
  2880.  
  2881. FIONA
  2882. (os) My only chance to live happily
  2883. ever after is to marry my true love.
  2884.  
  2885.  
  2886. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
  2887. away.
  2888.  
  2889. INSIDE
  2890.  
  2891. FIONA
  2892. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
  2893. it has to be. It's the only way to break
  2894. the spell.
  2895.  
  2896. DONKEY
  2897. You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
  2898.  
  2899.  
  2900. FIONA
  2901. No! You can't breathe a word. No one
  2902. must ever know.
  2903.  
  2904. DONKEY
  2905. What's the point of being able to talk
  2906. if you gotta keep secrets?
  2907.  
  2908. FIONA
  2909. Promise you won't tell. Promise!
  2910.  
  2911. DONKEY
  2912. All right, all right. I won't tell him.
  2913. But you should. (goes outside) I just
  2914. know before this is over, I'm gonna
  2915. need a whole lot of serious therapy.
  2916. Look at my eye twitchin'.
  2917.  
  2918. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
  2919. down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
  2920. inside the windmill.
  2921.  
  2922. MORNING
  2923.  
  2924. Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
  2925. awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
  2926.  
  2927. FIONA
  2928. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
  2929. I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
  2930. runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
  2931. Shrek, there's something I want...(she
  2932. looks and sees the rising sun, and as
  2933. the sun crests the sky she turns back
  2934. into a human.)
  2935.  
  2936. Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
  2937. her.
  2938.  
  2939. FIONA
  2940. Shrek. Are you all right?
  2941.  
  2942. SHREK
  2943. Perfect! Never been better.
  2944.  
  2945. FIONA
  2946. I - - I don't - - There's something
  2947. I have to tell you.
  2948.  
  2949. SHREK
  2950. You don't have to tell me anything,
  2951. Princess. I heard enough last night.
  2952.  
  2953.  
  2954. FIONA
  2955. You heard what I said?
  2956.  
  2957. SHREK
  2958. Every word.
  2959.  
  2960. FIONA
  2961. I thought you'd understand.
  2962.  
  2963. SHREK
  2964. Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
  2965. could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  2966.  
  2967.  
  2968. FIONA
  2969. But I thought that wouldn't matter to
  2970. you.
  2971.  
  2972. SHREK
  2973. Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
  2974. him in shock. He looks past her and
  2975. spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
  2976. on time. Princess, I've brought you
  2977. a little something.
  2978.  
  2979. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
  2980. sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
  2981. like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
  2982. march by.
  2983.  
  2984. DONKEY
  2985. What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
  2986. the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
  2987. Couldn't have been the donkey.
  2988.  
  2989. FARQUAAD
  2990. Princess Fiona.
  2991.  
  2992. SHREK
  2993. As promised. Now hand it over.
  2994.  
  2995. FARQUAAD
  2996. Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
  2997. of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
  2998. out, as agreed. Take it and go before
  2999. I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
  3000. Forgive me, Princess, for startling
  3001. you, but you startled me, for I have
  3002. never seen such a radiant beauty before.
  3003. I'm Lord Farquaad.
  3004.  
  3005. FIONA
  3006. Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
  3007. snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
  3008. for I was just saying a short... (Watches
  3009. as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
  3010. and set down in front of her. He comes
  3011. to her waist.) farewell.
  3012.  
  3013. FARQUAAD
  3014. Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
  3015. to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
  3016. not like it has feelings.
  3017.  
  3018. FIONA
  3019. No, you're right. It doesn't.
  3020.  
  3021. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
  3022.  
  3023.  
  3024. FARQUAAD
  3025. Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
  3026. Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
  3027. Will you be the perfect bride for the
  3028. perfect groom?
  3029.  
  3030. FIONA
  3031. Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
  3032. make - -
  3033.  
  3034. FARQUAAD
  3035. (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
  3036. the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
  3037.  
  3038. FIONA
  3039. No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
  3040. married today before the sun sets.
  3041.  
  3042.  
  3043. FARQUAAD
  3044. Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
  3045. The sooner, the better. There's so much
  3046. to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
  3047. the band, the guest list. Captain, round
  3048. up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
  3049. on the back of his horse)
  3050.  
  3051. FIONA
  3052. Fare-thee-well, ogre.
  3053.  
  3054. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
  3055. them go.
  3056.  
  3057. DONKEY
  3058. Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
  3059. her get away.
  3060.  
  3061. SHREK
  3062. Yeah? So what?
  3063.  
  3064. DONKEY
  3065. Shrek, there's something about her you
  3066. don't know. Look, I talked to her last
  3067. night, She's - -
  3068.  
  3069. SHREK
  3070. I know you talked to her last night.
  3071. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
  3072. you two are such good friends, why don't
  3073. you follow her home?
  3074.  
  3075. DONKEY
  3076. Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
  3077.  
  3078. SHREK
  3079. I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
  3080. home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
  3081. Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
  3082. Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
  3083. talking donkeys!
  3084.  
  3085. DONKEY
  3086. But I thought - -
  3087.  
  3088. SHREK
  3089. Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
  3090. (stomps off)
  3091.  
  3092. DONKEY
  3093. Shrek.
  3094.  
  3095. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
  3096. being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
  3097. into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
  3098. alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
  3099.  
  3100. SHREK'S HOME
  3101.  
  3102. Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
  3103. outside to investigate.
  3104.  
  3105. SHREK
  3106. Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
  3107. with what he's doing.) What are you
  3108. doing?
  3109.  
  3110. DONKEY
  3111. I would think, of all people, you would
  3112. recognize a wall when you see one.
  3113.  
  3114.  
  3115. SHREK
  3116. Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
  3117. to go around my swamp, not through it.
  3118.  
  3119.  
  3120. DONKEY
  3121. It is around your half. See that's your
  3122. half, and this is my half.
  3123.  
  3124. SHREK
  3125. Oh! Your half. Hmm.
  3126.  
  3127. DONKEY
  3128. Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
  3129. I did half the work. I get half the
  3130. booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
  3131. the one that looks like your head.
  3132.  
  3133.  
  3134. SHREK
  3135. Back off!
  3136.  
  3137. DONKEY
  3138. No, you back off.
  3139.  
  3140. SHREK
  3141. This is my swamp!
  3142.  
  3143. DONKEY
  3144. Our swamp.
  3145.  
  3146. SHREK
  3147. (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
  3148. with) Let go, Donkey!
  3149.  
  3150. DONKEY
  3151. You let go.
  3152.  
  3153. SHREK
  3154. Stubborn jackass!
  3155.  
  3156. DONKEY
  3157. Smelly ogre.
  3158.  
  3159. SHREK
  3160. Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
  3161. away)
  3162.  
  3163. DONKEY
  3164. Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
  3165. with you yet.
  3166.  
  3167. SHREK
  3168. Well, I'm through with you.
  3169.  
  3170. DONKEY
  3171. Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
  3172. "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
  3173. it's my turn! So you just shut up and
  3174. pay attention! You are mean to me. You
  3175. insult me and you don't appreciate anything
  3176. that I do! You're always pushing me
  3177. around or pushing me away.
  3178.  
  3179. SHREK
  3180. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
  3181. bad, how come you came back?
  3182.  
  3183. DONKEY
  3184. Because that's what friends do! They
  3185. forgive each other!
  3186.  
  3187. SHREK
  3188. Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
  3189. you... for stabbin' me in the back!
  3190. (goes into the outhouse and slams the
  3191. door)
  3192.  
  3193. DONKEY
  3194. Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
  3195. onion boy, you're afraid of your own
  3196. feelings.
  3197.  
  3198. SHREK
  3199. (os) Go away!
  3200.  
  3201. DONKEY
  3202. There you are , doing it again just
  3203. like you did to Fiona. All she ever
  3204. do was like you, maybe even love you.
  3205.  
  3206.  
  3207. SHREK
  3208. (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
  3209. hideous creature. I heard the two of
  3210. you talking.
  3211.  
  3212. DONKEY
  3213. She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
  3214. talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
  3215.  
  3216.  
  3217. SHREK
  3218. (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
  3219. talking about me? Well, then who was
  3220. she talking about?
  3221.  
  3222. DONKEY
  3223. Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
  3224. You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
  3225. Right?
  3226.  
  3227. SHREK
  3228. Donkey!
  3229.  
  3230. DONKEY
  3231. No!
  3232.  
  3233. SHREK
  3234. Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
  3235. I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
  3236. stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
  3237.  
  3238.  
  3239. DONKEY
  3240. Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
  3241.  
  3242.  
  3243. SHREK
  3244. Right. Friends?
  3245.  
  3246. DONKEY
  3247. Friends.
  3248.  
  3249. SHREK
  3250. So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
  3251.  
  3252.  
  3253. DONKEY
  3254. What are you asking me for? Why don't
  3255. you just go ask her?
  3256.  
  3257. SHREK
  3258. The wedding! We'll never make it in
  3259. time.
  3260.  
  3261. DONKEY
  3262. Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
  3263. a will, there's a way and I have a way.
  3264. (whistles)
  3265.  
  3266. Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
  3267. they can climb on.
  3268.  
  3269. SHREK
  3270. Donkey?
  3271.  
  3272. DONKEY
  3273. I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
  3274.  
  3275.  
  3276. They both laugh.
  3277.  
  3278. SHREK
  3279. Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
  3280. noogie)
  3281.  
  3282. DONKEY
  3283. All right, all right. Don't get all
  3284. slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
  3285. right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
  3286. had a chance to install the seat belts
  3287. yet.
  3288.  
  3289. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
  3290.  
  3291. DULOC - CHURCH
  3292.  
  3293. Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
  3294. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
  3295.  
  3296.  
  3297. PRIEST
  3298. People of DuLoc, we gather here today
  3299. to bear witness to the union....
  3300.  
  3301. FIONA
  3302. (eyeing the setting sun) Um-
  3303.  
  3304. PRIEST
  3305. ...of our new king...
  3306.  
  3307. FIONA
  3308. Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
  3309. to the "I do's"?
  3310.  
  3311. FARQUAAD
  3312. (chuckles and then motions to the priest
  3313. to indulge Fiona) Go on.
  3314.  
  3315. COURTYARD
  3316.  
  3317. Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
  3318. a boom. The guards all take off running.
  3319.  
  3320. DONKEY
  3321. (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
  3322. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
  3323. that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
  3324. Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
  3325. wanna do this right, don't you?
  3326.  
  3327. SHREK
  3328. (at the Church door) What are you talking
  3329. about?
  3330.  
  3331. DONKEY
  3332. There's a line you gotta wait for. The
  3333. preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
  3334. forever hold your peace." That's when
  3335. you say, "I object!"
  3336.  
  3337. SHREK
  3338. I don't have time for this!
  3339.  
  3340. DONKEY
  3341. Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
  3342. to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
  3343. you?
  3344.  
  3345. SHREK
  3346. Yes.
  3347.  
  3348. DONKEY
  3349. You wanna hold her?
  3350.  
  3351. SHREK
  3352. Yes.
  3353.  
  3354. DONKEY
  3355. Please her?
  3356.  
  3357. SHREK
  3358. Yes!
  3359.  
  3360. DONKEY
  3361. (singing James Brown style) Then you
  3362. got to, got to try a little tenderness.
  3363. (normal) The chicks love that romantic
  3364. crap!
  3365.  
  3366. SHREK
  3367. All right! Cut it out. When does this
  3368. guy say the line?
  3369.  
  3370. DONKEY
  3371. We gotta check it out.
  3372.  
  3373. INSIDE CHURCH
  3374.  
  3375. As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
  3376. windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
  3377.  
  3378. PRIEST
  3379. And so, by the power vested in me...
  3380.  
  3381.  
  3382. Outside
  3383.  
  3384. SHREK
  3385. What do you see?
  3386.  
  3387. DONKEY
  3388. The whole town's in there.
  3389.  
  3390. Inside
  3391.  
  3392. PRIEST
  3393. I now pronounce you husband and wife...
  3394.  
  3395.  
  3396. Outside
  3397.  
  3398. DONKEY
  3399. They're at the altar.
  3400.  
  3401. Inside
  3402.  
  3403. PRIEST
  3404. ...king and queen.
  3405.  
  3406. Outside
  3407.  
  3408. DONKEY
  3409. Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
  3410.  
  3411.  
  3412. SHREK
  3413. Oh, for the love of Pete!
  3414.  
  3415. He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
  3416.  
  3417.  
  3418. INSIDE CHURCH
  3419.  
  3420. SHREK
  3421. (running toward the alter) I object!
  3422.  
  3423.  
  3424. FIONA
  3425. Shrek?
  3426.  
  3427. The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
  3428.  
  3429. FARQUAAD
  3430. Oh, now what does he want?
  3431.  
  3432. SHREK
  3433. (to congregation as he reaches the front
  3434. of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
  3435. a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
  3436. of all. Very clean.
  3437.  
  3438. FIONA
  3439. What are you doing here?
  3440.  
  3441. SHREK
  3442. Really, it's rude enough being alive
  3443. when no one wants you, but showing up
  3444. uninvited to a wedding...
  3445.  
  3446. SHREK
  3447. Fiona! I need to talk to you.
  3448.  
  3449. FIONA
  3450. Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
  3451. late for that, so if you'll excuse me
  3452. - -
  3453.  
  3454. SHREK
  3455. But you can't marry him.
  3456.  
  3457. FIONA
  3458. And why not?
  3459.  
  3460. SHREK
  3461. Because- - Because he's just marring
  3462. you so he can be king.
  3463.  
  3464. FARQUAAD
  3465. Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
  3466.  
  3467.  
  3468. SHREK
  3469. He's not your true love.
  3470.  
  3471. FIONA
  3472. And what do you know about true love?
  3473.  
  3474.  
  3475. SHREK
  3476. Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
  3477.  
  3478. FARQUAAD
  3479. Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
  3480. in love with the princess! Oh, good
  3481. Lord. (laughs)
  3482.  
  3483. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
  3484. whole congregation laughs.
  3485.  
  3486. FARQUAAD
  3487. An ogre and a princess!
  3488.  
  3489. FIONA
  3490. Shrek, is this true?
  3491.  
  3492. FARQUAAD
  3493. Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
  3494. my love, we're but a kiss away from
  3495. our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
  3496. (puckers his lips and leans toward her,
  3497. but she pulls back.)
  3498.  
  3499. FIONA
  3500. (looking at the setting sun) "By night
  3501. one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
  3502. I wanted to show you before.
  3503.  
  3504. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
  3505. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
  3506.  
  3507. SHREK
  3508. Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
  3509. smiles)
  3510.  
  3511. FARQUAAD
  3512. Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
  3513. I order you to get that out of my sight
  3514. now! Get them! Get them both!
  3515.  
  3516. The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
  3517. them.
  3518.  
  3519. SHREK
  3520. No, no!
  3521.  
  3522. FIONA
  3523. Shrek!
  3524.  
  3525. FARQUAAD
  3526. This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
  3527. marriage is binding, and that makes
  3528. me king! See? See?
  3529.  
  3530. FIONA
  3531. No, let go of me! Shrek!
  3532.  
  3533. SHREK
  3534. No!
  3535.  
  3536. FARQUAAD
  3537. Don't just stand there, you morons.
  3538.  
  3539.  
  3540. SHREK
  3541. Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
  3542.  
  3543. FARQUAAD
  3544. I'll make you regret the day we met.
  3545. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
  3546. beg for death to save you!
  3547.  
  3548. FIONA
  3549. No, Shrek!
  3550.  
  3551. FARQUAAD
  3552. (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
  3553. as for you, my wife...
  3554.  
  3555. SHREK
  3556. Fiona!
  3557.  
  3558. FARQUAAD
  3559. I'll have you locked back in that tower
  3560. for the rest of your days! I'm king!
  3561.  
  3562.  
  3563. Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
  3564.  
  3565. FARQUAAD
  3566. I will have order! I will have perfection!
  3567. I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
  3568. show up and the dragon leans down and
  3569. eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
  3570.  
  3571. DONKEY
  3572. All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
  3573. here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
  3574. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
  3575. the edge!
  3576.  
  3577. The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
  3578. and falls to the ground.
  3579.  
  3580. DONKEY
  3581. Celebrity marriages. They never last,
  3582. do they?
  3583.  
  3584. The congregation cheers.
  3585.  
  3586. DONKEY
  3587. Go ahead, Shrek.
  3588.  
  3589. SHREK
  3590. Uh, Fiona?
  3591.  
  3592. FIONA
  3593. Yes, Shrek?
  3594.  
  3595. SHREK
  3596. I - - I love you.
  3597.  
  3598. FIONA
  3599. Really?
  3600.  
  3601. SHREK
  3602. Really, really.
  3603.  
  3604. FIONA
  3605. (smiles) I love you too.
  3606.  
  3607. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
  3608. 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
  3609.  
  3610.  
  3611. CONGREGATION
  3612. Aawww!
  3613.  
  3614. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
  3615. up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
  3616. her.
  3617.  
  3618. WHISPERS
  3619. "Until you find true love's first kiss
  3620. and then take love's true form. Take
  3621. love's true form. Take love's true form."
  3622.  
  3623.  
  3624. Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
  3625. and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
  3626.  
  3627. SHREK
  3628. (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
  3629. you all right?
  3630.  
  3631. FIONA
  3632. (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
  3633. yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
  3634. to be beautiful.
  3635.  
  3636. SHREK
  3637. But you ARE beautiful.
  3638.  
  3639. They smile at each other.
  3640.  
  3641. DONKEY
  3642. (chuckles) I was hoping this would be
  3643. a happy ending.
  3644.  
  3645. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
  3646.  
  3647. THE SWAMP
  3648.  
  3649. ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
  3650. a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
  3651. and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
  3652. carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
  3653. which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
  3654. up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
  3655. instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
  3656. has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
  3657. walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
  3658. singing the song.
  3659.  
  3660. GINGERBREAD MAN
  3661. God bless us, every one.
  3662.  
  3663. DONKEY
  3664. (as he's done singing and we fade to
  3665. black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
  3666. breathe. I can't breathe.
  3667.  
  3668. THE END
Advertisement
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment
Advertisement
Public Pastes
Advertisement
We use cookies for various purposes including analytics. By continuing to use Pastebin, you agree to our use of cookies as described in the Cookies Policy.  OK, I Understand
Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!