Fool’s Folly

Chuck awoke from his bed, noticing his Cheshire wife, Nyatalie, was gone from his side. He was expecting this, she’s always up early on April Fools Day.

Every year she would devise her husband a gauntlet of pranks to live through. Sure, most were harmless, but she overdid it when she put an “I’m single & horny!” paper on the back of his shirt when he went to the gym last year.

But this year would be different, Chuck vowed to get her this time, and for him not to be pranked.

He scouted the floor for Lego bricks as he made his way to the closet. No buckets of water or spring-loaded mannequins jumped out at him this time. Making sure his clothes weren’t vandalized, he made his way to the kitchen. His wife sat at the dining table, reading the paper and drinking a coffee.

“Morn’ hun.” She yawned before biting a piece of toast in front of her. The floor wasn’t covered in water, so he easily made his way around. No toy bugs in the cereal and his Holstaur milk wasn’t replaced with expired skim. Why had nothing happened yet today?

Chuck sat down and scarfed his cereal. He had a long day ahead of him, and he didn’t want his mood to be ruined. His cellphone alarm dinged that it was time to leave for work.

“Oh, before you go!” Nyatalie reached over and handed him his sack lunch. “I was gonna head over to Stacy’s to help her unpack, so I might not be home when you do.” She pecked him on the cheek and waved goodbye.

*****

At work, Chuck was starting to get paranoid. Nothing had pranked him yet. Did she secretly change the calendars everywhere? Nope, the sign in front of the Target said it was April 1st.

His job of stocking shelves went as you would expect, but he was freaking out. His wife never teleported aside him, her phantom friend wasn’t haunting him, and...

“Excuse me, sir?” He heard a voice ask from behind him.

“Oh great.” He thought to himself. “She hired someone to scare me.” He turned around, bracing himself.

“What are you doing?” The voice asked again. He opened his eyes to reveal a short Baphomet. “Can you get me that blender on the top shelf?” It was just a customer. With a sigh of relief, he did what was asked.

*****

Lunch break rolled around, and his thoughts hadn’t calmed down. The most out of the ordinary thing to happen all day was the vomit in aisle 7 he found.

He sat down at the table, pondering what Nyatalie put inside the bag. A dead rat? Small barbells? A mousetrap?

There was a PBJ sandwich, a bag of Doritos, an apple, and a can of Pepsi...

Ok... did she hide something on the sandwich?!

No...

*****

Once his shift ended, Chuck sprinted to his car, making sure that his tires weren’t slashed or anything. He had to rationalize everything that had (or hadn’t) happened. There’s no way she forgot, they’ve known each other for 15 years, and she never once missed her favorite holiday. He sped home and burst through the door. SOMETHING had to be waiting for him.

He wanted to find a surprise, but he didn’t want to be surprised. In the end, Chuck tiptoed to the bedroom, waiting several seconds in between footsteps. There was no tripwires, no Vaseline in the doorknobs, and no sign of his wife anywhere.

After checking that the bed was in the same shape as it was when he left, he laid down, alone with his thoughts. What if she was brewing a large plan so she didn’t have time for anything else? What if she actually forgot? What if he truly outsmarted her?

He got lost in his head, hyperventilating at the sight of his wife walking in the room.

“Honey, are you ok? You look like you saw a ghost.” She asked in a panic.

“I... you... there wasn’t... why was...?” He was interrupted by the sound of cackling.

“Hahaha! You didn’t catch on?” She wiped a tear from her face. “I thought, what would be the best way to prank you this year? Then I figured it out. I knew you’d get paranoid if nothing happened. The classic bait and switch.” The realization of the days events hit him like a brick.

“So... you didn’t do anything... on purpose?” The stupid, smug grin on her face grew uncomfortably large. She pounced on him, making sure he couldn’t move.

“No one can outsmart a Cheshire...”