Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019)

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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Wanda Sykes!

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Yes.

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Yes.

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Thank you.

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New York.

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New York.

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Oh, my goodness.

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So...

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let me just start by saying...

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if you voted for Trump...

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...and you came to see me...

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...you fucked up again.

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This shit's not normal, y'all.

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It's not normal. Come on.

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The lying, the tweeting,

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the playdates with dictators.

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Come on.

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This shit is not normal.

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It's not normal

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that I know
that I'm smarter than the president.

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That's not normal.

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Come on. In the Mueller investigation,

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how does he not know
that he's Individual Number One?

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Come on.

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Everybody who's been indicted
or going to jail,

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Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort,

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it all says in the Mueller report

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that they co-conspired
with Individual Number One.

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Motherfucker, that's you!

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All right. Now...

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if everybody
you come in direct contact with...

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gets herpes...

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...wouldn't you be like...

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"Am I giving everybody herpes?"

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But no.

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President Trump tweets...

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"All clear."

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"Too bad for Individual Number One.

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Hashtag sad."

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No, motherfucker. You have herpes!

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You are patient zero.

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Trump, he doesn't even look presidential.

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He doesn't look presidential.

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It looks like he's doing
an impersonation of a president.

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He doesn't know what to do with his hands.

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Even the way he stands there,
he's just like...

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He looks like those things that you put
out in front of the car wash. You know...

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Shit's not normal, y'all. It's not normal.

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Here's another thing that's not normal.

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Presidents, they all age
while in office, right?

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They age while in office,

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because the job is so fucking stressful
that it affects you physically.

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We've seen it. Obama...

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First two years,
President Obama went totally gray.

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His face started drooping.

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He got all droopy in the face.

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One time, I was like, "Is that
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Who the fuck..."

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"Is that what...
Misha, is that Kareem? What the hell?"

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George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches.

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At one point, he was looking like Gollum
from The Lord of the Rings.

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"Ah, my precious!

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My precious!"

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Bill Clinton.

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He grew that bulb on the tip of his nose.

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What the fuck was that?

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Bill Clinton looked like the man
on the Operation board.

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But not Trump. Nope. Mm-mm.
He's on executive time.

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Trump hasn't aged.

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But we have.

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He is fucking us up.

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Everybody's looking older.

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My God. I was in my car,
I saw a billboard.

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"Cher, Vegas."

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I was like, "Oh, shit,
that's on my bucket list. I'm going."

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I get to the stop light, I look back up,
I was like...

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"Oh, damn, that's Ariana Grande.
What the hell?"

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He's fucking us up.

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You know how they say
some women have resting bitch face?

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Well, Trump has given me
resting "what the fuck?" face.

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Every morning, I'm looking in the mirror
like, "What the fuck? What..."

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I got crow's feet.

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I got a fucking divot in my forehead.

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He has cracked black.

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That's...

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That's damn near impossible.

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I was like, "We got to get rid of him.

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Two more years,
I'mma to look like Cicely Tyson."

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She look good, but I ain't ready.

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I ain't ready to go there.

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If someone offered me a deal tonight
and said, "Wanda, here's your deal.

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You keep Trump for two more years...

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or we'll switch him out tonight

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with R&B singer Bobby Brown..."

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Without batting an eye,
I'm taking Bobby Brown.

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I'm taking Bobby Brown.

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Bobby Brown is a proven talent.

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We know what he can do. Right?

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Trump, uh-uh.

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We respect Bobby Brown.
Nobody respects Trump.

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You know how I know
they don't respect him?

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Because they let him
walk up on Air Force One

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with toilet paper on the back of his shoe.

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You would stop a stranger
to get toilet paper off their shoe.

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I've been in airports and, like,
tracked people down for ten gates...

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like, oh...

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...to get this toilet paper off your shoe.

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I bet you there's been murderers
on their way to the electric chair...

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passing the guards
with toilet paper on their shoes...

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and the guards are like,

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"Yeah, you motherfucker,
you deserve all of this. I hope...

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Oh, hold up, man, hold on.
Let me get this off your shoe."

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"Can't let you go out like that."

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"It's embarrassing, man."

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Trump passed Marine guards...

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on his way.

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Marine guards.

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These people see everything.

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They are
the sharpest motherfuckers on the planet.

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But they let him ascend...

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...up to Air Force One,

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the plane that represents America...

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with toilet paper on the back of his shoe.

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And they just stood there.

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"You see that?"
"Yeah, I see it. I see it."

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"I think it's a good look for him."

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And he's always on Air Force One.

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Never in the White House.

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Always running off,
Mar-a-Lago or somewhere,

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costing us all kind of money.

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Hey, I was like, "We should just
put the White House on Airbnb."

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"Maybe we'll get somebody good in there."

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His whole family is costing us money.

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Yeah. Did you know
that we pay for a Secret Service detail

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for Tiffany Trump?

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Exactly. Who the fuck is Tiffany Trump?

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Nobody's gonna mess with Tiffany Trump.

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She ain't on our radar.

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Shit, she ain't even on Trump's radar.

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We don't give a shit about Tiffany Trump.

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Don't wanna be paying
for Secret Service.

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All she needs is a mall cop on a Segway.

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Just this motherfucker.

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"Oh, not the stairs, Tiff,
not the stairs."

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Shit's not normal.

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The president is in litigation
with porn stars.

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With porn stars!
Come on, that shit's not normal.

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What the fuck?

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And everybody's like, "Well, you know,
that's just what we doing now."

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Really? We're putting up
with this bullshit?

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We were outraged when President Obama
wore a tan suit to work.

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That was the bar back then.

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"Oh, how dare he come to the Oval Office
so casual, in a tan suit?"

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People were disgusted

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because one of the greatest first ladies
we've ever had, Michelle Obama...

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...she went sleeveless.

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"Oh. Oh, how unbecoming of the first lady

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to wear no sleeves, to show her arms."

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Really?

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You gave Michelle Obama shit
for that. Really?

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You can Google
Melania's titties right now.

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Yeah.

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I did it.

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I bet you the Obamas
must be beside themselves.

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They must be.
They must be beside themselves. I can't...

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Could you imagine, like, all that shit
that they went through for eight years

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and they're watching all this bullshit
just go

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and everybody
just turns their heads toward it?

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I mean, what the fuck?

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I bet you they're in bed,
watching the 11 o'clock news

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and Michelle looks over at Barack
and is like...

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"Nigga."

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"Porn stars? Really?

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We gonna to talk
about the porn star now."

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She didn't put that in the book.

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But I was confused.
I was confused by the whole situation.

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The whole porn star thing.

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Because first of all, I was like,
"Who is admitting that they fucked Trump?"

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That's what I need to know.
Who's going to admit that?

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And then all of the hush money thing.

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I said, "Okay, wait a minute.
Okay, hush money was exchanged."

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And then when I saw Stormy Daniels,
I was like, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

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You mean to tell me he paid her?"

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I thought she paid him
to shut the fuck up.

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'Cause that made sense to me.

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If I fucked Trump, he came to me and said,

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"Okay, I'm going to give you, um...

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130,000 not to say anything,"

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I'd be like,
"Bitch, I was about to give you 250."

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Shit.

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If I ever fucked Trump, I'm telling you,
I'm taking that to the grave.

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That's going to the grave and beyond.

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I'd be walking around Heaven,
I'd look Jesus right in the eye...

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"Huh?"

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"What?

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Me?

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Wasn't me, Jesus."

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"You must have turned
too much water into wine that day."

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But you know what?

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I believe
that everything happens for a reason.

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Everything happens for a reason.

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Because of Trump being president...

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we sent more women
to Congress than ever before.

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00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:22,940
That's because of Trump. Thank you, Trump.

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All kinds of women.

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African-American, Native American,
Asian-American, Muslims. Yes.

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It's funny looking at Congress now.

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All those beautiful women in there
and all those old white guys.

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00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,092
It looks like the cast of Cocoon...

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...meets the cast of
any Shonda Rhimes show.

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We are gonna be all right.
We gonna be all right.

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00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,527
We're just in a fight right now.
We're just in a fight.

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And when you're in a fight, big thing,
you got to stay consistent.

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You got to stay consistent, ladies.

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Especially us. That's right.

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00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:17,703
So, you know...

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You can't be out there
at the Women's March,

219
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"Fuck Harvey, yeah!

220
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:26,045
Equal pay!
Yeah, we got to get equal pay!"

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and then be like, "Ooh, girl, I got
to get home and watch The Bachelor."

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No.

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00:17:38,682 --> 00:17:41,643
The Bachelor cannot coexist

224
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with Time's Up, Me Too.

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00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,607
You can't have it. No.

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00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,488
The only time you hear, "Me too,"
on The Bachelor

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00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,532
is if somebody says, "I have chlamydia."

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00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,669
Got to let The Bachelor go.

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00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:11,548
I know some of you are like, "Well, Wanda,
it's just entertainment. It's a TV show."

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00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:15,803
Yeah, I know. But it promotes bad behavior
and it makes women look stupid.

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It's got to go.

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It's got all these women, you know,
all these women gathered,

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trying to all vie
for this one little shitty dude.

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And he's actively dating all of them
right in front of your face.

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00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,574
And you know
he's sleeping with all of 'em.

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00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,160
And the women just standing around like...

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00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:41,829
"When is he gonna fuck me?"

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00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,416
"When do I get my one-on-one?"

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00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,796
I have more respect for strippers

240
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,798
than I do for women
who go on The Bachelor.

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00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,347
I do. What the hell?

242
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,642
And then they try to make it
like it's some fairy tale.

243
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:06,061
You know. With the rose ceremony.

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00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:10,065
Oh, if he wants you to stay,
he'll give you a rose.

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00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,401
I say bullshit.

246
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,363
I want them to show it for what it is.

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00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:20,033
Instead of the rose ceremony,
I want them to line all the women up...

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00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,828
and if he wants you to stay,

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he will tap you on your forehead.

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With his dick.

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"Oh, yes! Yes!

252
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,006
I'm staying! I'm staying, yeah!"

253
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:28,977
You know, y'all,
I really thought I knew my country.

254
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,562
I was like, "I really..."

255
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,440
I was like, "I know America.
I know who we are."

256
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,442
Right? I really thought that.

257
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:37,778
But nope. It fooled me.

258
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,407
When it was confirmed
that Russia indeed attacked us...

259
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:46,119
They... They interfered with our election.

260
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,081
- That's right.
- I said, "Oh, shit, here we go.

261
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:52,793
Here comes the America I know and love.
Here we go."

262
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,544
'Cause this is what we do.

263
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:59,299
When we are attacked,
we stop the bullshit and we unite.

264
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,260
That's what we're supposed to do, right?

265
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:08,517
It's like when Cardi B
is beefing with Nicki Minaj...

266
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:11,895
...and then Taylor Swift pops off.

267
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:18,318
Cardi B and Nicki are like, "Okay, Nicki,
we're gonna put this on pause, right?

268
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,821
And let's go drag that ho."

269
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:25,742
"Okurrr."

270
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,130
But we didn't do that.

271
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:39,840
I was waiting for it.

272
00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:42,676
I was like, "Oh, shit,
here come the crazy. Here we go."

273
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:43,593
I thought for sure...

274
00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:46,847
I was like, "Uh-oh, there ain't gonna be
no more Russian salad dressing."

275
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:58,108
"We gonna to start
booing Russian hockey players."

276
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,821
I was like, "Oh, boy. Uber's gonna be
missing a whole lot of drivers."

277
00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:08,785
But no, none of that happened.

278
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,121
I'm like, "Y'all, Russia attacked us."

279
00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:14,458
And everybody's like,
"Yeah, but have you had a Moscow Mule?

280
00:22:14,541 --> 00:22:15,959
They are delicious."

281
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:22,716
It's like...
It's like we've forgotten history.

282
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,135
Russia hates us.

283
00:22:25,218 --> 00:22:27,804
We broke up the Soviet Union.

284
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:31,683
We broke up the Soviet Union.

285
00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:34,353
We gave them Boris Yeltsin.

286
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:40,025
Boris Yeltsin was a drunk. He was a big
embarrassment as a president for them.

287
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:41,943
But it makes sense now.

288
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,779
We gave them Boris Yeltsin.

289
00:22:43,862 --> 00:22:45,572
They paid us back with Trump.

290
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:56,249
Forget that.
We forget all about that shit.

291
00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:58,085
And Russia, they sneaky.

292
00:22:58,168 --> 00:23:00,212
Them some sneaky motherfuckers.

293
00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:03,173
Who else would think
of those little stacking dolls?

294
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:04,299
What the fuck is that?

295
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,803
All those damn nesting dolls.
That's some sneaky shit.

296
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,889
"Oh, here's another one." "Open it again."

297
00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:15,560
"It's another one! And another one!

298
00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:16,895
And another one!

299
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,314
Okay, this is the last one, right?

300
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,651
God damn, there's another one!"

301
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:24,361
"Y'all are some sneaky motherfuckers.

302
00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,196
God damn! There's another one!

303
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,783
Wait, this is the last one?
This the last one? Wait a minute.

304
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,244
Ooh, is this the pee-pee tapes?"

305
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:38,458
Sneaky.

306
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,045
But Russia, they knew.
They knew how to attack us.

307
00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:43,880
They know our weakness.

308
00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:46,425
Race. Yes.

309
00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:49,428
That's our Achilles' heel. Race.

310
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,221
That's it.

311
00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:55,183
So they brought out Trump
to rally the racists.

312
00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:57,436
Exactly what they did.

313
00:23:57,519 --> 00:24:00,313
That fucking wall... That wall is racist.

314
00:24:00,397 --> 00:24:01,690
That wall is...

315
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:03,817
It ain't about protecting your borders.

316
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,652
It ain't about protecting our borders.

317
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:13,577
He'll tell you, "Oh, well, we want the
wall 'cause it keeps out all the gangs

318
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:16,371
and the... and the opioid crisis."

319
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:20,208
Yeah. That's a message to white people.

320
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:22,127
That's for white people.

321
00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:23,712
Opioid crisis.

322
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:28,008
Because of racism, black people,
we don't even get our hands on opioids.

323
00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,220
They don't even give 'em to us.

324
00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:36,308
White people get opioids
like they're Tic Tacs.

325
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:42,856
It amazes me how many opioids
you motherfuckers have.

326
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,736
I'm at work, I'm sitting in a writers'
room with a bunch of white people, right?

327
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:49,321
And I'm like, "Damn, I got a headache."

328
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:54,618
White people start pulling out
all kind of pills and shit.

329
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:58,371
Just fucking loose pills in Ziploc bags.

330
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:04,503
"Would you like an oxycodone?
I got oxycodone."

331
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,881
"No, she should take a Percocet.
She should take a Percocet."

332
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:11,510
Oh, other girl over there
preparing a needle.

333
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:12,802
"Give me your arm."

334
00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:21,144
What the fuck?

335
00:25:21,811 --> 00:25:24,189
White people get the opioids.

336
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:27,484
There was a study... It's racism.

337
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,903
There was a study
and it showed that doctors,

338
00:25:29,986 --> 00:25:32,781
they actually prescribe opioids...

339
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,200
frequently to white people
than they do to blacks.

340
00:25:35,283 --> 00:25:36,701
They don't give us opioids.

341
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,078
Because they are sympathetic.

342
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,540
They're like, "Oh, this white person,
they're in such pain.

343
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,168
I hate to see white people hurting."

344
00:25:48,129 --> 00:25:50,257
"They can't handle this pain. Let me...

345
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,885
Here, let me give you this.
Let me give you these opioids.

346
00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:55,971
Get that pain away."

347
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,519
They don't give us the opioids.

348
00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:04,729
They're like,
"Ah, you can take it. Walk it off."

349
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:11,027
I had a double mastectomy.

350
00:26:11,945 --> 00:26:14,531
You know
what they sent my black ass home with?

351
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:18,285
Ibu-fucking-profen.

352
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:33,842
Shit, to get some opioids,

353
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,803
a black person will have to show up
in the emergency room

354
00:26:36,886 --> 00:26:39,598
holding they own head
detached from the body.

355
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,933
"Uh... uh...

356
00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:45,687
Excuse me. Can I get some help out here?

357
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:49,441
My body's still in the car, but, uh..."

358
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,491
Got to...

359
00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:02,370
Got to treat opioid addicts. You do.
Got to treat them.

360
00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:05,165
We weren't trying to treat crackheads,
were we?

361
00:27:05,248 --> 00:27:10,420
No, we were capturing crackheads, locking
up crackheads. Weren't treating them.

362
00:27:10,503 --> 00:27:14,841
You didn't see anybody busting down
the door of a crack house, boom,

363
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:17,927
"Okay, where's the crackheads?
I need to check your blood pressure."

364
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:25,435
"Let's all sit in a little crack circle
and talk about our feelings."

365
00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:31,816
"Let's get to the root of this.

366
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:34,861
Pookie, would you like to start first?"

367
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:43,953
Racism. We got to deal with it.

368
00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:48,958
It is going to be the demise of our
country if we don't fucking deal with it.

369
00:27:54,881 --> 00:27:56,508
Look, I'm from Virginia, right?

370
00:27:57,092 --> 00:27:59,511
And whenever I go home...

371
00:27:59,594 --> 00:28:00,679
Wait a minute.

372
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,279
Off of 95...

373
00:28:18,947 --> 00:28:24,035
right outside Chester, Virginia,
there is a big, giant Confederate flag.

374
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,287
Big Confederate flag.

375
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:31,543
Every time I go home and I pass that flag,
it hurts me to my core.

376
00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:33,253
It fucking hurts.

377
00:28:33,336 --> 00:28:37,173
'Cause it's racist.
It's racist and it's wrong.

378
00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:44,180
And I'm sick of this bullshit

379
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:47,058
of, "Well, that's part
of my Southern heritage."

380
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:50,979
Well, your heritage is shitty.
It's garbage.

381
00:28:51,062 --> 00:28:54,065
Your heritage is trash.

382
00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:04,117
The atrocities that happened under
that flag, are you proud of that shit?

383
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:05,660
- Yeah.
- What the fuck?

384
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:09,664
There are so many other things
about the South that you can be proud of.

385
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,666
Right? Moonshine.

386
00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:19,507
Dollywood. Come on.

387
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,678
You got to love
Dolly Parton and Dollywood.

388
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,764
Clay Aiken. Come on.

389
00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:30,727
Why don't you tear down those statues

390
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:34,272
and put up a statue of Clay Aiken
drinking moonshine,

391
00:29:34,355 --> 00:29:36,232
wearing a Dollywood t-shirt?

392
00:29:43,072 --> 00:29:46,534
Race means a lot. It does.
I think about it a lot,

393
00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:49,120
just because of the makeup of my family.

394
00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:54,125
Look, I'm married to a white French woman
and we have two white kids.

395
00:29:54,209 --> 00:29:55,835
- Woo!
- Yeah.

396
00:29:58,254 --> 00:30:01,341
And now white supremacy is on the rise.

397
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:04,886
And I'm living
with a house full of white people.

398
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,522
I took them to DC over Thanksgiving break.

399
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:18,149
I took them to DC
and we went to the museum,

400
00:30:18,233 --> 00:30:21,402
the National Museum of African-American
History and Culture. Yeah.

401
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,072
Oh, beautiful museum.

402
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:27,784
I'm telling you, you got to go.
If you're in DC go to this museum.

403
00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:29,494
Seriously. Yeah.

404
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:33,581
I see the white people are like...

405
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,097
"It's gonna make me sad."

406
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:58,565
"I don't want to be sad. Oh."

407
00:31:00,775 --> 00:31:02,277
It made me proud.

408
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,863
It made me proud. Yeah.

409
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:09,117
It just reaffirmed what I always knew.

410
00:31:09,450 --> 00:31:11,411
I was like, "I can do anything."

411
00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:13,580
I can do anything.

412
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,084
To come from
people who survived all that shit

413
00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:20,378
and we still here and kicking it,

414
00:31:20,461 --> 00:31:22,630
I'm like, "Pff, I can do anything."

415
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:24,799
Yeah. I can...

416
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,301
I can do anything.

417
00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,472
I know this.

418
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:34,517
And that's why you don't see
a lot of black folks

419
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:38,605
on, like, those survival-type
reality shows.

420
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:42,358
We don't need to fuck around like that.

421
00:31:44,277 --> 00:31:48,114
Man Vs. Wild, Doomsday Preppers.

422
00:31:48,197 --> 00:31:49,365
No, thank you.

423
00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:52,160
We leave that for y'all.

424
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:58,499
Black folks can get the same exhilaration
just by driving around on expired tags.

425
00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:11,346
But one of my favorite ones to watch
is Naked and Afraid. That's the best one.

426
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:16,851
If you haven't seen Naked and Afraid,
treat yo self.

427
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:20,688
They take a man and a woman

428
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:25,985
and they drop them off on some
uninhabitable island or, you know, desert

429
00:32:26,069 --> 00:32:28,154
or Florida and, uh...

430
00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:38,539
You know, like the Everglades.
You know, the swamps. Yeah.

431
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,124
They drop them off in there.

432
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:44,629
They got to get butt naked
and they have to survive for 21 days.

433
00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:46,172
And they get to bring one item.

434
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:51,552
Usually, the guy shows up with some crazy
knife or custom-made ax or something.

435
00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:56,975
And the woman, she shows up with, like,
fishing nets or maybe a fire starter.

436
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,643
But there was this one episode,

437
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,979
this guy showed up with his ax

438
00:33:01,062 --> 00:33:05,066
and this woman showed up
with a fucking magnifying glass.

439
00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:09,195
The look on his face said it all. Like...

440
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,452
"Magnifying glass? Like...

441
00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:20,206
Bitch, what you think? We out here
solving crimes? What the hell?"

442
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,087
I love that show.

443
00:33:26,879 --> 00:33:29,132
There was an episode that stood out,

444
00:33:29,215 --> 00:33:31,551
because it was a black guy on the show.

445
00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:33,428
Yeah. This black guy...

446
00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:36,889
he's paired up with this nice little
white lady from North Dakota, right?

447
00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,767
They drop 'em off on this island...

448
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:41,019
and they were...

449
00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:44,147
Things were going great, right?
So after, like, day three...

450
00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:48,735
the white lady's like,
"Oh, Ronald, he's a good team player

451
00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:53,156
and, uh, man, like, the bugs and
everything, just nothing is bothering him.

452
00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:56,409
Nothing is affecting him out here,
so I think we're gonna be good.

453
00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:59,495
He keeps to himself,
but I think we're gonna be okay."

454
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,456
Two days later,

455
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:05,293
you find out that Ronald is homeless.

456
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,671
Yeah.

457
00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:14,594
These assholes booked a homeless man
to go on Naked and Afraid.

458
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,932
So no wonder nothing was affecting him.

459
00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:24,187
He got on that island,
he thought he was at Sandals.

460
00:34:24,270 --> 00:34:26,397
He was like, "Oh, shit.

461
00:34:27,106 --> 00:34:28,399
Yeah.

462
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:32,862
I can do this.

463
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:35,031
This is nice."

464
00:34:39,535 --> 00:34:42,288
That lady went home. She tapped out.

465
00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:44,207
She was like, "I quit. I'm going home."

466
00:34:44,290 --> 00:34:46,417
She was like, "I don't think
he's ever gonna leave."

467
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:56,552
They booked a homeless man
to go on Naked and Afraid.

468
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:02,058
That tells me that there was
no black people in the room.

469
00:35:03,184 --> 00:35:06,229
When they made that decision,
a black person was not present,

470
00:35:06,312 --> 00:35:08,648
'cause they'd have been like this,
"Wait a minute, you booking a black...

471
00:35:08,731 --> 00:35:10,483
Are you out of your damn mind?"

472
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:12,026
That's fucked up.

473
00:35:12,485 --> 00:35:13,402
Yeah.

474
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:16,697
You need a black friend.

475
00:35:17,824 --> 00:35:20,785
You need a black friend.

476
00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:23,204
It's 2019.

477
00:35:24,413 --> 00:35:26,207
If you don't have a black friend...

478
00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:28,126
you're the problem.

479
00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:39,637
But if you don't have one, I understand.
I understand.

480
00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:41,389
It's scary.

481
00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:46,602
It is.

482
00:35:47,019 --> 00:35:49,605
Because of how
we've been portrayed. Right?

483
00:35:50,857 --> 00:35:55,403
Black people have always been portrayed
as sinister, menacing, a threat.

484
00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:57,029
Yeah.

485
00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,241
I don't know if you've heard
about this story in Chicago.

486
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,869
A black security guard, right,
at a club...

487
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:04,412
There was a shooting.

488
00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:07,290
The black security guard
apprehended the shooter.

489
00:36:07,748 --> 00:36:11,335
The cops show up,
shoot the black security guard.

490
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:14,881
Yeah.
'Cause all they saw was a black man.

491
00:36:16,090 --> 00:36:17,758
Why can't we be the good guy?

492
00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:19,760
- Right.
- Yes!

493
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,978
Black people, we need a better publicist.

494
00:36:30,813 --> 00:36:33,316
No, fuck that. We need a publicist.

495
00:36:35,151 --> 00:36:37,445
I want the publicist
that the white guys use.

496
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,822
That publicist kicks ass.

497
00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:42,617
That publicist is the best.

498
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,577
'Cause they know how to spin it.

499
00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:48,331
Even when white guys fuck up,
they can spin it...

500
00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:51,459
in a way you won't think,
"Oh, all white guys are fucked up."

501
00:36:51,542 --> 00:36:54,253
No. 'Cause they make them individuals.

502
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:58,132
You know,
crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater,

503
00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:00,218
they give you his backstory.

504
00:37:00,301 --> 00:37:02,845
Right? They tell you
where he went to school.

505
00:37:02,929 --> 00:37:04,597
"Oh, he was a loner."

506
00:37:05,139 --> 00:37:08,351
They put a picture up in the news of him
that's so sympathetic.

507
00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:11,062
I'm watching news, I'm like, "Oh, man..."

508
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:13,105
"He shoulda called me."

509
00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:21,697
We need a better publicist.

510
00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:26,494
Yeah, I want a campaign.
A campaign for black people. Right?

511
00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:30,122
How about, like, some billboards
all across the country

512
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:35,670
of black people just doing
fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit?

513
00:37:38,547 --> 00:37:40,383
Just black people just, like, bowling.

514
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:53,980
How about some slogans?
You know, like "Toys for Tots."

515
00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:56,732
How about a good slogan for black people?

516
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:59,068
"Hey, let's get black to business."

517
00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,200
I like that.

518
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,705
Or, maybe, you know,
something environmental,

519
00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:16,043
like show black people just taking out
the recycling can, you know, like...

520
00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:22,091
"We're black, but we're green."

521
00:38:32,852 --> 00:38:34,603
You need a black friend.

522
00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:37,732
Get a black friend,
you'll learn some shit.

523
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:41,319
Like, here's an easy one.
You should know this one.

524
00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:45,281
Never touch a black woman's hair.

525
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:46,782
Yes.

526
00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:47,908
Never...

527
00:38:48,409 --> 00:38:51,329
touch a black woman's hair.

528
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:55,499
I don't give a fuck if she has
a tarantula sitting on her head. You...

529
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:57,752
Let it bite her.

530
00:39:08,512 --> 00:39:11,223
Here's another one.
Here's another one I'll give y'all.

531
00:39:12,725 --> 00:39:14,685
White people, you go and you get a tan.

532
00:39:15,227 --> 00:39:17,688
You get a nice tan, you been on vacation.

533
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:22,401
Do not go back to your job
and go up to your black coworker...

534
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:24,987
"Hey, Denise."

535
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,744
"I'm almost there."

536
00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:36,332
"Hey, girlfriend, I'm almost there."

537
00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:40,378
We hate that shit.

538
00:39:42,296 --> 00:39:46,092
And we secretly wish bad black shit
happens to you when you do it.

539
00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:50,304
"I'm almost there." Mm-hmm.

540
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:52,014
"I hope you get sickle cell."

541
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,069
I know some of y'all are like,
"Well, Wanda, what about black people

542
00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:06,862
who don't have white friends?"

543
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,073
I'm okay with that.

544
00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:17,790
A lot of trust has been broken.

545
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:23,462
But I do encourage them. I do.

546
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:26,715
I say, "Come on, guys,
let's break this up. Come on.

547
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:28,968
Spread out. Open it up a little bit."

548
00:40:29,468 --> 00:40:31,429
You know, I tell them, "Ease into it.

549
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:33,180
Start off with a Puerto Rican."

550
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:43,941
"They're cool. Come on."

551
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,244
Look, I'm learning a lot.

552
00:40:55,327 --> 00:40:58,372
I'm learning a lot from my white family.
I am.

553
00:40:58,873 --> 00:41:01,375
You know? And you know what?

554
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:04,545
Yeah... People always say,
"Because, Wanda, we're all the same."

555
00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:05,713
No, we're not.

556
00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:09,758
We're not all the same. We're different.

557
00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:10,926
But we're equal.

558
00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:13,596
We're different.

559
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:14,972
But we're equal.

560
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,433
And that's the thing.

561
00:41:20,186 --> 00:41:21,812
That's what we have to respect.

562
00:41:22,438 --> 00:41:25,774
Like, I'm learning things from my family.
I'm learning how to play.

563
00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,779
Oh, 'cause black people don't play.

564
00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:35,784
We don't play.

565
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:40,581
Some of the first things
that we were taught as kids, right?

566
00:41:41,207 --> 00:41:42,917
You're over there, acting up.

567
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,587
Your parents tell you,
"Hey, better stop playing.

568
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:51,300
Oh, you think I'm playing with you?

569
00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,680
Keep playing here.
Keep playing, keep playing."

570
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:07,149
Learning how to play.
White people play all the time.

571
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:11,278
Just make up shit.
You don't even know what you're playing.

572
00:42:12,029 --> 00:42:13,280
Just play.

573
00:42:14,031 --> 00:42:15,491
I had to learn this.

574
00:42:15,574 --> 00:42:18,202
Like, we had
a birthday party over the weekend,

575
00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:21,413
so, during the week, you know, there's
still some balloons floating around.

576
00:42:21,497 --> 00:42:24,208
I get up Monday morning,
I'm coming downstairs,

577
00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:29,338
my son takes a balloon, kicks it,
and it hits me right in the face.

578
00:42:30,506 --> 00:42:33,509
First thing I do,
"Boy, you better stop playing."

579
00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:40,516
He laughs, he takes another balloon,
kicks it...

580
00:42:41,016 --> 00:42:42,560
almost knocks my glasses off.

581
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,853
I'm like, "Oh, Lucas,
you think I'm playing with you?

582
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,982
Keep playing with me.
Keep playing with me, hear?"

583
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:49,692
My wife hears me yelling.

584
00:42:49,775 --> 00:42:51,402
She runs into the living room.

585
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:53,445
"Baby, what's the problem?

586
00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,156
Qu€™est-ce qui se passe? Ça va? Ça va?"

587
00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,201
"No. No it's not ça va!"

588
00:43:04,873 --> 00:43:07,334
"You want to know what...
I'll tell you what happened.

589
00:43:07,418 --> 00:43:10,629
Uh, Lucas here just kicked me
in the face..."

590
00:43:10,713 --> 00:43:12,756
And now I'm hearing myself.

591
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:13,924
Uh...

592
00:43:16,885 --> 00:43:19,221
"Uh, Lucas kicked me in the face...

593
00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:21,765
uh, with the balloon, uh...

594
00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:26,604
I haven't had coffee yet, okay? First..."

595
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:37,364
"And he did it twice. Twice. And, uh...

596
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:40,200
And, uh, you know, it was
that little knot part,

597
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:42,202
the knot part on the balloon.

598
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:46,582
You know, that little knot in the balloon?
Yeah, that knot part hit me right...

599
00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:57,760
You... You were playing, huh?
You were playing.

600
00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:01,472
I'm sorry, baby.
I... I didn't know you were playing.

601
00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:03,515
Okay, stop crying. Stop crying.

602
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:05,684
It's okay. All right.

603
00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:08,729
You got to let me know
we're playing or something.

604
00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:10,606
I didn't know, right?"

605
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,317
So then my wife just looked at me
like I was an asshole.

606
00:44:14,985 --> 00:44:18,197
He goes off to school and she's like,
"What is your problem? Why did you..."

607
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,659
I said, "Look, first of all, you need
to take it down a notch, all right?

608
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,662
You ain't gonna be in my face like this,
okay?

609
00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:29,041
And, second of all, I behaved
the way I was supposed to behave, okay?

610
00:44:29,124 --> 00:44:31,085
All right? I'm a black woman, all right?

611
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,087
I come downstairs in my living room

612
00:44:33,170 --> 00:44:35,923
and this little white boy
kicks me in the face."

613
00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:46,725
Just saying.

614
00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,064
But I felt bad. I did feel...

615
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:54,024
I did. I felt bad. I did.

616
00:44:54,108 --> 00:44:55,317
So what I...

617
00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,403
So what I did,
when he came home from school,

618
00:44:57,486 --> 00:45:00,114
I had all the balloons lined up.

619
00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:01,865
Oh, I was ready for his ass.

620
00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:05,285
Soon as he walked in the door,
I was like,

621
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:08,497
"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

622
00:45:08,580 --> 00:45:11,583
You want to play? You want to play?
Boom, boom, boom!"

623
00:45:20,008 --> 00:45:21,468
I took care of him.

624
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:26,974
All kind of shit. All kind of shit.

625
00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:30,310
I'm learning we're different. Yeah.

626
00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:33,897
I was on my way home from, uh...

627
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:37,067
I was on my way home, right?
I'm in the car.

628
00:45:37,151 --> 00:45:40,195
And my wife, she calls me in the car.
She's like, "Babe, uh...

629
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:44,825
on your way home,
uh, could you stop at the pharmacy

630
00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:48,912
and pick up this stuff?
It's called RID. Uh...

631
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:52,791
There's a problem
at the school with the lice

632
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,836
and the kids have the lice."

633
00:45:55,919 --> 00:45:57,504
I'm like, "What? Lice?"

634
00:45:57,588 --> 00:46:03,218
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids have the lice,
I have the lice, you have the lice."

635
00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:04,428
"No, I don't.

636
00:46:05,846 --> 00:46:06,805
No, I don't."

637
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:11,560
"That's some white shit."

638
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:21,612
She's like,
"No, it's a little bug in your hair."

639
00:46:21,695 --> 00:46:23,530
"Mm-mm. No, no, no, no.

640
00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:28,160
We don't do that. I would choke
the shit out of a lice. We don't..."

641
00:46:30,496 --> 00:46:33,749
"That's you and your inferior scalp.
We don't do that."

642
00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:38,545
She's like, "Will you pick it up?"

643
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:42,049
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll pick it up.
And put it in the mailbox."

644
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:50,849
"I ain't coming in that lice-y ass house.
I ain't coming in.

645
00:46:52,601 --> 00:46:54,520
I'll be at Sabrina's. Mm-mm."

646
00:47:01,109 --> 00:47:02,945
Then I thought, "Am I being ignorant?

647
00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:05,656
Maybe I'm being ignorant
about this thing." Right?

648
00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:08,867
So I called my friend, you know,
she has a bunch of kids and stuff.

649
00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:14,832
I was like, "Hey, look, um, have you or
any of your kids ever had a lice issue?"

650
00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:16,750
She went,
"Nah, girl, that's some white shit."

651
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:18,752
I was like, "That's what I thought."

652
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:21,004
That's what I thought."

653
00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:23,507
I knew it. I knew it. Mm-hmm.

654
00:47:24,508 --> 00:47:28,637
I was gonna Google it, but I figured,
no, I knew, knew what I'm talking about.

655
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:29,930
Knew that."

656
00:47:34,601 --> 00:47:37,437
We get different shit,
different stuff. Yeah.

657
00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:42,025
When I was in fifth grade,
I got mononucleosis. Yeah.

658
00:47:42,442 --> 00:47:43,902
Yeah, we had just moved.

659
00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:46,363
White neighborhood.
And I got mononucleosis.

660
00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:50,576
I'm not saying white people gave me
mononucleosis, but... I just got it.

661
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:53,537
But the fun part
was listening to my mother

662
00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:57,040
trying to explain it to her mother. Yeah.

663
00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:59,835
So my mother's on the phone,
like, "Hey, Mama, how you doing?

664
00:47:59,918 --> 00:48:04,506
Look, I'mma need you to come
up here and stay with us for a few weeks.

665
00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:05,716
Wanda's sick.

666
00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:10,387
Hm? Um... She's got mo... Mononu... Hm.

667
00:48:10,971 --> 00:48:13,724
Lord Jesus. Uh, she's got mo...

668
00:48:14,391 --> 00:48:15,976
She's got tuberculosis."

669
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:20,230
"Mm-hmm.

670
00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:25,277
Yeah, she's got the TB. Mm-hmm.

671
00:48:26,778 --> 00:48:29,406
Yeah, no. I got Vicks. I got the Vicks.

672
00:48:30,365 --> 00:48:31,909
I'll put the Vicks on her.

673
00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:33,660
That'll do."

674
00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:38,081
The Vicks. We put Vicks on everything.

675
00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:40,542
Yes.

676
00:48:41,209 --> 00:48:42,377
Love the Vicks.

677
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:47,925
I remember the first time I introduced
Vicks to my little French family.

678
00:48:51,094 --> 00:48:53,680
You would have thought
I poured acid on them.

679
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,690
My daughter had a bad chest cold, right?

680
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:05,776
So...

681
00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:07,653
So I heard the rattling.

682
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,863
She was sleeping,
but I could hear the rattle,

683
00:49:09,947 --> 00:49:12,366
so I was like,
"Oh, Wanda, get your Vicks."

684
00:49:12,449 --> 00:49:13,909
So I got my Vicks.

685
00:49:13,992 --> 00:49:16,078
I go in her bedroom, you know...

686
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:18,664
open up my Vicks.

687
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:24,544
I start putting a little bit on her,
on her chest.

688
00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:26,004
Right? She wakes up...

689
00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:28,924
"Mommy-boo, you're burning me!"

690
00:49:29,007 --> 00:49:31,969
I'm like, "No, no, baby,
it's just Vicks. It's Vicks.

691
00:49:32,052 --> 00:49:33,720
It'll open up the thing."

692
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:38,141
"Maman! Maman, vite, vite! Vite, Maman!
Mommy-boo is burning me."

693
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:40,519
I'm like,
"Olivia, I'm not burning you, sweetheart.

694
00:49:40,602 --> 00:49:42,688
It's just Vicks. It's Vicks VapoRub.

695
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:44,982
It'll open this up."

696
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,525
My wife comes in the room,

697
00:49:46,608 --> 00:49:50,153
"Baby, what is the problem? Oh, my eyes!

698
00:49:50,737 --> 00:49:51,697
Oh!

699
00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:54,825
Baby. Oh.

700
00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:56,994
Olivia...

701
00:49:57,953 --> 00:49:59,997
Ferme les yeux, Olivia.

702
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:03,208
Oh, ferme tes yeux, Olivia.

703
00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:05,544
Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please.

704
00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:08,964
Oh, baby, why are you burning us?
What are you doing?"

705
00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:12,968
I'm like, "It's just Vicks!"

706
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:20,308
"Y'all can't handle Vicks?"

707
00:50:27,899 --> 00:50:28,859
Vicks!

708
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,785
I was so pissed.

709
00:50:39,745 --> 00:50:42,706
I was like, "Y'all have cheese
that's stronger than Vicks."

710
00:50:52,758 --> 00:50:55,302
One of my first trips to Paris, right,

711
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:57,721
I'm at her mother's house,
we're having dinner,

712
00:50:57,804 --> 00:50:59,806
they pass around the cheese plate.

713
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:01,683
"Wanda, tu veux du fromage?"

714
00:51:02,684 --> 00:51:03,935
"Non, merci."

715
00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:14,905
Because I want to know...

716
00:51:15,614 --> 00:51:18,116
who just shit themselves at this table.

717
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,382
So we're just gon' sit here
like this is not happening, huh?

718
00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:41,765
"C'est qui qui fait caca
dans leur pantalon?"

719
00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:43,767
That's what I want to know.

720
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:51,066
Don't make me get up and just go around
check everybody.

721
00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:52,609
Is that what we doing?

722
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:01,076
Different.

723
00:52:01,910 --> 00:52:04,079
But, you know, like, all I'm doing, man,

724
00:52:04,162 --> 00:52:07,082
I'm just trying to, like, raise my kids
like how I was raised.

725
00:52:07,165 --> 00:52:09,709
That's what I'm doing, just raising
my kids like how I was raised.

726
00:52:09,793 --> 00:52:11,586
You know? Yeah.

727
00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:15,882
Didn't turn out so bad. Right?

728
00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:22,222
And, oh, boy, I lotion 'em up good.
You should see 'em. Oh.

729
00:52:23,807 --> 00:52:25,684
They be glistening, man.

730
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:27,686
They hate it.

731
00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:30,730
My wife is like, "Why?
Why all the lotion, the crème?

732
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:31,731
Pourquoi la crème?"

733
00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:34,651
I say, "'Cause I don't
want some little ashy-ass kids."

734
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:44,661
I get their legs, everything.
I lotion 'em up.

735
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,455
They leave the house shiny, boy.

736
00:52:48,373 --> 00:52:50,375
I bet you even little black kids at school

737
00:52:50,458 --> 00:52:53,128
are looking at them like,
"Oh, here come them greasy twins."

738
00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:58,592
"Here come the greasy twins."

739
00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:06,141
We're all different, man.

740
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:08,435
I feel different.

741
00:53:08,518 --> 00:53:10,562
I don't even know who I am anymore.

742
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:12,939
Yeah.

743
00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:15,025
Going through menopause right now.

744
00:53:15,692 --> 00:53:16,902
I'm sorry.

745
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:20,197
Did you say sorry?
Yeah, yeah. It's the worst.

746
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:22,407
Oh, my God, the hot flashes.

747
00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:26,912
Woo. The hot flashes are the worst.
They're crippling.

748
00:53:26,995 --> 00:53:29,122
All of a sudden, you just flop sweat.

749
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,708
Sometimes, I feel like
I'm going to pass out. They're awful.

750
00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:32,667
They're awful.

751
00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:35,212
There's no way in the world
men would put up with hot flashes.

752
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:36,379
No way in the world.

753
00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:39,007
I think if a man had two hot flashes...

754
00:53:39,799 --> 00:53:41,426
they would blow the sun up.

755
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:50,143
You'd go out and they got
the missile pointed to the sun.

756
00:53:50,227 --> 00:53:53,647
"Hey, what are y'all doing?"
"Oh... Bob got hot."

757
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:58,902
"Did you, Bob?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just... poof.

758
00:53:58,985 --> 00:54:02,948
It seemed like it started in my balls
and just my balls got hot and just...

759
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:04,115
Poof.

760
00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:05,742
It was awful.

761
00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:09,496
We're gonna turn that off."

762
00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:10,914
"Cool it down.

763
00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:12,832
Cool it down."

764
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:17,128
What the hell?

765
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:19,005
I mean, ladies, come on. What kind...

766
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:22,384
We got a shitty hand
that we were dealt, right?

767
00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,011
Is it a design flaw? What the fuck?

768
00:54:26,179 --> 00:54:28,974
Okay, so let me get this straight.
This is our plight, right?

769
00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:31,893
Okay, so when you're young,
you're fertile,

770
00:54:31,977 --> 00:54:34,980
you're producing eggs, you're bringing
life into the world, right?

771
00:54:35,063 --> 00:54:36,690
You're bringing life into the world.

772
00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:39,609
And then you get older, no more eggs.

773
00:54:39,693 --> 00:54:42,070
You can't bring any more life
into the world...

774
00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:44,823
so they just set you on fire.

775
00:54:57,669 --> 00:54:59,129
What kind of shit is that?

776
00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:09,973
You know, I've always said, you know what,
the older I get, the less I care.

777
00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:13,727
But you know what?
There's science behind that.

778
00:55:14,436 --> 00:55:16,688
There's science behind that. Yeah.

779
00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:21,526
Because, when you're young, right,
your body is producing estrogen.

780
00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:25,864
Now, estrogen, that's that hormone
that makes you compassionate,

781
00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:27,490
makes you empathetic.

782
00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:31,369
Makes you say sorry
all the damn time for no reason.

783
00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:35,582
Ladies, you know how many times
we say sorry for no reason?

784
00:55:35,665 --> 00:55:37,667
Like, even when it's not your fault.

785
00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:39,085
Like, you're at the grocery store,

786
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:41,671
somebody runs into your ankle
with the grocery cart

787
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:44,883
and you're like, "Ooh, ooh, sorry,
my ankle was in your way."

788
00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:54,476
That's that estrogen.

789
00:55:55,185 --> 00:55:56,686
And then, when you get older...

790
00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:59,522
it drastically reduces.

791
00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:02,233
You're not producing estrogen
like that anymore.

792
00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:07,739
Yeah. So it's not the older you get,
the less you care.

793
00:56:07,822 --> 00:56:09,449
It's the older you get,

794
00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:11,701
you're just becoming a man.

795
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,503
That's why you don't give a fuck.

796
00:56:24,672 --> 00:56:26,633
And becoming a man indeed.

797
00:56:26,716 --> 00:56:27,801
Oh, my God.

798
00:56:28,718 --> 00:56:31,388
If I go four days without tweezing...

799
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:39,229
...I could have a nice situation
going on right here.

800
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:46,403
The other day, I pulled a hair
out of my neck that was so long...

801
00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:48,780
I thought my neck was growing bangs.

802
00:56:48,863 --> 00:56:50,949
I was like, "What the fuck is this?

803
00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:52,659
Ah!

804
00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:55,286
How long has this been here?

805
00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:58,998
I can see it out the corner of my eye.

806
00:56:59,791 --> 00:57:00,750
Ah!"

807
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,470
My metabolism just shut down.

808
00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:17,517
Oh, my God.
I got a nice gut going on. Ugh.

809
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:19,811
Yeah, Esther is out of control.

810
00:57:20,895 --> 00:57:23,356
Woo!

811
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:27,610
Yes, I call her Esther.

812
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:30,447
When I was in my forties,
I got this little fat roll.

813
00:57:30,530 --> 00:57:32,574
I just named it. That was Esther.

814
00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:35,243
And now Esther is spreading.

815
00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:38,121
Esther is roaming around my body.

816
00:57:38,204 --> 00:57:40,165
Esther's all creeping
around my back, like,

817
00:57:40,248 --> 00:57:43,918
"Mm, what's back here?
Let's see what's back here.

818
00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:46,171
Hey."

819
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:54,721
And she wants to eat everything. You know?

820
00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:58,516
And, you know, when you get older,
your digestive system changes.

821
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:02,145
I can't eat a bunch of junk,
like greasy food and shit like that.

822
00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:04,230
That'd tear me up. But Esther's...

823
00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:06,608
We sitting there watching TV,
commercials come on,

824
00:58:06,691 --> 00:58:08,651
and Esther's like, "Mmm.

825
00:58:10,278 --> 00:58:15,074
Let's live a little. Let's go get
some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries."

826
00:58:16,701 --> 00:58:20,121
I was like, "Ain't no way in the world
I can eat some Nacho Fries."

827
00:58:20,955 --> 00:58:22,790
If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries,

828
00:58:22,874 --> 00:58:26,002
I would have to eat them
in the parking lot of the urgent care.

829
00:58:42,018 --> 00:58:44,687
I caught my wife
eyeballing Esther the other day.

830
00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:48,983
That didn't feel good at all.

831
00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:54,239
We were getting ready for bed,
you know, brushing our teeth.

832
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:55,532
You know, brushing my teeth.

833
00:58:55,615 --> 00:58:56,824
I've got an electric toothbrush

834
00:58:56,908 --> 00:59:00,912
and the jiggling from brushing my teeth
just kind of...

835
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:04,290
resonated on down, so Esther was just...

836
00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:14,592
And I saw my wife look over like...

837
00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:18,638
I was like, "Uh-oh, uh-oh."

838
00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:20,473
But it's okay.
Esther can't stand her either.

839
00:59:20,557 --> 00:59:23,935
Esther was like, "What the fuck
you looking at, Frenchie?"

840
00:59:28,481 --> 00:59:31,568
"Don't worry, one day,
you gonna get a little Estelle.

841
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:33,486
Bonjour, Estelle."

842
00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:38,533
It's the worst.

843
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:42,620
Whiskers, weight gain, hot flashes.

844
00:59:43,204 --> 00:59:44,747
I know, one day, TMZ,

845
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,208
they're going to catch me
standing in the frozen food section

846
00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:50,295
with no pants on and a full beard.

847
00:59:55,466 --> 00:59:56,968
But I won't give a fuck.

848
00:59:59,470 --> 01:00:01,764
I'll be like, "My balls were hot."

849
01:00:10,189 --> 01:00:12,400
But, you know, there's help, you know.

850
01:00:12,483 --> 01:00:15,862
There's a solution. Like, a lot of women,
they just take the estrogen.

851
01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:17,363
Just take the hormone.

852
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:19,282
But, see, I can't take the estrogen.

853
01:00:19,365 --> 01:00:22,660
I can't take the hormone because of
the type of breast cancer I had. Yeah.

854
01:00:23,202 --> 01:00:25,622
But the irony of it all is like when...

855
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:27,123
You know, because I curse and stuff.

856
01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:32,378
When people say to me, "Hey, Wanda, would
it kill you to be a little more ladylike?"

857
01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:33,379
I go,

858
01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:34,714
"Yes."

859
01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:37,383
"It would."

860
01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:45,433
"It really would."

861
01:00:49,395 --> 01:00:51,105
I'm snoring now.

862
01:00:51,898 --> 01:00:53,524
That's different, yep.

863
01:00:53,608 --> 01:00:54,484
Snoring.

864
01:00:55,109 --> 01:00:58,613
You know, my wife, boy,
God bless her, putting up with it.

865
01:00:58,696 --> 01:01:01,866
You know, 'cause, at first, it started off
with just some deep breathing, you know.

866
01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:04,410
Just like...

867
01:01:07,538 --> 01:01:08,915
And then it quickly escalated to...

868
01:01:21,886 --> 01:01:23,346
How do I know?

869
01:01:23,429 --> 01:01:25,306
Because my wife records it.

870
01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:33,606
That doesn't feel good.
That doesn't feel good.

871
01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:35,400
Yeah.

872
01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:37,110
'Cause, you know, like, during the day,

873
01:01:37,193 --> 01:01:40,655
I'll get, like, a text message
from my wife with an audio file.

874
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:42,573
And I get all excited.

875
01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:44,784
I'm like, "Oh, my baby loves me.
She even..."

876
01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:01,384
It's bad.

877
01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,595
'Cause, you know,
you wake up in the middle of the night

878
01:02:04,679 --> 01:02:06,055
and she's out of the bed.

879
01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,599
I'm like, "Uh-oh."
I got to go look for her.

880
01:02:08,683 --> 01:02:10,893
Like, "Ooh, did she leave me this time?
What's going on?"

881
01:02:12,311 --> 01:02:15,815
"Oh, no, okay, she's over there with
the kids. All right, okay. Cool, cool."

882
01:02:15,898 --> 01:02:18,985
Yeah. You know, she wears the earplugs,
and that doesn't help.

883
01:02:19,068 --> 01:02:20,570
So she was like, "You know what, babe?

884
01:02:20,653 --> 01:02:26,159
I think maybe if I take, like, some Ambien
or something, that could help."

885
01:02:26,242 --> 01:02:28,703
I'm like, "No, no, no.
You can't take Ambien,

886
01:02:28,786 --> 01:02:30,413
because, you know, those drugs,

887
01:02:30,496 --> 01:02:34,000
you'll wake up and do things
you don't even know you're doing.

888
01:02:34,083 --> 01:02:36,002
You know, like suffocating me to death."

889
01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:45,678
I don't want to wake up
chewing on a pillow.

890
01:02:45,762 --> 01:02:47,930
Or she's shoving Vicks down my throat.
Argh!

891
01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:58,441
So I was like,
"Let me check with my doctor."

892
01:02:58,524 --> 01:03:01,611
So I went to the doctor. I was like,
you know, "I got to do something, man.

893
01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:03,154
I got to do something about this."

894
01:03:03,237 --> 01:03:07,617
And he was like, "Well, you know, first,
you got to lose some weight, Wanda."

895
01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:10,411
And Esther was like,
"Fuck you, I want some Nacho Fries!"

896
01:03:12,497 --> 01:03:14,624
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

897
01:03:21,005 --> 01:03:24,592
And he goes, "You know what?
You could stop drinking."

898
01:03:29,305 --> 01:03:30,515
"What else you got?"

899
01:03:36,354 --> 01:03:38,147
And he goes, "You know what, Wanda?

900
01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:40,483
I want to test you for sleep apnea.

901
01:03:40,566 --> 01:03:42,777
I want to test you for sleep apnea,

902
01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:46,155
because
judging from the recordings, uh..."

903
01:03:49,408 --> 01:03:51,953
"Oh, man, that's fucked up."

904
01:03:53,246 --> 01:03:55,206
He said,
"Yeah, I think you have sleep apnea."

905
01:03:55,289 --> 01:03:58,167
So I'm like, "No, no,
I don't want to take that test,

906
01:03:58,251 --> 01:04:01,045
because if, uh, I have sleep apnea,

907
01:04:01,128 --> 01:04:03,798
then you're going to put me
on one of those CPAP machines."

908
01:04:03,881 --> 01:04:05,299
I said, "I can't do that.

909
01:04:05,383 --> 01:04:08,010
You know, my wife
is ten years younger than I am.

910
01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:12,515
I can't be in the bed with a fucking
Darth Vader mask on. You know?

911
01:04:13,933 --> 01:04:16,310
Looking like an astronaut or shit.
I can't..."

912
01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,482
You know, I said, "It's bad enough
I'm already in the bed, you know...

913
01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:26,112
hot flashes with a gut
and a beard coming in."

914
01:04:30,074 --> 01:04:33,244
"Now you want me in the bed
with that mask on?"

915
01:04:59,812 --> 01:05:01,606
"Do you want to sit on my face?"

916
01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:07,486
Thank you, New York!

917
01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:10,239
Yes!

918
01:05:11,198 --> 01:05:12,491
Thank you.

919
01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:25,338


920
01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:54,367
Oy vey, use your knees, Page.
Come on, push it.