unbelievably silly john/karkat peanutbutter sperm john dies

“NGGGGGHHHHHHH”

It was kind of funny, John thought. Karkat was almost always loud, and was usually creative with his words. Like Rose, only loud, and sweary. The thought of Rose caused the buck-toothed teen to choke a little, before pushing the image out of his mind and focusing. What was he thinking about again?

“OH GOD.”

Oh! Right. Karkat. Normally he was loud, but any time John actually got down to…er, business with him, he seemed to run out of words rather quickly. It was an endearing trait, and one that only made it more appealing for John to take advantage of Karkat’s brooding moods by giving the hapless troll a good cuddling.

Still, relationships wouldn’t improve by theirselves, and John had decided to give his co-friendleader a celebratory surprise blowjob in honor of him willingly wearing the clothes Kanaya had made the past weekend. Thus, he was kneeling down in front of Karkat, gently yet firmly taking in his oddly-shaped phallus.

Suddenly, the world seemed to slow down for John. As Karkat gave a cry of ecstasy, John’s mouth was filled with a thick, mushy fluid. It was a few brief seconds of awe and confusion before, with a sudden gasp, john realized what had just happened.

Karkat had jizzed peanut butter.

Panicking, he threw himself backwards, staring wide-eyed at Karkat. There was a twitching sensation, and reflexively his hand flew to his throat.

“HOLY SHIT JOHN, HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT SHOWN ME THIS SORT OF…JOHN. JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

Before John could answer, the door opened, and Jade came tumbling into the room. “Hey, Karkat, have you seen-oh! John, there you are!”

Karkat, now blushing a furious candy red, sputtered indignantly for a moment. A perplexed Jade glanced at him, before her eyes lowered and she fell against the wall with a squeak. “Oh fuck!”

“OH FUCK IS RIGHT YOU CAUSTIC SMEAR OF ACIDIC GRUBCRUST” yelled Karkat, glaring venomous daggers at the now-blushing girl. “TRY FUCKING KNOCKING NEXT TIME.”

“Sorry! I didn’t…John, what are you doing?” Karkat turned to follow Jade’s glance; his eyes rested on John, who seemed to be whipping his head back and forth and gripping his throat. “Are you okay, John?”

“WHAT, THAT ISN’T NORMAL?” Karkat stared in disbelief at the derpy boy, who was now on the floor, legs kicking into the air as his face slowly turned red. “WAS IT REALLY THAT FUCKING BAD?”

Jade gave another squeak. “You…you guys did it? Oh, wow, congratulations, I…” Her happiness was cut off by a slowly-growing look of horror on her face. “Karkat…oh nooooo, Karkat, let me see your junk!”

“WHAT.”

“Just do it!!!” Before he had a chance to argue, she violently ripped the blanket off of Karkat’s lap, revealing his wang. “Oh my god, Karkat, did you…” She leaned down slightly, sniffing, before springing to her feet in a panic. “Oh fuck you pissed peanut butter into John?!? He’s allergic to peanuts you fuckass!!!!”

Karkat gave the teen his best “what the fuck am I looking at” face. “JADE, WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ALLERGIC?!”

John, who had been flailing on the floor, took this moment to let out a deep, wheezing gasp. As he bent his torso upwards in a pained attempt to stand, there was a sickening pop as his left eyeball ruptured, sending a stream of blood running down his face. Said face was now tinged with blue, and his motions were becoming more wild.

“Quick, get the needle thing!”

“WHAT NEEDLE THING?!” Karkat was now fully alert, and glanced around the room, not paying any mind to his still-freely-hanging willy.

“The needle thing he has for if he accidentally ingests a peanut! I don’t know the name of it, fuck!”

“THIS?!” Karkat reached into a small bag on the shelf, withdrawing a tube of clear liquid tipped with a small needle. Without waiting for a reply, he grabbed John by the neck, hauled him to his feet, and rammed the needle into his mouth.

“Noooo stop you’re making it worse!!!!!” Jade flew up to him and grabbed the needle, wrenching it out of John’s throat and letting fly a spray of peanut butter and blood.

“THATS WHERE THE PROBLEM IS ISN’T IT?!” screamed Karkat.

“You’re supposed to stick it in his leg!!” yelled Jade.

“GHLABHALRRKALHB” went John, who had fallen back on the floor and was now a strange shade of purple, blood dripping from both of his ears and his ruined eye.

“FUCK.” said Karkat, as he fell to a sitting position, tore off John’s pants, and jabbed the needle into his thigh. “OK, NOW WHAT?”

“Now he should stop freaking out and get better!”

In response, John flopped onto his front, back arched into the air. There was a faint cracking sound, and he rolled back onto his side, before his intact eye popped out of his head with a spray of pressurized blood. John suddenly shot into an upright sitting position, let out a mighty “GBLLHLHLLKKHLLLLBLLL”, and vomited foam before his entire head exploded in a torrent of bile and blood. He teetered upright for a moment, peanut butter spurting from his neck, before he collapsed in a pile and died.

“Oh fuck!” said Jade.

“OH FUCK.” said Karkat.

John was too dead to contribute to the conversation.

Later that day, as Jade and Karkat set fire to the dumpster containing what was left of John’s body, John walked up to the two of them. “Hi, Karkat!” he said, a goofy smile on his face.

Karkat stared at him. “WHAT THE FUCK.”

“I got better!” said John triumphantly.

“Oh, thats good!” Jade exclaimed before hugging John. As she broke away, she turned to Karkat and huffed. “No more letting him suck your nuts, okay?”

Karkat frowned. “CAN I STILL SUCK HIS?”

“Of course!” John and Jade said at the same time, smiling brightly.

Later that evening, Karkat was hospitalized due to recently-discovered semen allergies.