Best Church Evarh 0.3- Greentext

>You finally decided to attend the service at the Church of the Fallen God, the Priests are relentlessly friendly and have even dragged you into doing charity work. Everyone in the moderately sized room is bare-ass naked, if you don't count chains as clothing. Because "all are equal in the eyes of the Fallen God". They sing the hymns in a weird guttural language that make the edges of your vision turn gray. Sister Agnes, the Dark Priest who looks five times sexier than anyone who has that name has a right to, has been holding your hand throughout the hymn. She insisted that you stand at the front of the service. One of her hands clings tenaciously to yours, the other holds a grizzled but durable hymnal that she is helpfully holding in front of you. The words twist restlessly on the page whenever you actually look at it. The unnatural singing stops.
>"Now for the holy unction of our Masters of the 5th Circle.", says the chorus leader in a far too excited tone. Sister Agnes shudders and clenches your hand even more tightly as a pair of Priests step forward. They are both naked and their tails encircled with chains. The large cooking pot that they carry could probably feed a small congregation of people if filled with food. You vaguely hope that it's not food, as food shouldn't give off a pale greenish glow that can illuminate a medium sized room. They sit the pot down reach their arms into it and start quickly and efficiently covering themselves in the contents, a thick green transparent paste. After covering their entire bodies in in a layer of it, they start walking through the congregation, oiling up the members. The reek of the paste is cloying, the room is filled with the scent of rhubarb and the taste of trying to juggle 5 knives. Knowing what juggling tastes like wasn't mentioned in the pamphlet, and the very delicious free cookies and tea were surely not worth this shit. Your mind races as the goo-coating ushers slowly work their way towards you. You've decided to "go to the bathroom" and never come back, maybe even change villages. At your decision, you feel a tapping on your thigh. Looking down you see your erection, which has been diamond hard ever since the first hymn. It is tapping itself on your thigh as if to get your attention, then it shifts up as if looking at you.

"Yo dawg, you will not fuck this up for me.", says a new but deeply familiar voice in your head. Despite never consciously noticing it before, you recognize it as the voice of your penis. It's voice sounds much deeper than you expected. "I'm gonna be up in that ass like some kinda freako farmer, my nig. She's hard up for it, yo.", it continues. You watch horrified as it slaps itself against Sister Agnes' thigh.
>"Ay bitch, tell this chump that I'm gonna be stuffin all ya holes like a Wintermas turkey.", continues your oldest friend. Agnes looks down and hums happily in agreement with it. She holds your hand tightly, looks you dead in the eye and says something about how all paths and orifices are holy to the Fallen God. Her cheerful smile and manner are eerily similar to the time when she spent half an hour trying to get you to join her in passing out sandwiches to orphans and mending clothing for widows. Or the three hours you spent actually doing each of those things, no one could pretend to be ecstatic over feeding orphans for hours. This bitch is crazy, but not in a bad way.
>"Yeah, but we still gonna hit that.", says your penis. You look down and nod at it. Agnes actually squees happily and whispers assurances that you can feel free to bite her as hard as you like while giving her the holy sleeve job. You tune out her excited rambling as the ushers oil you both up. In the midst of your excitement, you can't help but wonder, what the fuck is a Sleeve Job?