March of the Fluffies - Alicorns

Vanner, July 8, 2014; 12:10 / FB 23577
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March of the Fluffies: Alicorns

>Yesterday was your fluffy's first birthday, so you held a party with all of her fluffy friends.
>With only three dead and six unwanted "spechaw huggies!", you count your fluffy's birthday party as a rousing success.
>She's still wearing her party hat as you settle in for some quality entertainment.
>The account opens with dozens of fluffy ponies glancing nervously around a crowded convention hall, swarmed over by hundreds of people.
>On the forehead of every fluffy is an elegant horn, and upon their backs a pair of feathered wings
>The camera pans across the convetion hall as the velveteen voice of Morgan Freeman pours through your speakers like brandy from a cask.
>"The celebration of Fluffy pony reaches its apex here at the American Alicorn Association Annual Expo."
>"Breeders and enthusiasts of this very special breed of fluffy pony gather every year to swap stories, breed fluffies and celebrate their treasured pets."
>"Tonight, on March of the Fluffies, the pinnacle of fluffy pony, the majestic and beautiful alicorn."
>"Spaghetti Warehouse presents… March of the Fluffies."
>Cue montage of fluffies drowning, walking off cliffs, pummeling each other with ineffective, marshmallow like hooves.
>The scene fades and comes back to a pristine laboratory where cloning tanks of fluffies line the walls.
>"In this laboratory" says Morgan Freeman,"something unexpected and miraculous is about to occur."
>In the middle of it all, a screeching pegasus fluffy is giving birth to a little of babies.
>The first foals to tumble from the mare are your usual assortment of earthies, pegasi and unicorns, but the last one, slightly smaller than the rest, has both horn and wings.
>The scientists look at teach for a perplexed moment of as the mother examines each of her babies.
>"Bwown babbeh is Bwownies, bwue hown babbeh is Bwuebeww, gweenie wingie babbeh is umm… Gweenie…"
>She finally comes to the tiny, chirping alicorn foal.
>"Dummeh ugly munsta babbeh dun get no name!" she says at last before lifting him hoof. "Bad babbeh git biggest owies!"
>It's then that the scientists swoops in and grabs the white foal from beneath her smushing hoof.
>Even as fragile and weak as fluffies are, the foals don't stand a chance against an angry mother.
>The scientists look over the chirping alicorn for a few minutes, taking measurements and readings before beginning to feed it from a bottle.
>"We tried to make alicorns before," says a bespectacled female scientist. You recognize her as Dr. Stein, your fluffy's vet.
>The camera transitions to grotesquely misshapen fluffies, twice the size of a normally fluffy, with wings and horns appearing at random parts of the body like some kind of Lovecraftian horror.
>They mewl and beg for death as they try to drag themselves along the floor with half a dozen gangly wing like structures.
>"But the protiens for encoding both horns and wings went horribly wrong, and design specs were scaled back to the more successful pegasus, earthie, and unicorn fluffies."
>"It was by sheer chance that our test mother gave birth to a live alicorn foal," she continues. "But it turns out that it wasn't only her mother who would reject her."
>The scene transitions back to a daycare center where other fluffies are cowering in fear from an alicorn fluffy that stands nearly six inches taller than them.
>"Pwincess wan be fwiend!" she sobs. "Pwinces wuv fwuffy fwiends!"
>"Go way, musta fwuffy!" shrieks a brown earth fluffy from the crowd. "Musta fwuffy uwgy! An dummeh! And… ugwy!"
>The white alicorn goes off by herself to sob in the corner as the other fluffies continue their play.
>"While life was difficult for the alicorn," says Morgan Freeman, "her intelligence and beauty garnered her a special place n the scientists heart."
>The next scene is of two alicorns, one an imposing black male and the other Princess as she lies on the floor of the kennel about to give birth.
>"Purely by luck, another alicorn foal was born," says Mr. Freeman. "This one a male, and black as coal dust, and as loyal as any dog to walk this earth."
>Scientists wait quietly as the litter of multicolored foals breath their first breath, and begin chirping for their mother's milk.
>"It seems that alicorns bred true, and with that revelation, Hasbio knew that it had an important product line on its hands."
>"You cannot imagine how relieved we were when the alicorns came out," says an grey haired man in a blue suit.
>"Thanks to Prince and Princess, we could create the Celestia fluffies and Luna fluffies and Twilight fluffies that people really, really wanted."
>He pushes up his glasses and points to a handsomely framed picture of Prince and Princess, older but smiling as dozen or so fully grown alicorns played around them.
>The picture fades to a recorded interview with Princess.
>"Pwincess wuv bein' mummah," she says. "I have saddies when babbehs go 'way, buh Pwincess know dat dey go to gud mummahs and daddehs."
>"Pwince wuv babbehs too," says the black Alicorn stallion. "Pwince so pwod of babbehs dat know cowaws and numbahs. Dey so smawt! Wuv smawtie babbehs!"
>The scene changes to a news report which has been replayed a thousand times over.
>"We had them on lock down," says the older man again. "Which Prince and Princess didn't mind, so when the PETA breakout occurred, the alicorns didn't get out with the rest of them."
>Cue montage of fluffies terrorizing the streets, getting pancaked under cars, and generally being destroyed by the world at large.
>"With the collapse of the bio-toy market, we simply stopped breeding alicorns," says the man.
>"Prince and Princess lived out a happy life together, and we all assumed that it would be the end of them."
>"But enterprising breeders weren't about to be outdone by Hasbio," says Morgan Freeman.
>Transition to a pair of shimmering violet eyes that giggle and scamper away from the camera to reveal a pink fluffy alicorn.
>"Oh my god," says the weary man as a half a dozen alicorns nap around him.
>"I went through so many damn fluffies just to get ONE alicorn. I'd have to knock up a hundred mares to get one, and then she'd foal in the middle of the night just to squish the poor thing."
>"But I managed to figure it out," he says. "Only certain lines give you a chance of an alicorn foal, and it's about one in fifty fluffies that carry the gene."
>"If both parents have the gene, you've got a fifty-fifty shot per litter of getting one alicorn. So many foals to mulch…"
>"Wha muwch mean, daddeh?" asks your fluffy.
>"Uh, they were bad babbies," you reply. "Bad babies get sorry mulchings."
>"Nu wan sowwy muwching," repeats your fluffy as she goes back to the show."
>"Once you've got them though," says the farmer, "you'll never want another fluffy."
>The scene moves to a bunch of alicorns playing with magnetic letters and stacking letter blocks in order.
>"They don’t' cry, they work together, they're smart, funny, and they love people without fail," says the farmer. "They're like children that never grow up. Not like fluffies, who are like toddlers that only get meaner as they get older."
>"And you never get smarties," he says. "They seem to want to work together, with or without people."
>"But alicorn fluffies aren't just the progeny of Prince and Princess. Others have come from sordid basement experiments, much to the detriment of their component fluffies."
>You cover your fluffy's eyes as a montage of horrific surgeries flash on the screen.
>Horns and wings are slapped on to screeching fluffies as their donors sob and convulse in the background.
>"Yeah, they don't breed true," says the blood covered 'surgeon,' "but they're a hell of a lot cheaper than a purebred, prissy ass alicorn fluffy."
>"And once you take a tazer to their heads they don't know they didn't always have the wings and horns. Fluffy's are retarded and stapling a horn to their head doesn't make them any smarter."
>The scene transitions to an ancient alicorn fluffy, its greying fluff almost overwhelming the patchwork color scheme of blue legs, orange body, and green head.
>"What we see here is one of the first artificially created alicorns," says Morgan Freeman. "Fluffy lore says the he brought lessons of civilization to the fluffies a decade ago, but that his lessons came at the price of a million fluffy lives."
>He sits quietly atop a hill looking down upon a herd of wild alicorns that seem to be digging into the earth with their horns and hooves.
>Others are weaving long grasses together to form primitive baskets for carrying food, and still others are foraging in the nearby meadow for grass to bring back to the herd.
>"Awicown fwuffys awe so mush smawtew den weguaw fwuffies," says the ancient alicorn.
>"Dey wisten, dey unnastan, they weawn dat they nu need hoomans to suwvive in da wiwd."
>"So maneh fwuffies nu unnastan dat hoomans gif biggest owies to aww fwuffies, an dat to be safe, dey must weave hooman wands and find nu pwaces to wive."
>You swear you've never seen a fluffy look wistful before as he stares out at the herd below.
>"Other fwuffies awe dummehs compawed to awicowns, and dats why dey awe best fwuffies. Dey nu haf smawties, nu angwy wif fwuffies, and dey wuv each otha wike dey aww big famiwy."
>"Buh awicorns can be meanies too," he says as his smile is replaced by a thousand yard stare.
>The scene shifts to two alicorns quietly following a herd of regular fluffies.
>"Dis smawty wand now!" the fluffy yells at no one in particular and the fluffies begin to feast on the grass.
>Unseen behind the herd, a few alicorns watch as attendants roll a bloated dame over to patch of grass.
>"With so few of them in the wild," says Morgan Freeman, "fluffy alicorns will often stalk regular herds, waiting to add to their numbers."
>"Big Poopies!" shrieks the mare.
>The attendants are by her side in a moment, giving her hugs to help squeeze out the foals.
>Meanwhile, the alicorns watch unseen as the young fall to the ground in a chirping pile.
>Sure enough, an alicorn is among the babies, and the mother recoils in disgust.
>"Bad babeh!" she says. "Dummeh, ugwy munsta babeh get biggest owies!"
>It's only a second before the alicorns are on top of the mare, beating her into the ground with their dense leather hooves.
>The male alicorn brings his hoof down on the mare's throat with a horrifying thump.
>She struggles, flailing in a useless panic at the alicorn's hoof crushing her throat.
>It's only a moment before she goes limp, and another before the alicorns disappear back into the wilderness.
>The herd erupts into chaos and scatters away from the dead mare, leaving the pile of foals to die next to their mother.
>It's not long before the bodies all disappear into the woods, taken by wild animals to feed their own young.
>But there's one foal missing still.
>It lies safe in the fluff of a nursing alicorn.
>"Dawing wuv nu babbeh," she says. "Gud babbeh. Mummah wuv you."
>The camera pulls out to reveal Morgan Freeman sitting atop the hill, having a snack with a few abnormal fluffy breeds.
>A spider fluff, an alicorn, a garden fluffy, and a fluffalo all babble quietly to each other as Morgan Freeman watches.
>"Rejection from fluffy pony society has given alicorns a supremacists view on fluffy ponies," says Mr. freeman.
>"They are smarter, and they are stronger than their brethren, yet they love and cherish all those other breeds that fluffies would consider monsters."
>"Perhaps we could learn a lesson from the alicorns," he says. "Perhaps, there's hope for fluffies yet."
>"Join us next week when we discover a new breed of fluffy pony."
>"Here, on March of the Fluffies."