[info]olive
2019-07-17 01:48 pm (local) (link) Track This
you and me? we were never tricky.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 01:49 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
no, not us. just...everything else in general right now and that is unfortunately going to bleed into this. you're important to me and...everyone knows that.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 01:57 pm (local) (link) Track This
well i don't think beth or shane like it. i don't know. i don't care about either of them, i care about you.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 01:58 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
and i care about you, too. and i don't give a fuck about shane right now, honestly. but...i would like for you and beth to get along. i mean, i'm not saying you guys have to be best friends but you guys are important to me.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:03 pm (local) (link) Track This
well you know what? she'd have to make an effort. because i've talked to her over and over in her custom in her journal and tried to be nice, and she is short and vague and/or doesn't reply. now, today, she comes 'round for a custom and i get excited and it's just to bring up the shane stuff? and why didn't she know shane had backed out already -didn't you tell her?
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 02:05 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
no, olive. i didn't get a chance to so my apologies for that. i'm sorry that you feel attacked but, i don't think that was her intentions at all. i can...talk to her if you want? i'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding and it's...i don't know.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:08 pm (local) (link) Track This
no, please forget i said anything. if you say that i came to you she'll probably think that i'm just going to run to you with everything. you saw our whole conversation, she can think what she wants about me and shane and my "friendship" with him, and for all i care so can you.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 02:09 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
olive but, i really don't think she thinks anything negative. i think this is just a misunderstanding that can be worked out.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:10 pm (local) (link) Track This
that's what i'm saying - i left her that last comment saying you're my best friend and i don't really talk to shane. the ball's in her court. i'm not hunting this chick down to justify myself or anything to her.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 02:12 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
and you don't have to. no one is asking you to...
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:12 pm (local) (link) Track This
so it's all fine, like i said.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 02:13 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
apparently it's fucking not.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:14 pm (local) (link) Track This
what am i supposed to say?
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 02:15 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
what you're feeling, olive. stop telling me it's fine when it's not. i want to fix this.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:24 pm (local) (link) Track This
i'm feeling like everything has changed between you and. i feel like you treat me differently because how you feel about me. i feel like beth has a certain vibe about me because of that and that's not a new feeling, it's just come to a head today with the fact that i was an idiot who thought she just actually wanted to be friendly with me. you and beth have your thing now. i fit into your life, we had all these things we felt for each other and wanted to do together and when i got into it with brandon i tried really hard to make sure you felt included and that you were still so important to me. and i feel replaced, beau. i feel like beth is your world now, she takes care of ruby and all you want to do is see her and get wrapped in her and i don't blame you - i know that feeling and i get it. and i've been trying to just let you have that and be patient and i was actually excited at the idea of dinner with you and beth and shane, because i thought it would bring us together and be a GOOD experience. but your friends are immature, and i'm talking about both of them. they can't even be in the same room together? grow UP. the only reason i'm in the middle of this is because shane and beth are behaving the way they are behaving, NOT because of you. and i know what you have on your plate, i'm not oblivious. i know that you have so much going on and so many people in your life and it's okay if i have to step back and not expect to be such a prominent person, i can do that. i'll do whatever you want, but i don't want to feel like i don't even deserve to be here.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 02:24 pm (local) (link) Track This
this is so stupid. i'm just being a baby and i'm really angry and childish about it right now.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 02:36 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
i don't think she was trying to be unfriendly, olive. i think...she was trying to fix a situation herself. maybe it wasn't the best way or the smartest way but i don't think she has a negative thought about you. i think this situation is negative and it's impacting how we're all behaving about it and we need to not let it get that way because...i want us all around each other. i really do. but...i don't think it's necessarily dramatic of them to be uncomfortable to be around each other right now. it wasn't a healthy relationship. yes, they're young. and yes, maybe a little immature at times but, this is a tough situation that even i was feeling a little uneasy about but that's mostly because of my own involvement in it. you can't just...expect people to get over shit like that. it's not easy and i know you know that.

and i'm sorry. i'm sorry that you feel pushed out, i never want you to feel that way. i think, subconsciously, i needed to take that step back. after i got mad over the bed, i realized how deep into those feelings i was. so deep that i got angry over a gift from two people who are genuinely kind and would never do anything to hurt me. i love you, olive. i really honestly do but...i can't love you. do you understand that? it was painful for me to watch you with him and that upset me because i had no right to be angry. you found someone who cares for you so deeply and i had no right to be mad. i didn't like being that jealous, awful person. and i don't want to be that person. it would have been so easy to go on day trips and movie nights and all those things and trick myself into thinking that everything was fine and that you loved me like i loved you but that would be a lie and it wouldn't be fair to you. it wouldn't be fair to me. i just...i don't even know.

you deserve to be there. you deserve to be in my life and i want you in my life and i'm sorry that i've fucked up everything and i'm sorry that i keep...taking shit on. i don't want you to feel like you deserve to be on a back burner, because you don't. i'm just trying to learn to balance it all and it's hard and i'm not good at it and i'm making it harder on myself by hiding things but, i just....i'm trying, olive.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 03:55 pm (local) (link) Track This
i am sure you're right. but i don't expect people to just get over shit, and i never said or implied that i did. i understand you want to defend her but you don't have to. she just replied to me with "oh, okay..." so, i don't know. i don't think that beth is a bad person or that she's even being shitty on purpose. i feel like she's uncomfortable with me (and of course with shane) and that's making...me uncomfortable and upset and all the other feelings are bubbling up because of it.

i guess i don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. i have a lot of feelings about brandon and my relationship with him and i feel like i can't talk to you about any of it freely. even when i tried to explain my insecurities to you, you kind of bit my head off and i have felt even more like i can't...talk about him to you. i can't be excited about him because it hurts you and i can't be upset about him because i'm just crapping on something perfect, in your eyes. it's really tough because i felt like you were that person for me to talk to, or that you would be. and i'm sorry if my expectations weren't fair. but i didn't know that not...dating you...would mean that i'd lose those things that we were supposed to be looking forward to doing together.

you haven't fucked everything up. i'm not used to feeling this close to someone, i don't let people in like this. i'm friendly but i don't....you know. i've shared a lot with you and that is precious to me. i don't want to lose our friendship in the complications of other people. i will do whatever makes you feel supported. i'm trying too, you know.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 04:32 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
it is uncomfortable. it's all really uncomfortable and there's no easy fix to make this better. in fact, it's probably only going to get worse before anything even really gets involved.

i'm sorry, olive. i really am. i want to get to a place in which we can talk about relationships and it's comfortable for both of us. i'm just...not there. and maybe that makes me a shitty person. and maybe that even makes me a selfish person. maybe i'm even an asshole because i need to take myself out of this to give it a fair shot. just...try to see it from my side? how hard it would be to separate my feelings from the situation when we're having lunches in the park and little day trips and snuggly movie nights on the couch. how easy it would be to pretend like that's okay and that my feelings were being reciprocated. but then...their not because you would get up and go home to brandon and i have to keep putting myself back together again and again and again. i'm not mad about your relationship. i'm not. i have told you time and time again that i am happy for you. i'm proud of you. i want that for you. i just...don't want to be made to feel like the bad guy because i'm trying to keep myself from falling into pieces every fucking day because it's really god damn hard, olive. i try to be strong and i try to act like nothing bothers me but i can feel all these fucking cracks all the time and i'm really fucking trying here.

i don't want to feel like i'm living separate lives. i don't want to have to hide things from some and only do certain things with others. i don't...i can't live like that. i just....i don't know what to do.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 05:33 pm (local) (link) Track This
i was crying last night, though, this whole thing today isn't just about beth or what she said to me or how she approached the conversation. but beth has no real reason to be uncomfortable with me, other than that she has her own insecurities and i can't help that. what do i do? say by the way, i know beau's into me but i swear i'm loyal to my boyfriend?

i'm not saying you're shitty or selfish and i certainly didn't make you out to be a bad guy. stop putting words in my mouth or taking things the worst possible way i could mean them - that's not fair. but i didn't know...that just being with me or around me was still difficult. i don't want you to feel like you have to keep putting yourself back together again after we hang out. i don't want you to live double lives or keep things from people or feel torn in two. a lot of that has to do with beth and shane and i know that. but any part of it that has to do with me? i want to put an end to. i don't want to be the cause for your pain and honestly, i won't let myself be. if it's too hard for us to maintain a friendship then that's what i need to know. i don't know how to hang out with you when i know that it's just ultimately painful and hurtful to you.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 05:42 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
you can't tell me not to put words in your mouth when you're sitting here making assumptions about beth. that's not fair. i'm not saying you're making me those things, i'm just trying to express how i feel. and no, not all of it has to do with you. i'm just in a place mentally that is difficult right now and maybe that's putting on a strain on me getting past...this. i have my grandmother, my sister, my older sister, my niece, beth, shane, work...everything. and maybe that's my fault, i'm taking on too much. but like...i want to hang out. but i also don't want to feel guilty if we don't? you spend time with brandon and i don't get upset about that. it just feels a little unfair, maybe? i'm really trying to keep things as fair as i possibly can but...i don't know. i don't know what i'm talking about anymore. i don't even fucking know.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 05:48 pm (local) (link) Track This
what assumptions am i making about beth?

i know what is on your plate, i know what you go through and deal with. i'm sorry if i came off like i don't understand or am not fully aware of what you're going through. i've said multiple times in this conversation alone that i do know that and that is why i haven't said anything. because i figured it would just blow over as you got more settled and figured things out, and i would also get over myself and my own insecurities.

i'm not complaining about you hanging out with beth, that's not at all what i was saying. and i never wanted to make you feel guilty for not hanging out with me. i just mentioned things that i thought we were going to do together, that's all - i don't expect your attention all the time, beau. that's never what i was trying to say and i...i don't know where you got that from.

i feel like my communication sucks. i take responsibility for it. i shouldn't ever talk through my emotions and i should have just let it go. i feel horrible for putting this at your feet and making a big deal out of something that i'm sure isn't a big deal at all. i'm just being sensitive, i don't know why i'm so emotional. the last thing i said to beth was that i would like her to come to your bday. if you still want me to get the food together and have the dinner party, i would like to do that. if not, i understand. just tell me what you want or need from me, and i'm there, and i'll do it.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 05:52 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
literally everything you've said about her has been an assumption, olive. you keep coming off like you think she has this horrible view of you or that she hates you or whatever and it's not true. i know it's not true because i know the both of you.

all i want is for everything to feel normal again. i want to go one day where i don't feel like punching a wall or sticking my head in a tub or...i don't know. i'm just tired of feeling stressed. i'm tired of feeling like i'm disappointing everyone or letting people down. i'm tired of being tired. and i don't know what to do. i don't know how to fix this. and i hate that we're like this because you're so important to me.
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[info]olive
2019-07-17 06:01 pm (local) (link) Track This
don't you understand that those assumptions are reflections on me and my insecurity and not her? i don't know if she hates me, i don't know if she dislikes me. i know what it feels like for me when she talks to me, that's what i know. so maybe my assumptions aren't the real explanation, but i don't know her and my attempts to get to know her have been answered with crickets, basically, so i'm not sure how else i'm supposed to go about figuring my way around these supposed 'assumptions.'

you're in a pressure cooker all the time. you have a ton on your shoulders. i'm sorry i made it more complicated. i really have tried to be helpful and take things off of your plate and help you with stress and i am frustrated i haven't done a better job. you don't let me down, beau. you just also have to understand that i don't want to let you down or hurt you, either. and that's probably where this comes from more than anything.
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[info]graaff
2019-07-17 06:09 pm (local) (link) DeleteTrack This
maybe just talk to her about it, almost to a blunt level? she's a very straightforward person most of the time. i think she gets nervous sometimes and...now, especially knowing that shane is trying to befriend you as well, that does make her feel more timid. i mean, i even expressed my weariness with that and i know you really well so i can only imagine how uneasy that is to her right now. i can even try to...hint to her to talk to you more. you guys both mean a lot to me and i don't want to have to think that i can't live my life with both of you.

you shouldn't be so frustrated about it, olive. i know you've only tried to help and i'm not mad at you about that. i'm not mad at you at all. honestly? i'm projecting, i know i am and that's on me.