cat food

So in order to prepare for tonight, I obtained a cat, because if you’ve ever been on the internet, you know that cats are basically the main source of comedy in our modern world, plus they are a  tax write off for comedians considering they do pretty much all of the work. So I adopted a cat, like a fucking hero or whatever. Unfortunately the cat I adopted doesn’t misspell words or feed me inspirational lines to help me get through Mondays at the office, so I have to think up all of the funny bits on my own.

My sister has been giving me a hard time about what I should be feeding my cat. She works at a pet store in a lower income area and spends a good portion of her shift convincing people to buy the highest quality dog and cat food, quite possibly in lieu of feeding their human children or whatever. She believes that my cat deserves top shelf, organic cat food whereas I’m fairly certain that my cat does not give one fuck. She eats her own vomit sometimes, which is one of those weird things that cats and Rush Limbaugh have in common. If I quit feeding my cat she would probably fend for herself just fine. She’s an indoor cat but I’m sure she’ll get by eating stink bugs and her aforementioned vomit.

I do try to get her food that is high in protein and low in cardboard when I can, though. It’s more about my worrying about being judged for my cat food choice by other pet owners. I ran out of money and cat food at the same time recently and had to buy a $2 bag of cat food. I felt so ashamed that I made up a story about feeding stray cats just in case I needed to assure someone that I’m not feeding my own cat that shit. Okay enough pussy jokes.


BODY LIKE A CAR I JUST WANNA DRIVE IT WITH SOME GAS

There’s this hip hop song by this guy Wale which focuses on metaphors that link cars and women together. It’s like, there’s such a large, uncool amount of misogynistic lyrics and objectification of women in the hip hop genre, and this Wale guy picked up on it and just said, “fuck it let’s go hard. Women are automobiles.