Today i watched a roomba scoot through the open door of nearby bakery and onward to freedom as a panicked cleaning crew chased after it, all hail the robot uprising,

Condescending online man day,
Sale, 3%,
I almost forgot, happy condescending online man day everyone,

Me, shows my friend a picture of a possum in a hat, expecting delight,
My friend, ew,
Me,
Show us the possum,

Yes i’m a girl, yes i steal sandwich bags from burger king, we exist,
At burger king,
Bro,
This tag has me dying,
This motherfricker snitch to the whole as burger court,

I keep seeing people talking about those old stop motion christmas movies and i’m pissed because everyone forgot this guy who has the funniest name i’ve ever frickin heard in my life,
Burgermeister meisterburger,

My sis, what’s so funny about nickelback,
Why are you always laughing,
It’s about the graph,

I miss the days when people would discreetly cough blood into their handkerchiefs instead of everyone always trying to be this season’s little miss tuberculosis,

My friend wanted a dog so he went and adopted hank, he is a little different,

Nothing feels better than winning monopoly, not love, not sex, not free pizza, nothing,
I’m sorry, have you tried pizza,
Yes and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die form your friends eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate,

I’m sure this means something, but don’t ask me what,

Blue screen of death,
System has encountered an error and needs to shut down, your life,
He’ll monitor your journey to the afterlife,
404 error, mercy not found,
Death really knows how to crash a party,
Control alt death,
You better reblog this because those jokes lost me 3 followers,

Please stop adding there are two kinds of people and that escalated quickly to text posts,
There are two kinds of rapid escalation,
Well that peopled twicely,

You can pick any point in history involving a rebellion and the okay boomer meme will make perfect sense,

Draw your favorite nintendo character in this and nothing else,
Oh jesus christ wario what the f,
Wario no,

My sister bought this piplup plushie a few years ago because she felt bad for it,

Soup is lesbian culture, i say as i drink my fourth bowl of the day with absolutely no facts to back that claim up except for the fact i am a lesbian who loves soup,

Mom can you give me money to go to college,
To get more knowledge,
Yessss,
Actually goes to jupiter like a boss,
Stupider time,

When people ask where you see yourself in ten years,
2029, that’s not a real year,
Jumping on this opportunity,

Anal sneezes are cute as crap,
Sorry iphone the word i was looking for was animal sneezes better luck next time,
Are you anal sneeze boy,
This is not what i want to be remembered for,

Me, okay, so, are we fighting or are we flirting, because i’m getting mixed signals here,
Vampire, my fangs are literally inches from you throat right now,
Me, that doesn’t answer my question,

My kink is cooking in front of my friends who know which knife is made for what and forcing them to watch me use the wrong one for the wrong thing,
Use a cheese grater for tomatoes,
You’ll burn in heck for this,

Dang y’all remember this crappy little boy,

Somebody is playing a piano and it’s midnight here why,
Update, i figured out they’re playing my heart will go on,
Update, i just opened my door and yelled jack the music stopped and i can hear somebody running down the hall above me shouting rose o m g,
Can i ship it,
No, it’ll sink,
You,

One time in 4th grade i stole this kid’s gameboy and a couple months later we were chillin at my house and he was looking at my stuff and found the gameboy and he was like, wow i used to have one of these, and i asked he wanted to buy it and he was like sure so i sold it to him for like 60 dollars,

August, september, halloween, november, december,
I think yo mean August, september, halloween, turkey, christmas,
Don’t forget new years, forever alone, windy as frick, crap its raining, allergies, oh hey it’s actually decent, wait nevermind,
And a partridge in a pear tree,

Head, shoulders, bees and toes,
Bees,
And toes,
Bees and toes,

Is there a word that’s a mix between angry and sad,
Malcontented, disgruntled, miserable, desolated,
Smad,
There are two types of people,

My friends and i were playing frick marry kill at a restaurant and our waiter was gonna ask how our food was but he heard i’d frick goofy, and walked away immediately,

That time on sesame street when i charmed the children with my face popping out of an a hole, the letter a,
In case you weren’t already convinced that ryan reynolds is the perfect deadpool,

This wifi sign on a boat cruise in loch ness, scotland,
Free wifi,

It’s macchiato, not macchiato,
Oh my god,

Light this for me, will ya,
Oh sure,
Do we need a torch, i’m sorta made of fire,
Reevaluates life choices,

Shoutout professor r j lupin for not flipping absolute crap when he sees harry with the marauders map in the hallway that night,
I seriously can’t stop laughing he could have gone oh frick, but he’s got like plus 15 repression and a proficiency in bullcrapping so he just says, hmm yes yes oh is this a, a zonkos, haha cool,
Legend,

Tumblr is so boring with all you nerds at dashcon,
You all better come back with some amazing tales,
This post is like reading an inscription carved into a bathhouse wall during pompeii’s last days,

Today garfield’s assassin, charles guiteau, was so hated that when he joined a christian free love commune, no one would have sex with him, they started calling him charles gitout, a play on words for get out,
Garfield’s dead,
The u s president hun,
Garfield was the president,

Don bluth only knew how to draw one man, but dang it he wasn’t gonna let that stop him,
To be fair, he knew how to draw two men,
Twinks and bears,

Macy’s photographer, we don’t do family portraits, in the style of hieronymus bosch,
Me, herding my 53 pasty white children off my flesh mantis castle i brought from home, please just honor my $17.99,

My refrigerator with legs barrels towards me and grabs me and stuffs me into its vegetable drawer then casually walks away,
Hey is,
Is your refrigerator running,
My refrigerator with legs is standing in the middle of your street gripping a rolling pin, are you running,

Are clowns patriotic,
Are you,
I’m asking the questions here, would a clown die for its country,
Everyone who has ever died for their country was a clown,

I like big butts and i cannot lie, my other brother also likes big butts and cannot tell the truth, how will you escape our dungeon,

I can’t believe that bacteria would just intrude into my body without my permission, that makes me sick,
It does make you sick, literally,
Wow ha ha your right i should’ve made this into a joke,

Sorry i was speeding officer, i was listening to mumford and sons and the banjo solo came on,

And another thing, simba’s uncle just happened to have a scar and be named scar, bullcrap,
He chose to be called scar after he got the scar, please read up on the lion king before saying anything about it,
I’d rather die than read up on something before i make uneducated comments about it so either his name was always scar or you break into my house and snap my fricking neck it’s your call,

Two rats,
Artist, van gogh,
Year, 1884,
Really big fan of this piece,

Just realized that as we go into the rawring twenties this is the first time f o b, panic, and m c r have all been active at the same time since 2009,
The rawring twenties, okay first of all how dare you,

Abolish unpaid internships, bring back apprenticeships,
You don’t have to pay me, but i’m going to live with you from now on,
I’m going to marry your child and inherit this business one day, i can and will complain to the guild,

May you sleep on the breast of your tender woman companion,
Sappho circa 600 b c,
Get you a g f, nap on her tiddy,
Over two and a half millennia later and lesbians is the same,

Boys will be bo,
Flies in,
Punches you in the face,
Boys will be held responsible for their actions like everyone else,
We will not,
You will do so or i’ll shove responsibility so far up your as you’ll taste tax bills for weeks,

Anyone who’s ever done anything will realize how hard that is,

Pikachu is fricking dead,

Send nudes thanks,
I can’t breathe,

99% of tumblr users won’t reblog this because it won’t fit in with their blogs or will make them ugly, reblog if you are in the 1% that will,
Dang my leg,
What was that about not fitting in with out blogs,

Shut the frick up hazbin hotel fan,
Okay detroit become human fan,
This is so fricking funny i love this website,
Presidential alert,
The clowns are fighting,

Happy first take your kid to work day,
Yoda at the j f k assassination,

Meet the famous dracula parrot in all its glory,

Once i told a man he looked like jeff goldblum and he was like who’s that, so i pulled up a pic and he said oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome, then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me and was like, i’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is jeff goldblum,
I’m livid,
That is the most goldblumiest thing to say, i believe it,
Jeff goldblum and tony hawk lead exact opposite lives,

When you’re a 14 month old french infant in a military hospital in the late 18th century and that weird hungry guy comes into your room,
Can’t stop thinking about this post, i don’t think any that face you make when, type posts has prompted over 20 minutes of research in me before,

When i woke up this morning, my first thought was no one visits my grave anymore, and i was really sad for a few minutes so i lay on my bed with eyes shut and then all of a sudden i opened my eyes and was like wait i don’t have a grave what the frick,
Are you okay,
Am i ever,

You don’t deserve working headphones,
This may be the most hurtful insult i can imagine,

What’s the password,
Is it, is it dog,
Muffled meeting behind door,
You may enter,