[F4A] Jelly Bean Cock [humor] [use of metaphor and puns]

[F4A]  Jelly Bean Cock  [humor] [heavy use of metaphor and puns] [explosive candy finish]
“Guess how many are in my jar.  600?  That sounds about right--I didn’t count.  I was too busy thinking about how to make these into a cock.”
--
(many of the jokes involve you saying something as though it is genuine, and then revealing immediately that it was sarcastic.  Other jokes are about breaking the 4th wall to give out-of-character asides to the audience.)
Question from the old mailbag.  “How do you make a cock out of jelly beans?”  Well that’s a silly question, it’s simple.  You just need the right kind of jelly beans and the right flavors.  Go and get yourself a two-pound bag of Jelly Belly’s classic 49 flavors.  Why a two-pound bag?  You want the biggest dick you can get, right?

(aside)  By the way, Jelly Belly, this is a parody, don’t sue my ass.  After all, I’m only bringing you guys into this because your jelly beans are the best, baby.  Mad respect.  People come at me with “Hey, what about these jelly egg things with the double coating in the white package,” or like “Did you hear Jolly Rancher has a jelly bean too??!?”  Bitch, please.  You KNOW they’re all just jelly-jelly of that sweet Jelly Belly.  Just keen for that bean.  Just randy for that Jelly Belly candy, as it were.  I know--save your applause till the end.

So what flavor of jelly bean do you use first when you’re building your cock?  It’s obvious.  Cinnamon!  (sarcasm reveal)  Juuuust kidding.  Almost everyone hates the cinnamon ones.  I mean, why are they so fuckin’ spicy?  Who wants to have a thing full of jellybeans and they’re all sweet and fruit-flavored and then there’s like one that’s crazy spicy?  Really bad idea.  To be honest, the only reason I chose it is that cinnamon begins with “sin,” and that’s always a wonderful word to associate with your cock.

The real first one you start with is Black Licorice.  (sarcasm reveal)  I’m kidding again, obviously.  Nobody wants to eat the licorice ones except for that one weird friend that somehow loves them.   They were just chosen because they begin with “lick”--it’s the same exact joke.  By the way, since we’re talking about penises, if you’re wondering if I’m gonna make a racial joke out of the name Black Licorice, I am not.  There are of course wonderful people of every race and every color, some of them just happen to translate terribly into jelly beans.

Instead, what this cock really needs to start off with is Cream Soda.  (sarcasm reveal)  Once again, I’m kidding.  (comedic)  Dude, you’re obviously gonna END with Cream Soda.  Look what THAT one begins with.  When your cock is completely full of ingredients, (lewd) and you just can’t take any more ingredients but you try to add just one more, that’s when you get a mouthful of Cream Soda.

Anyway, for the real advice.  So first, your cock has to have a nice big delicious shape.  For the shaft, that means Top Banana.  Self-explanatory.  Dickhead?  Sweet, succulent Plum.  Even more self-explanatory.  And for the balls?  This one is the mostest self-explanatoriest of them all.  Juicy Pear.  Juicy….pair.  The routine practically writes itself.

Now that you’ve got the shape, Step 2 is to start adding characteristics.  Pomegranate.  Why pomegranate?  Because you wanna place it in your palm, and make it hard as granite.  Pom-e-granate!  Also, Margarita, because you wanna be able to shake it up during your handjob, obviously.  (aside)  Do I use the word “obviously” too much?  I might.  Next you add Island Punch, because you obviously want it to pound the back of your little throat.  Punch, Punch, Punch.  Each time you add a flavor, it gets bigger and bigger, like it’s swelling from a Sunkist Lime to a Sunkist Lemon, to a Sunkist Orange, to a Sunkist Grapefruit.  And of course at every step, you give it a kiss, because “kissed” is part of the word “Sunkist.”  I mean, who doesn’t wanna kiss your creation--(lewd) especially when it’s a nice warm throbbing fat cock?

(encouragement, getting hornier)  Are you starting to have cravings for it?  Just add some Caramel Corn and you’ll be binge-ing that fucker all night long.  Do ya wanna increase the yumminess?  Tutti Fuckin’ Frutti, Captain Spaulding, it’s to die for.  Do ya wanna make it the life of the party?  (singing)  “If you like Pina Colada, and getting blown till you drain…”  It’s fun, huh.  Now maybe you just wanna make the veins bulge up nice and big.  I give you...Buttered Popcorn.  Just let your mouth be your microwave.

(more and more lewd, building up)  And speaking of things that go “pop,” the next step is to add Bubble Gum flavor, for that nice pressurized ka-boom.  And speaking of other things that go “pop,” you’re gonna need some Very Cherry, obviously.  Since if you’re making a brand new cock, it’s probably a virgin.

So are you getting hungry yet?  There’s only one step left, girls--are you ready?  Lay on your back with your head on a pillow, and take one of each of the 49 flavors--yes, even cinnamon--and stuff them into your mouth.  (grin)  And then take a second one of each...and stuff those into your mouth too.  Another full set of 49--don’t pussy out now, ladies, it has to be all of them.  (insidious, asking for trouble)  And then a third set….and then a fourth one…(each time more dangerous)  and then a fifth one….and then a sixth one…..Just keep PACKING them in, even if you feel like you’re gonna choke….  49 more….and 49 more….until your mouth is so full you can’t fit even one more bean in….  So full it hurts so good.  How’s it feel, girls?  And then.... block your nose….  And wait…….and wait……..   And wait……..  And BLOW that huge LOAD of candy everywhere.  All over your cheeks.  All over your cleavage.  Even all over your newly jellied belly.  Jelly Belly.

(out of character once again)  And then….  Go out and find a real cock to suck on.  Because you CAN’T make a cock out of jelly beans, you fuckin’ idiot.  Obviously.