I am typing this to avoid losing sleep.

I feel like I've stabbed myself in the back thousands of times. I feel like no matter how much I tell myself something was a mistake that I'll learn from, or that I'll become a better person, I never actually do. I feel powerless over my own behavior. I can barely tell if I'm even becoming better or not.

I never wanted to be a bad person. What is the source of all these toxic behaviors? Is it because of a mental condition? Do I simply need to watch what I say? Or, is the problem deeper than that? Have I become too sensitive? Where do I set boundaries?

Whatever the answers to those questions are, my actions have hurt at least two people tonight. One was a close friend who inspired me to embrace my wacky OC stories. The other was an artist I have been looking up to since 2018 that was very inspiring to me and my stories. Regardless of what either of those people think of me now, I still feel terrible about it.

This isn't the first time. My impulsive thinking and tendency to judge has already hurt other artists and friends that I cared about very much.

I want out of this hellhole. No, I don't mean I want to kill myself; then I would leave this world without a chance to do so many things, including fixing myself. It'd be pointless. No, I mean I want to at least be CONSCIOUS of whether or not I'm becoming better. I want to know if my words are actually holding meaning, or if I'm just telling myself that for validation. I want to know if I've done right or wrong, I want to know what IS right or wrong. The hellhole I want out of is this state of seemingly endless moral climb, this cycle of me hurting someone else just when I think I've become a better person. I am sick and tired of hurting people.

I don't know what the solution is right now. Maybe taking some time off from Twitter will help. Discord is less hectic, and the smaller-scale interactions will help me think things through and heal myself, both mentally and morally. But regardless, I need to think things through. Realizing that I had hurt those people was a wake-up call. In one case, I crossed boundaries and came off as passive-aggressive. In another, I disrespected characters that someone had a serious, personal emotional attachment to, and cared about very much, and scrutinized something in an uncalled for, unecessarily sensitive manner. I've always hated people like that, and now I feel like I've become the very thing I swore to destroy.

I wish I could do more to tell these people and the world that I do not want to be a bad person and that I understand how they feel, and I want to actually become someone better who isn't that toxic. But for now, all I can say is "I'm sorry."