BlondeNonny

Lavender Lust (Anon X Background Breezie) (Yandere)

Aug 15th, 2016
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  1. Chapter 1 (#lvdl) (OR JUST SCROLL DOWN YA LAZY GIT)
  2. Chapter 2 (#artn)
  3. Chapter 3 (#drsm)
  4. Chapter 4 (#brng)
  5.  
  6. Chapter 1 - Lavendula (#lvdl)
  7. >It was the biggest, blackest part of the night in Equestria against Humanity.
  8. >You were Anonymous, the Card Czar.
  9. "And this card reads..."
  10. >You flipped over another black card, and gave a quick, cursory skim over it.
  11. >It sent shivers up your spine.
  12. "Oh for fucks sake..." you muttered, before clearing your throat. "'Dude, let me in! I'm a blank'."
  13. >All of the other ponies skimmed over their cards, and as they did so you could not ignore Pinkie tittering to herself.
  14. >"Why would Ah let a blank in?" Applejack asked, in a full, sarcastic drawl. "Got enough o' those to go around."
  15. "Wow, didn't take you for a gun owner," you deadpanned, trying to keep up appearances.
  16. >"Really, now?" Starlight Glimmer sneered. "I would never imagine Applejack would own a weapon that only one person I know even owns on the face of this world."
  17. "Hey, you never know," you shrugged.
  18. >Finally, once everyone had their cards submitted, you shuffled them around and turned them upside.
  19. >Sure enough.
  20. "Alright, which one of you fuckers played this card?!" you complained, holding up the offending card up in the air.
  21. >Immediately, Pinkie burst out laughing, much to your dismay.
  22. >The laughs of Applejack and Rainbow Dash soon followed.
  23. >"That's an instant win right there," Rainbow Dash snickered, knowing full well what the card meant in terms of this damn game.
  24. >Finally, Pinkie raised her hoof amidst her laughing.
  25. "God DAMN it!" you shouted, slamming the big, black card down towards her increasingly large pile.
  26. >Fucking hell you're salty.
  27. >"Pinkie," Fluttershy whispered, "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that!"
  28. >"I know," Pinkie shrugged, still laughing, "but it was FUNNY!"
  29. >Rarity huffed. "More topical than anything, darling."
  30. >"I know it's the 'right' response," Starlight mused, "but why would 'Breezie' get such a reaction from you?"
  31. >Oh shit.
  32. "Well, it's just- it's nothing."
  33. >"Yeah, Starlight's got a point," Rainbow realized. "If anything you should've been laughin' too!"
  34. >Ohhhh shit.
  35. "It's not something I wanna discuss right now. I think it's Starlight's turn, by the way."
  36. >"Alright," Starlight sighed.
  37. >Clearing her throat, she announced, "I am the Card Czar, and our prompt is 'Whatever happened between you and the Breezies?'"
  38. "Oh come on!" you yelled, starting to get annoyed by all of this. "You didn't even draw a black card!"
  39. >"Well y'all can't jus' leave us hangin'!" Applejack pointed out.
  40. >"You're not scared of Breezies, are you?" Rainbow asked.
  41. >Shit.
  42. "N-No! Of course not," you hastily replied. "Why would I-"
  43. >"You stuttered," Applejack noted dryly.
  44. >Of all the times you hated that Applejack was the former Element of Honesty...
  45. "...Damn it, Jack."
  46. >Rainbow Dash snickered.
  47. "Shut up. It's not going to be permanent."
  48. >"Doesn't change the fact that you're scared of Breezies!" Rainbow Dash teased, her smug grin only serving to irritate you further.
  49. >"In his defense," Twilight explained, giving the others a big ol' scowl, "Alseidphobia, or fear of nymphs - in this case Breezies - is an actual fear."
  50. >"Doesn't mean that it's still very, VERY uncommon," Starlight rebutted.
  51. >"Nor any less justified," Rarity countered. "Anon has his reasons for being afraid of them."
  52. >You rolled your eyes.
  53. >"Hey," Applejack confided, "it's not like y'all have anythin' to be afraid of! Not that Ah would recommend it, but if push came t' shove y'all could just swat one with onna those huge hands of yers!"
  54. "Yeah, try telling that to me about a week ago," you muttered under your breath.
  55. >"Wait, what happened a week ago?" asked Starlight, her eyebrow propped up.
  56. "Shit, you heard that?"
  57. >You should just keep your mouth shut for the remainder of this game.
  58. >"Yep, and now you gotta tell us!" Starlight smirked. "How did brave, strong Anonymous get felled by a poor little Breezie?"
  59. >You glanced at Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie, who gave expectant, worried eyes.
  60. >At least in the case of the former - Pinkie Pie just smiled.
  61. >They all knew the story behind your nymphophobia or whatever it was Twilight called it.
  62. >The others didn't, and now they wanted to know.
  63. "Alright, fine, but we'll have to keep the game on hold until I can get this story finished."
  64. >"Duly noted," Starlight sighed, putting her thin, white cards down.
  65. >You grimaced.
  66. "Get comfy, girls, because this will be very terrifying."
  67. >"Suuuure it will," deadpanned Rainbow Dash.
  68. >You cleared your throat.
  69.  
  70. >Your story began on a dark and windy night in Equestria.
  71. >You were Anonymous, and it was in the middle of the night that you heard a light tapping on your front door.
  72. >At first, it was so small and inconspicuous that you didn't mind - added a sort of ambiance to your dream.
  73. >But then it grew more rapid, rousing you from your perverted slumber.
  74. >Finally, you grew fed up with the noise, and went to investigate.
  75. >Sure enough, there was a rapping, a rapping on your cabin door.
  76. >Figuring this might be someone you know, you sought to negotiate with the noise in the most eloquent words possible.
  77. "Hello?"
  78. >The noise halted.
  79. >Then, another noise ruptured, this time stemming from your custom-installed doorknob.
  80. >Finally, when that proved fruitless, a small voice spoke.
  81. >"Please, Anonymous, that's hardly where things started at all."
  82.  
  83. >Still be Anonymous.
  84. >And of course you got interrupted during your epic retelling.
  85. >Couldn't have a good ole fashioned storytelling without someone interrupting you.
  86. "Oh come on, Rarara," you smirked, "can't I at least dramatic when doing this?"
  87. >"I'd prefer you be somewhat accurate," Twilight countered. "A dark and stormy night was far from where this whole situation stemmed from."
  88. >You sighed.
  89. "Alright, fine, be that way."
  90.  
  91. >Your story ACTUALLY began earlier that day, during a special event Fluttershy set up.
  92. >It was a migration, in fact - a special species that Fluttershy called the Breezies were set to travel through Ponyville en route to a portal leading to the Breezie Kingdom, of which they called home.
  93. >And of course she had invited you and the others to come watch.
  94. >Knowing full well what this might entail, you could have said no.
  95. >But because you're an idiot, you accepted.
  96. >So it was that day you spent with her and Twilight, watching these small, bug-like beings pass through Ponyville.
  97. "Hopefully whatever it is they're doing, they can do it before that portal closes."
  98. >"They're collecting pollen, and it's actually the longest it's been open in several hundred years," Fluttershy explained. "These days, it's unheard of for the Breezie portal to be open for a week, let alone two weeks."
  99. >Yeah, these two weeks were going to be plot-relevant.
  100. >You could already tell.
  101. "Man, if only my world were so interesting."
  102. >"What, you don't have Breezies where you used to live?" Twilight asked, frowning slightly as if you had disappointed her.
  103. "Kind of."
  104. >You remembered all the old folk tales back home.
  105. "See, what you ponies call 'Breezies', we call 'fairies', and they live in the woods and forests much like yours do."
  106. >"Ooooh!" Twilight cooed, quietly getting a quill and scroll to write on. "Please, tell me more. What do fairies look like?"
  107. >Yeah, of course Twilight would immediately take notes.
  108.  
  109. >"I don't do that ALL the time!" Twilight snapped, putting down a piece of paper to try and enact damage control.
  110. >You chuckled.
  111. "She says as she puts down her notes on Cards Against Humanity.”
  112. >She raised her hoof to try and object, but put it down after realizing you weren't wrong.
  113. "Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right, fairies."
  114.  
  115. "Well, mostly they look like tiny humans but with wings, only that they can cast magic," you explained, trying to keep your enthusiasm to a minimum so as to not excite yourself. "And there's a bunch of different beliefs and explanations behind them, but mainly that they're hidden from humans.”
  116. >"That sounds really nice," Fluttershy complimented.
  117. “Yeah - and there's stories about how their 'pixie dust' or whatever you call it can make humans fly. Some were friends with children. Others would just annoy you and tell you stuff you already know."
  118. >"Have you ever actually met a fairy?" Twilight asked, scribbling away at her notes.
  119. "Nope," you solemnly noted. "The catch is that all of what I just said was folklore - a myth."
  120. >Twilight, upon hearing your blunt revelation, dejectedly put her notes down. "Well, that's disappointing."
  121. "Hence why your world is so much more interesting. You have all this magic and all these Breezies, you have every reason to not envy me," you complimented, trying to cheer Twilight up. "Though I don't imagine Breezies are any more potent with magic than your average unicorn."
  122. >"Actually," Twilight explained, gesturing to the wave of Breezies flying across the pathway, "Breezies are one of the most magical species in Equestria, next only to the very uncommon ram. I read that a Breezie mage was able to subdue a fully grown dragon a long time ago."
  123. "Yeah, that'll be the day," you deadpanned, not fully believing her.
  124. >There was no way a Breezie would be that powerful.
  125. >"Mind you, it's somewhat situational, as a majority of normal Breezie magic is activated via the wind current, and most of that magic is protective, so it's possible that a normal pegasus could have defeated that Breezie mage in a fair fight."
  126. >Made sense to you.
  127. >"But from what you've told me, Breezies are basically our 'fairies', so there's not much of a difference, is there?"
  128. >You shrugged.
  129. "Meh, depends on how you look at it."
  130. >As the Breezies went on their merry path, you were reminded of just how much Equestria was different from home.
  131. >Back home, you didn't have any of this.
  132. >There were no public gatherings for any animal passing through town.
  133. >There was no such thing as magic.
  134. >And creatures such as the Breezies were just a myth.
  135. >Yet here you were, watching these peculiar things pass by.
  136. >With this insight, you surprisingly had no snide words to say.
  137. >You couldn't have said them anyway - being loud and obnoxious apparently pushed them off course.
  138. >But then the most peculiar thing happened.
  139. >One of the Breezies - a grey one with an iris-colored head - had stopped its path as she noticed you, and ignoring the rest of her pack, she flew up towards you.
  140. >You were a little taken aback.
  141. >But as you stared at her, she stared back, with eyes full of wonder and mouth agape.
  142. >Then, she smiled.
  143. >"Oy! This way!" another voice shouted, this one being squeaky as hell.
  144. >Her head snapped back towards the voice, it belonging to another, pink-haired Breezie.
  145. >Then, she smiled at you as she flew away to meet with the other Breezies.
  146. >You could not help but smile back.
  147. >"Awwwwww..." Fluttershy cooed in a quiet voice, "did you make a friend?"
  148. "Maybe," you whispered back, in a bit of a joy-filled stupor. “Maybe.”
  149.  
  150. "And after that, we spent the rest of the event just talking and watching the Breezies fly by," you concluded.
  151. >"Sounds like y'all had a lot of fun. Wish we all coulda been there," Applejack admitted.
  152. >"Not me," Rainbow shrugged. "I'd take getting summoned by the Map to Las Pegasus over watching Breezies any day."
  153. >You chuckled.
  154. "Same."
  155. >"At least you didn't waste your budget on a deck of cards like we did," Starlight noted. “But that's another story for another time.”
  156. >Then, you realized the perfect way to end that part of your story.
  157. >"So," Pinkie smirked.
  158. >Oh no.
  159. >Oh fuck no.
  160. "Pinkie, don't you dare-"
  161. >"I guess you could say-”
  162. “PINKIE I SWEAR TO GOD-”
  163. >”I guess you all were shooting the breeze?"
  164. >Everyone groaned, yourself included.
  165. >That was the worst pun you've ever heard.
  166. "Oh come on, I was going to make that pun!"
  167. >Even worse is that you didn't make it.
  168. >God DAMN it.
  169. >Twilight chuckled. "I can't believe it took you all this long to think of that pun. Now, I think that was when Anonymous left to go home for the night."
  170. "Yeah, and then..."
  171.  
  172. >NOW it was a dark and windy night.
  173. >Be Anonymous.
  174. >And you had already explained what had happened in the middle of the night.
  175. >Small, but quiet tapping, enough to annoy yourself awake, yadda yadda.
  176. >You left off at trying to negotiate with the noise, and you remember asking it something.
  177. "Hello?"
  178. >Noise stopped, another noise ruptured when it tried to turn your doorknob, blah blah blah.
  179. >Then, FINALLY, a tiny voice spoke.
  180. "E-Excuse me, sire? P-Please let me in. I-I'm a fairy!"
  181. >Now, that set off a number of red flags in your mind.
  182. >On one hand, it might have been a robber, trying to appeal to pathos, much like a majority of the politicians of your world past 2012.
  183. >But this pony had a cute voice, and no robber you've ever met had a cute voice.
  184. >Then again you've never met a single robber in Equestria.
  185. >Point being, you suspected it was Fluttershy trying to get into your house.
  186. >It made sense - you did tell her earlier about 'fairies'.
  187. >No doubt she would try to use it to come onto you.
  188. "Excuse me now?"
  189. >"D-Don't ye believe in fairies?"
  190. >Upon further examination that voice did not appear to belong to Fluttershy.
  191. >It was a little TOO squeaky, even for her.
  192. >Plus, it sounded very Gaelic.
  193. >You didn't take Fluttershy for an Irishwoman.
  194. >"P-Please, sir?"
  195. >Against your better judgment, you opened the door.
  196. >To your surprise, you found no one outside.
  197. >Huh.
  198. >Maybe you were hearing things.
  199. >Wouldn't be the first time.
  200. >Then, slowly, you closed the door, finding no one else out there.
  201. >"T-Thank ye!" the voice chirped from right behind you.
  202. “WAUGH!”
  203. >In your shock, you whirled around, slamming your body against the closing door.
  204. >And in the motions you took, the intruder was blown away.
  205. >Literally.
  206. >That was when you saw the Breezie in your house for the first time....
  207.  
  208. >"...wait, so that's why you're afraid of them?" asked Rainbow Dash, incredulous at your story so far. “Because one just appeared behind you?”
  209. "Patience, my little Skittles," you muttered. "I'm not even half-way done."
  210. >"Hopefully the rest of the story isn't so lame," she grumbled.
  211.  
  212. >"O-Oh! I didn't m-mean to harm ye!"
  213. "Jesus," you muttered, hastily trying to tone your voice down. "Scared the crap out of me."
  214. >"I-I'm so sorry, sire!" she pleaded. "Please don't eeth me!"
  215. >You slowly got up, doing your best not to blow the Breezie away.
  216. >Speaking of which, it was completely unbelievable.
  217. >A Breezie.
  218. >In the middle of the night.
  219. >In your own home.
  220. >Fluttershy would maul you if you did anything to harm her here.
  221. >You sighed, causing the Breezie to be pushed away a bit.
  222. "It's fine," you whispered, trying not to make things worse. "You could have just said you were a Breezie and I would've been less afraid."
  223. >It tittered.
  224. "Anyway..."
  225. >You looked up at the little creature, and finally got a good chance to see what she looked like.
  226. "Wait a minute... you're the little Breezie that flew up to me earlier today, aren't you?"
  227. >The Breezie girl smiled. "Y-Yea."
  228. >Huh.
  229. >Maybe you did make a friend after all...
  230. "What's a little girl like you doing so far from home? It's really dangerous out here."
  231. >"I was out picking out- well, um-" The Breezie stammered as she pawed at her hair. "I w-was out collecting pollen...a-and since I were out here in the middle of this huge, scary forish, I-I was hoping that the wind would let get to see ye again."
  232. >Oh really, now?
  233. "Does anyone else know you're out here?" you asked, curious at how she got away from her pack.
  234. >"N-No. Only me. N-Not that anyone else cares, anyway."
  235. >You peered back out the door, to see if she was being followed.
  236. >"Y-Ye naedn't check, sir. I've done an admerable job staying hidden."
  237. >Huh.
  238. >"S-Sire? Might I ask what's your name?"
  239. >Oh, right. Introductions.
  240. "Sorry. My name's Anonymous," you greeted. "I'm the only human in Equestria."
  241. >She blinked. "Oh? So your kind doesn't live here?"
  242. "Not that I'm aware of," you shrugged. "Anyway, so what's your name?"
  243. >"My làn ainm is Lavandula Dath."
  244. >Then, she smiled.
  245. >"But for ye, Kind Anonymous, ye can call me Lavi."
  246. >Lavi.
  247. >Her name was so similar to another's, that your mind immediately turned to that one fairy that always bothered you.
  248. >Her annoying voice and unhelpful advice would forever torment you.
  249. >But you pushed those thoughts aside – maybe she wouldn't be as bad.
  250. "Nice to meet you, Lavi."
  251. >You yawned.
  252. "A-Anyway, I should probably get to bed."
  253. >As you started inching towards your bedroom, Lavi started to follow you, a huge smile on her face.
  254. >The fact your air conditioning was working must have proved a decent-enough windflow for her to fly in.
  255. >"D-Do ye mind if I sleep with ye?"
  256. >You froze.
  257. "Shouldn't you be heading back home? Like I said, it's dangerous to be out here."
  258. >She shook her head. "Nae. No one's going to miss me for one lil' night, and it's only dainsearach out there in the forish. Not heare."
  259. >You could not find the energy to disagree.
  260. >A smart person would have woken Fluttershy up and asked for her help in this situation, given that she's worked with these things before.
  261. >But, as you stated before, you're an idiot.
  262. >"Soooo...cannae?"
  263. >An idiot with a bad case of a good heart.
  264. "Alright, fine," you muttered. "But not in the bed with me. I toss around in there."
  265. >You looked around to find a suitable bed for her.
  266. >Because she was so small, you decided on using a left over sauce cup from dinner earlier tonight as a makeshift bed.
  267. >You opened up the paper cup's ridges to give little Lavi just enough room to sleep in, then you put a bit of cloth on it to serve as a mattress.
  268. >Finally, you cut another piece of cloth to serve as her blanket, and took a tiny pillow from the leftover gift closet and put it on the 'bed'.
  269. "Sorry it's not much," you admitted guiltily, "but it is rather short notice."
  270. >"It's all good," she smiled, staring faintily at the pillow. "Do ye mind putting it by yer cois leapa?"
  271. >Errr...
  272. "In English, please?"
  273. >"Excuse me. Bed table."
  274. >Ah.
  275. >You're never going to understand foreign.
  276. "Fair enough."
  277. >You placed the makeshift bed on your bedside table, just far away enough to keep the lamp from blinding her in the morning.
  278. >She soon flew down and tested the bed out.
  279. >Once she found it to her liking, she lay her little paws down and began to rest.
  280. "Good night."
  281. >And with that, you fell asleep, only to be watched by Lavi's loving eyes as she looked upon you from her bed.
  282. >"Goodnaigh, Kind Anonymous," she cooed.
  283. >Lavendula stared at you as you fell into a deep slumber, yourself completely unaware of the events that would soon follow...
  284.  
  285. Chapter 2 - Around Town (#artn)
  286. >Still the same night.
  287. >Still Anonymous.
  288. >Still embarrassed that you're having to tell this story to a group of ponies who would never let you live this down and Applejack.
  289. >"Alright, alright, so a small Breezie came up to you during the day and wanted to sleep with you that night," Starlight Glimmer recapped. "Totally not creepy."
  290. >"Hey now," Applejack countered. "At least it weren't some sort o' parasprite - that's jus' askin' for trouble."
  291. "What the hell's a parasprite?" you asked, your interest piqued.
  292. >"Er," Rainbow Dash stuttered, "just a little round bug we don't see that often."
  293. >"Come to think of it," Fluttershy pondered, "we haven't seen those little things since Twilight spawned one during her duel with Trixie. I wonder if they're still out there."
  294. >"Better out there than here, for all Ah care," Applejack shrugged.
  295. "Sounds like a good pet to keep around," you quipped, all the ideas for a good prank entering your mind.
  296. >"Anon!"
  297. "Alright, alright," you chuckled.
  298. >"So then, what happened?" asked Starlight, giving you an earnest smile. "Surely that wasn't the end of it."
  299. >You were glad that this story was at least entertaining, if nothing else save for complete embarrassment.
  300. "Okay, so the next day..."
  301.  
  302. >It was Day Purple Nurple in Equestria.
  303. >You were still Anonymous.
  304. >And you had just gotten up and gone into the shower to complete your daily ritual.
  305. >But as you showered, you could not help but hear a faint buzzing noise coming from within the bathroom.
  306. >So, ever so slightly, you pushed away the shower curtain to find that little, purple-maned Breezie, Lavendula, staring at you from the bathroom floor.
  307. >O-Oh my, how lewd!
  308. "W-Well, it l-looks like you're up bright and early,” you joked, trying to cover up your indecent bits. “What are you doing in here?"
  309. >She blinked. "O-Oh, dunnae mind me."
  310. >You looked towards the temperature nozzle.
  311. >It was somewhere in the middle between Antarctica and holy shit is that a giant flaming ballsack of boiling water?
  312. >Or in other words, not that hot, but hot enough to be a nuisance.
  313. "Errr, do you need me to lower the temperature? I don't mind a cold shower."
  314. >"I'm fine, Kind Anonymous, dunnae worry about me."
  315. >Ah, so she was just in here to peek.
  316. "Well then can I please get some privacy while I'm in here?"
  317. >She cocked her head to the side. "Isn't it normal for multiple people to use the shower?"
  318. >Riiight, cultural differences.
  319. >You forgot Equestria had public baths sometimes, along with the lack of taboo over nudity.
  320. "Elsewhere, yeah. But in my house, I play by my rules, and rule number one is don't come in the bathroom while someone else is in there."
  321. >One of her antennae twitched, before she smiled. "Ah, okay. I see."
  322. >Then, she seemingly left the room, leaving you to shower.
  323. >You then realized that the door was in fact shut, and there was no way a Breezie could open doors like you could.
  324. >So once you finished cleaning yourself, you checked the bathroom door and saw that there was a tiny crack in the bathroom door, along with a few tiny bugprints.
  325. >Strange, that crack wasn't there before.
  326. >Ehhh...you'll get it looked at later.
  327. >Once you completed your three S's, you exited the bathroom and tracked down Lavi.
  328. >"O Fair Anonymous," Lavi cooed in a stereotypically 'fairy' voice, "what do ye plan for today?"
  329. "First of all, we're going back into town," you explained. "Surely someone must be worried sick over you."
  330. >She shook her head. "Nae. If a Breezie wert afraid for mine being, he'd have come back by now, in gold armor on the back of a butterfly."
  331. >You chuckled.
  332. >This is some fantasy princess shit.
  333. "Well unfortunately I don't think the butterflies like me, so we're going back there regardless. Besides, I kinda want to see if I can find Fluttershy."
  334. >Her antennae twitched. "Faire Fluttershy? Why her?"
  335. "Eh, mainly because she knows Breezies better than I do, and she might be able to help me figure out what to do next."
  336. >Although you dreaded the possibility of the fact you had a Breezie allowing Fluttershy the excuse of trying to come onto you for whatever reason.
  337. >Boku no Breezie fetish.
  338. >"Ye dunnae sound happy about meeting Missus Fluttershy. Are ye troubled?"
  339. "No," you lied.
  340. >She scowled.
  341. >"Really, now?"
  342. >Damn, how did that not get past her.
  343. "Well, yes. She apparently really, REALLY likes me. I don't. She's also very naughty at times..."
  344.  
  345. >"O-Oh my...was I really that traumatizing to you?"
  346. "For the last time, YES," you admitted, ever so bluntly - especially since you have to keep reminding her. "And the fact you keep asking me about my fetish doesn't make it any better."
  347. >"W-Well..."
  348. >"Anon, that's mean!" Pinkie yelled, annoyed that you were scolding Fluttershy for what she did wrong.
  349. "Hey, you're not the one who almost got his dick sucked by someone he's never even met before," you snapped.
  350.  
  351. >"Aye, I never took 'er for a nunner last I saw 'er," Lavi noted.
  352. "Only around me, I swear..." you sighed.
  353. >You looked around your closet for a good shirt to wear.
  354. >Unfortunately, all the shirts you wanted to wear or were decent enough did not have shirt-pockets in them, to carry Miss Lavi more easily in case she was lazy.
  355. >That only left that garish orange shirt from forever ago.
  356. >Eeeeugh...
  357. >You dreaded having to wear it around town.
  358. "Question."
  359. >"Yea?"
  360. "Do you mind flying by me as I head over? Or do you need a pocket to sit in?"
  361. >"Nae, I'll be fine," she smiled. "But I'd like ye to stay wimme while we go, just so ye don't get lost."
  362. "I've traveled the path a hundred times, at least. Getting lost isn't an issue."
  363. >She nodded. "Then in that case I wanna travel by pocket. It might be a bit o' fun."
  364. >You could not help but groan.
  365. “See, the problem is I'd have to wear this incredibly horrible shirt to do that.”
  366. >Lavi then shot a puppy-eye look towards you. “Pleeeeeeeeeease?”
  367. >Welp.
  368. >You were never immune to the dreaded puppy-eye look.
  369. >Who were you to deny the girl a luxurious pocket cruise?
  370.  
  371. >Thankfully, nothing of importance happened on the way to town, and sure as day itself you found the townsfolk gathered around watching the other Breezies fly around.
  372. >That was when you met with Fluttershy and some other Breezies.
  373. >"Good morning, Anon," Fluttershy whispered. "You're up early. You're still here for the Breezie Migration?"
  374. "Yeah, it's obviously my favorite thing to do in the whole, entire world," you deadpanned.
  375. >Even if the Migration was something you never experienced before back home, it didn't change the fact that the event was gay as all hell.
  376. >Then Fluttershy noticed your shirt.
  377. >”That's, um...a n-nice shirt you got there...”
  378. “Yeah, thanks,” you lied.
  379. >Yup.
  380. >You knew it was a bad idea.
  381. >But unfortunately for you, the pocket cruise was a go.
  382. "Actually, no, I'm here because someone actually entered my house last night, and I need to return her."
  383. >You gestured to the Breezie in your pocket.
  384. "Fluttershy, I dunno if you two have met but this is-"
  385. >"Lavendula!" squeaked another Breezie from right beside Fluttershy.
  386. >This little one had pink hair and blue skin - a real Smurf if you ever saw one.
  387. >And she looked rightfully pissed.
  388. >You'd be, too, if someone you knew snuck off in the middle of the night.
  389. >She then gave Lavi a huge verbal thrashing in what you presumed was some form Scottish or Irish.
  390. >To all of this, Lavi lashed back with her own native curses.
  391. >You'd be lying if you understood a word they said - perhaps that was for the better.
  392. >...Nah, you could stand to learn a few Gaelic swears.
  393. >Not that often you get a chance.
  394. "Dare I ask what they're talking about?"
  395. >"U-Um," Fluttershy stammered, "well, profanities aside Seabreeze here was incredibly worried about Lavi's safety."
  396. >Damn, maybe next time.
  397. "Fair enough."
  398. >You glanced down at Seabreeze.
  399. "Sorry about all the trouble, ma'am - but I did my best not to-"
  400. >"MA'AM?!"
  401. >Ohhhhhhh shit, that was a dude, wasn't it?!
  402.  
  403. >Starlight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all burst out laughing as you recounted your nigh-fatal mistake.
  404. "In my defense, his voice and appearance were girly as fuck."
  405. >"Doesn't change the fact you accidentally insulted a Breezie official," Fluttershy winced.
  406. "Yeah," you nodded. "Remind me not to piss him off ever again. Maaaaan, if I had to relive the words he said..."
  407.  
  408. >"WHAT KINDA ORANGE-CHEST BEAST WOULD JUST GO UPPIN CALL ME A GIRL AS IF EH WERE SOME NURSE FROM TARTAERUS?!"
  409. >Yeah.
  410. >Ya done fucked up.
  411. "Uhhhhhhh-"
  412. >"IN ALL ME YEARS OF TRAVELLING, AI NAEVER SAW THIS HAPPEN WITH ANNAETER LIVIN' THING! FLUTTERSHY TOLD ME THAT YE HUMANS WERE A WAELY BUNCH, BUT AI NAEVER THOUGHT YE'D BE DISRESPECTFUL! IF AI DIDN'T HAVE A JORB TE DO, AI'D-"
  413. >"Oh, COME ouf it, Seabreeze," snapped Lavi, visibly and audibly annoyed by Seabreeze's rant. "He dinnae know, he dunnae mean anythin' by it, and he's just as unfamiliaire of us as ye'are of him!"
  414. >"W-Well, I mean-"
  415. >"Wait, yeire able te speak Equish?!"
  416. >"Yea."
  417. >"U-Um, excuse me, you two, b-but-"
  418. "Wait, you mean you're not-"
  419. >"Then why did ye naigh tell me before?!"
  420. >"It dinnae come up before, ya doof!"
  421. "Excuse me, but-"
  422. >"Ohh, missy, yer fatter might be proud, but that dunnae excoose you from sneakain off like that!"
  423. >"Well Ai wouldent scoot off if ye didn't-"
  424. >Okay this was going on far enough.
  425. "Can I please get a word in edgewise before this whole conversation becomes nothing but goddamn quote marks?!" you interrupted, annoyed at everyone talking over another.
  426. >Fluttershy shrunk back at your sudden rise in tone.
  427. >The others were pushed back at your outburst.
  428. "Okay, now that I have everyone's attention," you whispered, "it's apparent that you two know each other. Seabreeze, sir, I'm really sorry about calling you 'ma'am' - my bad and all that jazz - but what is going on with Lavendura? That's what I want to know."
  429. >Seabreeze scowled at you for a bit, then sighed. "Late last naigh, Ai discovered that Lavendura 'ad gone missin' - Ai suspected she were off collectain pollen, so Ai thought nothing of it, but when Ai daedn't see her come dawn Ai was worried sick."
  430. >The pink-haired Breezie then scowled at Lavi. "So wot were ye thinking, ya git?!"
  431. >Lavi sighed. "Yea, I were off collectain pollen, but I didn't find any, and the breeze weren't any good in gettin' me home, so I let it carry me to this fine paerson."
  432. >Seabreeze went pale. "Faine paerson? Ye mean this graen and orange dobber?"
  433. >Wait, dobber?
  434. "Excuse me now?"
  435. >"He ain't a dobber, uncle Seabreeze! He let me in when Ai 'ad nowhere else to go - gave me a nice, warm bed an' everything!"
  436. >Wait, UNCLE?
  437. >Seabreeze gave a sigh of relief, then went up to your face and glared. "Is it true?"
  438. "Errrr, yeah, pretty much."
  439. >He stared at you for just a few seconds longer, before backing down. "Ai see."
  440. "Alright, introductions. Sea Breeze, my name is Anon, and-"
  441. >"Ai know that, ya bampot!"
  442. >Bampot, now?
  443. >These have to be some Breezie insults or something.
  444.  
  445. "The worst part is, I still don't have any idea what he was saying, honestly," you noted.
  446. >"Well..." Fluttershy sighed, "I-I think he was complimenting you."
  447. "Oh really, now?"
  448. >Fluttershy nodded, smiling at her explanation.
  449. >Well that makes you feel better.
  450. >"Fluttershy, sugarcube, Ah know you mean well," Applejack interjected, "but Ah thought they were-"
  451. >To this, Fluttershy elbowed the farm pone.
  452. >Okay...then.
  453. >Insults they were.
  454. >You'll have to save them for later.
  455. >For the time being, you decided after that to move onto the story.
  456.  
  457. "Okay, look, all I came back in town for was to give your niece back, and-"
  458. >It was at this time you noticed Lavi cuddling up against your neck.
  459. >Fucking adorable for reasons you would regret later.
  460. "And as you can tell, she really likes my company right now."
  461. >Seabreeze gave Lavi a quick glance-over, and shook his head. "Ya know 'e won't there ta keep ye company forever, right, Lavandula?"
  462. >Lavi simply giggled.
  463. "What are you on about, sir?" you asked.
  464. >Fluttershy cleared her throat in the most adorable of ways.
  465. >Reminded you of your sister.
  466. >"U-Um, well, since she seems to like you protecting her, why don't the two of you walk around town?"
  467. "What are *you* on about?" you asked.
  468. >Fluttershy smiled. "Just so you two can enjoy the festivities while they're still here. A little, um...sightseeing."
  469. >Oh great.
  470. >She's trying to set you and Lavi up on a date.
  471. >Why she would do that when SHE's the one who wants in your pants was beyond you, but nevertheless this is shipping of the highest current.
  472. >More reasons to put the Breezie at risk.
  473. >And more importantly, more reasons to bring out your old books on mythology.
  474. >You know, in case it becomes surprisingly relevant.
  475. "And are you absolutely sure it's safe for me to take her around town? You know this place isn't completely fool-proof."
  476. >"Oh, I've planned for that too."
  477. >Oh great, now she's accommodating the rest of the town for them.
  478. >What is this, a refugee camp?
  479. "Well, whatever. I guess I could do that."
  480. >You scouted out locations to sight-see.
  481. >And you decided to start with an old favorite - Sugarcube Corner.
  482. "Mr. Seabreeze, sir, are you alright with me taking Miss Lavandula to Sugarcube Corner?" you asked.
  483. >He shrugged. "Faine by me. Ye'll keep 'er safe, right?"
  484. "I'll try."
  485. >"Good."
  486. >Then he shot a nasty look towards Lavi. "But dunnae try any funny stuff, missy!"
  487. >To this, Lavi simply stuck her tongue out.
  488. >Welp, onwards to the place that will almost certainly give you a headache.
  489.  
  490. >"What?" Pinkie pouted. "I'm not THAT annoying, right?"
  491. "No, no, of course not!" you denied, waving her concerns out with a hand up in the air. "It's just those ice cream cupcakes you and Mrs. Cake always make that do me in."
  492. >"Really? I thought you loved cupcakes!"
  493. "I do, actually, just not when they have a shitton of ice cream in the middle. Those brain freezes are frustratingly painful! Painful, I tell you!”
  494. >You could never forget the ice cream incident of 'Day Taste Tester in Equestria'...
  495. “However, speaking of things that frustrate me..."
  496.  
  497. >"Hiii, Nonny!" Pinkie whispered.
  498. >And by whispered you mean called out in a raspy voice as she glomped you in her forelegs like she always did.
  499. >Goddammit Ponk.
  500. "Pinkie, gerroffa me," you mumbled, your voiced mumbled by her chest fluff. "Godda Breezie omme."
  501. >"Oh, sorry," she whispered, finally getting into the spirit of the Breezie Migration.
  502. >Pinkie giggled. “You should see Rarity about that!”
  503. >Uhhh...
  504. “About what-”
  505. >Oh, wait, right – that shitty orange shirt.
  506. “Oh. Yeah, had nothing else to wear.”
  507. >Bullshit and you knew it, but like you said the puppy-eye look did you in.
  508. >You used that moment to look around.
  509. >Yep, just as Fluttershy had said, she prepared for everything.
  510. >There were tables upon tables of accommodations for Breezies.
  511. >And you weren't even joking when you said tables upon tables – each table had at least two tiny little tables, complete with silverware.
  512. >No doubt Pinkie had a part in this.
  513. >You would not even rule out the fact that food would be sized down for them.
  514. >Then, Pinkie hugged you again, this time much more gently.
  515. >Lavi sneered.
  516. >"Oi! Shove oaf ya doof!" she called off. "This faire gentlecolt will only git hugs from me this day!"
  517. >Pinkie blinked. "Ex-CUSE me?"
  518. >Oh shit, gettin' possessive over here.
  519. >"Yea, ye 'eard me!"
  520. >"Well exCUSE me, ma'am," Pinkie growled, "but it may interest you to know that I give GREAT hugs, and Green Bean over here ALWAYS loves MY hugs."
  521. >Jury's still out on that one.
  522. >Also >Green Bean.
  523. >That's a new one.
  524. >"GREEN BEAN? Why Ai aughta-
  525. "Ladies, ladies, please! No fighting over this hunk of meat," you interjected, trying to stop the arguing. "I'm just here to visit, grab a bite to eat, that's all."
  526. >Pinkie huffed.
  527. "Besides, I like both of your hugs just fine."
  528. >Better than what you usually got.
  529.  
  530. >"And what DID you usually get, might I ask?" asked Twilight.
  531. "Ehhhhhh, nothing much, actually. Just a few punches and kicks from my father, and a few lashes with a whip from my mother."
  532. >Everyone gasped, leaving you to cackle.
  533. "Kidding, kidding!" you amended. "Anyway..."
  534.  
  535. >”And...are you sure this Breezie won't cause problems?”
  536. >Nope.
  537. “Pretty sure.”
  538. >"Okie-dokey-loki..." Pinkie muttered, still incredibly uncertain over Lavi.
  539. >Then, she zipped over to the cash register in the blink of an eye, and resumed smiling.
  540. >"Then what can I get you today?"
  541. >You glanced up at the menu.
  542. >Huh, blueberry muffins are on discount this week.
  543. "Oi, Lavi, see anything you like?"
  544. >Then, you noticed that Lavi was not anywhere near your neck.
  545. >Instead, she was far above you, looking at the the menu from a perpendicular view.
  546. >"Hmmmm...nay. Nothaign's comin' t' mind, Anonymous."
  547. >You shrugged.
  548. "Alright, I'll have a blueberry muffin with milk," you ordered. "Freshly made, as per usual."
  549. >"You got it! Was just about to put them in the oven anyway! And then what about you, Miss...err..."
  550. >Lavi sighed. "Lavandula, missus Pinkie. And...tha mi a bheil an aon biadh mar mo Anonymous."
  551. >Ehhhhhhhh?
  552. >You could not understand a single word she said.
  553. >"Ah, alright! I'll be right back with your order."
  554. >With that, Pinkie zipped off to complete your order.
  555. >You glanced down at Lavi as you found a table to sit in.
  556. "You're lucky that Pinkie can apparently understand whatever it is you Breezies speak, otherwise I think a worse man – or pony, rather - would-a kicked you out."
  557. >"Our native tounge wert 'Breezie', milord."
  558. >Well fuck.
  559. >Also >'milord'.
  560. >THAT'S a new one.
  561. "Also what was that all about?"
  562. >"Oh, Ai just ordered something Ai-"
  563. "No, not that. What happened between you and Pinkie, anyway?"
  564. >Lavi's antennae twitched again.
  565. >Oh boy.
  566. >"Oh, Ai dun like her."
  567. >Ah.
  568. "I gathered that. But why?"
  569. >"Well, daedn't ya see 'er? 'Ow she tried to hug you against your will?"
  570. >You chuckled.
  571. "Yeah, it's her way of showing affection. It never gets any easier."
  572. >She huffed. "Then the dunderhead keeps caromin' out and about makin' it hard for us Breezies to even git anyplace! 'Ave you tried gettin' aon word edgewise while bein' knocked about by her jumpin'?!"
  573. >You never considered her pronking to be an issue.
  574. "I see where you're coming from, yes. But-"
  575. >Then, Lavi scowled deeply. "Ai also hear she's awfy inconsiderait to everyone, so it's not just me an' the Breezies. Goodness me, Ai hear she's really bossy around those she's got a crush on, ta' the point of punchin' and hoofin' em about, 'specially when they're pished!"
  576.  
  577. >"What?! I never! I'm not bossy at all!" Pinkie denied, inflammed by your recounting of the whole mess. "She better take that back, that witch!"
  578. >"We know that, Pinkie," Twilight confirmed, trying to get her to calm down, "we've established it almost exactly a day after things got sorted."
  579. "Yeah, but like I said, I was an gullible idiot back then and let her go on and on about-."
  580. >"You still are, Green Bean," jeered Rainbow Dash.
  581. >Oh great, now SHE'S going to call you Green-Bean.
  582. >Just what you always wanted.
  583. "Shut up."
  584.  
  585. "Uh huh," you glowered. "Pinkie is a number of things, and listing them all would bring this section of green up to at least ten thousand words on those alone - but I somehow don't think 'bossy' is one of them."
  586. >"Don't believe me?"
  587. >Not really, no.
  588. >"Then try makin' a hoor of her, see what happens."
  589. >You did not like the sound of that.
  590. "Let's, uh, drop the subject for now, alright?"
  591. >She smiled. "Good. Now, do ye like it 'ere?"
  592. "Er, excuse me?"
  593. >"In Ponyville, where all the giants live. Dunnae it get boring after a while?"
  594. >You shook your head.
  595. "It's absolutely insane here. Almost every month, something crazy happens to make it almost painful to live here. At the same time, it beats living back where I used to live by a country mile. It's incredibly boring and hellish on Earth. Like, when you've had to live under fear of-"
  596.  
  597. "And as I explained to her what it was like on Earth, I couldn't help but notice her smiling and staring at me in this dopey-eyed expression, not paying any attention to what I was saying."
  598. >"It seems to me that this Lavi was in love with you," noted Starlight Glimmer.
  599. >If this was directed to you roughly two weeks ago that would have penetrated your defenses and put you in full spaghetti mode.
  600. >But since this was after the fact, you smirked.
  601. "Oh, you have no idea. Anyway, I didn't mention it to her at the time, because I had a lot to get off my chest."
  602.  
  603. "And don't even get me started on the Democrats. Man, that party SUCKS for a number of reasons."
  604. >"Uh huh.." she mumbled.
  605. >Suddenly, you noticed a certain pink horse pronk all the way to your table carrying a basket of two blueberry muffins, one of which was smaller than the other.
  606. >"Order up!" she whispered giddily, placing the two muffins on the table.
  607. >At the time, you were fairly certain you weren't THAT hungry, and you were also fairly certain you only ordered one muffin.
  608. "What's with the other muffin?"
  609. >"Finally! Wot took ye so long?!" Lavi yelled at Pinkie as she held onto the table for dear life.
  610. >Pinkie scowled. “Well excuse me, Lavendoola,” (here, she emphasized the DOO part), but these itty-bitty muffins take time to get just right!”
  611. >Man, who put a bee in HER panties today?
  612. >As Pinkie trotted off in a huff, it finally hit you.
  613. >God damn you're slow.
  614. "Uh oh..."
  615. >"Wot is it, Anonymous?"
  616. "Sorry, having a minor case of deja vu. Did you just order the same thing I did?"
  617. >She shrugged. "Yea, wot of it?"
  618. >Oh god dammit, not this shit again.
  619. "Nevermind. You know there's more things on the menu than just blueberry muffins, right?"
  620. >"Yea, but Ai wanted a blueberry muffin today."
  621. >She peered over at her relatively ginormous meal. "It's..a wallaper, though."
  622. “Errr...”
  623. >A 'wallaper'?
  624. >”Sorry. A wallaper is 'a big meal' in Breezie tongue.”
  625. >A big meal.
  626. >You could eat one of her 'wallaper' muffins like a potato chip.
  627. >By over-dramatizing it like that guy from Death Note.
  628. "Anyway, so Seabreeze is your uncle, right?"
  629. >She huffed. "Yea. Why?"
  630. "Okay, because he seemed to me like he's your guardian or something."
  631. >"'E is, but the old tube won't go off for more than a gust o' silver wind 'fore he comes runnain' and findain' me."
  632. "I guess he don't approve of you swearing, either?"
  633. >"Nae, he swears more than Ai e'er could, but my father don't like it, saying 'it's unbecomain o' ye' or somethain, like Ai can't take care o' myself."
  634. >You rolled her eyes.
  635. >Sounded like her father treated her like an actual princess or some shit.
  636. >That would explain that “gold armor on the back of a butterfly” comment from earlier.
  637. >You munched on your muffin as you tried to comfort her.
  638. "Well, whatever happens later on, I'm sure he'll be proud of you."
  639. >She simply looked away as she munched on her muffin.
  640. "Anyway..."
  641. >And then the two of you talked and talked for the rest of breakfast about regular, more casual stuff, before deciding to head out.
  642. >"Alraight, Sir Anonymous, where to now?"
  643. >You smiled. "The Carousel Boutique. I'm gonna see if we can make you a dress."
  644. >"A dress?" she parroted, before scowling. "Ye're joking. Are ye actually good friends with the dress-crafter?"
  645. >You nodded. "An apprentice, too. At the very least it might come in handy if there's ever a dumb enough situation I land in."
  646. >Her antennae twitched again, a pattern you would see repeat over the course of the story.
  647. >"Well, alraight then..." she muttered.
  648.  
  649. "And that is where I will leave off for now," you concluded.
  650. >As you started to get up, Rainbow Dash pounced on you. "Oh no you don't, Green Bean. You're not leaving here without finishing what you started."
  651. "Oh, don't mind me," you assured her. "I just need to use the bathroom, alright?"
  652. >Rainbow narrowed her eyes. "Alright, but you'd better make it quick. I really want to see how embarrassing this story is."
  653. "Don't worry, I'll be out of there in NO time!"
  654.  
  655. Chapter 3 - Dressmaker (#drsm)
  656. >Still Day Cards Against Equinity in Equestria.
  657. >Still Anon.
  658. >And as you finished up in the bathroom, you realized something.
  659. >This bathroom had a window.
  660. >And its window was unlocked.
  661. >And this wasn't even on the second floor.
  662. >Holy fucking shit you could get out of here and save yourself the embarrassment.
  663. >FREEDOM!
  664. >In a renewed sense of unadulterated glee, you attempted to open the window and escape.
  665. >However, as your hands touched the borders of the window, you felt a magical surge course through your body.
  666. >Before you knew it, you were swiftly teleported back at the table where you and the others were playing Cards Against Equinity.
  667. >God DAMN it.
  668. >"Let me guess," Twilight scowled. "You tried to escape using the old bathroom trick?"
  669. "...Yep."
  670. >Pinkie giggled.
  671. >Yep.
  672. >It was too good to be true.
  673. >Twilight smirked. "That's what I thought. Anyway, you left off as you were going to Rarity's place, right?"
  674. >You groaned.
  675. >This was so not worth the cake Pinkie Pie said she was going to make at the end of the night...
  676.  
  677. >Still Day Purple Nurple in Equestria.
  678. >As you knocked on the door to the Carousel Boutique, you realized with all your heart that you were Anonymous.
  679. >I mean, why would you think anything different?
  680. >But as the house bore no response, you realized she might not be home.
  681. >Saddened by yet another time you've been screwed out of actually exercising your apprenticeship for once, you sighed.
  682. "Welp, I guess that's a bust, guess we're going to-"
  683. >"COMIIIIING~" Rarity trilled from indoors.
  684. >Oh shit, you might actually get to do it this time!
  685. >The door opened, and Rarity smiled as she saw you. "Good morning, Anonymous!"
  686. "Mornin'."
  687. >She stared at your shirt, and nearly gagged at the sight of it. "Oh my, darling, whatever possessed you to wear that garish orange shirt?"
  688. >You grumbled.
  689. "For starters, it has a pocket," you whispered, gesturing mildly to the purple-haired breezie who was sitting ever-so-snug inside the pocket.
  690. >Rarity blinked. "O-Oh! I didn't see you there," she whispered, realizing exactly who she was dealing with.
  691. >"'Ello to you to," Lavendula smiled.
  692. >Rarity nodded, then went back inside, leaving the door open.
  693. >As far as you were aware of, you were always welcome in her home at this point, you being very close friends with her.
  694. >So you decided to let yourself in.
  695. >You looked around to see what accommodations Rarity had made for the Breezies.
  696. >Surprisingly, nothing too major.
  697. >A couple of mini-mannequins using pony-shaped models, but that was about it.
  698. >There were a couple of bottled sprays of some kind scattered about the dressers, but at this angle you couldn't tell what they were.
  699. >"You'll have to forgive the mess, Anon," Rarity explained, "but I've been trying to keep this place somewhat sanitary."
  700. >The 'mess'.
  701. >Uh-huh.
  702.  
  703. >Rarity scowled as you recalled that part. "Well, I certainly consider it a mess."
  704. >You chuckled.
  705. "Yeah, you should probably see my house half the time. If my 'messes' were like yours I would have no room to poke fun at you."
  706.  
  707. >"Miss, err..."
  708. >"Lavendula," Lavi dryly explained.
  709. >"Yes, Miss Lavendula. If you could refrain from drooling like some of the other, more unruly Breezies, I would be ever so grateful."
  710. >Yeah, you would not doubt there being some fucking teenagers in the Breezie community.
  711. >Lavi merely rolled her eyes. "Ai'll try."
  712. >"Thank you ever so much," Rarity sighed. "I couldn't begin to tell you how hard it is to get rid of Breezie stains off of my furniture."
  713. "Wait, 'Breezie stains'?"
  714. >First you're hearing of this.
  715. >Lavi shook her head. "It waern't something Ai am proud of, milord, but me and the others have a problaim where our spit can melt."
  716. >E-Excuse you?!
  717. "W-Wait, what?"
  718. >"Yes, and it's apparently corrosive enough to melt glass if they're not careful," Rarity clarified.
  719. >Yikes, you'll have to remember that one next Breezie Migration.
  720. >...Y'know, in case someone decides to break into your house again.
  721. >Not that that's going to happen anytime soon, right?
  722. “Ah, so that's what those sprays are for. Interestingu...”
  723. >"Anyway, Anonymous, darling, is there anything you needed?"
  724. >Oh, right, the primary reason you came here.
  725. "Yes, actually. I'd like to try and make a dress for Miss Lavendula over here."
  726. >"Are you sure you don't want her to try on some of the pre-made ones?"
  727. "Pretty sure. Wouldn't have come in here otherwise."
  728. >Rarity chuckled. "Sounds like someone's feeling a bit generous here today."
  729. >You would have protested, but deep down you knew it was true.
  730. >Plus, Rarity was apparently the former Element-Bearer of Generosity, so apparently she might have known.
  731. "Well, I guess. Mainly I just want to give my good friend Writeslut some torture to go with his writing."
  732. >Rarity rolled her eyes.
  733. >Someday, they would know the truth.
  734. >You glanced down at Lavendula, who was staring at Rarity with nervous tension.
  735. "Lavi, is it okay if I take your measurements? I promise this won't hurt."
  736. >You know it won't hurt.
  737. >You've tried.
  738. >Lavi nodded. "For you, my Anonymous? Anythain."
  739. >Oh my how lewd.gif
  740. >Rarity gave you some measuring tape, and allowed you to take Lavi's measurements.
  741. >"I'll be outside," Rarity mentioned to you. "I suppose there are some, er, other Breezie customers to tend to. Let me know if you need anything!"
  742. "Will do."
  743. >As Rarity left the room, you sighed.
  744. >Presumably, Rarity's testing you.
  745. >You've had experience dealing with dresses for ponies of various sizes, so making a dress for them isn't quite as awkward as one would think.
  746. >But try downsizing that to someone who's not even a 10th of their size, and see how that goes.
  747. >Obviously, if you could do this right Rarity might be proud of you.
  748. >Which is why you're going to fuck it up completely.
  749. "Alright, so Lavendula's about 4 inches long, 7 inches high, plus I have to account for those pretty sizable wings," you muttered to yourself, in an attempt to figure out how much cloth you needed. "So that means I need no more than 4 feet of cloth..."
  750. >Okay, you had a fairly decent idea of what you needed to do, but-
  751. >"Faire Anonymous?"
  752. >Your eye twitched as your were interrupted from your thought.
  753. "Yeah?"
  754. >"How did ye become...ahem, friends, with Missus Rarity?"
  755. "Well," you tried to explain, as you worked out the best way to make a dress for her, "it started when I first came to Equestria. As I explained earlier, I'm not quite from around here, and to be honest, I don't even remember how I even got here. The memory's all fuzzy in my head, something about a huge storm washing me and my other stuff all the way here. But when I woke up, I saw her there, staring at me, smiling. And she told me, and forgive me if I'm paraphrasing here, 'Oh, deary, are you awake? I-I noticed nopony else was here to pick you up. Are you okay, sir?' ...or something like that."
  756. >Holy wall of text, Batman!
  757. >Lavi sighed. "And then what happened?"
  758. "Then, I decided to respond in the most elegant of ways."
  759. >"Which was?"
  760. >You smirked. "'Holy shit a talking horse!'"
  761. >Lavi giggled.
  762. >Gets 'em every time.
  763. >"So ye scared 'er off, then?"
  764. "No, no, I think she knew I was reacting reasonably at the time, being from another world and all. But since she was the first pony who even tried to help me get on my feet here, I kinda hold a huge amount of respect for her. I might even..."
  765. >You shook your head.
  766. >Let's not get distracted now, shall we?
  767. >You think you've worked out the best way to make a functional dress for a Breezie like her.
  768. >Hell, you've gotten it drawn on a piece of paper.
  769. >All that remains is to actually make it not look like a piece of shit.
  770. >You took a quick glance at Lavi.
  771. >Your mind immediately turned to green as the better coloration for this dress.
  772. >But you wanted to be certain...
  773. "Question: is there any color you particularly hate?"
  774. >She paused to think about it for a second.
  775. >"Pink or yellow. Especially together."
  776. >Ah.
  777. >You would've thought she would hate red or something.
  778. "So is green an okay color? I think it kinda fits, being opposite colors from one-"
  779. >Lavi smiled. "Green's a paerfict colour, milord."
  780. >This better not be some fedora tipper bullshit.
  781. >But nevertheless, green was on the table.
  782. >You looked around to see if there was any green cloth you could use.
  783. >Aha!
  784. >You found three pieces of fabric to use for her dress - chiffon, satin, and charmeuse.
  785. >"Oooh!" Lavi cooed, pointing to one of the fabric. "Ai like this one."
  786. "The chiffon?"
  787. >She nodded.
  788. >Made sense.
  789. >You decided to use the chiffon, and started cutting out a portion of the fabric to use for Lavi's dress.
  790. >Once you'd carved out the standard proportions of a pony dress, even adding little slits to fit her wings through, you started to weave them together using an emerald-shaded thread, which required utmost concentra-
  791. >"Anon, sire?"
  792. >You paused your work for the moment.
  793. >So much for concentration.
  794. "Mmmmm?"
  795. >"What made ye decide to work 'ere, of all ponies ye can be oonder?"
  796. >You smiled.
  797. "Oh, I don't work here for pay. I'm mostly getting some training done here in case I want to get a job in that industry. It's what we call an apprenticeship."
  798. >"Oh Ai know, Ai know. But oonder Missus Rarity? Why 'er?"
  799. "Well, part of it is because I want to help repay her for setting me up in Equestria. It's also because she saw my hands, and apparently thought they lent well to dress making. Speaking of which, I need to concentrate for a second."
  800. >You tried again to weave the fabrics together, hoping to God this didn't go horribly wrong like always.
  801. >Once you were certain the different parts of the dress were woven together, you smiled.
  802. >Now to fuck it up completely by adding nice details to it!
  803. “Okay, we're good for now.”
  804. >"Dunnae you want another job that pays you anythain?"
  805. "Oh, I do," you corrected. "I work under Pinkie Pie at the cash register over at Sugarcube Corner as my day job."
  806. >Lavi's antennae twitched again.
  807. >"O Anon, O Faire Anon, ye deserve better than to toil away your life at these underclass jobs."
  808. >You chuckled.
  809. "Oh don't get me wrong, it's not that bad of a job, and it pays pretty well considering as far as I'm concerned I'm a blank slate in terms of resume."
  810. >"But Faire Anonymous," complained Lavendula, "ye deserve much better than to work the cash registair! Ai cannae imagain a Prince workain at a commonair's wheelbarrough."
  811. >You snorted.
  812. "Prince? Prince of what?"
  813. >Probably just Prince.
  814. >Lavi smiled. "Prince of the Breezie Kingdom."
  815. "Yeah, that'll be the day," you deadpanned, as Lavi went off into a dream-like trance over her comment.
  816. >Now that you think about it, it's been forever since you listened to one of Prince's albums.
  817. >You've always had a hobby for music, actually, and not just listening to it.
  818. >Maybe if you get back to Earth some day, you can try and get Prince's autograph.
  819. >Just to wipe it off the bucket list or something.
  820. >As you finished up most of the minor details, you took a moment to observe the dress as a whole.
  821. >For what little you had to work with in about a half-hour at best, it looked pretty decent.
  822. >It looked like something out of a princess's wardrobe, if any princess wanted to wear green for whatever reason.
  823. >Since you've never worked for royalty, it was far from perfect.
  824. >Some of the details were off, the stitching was kind of noticeable in some parts (mainly due to being interrupted by a questioning Breezie), and as a whole you could have done a lot more with the design.
  825. >But if nothing else, you wanted to see if it would actually fit.
  826. >"Lavi, can you do me a favor and try this on?"
  827. >Lavi nodded. "Of course, milord."
  828. >She then took the mini-creation you've made and tried to put it on.
  829. >Thankfully, since most of the ponies didn't wear clothes normally, they had no issues trying on the dress then and there, and most of them had no concept of a dressing room.
  830. >Rarity did, and claimed it was a requirement for her Canterlot Boutique since clothes were practically everywhere over there.
  831. >That being said, this wasn't Canterlot.
  832. >You'd think all this wouldn't set off your boner, but those were the cards you've been dealt.
  833. >Thankfully, you've figured out how to put it in check most of the time.
  834. >Most of the time.
  835. >There were some ponies who tried to put clothes on seductively, making it hard to concentrate.
  836. >Something something boner pls stop-
  837. >You shook your head.
  838. >Getting sidetracked, here.
  839. >To your surprise, Lavi had little to no issues in putting it on, even effortlessly pulling her wings through the little slits you'd cut through the body.
  840. >As she finished putting it on, you took a minute to look her over.
  841. >It all seemed to fit her like a glove.
  842. >And it looked much, MUCH better when it's actually being worn.
  843. >But you had a feeling it might be too tight on her.
  844. >It was the biggest issue you've had with fancy clothes - they were all uncomfortable to wear.
  845. >That's the one thing you always try to avoid when making clothes.
  846. "How's it feel on you?" you asked.
  847. >Lavi giggled. "Ai love it!"
  848. >Well that's a relief, but it didn't answer your question.
  849. "I mean, how does it fit?"
  850. >"It fits just perfectly, Faire Anonymous."
  851. >And before you could react, Lavi floated up to you and kissed you firmly on the cheek.
  852.  
  853. >Applejack gasped with a precious smile on her face, as if she knew something you didn't.
  854. >Rainbow Dash only snickered.
  855. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up you two," you snarled, completely and utterly embarrassed that you had to recount that part. "That kiss was honestly the least of my problems."
  856. >"Problems?" Applejack asked. "Ah'd say you were pretty lucky to be kissed by a Breezie."
  857. "Or by anyone at the rate I'm going," you muttered.
  858. >"That's not quite what Ah meant. Granny used to tell me all these tales an' folklore about how bein' kissed by a Breezie would bring ya good luck for the rest o' the week."
  859. >Oh, really?
  860. "That's quite a tall tale."
  861. >"I-I mean," Fluttershy stammered, "she's not wrong. I think it has something to do with the power of Breezie magic affecting either your behavior around the world or the world around you, and by a Breezie kissing you it might've made things turn out better for you. I-I mean, even though it didn't quite...well..."
  862. >Twilight pondered on this for a split second. "I've read up on Breezie magic a little while after the incident, and I don't remember anything like that coming up in my research."
  863. >Whatever it was, it sure didn't help you out at all.
  864.  
  865. >The door opened, and Rarity entered the room with a scowl on her face.
  866. >You immediately pulled away to try and avoid Rarity walking in on it.
  867. >Y-You know, for professional reasons.
  868. "I swear, I think Pinkie Pie does it on purpose."
  869. >You don't even want to know what happened with her.
  870.  
  871. >Before Pinkie could open her mouth, you pointed at the pink horse.
  872. "And before you ask, no, I still don't."
  873. >”B-But-”
  874. “Anyway...”
  875.  
  876. >Her eyes darted to the dress you made, currently being worn by its intended recipient.
  877. >"All done, I presume?"
  878. "More or less," you noted. "Care to take a look?"
  879. >Rarity trotted over to your workstation, and peered over at what you dubbed the 'Doctorate'.
  880. >"Hmmmm..." Rarity mused, as she analyzed the dress. "From a cursory glance, it looks like you've tried to make something for actual nobility, but were completely out of your league when doing so. There are a couple of threads loose, the pattern you were trying to go for is a little uneven, and the length of the dress might prove problematic if Miss Lavendula is trying to go anywhere fast."
  881. >Your eye twitched, and you could have sworn that at the same time, Lavi's antennae twitched as well.
  882. >Shit, you forgot about ergonomics.
  883. >ALWAYS WIND ERGONOMICS THAT FUCKS YOU UP, GOD DAMN IT.
  884. >"However, it looks like everything else fits very decently, and it has the general feel of being homemade, something that holds a lot more value than even the royals think. Plus, I really like how you took complimentary colors into account. Overall," Rarity concluded, "this is a very decent dress, especially for your first time working with a Breezie."
  885. >You smiled.
  886. "Well, I mean I could've done better, but-"
  887. >"Oh, hush, Anonymous," Lavi chided. "It's a perfaict dress, Ai think."
  888. >>implying
  889. >"Oh, it's good for what it is," Rarity noted, "but-"
  890. >Lavendula shot a nasty glare at your friendly neighborhood dress horse.
  891. >"Er, I mean, a-as long as you like it, that's all I'm worried about."
  892. >You took a quick look at your watch.
  893. >11:17.
  894. >Hey, not bad.
  895. >You were still full from breakfast earlier, so...
  896. >Hmmmm...
  897. >What else did you want to do while you were here...?
  898. >OH.
  899. >RIGHT.
  900. "Rarity, I have a question."
  901. >"Sure! What is it, darling?"
  902. "I know you've been trying to make a line of human shirts for me to try out, but do you have anything with pockets? Specifically, something that isn't a terrifying shade of orange like the garbage I'm wearing right now?"
  903. >Rarity shook her head. "Unfortunately, I haven't got any of those. Had I known you were dating a Breezie, I would've-"
  904. >You blushed furiously at her remark.
  905. "I'm not- Buh- We're not-"
  906. >Both Lavendula and Rarity giggled.
  907. >"O Faire Anonymous, ye're so cute and handsome when you stuttair like that..." cooed Lavi.
  908. >blushingintensifies.gif
  909.  
  910. "And after that," you concluded, "I decided to just leave before things got more frustrating for my sanity."
  911. >Rarity tutted. "I wasn't trying to scare you off. You know that, right?"
  912. "Yeah, I guess," you muttered. "But at the time-"
  913. >"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Rainbow Dash interrupted. "This is from Anon's point of view, right?"
  914. "Yep. Why?"
  915. >"I think he's not telling the entire truth."
  916. >Wow, what a bitch she's being right now.
  917. >You start to embarrass yourself and she complains that you're not embarrassing yourself to the fullest.
  918. "...And why would you say that?" you asked, almost curious as to how she came to that conclusion.
  919. >"I think I get the basic idea - this Lavendula girl was a jerk, and she's been that way to both Pinkie and Rarity, but not to Anon because she was apparently all lovey-dovey over him. And I'm guessing that created competition for her so she ended up being kind of a jerk."
  920. >You've done it, Rainbow, you've solved the mystery.
  921. >Congratulations.
  922. >"But the way Anon describes it, apparently neither of them noticed how bad it was. What gives?"
  923. >You note that she's not wrong-
  924. >Wait, no, she's definitely wrong.
  925. "The fuck are you talking about, Dashie? I just spent part of the latter half of the last set of green describing how frustrated Pinkie Pie was over Lavendula."
  926. >Rainbow Dash huffed. "Well, I'd like to know more about this from someone OTHER than Anon, just to make sure you're not just exaggerating to make yourself look like a saint."
  927. >If anything you're making yourself look like the devil.
  928. >Not that Rainbow's doing herself any favors.
  929. >Twilight rolled her eyes. "Pinkie, Rarity, care to explain where Anon can't, so Rainbow will stop whining about it?"
  930. >”I'm not whining!” Rainbow interjected. “I'm only...er, complaining.”
  931. >”Please, darling,” mocked Rarity. “That joke's been run into the ground for far too long after I told it.”
  932. >Pinkie nodded. "Anyway, to answer Dash's question, Anon's story about me was pretty spot on. However, and I didn't think either of them noticed it, but I heard every word they said."
  933. >Oh shit.
  934. >That put chills down your spine.
  935. >"And I really wasn't happy over how Lavendula was treating me, but I thought she was just having a pretty rotten day, so I let it slide for the most part. Besides, customer is always right."
  936. >Fair enough.
  937. >"That being said, I was, well, a little frustrated. I'll let Rarity tell you that one."
  938. >"And Rarity, what about you?" asked Rainbow.
  939.  
  940. >Be Rarity for once.
  941. >And Anon was, in fact, not exaggerating.
  942. >You'd have interjected if he was.
  943. >But he did correctly assume that you were watching over him to see if he had made any mistakes.
  944. >For the most part, you wanted to see how he tackled the job.
  945. >As he worked on the dress, you couldn't help but notice their conversation - specifically, the part where Lavendula showed concern for his welfare.
  946. >At the time, Anon assumed she was merely concerned for his sake.
  947. >But you noticed a hint of something in her voice.
  948. >Love.
  949. >A lady could always smell out love; henceforth you could tell that she was in love with Anonymous, and it showed in the words she used.
  950. >'Prince', 'milord', 'O Faire Anonymous'.
  951. >You didn't think he picked up on them at the time, but you suspected she was trying to hit on him.
  952. >Which was interesting, because-
  953. >"Rarity?"
  954. >Oh, right, you had business to attend to.
  955. >And this business involved a certain, rambunctious pink mare.
  956. "Good morning, Pinkie Pie," you greeted, smiling at her.
  957. >But once you got a moment to gaze upon her, you realized this wasn't the rambunctious pony you knew.
  958. "Er, is something troubling you, darling?"
  959. >"Yeah," Pinkie admitted. "Is Anon here? He didn't tell me he left or anything, and I'm a little worried about him."
  960. >You nodded.
  961. "He's here, but Anon is currently busy trying to make a dress for Lavendula."
  962. >Pinkie Pie twitched. "Hoo boy."
  963. "Why, is something the matter?"
  964. >"Sorry, just a teensy-weensy annoyed with her right now."
  965. >Now, you've never known Pinkie to be annoyed with anypony unless she was having issues making friends with them or the pony in question was trying to take over Equestria.
  966. >As far as you knew, Lavendula was nice, if a little rude.
  967. >Because Pinkie's been able to put up with 'rude' before, that set off a few alarm bells in your head.
  968. "Why? What happened?"
  969. >"Well, she comes into Sugarcube Corner with Anon, treats him like he's the Prince of the Breezie Kingdom, and treats me like I'm some random bully or something!"
  970. >Ooouf...
  971. >You know you've heard her use the term 'Prince' before, but...
  972. >"And I know a lot of ponies out there aren't that nice, but it was as if she just really hated *me*! I know she's supposed to be someone really, really important to the Breezies, but that doesn't give her to right to be a total jerk!"
  973. "Pinkie, calm yourself," you chided her. "I'm sure she's just had a rotten day, is all."
  974. >"Oh, no, I can tell if ponies are having a bad day, and this wasn't it. Lavendula was being very nice to Anonymous. It's like she thinks they're married or something."
  975. “Maybe it's you that's having a bad day,” you muttered.
  976. >Pinkie snorted. “I'm beginning to wonder...”
  977. >You glanced around the shop to see if there was something else to take her mind off the subject. "Well, is there anything you wanted to see me for, or did you just want to let it out?"
  978. >Pinkie glanced around the store, and immediately smiled as her eyes gazed upon a cheerleader's outfit. "Ooh! This'll go great when I take Anon to Rainbow Dash's first Wonderbolts performance later this year!"
  979. >And before you could respond, she took the outfit, gave me the bits needed to buy it and ran off.
  980. >Your eye twitched.
  981. >You could never understand her decisions on buying clothes.
  982. >Or her mood swings, for that matter.
  983.  
  984. >"And that was when I walked in to check on Anonymous," Rarity concluded.
  985. >Yeah, that sounded abut right.
  986. >Be Anonymous again.
  987. >Rainbow Dash smiled. "Okay, that makes a lot more sense."
  988. >”As it should, so you can stop 'complaining' now,” Rarity chided.
  989. >As Rainbow's smile faded into a grimace, you continued your story.
  990. "Alright, so then after that, nothing else really happened the rest of the day. We just walked around town, looked at some of the important locations around Ponyville, talked to some ponies, had every pony point out my terrible shirt, had lunch, and that was about it."
  991. >"So are y'all gonna tell us what y'all talked about?" asked Applejack.
  992. >You shrugged. "I don't remember most of it, if you want me to be real. But, we did track down Fluttershy afterwards, and..."
  993.  
  994. >Still Day Purple Nurple in Equestria.
  995. >Still Anonymous.
  996. >And it was about the end of the day for you.
  997. >All's left is to find Fluttershy and Seabreeze and send Lavi home for the day.
  998. >She's nice and all, but you can only handle so much of a purple pixie.
  999. >Good news - they were easy to find.
  1000. >"Good evening, Anon!" greeted Fluttershy.
  1001. "Evenin'," you muttered.
  1002. >"Ah, Lavendula," smiled the male Breezie.
  1003. >This time, you remembered.
  1004. >"'Ow wast Ponyville, Lavendula?" he asked.
  1005. >"Oh, it wert fine," Lavi explained. "Got to see the town, got to know my Faire Anonymous better-"
  1006. >Seabreeze blinked. "Oh, Ai see ye got a new dress!"
  1007. >Lavi giggled. "Ai'm glad ye noticed it, Uncle - Anon maden it for me!"
  1008. >Seabreeze gasped. "'E did, did he?"
  1009. "Yup," you whispered. "It's not perfect-"
  1010. >"Oh, Anon," Lavi tittered, "it's beautiful!"
  1011. >"Certainly mooch better than that orange tarp ye keep on ye."
  1012. >EVERY FUCKING TIME.
  1013. "Okay, seriously," you indignantly replied, "I was only wearing this to carry Lavendula around. I know it's terrible, but cut me some slack here!"
  1014. >"Ai'm only jobbin' ya, ya scunner!" Seabreeze chuckled. "Ai think that dress is really good on my niece, and Ai cannae thank ye enough."
  1015. >Lavi could only smile at his compliment.
  1016. >You glanced at your phone.
  1017. >6:30.
  1018. >A perfect time to go grab some grub.
  1019. >And a perfect time to get something to drink.
  1020. >"Welp, I'm gonna grab something to eat from the bar. If anyone needs me, I'll probably be there."
  1021. >As you walked away to hopefully get plastered, you noticed Lavi fly up behind you.
  1022. >"Oh, Anonymous, do ye mind if Ai join ye?"
  1023. >Before you could answer her, she was pulled back by a light-pink shade of magic.
  1024. >"Oh no you don't, missy," Seabreeze growled. "Yer Father's already worreid sick over ye, and ye gotta come over an' see 'im before he dies o'er missin' his little lassie."
  1025. >As the two of them bickered off into the sunset, you glanced over at Fluttershy.
  1026. "I'll...probably see all three of you tomorrow, won't I?"
  1027. >Fluttershy nodded.
  1028. “Alright, see ya.”
  1029. >With that, you headed off to the bar to get shitfaced.
  1030.  
  1031. "And after a couple of drinks, I headed off home to snooze the night away," you concluded.
  1032. >Applejack smiled. "Sounds like y'all had a fun time."
  1033. >Rainbow shook her head. "I really don't see how this made you afraid of Breezies."
  1034. >You chuckled.
  1035. "This ride's far from over, Rainbow Dash."
  1036.  
  1037. >Day Purple Nurple plus one in Equestria.
  1038. >Be Anonymous.
  1039. >And you were just waking up when you heard a slight giggling by your bedside.
  1040. >Rubbing your eyes, what else should fall upon your gaze but a certain white and purple Breezie watching over you?
  1041.  
  1042. Chapter 4 - Favors (#brng)
  1043. "And as you can imagine, it spooked the fuck out of me," you finished, trying to play it off as casually as possible.
  1044. >"Yeah, Ah can tell,” Applejack agreed. “Ah'd invest in a bunch o' wooden fencing by that point.”
  1045. >Or a bunch of wooden planks to board your house up with.
  1046. >For what seemed like obvious reasons, Rainbow Dash was laughing her ass off.
  1047. >Cheeky bitch.
  1048.  
  1049. "WAUGH!"
  1050. >You couldn't help but jump at this sudden sight.
  1051. >As your body fell to the floorboard, Lavendula the Breezie giggled.
  1052. >She probably lived off of your torment, you guessed.
  1053. >Would make sense.
  1054. >There are a whole species made up of feeding on love, why not predators who fed off of strife?
  1055. >Grumbling as you got up, you turned to scowl at the purple pixie.
  1056. "What in the fuck are you doing here?" you whispered, being cautious as to avoid blowing her away.
  1057. >"Welllll..." she drawled, "Ai was tryain to pick up pollain late at night..."
  1058. >Again?
  1059. >Bullshit and she knows it.
  1060. >"-and Ai found some pollain, but then the wind came and-"
  1061. "Let me stop you right there," you interrupted, your scowl embossed onto your face as you bought exactly none of her shit. "That's a flimsy excuse if I ever saw one, and I'm going to guess you snuck out solely to visit me late at night. Is that correct?"
  1062. >An awkward silence passed before Lavi answered.
  1063. >"...Yea."
  1064. >Aw for fucks sake.
  1065. >You were many things.
  1066. >'Dumbass' was one of them.
  1067. >But unlike most dumbasses, you knew that if a girl sneaks into your house twice and is willing to go on a mini-date with you, she either is trying to rob you blind or she really likes you.
  1068. >You'll have to assume the latter, because you're still a dumbass.
  1069. >This meant you might have acquired Breezie waifu.
  1070. >...and you might have the misfortune of sticking your dick in crazy.
  1071. >And you knew full well what sticking your dick in crazy would do to you.
  1072. >Speaking from experience here, of course.
  1073. >With that mind, you decided to tread carefully.
  1074. "Okay, so...how did you get in my house?"
  1075. >Lavi glanced towards the door, and explained, "Through the front door."
  1076. >The front door.
  1077. >You groaned.
  1078. >You swear to God you locked that up last night.
  1079. "Ooooookay then," you muttered, not sure what to make of this.
  1080. >Lavi giggled.
  1081. "Alright, in that case I'mma go hop in the shower and we'll head over to drop you off."
  1082. >You grabbed a set of clothes to change into and walked in the bathroom.
  1083. >Then, you remembered that chip in the door you forgot to take a look at.
  1084. >That was how she got in the bathroom, presumably.
  1085. "And this time, let a man have his privacy, K?"
  1086. >"O-Of course, milord."
  1087. >fedoratippingintensifies.gif
  1088. >As you walked into the bathroom, you remembered to lock the door.
  1089. >Then, you went ahead and took your shower.
  1090. >...
  1091. >Ahhhhhh, so refreshing~
  1092. >...
  1093. >After you got out of the shower and dried off, you changed into your clothes, walked out of the bathroom and started grabbing everything you needed for today.
  1094. >"Oh, Faire Anon, on what pocket shall Ai ride in?" Lavendula asked ever so dreamily.
  1095. >You scowled.
  1096. "No. No pocket rides. I don't do repeats."
  1097. >Not after yesterday's clusterfuck.
  1098. >Lavendula pouted.
  1099. >Not this time, motherfucker.
  1100. "And no puppy-eyeing me into giving you one this time. You'll have to fly alongside me this morning while we find your uncle. I imagine he might have some very cross words with you."
  1101.  
  1102. >"And then what happened?" asked Starlight.
  1103. "And then," you explained, in a tone that conveyed pure, unfiltered sarcasm, "a giant meteor rained from the sky, and from that giant meteor came a horde of zombie puppies who came to lick the sinners."
  1104. >"Really?" Pinkie chirped.
  1105. "No."
  1106. >"Awww..."
  1107. "Like I said, I'm trying to be as thorough as possible, so be fucking patient with me, alright?"
  1108.  
  1109. >"Lavendulaaaaaa!" shouted Seabreeze.
  1110. >Yep.
  1111. >Maybe 'cross' was an understatement.
  1112. >As the two breezies bickered in what was either Scottish or Irish, you rolled your eyes.
  1113. >Even though this whole mess was going to frustrate you and your needs for until that damn portal closes, Lavendula was kind of a QT.
  1114. >A welcome change of pace from Fluttershy's not-so-subtle attempts and from Pinkie's rambunctious personality.
  1115. >"...Ah. Ai see..." Seabreeze muttered, his eyes widening after being told something.
  1116. >Then, he turned to you, a knowing frown upon his face.
  1117. >"Anon, maight AI have a word with ye in praivate?"
  1118. >Ohshit.nga
  1119. "Uhhhh, sure?"
  1120. >Lavendula gulped.
  1121. >Perhaps she knew you were boned.
  1122. >In any case, Seabreeze led you to somewhere a ways away from the migration path for the two of you to talk.
  1123. >"Mister Anon, Ai won't bide aroond it," he whispered, "as Ai'm sure ye already know it, but my neice, Lavendula - Ai think she likes ye."
  1124. "I know," you whispered back, "I gathered that."
  1125. >"But Ai would be mortifaid if Ai saw anythain happen to her, especailly when Ai have ta tell her fatter about it. And we both know she's a bonnie, right?"
  1126. >Was this a death threat?
  1127. >Are you really being threatened by a 5-inch effeminate motherfucker?
  1128. >"Normally, Ai'd tell ye to sod off from 'er, both for 'er sake and yer's, but the lassie spoke nothain but blessains about ye on the way home, about how pretty her dress is and alluvit."
  1129. >His face then took on a somber visage.
  1130. >"So Ai'd like ye to do me a favor."
  1131. >Oh no.
  1132. >You knew doing favors was a bad idea.
  1133. >And you suck at keeping promises.
  1134. >Knowing your luck, he'll ask something that'll be nigh impossible to pull of.
  1135. >"Keep 'er compainy so she dunnae come home a miseraible little girl when the portal closes."
  1136. >Oh.
  1137. >Well, okay.
  1138. >That made sense.
  1139. >Though, there was one thing still on your mind.
  1140. "But, Mister Seabreeze, sir..."
  1141. >"Yea?"
  1142. "W-What if..."
  1143. >You gulped.
  1144. "What if she more than just 'likes' me?" you asked, being sure to emphasize that word.
  1145. >He grimaced, seemingly understanding your situation.
  1146. >"Ye're a giant div from anotter werld, and Miss Lavendula is a tiny breezie like me. It would nevair work."
  1147. >Pretty much.
  1148. >You couldn't even begin to imagine how you'd try to fuck something that's no bigger than your hand.
  1149. >"So just...just let 'er down gently, alright?"
  1150. >You nodded.
  1151. “I will.”
  1152. >”That's a good lad. Now off with ye, Ai need to git somewaere. Real important.”
  1153. >With that settled, you started heading back to meet with Lavendula and what appeared to be Twilight Sparkle.
  1154. >...yep, sure enough, that was her.
  1155. >You'd recognize
  1156. "Mornin', Starbutt," you smirked.
  1157. >Lavendula blinked.
  1158. >"Really, Anon?" Twilight deadpanned.
  1159. "Whaaaaat, can't a guy get some snark in for once?"
  1160. >Lavendula chuckled. "Oh, Princess Starbutt, how fare thee!"
  1161. >Twilight groaned. "Not you too!"
  1162. >A bunch of soft-spoken snickers escaped your lips.
  1163. >Yep, just like old times.
  1164.  
  1165. >"...if by old times you mean almost every single Celestia-forsaken day," Twilight mused, disdain pouring from her voice as she scowled at you, "then yes, 'just like old times' indeed."
  1166. >Yeesh, Twilight's salty.
  1167. >Though...
  1168. >Now that you thought about it, she's right.
  1169. >You need to come up with new material.
  1170. >"Don't. I will hit you with the official Trotsford Equuish dictionary, sixth edition, if you do that."
  1171. >You also need to stop thinking out loud.
  1172.  
  1173. "Anyway, what were you two up to?"
  1174. >"Oh, nothain," cooed Lavi. "T'was maerly talking with Princess Twilight about you."
  1175. >Ohhhhh no.
  1176. >Alright, you're placing bets.
  1177. >$300 that Lavi embarrassed you and gave her ammo to tease you with.
  1178. >"Well," Twilight smiled. "I'm impressed that you were this nice to Lavendula."
  1179. >Wait what.
  1180. "Uhhhh, I wouldn't call that *nice*."
  1181. >"You wouldn't call 'treating her like a braw princess' and 'being a fine gentlebreezie while she was led astray' being nice?"
  1182. >Oh God, she DID embarrass you.
  1183. >You'll be cashing in that $300, thank you very much.
  1184.  
  1185. >"Three hundred what?" asked Applejack, her eyebrows raised.
  1186. "Dollars," you explained. "The currency where I come from. With the S with the line down the middle and everything."
  1187. >"Ohhhhhhh," gasped Pinkie. "So THAT'S what those little paper thingies in your wallet were!"
  1188. "I mean, I just keep them as souvenirs from Earth. Not like they're any good in a place which still uses gold."
  1189. >Twilight raised one of her eyebrows. "I mean, I'm sure we could've worked *something* out. I'm sure foreign exchange would love money from another world."
  1190. "Not with pieces of paper, they wouldn't."
  1191.  
  1192. "Lavi, you didn't..."
  1193. >Lavi smirked.
  1194. >"Awwww, and you even have a pet name for her, too!" Twilight cooed.
  1195. >GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT-
  1196. "Stoppit..." you whined, covering your face with your hands to prevent her from seeing you blush.
  1197. >Twilight cleared her throat. "Anyway, I need to get going. I have negotiations with King Valiente and Queen Primrose at 10 today, and I prefer not being tardy."
  1198. >Oh wow, they actually have royalty.
  1199. >This really was a Fairy kingdom of sorts.
  1200. >Now you just needed a buff, tough motherfucker Breezie and you're all set.
  1201. >Also, if you had to guess, this King and Queen will not become plot relevant in any fucking way whatsoever!!
  1202.  
  1203.  
  1204. >"...they're going to be plot relevant, aren't they?" asked Rainbow Dash.
  1205. "Yeah, pretty much."
  1206.  
  1207. >With that, Twilight trotted off, being careful so as to not make any unwanted noise.
  1208. >You glanced over at Lavi, who was busy rolling her eyes.
  1209. "I'm going to guess this King Valiente isn't exactly a good king, is he?"
  1210. >"O, he's a good king, Anonymous," she explained, "but Ai just don't like him."
  1211. "Why not?"
  1212. >"Well, the way Ai see it, he is an o'erbearain auldie...
  1213. >She paused for a few seconds before continuing.
  1214. >"At least, he is over his subjaicts."
  1215. >You smirked.
  1216. "Sounds like you speak from experience."
  1217. >"Ai do."
  1218. >You'll have to take her word for it.
  1219. >Not like she was a criminal or anything - certainly wasn't being treated like one.
  1220.  
  1221. "And from there, we just did the same as yesterday and hung out," you concluded. "But this is probably the point where things got interesting."
  1222. >"Yeah, nothing here sounds like it would reasonably make you afraid of Breezies," Starlight mused.
  1223. "Oh, trust me, it gets better. I'll have to skip over some of the boring stuff, but it gets better."
  1224. >You suddenly realize that you're taking a page out of Ol' Unreliable Buzzfeed by saying that.
  1225.  
  1226. >Later that day, you and Lavi were getting back to the rest of the migration to (hopefully) drop her off.
  1227. >And who should be there with the other Breezies than Fluttershy.
  1228. "Oi, Fluttershy!"
  1229. >Her ears perked up, and as she turned to meet your gaze, she smiled. "Good evening, Anon. And good evening, Lavendula."
  1230. >Lavi sighed. "Evenin'."
  1231. >You looked around to see if Seabreeze was around somewhere.
  1232. "Anyone see Seabreeze anywhere?"
  1233. >"Oh, he had to go back into the Kingdom to meet with King Valiente and Queen Primrose."
  1234. >Damn.
  1235. "Well, is anyone available to take Lavi back for the night? I mean, I'll be seeing her tomorrow, knowing my terrible luck, but-"
  1236. >Fluttershy giggled.
  1237. "Oh no..." you muttered. "What now?"
  1238. >Sure enough, Lavi held onto your shoulder as Fluttershy explained your situation.
  1239. >"Seabreeze told me that since Lavi seemed to like you, that she would be allowed to stay with you for each night."
  1240. >Oh God dammit.
  1241. >Lavi rubbed up against your shoulder, further cementing her relationship with you.
  1242. "Urgh...this is going to be a fuckin' mess, isn't it?" you complained.
  1243. >"Oh, chin up, milord," cooed Lavendula. "At lease there's nae danger in being alone tonight in yer castle."
  1244. "Don't I get *any* say in this?"
  1245. >"Nope," Fluttershy answered.
  1246.  
  1247. >Later, as the two of you went back into your house, you tried to reassess your situation.
  1248. >You were Anonymous, for obvious reasons.
  1249. >You were being not-so-subtly crushed on by a Breezie.
  1250. >Said Breezie had somehow wormed her way into your house the first night, and outright snuck in the second.
  1251. >And now said Breezie had, by way of Fluttershy and Seabreeze, been allowed access to your humble home.
  1252. >All of this, and you were stuck going with the flow.
  1253. >That 'Campaign for Human Rights' bullshit that the unicorn, Lyra, was trying to push despite you being the only human in Equestria was looking real bright and purdy right about now.
  1254. >"Ai never got to mention this before, milord, but 'tis a really nice place ye got here," complimented Lavendula.
  1255. >You sighed.
  1256. "Thanks, but flattery won't get you much of anywhere," you noted. "I learned that the hard way."
  1257. >"Oh, really? Dare ai ask?"
  1258. "It's a long story, but it involves a blizzard, a gun and a huge amount of dumb luck and faith," you summarized.
  1259. >"Wot's a gun?" she asked.
  1260. >Something you wouldn't be pointing at her anytime soon.
  1261. "It's nothing."
  1262. >You put your belongings down as you began to relax.
  1263. "At any rate, be thankful it's not a complete mess."
  1264. >"Oh, it's usually messier?"
  1265. >Like you wouldn't believe.
  1266. "Yeah."
  1267. >"Oooooh, Ai really like the mess."
  1268. "Really, now?"
  1269. >"Yea!" she chirped as she begun to explain. "Where Ai live, Ai have to live with things being so clean and orderlay, that it spooks me time to time. Every now and again, Ai like things to be messy, just so I can get away from the order and be able to think by my lonesome."
  1270. >Interesting.
  1271. "I remember Rarity being like that in the past," you noted. "How she consistently messes up her work area just so she can get inspiration for one of her dresses. It's something I don't usually do, but I can understand that."
  1272. >Her antennae twitched again.
  1273. "Okay, seriously, what is up with that? It's been bugging me for days now."
  1274. >Lavendula shook her head, probably to try and distract from her antennae twitching. "Anon, might Ai ask if you have a crush on Missus Rarity?"
  1275.  
  1276. >Rainbow Dash howled in laughter as you recited what you remembered.
  1277. >Your hands were like pillows to your face as you covered it with them to hide the blushing.
  1278. >”Hahahaha, Lavendula asking the important questions,” Rainbow cackled.
  1279. “Shut up. I don't.”
  1280. >Rarity herself gave a knowing smirk.
  1281. >This is why you should learn to shut up before spilling your spaghetti.
  1282.  
  1283. >You nearly stumbled at her question.
  1284. "W-Wha?"
  1285. >"Because Ai noticed ye were talking so highly and mighty of this commonair that Ai grew curious. That's all."
  1286. >Sighing heavily, you began to explain.
  1287. "Look, even if I hypothetically did have a crush on Rarity - and I don't, by the way ("Horseshit, and you know it!" Rainbow jeered as you explained this.) - why do you ask?"
  1288. >"Well..."
  1289. >A few moments of silence passed before she continued.
  1290. >"Ai just don't think she's the right pony for ye."
  1291. >Oh really?
  1292. "Why's that?"
  1293. >"Well, she seemed to be very bored and unhappy with yer work, and I know she weren't there to be, you know, lovey dovey."
  1294. >Lovey dovey.
  1295. >Yeah, way to not be subtle there.
  1296. "I was really only there for work, and she treated me as such. If we were indeed, 'lovey dovey' – well, I mean, you'd know."
  1297. >”Ai'd just be wary around 'er, milord.”
  1298. “Don't worry, Lavi,” you reassured her, “I trust her with my life.”
  1299. >Lavi nodded, although with a bit of hesitation driving it.
  1300. "Anyway, I'm off to bed. Gonna undress here, so please, avert your gaze."
  1301.  
  1302. "And that's where our second day ended. For the next two days," you explained, trying your best to speed things along so you didn't waste any more time or text on filler recaps, "nothing of importance happened. Just hanging out and shit. I'd go into detail but I-"
  1303. >"BO-RING!" Rainbow Dash jeered again.
  1304. >"...but I keep getting comments from the peanut gallery like THAT. Anyway, I did try and lock everything up, just in case. And of course, as I did so, I noticed more and more mouse holes being dug into them. At first I was worried that I might have a pest problem, but I also had a gut feeling not even Fluttershy would let that happen under her watch."
  1305. >"Of course not, Anon," Fluttershy affirmed. "I'm not that mean."
  1306. >You're not mean at all, more like.
  1307. >Creepy as all hell, but not mean.
  1308. "However, the fourth night..."
  1309.  
  1310. >Night Purple Nurple plus three in Equestria.
  1311. >You are henceforth naming tomorrow to be Day Running Out of Ideas in Equestria.
  1312. >You are also Anonymous, in case anyone was even remotely curious.
  1313. >Nothing important happened these past two days.
  1314. >Just fucking around all around town, sightseeing, all that shit.
  1315. >But as you cautioned Lavi into averting her eyes while you got dressed for bed, she said something that caught you off guard.
  1316. >"O Faire Anonymous, since we've been meeting each other for three or days now, might Ai ask you something?"
  1317. "Shoot."
  1318. >"Might Ai...ehem, might we engage in myrtling?"
  1319. >Wait what.
  1320. "...The heck is myrtling?"
  1321. >"Oh, ye know, make love under the glistening sky?"
  1322. >...
  1323. "W-W-What...?"
  1324. >"Or...dunnae ye call it that on this Earth kingdom?"
  1325. >Code red, code red, Earth to brain we have an active emergency.
  1326. >'boner here, whassup?'
  1327. >Oh fuck off dong.
  1328. >Brain, this is Anon, Lavendula is literally asking for sex, and I have a feeling Writeslut will-
  1329. >'WHAT'
  1330. >Goddammit. Boner, please disengage all operations, she is just a Breezie-
  1331. >'I've expanded to weirder shit, Anon, don't you pull this disengage bullshit on me."
  1332. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
  1333. >An awkward silence passed between the two of you as your brain tried to wrestle with your dong to prevent a boner.
  1334. >"What's wrong?"
  1335. >You shook your head.
  1336. "E-Excuse me. But I don't think I can."
  1337. >Lavendula tilted your head. "Wot? Have ye never made love before?"
  1338. >You sputtered as you tried to work your way out of these shenanigans.
  1339. "Buh- wha- of course I've fucked before, just not with a Breezie!" you yelled.
  1340. >The amount of flustered, sexually frustrated yelling managed to push Lavi back a bit.
  1341. >As she regained her position, she asked, "So Ai'd be yer faerst?"
  1342. "Like hell you are," you noted. "Not only would Seabreeze kill me-"
  1343. >"Oh, Ai dunnae think he'll kill ye," she explained, "not unless ye tell him like an eejit."
  1344. "-but I don't even think it would work. Like, I can't seem to think of any possible way for a human to have sex with a Breezie!"
  1345. >Lavendula gave a grin, a type of sensual, promiscuous grin seen on most horny teenage girls looking for sex.
  1346. >"Do ye care to find out, Faire Anonymous?"
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