Username: Ghost-Quartet

Album: Love.Angel.Music.Baby

What You Waiting For?: 9 I’ve heard people say that this song still sounds fresh and while I disagree with that, it still sounds great. Bold of her to begin her career as a pop star with what’s essentially a diss track to the entire pop system.

Rich Girl feat. Eve: 8.7 A *Fiddler On The Roof* sample, of all things? It takes guts to take on something that iconic and it really works.

Hollaback Girl: 7 I respect how weird and influential this song is but on a purely musical level it doesn’t do much for me.

Cool: 10 GOAT music video. This song is a masterclass really, the lyrics are explicitly nothing but positive but you can still tell from the performance and the subtext that she’s hurting.

Bubble Pop Electric feat. Johnny Vulture: 10 Oh my GOD this is a bop? This album had so many strong singles I was curious about how the B-sides would sound but the first one up is such a serve. This song is so ahead of its time we still haven’t caught up with it, I can’t think of any other songs that sound like this and if you know them please leave them in the comments below. I love the combination of the innocent ‘50s girl thing with the heavy undertones of sexuality, emphasized by the frenetic beats.

Luxurious: 10 Another semi-problematic video from Gwen (she’s clearly going for a “chola” aesthetic and it’s… not great) but I appreciate the intention here, I like that she spotlighted normal working people instead of just doing a cliche “look how much money I have” video. I love the sultry r&b vibes of the track and the lyrics are ace, this song really does sound luxurious.

Harajuku Girls: 0 I’m an Asian-American (my mother is Vietnamese my father is white) and growing up doing theater I became really hyper aware of race as it relates to entertainment, so I’ve done a lot of research on this topic/have firsthand experience with it and my take on this is that the Harajuku Girls thing was #not #great. I’m going to talk about it at length here because this sub is TERRIBLE at respecting Asian people/cultures and goes ass out every time we talk about cultural appropriation so I feel the need to speak up. I think that this is the textbook example of cultural appropriation, which is ironic because I think the song is quite nearly an example of the coveted “cultural appreciation.” In the song Gwen acknowledges her place as an outsider in their culture and shouts out the people who inspired her. It’s clear that she has a genuine love of the Harajuku subculture and I’m sure that she meant all of this as a loving tribute. HOWEVER, things went super far off the rails in the execution. It’s not enough to experience Harajuku culture and appreciate it, Gwen must also *possess* it, she must become the purveyor of it. Her love is expressed through her repackaging it as her own to sell to audiences these people could never dream of reaching on their own. There’s an inherent imbalance in power here: as the wealthy, white, American pop star, Gwen has much more cultural sway; she gives them credit, yes, but the fact remains that for the vast majority of people their primary point of of contact with Harajuku culture is a white woman’s interpretation of it. I can’t be too harsh on Gwen because honestly, in a capitalistic society still reeling from the effects of imperialism we don’t have the vernacular to “appreciate” other people’s cultures, and we won’t until all countries are (somehow) equal on the world stage. Hell, in some ways I think Gwen was actually *ahead* of her time for highlighting a specific, more fashionable Japanese subculture rather than just the generic “cherry blossoms/anime/advanced technology” associations a lot of people had around the time. I spoke to my sister about it (she was a huge Gwen Stefani fan at the time and loved the Harajuku Girls) and she said while she cringes looking back, it was an important part of her Asian representation. I’d be willing to grant some clemency for that… EXCEPT 15 years later Gwen is still pulling the same shit with her stupid *Kuu Kuu Harajuku* show! You could write an entire dissertation on a white woman skinning a foreign culture to use was a cutesy aesthetic for a tv show where she’s the self-insert hero and then [rapping the word “kawaii” multiple times in the theme song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9RlxjyHnXg&frags=pl%2Cwn) This bitch [does not talk politics with her country singer boyfriend](https://www.sheknows.com/entertainment/articles/1129659/celebs-are-vocal-about-the-election-but-not-gwen-stefani-blake-shelton/) and it shows. I don’t usually hand out zeroes but I cannot abide by racism, and the song itself is “eh” anyways, and way too long.

Crash: 6.5 This is probably the first track on the album that doesn’t do much for me, it’s not awful but she’s been delivering at such a high level that this comes as something of a disappointment.

The Real Thing: 6.5 mmmm, smacks of filler but I’ll allow it. The “don’t go away” part is like, almost the “don’t give it up” part from CRJ’s “Now That I Found You.”

Serious: 7.6 Okay we were on a down swing for a minute there but this is prime.

Danger Zone: 6.5 I like the chorus of this one but on the whole it’s a little forgettable.

Long Way To Go feat. Andre 3000: 8 There is a LOT to criticize about Gwen and her relationship to race throughout her career but I really have to applaud her for her message with this song, and it sounds good too. The frantic synths fused with other genres she does here and “Bubble Pop Electric” sound fantastic, I wish we’d get more music like it.

Album: B' Day

Beautiful Liar feat. Shakira: 6 Star power isn’t enough to carry this one, the song isn’t bad but it’s just kind of bland. Both of them have released songs much better than this one.

Irreplaceable: 7 This song is good but it’s really aged, Beyoncé moved past this kind of music for a reason.

Green Light: 7.5

Kitty Kat: 8 This is a subtle one, I wasn’t into it when I first heard it but I listened to it again with headphones and all of these little riffs and intricacies came out that really elevated the track for me. Probably the sexiest Beyoncé gets in the rate.

Welcome to Hollywood feat. Jay-z: 3 I guess I just don’t get the point.

Upgrade U feat. Jay-z: 4 There’s just no particularly interesting parts of this song, they layer in sound effects and stuff to try to salvage it but I think the central hook is just so weak they should have scrapped the song entirely.

Flaws and All: 6.5 It’s fine as a song but like… humble sounds weird on Beyoncé. It stands out on the album because basically every other song on the album is Beyoncé talking about how she’s #thatbitch and men are like bugs beneath her heel but suddenly she’s this broken bird in the hands of a caring gentleman? I’m not buying it. It does sound pretty though.

World Wide Women: 9 Invented e-girls

Get Me Bodied- Extended: 6.7 When this started I thought it was “Freakum Dress” and I just kept waiting for the chorus to hit so that shows how interested I was in it… however the shift that happens halfway through really caught me off guard. I don’t think either half is especially spectacular but I respect that she tried something weird.

If: 5 I get the idea of asking your man to treat you better the verbiage here is uncomfy. “If you let him take me from you” girl don’t defer the blame onto this dude, just own up to your role in this. Musically it’s a bit boring, it feels like Asian Mall Music at times.

Freakum Dress: 7.8 On the one hand this slaps but on the other hand I could just stream “1 Thing.”

Suga Mama: 5.5 It’s just a little recursive at this point on the album.

Deja Vu feat. Jay-z: 8 The best Jay/Beyoncé collaboration on the album.

Ring The Alarm: 3 This album has like, *straddled* the line of just being annoying and I think this song just crosses over into being obnoxious noise. The loudness and clashing production are just too much here and Beyoncé sounds way too harsh for no reason.

Resentment: 8.5 Some people think that the whole Jay-Z cheating thing was cooked up to give Beyoncé a narrative for *Lemonade* but it’s actually a theme that goes WAY back in Beyoncé’s music and this is the proof. The doo-wop sound is a nice change of pace on the album and I’m giving it a bonus point because of [how hard Beyoncé crushes this live](https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5bz35u).

Listen: 10 Can you BELIEVE that this lost the Oscar for Best Original Song and was a big factor in why the rules were changed to limit the number of songs a movie could be nominated for?

Amor Gitano feat. Alejandro Fernandez: 5 Artists need to learn that just singing in a different language doesn’t make it okay to release boring songs.

Check On It feat. Bun B, Slim Thug: 6.6 I like it (Beyoncé’s chorus especially) but it’s kind of unremarkable.

Album: The Emancipation of Mimi

It's Like That feat. Jermaine Dupri, Fatman Scoop: 10 Oh wow, did it get iconic up in here?

We Belong Together: 9 Mariah gave us everything with this song, her lyricism is fantastic, her voice sounds great, the melody is iconic, it just all works. It’s not my favorite #1 by her but it is undeniably an important one, however despite this being a HUGE hit I somehow don’t foresee it winning the rate.

Shake It Off: 8.5 This song was a grower, I didn’t much care for it the first time I heard it but I’ve really come around on it with time. It’s a little bit weird on the first listen because of how low-key it is but once you really get into the melody and lyrics it’s a ton of fun.

Mine Again: 10 Actually one of my favorite Mariah songs, it’s one of her simpler tracks but the emotions and vocals are everything. Like she just goes to town here and pours her soul into it, not to mention that *key change* near the end. I doubt she can ever sing this live, it’s just that powerful.

Say Somethin' feat. Snoop Dogg: 10 Another deep cut favorite of mine! Mariah and Snoop Dogg worked together on *Rainbow* for [“Crybaby”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B0P--IU_Pw&frags=pl%2Cwn) (an underrated song) and they make a great team both times, Snoop’s sleepier voice really bring out the best in Mariah’s since she pulls back to match him. I love the way the chorus of this song drops down into that heavy part of her voice and the “so whatcha gon’ do?” part is so seductive. The Neptunes also do great on the production, this song feels so slick and honestly still fresh.

Stay The Night: 9 Kinda random that she worked with Kanye for this one but the production is great so good on you Mr. Kardashian-West. ANOTHER great deep cut, I love how “conflicted” this track sounds.

Get Your Number feat. Jermaine Dupri: 8.7 Jermaine’s hook is kind of dumb but it works because this song is so campy and because Mariah is *flexing*. Like, I don’t normally care for songs that are bragging about songs but when she whispers that fast section about her expensive stuff I’ll be damned if she doesn’t sound like baddest bitch in the world.

One and Only feat. Twista: 9 I feel like Gwen is going to be really celebrated for being ahead of her time in this rate (rightfully so) but Mariah had her sights set on the future too. This song still sounds fresh today, the chiller production and Mariah’s rapping are exactly what a lot of r&b/pop girls are going for these days.

Circles: 8.5 This song is stealth catchy, it pops into my head randomly every now and then. I really enjoy the songs on this album where angsty Mariah lets her full voice out.

Your Girl: 10 This song is SO under appreciated, it just makes me happy every time I hear it. The weird chirpy vocals in the background give it this really cartoony feeling and I love the way that the vocal lines spill all over each other like Mariah is tripping over herself with a schoolgirl crush. She sounds so peppy!

I Wish You Knew: 6 Tbh this is the first song on the album that disappoints me. It has a lot in common with some of the songs that I adore but it just doesn’t click for some reason, maybe I’m just tired of this kind of song by this point in the album. Her putting the live crowd sounds in kind of explains why I don’t like it, this is the kind of song that goes off live but because I’m listening to a recording I can’t connect as well.

To The Floor feat. Nelly: 4 If I had to cut any song from the album it would be this one.

Joy Ride: 7.5 I never paid this song much attention until the rate but listening to it closely it sounds really angelic, it’s kinda beautiful?

Fly Like a Bird: 11 I remember being in college and listening to this song while riding my bike home and feeling like I was crying and flying at the same time. This is such an uplifting song, I’m not a religious person but I think the themes that Mariah touches on in this song transcend that. Possibly the best fusion of pop and gospel ever recorded?

Don't Forget About Us: 5 I’ve always found this song soooo boring, it just feels like “We Belong Together” watered down.

Makin' It Last All Night (What It Do) feat. Jermaine Dupri: 6.6 It’s “Did I Do That?” but kind of worse.

So Lonely (One & Only Part II) feat. Twista: 7 It’s not as good as “Part I” but it’s still decent.

We Belong Together Remix feat. Jadakiss, Styles P: 10 I kind of like this better than the original version? I love the different lyrics.

BONUS TRACKS

Stars Are Blind: 9 I think the thing that’s most shocking about this song is the intelligence of the lyrics? Like these are very poetical.

Nothing In This World: 9 Paris is racist/homophobic and is basically the epitome of a terrible rich person, but evaluating this as a piece of pop cultural history, it bops. The video is a major YIKES though.

Shake Ya Body: 8.7 I know this kind of went down in history as being a terrible mess but looking back I’m not really sure why? Maybe it’s just that ANTM owns me but while she wasn’t going to be selling out stadiums, this is a solid song and she gives a better vocal performance than most of the bonus rate. If you want to hear a bad Tyra Banks song, [listen to “Bootyful”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvOzH94SsbI&frags=pl%2Cwn) (which high-key sounds like a Kpop song). Unrelated but [Naomi Campbell had an album.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDZy8SjLyA0)

About Us feat. Paul Wall: 4 This is the kind of music people who don’t like Britney Spears think she makes.

Body Language: 7.5 This… isn’t bad? I wouldn’t listen to it again but it isn’t bad.

Superficial: 7 The lyrics of this are WILD but it’s bad.

Tardy For The Party: 1 This isn’t even enjoyably bad.

Money Can't Buy You Class: 10 My sister used to watch some of the Real Housewife shows so I actually saw the episode where Countess Luann recorded “Chic C’est La Vie” and I’m upset by the erasure of that. Anyways, I’m giving this a 10 not because it’s the only song in the bonus rate that’s ACTUALLY enjoyably bad. The rest are either good, bad, or boring, this is the only one that manages to be enjoying in its badness. I think it’s because Countess Luann actually injects some personality into the song, she’s two dimensional rather than one dimensional. Like, a lot of the other songs could have been anyone but this? This is pure Luann lunacy.

Jam (Turn It Up): 6 Honestly I feel like if this was handed to someone who could actually sing like Kesha then it would be a decent song.

END