1. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y. - NBC

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! - NBC

3. You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European. - giphy.com

4. Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. - giphy.com

5. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable. - giphy.com

6. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw! - NBC

7. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? - Paramount

8. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants! - CBS / Via giphy.com

9. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here." - Comedy Central

10. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1 - PBS

11. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a gla​ss of water? Because he was a little horse! - TBS

12. CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’” - NBC

13. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint. - Universal

14. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! - New Line Cinema

15. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans! - NBC

16. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory. - NBC

17. KID: "Hey, I was thinking…" DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.” - kuro-kokoro.deviantart.com

18. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it! - NBC

19. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" - CBS

20. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there! - ABC

21. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. - ABC

22. FAST FOOD WORKER: "Any condiments?" DAD: "Compliments? You look very nice today!” - MGM

23. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it. - Paramount

24. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. - Warner Bros.

25. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!” - PBS

26. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. - ABC

27. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw." - Paramount

28. When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.” - HBO

29. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted! - Thames Television

30. GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.” - ESPN

31. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.” - NBC

32. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on. - NBC

33. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. - New Line Cinema

34. MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes." - CNN

35. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na. - ESPN

36. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!” - NBC

 - 37. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

38. What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff. - Comedy Central

39. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents! - NBC

40. Don't trust atoms. They make up everything! - Paramount

41. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef. - Howard Stern/Sirius

42. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. - TBS

43. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. - Comedy Central

44. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why. - USA

45. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.” - ABC

46. When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field! - giphy.com

47. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. - HBO

48. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. - Warner Bros.

49. Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired. - NBC

50. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. - Laugh Factory / Via giphy.com

51. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. - giphy.com

52. WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?" DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.” - Fox

53. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. - Paramount

54. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal. - BBC

55. NURSE: "Blood type?" DAD: "Red." - Fox

56. SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?” - NBC

57. KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!” - Flickr: gageskidmore / Via Creative Commons

58. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish. - FX

59. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet. - BBC

60. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me. - Columbia

61. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. - youtube.com

62. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea! - NBC

63. Can February March? No, but April May! - youtube.com

64. What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone. - Disney

65. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent. - 20th Century Fox

66. When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: "No, I got them all cut!" - replygif.net

67. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!” - NBC

68. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face. - HBO

69. Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff. - CBS

70. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. - CBC

71. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. - Columbia

72. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21. - Hulu

73. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet. - CBS

74. DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" DAD: "To carry your tune." - Comedy Central

75. Why did the crab never share? Because he's she​llf​ish. - Laugh Factory