Apr 7th, 2019
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  1. >"Anon? Hello?"
  2. >"Anon! You're awake!"
  3. >Now before you freak out, it's me, Twilight. We just... Switched bodies is all."
  4. >"And as far as I know, this is permanent."
  5. >"The thing is, I can't do magic anymore."
  6. >"So you've gotta find some way to switch us back."
  7. First things first, I'm gonna go masturbate in your body
  8. >you notice that Twilight appears to have had the same idea
  9. >several sticky tissues are scattered on the floor and you feel a cold slimyness near your nethers which must have been amateurishly cleaned off
  10. D-did you fucking jack off onto me while I was out, Twilight?
  11. >”I’m sorry anon! I woke up and saw your ass and my penis just took control of me! I’ve never felt such sexual urges before!”
  12. Did you at least penetrate me?
  13. >Twilight reddens, looking equal parts ashamed, aroused and angry
  14. >”Anon! I’m your friend, and I would never do anything like that! It was just so overwhelming being in this body, my hands started touching myself on their own. Then, once it started, i just couldn’t stop.”
  15. >you nod, understandingly
  16. >”But next time it happens, what if I’m in public! Or what if it happens to you?”
  17. >Now that she mentions it, all this thought of sex had made you worryingly warm and damp back there
  18. >”so anon! I need you to focus! I need you to figure out a counter spell so that we can switch back!”
  19. Uhhhh. Yeah, yeah. I’ll get right on that.
  20. >very warm. Very damp
  21. Just, uh, I might need a couple minutes in the restroom first.
  22. >”oh, anon.” Even in your body, the way she huffs and rolls her eyes cranks your arousal off the charts.
  23. >as you scamper for the bathroom door you hear her helpfully calling from behind you “I like it slow and shallow when I’m doing it myself”
  24. >a pause
  25. >”and just so you know, the rubber duck vibrates”
  26. >you make it to the restroom on reflex alone and make a beeline for the aforementioned duck
  27. >your hand closes around it, but, unfortunately, your hoof simply bats it across the tub with a small squeak
  28. >it bounces off the far wall and lands on its side on the floor with a faint hum
  29. >slowly, it begins to jitter in a small circle on the tiles
  30. >you narrow your eyes and carefully accept to scoop it up in your hooves; you’re sure that you’ve seen ponies do this before
  31. >there’s something going on down there at the end of your leg, a slight motion in the hoof, sort of a cupping sensation, but it feels like you’re wearing three pairs of mittens covered in a sock puppet and you end up simply pushing the duck into a zig zag pattern
  32. >working carefully you manage to pin It between your front hooves but find it impossible to balance on your rear leg while holding it
  33. >the condition between your hind legs is really becoming unendurable
  34. “desperate times”
  35. >you swear as you focus on the strange new appendage between your eyes
  36. >you imagine yourself as a Jedi and try to clear your mind and force magic out of the tip
  37. >a glow
  38. >a spark
  39. >a complete fizzle
  41. >”Luna’s fetlocks, anon, JUST SIT ON IT!”
  42. >One or two very informative minutes later Twilight interrupts your very important lessons on how to cope with your new body
  44. Mmmmph. I, mmm, I’m just coming to to terms with the, ah, with the situation, Twilight.”
  45. >”well you’ve ‘come to terms’ with it about two dozen times now.”
  46. “Twilight; this is a very, hah, stressful experience. Surely you know that mental and eeeemotional health are important. Anyway, you’re one to talk; I’m going to be chafing for weeks once I get back in there.”
  47. >”Anon! You get ONE more, and then we are going to fix this! Anyway; it’s weird watching you do this. Well. It got weird after about an hour anyway.”
  48. “Fiiiiine. Spoil sport.”
  49. >using your elite ninja training you manage to sneak two extras in there under the pretense of “cleaning up” in the shower
  50. >”Anon, stop fucking the showerhead; it’s time to go!”
  51. “Twilight, dear, hygiene is essential! I don’t know where that duck has been; you could get an infection, and I care too deeply for you to let that happen to this body.”
  52. >”if you don’t come out right this second I’m going to hide the duck tonight.”
  53. “Very well. But this is under duress, you understand.”
  54. >as you step out of the shower your muscles suddenly spasm uncontrollably
  55. “Twilight! Help! I’m having a seizure!”
  56. >”you what? No you aren’t; you’re just shaking dry. I guess it’s sort of a built in thing.”
  57. “Like how you keep picking your nose I suppose.”
  58. >”I never did! I. I. Oh. I guess I am. How horrible. And you have to consciously control this at all times?”
  59. >you shrug
  60. ”you get used to ignoring it pretty quickly”
  61. >”well, regardless” twilight purses your lips, “while you were busy debasing yourself, I started looking around for sources on counterspells”
  62. “Eventually”
  63. >you look meaningfully at the now numerous wads of soiled tissue
  64. >”Eventually, yes. Well EVENTUALLY I found a lead in Sprinkle the Unbridled’s ‘Futuramus Globetrottus Mindswappius’ we can get back, but we’re going to need...some FRIENDSHIP!”
  65. “God it makes me horny when you say that.”
  66. >”well too bad, sad lad, cause we’re off to gather up some ponies!”
  67. “Ok, but you need to explain this horn business while we walk.”
  68. >well, walking at least seems to come naturally for both of you. Indeed, as you clippity clip down the street you slowly but steadily overtake your old human body
  69. “I’ve got to say, Twilight, I feel like I’ve got some extra spring in my step in this body. I haven’t had to think about walking at all! Are you having trouble with mine?”
  70. >she shoots you a stormy look
  71. >”no, anon, I’m just feeling slightly winded. Tired, even. And we’ve barely trotted a mile! Exactly what sort of things do you do to keep in shape, anon?”
  72. “Mostly just fucking and the occasional mad sprint away from sex-starved Mares in estrus.”
  73. >”I see. And what have you been eating lately?”
  74. “Truly, I consider it a burden, but it is my duty as a good friend to monitor the quality of confections produced by, for instance, BonBon or the Cakes or the Apples.”
  75. >”when we get back into our bodies, you are going on a diet. My blood feels like syrup and my chest is aching. Not to mention all of this sweat!”
  76. “That’s normal for young adult humans after a short walk.”
  77. >”I feel like that isn’t true, anon.”
  78. “Well I’m beginning to feel like being involuntarily mindswapped with an overbearing unicorn won’t be entirely fun and magical sparkles!”
  79. >”tough teats, anon, because unless you want this to stick you’re going to need to start with the magical sparkles.“
  80. “Fine. Tell me how to use this thing. It will be just like you’re back in magic kindergarten.”
  81. >”that isn’t funny. You know that I have a lot of mental anguish about that.”
  82. “fine, fine. So what, you just sort of think about the magic you want to happen, and it happens? “
  83. >”you wish! I mean yeah, eventually, but first, you’re going to spend a couple hours training to do it on instinct. What you’re going to need to do is use your horn as a natural conductor for equestrias standing magical field. To use an example from your world, the hog-bison: a unicorn interacts with the universe’s magical field in the same way that the hog–bison interacts with the gravitational field in your world to create mass.”
  84. >a pregnant silence
  85. “Twilight?”
  86. >”yes, anon?”
  87. “Do you think that it is at all possible that you misinterpreted the words ‘Higgs Boson?’”
  88. >”I suppose so. Is there a difference?”
  89. “Truly, it is devastating for me to tell you this, but mass and gravity are not, in fact, created by an animal called the Hog-Bison.”
  90. >”hmmm. Admittedly, this would make the collider experiments I was hearing about seem much more ethical. But this is beside the point. Here in Equestria you will need to channel the inherent magicness of the area and use your own magical properties to alter it to suit your purpose.”
  91. “And this magical field? You can just sense it all the time?”
  92. >”yes always, right now feels like someone has sucked away one of my senses. Can’t you feel it?”
  93. “I don’t know, I have never felt like a unicorn before I don’t know what part is supposed to feel like what”
  94. >”Well,ponies and humans might not be exactly equivalent in body plan, but nerves and flesh should translate fairly universally, but magic is unique to equestrian species, so that would feel entirely new to you”
  95. >you briefly pause to take stock of yourself
  96. “Well, now that you mention it, I suppose there is something that I haven’t felt before in my other body”
  97. >”Really?! Great! So just gently reach out to that and let it interacSTOP TOUCHING YOUR VAGINA IN PUBLIC!”
  98. >Probably she didn’t mean to shout that last part, but now all the townsponies eyes were on you
  99. “Nice job” you whisper under your breath before clearing your throat
  100. “Ahem. Yes. I, twilight sparkle, element of friendship and magic do hereby declare that it is, like, totally magical to touch your vagina in public. I, erm, read it in a book?”
  101. >blank stares
  102. “you there!”
  103. > you indicate a pink and blonde pony in an aviator cap
  104. “Cherry Berry isn’t it?”
  105. > she nods, very, very hesitantly
  106. “Touch your vagina! FOR FRIENDSHIP!”
  107. >”w-what?”
  109. >”anon,” your human counterpart hisses beside you, “what are you doing?”
  110. “just play along”
  111. >”how is this going to make anything less awkward?” Twilight said in darkly hushed tones
  112. “If there is anything my time in ponyville has taught me, it is that you ponies are herd animals. All we have to do to make everything fine is to make everyone do it.”
  113. >in a louder voice
  114. “And you! Berry Punch! Don’t you want the mag-“
  115. >“WOOOOO! Friiiendsship vagini rubbin!”
  116. >well that had been easier than expected. Thank the stars for alcohol and disinhibited mares
  117. “See everyone! Look at this, um, magical sight! Isn’t this what friendship is all about! And that’s why, as the TRUE, ABSOLUTELY NOT FAKE element of friendship, I need you, I implore you, I beg you. Touch your vaginas.
  118. >tears well in your eyes as you stare meaningfully around at the crowd of bemused townsponies and one very entertaining townspony
  119. >slowly, a mare raises a hoof
  120. “Yes, Lemonhearts?”
  121. >”C-can we touch each other’s vaginas too?”
  122. >you walk up to her and drape a hoof over her shoulders before looking seriously into her eyes
  123. “Lemonhearts. That’s what friends are for.”
  124. >
  125. >
  126. “Ok, Twilight. I think we can make a break for it if we ease around the Vegetable stand and, (oh dear Lord, what are they doing with that watermelon?!) and sneak past Daisy’s daisy chain. Everyone seems sufficiently distracted.”
  127. >”Anon, they’re practically rioting!”
  128. “I’m a very good element of magic, apparently.”
  129. >”there were fillies present!”
  130. “Please, if they didn’t want to see heaps of ponies wildly fucking, why were they in the town square to begin with?”
  131. >”I think I saw them take Amethyst Star to the hospital!”
  132. “It was tricky, but I honestly thought that she would stick the landing on that triple axel.”
  133. >”This is not how I want ponies to think of me!”
  134. “Well you should have thought of that before inciting the town into an orgy.”
  135. >”ANOOOOOOON!”
  136. “And you never even taught me about magic. I’m very disappointed in you Twilight.”
  137. “In fact, Miss Sexfiend, you haven’t even told me where we’re going.”
  138. >”forgive me if I was distracted by your constant debauchery!”
  139. “Forgiven. Now, I’m just assuming that we’re getting the girls together?”
  140. >her pouts never stop being adorable
  141. >”Technically, we only need to get Rarity and Pinkie Pie, but, more friends and extra moral support is always important!”
  142. “Might as well grab Rarity first, as long as we’re around.”
  143. >”Please just let me do the talking.”
  144. “It hurts that you feel the need to say that. I am, if anything, too timid around others.”
  145. >the bell tinkled on the doorway of Carousel Boutique and Rarity appeared, walking backwards and levitating a ream of tulle
  146. >”Welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where everything is chic, unique and magnifique! Let me just set this down and I’ll be right with you.”
  147. >”Rarity, I’m so glad to see you,” Twilight visibly relaxes, your human body drooping into an all too familiar slouch, “There’s been a terrible magical mishap and-“
  148. “I, Twilight Sparkle, protoge of Celestia and bearer of the Element of Magic demand a fancy dress!”
  149. >Rarity carefully sets down the cloth and slowly turns to face you
  150. >”Yes, dear, I can certainly do that. Is there a reason why you feel the need for the fanfare and d-rama?”
  151. >”Because she isn’t eve-“ but you have no time for Twilight’s interruptions.
  152. “It is important that you understand the gravitas of this request, my friend, Rarity. I require the sparkliest of dresses to make me feel like a froo-froo unicorn ballerina, and I shall require a matching dress tailored for my companion Anonymous.”
  153. >”Did you lose a bet, sweetie?” Rarity looks considerably more amused than confused, “Did you both lose a bet? Although I must say, the media hype around a gender bending outfit for our human friend here would be quite the publicity stunt! I shall draw up designs tout suite!”
  154. >”NO YOU WON’T!” Twilight practically bellows, “Because that isn’t even me! I mean Twilight! I mean! Grrrr! Listen Rarity, there was an accident with a spell and now I’m in anon’s body and he’s in mine. AND HE’S BEING A PAIN IN THE REAR!”
  155. “Your duck is a pain in the rear.”
  156. >”Be quiet!”
  157. >but despite the outburst Rarity is hiding a giggle behind a hoof
  158. >”what?” snaps Twilight, clearly nearing her limit
  159. “Nothing, Darling. Anon can be dreadfully obtuse, of course,
  160. and of course we’ll find a way to put you back, but I’ve always wondered, you know, It’s what everyone says they would do first if they switched bodies, but you never really know do you?”
  161. >”you know about the duck?”
  162. >”Twilight, dear, you’re a grown mare with a rubber duck in your powder room. I’d be much more concerned if it wasn’t ‘accessory.’”
  163. >it’s amazing, you really would think that there would be an upper limit to how red a face could get. You were sure it never got that red while you were inside
  164. >”why I myself have severa-“ Rarity was continuing before a fire truck red Twilight exploded
  165. >”Nonononono! No more! I can’t take it anymore! Everyone in this town is off their rocker! I don’t want to hear about your “collection!” I don’t want to watch my own body grind against every warm object in sight, and I DON’T WANT EVERYPONY TO THINK I’M A PERVERT!”
  166. >clearly this is a moment for calming words and diplomacy
  167. “So that’s still a ‘Yes’ on the dress though?”
  168. >
  169. “I cannot believe you slapped a mare. That’s so uncool!”
  170. >”Anon, I swear to the sun and moon, I will do it again. You are out of control. Rarity. Tie him up.”
  171. >you and Rarity exchange a deeply knowing look
  172. >”Sexily or just normally, darling? I have some nice silk scarves if you’re suggesting...”
  173. >”You’re as bad as he is! She is! He/Me is! Just slap a bit in her mouth and if she gets all horny over it she can just deal.”
  174. >”sorry darling,” Rarity shrugs, levitating over some hardware, “why don’t you go play with yourself in a corner while the ‘girls’ talk?”
  175. >you begin to protest but the metal bar is thrust between your jaws and pins your tongue, while the straps of the bridle cinch around your neck
  176. >a blue glow envelops you and spins you around to face the rear of the shop
  177. >”Off you go, then,” Rarity gives you a light slap on the flank, “Try the second drawer down in my sewing table, and do try to keep it down. We are a respectable business here at Carousel Boutique!”
  178. >You’d show them! Treating you like so much mindless baggage while they schemed. You’d sit quietly and politely and be damned with their expectations.
  179. >summoning as much hauteur as possible you prance to the rear of the store, kicking the door closed with a hindhoof on the way
  180. >with the door closed behind you, you take a look at the sewing room: drapes of various fabrics several sewing machines and bowls of buttons, sequins, and trim arranged haphazardly according to the whims of an artistic temperament.
  181. >you can hear a quiet murmuring through the door but even with your ear pressed to it, the conversation is difficult to make out. Something about “additional temporary transfers” and “probably not a matter for the Princess” and “yes, another glass would be lovely, really helps to steady the nerves” and “if he can manage it”
  182. >”if you can manage it.” The very notion! An insult to your Inherent badassery. You’d have this magic thing figured out in no time! Probably even better than Twilight.
  183. >In fact, you were going to figure it out right now! And you knew just what to focus on.
  184. >Second drawer down in the sewing table, eh, Rarity?
  185. >you fumble with the handle, first with a good and then with two, but to no avail
  186. >attempts to bite it open also prove useless, as the bit interferes with your grip
  187. >now what did Twilight tell you? Something about interacting with the magic field?
  188. >you stop gnawing at the drawer to consider your senses, but, you know, this time without being a sarcastic asshole to Twilight
  189. >sure enough, even though your body layout was very different, and even though many particular places felt strange and either muted or highlighted, your body felt like, well, a body
  190. >if they cut you, would you not bleed?
  191. >but there was something else, a transmundane sort of sensation, and sensation was the word for it. A sort of extra layer of information, on top of the light and the sound, ricocheting off the world around you, dense around a bowl full of jewels, sparse around an old heap of cut fabric scraps, that wasn’t a glow or a hum or a tingle. It was just...Magic.
  192. >”use your inherent magical essence” Twilight said, or somesuch
  193. >for several minutes you sat staring at the handle, visualizing the magic draining into your horn or swirling around you like a disk, but to no avail
  194. >it finally happened when you stopped trying to see the magic and let some utterly unicorn part of your mind do, well, it did something
  195. >it was like trying to see out of the corner of your eye; if you thought about how it worked, it wouldn’t and you would focus the wrong bits on it.
  196. >It didn’t work to try to take the magic into yourself or flow through youbor anything like that. Your horn was like an electromagnet in iron filings. All you had to do was figure out how to switch it on, and let the magic in yourself bend all the magic around you
  197. >once it started, the trick for moving things wasn’t actually so tough. Make the magic around something bunch up enough to move it and then push it in a direction from your horn’s field.
  198. >easy peasy, flyswat a breezie
  199. >you bunched the magic up around the drawer handle and brought it towards your horn
  200. >kaklunkscreeeechtunk
  201. >ok, fair enough, you made it jump the drawer slides, then pulled it all the way out and dumped it on the floor. Baby steps. Still pretty good.
  202. “Sweet baby bunnies.”
  203. >well, that’s what you wanted to say. in fact you said ‘hee hayhee unnieth” this damned bit was going to become annoying, but, on the other hand, considering the condition of the drawer, trying to remove it with magic would be an open invitation to a broken jaw and probably strangulation
  204. >probably for the best. otherwise, you would have some choice exclamations to make about the contents of Rarity’s sewing desk, and you were supposed to be acting superior and elegant.
  205. >being a man of the world, two in fact, you were well aware of the nature of most of the utensils contained therein, but the metal one with the hinges and the other one with the spiky wheel were new even for you
  206. >now of course, you found yourself in a bit of a pickle, well, a rubber pickle in point of fact
  207. >the plan had been to peek into the drawer, maybe have a gawk at the contents, and slide it closed, since, obviously, you weren’t one to be bossed around by ponies. No, sir, just because they wanted you to fiddle with your new girly bits to get you out of the way didn’t mean that they could make you
  208. >then again, it would take some fine maneuvering to get that drawer back into place, and fine maneuvers weren’t on the table just yet
  209. >the only reasonable way to get better at something was to practice, of course, and in order to show Rarity and Twilight that you were more than a madman, you needed to put the drawer back into place.
  210. >to put the drawer back into place you needed to practice
  211. >and, hey, there were all of these fiddly accoutrements just scattered around, perfect for practice to fine tune your magic
  212. >I mean, what else could you do? Try to sew something and ruin Rarity’s supplies? What kind of a friend would do that?
  213. >the only way to show how little you care about them wanting you to sex yourself, therefore, is to practice sexing yourself
  214. >but spitefully
  215. >you are very clear on that
  216. >this would be vengeful masturbation
  217. >you focus on scrunching magic up around some of the more outlandish devices and, with a minimum of carnage, return them to the desk drawer
  218. >next you carefully select a rubber dingle doodle and float it between your legs
  219. >now here comes the tricky part
  220. >on top of every thing else, the duck didn’t exactly get up in there, so you are flying a little blind in this regard
  221. >slowly, slowly raise it up and-
  223. >very likely the only thing that kept Twilight and Rarity from hearing you was the gag
  224. >you weren’t positive about what sex was supposed to feel like from this end but the way you lost control of the magic and suddenly punched yourself in the vagina with a silicone sculpture at high speed was not great.
  225. >maybe you should leave all of the penetrables until after a little more practice
  226. “hnnnnnnn”
  227. >a lot more practice
  228. >maybe all you should try right now was putting everything away
  229. “Nnnnnnnn”
  230. >maybe you could get around to that after just another minute of curling up
  231. >eventually the screaming from your rear end quiets down enough that you can shakily uncurl and stand on quivering legs
  232. >despite the pain, your awareness of magic doesn’t diminish; it seems to behave like any other sense, so long as you don’t close your eyes you keep seeing and so long as you let your horn surveill the magic around you, there it is
  233. >you carefully, oh so carefully, pick up the offending wang dang doodle and drop it into the drawer, along with the other toys
  234. >with effort, you lift the drawer back towards its rack and attempt to jam it in
  235. >no luck
  236. >you try multiple times to slide it back into place but your magic just cant seem to adjust for the last few inches
  237. >finally, in frustration, you get the drawer lined up with the shelf and forcefully ram it home with a hoof
  238. >it’s clearly not on the runners and squeaks as it slides roughly in, but at least when they come in it won’t be spilled everywhere
  239. >Come to think of it, between quietly sobbing on the floor and furiously mashing things into holes—drawers, that is, mashing drawers into holes—you’ve actually been in here quite a while.
  240. >Twilight loves to yammer, but surely she has explained whatever the plan is to Rarity by now; after all she seemed to be in such a hurry earlier
  241. >given that you have already flawlessly mastered your new magic, you think that it’s time to check back in with the others
  242. >after all, you had been a polite little angel, and they owed you some attention
  243. >you trot back to the door and press an ear to it, but you don’t seem to hear any conversation this time
  244. >in fact, what you hear sounds more like...
  246. >you boot the door open and glare at where Twilight has Rarity dropped across the shop’s counter
  247. >it probably would have been slightly more scathing if you weren’t gagged, though
  248. “I an ee ee ith! You o ah eh ah awou e an wha the hirth hing oo oo hen I heave tha hoom?!”
  249. >translation: “I can’t believe this! You go on and on about me, and what’s the first thing you do when I’m out of the room?”
  250. >from the abashed expressions though, you think that they understand what you mean
  251. >”I’m sorry, Anon! I didn’t mean to! I just saw that perky white ass and lost all control!” A blush and downcast eyes, “And I think I might have had a little too much wine.”
  252. >”Well, that’s, mmmmmmm, true Darling. Don’t blame Twilight. After all I did roofie her.”
  253. >”YOU WHAT?!” You exclaim in unison.
  254. >you can’t help but notice that neither of them seem intent on stopping, despite the interruption
  255. >”well, dears, I mean, how often does one have the opportunity to make love to a fine human body, and Twilight seemed to need to, oh my, relax. I thought it might be beneficial for everyone if I just sort of—ooo!—helped her along.”
  256. >”rarity! I can’t believe you drugged me”
  257. ”whaa I an oo oe...”
  258. >”just a moment, dear; if you’re intent on talking we might as well understand what you’re trying to say
  259. >a blue umbra surround the bridle straps and the bit slips free from your mouth
  260. “What I want to know” you repeat, working your jaw, “Is why you have roofies that work on a human?”
  261. >”A gentleman doesn’t ask a—ahhh yes! Yes!—ask a lady questions that he doesn’t want answered, Anon.”
  262. “You were gonna rape me!”
  263. >”Certainly not!” Astonishingly, she does actually manage to look indignant well getting plowed by your roofied body, “ I was merely going to facilitate the fulfillment of your subconscious rape fantasies.”
  264. “By raping me!”
  265. >”Well, yes, sweetie; that’s rather the point, isn’t it?”
  266. “No it bloody well isn-“
  267. >”Just a moment, darling. Oh Celestia! Yes! Just like that! Just like that! Ah! Ahhhh! GaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
  268. >panting, “Anyway, as I was saying, surely a good friend would generously help you live out your desires to dominate and be dominated by a beautiful lady. It’s every man’s dream, is it not?”
  269. “The fact that you are right is beside the point here, Rarity! I think you might actually be evil.”
  270. >”Darling, if I was evil don’t you think I’d have a lot more,” she waves a quivering hoof absently, “you know, evil stuff? black spiky outfits and chains and pointy torture implements and whatnot.”
  271. “You do have those!”
  272. >”Oh so you DID look in the desk?”
  273. “Rarity. Level with me here. How many people have you killed.”
  274. >”what a horrible thing to imply! Safe words are sacrosanct, of course, Anonymous.”
  275. >”well you didn’t give me a safety word!” Twilight wails
  276. >”Twilight, sweetheart, I’ll give you a safety word when you stop trying to hold me down and penetrate every orifice you can reach. As for you, Anonymous, would it make it up to you at all if I let you have a turn with Twilight? I think he’s going to be like this for a while.”
  277. >”Rarity! You can’t just bargain me away like a toy!”
  278. “I agree!”
  279. >”Hush now, the both of you, so dramatic. Of course I can; after all it’s what you both wanted anyway.”
  280. “You’re a monster.”
  281. >”I’m nothing of the sort. Now then Twilight, if you would kindly remove yourself from myself long enough for Anonymous to slide under here. There you go, good girl.”
  282. “I want it on record that you are the most depraved of any of us.”
  283. >”if you believed that, darling, you wouldn’t be spreading your legs right now.”
  284. “S-shut uUUUUUUU—“
  285. >you had to admit a good dicking was way better than a rubber cunt slap, but you probably weren’t going to impress anybody with that observation
  286. >still though, to give yourself some credit, your old body knew how to sling a dick and your new one was pretty great at taking one
  287. >i mean, pretty fucking great
  288. >about fifteen minutes in you decide that it’s even better than the rubber duck
  289. >after about thirty minutes it’s pretty tough to keep anything straight, and you were pretty sure that you had to include yourself in that description
  290. “I-unf! I-unmf! I-unf! I-would you, ung, slow down for a damn second so I can, ooh, talk! Mmmm, thank you. I just wanted to say that I’m still straight! Just so you both know!”
  291. >Rarity, a faint patina of sweat on her forehead, leans in to face you
  292. >”of course you are! You’re a mare after all. Now, what would be gay is if you were to give me a good licking while Twilight there ravages you from behind”
  293. >and of course she’s shoving it into your snout
  294. >”now that sweetie, THAT would be gay.”
  295. “Monster.”
  296. >
  297. >
  298. >it takes about an hour for the elixir of horniness to finally wear off and for Twilight to collapse on top of you like a wet dakimakura
  299. >but, like, one of those dakis filled with beads
  300. >heavy. The point is your fat ass is fucking heavy.
  301. “Ok, fine, you’ve had your horrible, horrible way with me and...also with me, you white devil, now push him off before my ribs break”
  302. >”I told you you need to go on a diet.”
  303. “Well let’s not get hasty, just get off of me, and try not to pull out too faaaaaassst!”
  304. >”AAAGH! It feels like someone filled my dick with angry ice cubes!”
  305. “Yeah; it’all do that all right. I’m all fairness, it feels like there’s an angry boot between my legs right now.”
  306. >“Yeah, it’ll do that all right.”
  307. >”Yes, well I for one feel positively dazzling!”
  308. “Get bent, Rarity.”
  309. >”Apparently not, dear.”
  310. >”Rarity, as your friend, I want to be honest with you. This was not an efficient use of our afternoon.”
  311. >”There’s more to life than efficiency, Twilight. Sometimes you just have to embrace the moment!”
  312. >”Embracing the moment is one thing; embracing the several hours of precious spell-fixing time is another.”
  313. >”Priorities, Darling.”
  314. “Oh please. You did this because you had a craving for manflesh, don’t try to glamorize it.”
  315. >”I don’t need to glamorize it; it’s a charming little divertissement. You should know.”
  316. >she daintily presses a hoof against the body atop you and pushes, causing it to slide heavily off onto the counter with a damp whump and a sticky pop
  317. >”Oh Celestia, I’m so sleepy. What exactly went into that potion, Rarity?”
  318. >”Heavens, darling, I haven’t the foggiest. Zecora made some up for me a while ago. I’m sure it’s Zebra voodoo and hoodoo and so on and so forth, but quite safe, I was assured! I do believe that that is just the post-orgasm talking.”
  319. >”well I...I...need”
  320. >”Take a nap, sweetheart. Anon and I are going to clean up and have a little chat about magic.”
  321. >”Yeah? Yeah that sounds...that sounds great...jussss...”
  322. >you look down at yourself, unconsciously draped over the wood and glass counter and slowly beginning to wheeze through the nostrils
  323. “Do you know something?”
  324. >”what’s that, dear?”
  325. “I’m not actually very cute when I’m asleep. I thought that was supposed to be universal or something.”
  326. >”well now, we can’t always have everything, can we? Come on then. If you can get yourself unglued there I’ve got a salve that will do a trick on that heinie.”
  327. “Had experience with this sort of thing, huh?”
  328. >”I’m sure that I don’t know what you mean. You just never know when you might need to be prepared.”
  329. >in fact, getting yourself ‘unglued’ so to speak is more of a hassle than expected; stickiness and fur were not a winning combination, and you were feeling a bit worn out in the nethers to begin with
  330. >eventually Rarity needed to give you a gentle lift in the back to get your legs under you and help you walk stiffly to the restroom
  331. >”power room, darling, it’s a powder room”
  332. “There literally cannot be a difference.”
  333. >”well for starters,” and a sudden, velveteen softness under your tail, “it has powder.”
  334. “Ooooh. Ok. Point taken. That is pretty great right now.”
  335. >”yes I do tend to be right.”
  336. “Not that it makes up for-“
  337. >”Anonymous, please. stop your reflexive whining and put your bottom up in the air so I can get a look at you.”
  338. >you suspect treachery, but what else is there to do? You tentatively lift your tail for her.
  339. “You’re not going to fuck me are you?”
  340. >”no; I think we’ve passed that stage.”
  341. >from behind you hear the squish of a wet sponge being wrung, and a moment later a fresh cleanliness, as soapy wetness washes away your leftovers
  342. >you reflexively shiver as the sponge works your sensitive areas
  343. >”although I must say,” and a friendly poke with a hoof in an especially tender spot, “I think that I’m going to get a few more out of you before I’m finished here, regardless.”
  344. >it wasn’t worth the protest; after all, it was helping in the long run, right?
  345. >she finishes with the sponge and you hear a flatulent sputter as a squeeze bottle is compressed
  346. >”This will probably be quite tingly at first. just enjoy it.”
  347. >a feeling like the smell of cucumbers and watermelon being slowly massaged into you
  348. >”now while you lie there and moan and my hooves are busy, let’s talk shop. Do try to keep some bit of your mind on the subject, yes?”
  349. ”mmf”
  350. >”very well. Now then. Twilight says that there’s some sort of spell active that’s acting like a conduit between your bodies to project your, well she called it ‘personhoods’ but it sounds like a mind to me, into the others body.”
  351. “Mmm”
  352. >“And the spell is permanent, so you can’t just turn it off.”
  353. >you summon an immense amount of willpower to start making words
  354. “Oh?”
  355. >”yes. she apparently tried to explain it to you but you were busy humping a duck at the time and then making a scene in the town square. But, as I understand it, there is ‘un autrement’ as they say.”
  356. “Mm.”
  357. >”Apparently, so long as your mind is projected back into your body from another source everything will be ship shape, as it were. So all we need to do is get your mind into another body, and then get your mind from that body back into your old body.”
  358. “Easy.”
  359. >”Don’t be sarcastic; it’s not becoming. No, not particularly easy, but not particularly difficult either. Twilight showed me the spell and it’s quite simple. But, here’s the catch. Someone involved in a previous iteration of the spell is required to cast the next iteration. That means you need to learn how to do it. Then she said something about a cyclops and a robot and basketball, and something about a blatant rip-off with barely any added complexity, yadda yadda, it was all very melodramatic. But the point is, you’re going to need to cast this spell. First on Twilight and Pinkie Pie and then again on you and me to switch us around. Then again to get your body back from pinkie pie while Twilight trades with me. Then I’ll cast the final spell to trade back with pinkie and everyone will be back to normal. Got it?”
  360. “If I say yes, will you put some more of that stuff on me?”
  361. >”Nevermind that, we’ll explain it along the way. Now. What did Twilight tell you about magic?”
  362. >squelck
  363. >rub
  364. “Uh, I’m sort of a conductor for the world’s natural magic?”
  365. >”terrible oversimplification, but probably enough to get by on for this one spell. And do you sense the magic?”
  366. “Yes, actually.”
  367. >You put on a haughty face
  368. “See while you were in the store demeaning yourself with my body— oh wait no, please, I’m sorry, don’t stop, I’m sorry—ummm, ‘experiencing the moment’ with my body, I was practicing and learning in the back.”
  369. >”with my toys, you mean?” Her tone is so sugared that you can practically taste them
  370. “With...various items. You know, that happened to be Around.”
  371. >”well good for you, anon. And how did it go?”
  372. “Not. Perfect.”
  373. >”Gracious, anon, you didn’t do anything with the spiky wheel, did you?”
  374. “Aside from wondering what it was for, no. What, exactly is it for?”
  375. >”Well, it does cause a delightful frisson of nervous stimulation when rolled across erogenous zones,” her muzzle quirks in a half smile, “But mostly it makes people ask what it’s for.”
  376. “Devilish.”
  377. >”One tries. What did you try to do?”
  378. “Just moved stuff around. I’m not exactly gunning to be a surgeon at this point, but I mean, I can make a thing go in a direction?”
  379. >”we all start wit the basics, I suppose. At least being a human hasn’t made it impossible for you to sense magic altogether. Now then,” a sharp swat on the flank to snap you out of your blissful relaxation, “while Twilight is asleep we’re going to go look into this. Come on, time for some friendship magic!”
  380. >She leads you back to where Twilight is quietly snoozing in your body
  381. >”Alright, Anon, the spell Twilight cast should be forming a permanent magical bridge between the both of you. I’m not positive what we are looking for, but I suspect that you should be able to see a difference between the magic between you and him, and the magic between you and myself. Dazzle me!”
  382. “What? Just, look to see what the difference is?”
  383. >”It will be a place to start! As Shadow Spade once said, ‘The dame had legs up to her withers, and a look in her eye that shouted trouble.’ But she also once said, ‘Sometimes if you want to find a clue, you have to look for it.’”
  384. >you shrug and try to do that thing where you didn’t look but also totally looked with your horn
  385. >there is...something going on between you and your old body the magic there is a different, well, it was hard to find a word for it, a different shade? And moving.
  386. >at first you thought it was a circuit, traveling through you both, but after some analysis it seems more like two completely distinct lines of motion: one from you to Twilight, another from Twilight into you
  387. >looking over to Rarity, nothing. Well plenty of stuff, strange swirls in the texture, random twanging on the strings of the grid, a gentle repulsive pressure all around Rarity, making the light around her twinkle and shimmer. But no pathways
  388. “Do you do that on purpose?”
  389. >”Do what, darling?”
  390. “You’re glittering.”
  391. >”Oh thaaaat that. One doesn’t really think about it, I suppose. Yes, well, no, well, I mean you sort of start it going and it takes care of itself. It’s just a little glamour, dear. Think of it like, like, like wearing makeup for unicorns. A little glitz and glam to make you presentable and help you stand out for other magic users. You simply don’t go out without one running; it just isn’t done.”
  392. “D-do I need to learn to do that? Am I doing it now?”
  393. >”What? On Twilight’s body? Nonono! Oh dear me, she doesn’t really go in for that sort of thing. A bit frumpy, but don’t tell her I said that, just between us.”
  394. “Why not?”
  395. >”I don’t think she feels the need, honestly. Any time she does so much as a simple levitation it’s, pardon my Zebrese, it’s damn near a work of art crossed with a applebuck to the face. You can get away with forgoing a lot of posturing if you’re genuinely a walking tour de force.”
  396. “Well she obviously didn’t get this one right,” you say with a huff.
  397. >”Well, I do suppose that she can be a bit, um, overambitious when it comes to experimentation. You know how excited she can be. You must admit, though, the spell did work. She might just not have thought through the consequences.”
  398. “That also sounds plausible, yeah. She’s a little dumb when she starts being smart.”
  399. >”Well let’s not be dramatic, let’s.” Rarity’s blue eyes roll for a moment, “Now Twilight has the spell written down in a book, naturally, but if you’ve never learned anything about the parlance of magic then that’s not going to be very helpful. Every grown unicorn might know what it means to rotate the magic widdershins and sift from top to bottom, but I doubt that means anything to you.”
  400. “Is it, hold on, let me guess, some sort of baked good?”
  401. >”Don’t be a smart aleck, Anon. What you need to do is feel out that magical connection and see if you can find out how it’s interacting with your horn. How it, um, feels? How your horn pushes or pulls on the strings around you. If it’s a stable connection then the spell should be the same now as when it was firsf cast, so you’ll just need to replicate that same action with another pony.”
  402. >Rarity glances back over towards you and notices your eyes slowly glazing over
  403. >”Anooooooon,” she says with a pout and a moody stomp, “This is important!”
  404. “Uhhhhh, sure. Just magical force thingy to the right and and then probably I think you said something about shins?”
  405. >“Oh for Luna’s sake! Just do whatever your horn is already doing and point it at Twilight and someone else!”
  406. “Ohhhhhh. Ok.”
  407. >you rummage around up there, sorting stuff out and feel a rush of current through your horn
  408. >and conveniently someone else just happened to be right there
  409. >vvvvvvhhhhhhhmmmmm
  410. >”Wait, anon! Not ye-!”
  411. >mmmmmmmZKAP
  412. >on the counter, your body spasms upright before crashing backwards into a roll of silk, sending it rolling and slowly unspooling across the floor
  413. >Rarity, on the other hand, ponderously collapses like a cardboard box in a puddle. Her head hits the floor last and bounces once before her eyes flicker open.
  414. >”what in Equestria? Mmmm. Oooooo.” she stretches like a cat, “wow that nap made all the difference.”
  415. >”WAHAHAHAAAGH!” Your old body now careens into a bowl of safety pins, “What did you do-o-o-o?
  416. “Rarity told me to point it at Twilight and someone else! Blame her! She tricked me! It’s all her fault! I’m an innocent victim here!”
  417. >”Blame Rarity?” A pair of hands grabs you by the scruff of the neck and hoists you to human eye level, “I AM RARITY!”
  418. “Goddamn I’m good at this magic stuff.”
  419. >”ANON! You fix this right now! Right!” her huffy stomp just wasn’t as cute with human feet, “NOW!”
  420. “Yeah fine. I’ll just, um...”
  421. >You focus on doing the horn thing again, but every time you try to send her back it breaks apart
  422. “Maybe if I do the reverse? And then...nope. Huh, maybe...”
  423. >”Put me down, Rarity. Anon can’t fix it right now.”
  424. >Rarity’s body is still stretching, and gives a little toss of her mane.
  425. “Twilight?”
  426. >”Mmhmm. Looks like you figured something out, Anon. Oooh, I’ve got to say, Rarity, this body is feeling pretty nice right now.”
  427. >”Yes, well THIS body feels like it drank three bottles of wine last night and got hit with a hoofball bucket below the waist! And I have a a a...a pe-e-e-enis!” her sobs eventually turn to sniffles.
  428. >”Well, Rarity, it serves you right for liquoring me up and DRUGGING ME. Lest you forget, you quite literally did this to yourself.”
  429. >Your body sniffs inconsolably
  430. >”B-but I don’t even feel good enough down there to try it ou-u-ut. And I want to use my peeeeenis.”
  431. >you sigh resignedly
  432. “I’ll go get the salve.”
  433. >
  434. >
  435. >”Rarity, this is your fifth time! Would you just let anon go? We’ve made good progress and now we’re just squandering the rest of the day!”
  436. “Seriously. Ooh! I haven’t, umf, been keeping track, but my balls must be, mmmm, like raisins at this point. I didn’t even think I had it in me, ah!
  437. >”Well you certainly ‘have it in you’ right now, Anon; you’re hardly helping the situation.”
  438. >”Tut-tut the both of you! After all, I did, grnt, did agree to this arrangement just to, ha, help my friends. Anon seems to have the hang of things, so, hnt, there doesn’t seem to be any big rush at this point.”
  439. >”People have been telling me that all day! I want to get back in my body!”
  440. >”And you will, sweetheart, but let your friends have some, aha, fun along the way.”
  441. “I’m, ooh!, minded to agree with her, Twilight, aren’t you having fun back in a unicorn body?”
  442. >”Well, I’m not saying that I’m not having fun, but I think-“
  443. >”Darling, you’re just being tetchy because you’ve tried all of the toys in that drawer already and we’re still going, but there’s a hat box in the corner over there that I think you’ll really appreciate. But first, come be a dear and pull the beads out of Anon, I do so love how he tenses up when you do th-hat.”
  444. “Still straight!”
  445. >“Of course you are, deaaaaAAAAAA! Oh my. Just delightful when you do that. Now run along Twilight, and don’t worry about the size, I assure you I’ve used them all before; that body can handle it.”
  446. >you listen to her hooves clop over to a corner and the scooting of a box
  447. >”Rarity! I can’t use this! I’ll die!”
  448. >You try to crane your neck to look over, but the blindfold only permits the smallest sliver of vision, and the straps are holding you firmly in place.
  449. >”Well you just do what feels nicest for you, of course, dear, but I give you my word, I like it.”
  450. >”Well. I guess that I might as well do some basic comparisons. For research purposes of course.”
  451. >a soft slick sound and a drawn out moan
  452. >”I think that should keep her occupied for at least another couple rounds. Now then, are you ready for the spiky wheel?”
  453. “N-not the spiky wheel! It’s too much!”
  454. >”The safe word is ‘onomatopoeia’ Darling. Feel free to squirm.”
  455. >
  456. >
  458. >”Twilight, you and I both know that isn’t true, but you’re beginning to get that twitchy eye look and you seem to have grown bored with the ULTRASTALLION(tm), so, in a show of self-denial and generosity I am willing to give Anonymous a brief respite, on the condition that I get him back later.”
  459. “Oh thank the stars, sweet mercy.”
  460. >”Anon, tell me the truth, when I get my body back am I going to be a cripple?”
  461. “Let’s just say I’m going to be betting against you in this year’s running of the leaves. You might make a full recovery by the next one though.”
  462. >”I can’t believe the amount of drah-ma with you two. No offense to your equipment, Anon, but you’re not exactly going to break any pelvises with this thing.”
  463. “Hey!”
  464. >“No offense to your equipment, Rarity, but that body’s a lot tighter than this one.”
  465. >”Well I never! The gall!”
  466. >stubbornly, ”Well it’s true. After all, I would know, wouldn’t I?”
  467. >”You keep going, dear, and I’ll have you tied up next to anon! That’s the last we’ll hear of it!”
  468. >an exasperated snort that you know is accompanied by a roll of the eyes
  469. >”come on then, Anon, let’s get you unbuckled, and—oh don’t be such a baby! Stand up and go clean off! The both of you! It’s like I’m the only one with any stamina around here.”
  470. >you delicately tend to your matted fur, again, and carefully apply some of what you are coming to realize must me a magical salve, again.
  471. “I’m not exactly complaining, Rarity, but I’m starting to get a feeling of deja vu.”
  472. >”Don’t think that I’m planning to stop here, Darling. I’ve still got plans if I’m going to be in this body for a while.”
  473. >”Well then hopefully you won’t be. And I won’t be either. We need to go gather up Pinkie Pie and get on with things.”
  474. >”Not that I would ever gainsay your tactical thinking, but given your reaction to the situation thus far, do you really think that what this calls for is, ahem, more Pinkie Pie?”
  475. >”I know, I know. She’s probably not the most, um, stable element to add to this equation, but Rainbow would be even worse, and Fluttershy would probably die of fright.”
  476. >”Why not Applejack?”
  477. >”You’re telling me that you’d be fine switching Applejack into your body in the next step?”
  478. >”Pinkie Pie it is, then!”
  479. >"Anon, would you stop that! You can't just go rubbing your crotch in public whenever you want! Especially when it's my crotch!"
  480. >you pause in your tender massage as you walk stiffly down the street
  481. "Au contraire, Twilight, I think I've proven that I can, and I can make other ponies do it too."
  482. >"Twilight has a point dear; it's most uncouth."
  483. "Well I can only take so much fucking before I need a little massaging down there, ok? I'm a bit worked over IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RARITY."
  484. >"No need to raise your voice. Grin and bear it until you get somewhere private. 'Ponesse Oblige,' as they say."
  485. "Easy for you to say," you grumble, "I really need a TYLENOL(TM) EXTRA STRENGTH, THE NUMBER ONE DOCTOR RECOMMENDED BRAND OF ON-THE-SHELF PAINKILLER, or at least a damn drink."
  486. >"I did generously offer you a stiff brandy before we left, Anon."
  487. "And was it also roofied?"
  488. >"I refuse to countenance that with a response! Harumph!"
  489. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Listen; if we're going to be trotting all over the place, we're stopping by Sweet Apple Acres for a drink."
  490. >"Anon! Come on, can't we just do this already!"
  491. "Classic Twilighting. Pinkie isn't going anywhere and I need a drink. Don't tell me you don't want a whisky too; I know you do."
  492. >"That body drinks wine and the occasional brandy, darling."
  493. >"Well I drink what I want, so get over it! I can't believe this, I can literally see Sugarcube corner from here! Please, pleeeeeease lets just go and finish this!"
  494. "I'll make you a deal. We grab some bottles out of her cellar without asking, plant some evidence implicating Rarity, and go straight to Sugarcube corner, getting drunk along the way?"
  495. >"WHAT?!"
  496. >"I feel like I should be objecting to this, but it's more reasonable than I thought when you offered to make a deal."
  497. >"You can't do this to me! Twilight! Anon!"
  498. >"And she does deserve it."
  499. >"Scoundrels!"
  500. "And I need a dark place to rub myself for a minute."
  501. >"Ew."
  502. >you worry that Rarity's constant whining will draw attention to you, but nobody seems to be around as you open the cellar door outside of the barn and climb into the dark recesses of the Apple family's stash of the good stuff
  503. >Listen! Twilight! Anon! This is a bad plan! Let's frame somepony else, shall we? Why not Scootaloo? Or, or Sweetie Belle! Yes, look, I have a drawing that she made me in my saddlebag! We could leave it at the scene, so to speak. You can't really be serious!"
  504. "Just pluck a few hairs out of your mane, Twilight. Maybe write 'you'll never catch me! mwahahaha!' in the dust?"
  505. >"What? No! Nonononononono. Come on. I'm your friiiiieeeeend."
  506. >"Already on it. Did you get the liquor?"
  507. >What if...what if they catch us before you switch out of my body, aha! Then they'll enact Apple Family Justice on YOU!"
  508. >"Well we'd better hurry then."
  509. >"Too late," a lazy voice drawls from above you, just before the cellar door slams closed
  510. >"Oh horseapples."
  511. >a match scrapes across the cold stone of the cellar wall and a sulfurous smell drifts through the room as Applejack carefully applies the flame to a kerosene safety lamp
  512. >"Now what in the hay are y'all doin down here at sunset?"
  513. >"Nothing, darling, just, ummm...just looking for you! To...inviiiiite you to, an, um..."
  514. "Orgy!"
  515. >"Bookclub!"
  516. >"I was also going to say orgy."
  517. >"Oh realllly?" the orange mare methodically locks the door behind her and meaningfully descends the cellar stairs, lantern gripped in her teeth, somehow without interfering with her speech. "See, I reckon y'all were planning to take some of this here Apple Family property. Without. Payin'."
  518. >Whaaaaaat? Nooooo." Rarity's body waves a hoof in a very Twilight-like manner, "Just noticed the door was open and, you know, bookclub orgy night is tonight, so..."
  519. >"Ya know, I'm the element of honesty. And I think..." her orange nose almost presses against the white one, "I think y'all are lyin'."
  520. >The white unicorn gulps, "Applejack, did you know that you're actually incredibly menacing at times?"
  521. >"Well, shucks. I guess I might be. If y'all are GUILTY!"
  522. >In unison, both you and Twilight point directly at the human.
  523. >"IT WAS HIS IDEA!"
  524. >"Oh, poot."
  525. >Applejack was remarkably skilled with her trademark lasso, even in the confines of the cellar. With the door locked above you it only takes her half a minute to rope and hogtie all three of you.
  526. >”Y’all ever just consider askin’?” she remarks, cinching the ropes around your ankles, “Maybe payin for drink like civilized ponies?”
  527. “Literally begged him to stop, but he just wouldn’t listen.”
  528. >”That is so unfair! They’re lying to you; I was the one begging THEM, Darling!”
  529. >”Anon, I ain’t sure why y’all are talkin’ funny, but it ain’t gonna work on me.”
  530. >”I’m not Anon, dear, I’m Rarity! There’s been a terrible magical mishap and these two are being absolutely beastly toward me.”
  531. >AJ cocks an eyebrow quizzically
  532. >”That’s a new one.”
  533. >”No, it’s true,” the white unicorn pipes up, “I’m Twilight. And Anon is in me right now.”
  534. >”Now hold up. Lemme get this straight. You, Twilight, are in Rarity’s body, and you,” gesturing with a hoof, “Rarity, are in Anon’s body? And you, Anon, are in Twilights body?”
  535. >nods all around
  536. >”Well how in tarnation did you manage that one?!”
  537. >”It’s a long story. If you come along with us to Sugarcube corn-“
  538. >”Whoa there, Bessie! I don’t see how any of this explains why y’all were in my cellar stealin’ my fine array of potables. Now usually, this is the part where I might have to start buckin’ folks in the tender bits, but seeing as how y’all are my friends, I’m gonna give y’all a chance to explain y’allselves. And since I figure we’re all in need of a drink at this point here’s what I’m going to propose. I’ma gonna tie y’all up to those chairs by that little table yonder where Granny does her secret drinkin’ and we’re going to play a little drinking game.”
  539. “Goody.”
  540. >
  541. >
  542. >”Drink.”
  543. “Applejack, far be it from me to critique your methodology, but I’m not sure that ‘Drink liquor until you pass out’ counts as a game, per se.”
  544. >”Y’all ain’t playin it right, Twinon.”
  545. “Catchy, but I don’t think it’ll stick.”
  546. >”See, I ain’t playin’ to pass out. I’m playin’ to stay awake. Because, ya understand, I’ve got the key outta here.”
  547. “Ah.”
  548. >”And if y’all are plannin’ on leavin’ here without payin’ the thief tax, y’all better be the last ones awake so y’all can take it off me.”
  549. “Well, I mean can we just pay the thief tax?”
  550. >”Sure thing, Sugarcube,” she stands easily from her spot across from you. “Which rib do y’all reckon is your least favorite?”
  551. “Jeeezuz fuck, AJ! I meant money!”
  552. >”That ain’t no way to teach a thief nothin’ anon. Now what would all the other moonshiners say if they got word I’d let burglars walk away after they got caught in my cellar? Next thing you know the Pears and the Grapes would run us out of town and Apple Bloom would be starvin on the street. Drink”
  553. >you drink as Applejack wanders back around the table and resumes her seat, downing her own glass in an easy gulp
  554. >”Now, if by some miracle you manage to get me under the table and word gets out we had a straight up contest to see what happens next, well, folks of our ilk respect that sorta thing.”
  555. >”Darling, I had nothing to do with this! I’m just following them to get my body back!”
  556. >”Well then, Sugar, I reckon I can come to some sort of...arrangement with you and that there body you find yourself inhabitin’.”
  557. >”Oh yes?” a spark of hope
  558. >”Granny seems awful lonesome of late.”
  559. >”Oh.” Flatly
  560. >”Or, of course, I could just buck one of your testicles right through the seat of that there chair.”
  561. >”I don’t think that will be necessary, Sweetie. After all, I do have the body mass advantage, although that’s not a statement I’m used to making.”
  562. >despite her words, though, Rarity seems to be having trouble keeping your human body upright in its bonds
  563. >”Then again,” Rarity says, as the seventh shot passes her lips, “I’m not exactly coming into this on empty. Oh dear.”
  564. “Well thanks, Rarity. I’m so glad you drugged me up and gave me booze already today. All I’m saying is that your mind better be the one in there when I have to do Granny Smith.”
  565. >”Yess. Terribly sorry...dear, I’m not sure I’m going to thiiii...”
  566. >”I reckon it’s just between us girls, then.”
  567. >”I suppose so. Applejack, don’t you think we could, I don’t know, say that we were just here to pick up a delivery? Pay you for the bottles and call it good?”
  568. >”Now listen up, Twilight, there ain’t no ill will in this, and it don’t mean we can’t be friends, ya hear, but a mares got to stick to her principles. I mean, I’m givin’ you a nice sportin’ chance here, but what y’all did just wasn’t honest, and I ought to know that when you ain’t honest, sometimes it just comes back to bite ya in the behind, like a rattler in a twister. Now drink.”
  569. >things are beginning to get pretty fuzzy, and Twilight seems to be feeling it too
  570. >”And, errr, what was I? And you think it’s spor-t-ting to have two unicorns facing off with an earth pony in a drinking contest.”
  571. >”Listen sugarcube, I think this was only ever gonna go one way, cause I ain’t even feelin it yet, but y’all are my friend, and I figure, ya know, do y’all really wanna be awake for this?”
  572. >”Goo poin’. Path me tha boddle, then.”
  573. >and down she goes
  574. >”Just you an’ me then, huh, Anon?”
  575. “Jusst so you know, you, you know, I combletely understand. I think, I I I I think brobably my left rib second from the top. Least favorith.”
  576. >”Good ta know. You know what I suspect anon? Drink.”
  577. >you both drink
  578. “whazzat?”
  579. >”I suspeck, sus. speckt. that y’all are the one who started this whole thing.”
  580. “Sssssscurilous amalgamtions.”
  581. >”And I don’t rightly think it’s fair that Twilight gets her body back with a cracked rib, and you get yours back in ex-exchange for givin’ Granny a ride.”
  582. “I do no’ liekh where thisssiz goi’.”
  583. >”so I think, after you get back into yer body, I’m just gonna, gonna hafta, I dunno, break your finger? Does tha hurt himans?”
  584. “Yup.”
  585. >”Good then. I’m gonna break your finger. But but not now. Later. When you’re in there.”
  586. “Got id.”
  587. >”But your rib now though.”
  588. “Don’t I, um get don’t I get, don’t I...aren’t i sposed to pass out firtht?”
  589. >the edge of your vision was receding
  590. >”That is fair. A fair. A fair point. Now drink.”
  591. >you drink, and as the warm darkness flows up from your spine you do the only thing you can think of
  592. “Juss, Hey, AJ?”
  593. >”what’s that anon?”
  594. “Your your vagiiiina is probably still, still going to be sore when you, when you, you wake up. It’s beeeeen a realllllll wild day.”
  595. >”Huh?”
  596. >mmmmmmmmmmmMMMMKZAP!
  597. >you’re definitely still feeling the effects of liquor, but jumping into Applejacks body is like a splash in the face with cold water
  598. >across from you Twilight’s body yawns hugely
  599. >”Ah rrreecckooon thasss cheatin’ bu’ I’ll gif pointttts for crea..tivi...ty...” and her cheek slowly settles into the table with a snore
  600. >moving as steadily as you can, you climb the stairs and unlock the cellar door before returning to the table to work on untying Twilight and Rarity
  601. >no magic, just a tipsy earth pony body controlled by a human trying to undo tightly knitted rope
  602. “Great.”
  603. >you bite down on a bit of loose rope and give it a tug to try to finagle the knot, only to have the cord tear in your jaws like wet yarn
  604. “Holy fuck, serioushly?”
  605. >you try it again with another piece of rope, and, yes, any serious application of force tears it apart with a thick popping twang
  606. >you tentatively poke a leg of the chair the white unicorn is currently tied to
  607. >nothing
  608. >a bit harder
  609. >it scoots across the floor slightly
  610. >a solid kick
  611. >the leg explodes into a spray of splinters and shrapnel, and your hoof continues to scythe out two more legs before the chair topples over and breaks on the stonework
  612. “Hot DAMN!”
  613. >on the floor, the unicorn curls up clutching its head before explosively vomiting into the debris
  614. “Yikes. Gonna have to find you some water.”
  615. >”Gaaaaaahhhhh.”
  616. “Yeah that’s about what I thought. Just give me a second to untie Rarity.”
  617. >you shred your way through the rope holding your old body to its chair only to have it topple onto you
  618. “Ah dammit, not again!”
  619. You brace yourself for the impact only to find the body drooping easily over your back.
  620. “Holy shit, being strong is awesome!”
  621. >”Gaaaaaaahhhhh”
  622. “Yeah, you know what, actually I totally think that I can carry you too.”
  623. >you grab the unicorn’s disheveled purple mane in your teeth and pull
  624. >to your growing delight she slings easily over your shoulders.
  625. >the combined weight of the two of them is like a particularly heavy backpack, which isn’t bad since your body alone probably outweighs you three or four times
  626. >it takes a little effort to make it up the stairs, but once you hit you make it to the flat ground you seem to manage, and the cool air from the now starlit countryside is invigorating
  627. >”well howdy there, sis!”
  628. >aw, shit
  629. “Erm, howdy there, little...bean...sprout?”
  630. >”Whatcha doin with Rarity and Anon?”
  631. “Oh we, were...uhhh...boy howdy I reckon we were havin a hoedown in the ol’ cellar yonder and these townies just couldn’t handle, uh, hoofdle, I mean, their poison. Um. Howdy.”
  632. >”was y’all drinkin the bramble batch or the mountain stream?”
  633. “Uhhhhhh...both? Sugarcube?”
  634. >”Aw y’all ponies get to have all the fun!”
  635. “Oh well...I mean I reckon, um, we were playin a might rowdy drinkin’ game...y’all...and Miss Twilight made a bigger mess down there than...a milliners? I reckon, I mean Ah rehkon iffin y’all go an wash, um warsh it all up, y’all can take a bottle for your, yer, um fer y’all’s ol’ treefort club. Howdy.”
  636. >”Really?!”
  637. “Erm, eeyup? Just do me an ol’ favor ya hear and I reckon just leave Twilight tied up for now I reckon howdy sugarcube.”
  638. >”You’re the best, AJ!”
  639. “And don’t tell Granny!”
  640. >as she scampers eagerly toward the cellar you make a beeline for downtown
  641. >you can’t properly trot under all the weight, especially with your old body dragging the ground on either side of you, but you can still make good time, and you don’t seem to get winded very easily
  642. >you manage to pull back on your hoof just in time, and the door to Sugarcube Corner merely thunders, instead of bursting the latch
  643. >a moment later and the door swings open
  644. >”Oh hey there, Anonymous-in-Applejack’s body! Are you here for some bedtime cupcakes?”
  645. >
  646. >
  647. “Serious question, Pinkie.”
  648. >”Serious answer, Nonny!”
  649. “Is this cupcake spiked with any sort of aphrodisiac or love potion?”
  650. >”...”
  651. “...”
  652. >”...perhaps I can interest you in one of our fine cookies instead?”
  653. “That sounds lovely thank you.”
  654. >”Fresh from the oven! Still sticky!”
  655. “I just want to be very clear here, Pinkie. I am accepting this cookie as a gift between friends because you are not asking for money, which I will gladly pay to you if you so desire. I am in no way attempting to steal this cookie.”
  656. >”You’re weird, Anon.”
  657. >in a booth behind you Rarity and Twilight are lying down with wet clothes over their eyes and large glasses of water in easy reach. Neither was showering you with the appropriate amount of praise for your quick thinking, so you had decided to ignore them for the time being.
  658. “It’s been a weird day.”
  659. >”Mondays; am I right?”
  660. “So let’s just get this out of the way. When are we gonna fuck?”
  661. >”Not until the next section at least, but he’s basically making it up as he goes.”
  662. “I refuse to understand what you mean by that.”
  663. >”Mondays; am I right?”
  664. “You are not wrong.”
  665. >”Milk?”
  666. “Sure, thank you. You know, I’ve always meant to ask about that, isn’t this weird? I mean, cows can talk just like ponies, doesn’t it get awkward to still be drinking cows milk?”
  667. >”Why would we drink cow’s milk, ew.”
  668. >Gently, but firmly, you remove the glass from your lips and place it on the table.
  669. “On second thought, possibly a coffee?”
  670. >”Coming right up! Do you take cream?”
  671. “Not anymore.”
  672. >”So what’s the plan, Fran?” Pinkie slides a mug of black coffee across the table
  673. “Well, I don’t actually know anymore. I’m pretty sure that originally I was going to switch with you, but that’s when I was in Twilights body. Now that I’m in Applejack...honestly I lost track a while ago.”
  674. >”Ooooh! It’s like a puzzle!”
  675. “It’s like a damned headache.”
  676. >”Nah, you’re probably just sobering up. This sounds like the sort of thing Twilight would be really, reeeeaaaallly good at.”
  677. “Probably, but it looks like she’s down for the count right now.”
  678. >”So when are you going to switch minds with Princess Celestia? Ha! Nice spit take, anon. Classic.”
  679. “I’m not! Are you kidding! Things are already too complicated for me; I’m not looking to add an attempted coup to the list!”
  680. >”Maybe later?”
  681. “Look, Pinks, it’s not like I can change bodies at will. Hell, I can’t even do it at all anymore! It’s a unicorn spell and I’m in an earth pony now, so my ‘plan’ is to wait for Twilight to recuperate and fix everything. Like you said, she’s probably great at this sort of puzzle. She’ll probably think it’s fun.”
  682. >”Awww. But you could be a princess!”
  683. “Nope.”
  684. >”Fine. Then if we’re just going to be sitting around waiting, we might as well haul those two up to my room so they can sleep it off”
  685. >Pinkie effortlessly tosses Rarity over her withers while you grab Twilight.
  686. “Hey so, no disrespect, but being an earth pony is way better than I expected.”
  687. >”Oh yeah, it’s great! Racial boosts to STR, CON and WIS plus extra feats! AJ probably went with agricultural magic; most of my family goes for rock based skills.”
  688. “Eh?”
  689. >”and the best part is that half the baddies don’t even remember to take it away when they suck the magic out of Pegasi and Unicorns. Full marks. Gotta watch out when you’re sexin’ though, one wrong buck and POW! horny stallion goes straight through a wall!”
  690. “I, uh, I’ll keep that in mind Pinkie.”
  691. >”Why? Are you planning on doing it with a stallion next?”
  692. “I’m straight, dammit! Doing it with your old body doesn’t count!”
  693. >”Whatever you say, Oscar Wilde.”
  694. >she pushes open the door to her attic bedroom. It’s lovingly decorated but surprisingly spare, featuring little beside a beautifully crafted bed and some low tables. Near the edge of the room, though an air mattress had been laid out on the floor.
  695. >No, not an air mattress you realize upon further inspection. A balloon mattress.
  696. >”Let’s just set them down on the ol’ squeaker, eh, Mr. Mercury?”
  697. “I’m not gay! Seriously! What do I have to do to—oh shit I really walked into that one huh?”
  698. >“Too late! I’m already naked! Time for sex!”
  699. “You were already naked!”
  700. >”Yeah, anon, but there’s naked, and then there’s naked. And right now I am most absolutely the latter.”
  701. >she smiles with a wink
  702. >”and so are you.”
  703. >filly fooling was...interesting
  704. >it did not have the same pacing or flow as anything you had done thus far; really it was a different sort of dance altogether
  705. >”Well obviously, silly! You’ve got so sort of take turns. I mean, you can sixty nine, or—eep—rub each other off at the same time, and they make—hehe—two way toys, but mostly you just have to—snrt—switch.”
  706. >it was not your turn at the moment and you really, really needed it to be
  707. >you hadn’t even felt this hot and wet the first time you tried it out
  708. >”And don’t get me started—whee—on scissoring. Overrated. But you seem to have figured out the best, the best, the—haaaaaa nnnnnMMMMMMM aaaaaaaah—the best part.”
  709. >you wipe a hoof across your extremely sticky muzzle
  710. “What’s that?”
  711. >”By the time it comes back to you you’re REALLY ready for it. Switch!”
  712. “I’ll try not to kick you this time. And sorry again about that bedpost.”
  713. >”Mmph. Om. Nom.” and a somewhat muffled, “It’s earth pony sex, Nonny, we’re used to it. Who do you think keeps the furniture makers in business? I probably cycle through one bedpost a week just from playing with myself.”
  714. “I, I can see why”
  715. >one of your hind hooves spasms, but it just flails at the air this time
  716. >”Well, Anon, playing is one of my special talents.”
  717. “Oh fuuuuuck.”
  718. >”He he! You’re cute when you do that! Ready for the good stuff?”
  719. “Oh fuuuuUUUUUUU...”
  720. >
  721. >
  722. >you wake up to a sensation of cozy security under a heavy quilt with the comfortable feeling of cuddling into a warm body
  723. >just to make sure of it, you go ahead and nuzzle deep into the downy fur and are rewarded with a quiet yawn and a hoof lightly pulling you closer
  724. >”Go back to sleep, Nonny. Everything is A-Ok.”
  725. “Ok, Pinkie.”
  726. >your eyelids close heavily and with finality, and the sound of quiet breathing and her heartbeat lulls you back into a dreamless sleep.
  727. >
  729. >your head jumps off the pillow, and in a wild frenzy of tangled bedding and limbs you bolt from the bed, only to end up tumbling face first into the wood planking of the floor
  730. >”Aw, Twilight, you woke up, Anon. And he was so cute when he was sleeping.”
  731. >”Why does everypony keep telling me things are ok? Things are not ok! They are far, faaaaaar from ok! They are, like, z and v. Things right now are ZV”
  732. >you extricate yourself from the bedding and find yourself naturally stretching out into a low bend
  733. >”Come on, at the very worst this is a qm situation. You’re just doing your panicked thing.”
  734. >”And the throbbing headache isn’t helping. I haven’t drunk like that since...ok actually your last party, but before that it had been a while!”
  735. >your spine pops from top to bottom and you feel a soft click in your hips
  737. “Oh jeez, hhnnnnnnnnng, can I get some, too”
  738. >you twist your head carefully and hear the creak and click of bone and sinew
  739. “I don’t know what Applejack does with this thing but it aches like a motherfucker.”
  740. >”It’s called ‘work,’ Anonymous. Many ponies actually perform physical labor on a regular basis.”
  741. “Well it’s a bitch, and my joints don’t feel like they have any cartilage. No wonder Granny Smith acts like she’s on painkillers all the time.”
  742. >”Well at least you didn’t wake up to find someone going down on your erection! Do you not have any dignity, Pinkie?”
  743. >”Aww, it just looked so sad standing there all alone! I didn’t think it would wake you up.”
  744. >”I’m not actually sure if that makes it any better!” accompanied by a moody huff.
  745. “Seriously, though, I will accept pain killers and/or a hair of the dog.”
  746. >you stiffly raise and lower your legs one at a time, feeling the tension in the knees
  747. >”In the restroom, Nonny; there’s a medicine cabinet behind the mirror.”
  748. “Thank Christ.”
  749. >”Just watch out for—“
  750. “GAAAAAHHHH!”
  751. >”Yeah, there are confetti poppers in the pill bottle.”
  752. “BUT WHY?!”
  753. >”Well, you know, anytime you’re feeling bad enough to need pills, I figure you can use a little cheerful confetti?”
  754. “I feel like I’m surrounded by people who make very reasonable but very wrong decisions.”
  755. >”You’re telling me!”
  756. “Oh shut up, Twilight. This is all your fault.”
  757. >”Well you don’t have to be rude about it.”
  758. “Ugh, fine. Sorry. We should have come straight here, and I know you’re trying to fix things. Sorry. Now, what do we need to do?”
  759. >”I’m working on it. I think we can still make everything better, but we definitely need to get my body back.”
  760. >”Hehe, oh, come on, that’s easy!”
  761. >quizzical stares directed at the pink pony
  762. >”I mean, it’s Applejack in there. You don’t think she’s already on her—“
  764. “Ah.”
  765. >you poke your head out the window and look down to where the purple unicorn is fruitlessly attempting to buck down the front door
  766. >”Goldarn useless unicorn legs!” She glances up and spots you, “Anon, you give that back! I need that there body!”
  767. “Cool your shit, AJ, I’m not planning on keeping it.”
  768. >”Oh.” the furious kicking comes to a stuttering halt, “Well then will somepony come let me in?!”
  769. >Rarity’s body appears beside you in the window
  770. >”Only if you agree that we won the contest last night!”
  771. >”Y’all cheated!”
  772. >”No; he played smart!”
  773. “Yeah!”
  774. >”Shut up, anon.”
  775. >”Seems like cheatin’ to me!”
  776. >”Hey, you made the rules, AJ: last pony awake won. And who was the last pony awake?”
  777. >”I was! I mean my body was!”
  778. >”Well you should have put a body swapping clause in the rules then.”
  779. >”I didn’t think I needed to! I’m pretty sure that’s assumed in most competitions!”
  780. >”When you assume things AJ, it makes an-“
  781. >”I know, I know! All right. Fine. Y’all won, and I’ll let ya get away with it this one time.”
  782. >”Good.”
  783. >”Next time, I’m gonna kick some flank though! Now come let me in!”
  784. >half an hour later the five of you stand around Pinkies bed while Twilight scribbles on the window with a marker
  785. >”Darling, is there a reason people always seem to do their maths on windows? There’s a very serviceable notebook right here.”
  786. >”Makes it more dramatic, I think,” Pinkie snickers, “And you can get some great zoom shots through the glass. Add in some diminished strings and you’ve got yourself some Oscar bait!”
  787. “Yeah, but isn’t it, you know, way less logical than using paper?”
  788. >Pinkie blows a friendly raspberry, “Since when has logic had anything to do with mathematics?”
  789. “I don’t know how to answer a misstatement of that magnitude, so I’m just going to pretend you made sense.”
  790. >”Yeah, it’s a classic maneuver.”
  791. >”Eureka!”
  792. >”Don’t worry, Twilight, we don’t mind if you run around naked.”
  793. >”What? I mean I figured it out! We can get back into our bodies from here!”
  794. >”Thank goodness! Not that I have anything against humans, dear, but this simply is not my style.”
  795. “Aw, I was sort of getting the hang of things here.”
  796. >”Sorry anon, but you’ve still got one more to go first. Ready Pinkie?”
  797. >”Ready bready!”
  798. >mmmmZKAP
  799. >if someone took the saturation slider for literally everything and dragged it so far outside the guide that the computer broke, that would be a pretty good comparison for Pinkie’s experience of the world
  800. >colors were so vivid that you almost had to squint at them, and every noise chimed with the clarity of a crystal tuning fork
  801. >when an orange hoof patted you on the shoulder it was like every nerve ending got a private massage
  802. >”Don’t freak out, ok!” her voice was a symphony and the roar of a jet engine, “Everything is hunky dory! Probably just a bit intense, huh?”
  804. >you have to shout to be heard over the low roar and bass booms echoing in your head
  805. >”You don’t have to shout, Nonny, it’s just your heartbeat. None of us can hear it.”
  807. >”I’m not sure how anypony else gets things done, honestly! See, watch this!”
  808. >The orange mare picks a book up from a bedside table and flips it open to a random page before thrusting it in your face and immediately slamming it closed. The slap of the covers colliding is like a thunderclap.
  809. >”what did it say?”
  811. >”Ssshhhh. Just talk normal. I promise you’ll hear just fine.”
  812. “You barely showed it to me!”
  813. >”Yeah, but I bet you read it. I always can.”
  814. “Instructions for pineapple upside cake, notes in the margins on how to do it better. The opposite page was on pineapple trifle.”
  815. >”Aaaaaand?”
  816. “The page had pineapple juice spilled on it.”
  817. >”Aaaaaaand?”
  818. “You were holding it upside down”
  819. >”Pretty neat, huh?”
  820. “Pretty. Neat. Yeah...Is that how you...Pinkie?”
  821. >”Some of it, yea” she taps her skull meaningfully, “A lot of it is up here, though. That part came along with me.”
  822. “Holy...”
  823. >”You wanna try something reeeallly fun?”
  824. “What’s that?”
  825. >she playfully pokes you between the legs
  826. >you orgasm twice before you hit the floor
  827. >Eventually you stop seizing long enough to breathe again, and the air is like flavored water you can feel rushing through your body
  828. “AND YOU...and you only go through one bedpost a week?!”
  829. >“Weeeellll, I might have lowballed that a little bit.”
  830. >a blindingly white unicorn leans into your field of view, “Are you ok in there Anon?”
  831. “I’ve got to say, Twilight, this one is pretty wild.”
  832. >”Well we’re almost finished. Just hold still and-“
  833. >”WAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIT! Oops, sorry, Anon.”
  834. >you curl up and cover your ears against the sound of the universe tearing apart
  835. >”What is it Pinkie?”
  836. >in a much quieter voice “Now everyone is somepony else’s body, and if I’m reading this window chart correctly, this is as complicated as we’re going to get, right? It’s all-whoosh!-downhill from here?”
  837. >”That’s the plan!”
  838. >”And we’re NOT going to have an orgy first?!”
  839. >and just thinking about it gets you all the way to orgasm number three
  840. >”Well...” the purple unicorn bashfully kicks at the floor, “I s’pose it has been just a bit since I had something other than my hooves between my legs. And I reckon the rest of y’all have been havin some fun without me. Ya know. By the feel of things.”
  841. >”I suppose I could give this little soldier one last huzzah.”
  842. “Hnnnnnnng”
  843. >”And Nonny’s in! Whaddya say, Twilight? Once more with spirit?”
  844. >a resigned sigh, “OK, but dibs on Rarity!”
  845. >”WHEEEEEE!”
  846. >”and can we at least try to wrap it up by sundown?”
  847. >”No promises, sugarcube. Now get over here, Anon; you owe me!”
  848. >”Teehee! I’m getting in on that action! I bet we can break him!”
  849. “Hrk!”
  850. >”Two bits says we can do it without using tongue.”
  851. >”No bet, space cadet! Too easy. But I’ll give you five we can do it without touching her below the hips.”
  852. >”You got yourself a deal, Pinkie. Now you start lickin, Anon!”
  853. “Mmmmmmph!”
  854. >”Heehee! Look at her cute little nose scrunch! Now watch what happens when I do...THIS!”
  855. >and behind your eyes the universe exploded
  856. >
  857. >
  858. >the world slowly melts back into vibrant but manageable shades of color and sensation in time to hear the chirping of a cricket and the quiet hooting of an owl
  859. >you feel a deep, warm satiation throughout your body, so physical that it astonishes you that you aren’t glowing
  860. >you’re snuggled tightly between an orange and a white mare, their gentle breathing a crescendo of waves on the world largest beach in your ears. Pinkie Pie gently nibbles an ear, and you writhe beneath the world eclipsing tingle until she goes back to slowly snuffling on your neck
  861. >Glancing across the room, you see a purple unicorn sleeping quietly atop your old body, the both of them looking spent and satisfied
  862. >”Hey anon” the white unicorn tenderly strokes your belly, sending you into shivers, “Ready to go home?”
  863. >you lean into her and poke your nose against hers
  864. ”Thanks for the fun.”
  865. >mmmmmMMMKZAP
  866. >you really need to pee
  867. >oh, there are other things going on, too, but you really, really need to pee, and a certain purple unicorn is settled directly on top of your bladder
  868. “Sorry, AJ.”
  869. >You try to be gentle in rolling her off of you, but some things just can’t be done without waking up, and her eyes flicker open.
  870. >”Thanks for the ride, Rarity.”
  871. “Ummm, sure, darling. I’m just off to powder my snootle.”
  872. >she yawns and stretches, glancing over at the heap of ponies in time to see Pinkie Pies body bolt upright and then freeze with its knees locked and a catatonic tremor
  873. “I know the feeling” you mutter at her as you make your way to the lavatory
  874. >you carefully open the toilet seat and dodge the spring loaded fuzzy snakes
  875. >by the time you open the door back into the bedroom Twilight has the purple unicorn and orange pony side by side and magic arcs from her horn
  876. >there’s a wobble before Applejack shakes vigorously and gives an experimental buck
  877. >”Hooo-Ee! Now that's more like it!”
  878. >meanwhile, the purple unicorn glances around the room approvingly.
  879. >”Not bad! Hey, Twilight, bet I can stick something up your butt before you can cast that spell again!”
  880. >”What?! Why?!”
  881. >mmmmmmMMMM
  882. >”Too slow!”
  883. >MMMZKAP!
  884. >”Ahhh! Why?! What even is this?!”
  885. >”Ha! Oh man, you shoulda seen the look on your face when you got in there! And it’s your window math marker.”
  886. >”Oh for Celestia’s sake! Just hold still long enough to get back into your body! Rarity looks like she’s about to pass out.”
  887. >mmmmmmmMMMMMMMZKAP!
  888. >there’s a period of about a minute where nobody says anything
  889. >well, Pinkie won’t shut up, actually, but you’re all tuning that out to become reacquainted with your bodies
  890. >there’s a considerable amount of moaning and stretching going on before Applejack finally wanders over to you
  891. >”That’s you in there, right, Anon?”
  892. “The one and-”
  893. >POW
  894. >the buck takes you clean off your feet and deposits you squarely into the balloon mattress, which makes a valiant effort before popping and dropping you onto the floor
  895. “Agh! Goddammit, AJ! I thought you said we won! Ah fuck!”
  897. “I taste death.”
  898. >”And if ya don’t want another; y’all’re gonna march up there to the farm and give Granny Smith an apology and a roll in the hay!”
  899. “I might actually consider a second applebuck.”
  900. >Her orange forehead presses menacingly against yours
  901. >”I pulled that one pretty hard, anon. You’re still breathing, aintcha?”
  902. “-always had a thing for mature mares, actually.”
  903. >”Now that you mention it, Applejack, dear, he did cause quite a bit of damage to my fabrics, when he zapped me into that body without asking! And damaged a perfectly good desk drawer!”
  904. “Mercy?”
  905. >”And I think you’re going to have a lot of explaining to the townsponies after the stunt you pulled in my body, Anon!”
  906. “I mean...”
  907. >You glance at Pinkie Pie
  908. “Well, what about you?”
  909. >”Nah, we’re good, Nonny! I won five bits from AJ betting against you!”
  910. >sighing, you pick yourself off the floor and dust yourself down
  911. “Home Sweet Home.”
  913. >some time later
  915. >"Anon? Hello, are you awake?"
  916. >"Oh good, now please don't fret or quake."
  917. >"There's been a small mistake I find."
  918. >"One of my potions switched our minds."
  919. >"The spell, I am afraid to say,"
  920. >"This human form cannot allay."
  921. >"I think you'll find it's up to you,"
  922. >"To fix this mixed-up magic brew."
  924. THE END
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