Sphere 6

Sphere 6

January 16th, 1999

Even away from Playtime’s office thoughts of work still plagued me. It was a cold day, not something that was out of place in January, but the lack of clouds let the sun feebly try to warm the landscape. The birds were singing and a slight comforting breeze blew.

Despite the nice day, I couldn’t help but constantly think about the thing that was filling me with dread to me very core. It was January. William had said Happy Smiles would buy Playtime in January. The month was half over, and they still hadn’t bought us out. As much as the wait facilitated false hope in me, I knew they would buy the company. Michelle had already visited William, plans were in motion. I just didn’t know when they would go off, and it was that suspense that was killing me. There was a high chance I would be replaced, that they would put someone affiliated with Happy Smiles in my place. It was too high a position not to. In the very near future I would be out of a job.

The presence of Catherine and Lori didn’t help ally my frantic nerves. Their presence only exacerbated them. It reminded me of what I had to lose, forced me to face reality. Their presence prevented me from deluding myself into thinking this would all end without anything changing.

I didn’t want my family’s lives to change.

Catherine opened the door to our one story square white house, stepping out onto the porch. She sat down next to me, her hand on my knee. The two of us sat in quiet silence for a few long minutes, neither of us having much to say or an urge to say anything at all.

Eventually, my wife broke the silence. Her voice was quiet, soft, but it had an admonishing edge to it, “Alan, you missed it.”

I sat in silence for a moment. Missed it? What had I missed? All my work deadlines I had made. I had managed to be home for dinner most nights. I racked my brain. I was sure I was missing something, but I couldn’t remember what. “It? I’m glad I missed the clown horror book.” It was a weak joke, and both of us knew it.

A frown settled across Catherine’s face. She wasn’t amused, nor was she in a mood to be amused. How had I missed that? I had used to be the world’s number one expert on my wife not too long ago. Now it felt like every day I knew her less and less. “The concert. You promised.”

The concert? I faintly remembered something about that. It had been way back in November. God, November. That seemed so long ago. “Oh. I’m sorry, sweetheart. It’s been busy at work lately, but that’s not an excuse.”

Catherine shook her head, “It’s not.” She crossed her arms, a frown crossing over her face. It was a frown I had seen far too many times in the past months, a frown of dissatisfaction and general unhappiness. “It seems like thats all you have time for anymore. When was the last time you had a day off? A real day off, not a day where you got called into work.”

Did the fact that I didn’t remember make me a neglectful husband, or a dutiful one? I couldn’t quite tell. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. I sighed, “Don’t worry honey, it won’t be long before...” What wouldn’t it be long before? I didn’t think I should say it wouldn’t be long before I get fired, ergo I’ll have more time to spend at home. I couldn’t tell Catherine that. I was stressing enough for the both of us because I had to. If I told Catherine, that wouldn’t change. It would only make her stress for my sake, and I couldn’t do that to her. She was already frowning enough, she didn’t need to live in a perpetual state of worry about my career. Besides, I could handle it. I could avoid being fired. The company needed me, I was what had kept the gears greased and running. There was no way they would fire me. I cleared my throat, “Won’t be long before I get it all taken care of.”

She nodded, her frown lessening a little, “You better. You live in this house too, you need to be around it more. I think it would be good for you.”

It didn’t matter what was good for me, the only thing that mattered was what good for Catherine and Lori. I pursed my lips for a moment, running the mental calculations in my head. I would have to work overtime, but it was doable. The fact that it conflicted with me being at home was something I could and would ignore. “I’ll try to be here more, Cathy. I’m sorry I missed the concert, how about a spa trip instead? Not for me, of course, but for you. Wouldn’t want to outshine you with my natural good looks or anything.” For emphasis, I ran a hand through my hair, flashing a smile I didn’t quite feel. “I’m paying as well. Consider it an apology for missing the concert.”

Catherine shook her head. I swore I heard a tone of sadness in her voice. Or was it happiness? God, I really needed to stay home with my wife more often, “Alan, I can’t. I won’t except this, I can pay for it myself.”

No you can’t, I wanted to say. “I insist, Cathy.”

She sighed, leaning into my shoulder, “Alan.”

The mood felt like a physical weight on my shoulders. It was a tangible thing, one Catherine’s presence didn’t mitigate. If we continued, I knew it would only grow heavier one way or another. I couldn’t have that happen, I wouldn’t let that happen. “I know, I know.” I forced some levity in my voice, hoping it sounded natural, “You know that I know I’m going to insist upon you accepting, and I know you‘re going to continually deny that. Now we both know that the other one knows we know, and now we both know that as well, which leads us further down the path of knowledge as I know that you know that I know, and you know that I know that you know. It’s a simple concept, you know?”

Catherine rolled her eyes, the barest hint of a smile upon her lips. “Well then I guess you know that I know... how do you even keep up with that? Fine, I’ll go if you stop trying to talk me into a headache.”

I grinned, my smile mostly real, “Great! Trust me, you’ll love it!” I planted a kiss on her forehead. The both of us sat there in quiet contemplation. We were both ignoring the elephant in the room, I knew, but neither of us were going to destroy the peace. For a brief, brief moment in this chaotic world I felt utterly calm. Nothing could ruin this moment.

Which was why me thoughts self sabotaged me. It was too quiet, and my mind had little to focus on. Sure, my mind could focus on the suburban neighborhood before me, but it wasn’t able to hold my focus. Even my wife, woman who I pledged to live with till death do us part, even her my mind refused to focus on for a prolonged period of time. Except, it did focus on her, just not conventionally. My mind focused on her unhappiness. It was apparent she was unhappy. You only had to look at her, to see the slight wrinkles that made her seem older, to glance upon the dim brown eyes that had once been full of light, life, whimsy, to tell.  I had to rise higher up the corporate totem pole if I wanted to see her smile with any regularity. It was something I wanted with an intense certainty. I would rise up the corporate ladder, but to do so I would have to keep my job. I couldn’t provide for my wife, couldn’t keep her happy and well fed if I was out of a job or broke. So I had to survive the inevitable purge that Playtime being bought out would bring. It was the only way, there was no other option. A lesser man might have thought himself a fool for obsessing over a singular goal, but I wasn’t a lesser man. I was an ambitious man, I was the man who had kept things together with sheer willpower when things had fallen apart, when Jared had been outed as a tinker. I was a man who would succeed at the goals I set before myself if given time.

The blissful peace was ended as my phone obnoxiously rang in my pocket. Catherine pushed herself off my shoulder, glaring. I had swiftly pulled the phone out with a practiced ease, thumb ready to flip it open. Her voice had a hard edge to it, “Don’t.”

“It might be important.” It wasn’t a strong argument, and I was split on if it wanted to answer the phone call or not.

She firmly shook her head, dragging a finger across her throat a moment later. “Don’t, Alan.”

I sighed, sliding the phone back in my pocket. “You’re right, Cathy, I can take a break.” An idea popped into my head and a grin slid onto my face as I pulled the phone back out. I ignored my wife’s intense glare at the cellphone. “Hello?”

William’s voice came through from the other end. It was filled with a rushed panic, one that reminded me of when Jared got found out. ”Alan, you need to come into work immediately! The people-“

I cut him off. I couldn’t let him keep talking and rope me into showing up. I shoved aside the preemptive guilt I felt towards my actions and forced my voice into a monotone cadence, “Hello, Doctor Alan Gramme cannot come to the phone right now, but his answering machine is running. He’ll try to get back to you if you leave a message. Please leave a message after the beep.” I made a point not to make a beep sound of any variety and snapped the phone shut.

Catherine smiled at me, perhaps the first genuine smile I had seen all month.

I don’t want that to ever to change.