Fuck.

Now that's an interesting word. It's so simple. Just four little letters. And
right now, no word can better describe the situation I'm in. Because right now,
at this very moment, I am sitting inches away from death, counting down the
seconds until they find me. It feels like it's been hours, but in reality I've
only been trapped here for a few seconds. But this is no way to begin a story.
So I'll start from the beginning, before I got myself into this crazy mess.

I am a spy. My mission is to make sure things run smoothly for my team. I have
to kill snipers and medics, destroy sentries, and stop the bad guys from
reaching my team and turning their soft man-flesh into the human equivalent of
Swiss cheese. And, generally, I do a pretty good job of it. But not this time.

My team is dead. Our former base is now swarming with enemies. And the only one
left is me. They chased me in here, and I hid behind a crate. I'm currently
cloaked, and only have a few seconds remain before it will run out, exposing me.
My revolver is out of ammo, and my knife stands no chance against this many
people. I knew this day would come, but I never thought it would arrive so soon.

Three seconds left. My heart is pounding. Two seconds. I can hear footsteps.
One second. I close my eyes and pray for a swift death. Zero seconds. The watch
goes dead, and my silhouette begins to come into view. They see me. It's over.
An engineer walks over to me.

"Well, well. Looks like we got ourselves a spy."

He takes aim with his shotgun. I'm looking straight down the barrel. It's dark.
I get a whiff of gunpowder. No chance of him missing at this range. No chance
to even move. This is how it ends.

"HA! HAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA!"

I cautiously open my eyes. No gun in my face. The engineer is laughing
uncontrollably. A shadow looms over me, and then a sickening crunch. The
engineer goes silent and his limp body launches across the room. Slowly, I turn
my head to get a look at my savior. What I saw then will be etched into my
memory for the rest of my life.

A man. A very large man, with a bald head and gigantic mitten-covered fists. I
was absolutely speechless. I looked around the room. Corpses were piled up,
dismembered body parts littered the room. He appeared to have no weapon, and
his mittens were soaked with blood.

"Who are you?" I stammered.

He looked at me, and slowly opened his mouth.

"I am a beautiful person."

"I'm not sure what that means, but thank you for saving me."

"Sometimes when I go to the bathroom late at night I poop in my hand to make
less noise. I am the Facetious Fister. I would feed him lettuce because
tomatoes are too big for his mouth. You're dumb as crap!"

And with that, he ran out of the room, never to be seen again. I'll never
forget what he said to me that day, because I have nightmares about it every
time I try to sleep.