Chapter 13: The Light Gleams an Instant

Chapter 13:  The Light Gleams an Instant

I've never been less comfortable standing before my own house.

It's not embarrassment or awkwardness; it's the knowledge that in there are the sisters that were out freezing in the cold because of me.  Because I'm here, staying with them.  I look at this place and think how nice it would be if it went back to being my home, but it's no different for them.  They're as uncomfortable with my presence as I am with theirs now.

I don't have any others options, though.  I open the door and I walk inside, past the den and into the kitchen.  Mom, dad, Cara, Evette, and Tera are all gathered around the table in their usual chairs.  Whatever conversation they might've been having died when I opened the door.  For a moment we all just stare at each other, or in Cara's case at the wall.
Dad claps his hands together and smiles.  "See, honey?  I told you there was nothing to worry about.  No need to call the FERAL hotline."
I'm grateful for the interruption.  I take my seat, nod, and ask "How are Safi and Vee?"

"They'll be fine," mom coldly states.  "It might take a day or two for them to wake back up, but they'll be fine."
My stomach drops even as dad chimes in, "You don't have cold-blooded daughters and not learn a couple spells to treat hypothermia, you know."
There's the grind of wood as Cara pushes back her seat, gets up, and walks out of the room while resolutely away from me.  Evette hesitates for a moment before doing the same.

We all sit around the silent and now emptier table, none of us touching our food.  It's mom who breaks the silence this time.  "Tera, dear, could you wait in your room for a little while?"
She looks up at her mother, confusion and worry clear on her face.  She doesn't know what's going on or why everyone's unhappy.  I couldn't bring myself to explain it to her even if I wanted to.  She grabs her plate when she goes, and then it's just us three.  Dad's expression hardens, as I'm sure mine has already.  Whatever's about to happen we both know that it's going to hurt.

I expected it, but I couldn't have been prepared.  She turns to dad just as the two lines of tears stream from her eyes.  "Just tell me why," she barely makes out as her throat constricts around the words.  Every muscle along my ribcage tightens in sympathy.  She stares at his expression of confusion, swallowing hard.  "Why would you poison him against them?"
"Honey, I'm not-"
"Do you regret it?"  Her eyes fall as she stares at his chest.  "You married me, and you don't want him to make the same mistake - is that it?"

He takes her by the hand and pulls her upward.  "Come here."  He's gentle, but forceful as he pulls her from the room.  I think I understand, though I'd rather not think about it.  Maybe all she needs is to be reminded that he really does care for her.  I don't know.  I don't think he can make things right as long as I'm here, doing what I'm doing.  I don't know how much she's going to fret over my reasons.  I only know why.  She wants her daughters to be happy.

I wait a moment, looking around the empty table, but nothing happens.  I finally scoop some of the food onto my plate.  It's eggs and bacon today.

My favorite.

---

I've only just started readying myself for school when Lythalia pushes open the remaining half of a door and peers inside.  "Hey," she cautiously starts.
I nod to her, "Hey."
With that she pushes it open and slips inside, watching me from the doorway.  "I was afraid we'd lost you when you disappeared last night.  We looked everywhere before running back to call the FERAL hotline."
I laugh to myself.  "Yeah, I'm sure you did."
She sounds equally hurt and angry when she answers "We were scared, Val.  You disappeared into the woods.  We weren't sure we'd ever see you again."

I stop gathering my things and look back at her.  She's staring at the carpet, one hand holding her wrist in front of her.  "I know."  It takes a second to find what else I want to say, in spite of the simplicity.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't want to worry you, but I didn't have any other options."
She shifts to stand up taller, readying some argument about how I did, but then she just deflates again.  She's as tired of this as I am, apparently.

I can't think of better time to say it, and it looks like she's about to leave, so I might as well.  "You don't have to protect me from my own dreams, either.  I can handle them."
She stops and stares at me, confused.  "You knew?
I nod.
She turns away from me while her eyes stay glued to my face.  "And you're not upset that I was in your dreams?"
I consider this for a moment before releasing a held breath, "No, not really."

When I reach down to grab my backpack I hear the shuffling of footsteps and her hands grab my arm.  I turn to see and feel her plant it square on her chest.  She watches me as the pieces slowly click together in my mind.  They click, and all that comes out is an exasperated "What are you doing?"
She furrows her brow even while holding my hand still.  "It's not sex, is it?  You weren't scared, like you were with Tish, just startled.  That isn't what you were afraid of."  She leans forward, pulling down on me to reach my lips but I jerk away before she can go in for the kiss.
The momentary strangeness can't hold a candle to the shit I've been dealing with for the past few hours, and I'm not about to get into some awkward encounter before I can even get to the school where everyone is spreading weird rumors about me, so I shrug it all off.  "Just get out, I've got some more stuff to grab."

She doesn't get out, though.  Her brow slowly furrows as she disappears deeper into her own thoughts.  She starts talking, and it's as though it is more to herself than to me.  "You always pull away, even though it's not sexual or binding.  You ran from Tish when she was leaning forward, too.  And on the park bench."  Her eyes slowly start to refocus on me, but at the same time her expression slowly collapses with some unnameable sorrow.  "You're afraid of kissing."

"Oh for all of the stupid- what have I told you about trying to figure things out?  You're wrong - you've always been wrong and you'll always be wrong and I'm tired of-"
She doesn't give me a chance to finish my fun rant.  It dies just as soon as her voice catches in her throat.  "Did- did I do this?"  She suddenly seems so much smaller as she stares upward at me, ashamed of something-or-other.
Whatever joviality there was in my voice before is gone now.  "Do what?"
"Your fear.  When we were young, I was thoughtless and- and I thought that if I could just give you a kiss that you'd really enjoy it, and it would be a kind act.  I had no idea that you'd hate me for it.  It was months before you even talked to me again."  Her lips shake as her eyes start to water.  Her neck and shoulders slump under the sudden weight of her guilt.  "I thought that was it, that you'd just be angry at me, but it wasn't, was it?  I did this.  I made you scared of mamono, and you've never known pleasure because of me."

For fuck's sake, Lythalia.
I'm done.  I'm done with her being wrong.
I grab her by the shoulders and I shove my tongue down her throat.

Regret sets in immediately.  I pull back before she can start to reciprocate, or before I have to linger on the squishy, unpleasant sensation.  She's left staring blankly at the air, one hand slowly raised to her mouth.  At the very least, I think I finally got her to stop coming up with her theories.
The smile slowly starts to creep across her face as she leans forward again, going in for seconds.  I've still got a hand on her shoulder, though, so she doesn't get anywhere.  Her eyes refocus and her smile fades, though not completely.  She shakes her head once, "I don't understand."

"You're wrong.  You've been wrong about damn near everything.  I just had to show you that."
"But you're not upset."
"Nope."
She slowly continues, "And you're still not interested in us."
"Nope.  It's not your fault.  It's not anyone's fault.  It's just the way I am."
She slowly starts to nod.  "Okay."

I let go of her for shoulder.  For a moment nothing happens except her blush starting to return and her breathing getting heavier.  Finally she takes a step back and nods her head to the door, "I'm gonna go, uh, pray."
I nod.
She slowly walks out, stopping only to peer in past the broken door and offer "You're free to join me, if you'd like."
"Nah, I'm good."
She turns and leaves.

For the first time, I think we're fine with each other.  A smile creeps its way across my face at the idea that maybe I've made things right with just one of my sisters.

It goes away as the first moan drifts out from the hallway.

---

Mom is once again resting on the couch, ready to intercept anyone heading out toward school.  Her eyes are red and puffy, but she looks at least somewhat less troubled than she did before.  I guess dad managed to calm her down some.  She lights up as she sees me heading toward the door, "Shiny, hey, come over here and say goodbye before you go."  The fake cheerfulness only serves to make the tight-chested discomfort from this morning return.  Still, I can't bring myself to say no.

The grip of coils around me used to be comforting.  It used to mean that I was resting in bed with my sisters, or before that, that I was being held by my mother or Vee when I was really young.  When I was a little bastard they'd keep me from running around and breaking things by holding me.  Now, though, it's just uncomfortable.  It's all become uncomfortable for me.  I think she can sense this, judging by how loose her grip is now.

"So you had a lot of us worried this morning."
That's a diplomatic way of putting it.  "Yeah, well, I just hid until the sun came back out.  Nothing else to do."
She hums in affirmation, "Of course, you couldn't let yourself cheat on your girlfriend."
"Who?"

Her eyes hone in on mine a full second before the realization hits me.
My fictional human girlfriend.
Dammit.

I have nothing but my own stress, exhaustion, and the confusing mess of the last twelve hours to blame.  That, and the fact that I lied to begin with.  Still, I can't help but be bitter as she slowly takes a breath to say something.  Instead of a question or some speech, all I get is a single, disappointed syllable.  "Val."  I curse her proficiency in levying shame as my gut promptly ties itself into a knot at her command.  I look vaguely toward her face to see that she looks no less hurt than I am, and that only makes the feeling redouble.

"Why would you lie about that?"  I have a dozen answers to that, but I don't want to list a damn one of them.  "Poor Safiya cried for a half an hour when you told her you were going out with some human girl.  And Evette's terrified that she's going to lose you.  And Vinata!  She's so caught up trying to figure out what to do that she's all but locked herself away."
She pauses, waiting for something.  I don't know what.  I don't have anything I can say.
"Val, they're lonely, and they love you.  They love you and you're hurting them."
"I know," I manage to croak.

I'm stuck in another awkward pause, bitterly wondering if I'm going to be late because of all of this.  It doesn't last long, though.  "I want you to do something - if not for me, then for them.  I know it's scary for boys - you're worried you'll lose something.  Freedom or happiness or- or I don't know what.  But it isn't.  You just need to stop running, all right?"  I look back to her again, now out of sheer confusion.  Klaxons blare in my head as my heart quickens.  Her expression is one of kind, gentle appeasement, barely masking the worry underneath.  A hand reaches back and strokes my cheek as she offers, "It won't be scary for long, you'll see.  Thousands of boys have gone through the same and they'll tell you that they're happier because of it."

She continues, building up steam as she comes to some ineffable conclusion.  "Tonight, just relax and let everything be, okay?"  She half-laughs, again betraying the concern under her smile.  "It'll be over in a heartbeat - boys don't last that long the first time - and then you'll be so glad that it happened."
The last piece clicks on my head.
She's telling me to let myself be raped.
I'm almost more surprised by my own reaction.  She continues talking, telling me about how natural it all is, but I'm barely there anymore.  It all seems like it's happening from far away; it's like I'm seeing the things that are happening to my body from a distance.  I'm in her coils, but at the same time I'm separated by a vast gulf from my own skin.  My body moves, and I can see her smile turn genuine and peaceful as her coils hold me tight.  All over there.  All distant.

I'd smile if my face wasn't so far away.   It's just so peaceful here.

And then it's over.  She's done, smiling happily down at me, unaware of how I'd been absent even as I nodded my head.  She's uncoiling, letting me go.  I'm not sure how it is that I'm walking as it feels like everything beneath the skin is empty air.  The sense of hollowness persists even as I leave the door and walk.

---

I'm in front of my school now, though I barely remember walking here.  People are staring at me, whispering to their friends if they're in a group and silently maneuvering away from me if they aren't.  It's fine, though.  Everything's fine.

The doors open.  The doors close.  I pass through the halls like a cloud floating through the sky.  I'd swear it was the wind moving me before I'd think it was my own feet.  Habit takes me from hallway to locker to door in front of my classroom as I swim through the sea of cold stares and hushed voices.  I'd smile if I felt I had the strength to move my lips.

And then someone says my name, but strangely.  It's wrong and confusing, and forces me to refocus, just for a second.
"I repeat, would mister Val Trevor please report to the principal's office."
I finally, slowly turn to the radio that made that weird noise.  And then I laugh, startling the Harpy that was standing closest to me.  Of course I'd have to see her.  I turn and I walk, and everything's fine.

I'm standing in front of the desk, behind which is a very concerned-looking succubus.  It started when I walked in, and she immediately let out a long, weary "Oh dear."  That was three seconds ago, and she hasn't gotten any less concerned since.
She takes a breath to say something, but then just releases it again.  She turns away, then turns back.  She purses her lips with thought.  After that, she finally talks.  "Mister Trevor - Val - when was the last time you were with miss Green?"

The question actually takes me by surprise, and for a moment I actually have to focus my thoughts.  I immediately wish I hadn't, though.  Without the hazy, absent confusion to smother it, the stress of having to deal with a succubus that has authority over me immediately returns.  That doesn't help me think, either.  "I don't know.  A few days, I guess?"
This only makes her frown in confusion.  She again tries to say something, only to stop and retreat back into her own thoughts.  Finally, she takes off her glasses and rests a hand to her cheek as she leans back.  "Val, I want you to help me figure something out.  Has miss Green been trying to break you?"

I thought I had to focus my thoughts to puzzle through the last question.  I was wrong.  The fog that's been hanging over my mind disappears completely as I try to figure out where that came from.  In the end, the only thing I can think of is "What?"
She lifts a finger to tap her cheek, "I know a scar from a love-bite when I see one, and you can see it in a boy's eyes when he's starting to, well, 'lose the battle,' let's say."
I nod, following her thoughts as well as I can.
She frowns further, but it's not in thought anymore.  "I never like seeing it, believe it or not.  There's just something distasteful about that sort of thing.  Inelegant.  Men are unhappy, lustful, and crushingly lonely creatures - if you have to resort to breaking them to make them love you then I think that says something terribly depressing about your likability."

She takes a deep breath and lets it out with a short puff, as though to punctuate her thought.  "Well, I suppose it's not my place to delve into your personal life."  She leans forward, placing her chest squarely upon her desk.  "Mister Trevor, there's something of a pernicious rumor floating around school.  Now, while normally I'd ignore such a thing, it is causing a great deal of distress and concern among your peers.  While I know that it's not you're fault, I'm going to have to ask that you disappear for a little while until this whole situation settles down.  If needed, we can have you transferred to a nearby school; your commute shouldn't be much longer at all, and this will only be temporary."

I nod again.  The feeling that I'm being dragged along is only getting worse, but at the same time it feels like my feet are back under me, at least.  "Is that all?"
She almost jumps at the response, but then stares at me thoughtfully again.  She finally nods and gestures vaguely toward the door, "Yes, that will be all.  We'll call your house - and miss Green's house - in a few days' time."
I don't bother asking why.  The confusion threatens to return as I get up and head out, but I shrug it off.  I'm getting out of here.  I'm done.  There's nothing else I need to do.

I grimace as I remember that there's one thing I need to do.

I made a promise.