Confession

I fuck up. A lot.
Most time it's slightly on purpose.
There's something I never told you about, and consequently there are a lot of things you don't know about me.
Back in 2011 I found sth out, that has to do with my parents. It's fucked up, and it fucked me up ever since.
That was 6 years ago, when my dpd started. I know very well why the fuck I have it but I tell whoever asks me that I don't. Specially my mother. Mind you, she's the main reason, but I can't confront her. It would be in vain anyway.
The thing is, ever since, I just had a persistent feeling that I wanna fuck myself up in revenge. All the things I did to do that, I never told either of my parents about of course, but with every wrong thing I do, I feel like I'm getting back at them.
I'm usually not scared of them finding out because if they do, I'll finally confront them with what I know and maybe then I'll have some peace of mind. But also, I don't want them to find out because I enjoy some of these things and I don't want them to stop.
You're one of these things. I know they'd disapprove of many of the things that are included in our relationship.
I know you wanna know what the fuck happened in 2011, but I won't tell you. It's not about me, so you don't have to know. Plus I don't want you judging my parents, that's not your job.
But it's the reason why I never got in a relationship, I never bothered, and kinda wasn't convinced.
TBH, everything I believe in was shaken to the core. I even started questioning if there was a God at that period.
The thing is, they used to make "private" jokes about it in front of me, thinking I don't understand but I knew everything.
And it's like I was demoralized. I just stopped thinking of right and wrong, bad or good. I never calculated my actions.
But then you came along, and you were so good, and you talked to me about being in a relationship.
It's not like you're the first guy, but for some reason I just couldn't turn you down. I really really liked you.
And I'm sorry for you, that I felt we connected and clicked so much.
But most of the time, I feel like you're way too pure on the inside for me.
You have firm beliefs and principles, I can tell you were raised really well.
I can't say my parents didn't raise me well, they didn't even tell me about this thing I'm telling you about, I found out on my own 'cause I stick my nose in everything.
For example, I lied to you, I haven't stopped watching porn. At some point I told you I haven't watched porn since we got into a relationship, that was true, but afterwards I went back.
Sometimes I feel like sleeping and orgasming are the only 2 things that help me forget everything for a while.
To be frank at first I thought I liked you so much because you were more stimulating than porn, which is true, but it's not the main reason I like you.
I told you a lot why I love you, but really, the biggest reason is how pure you are.
You always say you think you're a worse person than I am, probably because you drink/smoke. But I never feel like you're a bad person.
I can tell you have morals, and I must confess I don't.
I tried for you though, I really did.
You asked me not to watch porn and it wasn't a struggle in the beginning, but then I felt I wanted to, and I didn't hesitate.
It's just I got used to not calculating the stuff I do, and doing whatever pops up in my mind if I feel like I want to, and I make sure nobody finds out.
Sometimes I do things just for the thrill of it, like the whole thing with stealing cigs.
But I never cheated on you, and tbh it's not because I'm a good person, but I just would never do that to you.
I might be a shitty person, but I try my best not to let it affect you.
But sometimes I get so tired of trying. And I'm so scared of losing you.
I'm an absolute prick because I know how shitty I am but I played saint and sometimes told you how you should act or what you should do
And I suck cause I knew this from the very beginning, but I really thought I could become a better person
And I know I'm a selfish asshole for not wanting you to find someone that would be better for you
But I still can't tell you to. If you ever get sick of me tho, I'd understand