...

i dont really know what im writing right now.  i dont know if or where im going to send this.  its 7am, ive been laying in bed for 3 hours with no sleep as usual.  i cant handle these feelings of lonliness anymore.  one night like this is enough to hurt but ive been like this for weeks.

theres so much pain.  theres just nothing but pain and i cant stand it

i dont even mean to be a bad friend to people.  and yet one by one i lose the people i used to call my friends.  its happened so many times now i just dont understand what i can do

everyone tells me i need to make friends.  ive made friends.  ive made so many friends.  in 2 years i have made so many friendships that have all went up into flames.

i dont know if its something ive done wronf.  i dont know if its just shitty luck.  it doesnt really matter though.  the cause doesnt matter if the result is the same.

im so afraid of abandonment.  every time im in a group of people now im scared to death i dont fit in, im going to be left out.

so many people have told me i cant just sit in my room my whole life.  i have to find my people.

where are they

ive been searching

where are they

are they even out there


it always ends the same way.  hours in darkness, waiting to get tired enough to fall asleep.  i cant bear this one more night and yet here i am.  talking to myself.  like always

good thing i cant even see a fucking therapist through my school.  grwat thing theyre overbooked.  even if corona virus didnt happen i wouldnt be able to see anyone after april 17th.

i feel so unbelievably abandoned by everyone.  by the friends i used to have that treated me like shit and fucked my brain to pieces.  by the classmates who gave up on me and left me to die.  by my school which cant spare the cost of staffing a few more therapists to placate the swathes of students withering away.  by teachers who no longer care

im thankful for those who have stuck by my side.  but it can only numb the pain.

i want to feel important.  i want to accomplish something.  i want to have a hobby that fufills me.

no one undersrands why this hurts.  people tell me i have friends.  friends are not what i need.  i have enough people who havent abandoned me

but i have no community.  i am part of nothing.  i am part of literally no community and it fucks me up so much.

it hurts so much to see everyone doing stuff.  i lay in bed.  i lay in bed for roughly 16 hours a day.

why is it so hard to find something to fufill me.  why have the things i have found abandoned me

how on earth am i fucking expected to get up every day and try to build communities around me from the ground up

im scared to fucking death its all going to happen again

how long until what i have now disappears

how long until i do it all again

how do i pretend to think any of this is going to work out when i fall apart inside every night in fear things will collapse like they always do



i was playing customs with pavan, daddy, jame?, like a few days ago.  it was fun.

but i didnt even feel like i was a part of that.

i cant explain it.  imposter sydrome?  i felt like i wasnt there.  i felt like i didnt deserve to be there.  i felt like i had no place there.  around people laughing; doing what they love.

maybe i dont think thats something i deserve anymore

maybe i just mentally distance myself to defend against the next time a hobby of mine collapses.

i dont know



i guess i am posting this.  having written this, it feels pointless otherwise.  its like flipping a coin to decide something.  that moment the coin is in the air, you know what you're hoping for.

i know what im hoping for.

this isnt a cry for help.  i dont want advice.  i dont want someone to console me

i guess i just want recognition.  i guess i just want relief from feeling sadness alone; feeling locked in my own head.  i just want someone to have listened

there is no pain worse than watching the happiness of those around you from the sidelines