Edgy Time in Canterlot, Part 1

>It took years of lurking, but you finally found it!
>The fabled darknet site, "Portal to Equestria".
>It loads quickly in plain html:
>A plain button at the center, with the words "Click to Enter"
>And a warning in a tiny red font below it:
>"Abandon hope all ye who enter here"
>You chuckle to yourself softly.
>After all the trouble finding this place,
>Some oldfag thought that plaintext could stop you now.
>You move your pointer over the button without hesitation and click.
>And the moment you do so, you feel something soft and fluffy grab you from behind.
"Who the fu-"
>"Gotcha!"

---

>You awaken to the sound of high-pitched screams.
"What in the seven hells-"
>You sit yourself up and rub your head painfully.
>Did you fall asleep with the TV on again?
>"A monster! There's a monster on the loose!"
>"Call the Royal Guard! Call the Princesses!"
>"The children! Won't somepony think of the children!"
"..."
>Yep, you really need to stop watching all these horror flicks on cable.
>With a large yawn, you stand up and start stretching absent-mindedly.
>"Aiiiieeee! Those fangs! It will devour us all!"
>"Or worse! Run for your lives! Everypony for himself!"
>"But what about the children? Won't anypony save the children!?"
"Fuck this shit," you growl. "I should have gotten a better data plan instead."
>You lazily feel for the TV remote, but you can't find it.
>Yawning once more, you open your eyes fully to see where it went.
"... what the-"
>You blink at a single gray hoof thing where your right arm should be.
>As you stare at it, some strange black fluid drips down to the ground.
>It starts moving on its own until it bumps into a bright ray of light.
>With a hiss, it recoils and retreats quickly under your shadow.
"Well, that was weird."

---

>Ten minutes later, you finally realize that something is very very wrong.
>You stare blankly at your reflection in the central fountain.
>Even through the moving water, you realize a couple of things.
>First, you are no longer human. Not even close.
>You "seem" to be some kind of earth pony, with some differences
>Dark-gray coat and body that continuously drips black ooze
>Jet black mane and tail that seem to be moving like little squid tentacles
>Two huge, blank, soul-less eyes that seem to sink into the eternal darkness
>Second, you are wearing a long, creepy trenchcoat and fedora on your head.
>And some reason, every time you try to remove them,
>They just reform on your person, as if they were a part of your body.
"..."
>After you recover from the initial shock,
>You do the first thing any nor/mlp/erson would do:
"FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!"
>Your primal cry shakes the very ground around you.
>Twisting vines and black tentacles start sprouting from the cracks.
>You stop screaming soon after, but it is too late.
>The whole area is now infested with thick overgrowth.
>It doesn't take much thinking to realize that you are the cause.
"Ah, shit..."
>Well, things can't get any worse now, could they?

---

>"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!"
>You look up to see yourself surrounded in all directions by the Royal Guard.
>Heavily armed earth ponies block every road and alley.
>Unicorns aim their horns at you from every rooftop.
>Pegasi wielding spears fly warily in a circular formation from above.
"Well, this escalated quickly," you mumble.
>The bright sun reflects painfully from all the armor.
>You squint a bit at them and frown.
>But to the ponies around you, this comes off as a menacing sneer and a snarl.
>Several of them step back fearfully.
"Uhm... hi?"
>An older, bearded pegasi flies down and lands in front of you.
>He seems to wearing a different uniform. Probably higher ranked.
>"NOBODY BREAKS THE LAW ON OUR WATCH!" he cries.
>You frown hard at him.
>He gasps and takes a half-step back.
"Exactly what law am I breaking, officer?"
>Gathering his courage, he grits his teeth and stands his ground.
>"Causing a public disturbance, destruction of public and private property..."
>He swallows nervously before finishing his sentence.
>"A-And suspected use of forbidden magic within the city of Canterlot!"
"Oh, right."
>This is probably not going to end well for you.

---

>You pause to think about your situation.
>Option 1: Try to talk your way out of this
>Option 2: Try to force your way out and escape
"..."
>Ah, screw it.
>Option 1 likely won't work, considering how monstrous your form is.
>Option 2 could work, but you have no idea HOW to use your monstrous form.
>At this point, both options will likely get yourself killed.
>So instead of being stupid, let's try the little known Option 3 instead.
>Very slowly, you raise your hooves in the air.
"Don't attack," you say. "I surrender."
>"W-We will not hesitate to use deadly force to-"
>The lead pony blinks in surprise.
>"Wait, what?"
"I said that I surrender."
>Fuck your default protagonist options.
>You're not getting killed 5 minutes into this shitty game.
"I'll come peacefully," you add.
>For a moment, silence fills the place.
>The Royal Guard seems completely dumbfounded at your reaction.
>Then, the lead pony collects himself and clears his throat.
>"V-Very well then," he says. "Before we take you in, I shall read out your rights."
>The bearded pony pulls out a scroll and starts listing them out.
>You sigh in relief, only half-listening.
>Looks like you've bought yourself some time.
>If you're lucky, you can try explaining yourself at the trial.
>Hell, maybe they'll let you off with community service if you behave.
>That is, until you hear a high-pitched scream from one of the nearby buildings.
>"AAIIEEE!!!"

---

>A young mare is suddenly pulled out from one of the windows by a thick vine-tentacle.
>It looks like one of the vine-tentacles that sprouted earlier.
>One of YOUR vine-tentacles, you remind yourself.
"You have gotta be kidding me..."
>The vine-tentacle slowly wraps along the contours of her body.
>She starts squeaking nervously as it starts probing at her nethers.
>You plant your hoof upon your face, hard.
"Really? Oh this is just horseshit..."
>Congratulations - you are now the proud owner of tentacle beasts in Equestria!
>What the hell, man? I mean, this isn't even your fetish!
>Well, not yet anyway.
"..."
>But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
>Gotta try to get things under control.
>You look up and stare directly at the vine-tentacle.
"Stop!" you cry out.
>Immediately, the creature stops moving.
>The mare whimpers, as the vine almost poked its tip between her legs.
>That was a close one. Far too close.
"Now put the mare down slowly!" you command.
>The vine-tentacle pauses for just a moment,
>As if it was asking, "Are you sure?",
>Before it slowly puts the mare down safely on the ground.
"So sorry about that, Miss..."
>The mare stares into your eyes in disbelief and terror,
>Before she raises a hoof to her head and faints on the spot.

---

"Alright, then."
>You look around to see that the Royal Guard was not at all impressed with the display.
>In fact, you can almost smell the terror and disgust in the air.
>The lead pony snarls and draws his sword.
>"H-how despicable!" he cries. "Using innocent mares for your own sick amusement!"
"T-This isn't what it looks like!"
>Though technically, this is probably exactly what it looks like.
>You turn back to the vine-tentacle and grumble.
>Stupid shadow beasts born from the eternal darkness!
>Always trying to rape things and not behaving like good pets!
>"H-how many more ponies will you violate before you are satisfied!?"
>You lower your forelegs and shake your head.
"No, you don't understand! It was just-"
>Unfortunately, while to you, you just got back on your four legs,
>The rest of the Royal Guard saw this as a monster preparing to strike.
>"He's trying to escape!"
>"Use your strongest spells!"
>"Blast him! Blast him! Blast him!"
>Several magic bolts fly from several directions hit you in the leg.
"Ouch! What the hell, that hurts!"
>You take a step back and glance at your leg.
>Five, six, seven holes, you count.
>That magic cut right through your flesh like butter.
>And as you wonder idly why this isn't hurting as much as you'd think it would,
>Black ooze seeps from your flesh into the wounds,
>Quickly regenerating your flesh in mere seconds.
>For the very first time since you woke up, you find yourself smiling.
"Now that's pretty cool," you remark.

---

>Gaining a bit of confidence from your newly discovered regenerative powers,
>You clear your throat and try to talk yourself out of this (Option 1).
"I mean you no harm!"
>You force your best smile and raise a foreleg to address the Royal Guard,
>However, they only step back and tremble at the gesture.
>They watch in disgust as more black ooze seeps from your hoof,
>And they shake in fear at your sharp-toothed grin.
"So can't we just all-"
>"M-Monster! I-It's a Monster!"
>"A fiend among fiends! A creature beyond Tartarus!"
>"Destroy it! We must destroy it before it devours us all!"
"-get along?"
>You sigh and shake your head as the Royal Guard prepares to attack once more.
>This time, the Pegasi lead the charge by throwing their spears from above.
>Before you have the time to react,
>Dozens of lances rain from the sky,
>Impaling you instantly.
>You roar out in pain.
"Argh! What the fuck!? That really hurts!"
>As you spew out more obscenities, the rest of the Royal Guard closes in.
>You struggle to get yourself free, but it is futile.
>The Unicorns keep shooting more magic blasts to keep you from fully regenerating.
>And from the side of your eye, you see the Earth ponies approach with heavy weapons.
"D-Dammit all..."
>They look like they're going to keep attacking until you stop moving.
>And it's probably going to work - you feel yourself losing strength already.
>Looks like escape is out of the question, too (Option 2).
>Monstrous form or not, you clearly aren't immortal.
>As the Royal Guard prepares to finish you off,
>You close your eyes and stop struggling.
"It's useless," you mutter regretfully. "It's all useless!"

---

>What a shitty way to die - killed by background ponies.
>To think that you didn't even get a chance to meet your favorite pony.
>You try to come up with some cool death quote,
>But in the end, you just whisper bitterly,
"You're all fucking faggots."
>The Royal Guard closes in for the coup de grace.
>And with that, you prepare to breath your last.
>"STOP! ALL OF YOU!"
>A loud commanding voice is heard from high above.
"..."
>The sound of hoofsteps and armor stop abruptly,
>And so does the assault of spears and magic.
>Slowly, you regain enough strength to open your eyes.
"Huh?"
>Princess Celestia flies down gracefully from the sky and lands.
>The Royal Guard immediately steps back as she approaches you.
>"..."
"..."
>Her gaze meets yours. You are unable to read her expression.
>Then slowly, she lowers her horn. It glows as she casts her magic.
>You feel a faint, warm sensation around your body.
>And very gently, she pulls out the largest spear from your body.
"Wut?"
>The rest of the Royal Guard look equally confused.
>Without a word, the Princess simply proceeds with her work.
>And as she removes the last spear, the lead pony finally cries out.
>"W-What are you doing, Princess?"
>She turns to the Royal Guard and speaks calmly.
>"Your work is done here," she says. "Return to your regular duties."
>"B-But we almost had him!" says the lead pony. "W-We can't just-"
>Princess Celestia narrows her eyes ever so slightly,
>But that is more than enough for the lead pony to fall silent.
>"Your work is done here," she repeats sternly.
>"O-Of course, Princess..."

---

>You suddenly find yourself in the throne room of the Royal Castle.
>Princess Celestia sits upon her chair and stares at you thoughtfully.
>She has that same unreadable expression from before.
"Umm..."
>Then, she turns to her personal guards.
>"Leave us," she says. "I'd like to speak in private."
>With a salute, the remaining guards leave the room and close the doors behind them.
>You are now alone in the room with Princess Celestia.
"Err..."
>So many questions to ask. Where do you start?
>What's going to happen now? Will they perform weird experiments on you?
>Is it even your turn to speak? Are you going to end up in a rape dungeon?
>Your brain is unable to come up with anything appropriate to say.
>Thankfully, the Princess breaks the silence.
>"First of all," she says. "I would like to apologize."
"Apologize?"
>"The Royal Guard only meant to protect the citizens of Canterlot."
>She sighs and shakes her head.
>"They knew not what they were doing. I hope you can forgive them."
"Forgive them?"
>After they almost killed you!?
>"In due time, of course."
"..."
>"But for now, it is best that you rest and recover your strength."
>"We have prepared a warm meal and a guest room for you."
>"You can stay here in the castle for the night."
>Wait, what? You stare at her in disbelief.
>She sounds sincere, but you can't help but ask,
"But why?"
>The Alicorn Princess smiles sadly and shakes her head.
>"There will be time to explain in the morning,"
>"Go now and rest. You are safe now."

---

>As promised, you find a fully furnished guest room prepared for you.
>And you immediately find yourself drawn towards a delicious smell.
>Upon a nearby table is a tray of food:
>A salad of fresh garden greens and salad,
>Some kind of pasta cooked in olive oil,
>And a thin slice of rich chocolate cake.
"Mmm..."
>After you finish your first meal in Canterlot,
>You realize how tired you are from today's ordeal.
>Without hesitation, you plop down on the bed and pass out.
>And as you lose consciousness,
>You hear a faint whisper,
>"Thank you."
"...zzz."