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Dropman

Pon15 Aug 28th, 2019 (edited) 34 Never
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  1. >>240289
  2. >Your nukes are armed and ready, and your ship packed to the brim with disposable clones of the ideal soldier, Chad.
  3. >You casually tap the launch codes into the console, pinkie resting on the enter key that will raze this primitive civilization.
  4. >You need to piss.
  5. >Your ship has a bathroom of course, but it's designed for zero-gravity and you don't really want to get your wiener sucked any more than you have to.
  6. >You whistle as you deploy the various instruments that will determine if the outside is safe.
  7. >Pressure: 1.0 atm.
  8. >Oxygen availability: sufficient.
  9. >Pathological load: still calculating.
  10. >You skim the twenty plus lines of variables that determine whether or not your dick will burst into flames if you pull it out on the planet surface.
  11. >Pathological load takes a hell of a long time to calculate (as per usual) but you learned not to ignore it after another Dropman came back with half of his body a fine soup.
  12. >It finally comes up in the green, indicating that you're good to go out into the scanned radius of sixty meters.
  13. >The airlock opens with a hiss, letting in some slightly odd-smelling air.
  14. >Scans probably indicated a higher percentage of something or other.
  15. >You stretch out with a crack, sighing as you can finally get some open space after two weeks in that cramped can.
  16. >Pulling out your dick, you begin to let loose on some nearby plants which somewhat resemble ferns.
  17. >You let out a loud moan, shaking your player two a few times before putting him safely back in your pants.
  18. >"Hello."
  19. >You jump, spinning around to see a purple unicorn with two large feathery wings.
  20. "Oh, hey. What are you doing here?"
  21. >"I'm not sure, the map just told me that there was a problem over here. What... are you?"
  22. "I was just about to ask you the same, but unfortunately I have important business to take care of."
  23. >"What sort?"
  24. "Classified."
  25. >"I think I have more than enough authority to know what's going on here. Do you know who you're talking to?"
  26. >You look her up and down.
  27. "No, I've never seen you before in my fucking life."
  28. >"Then allow me to introduce myself. I am [i]Princess[/i] Twilight Sparkle, now state your business here or I will be forced to extricate you and your metal bird from this land for the security of friendship."
  29. >You laugh. With the power of your nukes you didn't think you would need to use the clones.
  30. >You discretely press a button on the side of your suit, opening a hatch.
  31. >Another button press later, and 300 plasma rifles are trained upon the unicorn.
  32. "You and what-"
  33. >Before you can even finish, a white-hot beam has cut fifty of your troops in half.
  34. >The rest open fire on the unicorn, but she grins coldly and the air around her shimmers; absorbing the bolts.
  35. >After about 1200 rounds have been loosed into her barrier, it twists itself into an inverse cone and vaporizes the entirety of your remaining forces.
  36. >Just before everything goes black, you manage to fumble your transponder out and mash the panic button.
  37. >...
  38. >It's dark.
  39. >You're on your back.
  40. >You try to raise your arms, but you feel restraints.
  41. >Your legs too are restrained.
  42. >You scream profanities.
  43. >They go unanswered.
  44. >You start to count the seconds in your head.
  45. >You do not lose track.
  46. >After 21629 of them, you hear a voice near you.
  47. >You recognize it, and shrink back away from it as much as you can.
  48. >"Your... transportation device is impervious to my cutting spells. What is it made of?"
  49. "Release me and I'll tell you."
  50. >"You tried to kill me, and if I were anypony else you probably would've succeeded."
  51. "Wanna fucking bet I can't still do it?"
  52. >The lights come on and you squint, accustomed to the darkness.
  53. >"I must say, you're not all that diplomatic. Makes me wonder what exactly you were planning on doing with all of those other apes."
  54. "I'm a human, you fucktard."
  55. >She ignores you.
  56. >"I don't think you deserve what I'm about to offer you, but I'll offer it anyways. You can tell me what you were doing on this planet, let me confiscate every weapon you have with you, and I'll let you go crawling back to whatever shithole you came from."
  57. >You make a rather wet sound, gathering phlegm before spitting it in her face.
  58. >It sticks and slides down her horn, an amusing sight considering how many projectiles she countered earlier.
  59. >"So, option b it is."
  60. "And what would that be? Killing me would be ill-advised."
  61. >She shrugs and her horn begins to glow, the energy of whatever she's doing with it singing the spit and vaporizing it.
  62. >You start to feel uneasy for the first time in years, truth be told you never have seen anything like her.
  63. >You have no idea what she's capable of, but if she wanted to kill you she could've easily done so a while ago.
  64. "Hey..."
  65. >Fuck, you can't remember her name.
  66. "...Purple. What are you doing there?"
  67. >The hint of a smile shows up on her muzzle.
  68. >"Classified."
  69. >The room begins to darken, a look around suggests that it's being pulled in.
  70. >You struggle against your restraints again, wondering if you had missed something.
  71. >The lamp is still on, but almost no light remains in the room.
  72. >You scream for help at the top of your lungs.
  73. >The light is gone.
  74. Even the horn itself, which you look for a light source, has snuffed out.
  75. >Nothing happens for a few seconds, the pounding of your heart audible over the dull hum of Purple's horn.
  76. >Then even that is gone.
  77. >All at once, every single nerve ending you possess lights up like Clark Griswold's house in Christmas Vacation.
  78. >You can feel your vocal chords vibrating in your neck, but you hear no scream.
  79. >You begin to violently convulse, whatever the horse put into you being equivalent to grabbing a substation coil with both hands.
  80. >Surprisingly, your restraints loosen over time.
  81. >You'll have to take advantage of that in a bit.
  82. >You vomit off to the side.
  83. >And just as suddenly as the pain began, it's over.
  84. >You try to dive off to the side and bolt, but only really succeed in twitching.
  85. >Your vision comes back just in time to see that your physical restraints have been replaced with energy-based ones.
  86. >Your hearing comes back just in time for you to hear d'awwing.
  87. "Cut that shit-"
  88. >You clap a hand over you mouth.
  89. >Oh dear fucking lord, that's no hand.
  90. >Sweet Satan, that's not your voice.
  91. >Purple holds up a small mirror to you.
  92. >The face that greets you is not that of a chiseled astronaut that has spent the last twenty years venturing into the cosmos to find areas for mining outposts, but that of a slightly pudgy, floppy-eared, very distraught looking green horse.
  93. >Fucking shitbricks, that's you.
  94. >"You don't like it, do you?"
  95. "Of course I don't fucking like it, change me back or I'm going to have you all nuked."
  96. >"I don't even know what that is, but it sounds like a threat."
  97. >You're pulled out of the bed, legs squirming in vain trying to get in contact with something.
  98. >Her head is next to your ear.
  99. >"Good little fillies don't threaten their Princesses."
  100. "The fuck are you on about you cun-"
  101. >Before you can say anything else, there's a hoof over your back lightning fast, holding you down to the bed.
  102. >You can feel what you assume to be a tail get lifted out of the way of your buttocks, though to be honest you've avoided looking down there in fear that this whole process would do something to your second mate.
  103. >You look up at her, confused.
  104. >She seems to be considering something.
  105. >"I don't even have a name for you yet, and I'm about to punish you... what are you called where you're from?"
  106. >Punishment isn't ideal, better cooperate.
  107. "Anonymous."
  108. >"What a nice name, wasted on such a piece of shit filly."
  109. >You're not a filly, you're a man.
  110. >Fuck her.
  111. >"Well, no sense stalling this. Pick a number between one and ten."
  112. "Five."
  113. >"Huh, I was thinking of that number exactly. That means you win."
  114. >Something deep inside of you perks up, like this horse that just demonstrated her love of the art of sadism would do something nice for you.
  115. >You try to maintain a neutral voice.
  116. "What do I win?"
  117. >"Well, I was going to tan your ass red with my hoof if you didn't get it right, but now..."
  118. >A popping sound that you assume was displaced air resonates, and suddenly there's a big fucking paddle levitating in the air.
  119. >It even has holes in it to reduce drag.
  120. >You see her reach up, her hoof sticking to it like glue.
  121. >"Ready?"
  122. "God dammit you gay fucking hors- AAAAA!"
  123. >The wood hits you so hard that you're honestly worried about splinters.
  124. >"Well, I was only going to give you five, but now I think I'll have to up that to say... thirty? I think thirty is a good number for rude little fillies."
  125. "You bitch I'll have your-"
  126. >"Sixty."
  127. "I..."
  128. >"You want seventy?"
  129. "No..."
  130. >"That's what I thought. Now hold still, this'll be over soon..."
  131. >At ten you're clenching your teeth to deal with the pain.
  132. >At twenty tears have begun to leak from your eyes.
  133. >At thirty you're having to hold back sniffles.
  134. >At forty you're dripping mucous all over everything.
  135. >At fifty, you've started sniffling.
  136. >At sixty, you're letting out choked sobs.
  137. >And by the time the sixty-fifth paddle strike rolls around, you're crying for real.
  138. >The feeling of crying itself makes you feel terrible as well; after all, a man should only cry when he loses his father and when he loses his country.
  139. >You reach back to feel your throbbing ass, but accidentally feel something else as well.
  140. >OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SHE TOOK YOUR DICK.
  141. >At this realization, your crying begins to incorporate a good bit of screaming.
  142. >Then... something surprising happens.
  143. >You're lifted off of the bed, and two soft appendages wrap around you.
  144. >You look up into Purple's eyes, still very peeved and sad; but mostly just confused now.
  145. >"These are my hooves, Anonymous."
  146. >"If you're a bad filly, they can bring you pain. I can guarantee you that I can easily make your life a living hell for what you were probably trying to do to my land.
  147. >"But... if you're a good filly, they can bring you joy. Maybe even love. I wasn't even entirely sure what you would become when I readied that spell, but it would appear that it takes influence heavily from the user's mind. I... have always wanted a little filly."
  148. >You look down, this whole situation feels so incredibly strange.
  149. >"Girls, you can come in now. Thank you for your help."
  150. >All at once, five other horses come through the door and introduce themselves.
  151. >A bombastic nutcase named Pinkie Pie seems especially excited to see you, while a Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash simply give you cold stares and only introduce themselves when the pony who's name you are reminded is Twilight Sparkle directs them to.
  152. >A yellow pony with a pink mane stands out in the way that she says nothing at all, but is eventually introduced by Pinkie as Fluttershy.
  153. >Apparently the energy required for this wasn't achievable by a single midget horse.
  154. >You hear something about elements of something in the ADD on Cocaine chatterboxing of Pinkie, but that doesn't really make much sense.
  155. >Eventually, everyone but Pinkie and Twilight leaves and the three of you have the room to yourselves.
  156. >Apparently you're going to have some sort of party thrown for you tomorrow, which is sort of cool.
  157. >Though it's probably going to be lame as fuck without any alcohol.
  158. >...
  159. >You lie in bed, staring at the ceiling.
  160. >You were given a generous helping of hay, but your stomach rejected it and you threw it up.
  161. >Twilight took pity on you and ordered a pizza, saying that it would 'just be until you adapt to your new body.'
  162. >There are quite a few books stacked next to your bed, surprisingly printed in English.
  163. >These horses also speak english.
  164. >But the odds of two languages developing the exact same way warp-points apart are...
  165. >It's a non-zero chance, you'll give it that.
  166. >Their bodies appear to be able to harness some sort of energy from the planet's core too, at least the unicorns.
  167. >You've never seen anything like this before in all of your missions, and it honestly terrifies you.
  168. >You'll have to have some of the lab boys dissect one after you force Purple to turn you back.
  169. >See if you can't make some energy weapons that virtually never run out of shots or something.
  170. >You yawn loudly.
  171. >You would've left for your ship already, but you don't know the location relative to your current one.
  172. >You're also not entirely sure if the DNA entry samples you set are still a match.
  173. >Your eyelids droop.
  174. >It's a very comfortable bed, too.
  175. >You'll come up with something tomorrow.
  176. >Putting your head down on the pillow, you soon fall into a deep sleep…
  177. >...
  178. >"Pancakes or waffles?"
  179. >What a strange dream…
  180. >You groggily open your eyes to see Lavendercunt standing before you.
  181. >Fucking…
  182. >Well, no need to turn down a good meal.
  183. "Mmm… waffles."
  184. >She laughs.
  185. >"Not bad taste."
  186. "Just a question, why can we understand each other? Shouldn't that be nearly impossible?"
  187. >"You must've absorbed some of our magic when you landed here."
  188. "That doesn't make any fucking sense, what the hell is this magic you keep going on about?"
  189. >You're sitting in a high-chair at this point, your anger and confusion woke you up rather quickly.
  190. "And can't I sit in a normal chair?"
  191. >Twilight shrugs.
  192. >"Okay."
  193. >You're lifted up with levitation energy and set down in a normal oak wood chair.
  194. >It immediately becomes clear why you were put in the high chair.
  195. "I… think this is too short a chair for me."
  196. >"I'm sorry, what was that?"
  197. "I think this is too short a chair for me."
  198. >"Practice! Say it like a filly, you need to be prepared for school in an hour."
  199. >What
  200. "What."
  201. >"The best way to reform you is to teach you about the wonderful society we have here. I can think of nowhere better than the Equestrian Scholastic System."
  202. "Twilight, I'm an astronaut. I have a masters in mechanical engineering. I've been through more school than most people could even stand."
  203. >"Then zone out during the stuff you already know. Tell me, who won the hundred year wars of Griffonstone?"
  204. "The Griffons?"
  205. >She frowns.
  206. >"Yes, actually. Maybe that was too easy, who founded Equestria?"
  207. >You look her up and down.
  208. >She said she was a princess, but she doesn't look nearly old enough to be a ruler.
  209. >Based on the weight she threw around her title with, it's a pretty big deal.
  210. >...But not the biggest deal.
  211. "The queen?"
  212. >She ruffles your hair.
  213. >"Nice try, I'll pack some of that leftover pizza for your lunch, alright?"
  214. >You groan.
  215. >"Oh, you don't like pizza? I can make you a hay sandwich~"
  216. "Fuck off, Purple."
  217. >"Hmm… that's another thing we need to work on. I don't care what you say around here, but around other fillies you need to be courteous. Let's say… 25 if you mess up and it gets back to me, and a secret reward if you manage to go the whole day without letting any profanities slip?"
  218. "Your basic bitch psychology won't work on me…"
  219. >"Well, that's just a shame. It looks like I'll have to go ahead and give you 30."
  220. >You let out an exasperated sound somewhere in-between a growl and a low moan.
  221. "Put me back in the high chair, give me the waffles, and shut up."
  222. >"That's a good job."
  223. >You internally sigh in relief as you see her put the paddle away."
  224. >You've become a bit too acquainted with it for your liking.
  225. >The waffles are pretty good, not that you'd tell Purple that.
  226. >The time flies by as you're taught how to brush your teeth as a horse, and how saddlebags work.
  227. >You pay attention if for no other sake but convenience.
  228. >Before you know it, Purple is walking you up to the school.
  229. >The topic of magic unfortunately slips to the wayside, you'll have to ask her more about that later.
  230. >She gives you a hug upon arrival, which you begrudgingly return because it would make you look like an asshole in front of the other kids if you didn't.
  231. >Some grey filly sees you and whispers 'momma's girl' in your ear as you walk up to the school building.
  232. >Well, maybe you weren't entirely right. Whatever.
  233. >You talk with the teacher, a horse you find the name of is Cheerilee.
  234. >Might have a first name, but she introduces herself as Ms. Cheerilee.
  235. >She tells you which seat isn't occupied, and you sit in it.
  236. >You look in your bags for something to pass the time and find some printer paper and two ballpoint pens; one blue and one red.
  237. >Excellent, you will call this piece: Bleeding Sky.
  238. >You start going about making the best possible work of art you can.
  239. >It's hard, but after about twenty laborious minutes with hooves you are able to gaze upon your masterpiece.
  240. >...
  241. >It looks like ass.
  242. >You crumple it up and settle for examining your filly bits instead.
  243. >Yep, that's a horse cooter alright.
  244. >You're pretty sure the only reason the grief for the loss of your comrade hasn't set in yet is because you have a chance of getting him back.
  245. >Don't you?
  246. >You snap back into reality with the sound of Cheerilee clearing her throat and notice that about 2/3 of the chairs have been filled.
  247. >No kids are sitting next to you, just in front of and behind you.
  248. >"Good morning class! I expect you all had an excellent weekend?"
  249.  
  250. >A few good childish 'wooh's and 'yeah's.
  251. >"Fantastic. Well now, let's let that be our word of the day."
  252. >She begins to write on the board.
  253. >"F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C, fantastic. Something of great quality, or something that doesn't seem to fit the way we see our world. Twist, can you give me an example of something fantastic?"
  254. >"Mith Cheerilee."
  255. >The retort is so sappy that it makes you physically recoil, but the teacher seems to eat it up.
  256. >"Why thank you twist, anypony else?"
  257. >You raise a leg.
  258. >"Oh yes, that's right. Everypony welcome the newest edition to our class family, Anonymous."
  259. >The other fillies and colts give you a sort of hoof-clap, at least for the most part.
  260. >The horse in front of you, an orange winged filly with a purple mane gives you a cold stare.
  261. >You lower your hoof.
  262. >You were just going to say something autistic about this whole scenario being fantastical in how fucking out of sync it seemed to be with every other planet you'd visited.
  263. >Come to think of it, Cheery probably just saved your image.
  264. >Not that that matters, of course.
  265. >Just a few weeks and you'll have an entire fleet of ships to hostage negotiate you out of here before razing this planet.
  266. >You just need to give this your best effort until then.
  267. >Lessons continue on every uninteresting topic imaginable.
  268. >You wish there was at least a science course, that's what you really want to know about this place.
  269. >Soon enough, it's time for lunch.
  270. >And recess or something, the two seem to be combined.
  271. >You find yourself a nice corner out of sight of the rest of the students and pull out your foil-wrapped pizza slice.
  272. >You'll investigate how pizza developed similarly to your home world later, it's time to chow down.
  273. >A cold hoof rests on your neck.
  274. "Hm? Yeah?"
  275. >You turn around.
  276. >A yellowish pony with a red mane stands behind you.
  277. >Soon after, that orange filly who sits in front of you and a white coated unicorn come up.
  278. "Hey. You all want to sit with me? Plenty of space here, heh…"
  279. >The yellow one speaks:
  280. >"Ah don't want to see your face around here no more."
  281. >The white one pipes up next:
  282. >"My sister told me about you. You came to Equestria to kill us all, didn't you?"
  283. >You look around nervously, there's nobody else in sight from back here.
  284. >You get up and try to bolt, but the avian is faster and pins you down.
  285. >You open your mouth to scream, but the dish towel that your lunch was packed in is shoved in your mouth.
  286. >The remaining filly finally speaks:
  287. >"So it's true."
  288. >A hoof connects with your eye, hard.
  289. >You're rolled over and pinned on your back in the dirt.
  290. >A powerful kick directly to your stomach knocks the wind out of you.
  291. >You pant through your dish towel, before you feel it lifted from your mouth.
  292. "HEL-"
  293. >A kick to the jaw makes you bite your tongue.
  294. >The towel is draped over your muzzle.
  295. >You feel a warm liquid hitting the towel.
  296. >You can't breathe.
  297. >You struggle, but all of your limbs are held down.
  298. >You're going to die here.
  299. >Maybe you deserve to die, you've done a lot of horrible things.
  300. >Just as you've resigned yourself to your fate, the cloth is lifted and you're allowed to gasp for air for a few seconds before your breathing passages are plunged into that piss rag again.
  301. >You scream, but soon discover that the sound of the other fillies playing is much too loud for anybody to heed your cries for mercy.
  302. >Eventually, Ms. Cheerilee calls that lunch has ended.
  303. >The orange filly lifts the cloth before emptying the rest of her bladder all over your tail and nether regions.
  304. >The white filly then carefully uses a cosmetics brush to put makeup over all of your sores.
  305. >You just lie there in shock, the piss-mud you're lying in caking to your fur.
  306. >Cheerilee finds you about a half hour later, just staring up at the sky.
  307. >When asked what happened, you just tell her that you want to go home.
  308. >Twilight shows up a bit later, somehow transporting you back to her house immediately.
  309. >A warm bath is started.
  310. >"What happened?"
  311. "Please, give me a few minutes."
  312. >"Ah, I see. So you want a few minutes to think of a good excuse? Because to me it just looks like you did all of this for attention."
  313. >The bath fills up in silence.
  314. >Twilight scrubs you down very aggressively with shampoo, and soon the makeup starts to come off.
  315. >"Dear Celestia, so you didn't do it after all…"
  316. >She tenderly lifts you up and takes you over to her bed, setting you down.
  317. >"Tell me what happened."
  318. >You stare at her silently.
  319. >She just sighs and wraps herself around her.
  320. >It feels kind of nice being this close to her, sort of remind you of when you used to snuggle with your mom.
  321. >You can hear her heart gently beating, the sounds of air flowing in and out of her windpipe.
  322. >You're soon reminded of another thing that you can hear very clearly when you're right next to someone.
  323. >Crying.
  324. >The choked sort of sharp breathing of the lungs, the whimpering vibrations of the vocal cords…
  325. >Why does she care about you like this? You would've ended her entire species without a second thought.
  326. >Why doesn't she stop god dammit? She's going to make you…
  327. >You let out a choked sob of your own.
  328. >This is the worst…
  329. >You nestle yourself into the soft hair on her chest.
  330. >Who knew horses could feel this nice?
  331. >The two of you say nothing, just lying there crying like two little fucking pussies until your head starts to hurt.
  332. "T-twilight, can I get some water? I'm starting to get a headache."
  333. >"Sure thing."
  334. >She's gone for only a few seconds, one of the multitudes of perks that fast-travel probably grants her.
  335. >You admittedly need a bit of help drinking the water, but eventually you've gotten enough in your system that your throbbing headache tones down to a dull roar.
  336. >"Are you ready to tell me what happened?"
  337. "Y-yes."
  338. >"Whenever you're ready, it isn't a race."
  339. >You nod and take a few minutes to compose yourself.
  340. >Twilight also takes out a brush and begins to straighten your hair, which you'll admit feels kind of nice.
  341. "There were three of them. An orange one with wings, a yellow one with red hair, and a white unicorn. They held me down and..."
  342. >You shakily draw in a breath.
  343. "They started beating me."
  344. >You dig at the bed.
  345. "They held me down, and one of them started... urinating on me. They put a cloth over my mouth and started peeing on that, I felt sure I was going to drown. The lifted it up every once in a while to make sure I didn't die."
  346. >The brush comes out of your hair, and you hear a snapping sound.
  347. >A slightly different feeling brush enters your mane.
  348. "When everyone was called in-"
  349. >"Everypony."
  350. >You don't want to ruin this tender moment, so you give in.
  351. "W-when everypony was called in, the orange one peed all over my legs and the white one put makeup all over me to hide the forming bruises."
  352. >"I saw the one on your eye... where else did they hit you?"
  353. "The jaw and the stomach. I bit my tongue when they did it."
  354. >You open up your mouth.
  355. >"Celestia, that's quite the..."
  356. >She trails off.
  357. >"Now Anon, are you absolutely sure about the descriptions you gave for these foals? Completely and positively?"
  358. >You lower your head.
  359. "Do you take me for a liar?"
  360. >"I... no. It's just, well... I never suspected the fillies you gave the description of would do such terrible things."
  361. >...
  362. >Twilight gave you the options of setting this right right now, or just hugging it out for a while longer.
  363. >Well...
  364. >The second option only really existed because you asked for it, but she didn't turn you down.
  365. >The minutes ticked by on the clock on the wall.
  366. >You had begun to stare at it, a bit intrigued.
  367. "Twilight, are you... on that clock?"
  368. >You can feel her get a bit warmer, looking up reveals that her face is flushed.
  369. >"W-well, yes. But I'm only part of it, my friends and I each represent two hours of the day. I'm six and seven AM because the maker had a good sense of humor."
  370. "Bit of an interesting thing to commission, but it looks nice."
  371. >"I didn't commission it, it was a gift. After my friends and I defeated Tirek, I actually got a lot of gifts. The library I lived in was destroyed in the fight, and once everypony had their magic returned the boxes just started piling up."
  372. "I guess you must be pretty beloved around here."
  373. >She chuckles at that.
  374. >"Not at first, oh no. The entire nation was pretty outraged when I became an alicorn, which is fair considering how relatively short a period of time it had been since Cadance had ascended..."
  375. "-and you saving all of their asses helped them see through that?"
  376. >"I guess you could say that- don't say ass around the foals by the way- yeah."
  377. "Noted."
  378. >It's quiet for a few minutes as you just take in the ambiance of Twilight's body.
  379. >"Anyways, I didn't want to keep the clock. I had so many pieces of memorabilia here already, and I was only one-sixth of it after all, but my friends loosely convinced me with a short speech about how I understand how important time is more than anypony..."
  380. >"...Which doesn't make a lot of sense considering how tardy all of them can be at times, they probably need it more than I do. Still, I thought it was a nice analogy."
  381. >She chuckles warmly.
  382. >"I'm a sucker for analogies. Well, speaking of time your classmates will be getting out in just a few minutes. Do you want to come with me to confront them?"
  383. "I-I... no. I don't think I do."
  384. >The tousles your hair.
  385. >"Alright, there should be something for you to eat in the fridge. If you can't reach it, go get Spike."
  386. >She scribbles out a set of directions on where to find Spike.
  387. >"I'll be back in an hour and five minutes."
  388. >And with that, she poofs out of existence.
  389. >You feel a lot better now, but there's still one nagging question on your mind:
  390. >Who the hell is this Spike?
  391. >Be Twilight Sparkle.
  392. >You knock on the door of Rarity's Boutique and wait patiently.
  393. >Of course you could've just teleported inside, but you do like ponies to maintain the illusion of their privacy.
  394. >After a few minutes, a filly that resembles Rarity opens the door.
  395. >She looks up at you and then gives you an awkward smile before closing it in your face.
  396. >You hear the lock click.
  397. >Well, time to do this the hard way.
  398. >You reposition yourself a few thousand thou forward, entering Rarity's Boutique with no trouble at all.
  399. >You pick up Sweetie Belle and cast a bubble of silence around her.
  400. >"Rarity!"
  401. >Silence.
  402. >You place the filly on your back.
  403. >No need to even restrain her, not that you would've.
  404. >She already knows that whatever is about to happen is unavoidable.
  405. >You find Rarity crocheting on her bed, earmuffs on.
  406. >Well, that explains it at least.
  407. >You pop the bubble of silence and lift up your friend's earmuffs.
  408. "Stay here, I need to gather the others."
  409. >Applebloom goes with you willingly, while Scootaloo kicks and screams.
  410. >Eventually, you have all three fillies and their 'big sisters' present.
  411. >"Now Twi, what in tarnation is all of this about? We're right in the middle of a big harvest right now, you know neither Applebloom nor I can afford to be wasting our time with this nonsense."
  412. >Rainbow just stands there silently, for the first time in ages.
  413. >Rarity has gone back to crocheting.
  414. "Earlier today, Derpy slammed into my door while I was washing dishes and told me to come to the school immediately."
  415. >The three fillies give each other nervous looks.
  416. "When I get there, I find the threat we [i]neutralized[/i] yesterday lying in a puddle of what I would soon find out was Scootaloo's urine."
  417. >The three mares are starting to pay attention now.
  418. "Because she was filthy, I immediately ran her a warm bath and began to scrub her down. She had said nothing at this point, and I assumed nothing needed to be said. Just a filly faking shock to get out of school."
  419. >You slam your hoof into the ground, shattering a tile of the floor with earth magic.
  420. >"I begin to notice something very peculiar is happening. The color is coming out of parts of her coat, makeup used to conceal forming bruises."
  421. >You stare Rarity dead in the eyes.
  422. >"A tone of makeup that only you could have known, little Sweetie Belle wasn't there yesterday."
  423. >You pull Dash's face close you yours.
  424. >"And tell me, where did a grade school filly learn about waterboarding?"
  425. >You simply look Applejack up and down, waiting for her element to come into play.
  426. >She sighs, exasperated.
  427. >"Alright, alright. So I taught AB how to knock the breath out of a pony for self defense; what does this ave' to do with us?"
  428. "Anon also happened to give me a full description of all three of them."
  429. >Wincing all around the table.
  430. >You sigh and set down your raised hoof.
  431. "Girls... I'd just like to know why. What in Tartarus were you thinking subjecting a poor little fill-"
  432. >Applejack is the first to speak up.
  433. >"Poor little filly? That... thing wanted to blow us all to smithereens!"
  434. >Nods of agreement all around.
  435. >Dash speaks up.
  436. >"I've got a Wonderbolts show in under two weeks, I can't afford to be dead at a time like this!"
  437. >"Darling... aren't you overreacting a bit? They are right, our lives could've ended if you hadn't stepped in. Thank you for that, by the way."
  438. >You shrug off her gratitude.
  439. "When Starlight started going on adventures with us, did any of you try to torment her?"
  440. >Your friends shake their heads.
  441. "When Discord showed up the size of a mouse in your spindles, or your apple baskets, or your... tampon boxes, did you try to crush him?"
  442. >Shaking heads once again.
  443. "Then tell me, what is so radically different about this alien creature that you would go out of your way to torment it [b]after its dangerous qualities have been completely nullified?"[/b]
  444. >Applejack simply puts her face in her hoof.
  445. "Oh, and what's so-"
  446. >"Twilight, it was, an' still is, a legitimate threat to our lives. The only thing we can really hope to do is kill it, but I know you'll he havin' none of that."
  447. >"So, well, we took things into our own hooves."
  448. >"Darling, it seemed completely without remorse. I'm not even sure The CMC got through to it at all."
  449. "For Celestia's sake, she started crying when I did something as simple as give her a hug after that. If I hadn't been there, she might've-"
  450. >Rainbow Dash cuts you off.
  451. >"Yadda yadda, it might've hung itself. Can we please wrap this up? I have practice in under an hour, and you're killing daylight."
  452. >You smile coldly.
  453. "Yes, I'm almost done here Rainbow."
  454. >With a small amount of effort, you pin her to the floor with a powerful sealing ward.
  455. "In fact, I should be done just in time for you to fly there."
  456. >Rainbow flaps her wings, panicking.
  457. >You catch one mid-stroke, sticking it to your hoof like glue with the kind of earth magic only an alicorn could have.
  458. >You open your mouth wide.
  459. "My, my. What a mess, Rainbow. You haven't preened these wings in ages, how do you even manage to fly in them?"
  460. >Applejack pipes up.
  461. >"T-twilight, stop. This is taking it too far."
  462. >Your years of apprenticeship under Celestia come back to you.
  463. >Warm memories of lying on her back, playing with her wings.
  464. >She would caution you:
  465. >"Careful, Twilight. Those are flight feathers, I need those to get around."
  466. >Now, you begin to rip them out of Rainbow's wings with reckless abandon.
  467. >You make sure not to cause any permanent Damage, but it will be your guarantee that Rainbow won't be getting to practice tonight, or probably even up to her house for a few weeks.
  468. >You pluck the final feather from her second wing and pass it gently to Scootaloo.
  469. >You turn your attention toward the other two fillies.
  470. "All three of you are good foals, I know that. Your sisters were good foals too, I'm sure, and now they're good mares."
  471. "Sometimes, however, a pony loses sight of what exactly it means to be good. She gives in to authority-"
  472. >Applebloom's head falls.
  473. "-or a need for admiration-"
  474. >Scootaloo looks away from you, face flushed and tears rolling down her cheeks.
  475. "-or perhaps even a favor."
  476. >You poke at Sweetie's newly pierced ears, causing her to wince.
  477. "Keep that in mind in the future. Equestria depends on you, and powerful ponies without righteousness aren't known as heroes."
  478. >You disappear in a flash, returning to your room in the castle.
  479. >One hour, four minutes and fifty nine seconds.
  480. >A whole second early.
  481. >Perfect.
  482. >Be Anon.
  483. >You found the refrigerator a while back, but getting it open has proven to be a challenge.
  484. >The freezer was easy enough to just grab with your teeth, which was good because you really do need an ice pack for your eye.
  485. >However, you refuse to accept that you need help doing something so incredibly simple as opening a door.
  486. >You look around until you find some sort or ornate stick.
  487. >Sort of reminds you of the Lance of Longinus, huh.
  488. >It's just sitting in a room with a messy, unmade bed.
  489. >The bed stirs, and suddenly there's a slightly irritated pink unicorn staring at you.
  490. "Hi."
  491. >"Who dares violate the Staff of Sameness?"
  492. "I don't…"
  493. >She bursts out laughing all of a sudden.
  494. >"I'm just screwing with you, I gave all that up a while back. So, you're that villain Princess Twilight told me about."
  495. >She sticks out a hoof.
  496. >"Starlight Glimmer, fellow reformed villain."
  497. >You nervously shake it.
  498. >Huh, how'd that happen?
  499. >It was like you actually grappled it.
  500. "Hang on, can we try that shake again?"
  501. >She looks a bit confused, but obliges.
  502. >Of course, now that you're thinking about it, your hoof doesn't have the same pull as before.
  503. >You sigh dejectedly.
  504. >You thought you were harnessing the magic here for a few seconds.
  505. >"What's wrong?"
  506. "It's nothing… you said you were a ‘reformed villain', right? What's that?"
  507. >"Well, every once in a while something or somepony threatens the security of Equestria. I didn't realize it, but I was one such entity."
  508. "What was it you did?"
  509. >"I wanted to bring about true equality, an Equestria without any sort of discrimination. Twilight and I eventually just talked it out, and I saw the error of my ways."
  510. "She… got you to change your entire world view in just a couple of hours?"
  511. >"Oh, no. I still hold the same values, I've just learned how to use my ideas in a way more beneficial to our society. Volunteering at orphanages, all that. Community service is a heck of a lot less destructive than taking away the identities of an entire nation."
  512. >You nod.
  513. >"So… how about you? What's your story with Twilight, I haven't heard the details."
  514. "I was going to set off a series to preliminary thermonuclear detonations to eradicate all life on your planet so it could more easily be mined out. The long-range telescopic spectrometry of your sun revealed that there was a high likelihood of precious ores inside of it, and by an extension most of the planets that formed around it would also have a good chance of being rich in those ores. That's really all I was told, I don't have the security clearance to know what the ores were or what they were going to use them for."
  515. >"Oh, huh. Well, welcome to the family."
  516. "You're… not going to scream at me or hit me or something?"
  517. >"No, why would I do that? I have enough guilt on my hooves for all of the trouble I've caused in the past, and you seem like a nice enough pony."
  518. "Well, obviously I wasn't always a horse."
  519. >Her horn lights up and you feel something warm scratching behind your ears.
  520. >You can't help but smile.
  521. >"I never would've guessed, you seem pretty good at it."
  522. "Thanks, er… would you mind helping me get something out of the fridge?"
  523. >"It would be my pleasure."
  524. >The two of you walk out into the kitchen, Starlight making short work of the task you had been agonizing over for a good while.
  525. >"Ooh, looks like we have options. Burrito, or reheated cheese pizza?"
  526. >You think it over for a minute.
  527. >There's a good likelihood that the burrito will have hay in it.
  528. "I think I'll go with the cheese pizza. Er... how [i]do[/i] you reheat that exactly?"
  529. >"Oh, just turn on the oven for a couple of minutes and- fuck that shit, I use thermal magic. Wanna watch?"
  530. "Yeah."
  531. >You sit down at the wood table, a plate of cold pizza set before you.
  532. >Starlight's horn begins to glow a brilliant red, a similarly colored aura surrounding the plate.
  533. >You watch in awe as the cheese begins to melt slightly, then steam, then-
  534. "Holy fucking shit Starlight, the table is on fire!"
  535. >Immediately breaking the squinted-eyed concentration of Starlight, the two of you promptly begin to panic.
  536. "Don't you know any spells for putting out fires?!"
  537. >"What do I look like to you, a fucking filly scout?"
  538. "I don't even know what that is! Get a dish towel!"
  539. >Starlight fumbles through drawers, turning up nothing.
  540. >"Shit, I think wash day was yesterday!"
  541. "Fuuuuuuck!"
  542. >"Aaaaaaaargh!"
  543. >Suddenly, the entire table, your charcoal lump of a pizza slice, and a good chunk of you and Starlight becomes coated in a thick foam.
  544. >A rather pissed looking lanky dragon stands in the doorway.
  545. >There's something dripping from the handle of the fire extinguisher that you're pretty sure isn't fire retardant foam, but you don't comment on it.
  546. >The fucking edgelord just storms off without a word, leaving the two of you to clean up the mess.
  547. >Twenty minutes later, and you're both munching on cold slices of pizza.
  548. >Twilight appears right in front of you.
  549. >"Whew, gotta be careful with that one. I see you... two have met."
  550. "Yeah, I think I woke her up from a nap though."
  551. >She waves you off.
  552. >"Don't worry about it, she does that every afternoon.
  553. >You can hear a quiet "For a reason." grumbled under the table.
  554. >Twilight poofs a plain pocketwatch into existence.
  555. >"I just expected you to get a cheese stick. Isn't it a bit early for dinner?"
  556. >"You're not my mom, Twilight."
  557. >"No, just hers. Anon?"
  558. "I dunno, she suggested dinner and it sounded good. Is that a crime?"
  559. >You inconspicuously readjust your plate to hide the small scorch mark on the no doubt priceless piece of furniture.
  560. >Purple shoots a glare at Pink.
  561. >"I [i]wanted[/i] to eat dinner with my daughter, but I guess that's out the window now."
  562. >You sit there, feeling slightly uncomfortable as you gnaw your way through a pizza crust.
  563. >Starlight winces.
  564. >"Hey, I'm sure she's still hungry. You could go for another slice, right kid?"
  565. "Y-yeah, I'm famished."
  566. >Twilight seems to calm down a bit after that bit of information comes out, flopping down at the table and making herself a salad from her chair with random shit from the fridge.
  567. >She just sort of stares at Starlight for a while, and eventually she gets the message that when Twilight said she wanted dinner with her da- you, she meant [b]alone.[/b]
  568. >She poofs out of existence, probably at least a bit happy to be getting an excuse to sleep.
  569. "So... what did you say to those kids?"
  570. >"Foals."
  571. >You wait for her to continue, but you can hear the want in her silence.
  572. "So... what did you say to those foals?"
  573. >"It turns out they weren't the problem, it was their sisters that were to blame. Well, in one case surrogate sister... but that's extraneous. I sent a good message to them."
  574. "I didn't see you as the type who would walk around with a hammer collecting loan payments."
  575. >She rewards you with a good-natured chuckle.
  576. >"The more you know. Actually, I just pulled the flight feathers out of the pegasus that was present. She had it coming to her, don't worry."
  577. "Whew... so, you don't think I'll have any more trouble with those ki- foals?"
  578. >"Well, I wouldn't doubt it if someone still had it in for you. Word gets around quickly in a small town like this, unfortunately. I'd stay within Cheerilee's sight at all times if I were you."
  579. "Noted..."
  580. >You eat in silence for a while, finishing up on your third slice of pizza.
  581. >Just as you're about to leave the table, Twilight calls you.
  582. >"You don't have to go to the party tonight, I'm sure Pinkie can reschedule it."
  583. "I'd be fine with a few people."
  584. >"Ponies.
  585. "Ponies."
  586. "I'd be fine with a few people."
  587. >"Ponies.
  588. "Ponies."
  589. >You sit back down, it's still pretty difficult to reach your food but you're dignified enough not to ask for the fucking high chair.
  590. "But... maybe tomorrow."
  591. >You sell it with a genuine yawn, something about all of this has taken it all out of you.
  592. >You catch a smile on Twilight's lips.
  593. >"Alright, but I won't be able to snuggle you tonight if you go to bed before me~"
  594. >It's tempting, but...
  595. >If you're tired now, you'll probably be exhausted then.
  596. "No, thanks."
  597. >Her ears fall.
  598. >"Oh, okay. I'll get to work on the dishes."
  599. >You nod before realizing that she's facing away from you and that you're a fucking autist.
  600. "Okay."
  601. >You only get lost a few times on the way back to your room.
  602. >[i]Where you're staying.[/i]
  603. >Yeah.
  604. >With some difficulty, you manage to finally get enough of a running start to jump up enough to [i]barely just[/i] catch the covers on top and pull yourself up to the sheets.
  605. >Pulling aside the comforter, you climb underneath.
  606. >Luckily the room isn't one with windows, so you simply turn the knob on the oil lamp next to you until it peters out into nothing.
  607. >Wait a second...
  608. >Oh god, fuck no.
  609. >Her words echo very clearly in your mind:
  610. >'This is important. If I come in at night and find your mouth smelling like a barn, there [i]will[/i] be consequences. It's not only imperative to making friends that you have excellent hygiene, but we ponies develop tooth decay rather quickly.'
  611. >You groan as you clambor out of the comfortable bed, roll onto the uncomfortable floor, and go through the uncomfortable experience of using bubble gum flavored kids toothpaste to brush your teeth on top of a seemingly very precarious three-legged stool.
  612. >Rinse and repeat until your teeth literally sparkle.
  613. >That's fucking weird, man.
  614. >Well, time to sleep.
  615. >You repeat the same process from a few minutes ago, except this time it takes noticeably longer with how tired you are.
  616. >Be Twilight Sparkle.
  617. >Checking in on Starlight.
  618. >You don't know what's wrong with her, she's been sleeping most of the day for a few weeks now.
  619. >You keep her up late for the occasional time-specific magic use that requires more than a single pony to preform, but it shouldn't be enough to impact her like this.
  620. >In any case, she's awake right now.
  621. >Even has a tidbit of information to share with you, how kind.
  622. >"Anon really does seem like a sweet filly. You're lucky to have her. Listen... I have something a bit worrying to tell you. I need to to promise me that you won't immediately go into a tizzy about this, alright?"
  623. >Her phrasing alone makes you nervous.
  624. >This is not something good.
  625. "Out with it."
  626. >"You didn't-"
  627. "It doesn't matter, I need to know."
  628. >She rolls her eyes and then nods.
  629. >"What exactly do you know about Anon?"
  630. "I know that she used to be some sort of ape-monster, and that she was coming here to do something that was likely detrimental to our way of life, if not the survival of ponykind."
  631. >"She confirmed the latter for us, unfortunately. I'll spare you the details, but if you hadn't stopped her it would've been the end of pony-"
  632. "Don't spare me the details, I'm not squeamish. I'm a mare of science, these things could be important."
  633. >She nods.
  634. >"She wanted to detonate some sort of explosive devices to turn Equestria into a ready-made mining outpost. She mentioned the weapons being 'thermonuclear.'"
  635. >You go about as pale as you can get.
  636. "Impossible, such weapons of destruction were debunked."
  637. >"Maybe they aren't possible with our background magic, but they're feasible with theirs?"
  638. "Perhaps. This is all quite disturbing, but is that all?"
  639. >"I was afraid you'd ask about that. Anon mentioned not having security clearance high enough to even know what the ore would be mined for, so we're not dealing with just one lunatic with some bombs strapped to his tin-can. There's probably an entire organization of monkeys ready to wipe us all off the map after they get back their astronaut; and maybe even willing to do so if she's still here."
  640. >A cold chill runs down your spine.
  641. "I need to get a letter to Celestia immediately, anything else to report?"
  642. >She nods gravely.
  643. >"They could already be on their way. Why do you think Anon would be so relaxed if she didn't expect some sort of help soon?"
  644. "Right. Thank you, my student."
  645. >It doesn't sound quite right coming out of your mouth, but Glimmer doesn't laugh so you assume you pulled it off decently well.
  646. >You go off to find Spike.
  647. >Be Anon.
  648. >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK A GIANT SHARK WITH LASER EYES AND NIGGERS FOR TEETH!!!!!
  649. >You bolt upright in a cold sweat.
  650. >Whew, it was only a dream.
  651. >Those niggers really did look lifelike, you were convinced.
  652. >You sit there in the dark for a few minutes before you accept the fact that you're not going to fall back asleep here.
  653. >With some difficulty, you hoist the comfiest pillow on your bed onto your back and somehow find your way back to Twilight's room even though she never told you where it was.
  654. >You decide to go for the word with the best chance of success.
  655. "M-mommy?"
  656. >The blankets stir, and a purple and pink mess of hair rises from the depths of the bed.
  657. >"Gruah... Anon?"
  658. "I had a bad dream, can I sleep with you?"
  659. >She wakes up a bit at that.
  660. >"Oh, of course."
  661. >She lifts you up and tucks you in next to her.
  662. >Soon after, you drift off for real...
  663. >Another day, another plate of waffles.
  664. >You scarf them down, Twilight briefly mentions that your party is tonight.
  665. >Is it mentioning or reminding? All of this shit just feels so surreal.
  666. >You grab your brown paper bag with another wrapped slice of cheese pizza in it.
  667. >Heh, get you under the covers and you'd be a wrapped slice of-
  668. >Well, there's no need to be excessively profane.
  669. >But it's also one of the few jokes you can come up with about your situation that is able to give you a sensible chuckle.
  670. >"-right Anonymous?"
  671. "Huh?"
  672. >"You finished your homework, right Anonymous?"
  673. "I didn't quite have the chance to grab it if I had any."
  674. >Twilight sighs, part of you knows that she just wants to mom it up and sit on the couch with you.
  675. >Teach you all the wonders of this world, make you not want to destroy it anymore.
  676. >Your organization did put you through quite a bit of desensitization training.
  677. >You remember that time they took you down to the ruins of Earth, the first time you had seen the planet from where your entire legacy originated.
  678. >Everyone was enjoying it, throwing back drinks and watching the sun that used to sustain this planet setting over the ruined cityscapes.
  679. >You wanted to stay for weeks, there was just something so beautiful about the destruction.
  680. >You had seen images of the nuclear strikes that you would inevitably command already, a destruction so engineered that it left barely anything behind that wasn't under the surface.
  681. >You grappled up the still-standing monolith of a skyscraper, making sure to keep your reverter on-hand unless you slipped.
  682. >All of the damage here was just... subtle.
  683. >If you hadn't learned about the downfall of the colony, you never could've said what exactly happened here.
  684. >In any case, the beauty of it all was shattered the next morning.
  685. >It turns out that they had only dragged you a few hundred light seconds to make you shoot some creatures called 'squirrels'.
  686. >If you couldn't do it, you were out of the program.
  687. >You didn't even hesitate when you got one in your sights.
  688. >No matter how nice they looked, those furry rodents were all that were standing between you and a very cushy well-paying job.
  689. >But then again, none of the squirrels had human-level intelligence and sapience.
  690. >It's best not to think too hard about that, you'll inadvertently end up killing them in under a month anyways.
  691. >"Have a great day at school, honey."
  692. >Twilight brushes up against one of your bruises tenderly before pulling you into a hug.
  693. >Don't think, don't think, don't think...
  694. >Emotions never got anyone anywhere in science.
  695. >Not anyone important, that is.
  696. >You take a seat at your desk.
  697. >The cunt trio soon enter separately.
  698. >They all give you the same look.
  699. >It's...
  700. >You can't tell what it is, but there's no anger in it.
  701. >"Good morning class!"
  702. >You join in the chorus of voices:
  703. >"Good morning Ms. Cheerilee."
  704. >"My students are tired this morning, eh?"
  705. >A brown colt raises a leg, hoof drooping.
  706. >"Yes, Button?"
  707. >"I stayed up all night playing the new Megamare."
  708. >You can see a flash of annoyance on Cheerilee's face before she masks it with a winning smile.
  709. >"That's great Button, why don't you talk about that at lunch?"
  710. >"It's really really cool. You play as a mare construct, like a golem but metal. You have to go through stages and defeat-"
  711. >"Button. At lunch."
  712. >"But-"
  713. >"Now class, what do we say about butts?"
  714. >You stay silent and open your mouth to mouth along:
  715. >"Butts are for toilets and check-ups, not Ms. Cheerilee's class."
  716. >"That's right."
  717. >The scraping of chalk against a board causes you to slam your hooves over your ears like the fucking autist you are.
  718. >"Persona. Per-soh-nah. Can anypony tell me what that means?"
  719. >Nobody seems to know the answer.
  720. >You wait around for Cheerilee to just write it on the board, but she just stands there waiting for someone to take a crack at it.
  721. >Well, you'll give it a shot.
  722. >"Yes, Anon?"
  723. "A persona is the you that you show everyone else, not like the you that you keep inside."
  724. >Nailed that brainlet comprehensible terminology too, a plus.
  725. >The teacher nods.
  726. >"That's very good Anonymous, in fact..."
  727. >She walks over to you, peeling back something from a thin sheet with an attracting hoof.
  728. >It gets stuck on your desk.
  729. >A gold star.
  730. >Many of your classmates look on with envy.
  731. >You know it's worthless, but they don't.
  732. >So you beam proudly.
  733. >Let the hate flow through you...
  734. >The rest of the day until lunch continues to be as mind-numbing dull as you would expect.
  735. >You step outside for lunch, making sure to stay within Cheerilee's line of sight this time just in case.
  736. >Your fears are confirmed when all three of the same fillies from yesterday approach you.
  737. >You look over at Cheerilee pleadingly, but she's busy talking to some parent.
  738. >The orange one is the first to speak up.
  739. >"Hey."
  740. >You occupy yourself in appearing very interested in your pizza.
  741. >"No hard feelings, right?"
  742. >You give her the thousand yard stare.
  743. >The yellowish one speaks up.
  744. >"Ah, don't mind her. Scootaloo is just ah little bit... behind."
  745. >"Am not!"
  746. >The white one speaks up.
  747. >"So... you want to be in our club?"
  748. >You start to exhale rapidly out of your nose, working your way up into a chuckle, until finally you have a laugh going that would do the likes of Light and Jonah Jameson proud.
  749. >The orange one seems to take personal offense to this.
  750. >"What's so funny about-"
  751. "Twilight put you up to this, didn't she?"
  752. >She falls silent.
  753. "I figured as much. Do you know what the most important moment of your interaction with anyone is?"
  754. >All three of them shake their heads.
  755. "The first. Fucking. Impression. If you piss on someone, there's a good likelihood that they aren't going to want to talk to you for a long time."
  756. >"But friendship is magic..."
  757. "Yeah, so is alchemy. Tell me, have you ever seen lead turned to gold before your very eyes?"
  758. >The white one shakes her head.
  759. "Exactly, now leave me alone so I can eat my fucking lunch in-"
  760. >Leaves rustle next to you.
  761. >"What did she ever do to you?"
  762. "You don't want to know the half of it."
  763. >A brown hoof impacts the ground in front of you.
  764. >"I-I challenge you to a duel!"
  765. >You look up at the colt.
  766. >To his credit, he is taller than you.
  767. >Could probably kick your ass in a 1v1 irl, but based on the slight pudge of dat ass...
  768. "What game?"
  769. >He gives you a genuine looking face full of shock.
  770. >"H-how did you know I was going to name a video game?"
  771. "I have my ways."
  772. >You lean back, grinning.
  773. "So, is it a yes or a no? You're just going to let your little girlfriend take my abuse?"
  774. >He scratches his chin.
  775. >"What's a girl?"
  776. >You facepalm.
  777. [i]"Marefriend."[/s]
  778. >"Oh, then no! You have no respect for fillies! You're on like a pawn!"
  779. >He turns his head towards the white one, but she either doesn't get his chess 'joke' or she sees it as the lame unfunny shit it is.
  780. "Never mind the fact that I am a filly... are lesbians extra prevalent here?"
  781. >"Here? Lesbian?"
  782. "Never mind. Right after school, wherever you all play video games. I'll kick your ass, and if you can somehow beat me then I guess I'll put aside all of the horrible shit these ponies did to me and be their friends."
  783. >He gives an exaggerated laugh.
  784. >"And if Button were to somehow lose? Oh yeah, it's at my house."
  785. "Did you just refer to yourself in third person and then drop the act after only one sentence? If you're going to do a stupid gimmick, at least commit. As hard as it may be to believe, my demands are self-explanatory. I want to be left alone by you assholes."
  786. >The four of them walk off in two different directions as you bite into the slightly-burnt crust.
  787. >Delicious.
  788. >Be Sweetie Belle.
  789. >Button is really really annoying, but...
  790. >Rarity did say there would be consequences if you couldn't get her out of hot water with Twilight.
  791. >You practice breathing through your mouth to avoid the inevitable smell of unwashed ass that emanates from Button before walking over to him.
  792. >As per usual, he stutters quite a bit.
  793. >"H-hey S-sweetie Belle! H-how are you d-doing tod-"
  794. "Button, what would it take for you to win that game today?"
  795. >"A kiss."
  796. >That was surprisingly fast.
  797. >Well, Rarity would've done the same to get what she wanted.
  798. "Deal, and if you lose you have to do my chores for a month."
  799. >You can see a bead of sweat run down his face.
  800. >Be Button Mash.
  801. >Maybe you should throw the match, when else do you get a chance to sniff a fine mare's dirty laundry?
  802. "Deal."
  803. >...
  804. >Be Anonymous.
  805. >Be Anonymous.
  806. >You honestly quite like the physical bell in the school house, it gives the completion of a day of work a nice reward.
  807. >Twilight is waiting outside for you, you walk up to her and whisper what you're doing in her ear.
  808. >At first she seems a bit annoyed that you want to play video games instead of spending time with her, but after you remind her that it's an exercise in friendship and agree to her demands of letting her bathe with you in the tub and cuddle afterwards...
  809. >You aren't gay, you just want these fuckers off of your case.
  810. >[s]And Twilight is kinda comfy desu...[/s]
  811. >Anyways, she allows it on the condition that she can pick you up and drop you off.
  812. >Seems she knows Button's mom.
  813. >You wonder what she's like...
  814. >Knock knock.
  815. >A cream colored mare opens the door.
  816. >Twilight greets her warmly before leaving you to your own devices.
  817. >It would seem you're the first one there, so you make some small talk with Button's mom.
  818. >You chance a look at her ass and notice that her tattoo is a bottle with a heart next to it.
  819. >You haven't quite figured out what those do, you just know that yours is a question mark.
  820. >Well, not a bad thing to ask...
  821. "Miss..."
  822. >"Just call me Cream, all my friends do."
  823. >That statement makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, but whatever.
  824. "...Cream, what do the marks on our butts mean?"
  825. >"Huh, I figured they would've taught you that in school by now. That's a cutie mark, it dictates the thing that you're best at, and if you're lucky the thing you'll do for the rest of your life!"
  826. >You catch a twinge of sadness in those eyes, but it quickly fades away.
  827. >You're guessing that not everyone gets a talent that matches up with their childhood fantasies.
  828. >Not to mention, what the hell does hers mean she's good at?
  829. "That's neat, when do ponies usually get them?"
  830. >"Oh, pretty early. They show up when you discover what your special talent is, so it usually doesn't take that long."
  831. "That's neat, what does yours symbolize?"
  832. >"Motherly care."
  833. >You slowly process just how incredibly fucked up that implication is, but decide not to comment on it.
  834. >She seems nice, you don't want to dig up past trauma.
  835. >"Do you want a juice box while you wait?"
  836. "Well, normally I'd say we should burn the juice; but yeah that sounds nice."
  837. >You realize what a bad idea that statement was right after it leaves your lips, but thankfully Cream pays it no mind.
  838. >"Apple or grape? I'd offer you fruit punch, but that's my baby's favorite and we're out."
  839. "Apple, please."
  840. >The box is set in front of you, and you just sort of stare it while you try to figure out the best way to insert the straw.
  841. >"Oh, you need some help with that?"
  842. "Thanks... if it's not too much trouble yeah, I'm really used to having fingers."
  843. >She laughs.
  844. >"You foals and your pretend games."
  845. >"Mooooom, I'm home!"
  846. >Once again, you see a flash of something pass through her eyes.
  847. >But this time, you think it's...
  848. >Annoyance? A bit of something... violent?
  849. >Understandable.
  850. >The three stooges lurk behind him, seemingly waiting to be invited in like vampires.
  851. >After being ushered in, you're quickly pulled away from Cream by a grubby hoof into a room that nearly makes you vomit on just the smell alone.
  852. >How could someone who likely doesn't even know that his dick is for anything other than peeing produce this pungent of an odor?
  853. >You quickly excuse yourself to 'use the restroom' and plead Cream to let you borrow a clothespin.
  854. >She nods in understanding.
  855. >By the time you've returned, the game is already set up.
  856. >The selection screen reminds you of Smash, except for the fact that you don't recognize any of the faces on it.
  857. >You see Button has already selected a blue metallic mare, seemingly the video game character he was attempting to talk Cheerilee's ears off about earlier.
  858. >Yep, Megaman...
  859. >You still have no idea how.
  860. >You ponder your selection.
  861. >If there's a Megaman clone, surely there's a Wolf and/or a Falco...
  862. >Not that you have any hope of finding them in a character roster that seems to consist of only ponies.
  863. >So you take the alpha route and slide all the way over to the bottom right, selecting random.
  864. >You look over at the others, your practiced cocky grin hopefully hiding the fact that you have no idea what you're doing.
  865. >The stocks are set to three, and the time limit to infinity.
  866. >You try to select a stage, but Button whines about it being his game so you just roll your eyes and go with the one he chooses.
  867. >Dropping in, you try to get the hang of your character.
  868. >You don't know this moveset, nor were you ever particularly excellent at Smash; but you could always come in the top two in a party and your friend who went to actual tournaments had trained you well for the bullshit that most of these characters could throw at an unprepared player.
  869. >Button attempts to spam projectiles, but you just go over with the center platform and grab his gundam ass.
  870. >Now to throw the fucker off-stage...
  871. >He recovers easily, but you're ahead and he knows it.
  872. >As you expected, the disadvantage makes him rush you.
  873. >As Ramírez said to MacLeod, don't lose your head.
  874. >You mean, he's not playing Fox, but still.
  875. >You manage to take a stock with a down-smash near stage edge, and then another two a few minutes later with a well-timed projectile and another grab when he tries to shield.
  876. >As your character- a purple pegasus- shows up on the victory screen, you look over at the spectators.
  877. >The orange one watches in awe, while the other two simply seem to be peeved.
  878. >Looking over at Button reveals a priceless expression of pure shock.
  879. "Ey miasma, you can't win em' all."
  880. >He storms out, throwing down the controller.
  881. "Hey, best two out of three, huh?"
  882. >Sweetie goes out after him, surprisingly.
  883. >Guess she must just want to get laid that badly.
  884. >Be Sweetie Belle.
  885. "What was that?"
  886. >"I-I-"
  887. "You're supposed to be the best, and I've got stakes riding on this."
  888. >"I don't like pres-"
  889. "Nobody does, but think of my soft lips against yours, my forelegs wrapping around your withers..."
  890. >You ignore his extending member and try not to gag as you go on with your erotic fanfiction.
  891. >Well, fan-fiction would imply that Button is likeable...
  892. >You leave the drooling colt to his own devices while you grab the juice box from the kitchen that Anon was drinking when you came in and grind up a pill into it.
  893. >You don't know what the fuck it does, just that Rarity told you it was non-lethal and that you also on almost no circumstances want to take more than one.
  894. >So you grind up another.
  895. >Stirring the juice, you carefully pour a drop onto your tongue.
  896. >Doesn't taste that off from juice.
  897. >Perfect.
  898. >Be Anonymous.
  899. >The orange one is trying to find out all the ins and outs of how you kicked Button's ass, but you're maintaining your silence aside from giving her a polite gaze.
  900. >She's at least making an effort, and you can respect that.
  901. >You might be her friend yet...
  902. >Well, probably not.
  903. >"Hey Anon, I got your juice box from the kitchen."
  904. >Huh, that was nice.
  905. >You give her a slight smile and take a nice big sip.
  906. >Mmm...
  907. >You really had forgotten how much you loved apple juice.
  908. >Button comes in soon after, leaning back on a filthy beanbag chair.
  909. >You can see his wiener sticking out, but you don't make fun of it because you're not five.
  910. >You consider your situation for a second.
  911. "Button has a boner!"
  912. >All eyes go to the colt's crotch as he desperately tries to hide it.
  913. >"D-do not!"
  914. "Do so!"
  915. >Good, distract him for this round...
  916. >The game takes a little bit to start up due to Orange having a few too many penis jokes on reserve, but eventually you go back over to the purple pegasus you played last round.
  917. >Huh, the screen is a bit fuzzy.
  918. >Might just be the quality of these old televisions, or whatever they are.
  919. >You shrug it off.
  920. >Your first stock is taken without issue, but the second is a bit more difficult.
  921. >The screen starts to smudge behind your character, and it isn't just the graphics.
  922. >The entirety of the glass begins to relocate slightly, creating minute differences in viewability.
  923. >It's annoying, but you press on and take his second stock with a wing-attack.
  924. >The floor begins to melt a bit, you can feel your ass sinking into it.
  925. >Even so, you manage to fight your way through the odd feelings and get Button down to half.
  926. >You hear the character death sound and notice that you're down a stock.
  927. >What kind of witchcraft is this?
  928. >Another stock goes down soon after.
  929. >How the hell is he so good all of a sudden?
  930. >Unless...
  931. >Oh god.
  932. >OH GOD.
  933. >You look to your juice box and glare at Sweetie, who gives you an expression of confusion.
  934. >The problem is, in this state you can't even judge if it's genuine or not.
  935. >In the few seconds you take to look away, you're already dead.
  936. >Looking up at the clock, you see that a full minute has passed.
  937. >What the fuck is going on here?
  938. >Orange's voice comes through your ears, distorted.
  939. >"Oooooone toooo onnnne!"
  940. >You can't even see the characters, and you're freaking the fuck out.
  941. >You try to ask for a time-out, but all that comes out of your mouth is a weird gargling.
  942. >Orange collapses into a puddle of non-Newtonian fluid and slowly slides out the door.
  943. >You can't even recognize an image on the screen anymore.
  944. >You black out.
  945. >Be Twilight Sparkle.
  946. >You're taking care of the important royal duty of cutting the ribbon for a new business in Canterlot when Celestia calmly nudges you with a scroll.
  947. >You open it up and immediately pop back outside of Cream Heart's house.
  948. >Anon is lying on the ground, head in a bucket with vomit all over the floor.
  949. >She's convulsing slightly.
  950. "Sweet Celestia, what happened here?"
  951. >"I don't know, Scootaloo just rushed in here and told me something was wrong with her. When I came in, she was just walking in circles looking at her tail. Button was still playing his video game and the other two were watching intently."
  952. "Well, tell Scootaloo that I really appreciate what she did. You... mind if I borrow this bucket?"
  953. >"Of course not, I know the feeling of sick foals all too well."
  954. >You laugh nervously.
  955. >Maybe Anon wasn't ready to play with the other foals just-
  956. >You're talking about a fully mature hairless ape, stop patronizing it.
  957. >In any case, you hoist your filly up onto your back and position the bucket below you.
  958. >A bit of vomit drips on you, but you needed a shower anyways.
  959. >Spike, who you didn't see, rips out a page of a magazine and burns it.
  960. "Spike, what did I tell you about burning suggestive images of Celestia?"
  961. >He shrugs.
  962. >"Really don't care."
  963. >Anon is mumbling something about the 'fucking globalist scum'
  964. >You'll have to ask her about that later.
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