notkickass222urmom

LtD 1-16

Mar 26th, 2014
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  1. >Chapter 1
  2. Ok, not the worst excuse for a HiE I've seen, it's actually kinda clever.
  3. kinda.
  4. ...
  5. Ugh... black and read mane? Cape? tight su-- What the hell?
  6. ...
  7. Girokon? Girokon!? Did he chew mescaline before writing?
  8. ...
  9. Retired guard?.
  10. ...
  11. Well, shit. I think I'm gonna go for a beer and make my way through it.
  12. Wish me luck.
  13.  
  14.  
  15.  
  16. >>Chapter 2
  17. ...
  18. >"I thought I told you not to speak to strangers, especially strange ponies."
  19. I fear that nobody else will show this level of common sense ever again.
  20. ...
  21. >"you're a zebra"
  22. But wasn't he flying last cha--
  23. "You have stripes like a zebra all over your body, but you're a Pegasus."
  24. Seriously?
  25. Seriously!?
  26. ...
  27. >"Spike, you are you talking to?"
  28. The sheer act of getting near our protagonist gave Twilight a stroke.
  29. ...
  30. >I looked back an my wings and extended them a little. Then I noticed that my wings look different, they had a red thing going along the top part of them. Which is strange, how did I not notice that earlier?
  31. Anything else? Do they turn into swords? Do your eyes shoot lasers? Are your hooves retractable?
  32. ...
  33. >"Do you have a place to stay, since your new in town."
  34. Is he gonna give her the D?
  35. ...
  36. >Why does this feel like one of those crappy clop fictions written by a new author? Strange...
  37. Why does this feel like one of those crappy meta jokes new authors do to pretend they're self-aware and deep? Strange...
  38. ...
  39. >I was happy she explained it for me, because I was getting tired of explaining it to everyone.
  40. You mean the two ponies to whom you've talked?
  41. ...
  42. >I almost jumped back at the sight of my eyes, they were red and had the pupil of a crocodile with lines going out all around it.
  43. I should have known better.
  44. ...
  45. >"Well, if you don't want to stay at Applejack's farm, you can stay here. I have a spare room next to mine."
  46. Oh, God. He's gonna five Twi the D.
  47. ...
  48. >Rainbow Dash walked up next to me, "You should come hang out at my place sometime."
  49. Didn't you ask him not to follow you home last chapter?
  50. ...
  51. >There was a two person or two pony bed in the corner
  52. Oh, GOD, he's gonna give her the D
  53. ...
  54. WHY DOES THIS EXIST!?
  55.  
  56.  
  57.  
  58. >>Chapter 3 - Part 1
  59. >Okay, I give up on editing this.
  60. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of the story.
  61. >you're not supposed to fly at high speeds during a storm.
  62. So that’s what I was doing wrong.
  63. >Wait, how long have I been reading?
  64. Ten minutes, but it feels like an hour.
  65. >"...That cute? Darling, don't you think you should wait a little longer before showing those feelings?"
  66. I’m deeply sorry for all the Twifags out there.
  67. >Yeah, that's a great way to show my thanks, getting her and her dream stallion together.
  68. But what will happen when our hero discovers HE’s the one Twilight likes? Hopefully it’ll be too much for him to understand and his head will explode.
  69. >I walked back to her and smiled, "If you don't hurry, I'll be forced to carry you in."
  70. As one is inclined to do with the people you’ve met five hours ago.
  71. >Twilight wrapped her forelegs around my neck, which made it hard to breath. Then she put her face in my mane, she must really be nervous or really sick.
  72. I’m sick of this too. Can I wrap my hands around your neck too? I won’t let go.
  73. >"SURPRISE!" They all screamed at the same time.
  74. Wasn’t he explicitly told they were making a party for him?
  75. > Pinkie Pie began to sing.
  76. The Pony Pokey is the best part of the story so far, and that’s saying a lot.
  77. >"Oh, so you're calling me Dash now? I like it when you say it."
  78. Of course you would, Dash, this is turning into a harem fic.
  79. >Time to try and find that stallion Twilight likes.
  80. Or you could have listened to what she just said.
  81. > I looked at the brown stallion, who was going towards the door. "Nice to meet you Giro. My name is Doctor Whoof.
  82. Don’t drag another show into your maelstrom of madness.
  83. >"Lets go back to my place, then I'll help you get to know me."
  84. And thus, Girokon’s special talent was making every mare attracted to him
  85.  
  86.  
  87.  
  88. >>Chapter 3 - Part 2
  89. >I don't think I want to have sex with a pony.
  90. So we’re gonna have to deal with chapters of chapters of angst before you finally rut everyone?
  91. > "Yes I do, you're too much of a bookworm to enjoy a stallion like him."
  92. Twilight, you’re my best friend, but that’s not gonna prevent me from taking some human/zebra/Pegasus/bat/snake dick.
  93. >"I'm sorry Giro, she's kind of direct at her approaches."
  94. Rape is a clear sign of boldness.
  95. >*Bang*
  96. Please tell me he killed himself.
  97. >"Wait Twilight, my room isn't right, can I stay in yours tonight?"
  98. Please, I know this is a shitty harem self-insert OC story, but I’m sure ev—
  99. >"Sure, just let me get the bed ready."
  100. There are no words.
  101. >My body was light blue with red stripes all over it, the front of my face was red. My mane was slightly spiky and so was my tail. The wings looked kinda weird with that red thing going along the top of them. My ear was torn at the top. I had to admit, I did look scary and weird, and my eye's, they make me want to go in a corner and cry!
  102. FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS FIC. FUCK THIS AUTHOR.
  103. I can’t even begin to understand what crossed this guy’s mind. This can’t even pass as satire. Why would you make such an awful story? Why is this so high rated?
  104. WHY?
  105. >She landed on her doorstep and walked inside towards her desk. She then picked up a small bottle. A bottle she had found outside of Zecora's house.
  106. Gee. I wonder what could that be.
  107. >'Anti-magic potion'.
  108. Up yours, Kickass222urmom.
  109.  
  110.  
  111.  
  112. >>Chapter 4
  113. >Now, how do I get down without hurting myself?
  114. If only you had appendages on your back that somehow enabled flight.
  115. >Why do I have this body? Why couldn't I have the body of a normal pony?
  116. Why did this have to try to be original? Why couldn’t it have been a standard shitty HiE fic?
  117. >I went to the first door and opened it. Oh, what a surprise, more books. I closed that door and moved to the next one. More books. Weird, how many books does she own? The next three doors was the same thing, books.
  118. I know, right? This place looks like a library.
  119. >Yeah, fell out of bed and hurt my head.
  120. I wonder if this happened to the author and that’s why we have to deal with this thing.
  121. >"That's what Derpy Hooves said before she became... the way she is now."
  122. Oh, good. We’re gonna have retarded Derpy as well. Do I hear Lyra screaming “hands” in the background?
  123. >Wait, cupcakes. I don't know if I want to eat them after reading that one fan fiction
  124. Just the same way nobody will want to go to Equestria after reading this.
  125. >I fell backwards onto the cloud. I sunk in a little, but the cloud was so comfortable. I relaxed and closed my eye's.
  126. You JUST woke up!
  127. >'A present, from me to you, from your friend R.D.'
  128. Hey, Giro? I know you have the mental capacity of a potato, but you may want to remember how she tried to rape you last night.
  129. >Is this for me? Why does Rainbow Dash want me so bad? Why am I asking myself questions?
  130. Because good writing is hard.
  131. >The door across the room opened and in walked Rainbow Dash, a smug smile on her face. "Oh no. Giro, did you eat the cupcake?"
  132. The one you left on the counter with no clear sign of the recipient? Yeah, he did.
  133. >"What do you mean Rainbow? Please tell me you didn't put that 'Ant-magic potion' in a cupcake. Do you know what that does to non-unicorns?"
  134. It grants them the ability to change size at will?
  135. >It can kill a non-unicorn!
  136. Which is the one thing Giro isn't.
  137.  
  138.  
  139.  
  140. >>Chapter 5
  141. > I'm done editing this story, so just uploading the unfinished version
  142. Buckle up, we’re not using lube.
  143. > "I'm so sorry, but he didn't make it."
  144. The fact that there’s still ~135 chapters left makes me dubious
  145. >Your back so soon young one? But you just arrived in that world a little under twenty hours ago.
  146. Is he talking to God? I wonder how many people became atheists because of this fic.
  147. >You was only there seventeen hours.
  148. Wait, he was there 20 or 17 hours?
  149. >But, you just died ten minutes ago. How is this possible?
  150. Not even the dead wanted him.
  151. > I wasn't dead. I have a condition where my body goes into a shut down like state for a while. Its perfectly normal for me.
  152. Naturally.
  153. >As for the condition, I blame my father.
  154. You have no one to blame but yourself.
  155. > A blank flank? You sure are a weird pony.
  156. Yes. THAT’S what makes him weird.
  157. >Giro! Your alive!
  158. Nevermind that you were pronounced dead! My twenty (seventeen?) hours crush prevents me from being logical.
  159. >I'm sorry Twilight, I didn't mean to...
  160. Next time I die, I’ll do it in a way that doesn’t inconvenience you.
  161. >With that, she leaned in to kiss me.
  162. Again, I’m sorry Twifags.
  163. >"Giro, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to eat that cupcake. It was meant for Twilight."
  164. I didn’t want to kill you! I just wanted to destroy Twilight’s life over a petty crush!
  165. >I'm just not attracted to your type of personality.
  166. Personality here means rapist, manipulative and obsessive.
  167. >Wait, your attracted to ponies like Twilight!
  168. Who would have guessed? Except anyone who has read this far.
  169. > Do you like Twilight or something?
  170. But… You just said that.
  171. >Rainbow Dash stood, "Why?"
  172. He just sai—Fuck it…
  173. > "He's all yours!"
  174. You haven’t seen the last of Rainbow Dash! Bye.
  175. > She leaned in and prepared to kiss me.
  176. I potentially lost a friend, might as well hook up with the abomination I’ve met for less than a day
  177. ...
  178.  
  179.  
  180.  
  181. >>Chapter 6 - Part 1
  182. >Dear Princess Celestia,
  183. >I am writing to tell you that a new pony has arrived in Ponyville. He is a strange Pegasus, with stripes and evil looking eyes. He also claims to be a retired Royal Guard, which I think isn't true. I think he's hiding something. Please do something about him.
  184. >Sincerely,
  185. >The best flier in Equestria, Rainbow Dash
  186. I know this is supposed to be a revenge/jealousy thing, but this is actually the most appropriate course of action in this situation.
  187. >Time to start job hunting.
  188. Weird, I figured he would poop gold or gems.
  189. >Sugar Cube Corner, Sweet Apple Acres, the Café down the street, and the Carousel Boutique
  190. Gee, I wonder what it will be.
  191. >"The pay is twenty bits an hour, plus tips. How does that sound?"
  192. I wish I could nab a job that good…
  193. >Well, there was that one time my mom made me work for Sonic
  194. Oh, hoop-dee-fucking-doo.
  195. >"Yes, I was in the Royal Guard."
  196. This will in no way come back to haunt him.
  197. He gets the job as a waiter. There. I saved you five paragraphs.
  198. >Seven minutes down, just a one hundred and twelve more to go.
  199. That doesn’t add up to two hours.
  200. > I wonder if Twilight will let me sleep in her bed again?
  201. Good thing you don’t want to have sex with ponies, otherwise that’d be a creepy thought.
  202. >"So your the new mysterious Pegasus who just arrived here."
  203. Here we see Celestia’s years of experience as a ruler, because she’s not freaking out in front of the abomination that has arrived to Equestria.
  204. >"I know who you really are Girokon, or should I call you by your real name, Lance."
  205. You know? If he was gonna say he worked as a guard. HE SHOULD HAVE KEPT HIS REAL NAME.
  206. >"Lance, I've know this day was coming for a long time. I knew you was going to arrive here in Equestria from your home, Earth."
  207. Please don’t let it be a prophecy.
  208.  
  209.  
  210.  
  211. >>Chapter 6 - Part 2
  212. >Those fan fictions I read all made her look and sound like a tyrant.
  213. So you’re breaking new ground by making her suck.
  214. >I hear you said you was a retired Royal Guard
  215. Finally! Now he’s going to have to face the consequ—
  216. >I can make you a Royal Guard, that retired. Would you like that?
  217. Oh, for fuck’s sake.
  218. >your not dangerous.
  219. I beg to differ.
  220. > I can get you one in Canterlot. But do you really think Twilight will make you leave her home? She's in love with you, and your in love with her.
  221. I cannot express how bad I feel for you, Twifags.
  222. >Giro! What did she want? I thought she was going to take you away!
  223. Twilight, don’t be crazy. How could you expect your wise mentor to do the logical, sensible thing?
  224. >She just came to tell me that I can have a house in Canterlot for being in the Guard
  225. Equestria treats its veterans much better than a few countries I have in mind.
  226. >Don't worry, I'm not leaving. I'll stay as long as you allow me to live here
  227. Oh, boy.
  228. >That's great! You can stay, I don't mind
  229. Of course you don’t. Nobody can resist his raw sex appeal.
  230. >She looked at the sandwich, then to me. A tear in her eye, "Thank you Giro. That's so sweet of you."
  231. Hey! Now we can show everything that’s wrong with Twilight in this fic with a single sentence!
  232. >I glanced at the title, 'Love and how it works.'
  233. This guy ‘ere. Master ‘o subtlety, I tell ya.
  234. >The animals outside was all playing with each other
  235. Were. Past form in plural of the verb “to be” Are you familiar with it?
  236. >Rainbow Dash looked at Fluttershy, "He is DIFFERENT! He's a weird, dangerous pony. I know he's hiding something, and I'm going to find out what it is."
  237. Finally somebody realises something is very wrong with the universe
  238. I can't believe it's only been six chapters. I already want to take out my brains with an ice cream spoon
  239.  
  240.  
  241.  
  242. >>Chapter 7 - Part 1
  243. >Chapter Title: Bronies in Equestria
  244. I need an adult.
  245. >What should I do today? I don't have to be at work for another seven hours, my job starts at twelve.
  246. Why the hell did you woke up at 5?
  247. >Well, I don't know about Pinkie Pie. The thought of spending seven hours with her makes me want to eat another poisoned cupcake. Applejack's also out, no farms for me.
  248. At least Pinkiefags and Applefags are safe. For now.
  249. >The main reason I hate farms is because of what my cousins did to me. Not something I like to think about.
  250. So that’s why the author is subjecting us to this shitfest! He was molested as a kid!
  251. >I walked over to a stand, which looked to sell only soap
  252. I wonder what’s the riveting tale behind this po—He was only introduced to tell Giro how to get to Carousel Boutique.
  253. >"Oh, I guess we could talk. What have you been doing today?"
  254. Rarity may not have any orders to make, but I’m sure she has other stuff to do besides speaking with Ponyville’s new abomination.
  255. > I can do it. But I'm sorry to tell you that you will have to pay.
  256. How does she dare? Charging a fee for her work.
  257. >"No darling, I can do it my self. But you must leave, I want to surprise you with it."
  258. Trust me; I don’t even have to take your measurements.
  259. >I'm sorry to act rude Giro, but I'm really excited about getting this suit made for you."
  260. Normally I wouldn’t think much of this line. But with this fanfic, I can’t help but feel that it’s foreshadowing for another romantic subplot.
  261. >Suddenly, a bright light engulfed me and I appeared in a large white room.
  262. Aliens? Tell me it’s aliens.
  263. >"I'm sorry Lance, but my sister had to meet you." Said a familiar voice from behind me.
  264. Please don’t drag Luna into this.
  265. >Luna rubbed her neck, "But I thought there was only one world, ours."
  266. You’re as old as Celestia, and I doubt that a thousand years in the moon would make you forget something like that.
  267.  
  268.  
  269.  
  270. >>Chapter 7 - Part 2
  271. >"And Lance, she's not using the traditional royal canterlot voice because she is trying to learn to speak like we do now."
  272. Lucky you, Kickass222urmom, that must be one big load of your back.
  273. >Luna actually calls Celestia Tia, just like in the fan fictions.
  274. I know right? It’s almost as if you were in one.
  275. > I remember reading that one called Princess Molestia.
  276. Just. Don’t.
  277. >She is so Trollestia.
  278. Fucking. Don’t
  279. >For the next five minutes, I stood there humming the 'Pony Anthem'.
  280. I mean it!
  281. >"So your a brony?"
  282. DON’T DO IT.
  283. > "Yes I am."
  284. Can we get Hasbro to C&D him? Just him?
  285. > there are four humans in Ponyville counting you.
  286. I’m going to take that the lack of panic means that the rest of the humans don’t look like our special snowflake of a protagonist.
  287. > But not all the humans brought here are bronies.
  288. This can only end well.
  289. > There are a lot of them who are not the kind of pony we approve of here
  290. Which is why I’ve let them stay.
  291. > "I need to figure something out. Does this mean anything to you, 'Rainbow is best pony'?"
  292. Oh, God. The other human is a Dashfag.
  293. > I smiled, "I already won over Twilight Sparkle."
  294. Can we at least send this to PinkiePony? I’m sure she’ll love this.
  295. > "I may be able to get you to stay at the library with me and Twilight."
  296. “Because I own the place”
  297. > you should be able to get Rainbow Dash easily, just be interesting.
  298. That was so obvious! Why didn’t I thought of that?
  299. > Mine’s David Why, do I need a pony name?
  300. So the other brony is slightly less autistic than ours truly. I hope he doesn’t become another shit character.
  301. > I'll think about one, but for now, I have a date with destiny, or pony.
  302. I spoke too soon.
  303. ...
  304. This fic suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks
  305.  
  306.  
  307.  
  308. >>Chapter 8 - Part 1
  309. >I walked out of the Cafe, a hundred and forty bits in my saddlebag.
  310. Meanwhile, minimum wage in the US is $7.25 per hour.
  311. >I started walking towards the library maybe David is there now. Or he may have went home with Rainbow Dash. I'll find out when I get there.
  312. No sense wondering about it now!
  313. >I looked him over, finally seeing him in full detail.
  314. Because when I met him this afternoon, I was staring at the sky.
  315. > I finally came up with a name for my self.
  316. Aaaand there’s another character that has been run to the ground
  317. >Whitemark.
  318. I’m pretty sure there’s a reason why the brown coated and brown maned pony chose that name.
  319. >"Because I have a small white mark under my wing, see."
  320. Or not.
  321. > Rainbow Dash was all over me when I got here, so I think you have a chance
  322. You’re getting my sloppy seconds and you’re going to like it.
  323. >"I know of a place where we can both live, or until you get your own place."
  324. Is this going to turn into a sitcom?
  325. >He must like books also. Great, now I'm not the only one here, besides Twilight, that likes books
  326. Thanks for clearing that up, I was confused for a second.
  327. >Tomorrow maybe? I don't have work tomorrow, so I think that will be the best time to go.
  328. Yeah, I’m sure my boss won’t mind if I go to a different city just after I started working.
  329. >"Okay, good. I'll just sleep down here on that couch." "No, you can sleep in the guest room. I'll be sleeping in Twilight's room."
  330. It’s a good thing this is Giro’s house. Otherwise this’d be an incredibly rude thing to do.
  331. >"He's a old friend of mine. Can he stay the night?"
  332. I thought he had already moved in.
  333. > "Hello Whitemark. My name is Twilight... "Twilight Sparkle, I know all about you!"
  334. This won’t make me look like a stalker at all!
  335.  
  336.  
  337.  
  338. >>Chapter 8 - Part 2
  339. >"Princess Celestia doesn't want us to tell the ponies about us and our world." “Sorry, I didn't know."
  340. I also lack the most basic social skills and common sense.
  341. >Rarity wants you to come to her shop. She said was that she had it ready for you.
  342. Man, Rarity sure is good. She managed to cram three days of work into a single afternoon.
  343. >"Hurry back Giro." With that, she kissed me on the cheek.
  344. I only get anything resembling character development when you’re near.
  345. >I kept smiling, "Just don't get her pregnant dude."
  346. Surely Rainbow Dash won’t get pregnant with the brony’s child.
  347. > Before I knew it, I slammed head first into the door of the Carousel Boutique. I stumbled back and landed on my flank. Why me?
  348. Because the author thought it’d be too much of a hassle to think of something to fill the space so he recycled the joke from a few chapters ago.
  349. >He looked disappointed, "Oh."
  350. Why am I not getting free things from strangers?
  351. >Oh god, why. Why Pinkie Pie!
  352. Yes, why must you drag everyone into the abyss?
  353. >Three hundred bits! What the hell has he come up with? "That much?!" Calm down Giro, David looks happy about the suit hes come up with, "Well, I can make that much in three days. Is it okay if I pay you then?"
  354. Sure, I’ve only known this guy for five hours, but he’s a brony! So I have to get indebted for him, it’s the least I can do.
  355. >Thing about it, what if they come here and we are dating their favorite pony. There could be a fight
  356. I’m sure good ol’ Giro will turn out to be an expert fighter.
  357. >"Well, first come first serve is what I say to that."
  358. I also think Zebras shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
  359. >I looked down at the ground to see that the dog had actually been writing in the dirt! The writing said, 'Are you two humans also?'
  360. Do you need help finding John Travolta?
  361. >Why are you a dog?
  362. Why are you a zebra/Pegasus/bat/whatever?
  363.  
  364.  
  365.  
  366. >>Chapter 8 - Part 3
  367. >'I want to see Twilight. I think I can win her over in this body.'
  368. Until she’s eventually revealed to be into interspecies, I don’t think you have a shot.
  369. >"Sorry, she's already with me." 'Oh, I wasn't fasten enough.'
  370. This reads like a feminist’s nightmare.
  371. > "You know Luke, your name doesn't fit a dog."
  372. Why not? Nobody says anything about Winona’s name.
  373. >"How about we call him Louie?"
  374. How is that more fitting for a dog?
  375. >"Getting ready for bed. I'm beat." She looked down at Louie, "Awww, who's dog is that?"
  376. “Mine. And before you ask, he’s staying here as well.”
  377. > He ran up to Twilight and started licking her face.
  378. Smooth, Luke.
  379. >"Louie, remember that me and her already together." "Buy you haven't asked me out yet."
  380. Twiligth, this isn’t so much a romance fic as it is a 50’s fantasy. You’re lucky to be speaking at all.
  381. > Twilight smiled sweetly and gazed deep into my eyes. She leaned forward, lips pursed.
  382. Again. I’m sorry Twifags.
  383. I will spare you the graphic kiss.
  384. >"Giro, I'm going to bed. You can sleep in my bed again if you want."
  385. Could it be? Will be able to get resolution on this unbearable sexual tension?
  386. >"Calm down there. I'll tell you all the details."
  387. How does that old saying go? About kissing and telling?
  388. >"Do the math. Me plus Twilight plus bed equals?"
  389. Memories that will be suppressed?
  390. ...
  391. Jesus Christ, this is horrible.
  392.  
  393.  
  394.  
  395. >>Chapter 9 - Part 1
  396. >Even Louie, who was in a saddlebag on David, had a sort of smile on his face.
  397. I’m shipping David and Louie. It’s the kind of stuff you have to do to keep sane while reading this.
  398. >"If this key works, its our house."
  399. I hope it is, I’ve already broke into five houses before this one.
  400. >"I think there's enough for all of us to stay here for a while."
  401. How fortunate that the house is big enough for two ponies and a dog.
  402. > Two ponies, a stallion and mare, walked up to us.
  403. I predict a civil encounter.
  404. >"My good sir, I am no troublemaker."
  405. You are indeed right, you don’t make troubles. They spontaneously appear around you.
  406. >"The princess gave you this house? How could you, a low class, get such an honor as to meet the Princess."
  407. It’s called bad writing, dear.
  408. >Louie smiled miscellaneously
  409. How the hell can a dog smile miscellaneously? How the hell does anybody smile miscellaneously?
  410. >He walked beside the mare and raised his left leg.
  411. Oh, boy. I wonder what he’s gonna do.
  412. >I removed the goggles and the two high class ponies looked at me in horror.
  413. Honey, look away else you contract Oceeditis!
  414. >Louie shook his head away from David's hoof, and began to paw at the ground. 'I'm not your pet.'
  415. You have to admire Luoie. He manages to carve messages on the dirt with only his paws in a matter of seconds. Meanwhile, I take an hour to get through every chapter of this shitfic.
  416. >The room was medium sized, with a king sized bed.
  417. I’m sure that’ll come in handy at some point.
  418. >I reached into it and pulled out a small knife.
  419. I want to believe I’m above such edgy jokes.
  420. >David took all my cash and bought himself a few things.
  421. As good friends won’t do.
  422. >I walked up to the outside of the door and cut my name into the door. 'Girokon's room.'
  423. “Hello, Lance. Now that you’ll be moving, I hope you can return the house in perfect conditions.”
  424.  
  425.  
  426.  
  427. >>Chapter 9 - Part 2
  428. >He looked up and me and put on a sort of troll face.
  429. That was completely uncalled for and doesn’t even make sense in context.
  430. >David walked out, "We need to go buy some things for this place."
  431. What, exactly, did you bought with all of Lance’s money?
  432. >"Rainbow Dash." David looked up, "Oh shit, I forgot all about here. I have to go like right now."
  433. ‘Here’ you forget. ‘There’ you would have remembered.
  434. >I looked around us as we walked. I then noticed something. Every pony here was high class!
  435. DYEWTS?
  436. >"What a sight! That thing should leave town as soon as possible. It has no place among us high class ponies."
  437. Discrimination is ok if it’s against horrible OC’s.
  438. >Typical. All high class people are the same, even here.
  439. We get it. They’re high class. Stop saying that in every sentence.
  440. > I walked up to the guards and put on a smile, "Hello, I am wanting to know if you would allow us to enter the courtyard of the palace?"
  441. I am not assassin. Me no suspicious. I am not wanting to harm Celestia.
  442. >their wings stopped me. "Nopony is allowed to enter unless invited."
  443. Amazing. Someone is doing their job. Speaking of which. Didn’you have one in a café? Did you quit?
  444. >"I am a retired Royal Guard and I need to enter."
  445. Disregard that I’m only seventeen years old, and that if I’m retired at this age, there’s no way I could have been very high ranked.
  446. > "Girokon? Did you say your name is Girokon?"
  447. Holy shit, seriously? Carl, come over here. This idiot says his name is Girokon.
  448. >"The Princess sent a message to Ponyville requesting your presents over an hours ago."
  449. So? Where are the presents? She likes imported chocolates.
  450. >"Yes. I sent some guards into the Everfree forest to find a human dragon."
  451. And by that I mean a human that became a dragon when he arrived to Equestria. I hope so.
  452.  
  453.  
  454.  
  455. >>Chapter 9 - Part 3
  456. >I just want you to go and see what you can do, and find out what happened to my Guards."
  457. “I can’t actually say that I want all of you dead, so I have to improvise.”
  458. >Its not a real dragon, just a human who wants to destroy everything
  459. Well, that’s a relief. Thankfully humans aren’t very destructive. Especially when they are huge and can breathe fire.
  460. >None of the guards will volunteer to go."
  461. See, I don’t want to force my guards, who have been trained all their lives to fight, to go against this dragon; so I chose you instead. I cannot express how much I want you dead.
  462. >"True, but they can't talk to it. You on the other hand can, since your a human like it was."
  463. Make sure to talk very loudly so he can hear you over the sound of his firebreath.
  464. >"WHAT! I'm not going to die on my fourth day here!' "Don't worry dude, you won't die. Its human remember." "Yeah, a pissed off human that's a dragon!"
  465. David is shaping up to be my favorite character in this madness. Though that’s not saying much. He’s that one piece of corn in the poop.
  466. >David looked up from Louie and at me. His face became one of shock and horror.
  467. And it’s in this moment that David realises that he’s been thrust into a tale of madness and mediocrity that he cannot escape.
  468. >It was red with a black under belly. It looked like the one out of the episode 'Dragonshy.'
  469. Predictions for the next 130 chapter of Living the Dream! A red six headed hydra (because six hundred and sixty six would be too much), a corrupted Cerberus that is red and black and a red Ursa Major.
  470. >"The names Malbatorus. Why are you searching for me."
  471. And over there is Grittonius the Chimera and Evilus the Manticore.
  472.  
  473.  
  474.  
  475. >>Chapter 9 - Part 4
  476. >He looked down, sad. "I didn't mean to destroy that village, I just sneezed and flames came out."
  477. Weird, I thought he’d be the one “they don’t approve” that Celestia mentioned. Obviously I expected too much from this fic.
  478. >"I was picked on back on earth. I though if I became the biggest thing here, I wouldn't be picked on anymore."
  479. Of course, emasculate the one character that had the potential to do anything even remotely interesting.
  480. > When I flew out, I saw David and Rainbow dash talking.
  481. The power of Rainbow Dash pulled David from the forest without anyone noticing.
  482. >I pulled out the notebook that Twilight gave me before I left for Canterlot. It has the words, 'Love Twilight,' written across the top.
  483. I need to remember to love Twilight, otherwise I’d forget.
  484. > Rainbow Dash held the notebook in her hoofs, smirking, "Is this special to you?"
  485. Remember all those times Rainbow Dash condoned and enforced bullying?
  486. > I smirked, "I have no intention in hurting her."
  487. I’m amazed he didn’t spout a “Nothing personnel, kid”.
  488.  
  489.  
  490.  
  491. >>Chapter 9 - Part 5
  492. > Damn it! I need to go faster! I pushed my self to the limit. I could still see that it was going faster than I was.
  493. I don’t like where this is going.
  494. > A scream of rage erupted from my lips and I felt the air around me start to bend. I felt myself pick up speed, a lot of speed.
  495. Nope. I don’t like it.
  496. > I could fill the wind going past me pick up speed and my skin felt like it was pilling off my muscles.
  497. Don’t do it. Please, don’t do it.
  498. > I could fill the wind going past me pick up speed and my skin felt like it was pilling off my muscles.
  499. No… No… No!
  500. > I felt myself spring forward, like I was shot out of a cannon, and pick up an impossible speed. A loud boom was heard behind me.
  501. Oh, for fuck’s sake!
  502. > I saw the notebook quickly nearing me, and I barely had time to reach out and grab it. I held it tightly in my mouth, it felt like my teeth was breaking from the pressure I was putting on the notebook.
  503. Rainbow Dash had to train all of her life, and even then it took Rarity’s life and three Wonderbolts for her to finally be able to pull a Sonic Rainboom. Giro does it after learning to fly four days ago.
  504. > What the.... Did I just do a sonic boom?!
  505. Suuure… Let’s call it that.
  506. > I looked at my hoofs, still there. I raised it to my face, and felt something wet. I pulled it back to see blood.
  507. And that’s how our dear protagonist suffered head trauma.
  508. > My vision was clear for a second, but it was enough time to see a pony in a purple suit and hat and a light black cape on. The pony had a mask pulled down over its face.
  509. If this is Mare-do-Well, I may have to punch somebody.
  510. > With that, everything stopped working and I passed out.
  511. Believe me. Everything stopped working a long time ago.
  512. ...
  513. I want to curl up in my shower and cry.
  514.  
  515.  
  516.  
  517. >>Chapter 10 - Part 1
  518. >Warmth. Crackling sound. Softness. No pain.
  519. That’s more tan what can be said about my brain after Reading 9 chapters of this.
  520. >Wait! I know who it was now. Mare Do Well.
  521. Wait! I know what this is now. A shitty fanfic.
  522. >So that leaves Pinkie and Applejack. But which one is it?
  523. Remember how earlier I said Pinkiefags and Applefags were safe? I was wrong.
  524. >"Okay Pinkie Pie, you can take off the mask." She shook her head.
  525. I hear you, MDW. If I was stuck with him I’d stay silent too.
  526. >"What? Not going to say anything?"
  527. You could learn a lot from her.
  528. >"I'm just loving this conversation."
  529. Surprisingly, so am I. Probably because she’s not giving you any chance to fuck things up.
  530. >Stubborn much?
  531. I know, right? It’s almost as someone who keeps talking to a person who doesn’t want to speak.
  532. >Damn, she is really in character.
  533. Well, at least someone is!
  534. >"Why are you not talking to me Pinkie? I already know its you. You can drop the secret identity act."
  535. Oh, fuck. It’s gonna be another OC, isn’t she?
  536. >Now, when I get back to town, should I head straight back to Canterlot or look around for the last brony?
  537. Didn’t Celestia say that there were four bronies including you?
  538. >Canterlot or search for brony?
  539. Brain damage through a stroke or a blunt hit to the head?
  540. > We stopped and looked over at the bushes. They stopped shacking. "Weird, I thought something was going to jump out."
  541. Don’t be silly, Giro. Does this look like a predictable, badly written fic to you?
  542. >I felt a heavy large object hit me in the side. Sending me sliding away from whatever it was and Mare Do Well.
  543. Quick, Mare Do Well, Run! Don’t let your name be sullied even more!
  544. >I looked back to the creature and gasped. A manticore!
  545. Called it.
  546. >I let out a sigh, I'm so going to die. I let my head slump back to the ground.
  547. Pfft. I wish.
  548.  
  549.  
  550.  
  551. >>Chapter 10 - Part 2
  552. >Why me? What have I done to deserve to die three times?
  553. This: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/851/living-the-dream
  554. > A large red clawed hand grabbed the manticore and lifted it into the air.
  555. At least the dragon is being useful.
  556. >It was Malbatorus! The brony dragon.
  557. And there it goes my feeble sense of hope. It was my fault really.
  558. >"Can you fly without your wings." I heard a crunching sound as the manticore's wings was broken.
  559. Here it is. The one remotely cool thing that could happen in the story…
  560. >He smiled proudly, "Any thing for a fellow brony."
  561. …and this is the price we had to pay. I don’t think it was worthy.
  562. >Twilight! She was the one being Mare Do Well this whole time!
  563. “One would have thought that I may have seen the horn, but they’d be wrong.”
  564. >"Do you think you can take us to the outside of Ponyville”
  565. “You, the ruthless dragon that has been terrorizing the Everfree and that the Princess herself has been trying to stop?”
  566. >"She's hurt, just taking her to Twilight's." The filly looked up at me, "Why Twilight's? Rainbow Dash's would be better."
  567. Hmmm… The neigh-omnipotent unicorn or the lazy Pegasus?
  568. >I walked into Twilight's room and laid her on the bed. I pulled down the mask again, revealing her cute face.
  569. Has it ever been stated if Giro has a sleep fetish?
  570. >I smiled. I nudged her with my nose, "Time to wake up Twilight."
  571. She was attacked by a manticore! Why the hell woul your no--?
  572. >She opened her eyes and looked up at me surprised, "What..."
  573. Of course.
  574. > She sat up and looked around, "How did we..." "I carried you."
  575. And the huge dragon carried me. But let’s focus on what makes me look cool.
  576.  
  577.  
  578.  
  579. >>Chapter 10 - Part 3
  580. >"Twilight, I'm confused. How did you know I was in trouble?" "Pinkie Pie told me I may want to be out near the pond near the Everfree forest dress as Mare Do Well. Now I know why she told me to go."
  581. I’m sure even Dave Polsky would cringe at your portrayal of Pinkie Pie
  582. >She stood up and smiled, "I have something for you."
  583. Is it headache medicine?
  584. >Twilight jumped up on top of me and held my hoofs down with hers, and she sat down on my stomach.
  585. WHEN I WRITE LIKE THIS AGAIN, IT WILL BE SAFE FOR TWIFAGS TO READ AGAIN. It won’t be safe for the rest of you either, but god damn it, if I went through this, so will you.
  586. > “Do what?" She leaned down and whispered into my ear, "Mate."
  587. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xat1GVnl8-k [Embed]
  588. > I can't have sex with a pony! Wait, why am I worried? I'm a pony now, this isn't wrong.
  589. Oh no, it is indeed wrong, but not for those reasons.
  590. >I smiled up at her, "If we do this, I'm on top."
  591. For a second there I thought you’d let Twilight do all the work.
  592. >I looked down to see my member hanging out. Where did that come from? I laughed a little, never even noticed it before.
  593. So you never bathed in the four days you’ve been here? Ew.
  594. > She shifted under me and looked up at me, "I'm ready." Am I ready? Hell yeah I'm ready. I looked her in the eyes, "Then get ready."
  595. Does he have ADD? She just said she’s ready!
  596. >This is going to be so fun.
  597. Allow me to doubt it.
  598. >A bright light flashed around me. I fell forward a little but caught my self. I looked around, the Princess's throne room.
  599. PRAISE THE SUN.
  600. > I looked down to see that my member was still hanging out, fully erect.
  601. I had a dream like this once.
  602. >I'm pissed! I was about to have sex with Twilight and then this!
  603. Why doesn’t the world revolve around my sexual mood!?
  604.  
  605.  
  606.  
  607. >>Chapter 10 - Part 4
  608. >Celestia looked at me, strangely,
  609. Yeah, how strange for Celestia to look at you after you appeared with a raging hard on in her throne room.
  610. >"You was about to mate with my most faithful student?!"
  611. You let a human stay with her in her house, and you admitted they were in love. What did you think would happen?
  612. >Shit! Lance, why did you just think about that! "Uhh, yes. But she's the one who wanted it. She started it."
  613. Bitch wus askin’ fo’ it, she was wearing tights!
  614. >Celestia laughed, "I see.”
  615. Boy, it’d be so easy to get away with things in Equestria.
  616. >"How did it go with the dragon. I hear its actually a nice brony."
  617. I assume David told her. And he didn’t tell her about Rainbow Dash stealing Giro’s journal. Or he making a Sonic Rainboom. Or he passing out near a lake. Wait, it’s been over a day, why are you only checking up on him right now?
  618. >"He is. It was just a misunderstanding is all."
  619. Because how could there be any kind of conflict in this story?
  620. >Luna stopped her, "Wait Tia, I want to walk him out."
  621. Please don’t tell me Luna also wants the hybrid’s D.
  622. >Celestia looked down at Luna, "Okay sister, just make sure you lead him the right way. Not to your room." She winked.
  623. She do.
  624. >She gulped, "Can I come to your house?"
  625. She DO.
  626. > "Why do you want to go to my house?" She looked to be thinking, "I want to see what a bronies house looks like." "It looks like any normal house." "I still want to see it."
  627. I wonder if he’s trying to be faithful to Twilight or he’s just that dense.
  628. >Fine, just hope David doesn't do something stupid, "Alright, fine."
  629. Nevermind.
  630. >The Guard shook his head, "I can not allow you to leave without a Royal escort." Luna frowned, "Fine, your coming with us."
  631. Is… is this going to turn into a threesome?
  632.  
  633.  
  634.  
  635. >>Chapter 10 - Part 5
  636. >"Lance, there you are!" He stopped and looked at the Princess and the Guard, "Why are they here?"
  637. Why didn’t you inform the Princess that Lance could be dead? I like you for that.
  638. >"Cool. Feel free to check out everything but my room.”
  639. Gold from Canterlot’s banks? A tied and gagged Rainbow Dash? Something completely stupid and inconsequential?
  640. > I've kind of picked up drawing and I don't think you'll like the drawings on the walls."
  641. Ding! Ding! Ding!
  642. >The Guard went to the front door and stood still. Yeah, protect a door that nopony will even enter.
  643. “Excuse me from guarding the MAIN ENTRANCE TO YOUR HOUSE. Idiot…”
  644. >After showing her all the rooms, except David's, she smiled, "Can I see yours again?"
  645. You already broke the Twifags, do you hate Lunafags as well?
  646. >She walked over to the bed and pushed down on it, "I like your bed, very comfortable."
  647. “And this, kids, is what in pony behaviour is known as being subtle.”
  648. >I walked over to it and tried to turn the nob, but it was stuck. Whats going on here?
  649. Why don’t you make a guess?
  650. >She smiled, "Where do you think your going?"
  651. Towards a mental asylum.
  652. >She smirked, "Who said you have a choice?"
  653. And that raises the number of mares that have tried to rape Girokon to 2.
  654. >"Not rape, just surprise sex."
  655. I’m serious, can we get Pinkie Pony on this?
  656. Long story short, Lance asks nicely and Luna leaves him alone
  657.  
  658. >David ran up the stairs to me, "Dude, what happened?" I looked at him, "I was almost raped, again." "Again?" I smiled, "I'll tell you later."
  659.  
  660. It’s about his current girlfriend, so I’m sure you should tell him now.
  661. >"Now let me see those drawings."
  662. Yeah, the buildup has been killing me.
  663. >"Really? You drew clop pictures, of the mane six."
  664. Well, what do you know. Davey here is an artist.
  665. >"Louie, you won't believe the day I've had."
  666. /mlp/ you won’t believe the crap I’ve read.
  667.  
  668.  
  669.  
  670. >>Chapter 11 - Part 1
  671. > The sex scene has been removed.
  672. There is a God. And he just mildly hates us.
  673. > Its been four days since the scene with Luna. I haven't seen her since
  674. Lunafags can breathe again.
  675. > A lot has happened over the last four days
  676. Spare us the details.
  677. > David finally was able to buy that suit he wanted made, thanks to me working my flank off.
  678. I’m liking David more and more with each chapter.
  679. > I haven't had a lot of time to spend with Twilight
  680. Truly something to be thankful.
  681. > but I told her I would make it up to her
  682. When will you make it up to us for sticking through all of this?
  683. > The princess did give us a reward. A pass to enter the Palace at any time and five hundred bits
  684. Seems a lot for basically doing nothing.
  685. > I haven't seen Rainbow Dash since she almost killed me, again. That is actually a plus in my book
  686. Yes, it’s mostly considered to be a good thing when you don’t see killers and would-be rapists.
  687. > The rest of the time I've been extremely busy. Working at the Café.
  688. You mean you commute from Canterlot to Ponyville every day? How is it that you don’t have time to see Twilight? You’re already there.
  689. > Looking for the last brony,
  690. If the last three are any indication, it’s not gonna be pretty.
  691. > But that's enough of a recap of events of the past few days
  692. If it prevents you from actually doing something, by all means, keep recapping.
  693. > I told David I was going for a walk, but I figured out that laying on a cloud was much more relaxing than walking.
  694. In other news, sleeping makes you feel rested much faster than running.
  695. > The wind picked up and the cloud began to move. Well, there goes my relaxation.
  696. Well, there goes another paragraph that was nothing but filler.
  697.  
  698.  
  699.  
  700. >>Chapter 11 - Part 2
  701. > I was met with the familiar stares from all the high class ponies. They all had the same look, disgust.
  702. You look like something Discord would make in his free time; of course they look at you with disgust. Oh, God. Is it going turn out that you were made by Discord?
  703. > Sooner or later, I'm going to snap.
  704. Ah, so that’s why this story has the gore tag, I thought it was because of all the people who blew their brains after reading this.
  705. > They view me as a freak, which is fine, but they should learn to move on.
  706. “But I will not learn to move on and ignore their stares.”
  707. > I laughed to my self, this would be the perfect time for 'Boulevard of broken dreams' to start playing.
  708. Really? Because I’ve been blasting death metal for an hour trying to elicit a response from my brain. I’ve failed so far.
  709. > Head to Ponyville and look for that last brony.
  710. At least you’re not going to spend time with the girlfriend for who you just lamented you didn’t have time.
  711. >Louie nodded and climbed into my saddlebag.
  712. So much for not wanting to be treated as a pet.
  713. > Fluttershy walked out of her house and took a deep breath. She exhaled and smiled brightly. A new day.
  714. Is nobody safe from your wretched claws, demonspawn?
  715. > She hadn't been to Ponyville for the past few days, because she still didn't know how to approach Giro.
  716. Surely this won’t mean what we all think it means.
  717. > In front of her stood a dragon. A full grown dragon!
  718. Someone who watched the show would know Fluttershy is scared of dragons.
  719. > The dragon smiled down at her nicely, "Hello, my names Malbatorus. I didn't mean to scare you."
  720. I just realised this guy made the bullied, beta kid a Flutterfag. Kudos for that.
  721. > First, lets check Sweet Apple Acres.
  722. Didn’t you hate farms, Giro?
  723. > Applejack looked over at me and smiled, "Well howdy there Giro. Ah haven't seen ya since ya got here."
  724. You luck just ran out.
  725.  
  726.  
  727.  
  728. >>Chapter 11 - Part 3
  729. > I smiled and my eyes went big. Idea forming. "Hey Applejack, where is Winona. I want Louie to meet her."
  730. If you’re gonna corrupt every character, at least tell me you’re going to ship Malbatorus and Spike.
  731. >"Well, ah reckon shes down near the barn. Here, Ah'll take you to her."
  732. Getting our pets to know each other is more important than working at my farm.
  733. > Winona looked past Applejack and over at Louie. A sort of smile appeared on her face.
  734. Poor dog. Poor, stupid dog.
  735. > Louie pushed her away with his head and sat down, defiantly
  736. It’s not as if you’re in a position to choose, mate.
  737. >"You do know that your a dog and don't have a chance with any pony, right? Besides, your a dog, shes a dog. So its not wrong."
  738. “We was gonna engage in bestiality anyway, you might as well try a different species.” Also, I’m pretty sure this is still wrong.
  739. > Then he smiled and turned to Winona. He barked a few times.
  740. I’ll pray for you, Winona.
  741. >"Have you seen any new ponies around town?"
  742. “Jarring color schemes? Alicorns? Fangs, bat wings or anything like that?”
  743. >"Down near Sugar Cube Corner. Two hours ago. And its a unicorn with a dull green coat and neon blue mane. Sorry, but that's all ah remember. But don't worry bout missing him, he looked like he was going to be there a while."
  744. I wonder if the fic will reach the point where it has so many OCs that it reaches critical mass and it implodes.
  745. > The crowd of ponies around me indicated it was lunch time. Not a good time to look for a brony.
  746. Alas, we continue our search for the furtive brony. The amount of people will surely scare the young specimen, whose social skills haven’t developed at all, so let’s keep looking.
  747. > Yeah, that's defiantly a human.
  748. I agree. This is defiant to everything that is a human being.
  749.  
  750.  
  751.  
  752. >>Chapter 11 - Part 4
  753. >"So let me guess. Brony?" He smiled, "Yep! And proud to be one."
  754. He’s the dangerous one. Kill him!
  755. > I laughed, "Aren't we all?”
  756. Quote offered without comment.
  757. > His mane was down to his neck and straight, and his tail was also straight.
  758. His hooves were totally gay, though.
  759. > He nodded, "Cool dude. Names Greg."
  760. Is he supposed to be a surfer or a stoner? Both?
  761. >"A pony name? I like." He put a hoof to his face and looked deep in thought, "Aha! I got it. Call me Mellow Haze, or Haze for short."
  762. Stoner. Gotcha.
  763. > “But there are thousands of other bronies in all of Equestria" "Dude! That's like... to many bronies."
  764. I agree, Greg.
  765. > He smirked, "Have you fucked a pony yet. Because I total have already."
  766. Brace yourselves.
  767. >"Dude... like I don't know. I think it was that... I don't know... She was like blue... but not on the show."
  768. Any Colgate fags around?
  769. >"Man, I need to learn to use magic. There's something I want to bring here."
  770. Twilight, we believe another dragon has taken residence near Ponyville. The huge cloud of smoke is even worse than the last time.
  771. >"Alright, just let me make a stop at Twilight's."
  772. “She loves when I offer her house to strangers!”
  773. >"Oh I see dude. Take the second best pony for your self."
  774. It’s a good thing they’re just objects and not real characters with personalities, otherwise this would be extremely sexist.
  775. >"Who's first?" He looked at me like the answer was obvious, "Damn dude! Pinkie Pie of course. That bitch can party."
  776.  
  777. Dis’ gon be a fun character.
  778. > I turned and started walking towards the library, "Come on Haze."
  779. I think I’m going to like this character. Anything that isn’t Giro is a relief.
  780. >"Dude. I so need to find that one pony. You know the one with... with the... I forget... Oh yeah, the one with the nice ass."
  781. That narrows it down
  782.  
  783.  
  784.  
  785. >>Chapter 11 - Part 5
  786. >"Rainbow Dash?” He nodded, "Yeah man, that one."
  787. Stick to one pony, dude. Conversely, stick it to just one pony.
  788. > God, why me?
  789. I’ve been asking that myself.
  790. >"Who's that? Giro, where do you keep finding all those new ponies?"
  791. I’m guessing that the comments section.
  792. >"Wow! Little dragon dude! Like.. can you breath fire and burn things."
  793. I don’t know if it’s just the overall mediocrity that surrounds him, but he’s actually kinda decent.
  794. Kinda.
  795. I hope it lasts.
  796. >"Shes not here Giro." I turned to him, "What? Where is she?" He shrugged, "I don't know. She left a few hours ago."
  797. Good to know all of that amounted to nothing.
  798. > Greg turned to me, "Dude.. I just noticed something!" I looked at him, "What?" "That dragon dude was Spiro!"
  799. How many franchises do you mean to destroy?
  800. > I looked up to see Louie running towards us, fast. He stopped in front of me and pawed at the ground quickly, 'We have to leave now! Its hard to explain but fly!'
  801. I think a story centered in Louie would be marginally better and more engaging.
  802. > I hate my life.
  803. I hate your life too.
  804. > Twilight walked into the Royal Throne room. She had been called here by the princess to discuss an important matter.
  805. I wonder what they’ll talk about.
  806. >"I want to talk to you about your friend Girokon."
  807. Of course. I forgot who was the center of the universe.
  808. >"There's a secret I've kept for many years. And hes part of it."
  809. God damn it. There is a prophecy.
  810. >"You are going to need to accept this, because if you don't, you may not want to see Giro again."
  811. Celestia, stop implying anyone here has rational decision making skills.
  812.  
  813.  
  814.  
  815. >>Chapter 11 - Part 6
  816. > It was hard flying with Greg on my back, and he didn't help by moving around a pointing at every thing. If I hear, 'Dude, I could so tap that' again,I'm going to scream.
  817. Greg. The high point of Living the Dream.
  818. > As I began to fall asleep, I heard my window pop open.
  819. Please tell me someone has come to assassinate him.
  820. > I looked over to see Twilight climbing in.
  821. Twilight is so desperate for the D that she has forgotten how to use doors.
  822. > She looked over at me and smiled, "Hey Lance." "Hey Twil..." Did she just say Lance! "How do you know..."
  823. I hope she doesn’t turn his name into a dick joke.
  824. >"The Princes told me. I know everything about you and your race now." This doesn't change the way I look at you. In fact, its made me more into you."
  825. How could our beloved character have any kind of flaws?
  826. > She then smiled miscellaneous
  827. What’s with these characters and their miscellaneous smiles?
  828. >"You seem to forget. I'm on top remember." She kissed my neck. "Not this time, you had you chance on top."
  829. And your mentor and goddess intervened; you should take that as a sign.
  830. >"You ready for this?" she asked.
  831. No.
  832. > I chuckled slightly, "Lets find out."
  833. Please don’t.
  834.  
  835.  
  836.  
  837. >>Chapter 12 - Part 1
  838. > I awoke with a smile on my face.
  839. Which is more than what can be said about me.
  840. > But the best part is waking up with my lover next to me, snuggled up close and hoof over my chest.
  841. I feel your pain, Twifags.
  842. > That was my first time, and with a pony! I don't care, still felt great.
  843. And I’m sure you did an excellent job regardless, right?
  844. > She blushed, "Last night was interesting."
  845. In the same way that the experiments the Nazis did were interesting.
  846. >"It sure was. I wouldn't mind doing it again sometime."
  847. I would mind.
  848. >"We can go back to Ponyville, I have nothing to do today."
  849. We can safely assume he quit his job at the café. Not that anyone cared.
  850. >David nodded, putting on a smirk, "I heard you and Twilight last night."
  851. David is more of a man than I am. I would probably be huddled in my room, crying myself to sleep.
  852. >"Dude, I heard her screams and moans through the walls. I also heard you moaning."
  853. This is completely acceptable behavior for someone who has only known you for less than a week.
  854. > David smiled and laughed loudly, "Oh yeah. I have something you don't."
  855. A personality even marginally interesting?
  856. > He turned his flank to me to reveal a... Cutie mark! It was a paint brush with a canvas next to it.
  857. If his talent is painting, there’s always the chance that he gave himself that.
  858. > And I'm still a blank flank, "I'll have one soon." "What are you good at then?"
  859. Making me cringe.
  860. > Greg's eyes popped open. Where Am I?! Did I forget to... Oh that's right. I'm in magic talking pony land, sweet.
  861. Can we make him the main character?
  862. > Wow man! What was I doing last night? That's right, learning magic to bring my magic plant here.
  863. His fried brains are the only thing preventing him from realising the horror that surrounds him.
  864.  
  865.  
  866.  
  867. >>Chapter 12 - Part 2
  868. > A white mare walked up to him and looked at him strangely, "I do say, but what are you doing here in Canterlot.'
  869. Giving us a chance to not talk about Giro.
  870. >"Right in the head? I think... I think I should be asking you if you was... what was that again... Shit! Oh that's right... How much for five minutes?"
  871. A woman talked to me? Must be a prostitute.
  872. >"Here, that should cover it... you don't look like your worth more than that."
  873. Ladykiller.
  874. > Winona paced back and forth. She stomped and stomped her paws against the ground. Stupid Louie, doing that and running away. How dare that mutt! She stopped her paws again and barked loudly. If I have pups, I'm sending them all his way!
  875. I’m gonna asume he would have done the same to Twilight. It would have been a better destiny.
  876. > Greg stood in the library of Lance's home, holding the purple plant the book said would increase a unicorns powers and give them all knowledge of magic for a short time.
  877. Is this plant’s scientific name McGuffinius Arborea?
  878. > Oh wait a second, whats this strange feeling in my stomach! I think its... its. A pop came from behind him. Greg started laughing crazily. Awww man, just gas.
  879. What does it say about your work that a fart joke is the most interesting thing that has happened?
  880. > His head started to spin out of control. Wow man, it feels like I'm high.
  881. The funny thing is that Greg doesn’t say this. The narrator does.
  882. > The plant glowed and disappeared for a second. It reappeared as something a different kind of plant. Marijuana.
  883. This is the dawn of a new age for Equestria.
  884. > I brought blunts here to! I can now have an endless supply of them.
  885. Because why the hell not.
  886. > Awww, there goes my magic pony powers. But at least I have the weed!
  887. Greg deals with being trapped in a terrible fanfic through drugs.
  888.  
  889.  
  890.  
  891. >>Chapter 12 - Part 3
  892. > I looked in the room to see Greg, a blunt in his mouth. Where the hell did you get that?! "Greg! Where did you get that thing?!"
  893. Buddy, it’s a good thing that you think before you speak, but why do we have to read it?
  894. > I knew I should have locked the library last night. "Greg, put it out. Its unhealthy for you."
  895. Narc.
  896. > I shook my head and walked in, "Give it."
  897. Don’t take away the only thing that lets him cope with this horrible universe, you monster!
  898. > He looked up at me dazed, "You'll have to dig it out." He said as he swallowed the blunt, still light.
  899. Is it just me or that line implies Lance is going to have to dig out the blunt out of his stool?
  900. > If only I was watching where I was going. The smoke must have made me sort of high,
  901. That’s not how it—Forget it.
  902. > because I didn't see the stairs coming up.
  903. Good.
  904. > David ran out of his room and looked down, "Shit man! You okay."
  905. I think I must have seen five question marks since this fic started.
  906.  
  907.  
  908.  
  909. >>Chapter 12 - Part 4
  910. > EARTH: INTENSIVE CARE UNIT, NEW YORK CITY.
  911. And we became a script now. Wait. Didn’t Earth get destroyed in the Mayan Apocalypse? Also, I don’t want Lance in Equestria, but I don’t think I want him here, either.
  912. > I put my hands to my face... HANDS!
  913. And just like that, my hopes that this would come full circle and become a Pony in Earth fic have been dashed.
  914. >"Lance! Your awake!" Said a familiar voice.
  915. What? What happened to my awake? Is it ok? I know it’s an obvious pun , but it’s the kind of thing I have to do to keep from losing my last traces of sanity.
  916. > I looked over to see Jane. But how? "What the..."
  917. Hey, it’s Jane! You guys remember Jane, right? Boy, with all that Lance has told us about Jane, I can’t wait to finally meet this character.
  918. > She put her hand on my back, "I know, you want to know what happened."
  919. Actually no, not really.
  920. >"When we was at the party, you fell back laughing when the clock struck twelve. But you didn't get back up. Luckily, you was just in a sort of coma."
  921. Luckily it was ONLY a coma.
  922. > How could all that be a dream.
  923. More like a nightmare, but go on.
  924. > If that's true, then I don't want to live. I want to go back to Equestria!
  925. Yeah! Screw my friends and family!
  926. > A weird feeling came over me, like everything around me was sped up.
  927. Nah, you’re just slow.
  928. > A voice, sweet and loving echoed through the room, "Lance, please be okay."
  929. Oh, God. It’s Twilight’s voice.
  930. > Again the same voice echoed through the room, "Lance, I found out something. Please wake up soon."
  931. Are they gonna pull a “Love can trump dimensions”?
  932. > The feeling appeared again, this time more distressed, "Please, please wake up. I love you."
  933. Damn it. They will.
  934.  
  935.  
  936.  
  937. >>Chapter 12 - Part 5
  938. > I walked to the window and looked down. Ten stories up huh?
  939. If you are looking down, why are you counting the stories up?
  940. Five and a half paragraphs of crying later, Lance jumps out of the window.
  941. > My body hit the concrete, but no pain was felt.
  942. Sadly. I want to believe that now there’s no way for him to go back to Earth, but I know they’ll find a way.
  943. > EQUESTRIA: PONYVILLE MEDICAL CENTER.
  944. And we’re back to Script mode.
  945.  
  946. > I felt my self coming to, like I was asleep for days.
  947. Inter dimensional soul travel is very taxing
  948. > Where am I? Please don't tell me I survived that fall.
  949. “I really hope I died!”
  950. > She pulled back, a smile of joy on her face, "You was in a coma for awhile." "How long is a while?" "Almost two months."
  951. I’m sure everyone else’s life weren’t put on hold waiting for Lance to come out of his coma, and actually got things done.
  952. > She then sat back and looked uneasy. I looked at her, "Whats wrong Twilight?"
  953. My cheap-emotional-twist sense is tingling.
  954. > She gulped, "Lance, I have to tell you something the doctors told me a month ago."
  955. Brace yourselves.
  956. > What could it be? "What did they say?"
  957. Why don’t you take a guess?
  958. > She nodded and looked me in the eyes. "I'm pregnant."
  959. I felt a great disturbance in the Fandom, as if thousands of Twifags suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.
  960.  
  961.  
  962.  
  963. >>Chapter 13 - Part 1
  964. > Twilight's pregnant?!
  965. Go figure, the sex ed teachers at my Catholic school were right, one time is enough.
  966. > I don't know how to raise a family. Well, it can't be harder than keeping a dog.
  967. That’s Father of the Year material, right there.
  968. > I just realized that me and Twilight are going to have a kid
  969. I hope he’s not like either of you.
  970. > My thoughts was interpreted by my door opening.
  971. Indeed, who’d make a better psychoanalyst than an opening door?
  972. >"Dude, you knocked up... that one pony... Twilight I think... Yeah Twilight."
  973. “I found out a month ago, but I’ve spent all this time trying to make my way to the hospital”
  974. > He laughed crazily, "Hell yeah man." He said as he left my room.
  975. And that was his entire contribution to the scene.
  976. > I waited a few seconds and headed for the door. I have something I must do.
  977. Several things, actually. I’ve been out of the loop for two months.
  978. > David looked at Stormy Vision, a brony. His real name was Zane. He and Greg had ran into him a few weeks ago while looking through the Whitetail forest for Louie's pups.
  979. We spent four paragraphs waiting for Lance to jump out of a window. Be happy that we recap all that happened to you in half of one.
  980. > they all had a pup of their own now.
  981. Woe is you, Winona! Your honor has been sullied.
  982. > Back to Zane.
  983. Great, let’s see what this new, and not-at-all gimmicky OC will have for us. Surely at this point they’ll be characterized beyo--
  984. > He was a light black Pegasus
  985. I’m not even going to bother with the rest of the description.
  986. > Zane looked over at David, "When will I get to meet Lance?"
  987. And the first words out of his mouth are about Lance.
  988.  
  989.  
  990.  
  991. >>Chapter 13 - Part 2
  992. > David shrugged, "I have no idea. When ever he stays at home for more than five minutes. If you want to see him, I suggest going to Ponyville and wait for him to appear."
  993. I thought Greg was the stoner.
  994. > Zane nodded, "Anything I should know about him?"
  995. He has the personality of a cloud. Every mare he meets wants him inside of her, looks like a glitch in a Pony Generator.
  996. > Also, don't ask him to take off his goggles.
  997. They don’t really do anything, but it’s uncomfortable to look at them.
  998. >"If you say so." Zane turned towards the door, "Well, I'm off. I have a date."
  999. Of course you do.
  1000. > The door opened to reveal Rainbow Dash. She looked at me and glared, "Why are you here? I though I made it clear I didn't want to see you."
  1001. How dare you come see me after I tried to rape you, tried to cripple Twilight, killed you, insulted both of you, stole your journal, almost destroyed said journal, and left you for dead after you crashed the ground after a Sonic Rainboom? The nerve…
  1002. > I wouldn't call it a Sonic Rainboom since it didn't resemble a rainbow.
  1003. It didn’t? You were a bit hazy on the details. And the rest.
  1004. > "Oh yeah. What would you call it then?"
  1005. Don’t tempt him Dash.
  1006. >"A Shadow Blast."
  1007. I’ve always considered myself a peaceful person. Until his fic came along!
  1008. > She rolled her eyes,
  1009. You and me both, sister.
  1010. > “Why are you here?” I held out my hoof, "To apologize to you and to say I'm sorry.”
  1011. At last, we can finally close this subplot and never, ever talk about it aga—
  1012. > "Apology accepted." She shook my hoof, "Only if you give me a kiss."
  1013. “Of course she still wants Lance! All of this hate towards him was just because she didn’t know how to express her love! Just like the girls in school” –Kickass222urmom, most likely.
  1014. > If I want her off my back, this is the only way. "Fine."
  1015. I see no way in which this could backfire.
  1016.  
  1017.  
  1018.  
  1019. >>Chapter 13 - Part 3
  1020. > She smiled, like she knew I would say yes. She leaned forward, lips pursed.
  1021. Weren’t you dating David?
  1022. > Its worth it Lance, its all worth it in the end. I leaned forward and gave her a two second long kiss.
  1023. I’m sorry for you as well, Dashfags.
  1024. > She pulled back, grinning
  1025. Seems like something you should have done, Lance. Hey, oh! I’m sorry, this is messing with my brain.
  1026. >"Come in Giro." She waved me in.
  1027. You already kissed her. Just get out of there.
  1028. > I walked in and looked around her house.
  1029. Are there no depths to which you won’t sink?
  1030. > She smiled, a smile full of lust, "Follow me."
  1031. Ok, you already know her intentions. Get the hell out of there.
  1032. > Damn it, again!
  1033. You can’t call it rape if you go in willingly.
  1034. > Twilight stood in the library, reading a book about parenting. She smiled to her self.
  1035. Hey, Lance! Remember Twilight? The mare you love? The one you knocked up?
  1036. > This book makes being a parent sound so exciting and fun.
  1037. That’s how they trick you in, Twi. You should know better.
  1038. > She closed the book and thought of Lance, her lover and soon to be husband. If he purposed.
  1039. Twi, Twi. Haven’t you learned? Lance has no purpose whatsoever.
  1040. > Twilight's smile faded. She had left Lance all alone in Canterlot, right after finding out she was pregnant.
  1041. “I’ve been next to you this whole time, Lance, believe me. Oh, you’re fine. See ya!”
  1042. > She bit her lower lip, she would need to do something to fix that.
  1043. Hey! Pregnant Pone General? You may like where this is headed.
  1044. > I ran down the hall and jumped through a door. I twisted around and slammed it shut.
  1045. That won’t let her know where you are. Nope, not at all.
  1046. > The door flew open and in walked Rainbow Dash, a lustful smile on her face, "Come on Giro. You know you want to taste me."
  1047. Your attempts at humour do not make this any less painful, Dash.
  1048.  
  1049.  
  1050.  
  1051. >>Chapter 13 - Part 4
  1052. > I do.. Lance! Bad boy! Remember Twilight!
  1053. Yes, remember the mare you knocked up-
  1054. > She laughed in a sexy voice, "Yes you do." She said as she backed me into a corner.
  1055. He’s such a wuss, no wonder every mare wants a piece of him.
  1056. > A light flashed around me, forcing me to close my eyes. When I opened them, I was happy to see that I was in the library.
  1057. Cockitus Blockitus!
  1058. > I turned and smiled, "Twilight, you forgot to say bye when you left."
  1059. Wait, so she just said “I’m pregnant” and left?
  1060. > I nuzzled her neck, "Is there anypony here?" She shook her head, "Spike is at Rarity's helping. Why?"
  1061. Oh, god damn it…
  1062. > I winked, "I think you know why."
  1063. Sadly, I do.
  1064. > Greg took a drag from is blunt and laughed. "Awww yeah! That is the stuff."
  1065. Let us take a moment to thank Greg for sparing us the pain of witnessing a sex scene.
  1066. > A pup sat in front of him, wagging its tail. The pups name was Weedy
  1067. Of course it is.
  1068. > Greg smiled down at Weedy, "Dog, you want some?"
  1069. Why the hell are you offering marihuana to your dog. Also, why did you name him Weedy if you’re just gonna call him dog?
  1070. > Weedy took a few puffs front the blunt. Causing Greg to go crazy with laughter.
  1071. Oh, right. That’s why.
  1072. > Weedy nodded and took another puff from the blunt.
  1073. And thus, we witness the enthralling emotional bonding of a pony-man and his puppy through drugs.
  1074. > Weedy nodded lazily, becoming high.
  1075. Greg’s drugs are so powerful they don’t get you high. They TURN you high.
  1076. > David came down the stairs and looked at them. "Greg! What are you doing?! Giving a dog marijuana!
  1077. How uncharacteristic of you!
  1078. > David shook his head, "At least my pup isn't like yours."
  1079. I guess they can’t all be winners.
  1080.  
  1081.  
  1082.  
  1083. >>Chapter 13 - Part 5
  1084. > David smiled, "Play the drums. I'm already teaching him so we can set up a sort of band."
  1085. Are we getting a subplot with David and his dog touring Equestria Will they be called David & Bowie?
  1086. > I walked out of the library, a smile on my face.
  1087. Thankfully we skipped all the de-
  1088. > Twilight was learning, she knew a lot more about sex now. She must be reading a book or something.
  1089. Damn you! Damn you to the deepest corner of hell!
  1090.  
  1091.  
  1092.  
  1093. >>Chapter 14 - Part 1
  1094. > Greg fell back laughing, his blunt falling out of his mouth. Weedy sat on the ground, still puffing his blunt.
  1095. Are they supposed to be an even more stoned version of Shaggy and Scooby?
  1096. > Ponyville, or to be more specific, out side the entrance to Sugar Cube Corner. "Weedy, how did we get here?
  1097. I’m sure it’s an awesome story that won’t be recounted here.
  1098. > Greg looked down and smiled, "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
  1099. That the more OC’s this guy introduces to his story the less we’ll have to see of Lance?
  1100. > Wait! A box with Weedy's name on it. That must be it. Greg popped the lid off and smiled, "That's pure awesomeness right there."
  1101. A collar that holds his blunts for him?
  1102. > He pulled out a hat, or known on earth as a fedora—
  1103. I can’t. I just can’t.
  1104. >"Lance sure knows what we like huh Weedy?"
  1105. I knew you had something to do with this, you bastard.
  1106. > Greg placed the fedora on Weedy's head, the sun glasses on his eyes, the scarf around his neck, and then put the jacket on him.
  1107. Damn you, Kickass222urmom! I liked Greg!
  1108. > Greg begin to notice that a certain pink pony was following them, trying to stay out of sight.
  1109. This fanfiction has broken me to the point where I’m ok with PinkieHaze Mostly due to the name.
  1110. >"Hey there! I've never seen you before! Ow who's this? Why is he wearing those super duper clothes?! I like them, I want some like that! Ow ow, whats that in your mouth? It smells funny. But I kinda like it! The smoke coming off it makes my head go, whoa whoa!" She said as she spun her head around and around.
  1111. Even then, I don’t think I’m ready for a Mellow Pie.
  1112. >"Wow bitch, you talk fast. I can barely keep track of your words."
  1113. Smooth as always, Greg.
  1114.  
  1115.  
  1116.  
  1117. >>Chapter 14 - Part 2
  1118. > He was loving the vibe this pink pony was giving off. "Party! Man I love parties, I could party all day long. As long as there's plenty of alcohol and bitches!"
  1119. I see it now. All along this was an experiment to corrupt the Mane 6.
  1120. > Pinkie's eyes went wide, even wider than they was a second ago, "Party! We must have a party!"
  1121. Does anyone remember PARTY.MOV? I hope that’s not what this guy is aiming for.
  1122. > Malbatorus smiled. Things had turned out pretty well for him over the last month.
  1123. Of course they did.
  1124. > Him and Fluttershy was great friends. The ponies was no longer scared of him.
  1125. Why see how a dragon slowly helps Fluttershy break her barriers and get over her fear of dragons, and the blossoming relationship between the two of them, when you can just skip to the end?
  1126. > And best of all, he can go any where he wants now.
  1127. You’re a huge dragon that the army feared. I’m sure nothing was stopping you before.
  1128. > she was pretty cute and sweet. The kind of girl he always wanted back on earth but could never get due to the popular kids taking all of them
  1129. I’m starting to notice a trend with these OC’s
  1130. > She smiled up sweetly to him, "I'm so happy your here to help. It use to take me so long to bring all the food from Ponyville all the way here." Malbatorus patted his muscles, "Yeah, I'm just that strong."
  1131. Applejack and Rarity are still free. Who wants to bet who gets shipped first? My money is on Applejack.
  1132. > The music! It was awesome! That DJ is awesome, she can really make a beat.
  1133. Nobody is safe.
  1134. > Weedy walked out of the back room, followed by another small dog.
  1135. Even the secondary dog is getting some. Makes you wonder about the author’s sex life.
  1136. > David smiled, he loved this dog. It could play the drums like a pro, and easily draw small pictures.
  1137. His dog is more talented than half of the people I know.
  1138.  
  1139.  
  1140.  
  1141. >>Chapter 14 - Part 2
  1142. > Cody looked down at Ponyville, directly at a building with music and lights flooding from it.
  1143. Another OC? Thank God, it has already been a whole chapter since we didn’t develop the last one that was introduced.
  1144. > Cody wasn't a brony,
  1145. So far so good!
  1146. >he hadn't chosen this world just because he liked it, he was on a mission. He was a green Pegasus, with a blood red mane and tail.
  1147. But he still likes it? Is one of those that is in denial?
  1148. > He grinned to himself, "I wonder if Lance is down there?
  1149. And of fucking course he is somehow related to Lance
  1150. > thanks to a few unlucky ponies, I now know he lives in this town."
  1151. Ouch, ouch, it’s cutting me just from reading it.
  1152. > Cody and Lance may not know each other,
  1153. Are you sure? Because you seem to imply that Cody does know Lance.
  1154. > they met once. On an unlucky night in New York.
  1155. Oh, boy. Here comes the dark and gritty past.
  1156. > Lance may not know this, but he ruined Cody's life. It could have been an accident, but Cody would remember that day for the rest of his life. You don't forget the guy who pretty much killed your whole family!
  1157. Isn’t Lance seventeen?
  1158. > It was New Years Eve, 2011.
  1159. There you go.
  1160. > Cody had come to New York City to see his dieing aunt, who want him to come to her and pick up his inheritances, over fifty thousand dollars.
  1161. And how old is Cody?
  1162. > His family was poor, couldn't even pay the bills. This forced his father to look for a job
  1163. Poor bastards.
  1164.  
  1165.  
  1166.  
  1167. >>Chapter 14 - Part 3
  1168. Long, rambling backstory short. Cody’s dad is poor as hell, so he did the only logical thing to do and went to a loan shark for 60 grand. So this kid asked his dying aunt to give him his inheritance in advance.
  1169. Prick.
  1170. > After he had visited his dieing aunt, he had left for the hotel he was staying at.
  1171. He’s following the time-honored tradition of not using banks or any other kind of financial transaction. In fact, why didn’t your aunt did this? She’s still alive.
  1172. > Cody stopped and looked down the ally, surprised to see a man holding a teenager at gun point.
  1173. If you’re going through a city in which this kind of thing is common, why the hell did you not go to a bank?
  1174. > Cody had ran towards the man, surprising him. After a brief struggle, the man had knocked Cody off him, and ripped off his jacket.
  1175. He ripped his jacket!? Truly this is the cause of the vendetta he has against Lance.
  1176. >"Names Cody Benson." The teen reached out and shook his hand, "Lance Greenfield."
  1177. Not Deathfield? McCoolface? O’Hugecock?
  1178.  
  1179.  
  1180.  
  1181. >>Chapter 14 - Part 3
  1182. > Cody smiled and rubbed his shoulder. He went to check the pocket of his jacket for the check. But his jacket wasn't on him, the man had torn it off him.
  1183. Oh, it was a check? Thank goodness, now you just have to ask your aunt to write ano--
  1184. > Cody, full of rage, punched the wall. Breaking two of his knuckles. Thanks to his kindness, he just killed his parents. No, he didn't kill them. That kid Lance is the one to blame.
  1185. But… the check was made to your name, right? At least your father’s name, I sup—
  1186. > His father was found dead in his car, out side his failing business. A single hole in his head.
  1187. Are you kidding me!? Did she make a freaking carrier check? How the hell did you lost the money?
  1188. > He was going to enjoy watching Lance suffer. It is going to be a slow and painful death for him.
  1189. Why? Because you can’t figure out the financial system?
  1190. > Cody laughed, a horrible laugh that sent chills through the ponies below who heard it.
  1191. Oh, I get it. You’re supposed to be so over the top stupid that we feel compelled to side with Lance.
  1192. Well it ain’t working.
  1193.  
  1194.  
  1195.  
  1196. >>Chapter 15 - Part 1
  1197. > I sat down, the party around me in full swing. All the ponies dancing and having a good time.
  1198. I don’t think it’s fair that they’re the only ones having a good time.
  1199. > All the bronies I've found are here, Greg, Zane, Louie, but not David or Malbatorus. David had stayed home with his dog Leonardo.
  1200. What happened in these two months? How did Rainbow Dash and David broke up? How the hell are we supposed to feel about Zane? What happened to the other puppies? Where’s that dra—
  1201. > Malbatorus was at Fluttershy's last I heard.
  1202. Should have guessed.
  1203. > Zane was new, well new to me. David said they've known him for a few weeks now. Zane was a nice guy, always polite, but also fun to be around.
  1204. Welcome to Kickass222urmom’s school of characterization. First, say dome vague things about the appearance of the character in question. For full depth, add a word or two about his “personality”. Then, spend the rest of the story ignoring these traits and just make them do whatever fits the story.
  1205. > I have to admit, this place just keeps getting better and better.
  1206. For a given value of “better”.
  1207. > Louie gave me one of his pups also, but I can't remember where he ran off to. I haven't even named him yet.
  1208. Hey, remember when he said that raising a child would be kind of like taking care of a dog?
  1209. > Zane walked over to me, "Lance, I need your help. Could you sign this so I can enter the palace? I want to talk to the Princess."
  1210. Sure, I have a special permit to visit the Princess whenever I want, and could probably help you get an appointment, but I’ll let you do it yourself.
  1211. > Zane walked up to the door and opened it, but as he was starting to walk out, a green Pegasus with a dark red mane pushed past him.
  1212. Oh, Cody McGritterson is here.
  1213.  
  1214.  
  1215.  
  1216. >>Chapter 15 - Part 2
  1217. > She looked uneasy, "Sugarcube, have you noticed Twilight's belly is kinda, bigger?"
  1218. “Are you calling my mare fat?”
  1219. >"Cause, ah have a hunch that sees pregnant. By you."
  1220. Oh, no. Applejack’s traditional upbringing will clash with Twilight and Lance’s situation. But a calm and heartfelt chat will surely show that what matters is that—
  1221. > Applejack laughed, "Don't ya worry. Ah'm not judgin you or anything. Ah think its great you two are together and have a filly on the way."
  1222. Why do I even try to help you?
  1223. > I turned to see the green Pegasus who had knocked Zane out of the way. "Are you Lance?"
  1224. Ok, LtD. Prove to me that you can’t be all around sucky. Show me some action.
  1225. > He smiled, a sort of disturbed smiled. "Great, I need to speak to you. Privately."
  1226. See, he is suspicious because his smile was disturbed. Everyone knows decent people smile miscellaneously.
  1227. > I followed. Who is he and what does he want?
  1228. I’m sure this’ll be at least partially worth the pain. Let’s see them beat the—
  1229. > Aaron edged his way towards the DJ, Vinyl Scratch. He was nervous, very nervous.
  1230. OH, COME ON!! How many OC’s does this need? I don’t mind you using so many, but at least develop the last two you’ve introduced before cramming more!
  1231.  
  1232.  
  1233.  
  1234. >>Chapter 15 - Part 3
  1235. > Aaron was a brony. Just arriving in Ponyville in search of one pony, Vinyl. A pony he admired as a human, but now that he's here, he was determined to meet her.
  1236. A brony, that was to be expected. And he likes Vinyl. So that’s another one down. Now let’s see what makes Aaron different.
  1237. > Aaron was a black coated Pegasus with a red mane. Brown eyes and a blue snot.
  1238. God? Are you there? It’s me, I know I don’t talk to you very often. And I’m sure you don’t appreciate that I’m using this partially for comedic effect. But I just want to get this off my chest. This is hard. This gets progressively worse as I keep reading. With every paragraph I find new lows, and I don’t think I’m strong enough. I know this is hard for you as well. You’re a Twifag, you told me so. Please just give strength to hold myself together.
  1239. >"Names Vinyl Scratch, a.k.a DJ PON-3. And you are?" Aaron smiled, happy to be talking to the pony hes always wanted to meet, "I love the name. Mines Aar... I mean Nightwing ."
  1240. Fuck you, God! I’m becoming a Buddhist.
  1241. > Aaron nodded, a furious blush on his face, easily seen due to his black coat.
  1242. Wouldn’t a black coat make it HARDER for someone to notice a blush?
  1243. > She smiled again, causing Aaron's blush to intensify, "I can tell you want to ask me something. So, what is it?"
  1244. Can you be romantically interested in me despite me not showing any desirable trait whatsoever?
  1245. >"Ummm." He gulped, loudly, "Would you like to go on... on a... on..." She finished his sentence, "On a date?"
  1246. People with no guts and low self-esteem, they’re the alphas of this world. I tell ya’.
  1247. >"There's a Cafe down the street. We could go there tomorrow."
  1248.  
  1249. Isn’t there where Lance works/worked? I smell shenanigans incoming!
  1250. > Aaron walked around the party, a stupid smile on his face. Life was good.
  1251. You’re right. It ‘was’ good.
  1252.  
  1253.  
  1254.  
  1255. >>Chapter 15 - Part 4
  1256. > I walked out of the building, right behind the green Pegasus who needed me. I was curious at why he needed me, "So, what do you need."
  1257. Again, we don’t really need to read your thought process if you’re just gonna say it anyway.
  1258. > The Pegasus stopped, not facing me. "Your life."
  1259. Is he proposing to you?
  1260. > What does that mean? Before I could ask, he reared back and bucked me in face. Not a very strong hit, but enough to crack the right lens in my goggles and chip a tooth.
  1261. Well, he’s proactive. That’s more than what can be said about half of the characters in this story.
  1262. > The Pegasus ran at me and head butted me in the face. What the hell is wrong with him? I held a hoof to my nose and held it out. Blood.
  1263. You know, Lance? For someone who’s getting the hell beaten out of him, you’re surprisingly calm right now.
  1264. > I'm not much of a fighter, but it looks like I'm going to have today.
  1265. Don’t worry. I’m sure you will ultimately win, somehow. Call it a hunch.
  1266. > I twisted around and bucked backwards. But my hoofs hit air. Where did he go?
  1267. Maybe you’d have better luck if you see the way you’re hitting.
  1268. > He smiled, a horrible smile. His eyes where full of hatred, "What? Can I not get revenge on the guy who killed my family!"
  1269. Cody, as much as I hate Lance, I have to admit it was entirely your fault. Maybe your aunt as well, and your dad. You know? Your family is full of people who don’t know how to use money, that’s what got them killed.
  1270. >"Yes you did. One year ago, I saved you from being shot. And for that, I lost everything." A year ago? Can this be the boy from the ally? "Cody? Cody Benson?"
  1271. Your memory works in strange ways, Lance Greenfield.
  1272. > But, I did nothing in that ally, "How did I kill your family? I don't even know you."
  1273. I hate you for making me side with Lance, Kickass222urmom.
  1274.  
  1275.  
  1276.  
  1277. >>Chapter 15 - Part 5
  1278. >"Its still not my fault that they died! You chose to save me, so its your fault."
  1279. You may want to take a different approach, you’re only gonna make him angrier
  1280. > His face twisted into anger, "SHUT UP!" He shouted at the top of his voice.
  1281. See? There’s no place for logic here.
  1282. > Cody raised his hoofs and brought them down on my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I quickly recovered and jumped to my feet, "Think about what your doing!"
  1283. Has anyone seen those old sport animes in which they kept playing with broken bones and ripped muscles? Kickass222urmom has.
  1284. >"Damn it Cody! I don't want to fight you." He laughed, holding me against the door that lead back into the building, "Good, more fun for me."
  1285. Oh, I see what you’re doing. You’re gonna make them barge into the party, and then the rest of the OC’s will come in his defense, and then the whole town will eschew Cody and kick him out of town, then he’ll grow even more resentful! Please let me have this one.
  1286. > He slammed his back hoofs into me, sending me through the door. The door breaking in half. I heard the ponies that was at the party gasp. The music stopped.
  1287. Yes…
  1288. > He shook his head, "I can not stop. I've let evil control my heart and I'm going to use it to make you suffer."
  1289. Can the cliché monologue, Cody. It’s not doing you any favors.
  1290. > Seconds before he reached me, a dull green pony jumped on him.
  1291. YES! Greg, you are now my least hated character.
  1292. > Cody tilted his head, "So, I take it as your his bitch."
  1293. I’m glad Greg resisted the urge to say “No, the purple one is.”
  1294. > Greg slammed his head upward, impaling Cody in the chest with his horn.
  1295. And here, gentlemen, Greg has showed that he’s the single most useful character in the entire Living-verse.
  1296. > I stumbled over, "Greg, why did you have to kill him?" Greg smiled, "Who said I killed him?
  1297. For Buddha’s sake. Don’t take this away from me.
  1298.  
  1299.  
  1300.  
  1301. >>Chapter 15 - Part 5
  1302. > I used a spell I learned and put him in a shut down state."
  1303. Isn’t it amazing? Greg learned something offscreen that came extremely handy in this precise situation. Which begs the question, why did you learn a coma spell in the first place?
  1304. > I patted his back, "Thanks for not killing him, I want to have a word with him."
  1305. Hey, remember how you’re close to Celestia? This may be a good time to use those connections.
  1306. > The first to recover was Twilight, "What just happened?"
  1307. I looked over at her, felling tired from the brief fight, "I'll tell you later." She nodded.
  1308. See, Twilight, now that you are pregnant; your roles have been fulfilled. Now you don’t have to worry about actually doing things.
  1309. >"I need a vacation from all this excitement."
  1310. I need a vacation from this fanfic.
  1311. >"What? This is the first thing to happen to you that even qualifies as excitement."
  1312. Once again, Greg. You’re spot on.
  1313. > I let my muscles relax. Now to just let Twilight take care of me. A smile crossed my face.
  1314. Oh, you’d love that wouldn’t you?
  1315.  
  1316.  
  1317.  
  1318. >>Chapter 16 - Part 1
  1319. >Title: Royal Crush
  1320. This is growing beyond any of us, Anons.
  1321. >"Man Weedy, last night was fun. We smoked, partied, you got laid, and best of all, I kicked a ponies ass."
  1322. I’ll do my best to ignore the other things that happened as well.
  1323. > Upon arriving down stairs, they say Lance, passed out on the couch.
  1324. Didn’t Twilight take him to the library last night? She also teleported him to his house before dawn?
  1325. > His dog laying on the floor next to him.
  1326. Oh, right. His dog, the one that he uses as a basis to gauge how he’ll take care of his child.
  1327. >"Looks like he came back from Twilight's late last night."
  1328. From another freaking town?
  1329. >"Yep, he would have been screwed without me."
  1330. You’re a mixed blessing, Greg. On one hand you made last chapter worth it. On the other one, you cut Lance’s suffering short.
  1331. >"I wonder who that purple pony was that was here when we got back? David said he was a brony, but I don't know."
  1332. KICKAS222URMOM!!!!!
  1333. >"Come on Weedy, lets go to Ponyville. I want to check on a few things." They headed out the door and began the long walk to Ponyville.
  1334. You do know they have trains, right?
  1335. > Purple Blaze walked out of David's room.
  1336.  
  1337. Is that the new, new, new, new brony? At least Greg already took the “Haze” name. I don’t think I could have endured the sullying of Jimi Hendrix.
  1338. >He had met David a few days ago at the music store in Canterlot. Apparently, David is teaching his dog to be a musician, and Blaze just had to see that.
  1339. Of course he’s a musician. I think he wanted to make the Purple Haze thing, but accidentally gave Greg The name Haze, so he just rolled with it.
  1340. > Purple Blaze was a purple Pegasus with deep yellow eyes. His mane and tail was both blond. His real name was Peter, but who needs human names when you can have a pony name?
  1341. Ah, another deep, compelling character, I see.
  1342.  
  1343.  
  1344.  
  1345. >>Chapter 16 - Part 2
  1346. > He walked over and examined Lance. A small smile creeping on his face. This opportunity is to good to pass up.
  1347. Too. To a higher degree than is desirable, permissible, or possible; excessively. • informal Very:
  1348. > Time for a little prank.
  1349.  
  1350. I’m not even going to get my hopes up.
  1351. > Iron Clad sat back, looking at his finished piece of work, a piece of armor for the Royal Guards.
  1352. Well, at least we’re getting a break to see the Royal Guards, for some reason.
  1353. > He was a human, but not like the rest of them here.
  1354. So, that’s Zane, Aaron, Cody, Purple Blaze and now Iron Clad.
  1355. Six.
  1356. Fucking.
  1357. OC’s.
  1358. And only one of them as done anything even marginally interesting. What do you have to say in your favor, Iron Clad?
  1359. > He died a few years before the rapture, but was given the choice to chose a world to live in since he was murdered. Murdered by his own father, at the age of twenty, something he doesn't like to think about.
  1360. Are you trying to outgrit each of their pasts?
  1361. > After he died and was brought here, he quickly was picked up by the Royal Guard. After a few weeks of work, was allowed to join the Royal Guard, as the leader of the blacksmith.
  1362. What would you know, somebody who actually does something for a living.
  1363. > Frederic was a brown unicorn with a black and light grey mane and tail. His eyes was the color of sand, a very settling color. He always wore a vest with plenty of pockets on it. His cutie mark was a anvil with a hammer hitting it.
  1364. Watch out, fellas. This seems to be a heavy hitter.
  1365. > Princess Luna walked in and surveyed the room. Frederic dropped to his knee and bowed. Why was she here?
  1366. I’m glad to know you’re over Lance, Luna. But you still can’t control your human fetish.
  1367. >"I need you to accompany me to Ponyville in a few days."
  1368. Point in case.
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