Hello.
I am Donkey, from Amazon.com how may I help you today?
Customer: Refund please.
I’m so sorry, but we can’t offer any additional insight or action on this matter.

For some options, I'll be answering questions like:

1. How do I get my Amazon GC balance refunded to me?
2. More secrets like what you see in the hide tags.
3. Advice for responding to us
4. "The best method" <-- whatever the hell this means

Discounted for a limited time!

This isn't Reddit, but I still have a feeling you'll ask for proof. I can't think of anything immediate. I'm happy to accommodate requests provided they don't involve:

1. identifying myself, or
2. jeopardizing the security of Amazon.com or any Amazonian.

Some of you are actually good. If you care, send some Bitcoins my way:

1KPvKUELpNUVPSpMDQ4xrMSJzcp3QNmNJH

It took a minute to write this. It's all true and I'm willing to really help you dumbasses.

First off, I'd like to say to the dumbasses who keep creating multiple accounts using the same IP address, shipping address, and/or Kindle:

1. We don't want your business. Stop emailing us insisting you've never had an account before. The gig is up.
2. You stole/broke the rules/uploaded banned content and you're paying for it.
3. Don't harass the poor customer service representatives when they can't help you. We actually listen to these calls.
4. The linking process is 99% automated. Only my manager can bypass those systems. Hence, "we're unable to provide information on how we link accounts."
5. You only get one email per 24 hours. It's a matter of policy, and we buffer emails to fulfill that expectation.

Second. Stop writing us long emails. We don't read them, but there are a SHITLOAD of templates we can use for every situation. In fact, I didn't write more than a paragraph of text in a day. Notice there are never any spelling errors in our responses.

More rants:

1. Emailing "Jeff Bezos' secret email address" goes to members of our department. If your account is banned, and someone from the Executive Office (yes, they're real but incredibly understaffed) reaches out to a high-level manager (idiots who just have to "escalate and call corporate," we have to prepare an annoying *** response and I will personally make sure no one will never open your account again because I hate you. I've only known of 1 or 2 accounts personally opened by these reps (they can bypass us but don't.)
2. The FIRST email you receive from our department is automated. If you get caught in this effective ass algorithm, then you can likely create another account without fear and keep on stealing. (We don't use the term "Social engineering" in the office)

3. We open accounts more than you think. We know all you bull$hit excuses ("I need to access important tax information") and generally deny them. Also, I feel bad for a lot of poor spellers whose sob stories are neither sad nor reasonable. However, in my experience, when a manager has given us the OK for a restricted account to be reopened, it's usually because we couldn't conclusively link you to your last one OR you called in and someone pulled the recording (for a damn good reason.)

4. We use browser fingerprinting, but not exclusively. There's an internal metric that tells us whether or not your account matches a browser fingerprint of 1. An account we cross-reference you to or 2. an account that has been closed in your geographical region. How many people in the 2 mile radius in Bardstown, KY do you think use Adblock, Awesome Screenshot, and <insert VPN here>?

TIP: Don't bribe us. Some nut actually tried to offer me a Macbook to reinstate his account. I almost reached out to law enforcement.

5. The BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU DUMBASS LEECHES MAKE EVEN WHEN YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT (sellers and buyers) IS:

--------------
Using the same fucking IP address of a banned account or a VPN when you email us, If I see that we linked a new user to an account with a new CC, IP, address, and unique fingerprint -- then I'm going to escalate for review. BUT first, I'm checking the IP address of the email. And chances are your stupid ass used an IP address we recognized in the headers of your message (duly extracted by our automated systems) To which I'll respond:

RESPONSE FROM AMAZON

( 3 matches, multiple accounts)

===============================================

Hello from Amazon.com.

Thank you for writing. We are unable to provide detailed information on how we link related accounts.

However, we have thoroughly reviewed our records and confirmed that we have significant evidence that your account is related to another previously blocked account.

We appreciate your interest in Amazon.com. However, we will not be reversing this decision.

Regards,

Account Specialist
Amazon.com

===============================================
Interesting fact. One year, we were all given some bullshit entitled "Amazon Ghost." Don't waste your money on this.

Feel free to +1 or +3 or like this post. I'll answer some questions you guys have. Also:

DO NOT ASK ME TO OPEN YOUR ACCOUNT.

I'm considering selling some advice + insight but Jeff would eat my ass alive. Plus I've broken my NDA I think... PM if you're willing to pay for anything that's NOT related to making ridiculous changes to your account.

Ask me anything! "Donating will be nice and for a faster reply" *Pay-to-know*

QUESTION ANSWERS:

1. Majority of CIS reps are based in kennewick, washington, not India.
2. I answered the "best way to bypass our system" above. Context clues.
3. Giving yourself undue promotional credits, discounts, or free shipping is grounds for termination.
4. Amazon is not s hard place to work at at ALL. It's def not Google or Facebook. Many people went to UW or community college. Don't be afraid to apply, we're hiring.
5. "cis@amz-support.com" is NOT one of our emails. They'll usually look like cis+longassreferencenumber@amazon.com. I'd have made Myra escalate that chat to a lead. Unacceptable.
6. If you're a popular blogger or media representative, then there's a chance some VP might run across your publicity and email a lead.
It's late, so I'm going to bed. I'll respond to your PM's and questions tomorrow. Please don't discredit me without asking for reasonable proof first.
7. Acct Specialists are a division of the Fraud dept. @ Amazon. We don't care if you refunded a Macbook, but press hard enough and we do have authority to contact LE> Believe it or not, so do chat reps but they're too busy/afraid.
8. This has been a problem for some time. Chat reps generally do anything to get good feedback; I attribute it to eBay like pressure. They're forced to have crazy metrics that impact their ability to effectively mitigate fraud. Whereas, we have the luxury of not giving a F is you hate us.
7. Not doing this because i love you. In fact, I dislike many of you.
8. If you use the same information for a new account it WILL BE CLOSED. Generally that should take from 24 hours to 5 days from activity. If you're not closed by then, then you PROBABLY passed our review. Do some stupid shit over the phone or in chat and you're limited.
9. You will ALWAYS have access to digital content. It's in the Terms and Conditions and there's a legal reason behind this.
Something to know for fun:
10. Best way to get free shipping next-day shipping is to ask over the phone BEFOREHAND. Prime helps. Tell us you're using a prepaid card and have just enough for your order. Chat might be easier to convince of this, but we will block your accounts/computers if we see you repeatedly asking chat reps for the same thing.

Like this post; show some appreciation. Please all half-ass scammers keep raping Amazon.com.