American Pie (1999)

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1
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:31,490
Ohh,
you're so good.

2
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,785
Ohh, yes.
I am the best, baby.

3
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,246
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh. Oh, that was a tit.

4
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,706
That is a tit! Yes!

5
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:41,750
Oh, you're so big!

6
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:44,586
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that's right, baby.

7
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,880
- Oh, doggie
wants to hide his bone.
- Yes!

8
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:49,091
Oh, yeah!
I'm bone smugglin', baby.

9
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,260
Man, would you shut up!

10
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:53,762
Hey, Jimmy.
Just wanted to say sweet dreams.

11
00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,764
Yeah, yeah.
Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.

12
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:59,101
Kiss good night.

13
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,396
- Something wrong
with the reception?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.

14
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:05,107
- There's... There's this nature
show that I'm trying to watch.
- Take it off.

15
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:09,069
- And the birds are
all scrambled and I can't even...
- Do me! Yes!

16
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:12,155
Baby! Ride me like a pony!

17
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:15,659
- The thing must be broken or I
sat on the remote or something.

18
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:18,161
- Getting ready for bed, son?
- Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.

19
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:21,290
- Yeah?
- No! No, I think he's tried
to watch some illegal channels.

20
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:24,334
- Illegal... Illegal channels?
- This is just bad reception, honey.

21
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,420
- Oh, spank my hairy ass!
- What's that?

22
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:30,299
- Ooh, baby!
- You know what? Here.
Just give me this, please...

23
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:33,177
- Oh, my God!
- And let's get this...

24
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,972
Okay, okay. Let's, uh... What the hell's
the matter with this thing?

25
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,348
Yes!

26
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:38,765
Yes!

27
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:52,404
Illegal channels?
Shit!

28
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,823
If there's any channel that
should be illegal, it's
that "all-woman's" channel.

29
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:58,744
- Lifetime supply
of pantyhose or some shit.
- Yeah.

30
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,163
Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid
on TV the other night?

31
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,208
- No.
- Ariel, man. She's so hot!

32
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:08,253
- She's a mermaid, dude.
- Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.

33
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:12,883
Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's
party. We got to go. It'll be great.

34
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,720
Why? All that
happens at Stifler's parties
is people get drunk and do it.

35
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,722
Yeah.

36
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,724
Now, come on, Kevin.
Open it.

37
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,061
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.

38
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,313
If you think so,
just open it.

39
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,357
Fine.

40
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,992
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but
after keeping you on the waiting list...

41
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:42,579
for the past couple of months, we've
decided that you are now rejected."

42
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,623
Shut up!

43
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:49,545
- You got in.
- Yes! I love you!

44
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,130
Okay.

45
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,223
Hey, you think I should wear
this shirt to Stifler's party?

46
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,809
You've worn that shirt for,
like, three days in a row, man!

47
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,894
Guys.
She said it.

48
00:03:05,978 --> 00:03:08,355
- Said what?
- She said she loves me.

49
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,691
- Holy shit, dude! The "L" word?
- Oh, man!

50
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:13,151
Cornell's not
that far from "U" of "M."

51
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,153
Yeah, it's only,
like, seven hours.

52
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:17,197
Oh, and you get
to drive across Canada.

53
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:21,743
- Beautiful country.
- Whatever. It's doable.

54
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,496
Wh-What we should
do today, in band.

55
00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:28,417
Instead of playing
our instruments regularly,
we should play them backwards.

56
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,752
- That'll be so funny!
- Yeah.

57
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,469
No offense, but you're talking
about a post-high school,
long-distance relationship.

58
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,555
And you and Kevin
haven't even done it yet.

59
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:43,724
That's not why
we're going out.

60
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:47,311
What do you expect him to drive
to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

61
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,563
We're gonna have sex
when he's ready and I'm ready.

62
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,732
It's got to be
completely perfect.

63
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,860
I want the right time, the right moment,
the right place...

64
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,696
Vicky, it's not
a space shuttle launch. It's sex.

65
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,994
- Finch.
- Here's the man we are looking for.

66
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,120
- Gentlemen.
- What's goin' on, buddy?

67
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,163
- Gentlemen.
- What's goin' on, buddy?

68
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,625
- Same ol'...
- Finch.
You got the Latin homework?

69
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:15,380
Oh.

70
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,966
It means, "My dog ate it."
It's Latin. It's a joke.

71
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:22,387
- It's a Latin joke.
- Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.

72
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,723
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino.
- What?

73
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:27,309
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino.
It's not coffee.

74
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,353
'Nova!

75
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,480
What's up, dude?

76
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,732
You comin' to the party
tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface?

77
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,193
Uh, depends if my date
wants to stop by.

78
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:39,404
- I'm workin' on somethin' new.
- I got an idea about something new.

79
00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,782
How about you guys
actually locate your dicks,

80
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,743
remove the shrink-wrap
and fucking use them!

81
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:48,580
Dude, it's gonna happen.
She's a college chick.

82
00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:51,083
Oh, right.
I'll see you guys tonight.

83
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:54,711
I'll look for you in the no-fucking
section.

84
00:04:58,257 --> 00:05:02,219
All right. I'm shooting for a
9:00 E.T.A. beer in hand by five after.

85
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,513
Breath check.

86
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:09,393
Thank you.

87
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:18,652
- I wish you wouldn't do that.
- So, you got something up
your sleeve for tonight?

88
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:21,572
This is a foolproof plan,
my friend.

89
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,657
I have a serious question
to ask you guys. Okay.

90
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:27,411
You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian
chick? She might be there tonight.

91
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:29,705
Now, do you think she would prefer...

92
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,500
Laid-back Jim...

93
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:36,253
or...

94
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,131
Cool, hip Jim?

95
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,216
I don't think it really matters
with that shirt you're wearing.

96
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:44,678
What? Correct me if I'm wrong but
you're the one with the girlfriend...

97
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,722
and you're still
stranded on third base.

98
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,474
Hey, at least I know what
third base feels like, okay?

99
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:52,102
- You're still just a batboy.
- Batboy. Batboy.

100
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,104
What are you talking about?

101
00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:56,940
Guys, uh...

102
00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:00,277
What exactly does
third base feel like?

103
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,321
You wanna
take this one?

104
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:07,910
- Like warm apple pie.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

105
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:11,246
Apple pie, huh?

106
00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:14,041
McDonald's or homemade?

107
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,711
Gentlemen,
destiny awaits.

108
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,591
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