Gold's Pastebin

To BB. Also known as Bl00dyBizkitz.

I've put this on my twitch profile to prove i am not an attention whore like you make me out to be. I've put this here so that you would find this by coming to me. Not by me tweeting it to you or putting it in your ask or even asking someone to send it to you. I'm putting this here so on the random chance in the future you come to my channel. You will see it. As for others seeing it. Well people dont watch me anyways so what does it matter.

BB. When i met you. You were probably the most respectable guy i met at ESA. Not to shit on the others i met but the fact that i stuck around with you and the KH folks shows that i preferred talking to you over them. When i saw you play KH. I didn't see this cool ass speedgame that had loads of tech. I saw a speedRUNNER playing the game in a different and cool way while also explaining to me the things that were happening. You even answered my questions that i asked, something others didnt do while i was there. You treated me as a person that was genuinely interested in the speedgame and in you as a runner. When i first talked to you properly. I went back to my hotel room all giddy and happy that i met someone that is super awesome and runs one of the best games out there. I went straight to my Phone and followed you on everything so i didnt miss any action. When it came to your actual run, i unfortunately had to skip out on it due to a runner showing up but i still watched little bits from where i could. But we still talked afterwards about it and you told me everything that was interesting about the marathon run. I even paused what i was doing to actually listen to you. When it came to my run. I was nervous as all hell. I couldnt sleep. I couldnt grip myself cause i was so nervous. But you were there. Awake and ready in the practice room. Doing what you do best. So i sat and talked to you and you calmed my nerves tremendously. When i walked out of the stream room after my run i didnt just think "thank god its over". I also thought "i should go tell bl00dy that it went great!" and i did just that and infact we talked for the rest of that day/evening/night.

But eventually ESA ended and i got my post marathon depression like everyone else. But the first stream i went to that was live was yours. You said Hi. Told your chat that i was the cool kid that you met at ESA and all the peeps said Hi and all. This is when i found the community and went straight to work on learning a KH game. I chose KH2 because i didnt own a PS3 and it was what i knew best anyways. I did my first run. Got the TS info and met the KH community guys. They were all very accepting of me and other runners too. Sometimes i think the KH community's motto should just be "we accept all C:". I will still remember the day i was in the TS after like 2 days of being there and you coming in and hearing me and like "wait is that Gold? Hey dude!", i was so giddy from talking to you again i couldn't contain it at all. I finally had someone to look up to who was also my friend. I had plenty of people in my life that i look up to but they never really were someone that would befriend me. You have been the only exception to that. That's when i made my goal to become as good of a runner as you while also throwing in my two cents for stuff you needed help with (mostly with the Zelda stuff). We did good for months to come. The KH Marathon happened and people started to complain about the layout and other things. That's when /srg/ started attacking you and the community on twitter and in the thread itself. When people attacked you, i defended you where i could and ended up getting verbally attacked for it. But whatever, it was worth it right? I got to read donations and commentate for your runs and we all had a generally fun as fuck time (although Hobzs sleeping schedule will never be the same). Around this time was when Hokage entered the fray. Now as he was a new runner i did what everyone else did and welcomed him with open arms. He was good at first. Being nice to everyone and getting better and better at KH2 as the time went by. I befriended him and we found stuff we both like (Metroid and Competitive Smash were the main ones) and so i considered him my next "best friend" of the community next to You and Yulf. Hokage was a cool guy for a long while. There was moments where he did really piss me off and i would just go to a different TS lobby to talk to other peeps but 90% of the time he would follow me like my own shadow. Now around the coming of AGDQ, multiple things happened and what i considered the first fuckup on my side. Me and AGDQ itself. Now i was promised by family that if i had the money i could go. This was good until around Christmas where they 180ed on me and said that i couldnt go. This scared me and i didnt want to face the community for it. So i told Hobz secretly and hid away from the community for the week of AGDQ because i didnt want face the fire. You weren't necessarily a big part of it. You were just there at AGDQ so you just got the Hobz side of it and thats it. Eventually AGDQ died down and people came home and went back to their business. I joined back and noone batted an eye. Not even you did. You treated me like you did before AGDQ. A person thats cool and sometimes funny that can be slightly annoying sometimes.

It was around this time that the Aqua Crit tourney started and i saw my place to finally become good at a KH game. KH2 was bad because of the PAL problems and I was just not interested in 1.5 runs. But once i saw the Tourney i immediately asked my Brother for the PS3 and 2.5 and got straight on it. This was my first real chance to get good at a KH game and i did! I got a relatively good time that was top of the leaderboards at the time. People respected me for it and for me as a person. I finally found a nice spot in the community that i didnt have before. A runner. Before the tourney i didnt really consider myself a KH runner because of my bad time in KH2 and my mediocre time in 1.5. Once i started getting better and better at Aqua Crit i found myself being a better runner. You seemed impressed at the time too. We had many of conversation while you or i did runs. We would talk strat finding. Answer questions from chat. We really were more connected than before because we clicked over the run. Now this is when i believed i was at the all time high for our friendship. We told each other jokes. We made fun of things. We watched Smash and cheered on the players. We had races and i even murdered my sleep schedule just so i could talk to you when you had bad sleep schedule too. But when i thought it was the all time high, was actually the very quick decline. Around this time, some other things occurred, Salad was being hated by some members and Hokage was starting some shit with people without reason. I talked to Hokage still on a regular basis cause i wasnt seeing his problems other than his tendencies to drop in on conversations uninvited (yes i did that too i know. I can see the irony as i type this) but he was getting flack and so i started tweeting things. This is when fuck up #2 came into play. The Liquid vs Gold. Fight of the century right here folks. Get your tickets now. I saw Liquid talking some major shit about Salad in Zetris's chat i just told him to stop talking about him behind his back because it was uncalled for. Now i like Salad. He was a douche around the time i started but i just realised it was an act and he was a genuinely nice guy. Infact he still is and he got a major WR which is awesome. But i saw this happening and i didnt want someone beating on my friend behind his back. Eventually Zetris timed both of us out cause he is super chill. So Liquid decided to throw it on twitter and asked me about my actions. I told him that seeing shit about my friends is the worst thing ever. Mostly because ive never really had friends. I've always been the lonely child but it never really affected me too much because i had the internet and games to support me anyways. So having my first real friends be shat on like that really threw a bullet through my heart. It was the same feeling i had when people were talking shit about You. This fight that happened between me and Liquid stayed between me and Liquid. Hokage saw this and tried to throw in his punches while i was arguing with Liquid. TL;DR version things got worse. The community blew up. "oh shit theirs a fight oh my lord help me so" "oh great more drama i cant wait to hear this one" so on and so forth. I took this as a huge blow. I knew it. The community was going to turn their backs on me and it was all my fault. I made the worlds hastiest decisions and blocked/unfollowed a few members that were tweeting about it before they could get the heads up on me. This is where the decline happened. I stayed away from TS cause i believed that people had blocked me out. I was a fugitive on the run from the people that hated me. When in actual fact noone hated me except maybe Liquid. The only person concerned for me at the time was Hokage. I had him on skype for emergencies and we talked on there. We had a few nights where we would just talk on Skype about maybe smash or metroid or sonic or whatever and i made myself a small home there. But thats when the tourney started and i was needed to do my matches. So i returned to TS and stayed clear from people that had a small hatred with me. I did my races with Biz and Umbra and neither had a problem with me so i stayed in the TS while talking with "the boys" (Zetris, Mist, BTrue, Syn, Shib, Remix etc etc) and i didnt tell Hokage about it so that more stuff didnt start and it worked.

Around this time i hadnt talked to you once. I believe that last time i had properly talked to you was a late night PB you got while Me and others sat with you while you played. You were preoccupied with other things to give two fucks but i took caution anyways. But i saw that you were "fed up" with the community and that you were gonna "take a break". Oh baby this time ive done it. Time to drown my sorrows in coke. I had to see it to believe it and i did. During one night i was playing TF2 with Mist in a private lobby. We were having a good ol fashioned time and then i noticed in Zetris's chat that Checkers was asking someone kindly to ask the LB mods in TS to update her time. I did so for her and Rebel said that he was on it. This is where the conversation SHOULD have ended but Rizz (who i thought was just joking around. I later found out that he was just outright mocking me) was making jokes about how the LB mods were lazy. Ok fine. I made those tweets after my Aqua Crit PB asking for my Time to be updated but in my eyes i was in the right just because there was 4 LB mods online and it hadnt updated. Woop de doo it was 20 minutes but i just like seeing my time on the leaderboard ya know? It makes me feel like I accomplished something. I'm sorry if you got genuinely pissed off at me for this. I just wanted my time on there. But back to what i was talking about. Rizz was joking around/mocking me and you chipped in. You were worrying about why we were heckling over this even though Me and Rizz both stated that we were just joking and there was no heckling. You still continued on and on and eventually ended with "im done with this tacky community" and that actually brought me to tears. Dont believe me? Ask Mist. I bawled my fucking eyes out to him because this person that i looked up to and was my biggest friend of the community just got pissed off at me cause i made a request. I was done that night. I couldn't turn back. I couldn't sleep. I spent the rest of the night crying and bitching to Hokage on skype and i guess thats where he drew the line too. The next day i made my decision. Even though i unblocked the people i didnt mind. I didnt want anymore shit to start because of me. I didnt want to be the outcast no longer. I asked people to block me. I asked them with all intention that they didnt see my twitter anymore. I didnt want them hating me because of the shit i did. I just wanted to talk to them on TS and have a grand ol time. But Hokage retweet all the tweets bar the first that had the request and people took it the wrong way. An all out war had started. People used this time to outright insult me. Get the feelings out. I didnt know about this cause i was blocked or had blocked. So i responded to the people that had tweeted me and went to sleep. The next day i woke up to my skype being spammed with Links and one Gyazo Screencap. The links were off all the messages you and other had said. With Hokages messages on skype saying "i so want to respond to this guy" "fuck it i will". I will get into that later but i was worried about what the screencap contained and i was correct. It was a screen cap of Toji banning Hokage on TS. This is where i drew the line between us. At the time i thought i got banned too and i wasnt even around for it. I knew Hokage had been up to no good and so i blocked him on everything i knew him on and never looked back. I was heartbroken. I was done. I cried for hours and hours and i just couldnt take it. I even took a day off college cause i was too emotionally unstable. I did it. I did the one thing that i didnt want to happen. I became an Outcast. I didnt want this. I never wanted this. I just wanted the hate and all the problems to go away. I knew i was the cause so i wanted to rid of it. For the next week or so. I stayed away from the internet. People had destroyed me and i couldnt go back. I opened up my ask and got a million questions on the situation. I gave half assed answers and just said i did it cause i had no reason. I didnt want to even bother fighting so i blamed it on my self cause there was no point. I saw your questions too. I knew it was you by the way they were written. I answered them but i didnt put any thought into them. I just blamed myself cause thats what i do best. After the question of "that was complete bullshit" or whatever i got a "dont reply" question from RebelWatt telling me to tell him who was writing the questions. If i hated you i would have been quick to say something but i just didnt want to say anything so i never replied. It was until one day when i was lurking in Hobz chat while i did Work was when i found out i wasnt actually banned on TS and was quick to join in on Hobz and Liquid. They didnt bat an eyelid at me and let me join in on their fun little race they had going on. I was so confused but i continued to play with them (it was early afternoon so people were sleeping or w/e) but then Tack pulled me into his Lobby while i was still racing and grilled me. He told me that everyone hated me, that i deserved what i got and before i even got a chance to say anything to defend myself i was bopped forever. I didnt know what to do. I just kinda stared at my screen and my mind went blank. I finished the race and told Hobz my time then i went and lied down. I was screwed.

So my time during the KH community had come to its final pages. I had no idea what to do so i just unblocked a few people that i knew didnt have trouble with me. Those people being Silver and Yulf. Those 2 were quick to accept my apology and accept me and i talked to Silver about it and he agreed with me on most points that he was more angry at Hokage than me. Some others threw in their two cents and also said that they also were pissed off at Hokage more. This shone alot of light into my heart. I was astonished by how alot of people didn't actually hate me at all. Sure there were a few that hate my guts but i couldnt fix that from where i stood er..sat. But i pushed forward. I tried to win people back. Little by Little. I helped out where i could. I cheered people on during their races. I joined in on the big 1.5 race. I took a weekend off to go see RebelDragon and Salad. I've climbed myself higher than before but not higher than i thought. I knew you hated me. I could feel the fake coming through the monitor. I was confused by the no ban in your stream but i wasnt going to ruin that. I started with small things. Saying a few useful things. Getting in on conversation. Once i said something out of line. I knew just from your reactions that it was bad. I stopped myself in places. I learnt my lesson when you timed me out when i was being dumb and stupid. I asked for some general tips. I was attempting to shape together a friendship that was broken. But you werent the only one. I knew i had to make another thing right. I had to apologise to Tack. My original intention was to get back to the TS. But while writing it. I was realised my intention was just to be accepted. I sent him it unlisted but i have made it public for the eye to see so you could take a look. He reacted better than when he confronted me and we talked through things. He was mad about 2 tidbits but that was very understandable. I knew i was in the wrong for both and i greatly accepted my defeat. So i stayed around in your chat and in other KH chats. I did a few speedruns myself and got some nice PBs in the midst. However i was lacking in the community side of things. I was missing out on cool things that i would have loved to join in. I missed out on discussions for potential races. I missed a lot of things. Hence my strawpoll that i made asking the people that follow me on twitter from the KH community to see who liked me and who would want me back in. The majority came out yes and before you thing "haha it was fake lol" it wasnt. I never asked anyone to say yes. I never payed money. They were all genuine answers. I sent it to Tack but never received a response. But then you got questions on your ask.fm asking about me. You replied with "he wasnt a good community member or friend".
Well ill tell you something BB. I may have anxiety. I may have depression. I may be a fuckhead. I may be a DUMB kid. But never in my life have i ever wanted to suicide anymore than i have now. I have dealt with alot over the last 2 months. Non stop crying. Sleepless nights. Breaking my own things. I'm starting lose myself in college work because i was too occupied with trying to bring myself back from this whole thing. I took alot of shit and i handled it in my own control. But to read "he wasnt a good friend" just made me want to find the nearest knife, rope or largest cliff to just throw myself off. I didnt want to believe it. "its just a joke. he doesnt mean that heh....." But no. Its genuine. Its real. I wasnt a good friend. Thats what it was, was it? I was not a GOOD FUCKING FRIEND TO YOU?! Thats fucking BLASPHEMY its not fucking real at all. You pulled that out of your fucking ass cause you have beef with me. You were my best fucking friend in this whole community. The one who always vouched for me. The one who listened to my problems and shit and you say because some fucking OrangeAssFuckinHOECAGE picked fights with people. i'm a SHIT FRIEND?! Fuck that. Nope.

Anger over. I couldnt take it. I deleted my twitter and deleted my personality in a sense. I'm gonna stream with no mic. Ill continue to speedrun. But i wont continue to be Goldphnx. I will continue to be that one twitch guy that caused shit like i have been for the rest of my life. Its over BB.

But thats not why i wrote this message. I wrote this message because i want to know. Why? What caused you to hate me as much as you do. Was it the Liquid drama? cause that didnt concern you in a sense. Was it the mass blocking drama? Cause although it involved you. I wasnt apart of it other than my initial tweets. Was it the stupid fucking horrible tweet i did threating to give out the TS info? Was that it? Cause people wont let me live that down. No siree. That last one doesnt matter anyways since i have the new password. I just cant use it. But i just need to know BB. Why is the one guy that i looked up to. The one who introduced me here. Why wont he be my friend anymore. Why do i have to fucking LIVE like this knowing that my life has been fucked up in TWO MONTHS. I never hated you BB. Never. You were always a fucking awesome person to me. You were like my older brother. I never banned you. I never unmodded you. I defended your side during the HMK, Skyward Wing drama. You always remained my friend.

You probably wont ever see this knowing how frequent you see my stream. But i am seriously fucked up now. I'm not the victim. Far from it. I am not saying i didnt do anything. Cause i did. I am just writing to you to let you know that you will always be my friend. I have told my parents about my suicidal thoughts so i am on suicide watch.

I wont be the same. Im sorry for that.